Emma

Hey Warren, It's great to hear from you. Definitely let us know how it goes with talking to the CEO of that LGBT group. If nothing else it's great to add another link to your network of supporters. Who knows who you might gain a connection to. And, love your photos! Emma

Dear Warren, Oh man, I'm glad you wrote this. Sure, I hate it that your mom is such a jerk to you, and that you're so miserable. All I can say is that I do understand, I think, how you're feeling. I hope that helps at least in a small way. I'm also glad that you haven't cut for 2-3 weeks even though it doesn't seem to scar. If it helps I can tell you that I also get very sad, frustrated, and short tempered. And when I do I just want to withdraw into my shell. When I meet people I'm on edge for fear they will see the real me: flawed, sad, and screwed up. So it's safer to withdraw and hide. Hmm. But that's no solution. Is there a "cure"? I don't know. I think the thing we need to do is to try to make habits of doing the things that make us feel good and okay about ourselves. You know, like when sometimes you're surprised to find that for the past few moments or minutes you felt okay? The alternative, which I am so freaking familiar with, is to dwell on the crap, which feeds on itself and brings me right down into the dumps. Yeah, this is all much easier said than done. One idea that I came across last night: for the next 100 days, try to remember to take one photo per day at a time when you're feeling good. Then you can look at those photos and bring back those good feelings. So this morning I took a photo of the Palace of Fine Arts in SF. I had my coffee and the morning was brisk, and I was, for some damned reason, feeling good. I need to try to remember to take another photo tomorrow, and the next 98 days, maybe more. If I forget, that's cool. At least it's something I can do that is easy and, who knows, maybe it will help. Let's try it together. Emma

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Hi Eve. I agree with you, and want to say how lucky you are, for your wife, friends, and you're being yourself. I admire you and love your smile in your photos. I can tell that you're really having a blast! Emma

Hahaha! Reminds me of the time when I was just out of college. My roommate and I decided to see what it was like to have a "wine tasting" party. We bought several bottles of different wines, invited friends over (also about 23-24 years old) and the party ended up with us figuring out who could spit the corks the farthest in the room! Ah, those were the fun days... Emma

Dear Brigsby, i agree with you. I've heard many complaints about the Bruce Jenner interview. "Bruce should have said." "Diane Sawyer wasn't as respectful as she could have been." Blah! 17 million people watched that show and indeed, they kept emphasizing very important points, such as gender dysphoria doesn't equate to sexual desire, and so forth. i think the interview was Fantastic on many levels and I'm very happy that Bruce did it (imagine the courage THAT took) and that Diane Sawyer was the interviewer. I loved every minute of it. Emma

Hi Eve, it all sounds great except... the roast chicken "UK style with lots of gravy." I'm sorry but you need to come visit us here at my house! No gravy except for Thanksgiving dinner here!!! I hope you know I'm just kidding... I'm very happy you had a nice vacation. It sounds like a blast! Emma

Hi Christie, You've heard the expression "one door closes, another door opens"? I think that describes how you needed to change therapists. I'm sure that felt like a huge drag, having to help her come up the learning curve about your history and all. But you are making the most of it and I'm so happy for you. I agree too with the pronoun question. As you said, how often would she use a pronoun for you when you are in the same room? To me that question speaks to her respect of you and her desire to help you feel comfortable. I think that's so terrific that you found her. Good therapists, with or without gender experience and knowledge, can be hard to find. really, I'm very delighted and happy for you, Emma

Dear Dawn, I love your post; it really speaks to me. I wonder what my life might have been like if a therapist had said those words to me, too. I was so ashamed of my feelings for so many decades... I was even afraid to admit my feelings to a therapist! Which seems stupid now, but my shame was in control. No more, no more. Anyway, you deserve such accolades for what you have accomplished. Good for you. I hope we hear from you more often! hugs, Emma

Hi Monica, As one of your fans, please allow me to be one of the first to welcome you BACK to TG Guide! We missed you. And also, I love your post about demisexuality. I think you are making 100% sense. Good on you, Monica, always. Your friend, Emma

