Emma

Very best wishes for you next Tuesday, and know that I will be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes. XXXOOOXXX Emma

Dear Stephanie, I'm sorry to hear about your arthritis. It's such a debilitating disease. Yes, I have rested today, took a nap. But really, I'm fine. Thank you so much for your kind words both here and to everyone else on TGGuide. You always have such nice things to say and you're very appreciated. Thank you, Stephanie. Emma

I've been wrestling with myself about posting this today. I don't think I'm one to blow my own horn (much) but yesterday I accomplished something I've been working toward for the last few weeks. I rode my bicycle over 100 miles, from Redwood City to Cupertino, back and forth, and finally returning home almost 8 hours later. Total riding time was just over 7 hours and the difference is due to stop lights and a couple of times when I stopped to open up my little pouch to munch on a piece of Clif Bar. The last two Saturdays I've tried to reach 100, but each time just could not go farther than about 75 miles. It was like I hit a wall and if I went further I was afraid I might just pass out. I do carry four bottles of water (mixed with electrolytes) and a couple of Shot Blok packages, but I got nauseous and had to head home. Yesterday as I passed 75 miles I was definitely moving slower. I started arguing with myself: go ahead and head home, at least I'd be more than 90 miles this time! But it finally came to me, to achieve more than 90% and then give up for the last 10%? No way. And, truth be told, I don't want to do this every weekend. Too many hours. I have other things to do too, and now, next weekend, I can take a "short 50 mile" ride and feel okay about it! Why do I write about it here? I don't often consider myself as having much grit and determination. I am intimidated all the time by stuff that others just don't understand. Stupid things like trying to diagnose why my wife's computer is no longer receiving emails into her business account. Now, I know how to do this sort of thing. But I feel an anxiousness when I don't know how it will end up and can't control the outcome. So maybe that's where I'm coming from. I certainly didn't know how it would all play out when I told my wife I am transgender two years ago. At first she was devastated, assuming that our marriage was over, that the one she loved so much had betrayed her trust, and that I was destined to transition. God, that was scary and emotionally wrenching. It took a lot of work in and out of therapy, more confessions from me, and finally starting to take an SSRI that seems to be really working, for once. All my life I've had emotional issues, and have spent countless hours with a variety of therapists for the last 35 years. I kept expecting that he/she/me would discover the "one thing" that was going on for me, we'd address it, and... problem solved! It sure didn't turn out that way. Part of my problem was that I was unable to disclose my transgender feelings to them or myself. But even when I started to do so with my present therapist, three years ago, the improvement in my well-being has been so subtle and gradual, at times unnoticeable. But as I contemplate how things are going these days it's undeniable that I have made progress. I don't know what "done" is, nor do I expect it. I still have my anxieties. I did yesterday morning as I considered getting up and, once again, trying to make it to 100 miles. But I did it! You can too. Love and hugs, Emma

Hi Michele, we are all rooting for you and wishing you well. I'll not advise that you take care of yourself but I am certainly thinking it. Let us know how it all turns out. Best wishes, Emma

Hey Jay, "And I'm not trying to be a 'typical male' - because there is no such thing." I seem to be in a quoting mood today (see my comment to Lisa a moment ago). But anyway, I think you're right on in all of your comments and how you present yourself: you are just yourself, simple as that. I think that's how we'd all like to be, just ourselves, take it or leave it. That takes a bravery that I don't have at least outside of our home, and I commend you. Bravo! Emma

Dear Lisa, "I will deal with it like I always have, with grace, love and kindness." I have no doubt of that, you're terrific, and I'm very happy to hear of your progress. Emma

Dear Lisa, I also echo Stephanie and Chantel's messages. Your wings are indeed strong and beautiful. You soar, girl! Emma

Sorry that you're having to face all this crap, Michele. It sucks and it sounds like you feel very alone. We can't be there by your side physically but we are there spiritually. You do have friends here who care for you, accept you fully, and wish you peace and harmony. Nice words, but only words. I wish I could offer more. Keep writing, keep up the good fight.

