Emma

Hey Jackson, I agree, dysphoria really does suck. Thank goodness we have TG Guide and its members to talk to and learn from. Come back often, interact with people here. Over time maybe (hopefully) your dysphoria will wane, if only a little. Let me make a couple of points for clarity: - I'm not saying that your being transgender will wane, only the negative feelings you may have. Here again, with time, experience, introspection and yes, perhaps therapy, you'll learn and become more comfortable in your own TG skin. - The "change" of dysphoria waning isn't black and white, or binary. It doesn't just go away. For me, at least, it was so gradual and subtle, and slow, I could hardly trust that it was happening. But indeed it did. I do feel much better in my skin. I'm beautiful in my own way. You are and we all are too. Hugs, Emma

Hello Alex, and welcome to TG Guide. Of course, please post and write. We would love to hear from you. Emma

"It's scarily daunting." But, I imagine - and I admit, easy for me to say - also freeing, and a day of celebration. I hope you will make plans to go out with friends that evening and toast your courage to be who you are. Personally, I admire and applaud you. I hope you'll keep us informed and allow us to give you a standing ovation if only in spirit. Hugs, Emma

Jay, My ex-wife, when we argued or I was depressed, used to say, "It's always all about you." And recently, in an argument with a rather difficult person at work (also a woman) I heard the same thing. Well, it's not, and dammit, those words are about the most hurtful anyone can throw at us. I don't blame you for being pissed for missing your meeting. Your feelings are right on. Hugs, Emma

I've been away for a while, my trans feelings kind of minimized, as if maybe I'd gotten over it. After all, maybe it was more about hiding, lying, and finally, now that the lying and hiding and shame are mostly over, and my wife and I started deeply loving each other again, the storm had passed. Or maybe it was like Judy my gender therapist said, the TG Train has many stations along its journey, and maybe I only needed a ticket to the first or second station? But lately as the weather has gotten colder it's as if the feelings are always there. This morning I saw an Anatomy of a Scene of a new movie "The Danish Girl" in the New York Times. It's directed by Tom Hooper who also directed "The King's Speech" so I imagine it's very well done. What a trigger for me, to see Eddie Redmayne start to viscerally transform herself into the female she knows she is at her deepest. My mental-health therapist often asks me to describe what I feel in my body when I have strong feelings. It's like a tightening in my chest, a deep longing, with a twinge of sadness, because I know that I wish I'd been born female and although I could take the TG Train further nothing would change the fact that I was not born a girl. And, on balance, I like my life well enough but for that longing, like a love that was never to be. PS: I took the photo several years ago in Wuhan, China, through the window in my hotel room, using the floor lamp as a tripod to hold the camera steady to grab three shots at -2, 0, and +2 stops to process into this, an HDR image. Perhaps this photo with its circling cars is a metaphor for what I go through.

Dear SteamBelle, Thank you for writing, you came to the right place. If it helps, I know these feelings all too well. Twice in the last year I've called both the Transgender Suicide Hotline (http://www.translifeline.org) and my therapist. You're right, they won't fix everything, but they do provide a safe place to vent out loud, which is a heck of wonderful benefit. I don't want to come off all preachy and know-it-all, I don't want to push you away. So I am not sure what to write. All I can say is keep trying, keep talking, keep getting to know and accept yourself. It's a long road and it's unfair how much it can suck at times. I've had these TG feelings and envies since I was maybe three or four, and carried the shame of it from about that same time when I realized how "wrong" it seemed to be. I lived a lie, hiding my feelings, terrified that they would come out, went through one marriage and almost a second. Lots of therapists and so forth, but even there my shame was so deep I had trouble sharing with them (man or woman, I've tried both) my deepest and truest feelings. The good news is that in the past two years I have, for the first time, completely come out to my therapist and later, to my wife. God, that was tough. The therapist is terrific - we connected and he's utterly supportive and considerate. My wife: also supportive, but also very conflicted about what I told her. Thankfully, she gave me the space to really dive in and explore myself, which I did, and which was hard enough in itself. I sit here today feeling a lot better in my skin, and thoughts of suicide do sometimes return, although fleetingly, as having carried such crap for so long it's like an automatic go-to thinking pattern. I just wanted to share with you that I, like most others here at TGG, have and are going through similar stuff. You're among friends and I hope you will take advantage of the wonderful people here, and most important, reach out to others. If you can afford it, find a therapist and talk it out. It's hard and takes a long time and investment to find the one that works for you, but you're worth it. Hugs, Emma

