Emma

Hahahaha!! A zip tie? Never heard of such a thing. Really, learning to tie a tie is a rite of passage. We need to get you a real tie! But I'll tell you what: I hate 'em. They seem like such a silly accoutrement to men's wear. I mean, what do they do but add a little design and cover shirt buttons! :-) And, from now on, you have to worry about the neck size on your shirts. There's (almost) nothing worse than choking after buttoning the top button. :)

Hey Ren, It's good to see you back here, man. We've missed you and hoped you're well. Sorry to hear about the BS at work. At least you will have your name change very soon which will remove one of their stupid arguments. But like michael said, I also wonder if they are making a case against you. Good for you to document their actions and words. That is very important to do. More notes is better, so write it all down every day... And I'm happy how you and your BF are working on this together. You're being very considerate of him too, which I'm sure he appreciates. We need to be gentle and patient with our SO's! Hugs, Emma P.S. Have fun tying the tie! They are hard to get used to, to get the lengths right. Give yourself plenty of time to repeat it until it's just right!

Hey Veronica, Yeah, hahaha! Silly me about the mountain movie... DOH! Emma

Alice is beautiful as is her poem. Thank you for posting this! Emma

As usual, this morning I was reading the New York Times online edition on the computer in my home office – a very interesting article titled “The Ride of Their Lives” with the following opening paragraph: “NO FAMILY DOMINATES a rodeo event the way the Wrights do saddle bronc. But rodeo is a young man's game, which is why the family patriarch works to grow his cattle herd. Rodeo and ranching may be vestiges of the Old West, yet the combination is one family's hope for future generations.” So there I was, reading the article, browsing the fantastic photos, and reading the caption to the photo shown here (a young cowboy crashed out from a hard day’s rodeo) when my wife walked in to say goodbye for the day. “What’s that?” she asked. “Oh, nothing, just an interesting article in the New York Times.” I scrolled around a bit to show her some of the other photos. We proceeded to say our farewells and I went about my recent efforts on her business’s tax preparations. About an hour later, I receive this text message: “I was upset this morning in your office seeing your email. I would like to talk to you about it tonight.” I couldn’t imagine what email she was referring to, and replied, “Which email was that?” No response. Uh oh. I wracked my brain, looked over the few emails that I had written and responded to, nothing looked particularly unusual. Then it dawned on me: the New York Times photo of the cowboy! Oh crap, once again, she’s terrified I’m GAY! Although I assure you, my Maker, my therapists, and my wife, that I am 100% heterosexual (and I really don’t care if one is or isn’t, I just am), she has been worried about this ever since I came out to her about my being transgender. Once again I have to enter Damage Control and undo what her worried mind is conjuring up. I printed out the front page of the NYT showing the article in question prominently displayed in the top center and rode my bike the 10+ miles to her shop, to show her the real source of the article as well as my sincere disclaimer about being gay. I think it all went fine except I should not have mentioned that I also enjoyed "Brokeback Mountain" for its cinema-photography, soundtrack, and heart-wrenching story. (Which I did, not for the gay-ness just because it was a terrific film.) I’ll know more in about three hours. Suffice it to provide this Important Safety Tip: Be darned careful what you are looking at on your computer when your SO is around! Yeah, something else to tattoo on my forearm.

Dear Lisa, I do wish you the very best with your wife. No doubt your decision will be hard for her and therefore, for you as well. The main advice I've heard is to try to be as patient and understanding as you can be with her. After all, your gender concerns and thoughts have been with you (probably in lots of forms and worries) for most of your life. She needs time and support to process all of this. Hugs for you both, Emma

Dear Monica, I agree with you 100%. Take the high road, be an example of one who doesn't ger dragged into the gutter with the pigs. By doing this people see them for what they are. Emma