You're not being a bitch as far as I can tell. I wonder why the captain wants it all down in writing. Maybe just to cover his rear? Or maybe also so he can prove to others (and maybe himself) that you have the 3rd-party validation(s)? Yeah, bureaucracy sucks, that's for sure. I get pretty frustrated and impatient about it myself. Be good, keep writing, and most of all, be Michele. Emma

Hey Ren, Yes, we do miss you. And, I'm sorry to hear no one is getting back to you. If anyone does and you wonder what to say when they say No, try this: "What would you do in my situation?" Maybe they will share something useful. Anyway, it does suck to be stuck. What would I do? I don't have no magic. Find a better bar to work at? Seems like an obvious and maybe insulting suggestion. But yeah, $0.50 in tips is even more insulting so ... Glad you made a friend. Friends are what make the world go round. Emma

Hi Michele, It seems to me that it's as if you're the like a rape victim, almost made to feel guilty for going after the rapist when after all you were doing nothing wrong. He did, you didn't. It's as simple as that. And fortunately your South African laws and your commander are supporting you. I agree that it's sad that this man may lose his pension. I'm sorry for him. But I'm not in the least condoning his behavior. That is inexcusable. He made his bed and now he gets to lie in it. But I also understand that all of this puts you into a horrible position. I'm sure your molester (which he is, after all) has friends and supporters who will automatically throw their support his way and perhaps snub you. And in your career that is especially scary let alone potentially career-limiting. I wonder if there is an alternative you can talk to your commander about. Do the have an ombudsman or third-party negotiator who could try to strike some balance? Maybe as you said they have no choice but to prosecute him in court. I find that surprising but maybe it is what it is. Then again, maybe your commander has his own agenda and wants to throw this guy under the bus. Anyway, I'd suggest exploring any alternatives to court. Then again, if it does go to court do they allow you to sue for damages? Perhaps like here in California once the crime has been adjudicated (and he is found guilty) in a court we can then sue in "civil court" for damages. Because I think you would have a case of need to be compensated for your own emotional distress as well as the very real chance that you will need to find an alternate career for your safety as well as long term satisfaction. You're young and it's so unfair that he put this into your life. I'm afraid I gave you more questions than anything else but I hope it helps you. Emma

Hi Michele and Christie, I have a fair amount of animosity toward my mother too. I can't help but wonder where I got the shame I felt when, as a preschooler, I knew that wanting to play with the girls, do girl things like play ballerina, and so forth. I know this: she spanked me for many infractions so I can only assume she tried hard to spank those notions right out of my head. Obviously it didn't work. I'd ask her and my father but both are gone, and I have no siblings, so I can only wonder. But my shame was also reinforced by Ray Blanchard and his cohorts. As I grew up and came across anything to do with transsexualism, transvestism, I ​absorbed it (in secret). I was drawn to information. As I think about it now I don't know why I didn't go to the library. Might not have found anything but who knows. But I must move on, forward. It doesn't do me good to dwell or hold resentments. I've learned so much in the past several years, that we are all normal, lovable, and respectable the way we are. I sometimes mentally trip on that but overall I'm coming to accept myself. I hope everyone who reads this is too. BTW, a side effect of these feelings - that I believe many trans people share - is a tendency to overthink. We try to control ourselves, how people interact with us, and are often compelled to wonder "what might have been." Speaking for myself I think this arose from the shame of who I really was. Like living a lie that I had to constantly protect against others' awareness. As we share ourselves and are vulnerable, shame dwindles into nothingness. It's largely self-imposed, after all, and once its reason for existence is removed, we have the freedom and inner power to be ourselves, to be rightfully proud of ourselves. Hugs, Emma

Go Ireland! Go Jay! Good to hear from you. I'm sure it's exasperating to have to jump through all these hoops. Thank goodness that you're making the progress that you are. I hope you'll continue to let us know how you're doing. And, who won the football game? :-) Emma

Oh Michele, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are such a nice and caring person, and professional peace officer. And such a dear friend to Mthetho. May he rest in peace. Warm hugs, Emma

"... it's never okay to cheat..." 100% agree. Never cheating has always been a mainstay with my wife and me, and I've assured her (truthfully) that I never have, either with her, my ex-wife, or long ago girlfriends. We need to reassure each other on things like this because of our histories. What your father did was inexcusable. I wonder where he got the idea that his behavior was okay? Maybe from others in his family or friends/associates. I feel fortunate that I didn't have such role models for that, or misogyny, or violence. Lots of other crap to be sure but none of those. I think it's terrific you're doing what you need to do. It's your father's responsibility to take ownership of his actions, or not. You can't control him. But it's perfectly okay to put him on notice. Hugs, Emma

I agree with Michael, threats of rape and violence are nothing to ignore. I wasn't aware that you're a police officer and I'm sure you're well trained. But they are too of course. My first instinct is to suggest that you get the heck out of there and get a new job. Of course that's easier said than done. Regardless I suggest keeping the line of communication open with your friend. Maybe through that he will also become more of an ally and will help you more, maybe even talk to the others for you. Please take care of yourself, watch your back, be prepared. It's a crappy way to have to work while you're also tasked with such responsibilities to deal with the public and criminals. Emma P.S. I wonder if your police department has you wear those body cameras to record whatever happens while you're on patrol. If not, why not get one and wear it anyway? By doing that your colleagues will know that you're recording whatever happens to you and who does what.