Dear Warren, I've not been around here much lately myself. Been traveling on business and just too whipped to check in. I'm happy to see you're happy. Love your upcoming tat, too. Regarding spending $800 for the tattoo: it's important to realize that, just like dieting, we all have to eat. We have to allow ourselves to have some fun while we strive for the larger goal. If, for example, you didn't spend anything on yourself for a year, it's likely that you'd fall off the wagon and find yourself splurging everything, snd then really feeling horrible. It's better to allow yourself some fun, my friend. Rome, and Warren, wasn't built in a day, Emma

Dear Warren, I agree with Monica. But also, when you feel like this, please call a hotline, like the Transgender suicide line I posted in TH Resources or that you can find by Googling. I've done it, on more than one occasion, and it helped. i agree too that at times it just sucks, feeling this way, tired and burned out. Time to take care of Warren, my friend. Give yourself something, a hug, a cup of tea, take a walk. We all love you, Ren. Emma

Eve, Im also sorry to hear you're leaving but I fully understand. I've also been much less active lately. For me, I never felt any difference about you being in the UK, nor for that matter, anything other than another sweet regular member and contributor. I know what you mean, though, that it's nice to receive feedback and exchange with others. I also wish you the very best. But also know that you're always welcome back, anytime, for as much or as little as you wish. Warm hugs, Emma

Hi Tara, Welcome to TGGuide. I enjoyed reading your blog, I liked your style and openness. Congratulations on your transition! I suppose it feels like it's all downhill from here? I hope so and hope you're doing well. For me, I'm less likely to go to a blog outside of TGG. Call me lazy but I tend to read what I see here and comment if I'm compelled. No matter, you're welcome to join and add your voice. Please do! Hugs, Emma

Dear Warren, First, congratulations on your new job! It sounds awesome, and I can tell you're the right awesome guy for it. Good on you, too, that you put yourself out there to get it. I think we all know how hard that can be to do when we are feeling low or oppressed. And I'm sorry to hear about your struggle with saving up for your top surgery as well as the hurtful people you're encountering elsewhere. Doesn't it suck and isn't it amazing how many people like that there are in the world? I can only say that I am so glad we don't suffer such abuse here. Youre awesome, Warren, we all love and support you. Hugs, Emma

Dear Monica, For me, the important point I take from this article is that we need to be ourselves, be real. And when we are, magical things happen. We are less worried about our perceptions of how others feel about us, and love come back to us. The key is to not try so hard. Just be ourselves, and as that, we are lovable and deserving of respect and care like anyone else. Hugs, Emma

Hiya, Ren, Great to hear from you and glad that your friends dog is doing much better. You also sound much better, and that's most important to me. Forgive me if I haven't stayed current with your posts, but I guess you must have a new job? How're you doing yourself? Not much to report sounds pretty good to me! Regarding your video, I was unable to launch it on my iPad. I see a little "play button" arrow in your post but no outline of a YouTube video, and when I touch it nothing happens. Maybe you should post the link itself instead? Just an idea. Rock on, Emma

Dear Monica, Thank you for such a lovely and thoughtful post. Isn't it wonderful? You are too. Emma

Hi Christie, It also sounds to me like you've got a tremendous support system. And you're part of that too, of course. I like it that you're putting one foot in front of the other without rushing. Yes, HRT sounds like it's in your near term future. Thank goodness you have such a wonderful therapist and MD to talk to. I think it would be especially interesting to read about how you deal with your fears and doubts as you move toward and possibly into HRT. I know I would love to hear about that. hugs, Emma

Echoing Monica's advice here, but "lifestyle changes" is not very well defined. Maybe it would help to give you some of my story: About fifteen years ago my waist size was 38 and I knew I was headed to 40, tipping the scales at almost 200 pounds. I don't remember what I weighed back in HS and college, but I suppose it was in the mid-150s. My doctor was increasingly concerned, starting having "The Talk" with me about possible diabetes, and I got suitably scared. The good news is that I was able to reduce. I used the Atkins approach, pretty religiously, along with bicycle riding for exercise. I got down to about 36 waist size and 165-170 pounds, and thought I was pretty much done for about ten years. But then it seemed my glucose levels were still staying higher than the doctor wanted to see. So, I got religion again, counting calories and carbs, and am now at about 155#, 34" waist (comfortable), and my blood tests look great. It is hard to do at times. But I do enjoy desserts from time to time, and I really enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. Nothing to excess. When we go out to eat which isn't very often, I do enjoy some bread and butter. At home we often have a nice big salad topped with chicken that I BBQ, and with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. Oh, and did I mention a glass of wine? The other thing I found necessary for me is to every single day... weigh myself. Yes, it sounds extreme, but only then do I see if my weight is staying about where I want it, or if it's trending up. It never goes down without my attention. My weight tends to fluctuate about a pound up and down, anyway, so if I didn't monitor it, then I would not know where I am in that cycle. Lastly, turn it into a game. Don't make it into a "I'll never be able to have cake (or pick your poison) again! Woe is me!" If you do that then it's so hard to stay motivated because you feel like your starving yourself and life's just too short. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back when you lose a pound. And look forward to buying new (smaller) clothes! Okay, I'll get off my soap box. Send me a PM if you'd like more thoughts... Good luck, Emma

