Emma

Addendum After posting this I walked 45 minutes to Cafe Borrone to give me a chance to put RAIN into practice. I'd stored up some anger and hurt since a confrontation with my wife on Friday morning. First: which to focus on, the anger or the hurt? According to the book, choose the "biggest one" so I chose anger. And I must say, it really seemed to dissipate as I went through the RAIN steps. At Cafe Borrone I settled into reading Learning Swift Programming and a pint of Racer 5 IPA. (Yes, the propeller on my beanie is spinning rapidly. Wouldn't you like to read about optionals and tuples?) As I was reading my thoughts drifted. I realized the next emotion to come up was fear. Where is all this headed? Will she (does she) still love me? Aha! Another opportunity to try RAIN. (Channeling Spock, with his raised eyebrow: "Captain, it appears you're experiencing the fear emotion that humans experience so often.") So yeah, I went through it again, this time for fear. And I'll tell you: it helped. Sure, I have some remnants. But the back has been broken on that emotion at least for now. Give it a try yourself. Probably ought to buy the book (no, not the Swift book).

For Christmas my son gave me a copy of the book "Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfullness." I had mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I've heard about the benefits of mindfullness meditation for several years and thought this might finally give me what I need to actually learn and add it to my life. On the other hand I've had so much trouble accepting mindfullness. (Isn't meditation a bunch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo?) I worried that once again I'd fail to follow through and thus re-live all the emotional baggage that comes with that. I'm glad to report that I have been making some good progress (about half-way through). I'm trying to be very Zen-full about reading it, allowing myself to read a little, put it down for a day or two, and then come back to it. Today I came across something that I'd like to write about: R. A. I. N. Negative emotions are very natural, most likely emerging from our early ancestors' needs to be aware of danger, protect themselves, care for their families and communities. But these days we tend to think negatively about even having negative emotions; we try to rid ourselves of these emotions through introspection or suppression. Worse, we may continue to bring up and enhance those emotions by continually replaying the events that triggered them. Good grief! Here's a quick summary of a technique (okay, it's Buddhist, but let's forget that for the moment) that has the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification. It's been taught all over, from prisons to schools, to couples in therapy - with very positive results. So, what do we have to lose from trying it out? Recognition The first step is to recognize the emotion, and give it a label such as grief, anger, sadness, fear. Just giving it a label enables us to gain some cognitive distance, to "see it" for what it is, an emotion. Acceptance Whatever we experience is okay. Whether it's an emotion we like or not, you're human, and you have emotions. From the book, Mindfullness encourages you to be present, without shame or blame or fear, to what is truly happening. Once the emotion is labelled, in Recognition, we need to accept it. Like hugging a child when she falls, telling ourselves "It's okay, you'll be fine, I'll take care of you." This may be easier said that done since we may reject feeling the emotion at all, as if it's bad or shameful in and of itself. In that case, consider that emotion, go back to Recognition, and see where that takes you. Investigation Now that you've recognized and accepted the emotion, consider how it is affecting you in your body. Shortness of breath? Tight throat? Stomach clenched? Note that in RAIN "Investigation" doesn't mean to imply that we should consider where the emotion may be coming from, say our childhood or something. "Investigation" is just a handy word whose "I" fits well into the acronym. :-) Non-Identification This is perhaps the hardest step but it's the one that we want to internalize. It's where you observe the emotion as if it's not a part of you at all. It's not your emotion instead it's the emotion, which we know from experience is transient, "this too shall pass." Nothing is perfect and we're not Buddhist monks. But I suppose many of us look for more tools and techniques. Hope this helps you. Heck, I hope it helps me. We'll see; I've got something to try it out on right now! Wish me luck. Emma Photo: I shot this in a huge open-air monkey zoo in South Africa. I like this scene a lot. Probably could be a crisper photo but hey, it was happening in real life!

Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you'd be posting again soon. And I'm in luck this morning to see this! I also have tried to control so many things in my life, mostly by analyzing and study - as if knowledge will do it. But as you and I well know at some point we have to trust our gut feel. Regarding your TS roadmap I wonder if you've visited Lynn Conway's website: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html She's a remarkable woman in many ways and offers a lot of information about transition that is erudite and articulate. I'd be surprised if you don't find some nuggets of wisdom there to help you. I'm sorry about your father's passing and I know exactly what you mean about wishing for his advice. My father died 10 years ago this coming September and it's rare day that I don't think of something I wish we could talk about. Hugs, Emma

Why, Lisa, you're still a youngster! Good for you! I''ll turn 59 in May. :-( That said, it's much better to be in my late 50s and coming to terms with myself than waiting for what may never come. To me that would be the biggest tragedy, to be lying there in the hospital, knowing I'm at the end of my days, wishing I'd had the gumption to do what needed to be done to be true to myself. That "truth" is hard to determine with much certainty. At some point, after soul-searching, planning, and discussions with friends and therapists, we have to trust out instincts. As you said it's a marathon but think of the endorphin rush(s) in your future! Hugs, Emma

Hi Lisa, I'm also happy that you kept a copy of this post - I'd hate to miss it. And I'm glad that you're finding that the blogging is helping you. For me it's so helpful to write out my thoughts so I can gain some perspective and not have to try to juggle them all in my mind. We're all in 100% support of you and your journey, wherever it takes you. I hope you're confident of that. Hugs, Emma

Muchas gracias to both of you! I really appreciate your support and comments. A recurring issue for me is, as Veronica says, let the chips fall. It's hard for me to let go. I'm working on that. It's all part of my own Finding Myself Journey I suppose. Maybe I should have satin baseball jackets made with "Emma's 2015 Tour" embroidered on the back? Kidding. I'd never do such a thing. Warm hugs for you both, Emma

Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes. Here goes: I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed. Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all. I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as: I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing. I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner. And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with... Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house? I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and: I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug. When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay. Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace. At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on. Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened. My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am." So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings. Emma P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella. Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.

Hi Dani, I'll try to remember to look at your blog but can't promise. I'm sure there is some fun to have an independent presence over there. You can express more of yourself and creativity there perhaps, which is hard to deny. I must say that for me I like it here since I can so easily have TGG as a central repository for my transgender life. Anyway, hope you're not a stranger and we see you here from time to time. Hugs, Emma

Welcome back Warren! We've missed you. I'm glad to hear you had such a busy and positive month, and I love your new photo. You rock, kiddo. Keep your chin up and talking to your BF. Regarding lovey, gooey, mushy stuff: back at ya, double. Emma

Hi Salem, I agree with you of course. Still, I tried to communicate openly from the very start, and my fiance (at that time) wasn't able to listen to my disclosures. We both buried them as best we could but learned over time that despite our best efforts my deepest secret raised its head over and over again and would not be put down. In hindsight it seems so obvious now. But we all live and learn. Fortunately, both my wife and myself are much wiser now, almost twenty years later, and we are trying to navigate this together. But to your point I wish we'd had a mentor like you way back when. Emma

Dear Lisa, Congratulations to you. You're very courageous you know, and it's paying off for you. What a great way to start the new year! I wish you the best one ever. Emma

Hi Jenny, Good to see your blog post. I imagine it's hard for you to do but I hope to read more from you. I agree with you that it does seem at times that the transgender scale leans toward hormones and surgery but, like you, I'm more likely at the opposite end! Emma

Dear Veronica, thank you so much for your kind words. I really need them today. My heart soars. Emma

Hey Michael, Regarding the restaurant manager, no, I'm not worried. I'd actually mentioned the possibility of running into someone I knew to my wife and our therapist when we met a couple of days ago; we decided it was going to be - or would be - "no big deal." (Funny how those three little words keep appearing!) Emma