Dear Lisa, I feel saddened myself to hear your story. I wish I could take it all away but we know that it is almost to be expected and dealt with. But that doesn't make it any easier. Here you have friends that support you always, no matter what. Pound out your frustrations and hurts onto your keyboard. Try to let it go. But overall you must be careful. There are hateful people out there who might do you harm. I know you know that but it needed to be said. I wish you the very best and a wonderful weekend too. And my condolences for the loss of Lauren. I'll bet you would love to be able to cry on her shoulder now. Hugs and hugs, Emma

Michael, Reading this I feel we were on parallel universes. I think we're the same age (vintage?). I also watched TV dreaming of being its star. Shows like The Girl From U.N.C.L.E., That Girl, Batgirl, and embarrassed to admit it, The Flying Nun. And let's not forget Emma Peale in The Avengers! I watched these shows, wondering, wishing, and of course no one knew what was going on in my head... I also at times wish I'd been more brave or committed to coming out to myself so many years ago, accepting and loving myself. I think I did the best I could, navigating my feelings, playing the cards I was dealt. There are so many resources available today that simply were not around back then. In those days I worried I was more in the "sick" camp, as I new I was hetero and considerations of following in Christine Jorgenson's shoes didn't appeal to me although I thought a lot about it. So I did what any "normal" person would do: I hid it, buried it, purged, and built a box for me and my secret. And my depression deepened. For some crazy reason I didn't understand why! But that's the bad news. These days the road of my journey still has potholes and I don't know where it's headed. But at least I'm moving in a more positive direction. Emma

Hi Warren, While I am also puzzled about "how" we become transgender, the effects of improper timing/amounts of hormones in the womb and all, the gender therapist I'm seeing (who has >40 years experience!) is confident that the number of MTF transwomen and FTM transmen is the same. She says that transmen are under-reported due to things like it's easier (more socially acceptable) for a transman to crossdress in masculine clothing which can mitigate their need for more expression or bodily changes. Not that that affects you but I thought you'd find it interesting. Hugs, Emma

I love your dream, Pamela. It's exciting and fun to think about. Keep dreaming and let us know more. I also hope you're feeling better.

Hi Jenny, I'm a believer that God doesn't make mistakes, loves his creations, and we're all created in his image. Like all of us, you're in that boat too. He (and we) loves you. A larger challenge is dealing with friends and family here where we live. I'd say you're doing remarkably here too. I hope that someday you do receive your sight. But regardless, your feelings are not a matter of your growing up, straightening up, or whatever. They don't go away. And you're beautiful the way you are. Emma

Good for you, Melody. Very good to hear. You have true friends here, too.

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. I wasn't sure if I should click the "Like This" button because of course I do not like what you experienced, but I selected it to show my support of you. You stood up for yourself, good for you. What else can you do, I wonder. Perhaps that's a question to ask those people if it happens again, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Good luck, Emma

I agree with Karen, you look terrific. If you really want to gain weight, eat carbs, like bread, pasta, rice... All that stuff will "help" but long term it's really sugar, which may create havoc with your insulin and blood sugar. I think you're better off letting nature take its course. If you're thin, you're thin! Many would be totally envious... :-) I'm 5' 8 1/2" and am now stable and happy at 155 lbs. it's not easy but with practice it's not that hard either. We eat meat/fish/poultry with salads and veggies. Popcorn and wine for dessert. :-) in moderation of course. The most important thing is to stay healthy and exercise. Health is one of those things too easy to take for granted until it's a problem. You do look great. Enjoy it! You deserve it. Emma