Monica, Excellent point, as always. There is some sort of Chinese proverb that I've lost most of, but it goes something like this: as you go down a block of houses that look so serene always remember that behind all those doors, everyone has their own problems. No one is immune. Be well, Monica, Emma

Hi Monica, You're correct on all counts. In fact, she has told me how much better and different I was and am from all others before me. I agree with you too that she could have phrased her feedback much better. We are all human and this is part of what we try to address in our therapist meetings. We are so fortunate to be able to have him as a resource. In fact our next couples meeting is tomorrow and evening so it's all great timing! I do hope she decides that being a lesbian, at least from time to time, would be interesting for us. That's a dream I have. We will see. All I can do for now is try to be real, patient, and supportive to her too. Then, maybe, we can meet in the middle. I think we are getting there one small step at a time. Hugs, Emma

Hi Karen, I think our comments crossed in the mail. I was writing to Veronica while you were posting to me. Yeah, I've assumed that HRT would do just that. And I'll tell you, the benefits of HRT sound amazing. For now I'm hoping I can find a happy place without hormones. I'm afraid that would be a deal-breaker for my wife. We will see! We have about a year before she may fully retire so I hope to be maintaining a steady keel by then. Emma

Hi Veronica, I'm so happy I was the first one to reach out to you. Honestly, I don't remember it. But I do remember Monica's reaching out to me when I joined. I guess we will never forget our "first friend at TG Guide." It took guts to do this? I guess, but it's funny, when people say I am courageous I don't feel that way at all. Maybe I think I should look like Bruce Jenner when he won the Decathlon! But I don't. All I can is how important you and TG Guide have been for me. I am deeply grateful. Hugs, Emma

I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh> As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply. Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other. I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it. I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks. She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end. She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want. About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out. When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too. So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her. Emma

Hi Christie, All of your fears are perfectly normal and understandable. And I can add #4! The fear that, after doing all this, going through so much, that you actually DO go back, retreat. But here's the thing: I don't know you well, of course, but I really doubt that you will go back, at least not all the way. Yes, you may find that you actually want to live an "agender" life. And that's okay. Or maybe settle on one side or the other and move back and forth a little (bigender). Whenever. If you had not done what your are doing you would never really know what is right for you. And, let's face it, none of this is static. Your feelings about what you need may evolve over your future years. That's okay too. Thank goodness you have a good and protected job. Also, I keep reading about how younger people are much more open and accepting of everyone under the TG umbrella. So you have that going for you too. Remember this, please: my gender therapist says that the journey is like riding a train, and there are many stations you can visit along the TG tracks. From time to time we get off the train to explore an area, and sometimes we stay. Other times we get back on and go further, and sometimes we take the train back a station or several. It's all okay on the TG Train! Hugs, Emma

Hey Ren, I agree with Christie of course. The only thing I can add is that I always love your writing. Actually, maybe that's something for you to think about. I'll bet you could be a great writer is that's something you would like. You have a very natural voice. Call me selfish but I hope your BF drops you off early at work more often so we can hear from you! About your appointment on the 6th, here's an idea. Ask you therapist to write a letter for you, that tells about her (his?) knowledge of you, your transgender status, and your valid need for your surgery. Then, copy that letter (keep the original!) and bring the copy to the meeting to give to them for your file. Hugs, Emma

Hi Maddysyn, I can barely imagine how hard this all must be for you. I've never been to Wyoming but in photos it looks so beautiful but also very conservative. I also agree with you completely about just wanting to blend in, but even that is so elusive for you. Last and so important, you wife and son are turning their backs on you. All I can think of to say is that you came to the right place to air your situation and look for feedback and support. I can tell that you are a sincere and loving woman and deserve the same love and acceptance of anyone. Keep on writing your story. Let's hear it honey and I hope you will feel a little better. Hugs, Emma

Very well said, Monica, thank you. On all your points I could not agree with you more. Emma