Hi Brigsby, At the risk of repeating myself, I hope you feel more than welcome here, because you ARE. We're always delighted to get to know new members and greatly appreciate their Forum comments and posts, as well as their blogs. I hope we continue to hear a lot from you. Hugs, Emma

Hi Eve, Thanks very much for your post. I imagine you felt it's kind of risky. But if you can't risk with us, who can you risk with? !!! I greatly appreciate your openness, concerns, and sure, your commitment. Airing your feelings is very healthy for you and your readers. I think we all wonder at times about our motivations and it's good to reflect on our histories, especially childhood, when our raw innocence cannot be denied. Emma

Hey Warren, I also liked the cartoon and assumed you'd drawn it. What a bummer about the beach. We don't get as crowded out here in Northern California but indeed the traffic can get thick. I'm always pushing to get started a little earlier to beat the rush. I would also be seriously bummed to have talked to K. We can assume (hope) that she was just having a bad day and you were unfortunate to be on the receiving end of her crap. Or she's always like this. Either way it has nothing to do with you. You're cool, we know that, and you don't deserve that kind of tone or treatment from anyone. No way, no how. Dammit. I also don't blame you for being reduced to tears. Why not? You're bravely putting yourself on the firing line, stepping in front, leading the way. Yes, it absolutely sucks to keep getting this kind of response. We're all pulling for YOU, Warren. Many warm hugs, Emma

Dear Winter, I'm so sorry to hear this from you and I'm not surprised to hear you're feeling depressed. I think what you are experiencing is what we all fear: rejection, loneliness, despair, and all that self-questioning: am I doing the right thing? How crazy am I? Well, you're not. No, I don't know you at all of course. But being TG isn't a "choice" the way that others would see it. It is what it is. And if you're on the Transgender Train I think it's best to get started and ride it out, to whatever stop(s) you decide to get off at. In the meantime may I suggest that you keep on blogging, let us know how you're doing, and allow us to give whatever support we can. Hugs, Emma

Dear Ren, if that's not a young man looking at me, from your photo, I don't know what is. You look terrific, handsome, although I know you were faking your smile. I also fully get how you're feeling so depressed, irritable, pissed off. But I do wish you a happy birthday. Maybe my wish won't come true but I wish it with all my heart nonetheless. All of my birthday cakes for you are for Warren, my friend. I hope you can hang in there. We miss hearing from you. Many warm hugs, Emma

Hi Monica, You're certainly correct, face to face is Always Better and I think many people hide behind their screens. In business I often hear people say "Well, I sent them an email..." to which I respond "Why not pick up the phone and Call them?" It's too easy to pick an excuse and accept a distorted reality that it's okay to drop the ball. That said, though, I think an issue with the trans community is that most really do want to simply blend in, to be identified as their true gender and not stand out or be confused with their birth gender. I can't blame them at all. Some trans folks are comfortable identifying as trans and many (most?) are not. I imagine that's the way it will be until our society not only accepts but also embraces trans as viable and valuable members of society. But, I know what you mean, and it's good to express the desire that we stand up for ourselves and remain a community. Thank goodness for TG Guide, which provides me with even this little way that I too can stand up alongside those who are much braver and steadfast than me. Emma

Christie, I agree with you 100% about Jacklyn Smith. I suppose the one for me that trumps all others? My namesake, Mrs. Emma Peel (Diana Rigg) of The Avengers! Oh, but let's not forget Julie Andrews, Stephanie Powers, Mary Tyler Moore, Sally Field, Julie Newmar, Barbara Feldon, Natalie Wood, Marlo Thomas, Patty Duke, .... and, Shirley Temple!!! Emma

I wasn't much of a Starsky and Hutch fan, maybe because my fantasies were more about being one of the females. I used to love watching Star Trek, both when it was new and in re-runs and I recall the details of many episodes. But man, did I want to be Yeoman Rand! Emma

Hey Warren, It's great to hear from you. Definitely let us know how it goes with talking to the CEO of that LGBT group. If nothing else it's great to add another link to your network of supporters. Who knows who you might gain a connection to. And, love your photos! Emma