Hey Karen, great advice, many thanks! I'll be sure to pick some up. Emma

Hi Eve, I know it does sound like a lot of therapists. For me there is really only one, that I see 1:1 and also for couple's meetings with my wife. The support group I attend is led by a gender therapist that I've seen 1:1 once and will probably do so again but there is no plan for it right now. I have had a lot of depression in my life and seen a lot of therapists, read a lot of books, done a lot of soul-searching, as well as various intoxicants mostly when I was younger. At the root I think is coming to terms with my transgender. I kind of needed to figure out where it came from and what it means. And overarching shame has made it difficult to dive into details with anyone, therapist or not. No, therapists here in the US do not (or at least should not) tell us how to feel or do anything. They are mostly a sounding board, a trusted mentor, and while we become friends of sorts they need to maintain a distance that allows them to be objective. When I first started to see therapists (about 30 years ago) they pretty much just listened, which sucked, because I needed someone to help draw out stuff and provide thoughts. Over the last decade (I think) this protocol has changed to where they are okay with providing commentary, which I greatly need and appreciate. Last, yes, there is a Trans place I can go about 40 minutes from my home. It's okay but I'm deciding how comfortable I feel there. I've been there a few times and I have mixed feelings. The proprietor is wonderful but some of the others? Well... Same age, huh? We could be sisters! :-) Emma

Hi Monica, Actually I'm not complaining about my feet at all! I feel lucky that they are roughly 11M as this was the largest size listed for my shoes. Hugs, Emma

You look lovely the way you are!

It's a wonderful day, today. My wife is away this morning on business and while I miss her I have the opportunity to be myself for a couple of hours. After my shower I dressed with some feminine underthings (well concealed by layers of more masculine apparel) and headed out to our regular Sunday haunts, the coffee shop in Palo Alto, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market, where I picked up long-stemmed tulips, a couple of heads of lettuce, some fresh asparagus, and cauliflower. Now, I'm at my computer, having changed into my dress, and listening to a Karla Bonoff "best of" album. Life feels pretty good at the moment. Later today I'll head back out to buy some fish for tonight's dinner, and after, we'll dive back into a couple of episodes of House of Cards and a rather large bowl of popcorn. This week will definitely be interesting. On Wednesday evening we have a couple's meeting with my therapist. Thinking about it now I'm a bit apprehensive but I think it will be okay. Thursday afternoon I have a 1:1 meeting with the same therapist. He asked me to bring my small collection of female clothing, which I plan to do. We didn't talk about what the goal is but I assume that by doing that I'll further see through experience that I am really okay. On Thursday evening I will attend the monthly TG support group. Last week I bought some black ballet flats on Amazon which actually fit! (I did a fair amount of research into foot measurements, and took an educated guess of my size which turned out to be 11M. Here's a funny aside: I measured my left foot's length and width to determine the size; I learned later when I received the shoes that my right foot is slightly larger. It still fits okay but I'm trying to stretch it a little with a shoe tree.) For the meeting I plan on wearing some black tights under my jeans and then change into my ballet flats nearby, for the meeting and dinner afterward. They say we should take baby steps and I know by many measures these are indeed small steps. It's great to have something to look forward to. Have a nice week! Emma * Illustration from Once Upon an Alphabet by Oliver Jeffers

Haha! Good for you Karen, all engines forward toward a wonderful now and future. You've earned it. Emma

Hi Rae, Like you, I'm fairly certain I'd be a lesbian, and proud of it. You're a lucky gal to have found a kindred spirit to join up with! I also share your wondering about when or if my thinking will change from "I wish I was female" to "I am, and then need to decide if or when I will transition my body to match my gender. Recently I am wondering if the gender in our brain is as binary as our sex (at least for most of us). I guess it isn't because otherwise transgender wouldn't be defined as much as an "umbrella of diversity" to a bar-chart distribution of gender/sex/sex-preference. Hope you are having a wonderful Saturday evening, Emma

Hi Lisa, I'm so happy to read that you found this helpful. I really did too and love the opportunity to share it. Writing like this helps me as well. For example I emailed this to my therapist and brought a hard copy for my meeting with him today. So many details to try to remember and keep sorted! Like the minutes of a meeting I use these as an extension of my memory. :-) I'm glad to hear that you're also availing yourself of therapy. I'd be way too impatient to only go once/month but I imagine you're busy. My therapist and I are like friends, in some ways. For me, his office is the only place in the world where I can just be Emma. Such a relief, isn't it? Makes me happy and I look forward to next Thursdays meeting. Hugs, Emma