Hey Christie, This all sounds like a terrific plan to me. And yeah, the voice work is so important. I think you're lucky to have a weekly TG meeting that will help so much not only to provide feedback but also to notice your improvements over time. I'll bet you really rock those jeans, girl! Emma

I'm very drawn toward resources and ideas that I hope will help me practice and make automatic inner kindness. I need this as I have such a litany of self-directed put downs and labels that seem to come so automatically before I have a chance to prevent their affects. I've recently come across several that I hope I will find helpful and maybe you will too. I think of them like tools in my toolbox. But like any tools we need to use them enough so that they become familiar and automatic: Internalized Trans-Phobia This one feels risky for me to even post since I worry that TGG members and visitors will assume I have some sort of phobia against them. Truthfully this is not true at all. But that said, "It refers to how some people hate that part of themselves and are ashamed of it." As much as I am aware of my gender dysphoria and that it's a natural part of me I have to overcome my shame that has been with me for so many years. This article isn't a cure-all. It's a start as it says that we're okay if we have it and the place to begin is to be aware, acknowledge it, and accept that dealing with it is another aspect of our lives. James Altucher I've written about him before. He has a free email list (which you can subscribe to by clicking on his name). I don't like all of his writing, sure. But today he wrote one called "It's OK If You Don't". Among other things, he wrote: "At some point I gave myself permission: It's ok if you don't know what you want to do next. It's ok if you're scared. Scared sh*****ss. It's ok to not write a bestselling novel. It's ok to leave early. It's ok to not be a billionaire. It's ok to not start a charity that ends malaria. It's ok to get fired or to fail. Or even worse, to lose someone's money." The main message: it's okay to goof, to try and fail, to forget... to be human. It helps me to remember that from time to time. A Simple, Powerful Self-Compassion Method Leo Babauta has a website called Zen Habits, and he also has a free email. Sure, they don't all grab me. Sometimes they just don't fit. But this one I think is a great summary of a behavioral therapy approach to dealing with our inner Ms. Crapness. (Yeah, that's my word.) Notice it (be aware), Accept it (might as well), Comfort it like you would a small child who scraped her knee, and Love it and yourself. Easy to say, and all too easy to ignore for its touchy-feelyness. But hey, why not give it a try? And if it doesn't work its magic right away for you remember that it's okay for it to take a while. Love Your Inner Child My therapist recently gave me this homework: consider the questions, statements, and wants of me as a 3-7 year old, especially as it relates to his gender dysphoria. And then, write down what you'd like to tell him given what I know now. Example: Child: "I'd like to have a doll like Mary's." Me: "That sounds like that would be nice, doesn't it? Your birthday is coming pretty soon so it's good to know that's something you would like to have. Tell me, what is it that you like so much about her doll? What does it mean to you? What should I look for when I buy a doll for you?" After I tried to do this for a day or two I told him that I was torn between being fully supportive and possibly warning him that the other kids might give him a bad time for having such a doll. His advice?Give him (really, me) all the love and support, and forget the warnings and mixed-messages. None of us need that. Be kind to yourself. Practice inner kindness. Be well. Be you. Emma

DUDE!!! That's freakin' awesome! I've been wondering where the heck you've been. Okay, worrying a little, sure. And Warren's BACK, and with such NEWS!!! Outstanding Ren, I'm so Happy for you. Pinch me, now I can't get to sleep. Hugs, hugs, hugs, Emma

Hi Lisa, Of course I wasn't there to hear his tone and delivery, but my first thought on reading that he said "Hey beautiful!" was that I was very pleased for you! I can also well imagine being very flustered and caught unprepared. Now, I don't go saying that phrase myself to pretty women. More and more I might say that they look pretty or nice, but I have trouble even saying that as I fear they will worry that I'm coming on to them or something. Anxiety is natural, especially now. My suggestion is to allow yourself to fully feel the anxiety. Don't try to suppress or fight it. Feel it, take a look at it, and give yourself permission to have it. It's a very human emotion that anyone would feel at a time like this. Have a great humpday tomorrow! Emma