Dear Jay, Each time I read a blog post that doesn't have those stars at the rop already colored in I wonder, should I do it? We always click on them so I feel kind of odd about it. But for your post just now, it is obvious that it's a 5-star. No need to apologize of course about being away. It's great to hear from you though. I'm sorry about the screwy GIC. I wonder why they run it that way. It can't be to save money can it? Maybe they think that be delaying people will decide they don't need the service. Stupid, I agree. I think it's great that you've reached out for private care. I know their questionnaire was frustrating and insulting but you gotta play the game because unlike GIC at least they seem to want to play with you, and you know what you need. Stay in touch if you can, and if not, no guilt my friend. Warm hugs, Emma

Lovely, Monica, thank you. But, were you writing about you? Emma

Yes, please be sure to get anything and everything in writing before you take actions that may be irreversible. But good on you, Ren, for your steadfast follow up. That's what it takes to get through the beaucratic crap. It's a royal hassle but it's worth it. I agree with Christie, too, get your hands on the actual law(s) and make yourself an expert. No one cares as much as you do, and it's possible you'll find language in there that will help you.

Hi Lisa, It's very nice to hear from you although I wish it was under better circumstances. That is so surprising that he'd just up and leave you like that, no explanation, no talk, just go. But good for you how you are handling it so well. Crying helps and is good for you. We all feel it when we are vulnerable and then rejected. And it hurts so much that sometimes it feels like it would be better to just seal ourselves off, protect ourselves. I think that is part of grieving and that's okay too for a while. I have a friend who is a folk singer, she says that at these times we need a cup of tea and a nap. That helps me sometimes although it's not perfect. Regardless we are always here for you. Warm hugs, Emma

So nice to hear things are going well for both of you. I'm fine, my wife's fine, together we're fine. Can't ask for much more than that. Well... we could ask for a smaller number of little insect jerks. I'm down for that! 😄

Hey Warren, I agree, your insurance has you stuck in a Catch-22. Here's a couple of ideas: 1. Does your state have an insurance department or commissioner? Here in California we can file complaints with them. If you find them, call 'em up, tell your story, and ask for their suggestions of what to do. 2. Now that you have the firm "no" from your insurance, call your doctor, surgeon, and the like to ask "what would you do if you were in my situation?" They deal with this bureaucracy every day and may have an idea. 3. You might consider creating and posting some sort of YouTube video. I remember a few years ago a guy posted a great vid "United Hates Guitars" that went viral and yes, he got lots of support. Check out his vid and see if you can mimic it in some way. Here's the link: http://youtu.be/5YGc4zOqozo Your vid might be titled "Anthem Hates Trans". 4. Or, you might write a short speech and set up a stage that looks like a TED Talk... call it a REN Talk. People will make the connection and that might help get traction. But try hard to have a similar tone to what they do on TED. Be firm yet respectful. You want all people who see it to understand your plight and want you to succeed. In fact you might even close with a "What would you do?" which I seem to recall is used by some TV show like 20/20 or something. Thats all I can think of for now... Emma

Sounds good to me, a flag for Planet Earth. Imagine.

Dear Ben, Good to hear from you as always. You are enough - you are more than enough. You're terrific. I agree that sometimes it's hard to say that life gets better. It's kind of scary as if tempting fate to smack us back down for the hubris of uttering such a thing. I think life does get better, though, and we emerge stronger and happier. Hugs, Emma

@Monica: I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed The Well of Loneliness. I'm looking forward to reading it myself! @Bree: I'm sorry to hear about your narcolepsy. I can't imagine how tough it must be to have that to deal with, but I'm wishing you the best in finding a medication that helps you with it. Indeed, about retirement and keeping busy: that's a concern of my wife's. I've also heard about this and I promise that I will try. I think a key is to stay engaged with others and feeling some level of productivity, of being challenged, and getting things accomplished. That's relatively easy at a job because we have to, and harder when we're home alone. It takes a level of personal commitment, I think. I'm sure it will take a change in mindset, and I'm a little intimidated! Take care, Emma