Emma

I completely echo Lisa's sentiment and commitment, Karen. Have a very Merry Christmas. Emma

DawnLynn, You're a lucky girl, you know that? Mostly, you're a shining star. Good for you and God bless. Hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas. And, with what you've accomplished in 2014 I imagine 2015 is going to be remarkable for you! Emma

Sounds great, Karen. Something else to look forward to!

What a great article. Thank you for posting it! Emma

Hahaha! You and me, sister, we're sticking it out here on TG Guide! That's so weird, the problem with copy/paste. Seems to work fine for me, either with iPad or iMac. It's just ASCII text so it should be fine of course with anything. I'm glad you returned that laptop although I can't imagine what's going on with it. Best of luck to you, finding a decent Windows machine these days. Cheap, yes, but Windows is no fun. :-) Emma

What a hassle that Windows 8 won't even support a ctrl-c (copy) and ctrl-v (paste) operation? I don't understand that at all. I suppose at worst case you could just type in your new blog's URL. Although I have to say: does this mean you'll no longer being hanging out here much? I suppose that's to be expected?

How funny you found your car's title "tucked away" with your old gaffs! I wonder what you were thinking when you stored them together, perhaps ~5 years ago!

Karen, What a wonderful Christmas for you and a wonderful 2015 to look forward to. You're remarkable! Emma

Hi Lisa, I sure know what you mean about ups and downs, how they can feel so good on the upside and so miserable and scary on the downside. I'm sorry to hear you were feeling this way and glad that you were able to attend both therapy and your support group. Good for you! Maybe it will help in future "attacks" to recall that you did feel better after attending those meetings. I know that for me, in the midst of an attack of the blues, it doesn't seem like anything could possibly help. So, I also try to remember that things like that help. That said, the whole "Holiday Season" is fraught with these ups and downs for me. I'm pretty conflicted about the whole thing and in many ways wish it was already past. All I can do now is to take it a moment at a time, focus on the present... the mindfulness thing. Happy holidays, Lisa, Emma

I agree completely with Karen but I also certainly understand your feelings. TG Guide is so great but it's not a replacement for getting together with friends and, possibly, making new friends while fully being ourselves. I hope you do look in your area for groups. Even here, you could tell us where you are and there may be recommendations. You may be "getting to be a pro" at not letting your feelings come out but that's a hard way to live. Good for you that you told us about what's going on for you. At least we can try to offer some help or a patient and accepting ear. Be well, Emma

Hi Karen, All systems go! Getting ready for blast off! How exciting for you as this wonderful new chapter of your life is about to begin. You go go go, girl! Emma

Hey Warren, Look, you deserve attaboys for taking action today, calling the surgeon, the insurance, your doctor, and finding out the realities. Most people don't have the cojones to do that, and you did. Look up 'cojones' if you don't know what they are... :-) I'm very happy to hear that you're going to stop cutting. Here again, your instincts are right on. You've got a good head on your shoulders, young man. Yes, it will take some problem solving to get your surgery and all figured out but I am certain that you will do it. Emma

It’s become clear to me recently that being transgender has been like living in a carefully constructed and maintained house of cards. Designed to protect me from discovery of my secret, my house has many rooms and no windows. Rooms are labeled with names like “How I’m supposed to be with people at work,” and “How I’m supposed to be with my wife,” and “How I’m supposed to be with friends.” Like any house of cards it’s prone to sudden collapse and needs continuous monitoring to detect any slippage before it crashes down. I’ve even had a house of cards with my therapists even as I knew that I needed to be fully transparent to help them help me out of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. With my shame I was unable to do so and thought that my feelings could be treated separately without their (and my) full understanding of my psyche. I now know I was wrong, which led me to spending a lot of time and money, relationship problems, and stifled career progression for the past 40 years. Important safety tip: don’t follow in my footsteps if you can avoid it. It might help to provide a summary of the effects of living in my house of cards: Marriage - I was often hyper-sensitive to anything I interpreted as criticism, leading to my needing reassurance that I am okay. - Reduced sex drive due to my not being more true to my self as well as over-thinking innocent requests like, “Touch me here, this way.” - Anger and frustration when she came up with what I interpreted as more rules for me to live by, like being advised to not wave my hands when talking (looks effeminate, go figure), be sure to keep the washing machine’s lid raised when not in use to prevent odor, shake out washed clothes before putting them in the dryer. Oh great, more cards to add to my already-teetering house. - “I’m so tired” as my common phrase at most hours of the day. Who could blame me? Keeping my house from falling while doing my job or anything else with others is exhausting. Children - Always good at shaking the house, challenging the status quo, not listening or following through… and me, paranoid about being found out. I was so uptight, trying to control and direct instead of providing them with the warm comfort they expected. (My wife assures me I wasn’t that bad and was actually a good father. She's biased of course.) - Thank goodness I had two sons. I can’t imagine how tough it would have been for me (and them) if I’d had daughters. Career - Often unhappy and unfulfilled, threatened by senior management due to doubts I was really one of the boys. Trying to act the part, mostly succeeding, but at a huge cost to me. - Despite my competence, I communicated - more often than I should have - insecurity, fear, need of reassurance: not a promotion path. - Always the one who first thought of customer’s feelings over pragmatic business realities, leading to a fair amount of raised eyebrows. - Changed jobs a lot trying to find the “right one.” Do I still live in my house of cards? To some extent, yes, although many of the cards have been removed recently by my coming out to my wife and therapist. What a huge relief! But it still has to be maintained while I consider where/when/if I come out to others. At least, though, I finally have awareness that my house isn’t as unstable as I’d thought and for that matter I care a bit less about it these days. I still have an in-law apartment above the garage which I maintain to keep track of what I have not yet confided to my wife. I’m having trouble, for example, telling her that I am and will be buying more clothes and accessories, that I need to store and care for them, and that I’ll be getting some coaching on all this from TG community resources. Emma

Hahaha! Warren, you crack me up. I guess we'll give you a hall pass for this week with your therapist. Take care, stay warm. Emma

Hi Karen, Yep, I'll check out the video, thanks. I play guitar as well, fingerstyle on an acoustic, as I like to be able to play a song by myself without a band or an amp. Thank goodness for these piezo tuners! Back in the day when I played blues on an electric I had a heck of a time tuning. :-) Emma

Karen, congratulations on pretty much having your voice ready. I agree that it's so important, and have thought I might someday go see a coach. I am downloading Pitch Lab and was surprised to see it's mainly a guitar tuner. By any chance do you have a link to the video that recommended it?

Daneela, I just discovered your blog this morning. It's been two years since this post and I hope you're feeling and doing better. Hugs, Emma

Thank you for writing and posting this. It helps me and I believe it will help others. I mean that. Emma

Hi Karen, Every day another step closer! Yes, hotels are expensive around here and even $155 is a bargain. I assume your hotel doesn't have room service so I hope you're also planning on how you will get what you need to eat. Your posts are so helpful to every transman and transwoman who will follow in your footsteps. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and I encourage you to continue. Emma

Oh, Pamela, I agree with you so much. I remember going to see The Sound of Music with my parents so long ago. Wondering at the girls in the family and also, of course, Julie Andrews. And I also recall shopping with my mother, sneaking into the clothes racks just like you. Emma