I attended my first therapist-led support group last night. In short, it was a very good experience for me and I'm grateful to have found it and their warm welcomes. There were six of us in all, including the therapist and myself. Three are transitioned transwomen and the fourth is taking hormones, thinks she would like to transition but isn't sure. Three are married and one's wife passed away some years ago. All are well known to each other; some have attended this meeting for more than a decade! We went around the room introducing ourselves with me allowed to wait until last. They described their journeys, home situation, children/family, and a summary of their transition - especially as it related to acceptance and feedback they received at work. I appreciated their openness and heartfelt support and although all are either transexual or in transition no one challenged my telling them that I may be remain at the crossdresser end of the transgender umbrella. My main take-aways: If one wishes to remain happy and married to their significant other we need to recognize that they are going through their own unasked-for transition. Be sensitive to that, don't push or pressure, communicate and allow her to come to terms with the "new you." It's all too easy to be self-centered especially as we're experiencing and enjoying our new freedoms. Try to keep that in check or at least be sensitive to your wife's needs. The therapist provided her metaphor for the transgender journey: a train chugging along the track, unaware of its final destination or distance to travel. We may get off at early or intermediate stations and stay there or get back on the train and continue. I expressed some of my reluctance and ambivalence to ride the train and was advised that I need to swim with the fish to uncover where I'm meant to reside under the umbrella. (Sorry for the incredibly mixed metaphor!) After the meeting we went to a local restaurant that they always go to - which happens to be one that my wife and I have also gone to often enough in the past that, you got it, the manager recognized me with the group. Full smile as always, warm greeting, and as a bonus, a little extra pour of the cabernet. This morning it occurs to me that the only regret I have for the meeting is that I'm joining a group and making friends that will likely never include my wife. Still, it was good times and I'm looking forward to the next meeting in early February.

Michael, I always appreciate your thoughts. Please allow me to try to shed some light into what I was meaning. I don't know if I can but I will try. My point is this: regardless of from where ones preference or comfort is derived it is valid in and of itself. As an example, my sexual preference is for women. I don't know if that is coming from my biology or sociology. It just is, at least for now. Individuals such as my friend have their own comfort zones, which need to be respected and appreciated if I am to hope that she will be able to open up to me or us. That said, I agree that societal views must also be addressed. But societies are made up of individuals who need to be won over individually by our examples of friendly, healthy, contributions to society.

Salem, I'd really like to hear more from you at TG Guide. You write with a sensitivity that resonates with me. Thank you! Emma

You rock, Karen!

That was truly well written, thank you. I think of suicide almost daily, not planning, mostly fleeting, but wondering how much longer or under what conditions I'll last. Your writing was very inspirational to me, thank you. Emma

Dani, I think I see your point. An example might be use of the "n-word" for blacks. I occasionally hear one black using it to another as if they have a common bond, like "Hey bro, mind if I ask a favor of you?" (Replace 'bro' with the n-word.) But, notice that even in this message I'm not spelling out the n-word. Why? Because I know how much weight and hurt that word carries. "Tranny" has similar baggage. As does "she-male" and others. Oh sure, I can imagine that in the right setting, I might joke with Veronica that way if we were both dressed en femme. But for me I'd prefer not to hear it. What about changing public perception? I think we have enough to contend with regarding acceptance and support for trans people. Trying to also "change the meaning" of what is used as a derogatory slur seems too much. I recall the days in the 60s when my grandfather used the n-word when talking about blacks. And I remember when "black" and "gay" words emerged as friendly terms for blacks and homosexual men. I think we need to follow in their footsteps. Last, I'd like to express my appreciation for your bringing this up for discussion here. That's a good thing to do. You go, Girl! Emma

Congratulations Karen! I'll bet that's a big relief. One more thing you can cross off the list.

There's a story behind that. Yesterday while walking back from the coffee shop I contemplated the title of this post. Might it be: "No Big Deal - My Bad"? "No Big Deal - Emma's Blunder"? Nothing sounded right. And then I thought of mea culpa. I admit that I checked its definition to be sure, and now you know... The Rest of the Story.