Michele800226

Hi there Monica, Stephanie, and Emma

Funny enough, my breast size is somewhere in between my sisters sizes.  Bigger then my oldest that has my body structure (not height but size wise in comparison to height), and smaller then my sister slightly older (the frumpier one).  Hey, they two fatties at birth are the two skinnies in adult.  The relative skinnies at birth are the fat children now, how I love not being their sizes, because my brother is slightly taller then me and around 50% heavier.  Wouldn't look right on me.

But then again I'm in my stronger phases of saying.  Sexy, super sexy model looks.

Have a wonderful and awe inspiring day ladies.  As nothing compares to who you were as a dead shell and now.

Hugs

Michele

Hi there Warren

I know this is more then a year later.  But hey the promotion is an upside.

The feeling of dissociation and lack of sensation is the thing that worries me too.  Don't feel so glum, my medical aid as we call it in South Africa, also doesn't cover my surgeries.  They only covered one when it was linked to cancer.  The fools, dont they know even with healthy parts they still feel like growths that should be removed.

I do hope that in this 16 months it took me to respond that you were relieved and can feel your manly chest and see how the pecks firm up as you lift the weight and you show off your muscles.  Because not even I would want my boobs to suffocate me, they fine being small A cups, I can run, do speed bumps fast and fight with relatively ease, as they perfectly sized for being a police officer.  And yes, if they were bigger, my bulletproof would be so much more uncomfortable.

But this isn't about me.  Your vocabulary says male, your ID does too.  You definitely male, and therefore sir, why be so glum.  The other nuances of you shout male, just hope the last sections are or have fallen into place for you to feel complete.

Like an older sister would say, okay I'm unique.  Lets go spar and hit the crap out of the feelings you are feeling.  And in the ring say, bro git slightly softer, girl here.  Wait and check my level of fighting and counter, not just try and knock me out cold as if I was nothing to start with.   But then again, I would also be throwing punches and kicks to either throw you off balance or knock you out cold.

Be safe man.  Don't think you don't have people in your corner.  We are here for you, even if we can only listen to you venting your frustrations.

Hugs

Michele

Hi Monica

Thank you for the compliment.  If only my twin could've survived this ordeal.  But hey, there can only be one.  And sister dearest is the victor.

Hugs

Michele

Hi Karen

That's good to hear.

The total opposite at the station I work, almost everyone knows, but won't dare to take me on, because they know my B complex is harsh.

Where each time a new person came and I had to prove myself because of their misconception that I was gay (nothing wrong with that, but I'm female through and through and hetero by that).  Now that they perceive me as female, they more protective of more overall, but to another degree feel scared I might vanquish them with my abilities, which if I let it shine through they say I'm an Asian chick with deadly moves.

So currently looking at either applying to another post, as a promotion to another station and cluster.  Or what we call a lateral or cross transfer, because closing in on my 13th year anniversary at this station seems ridiculous out of an almost 14 year service in the police.

I sometimes miss being capable of blending into the background without a trace.  Now, I'm still petite, but noticed where I move without any difficulty.

Sp glad, you have found a workspace of peace.

Hugs

Michele

Coming out is hard, but then I never hid my plans of transitioning to anyone.

Met a friend after being absent from each others lives for basically a decade.  When she saw me she said, "You finally did what you told us as a teenager when I met you, good on you for grabbing life by the balls.  It must've been difficult seeing that you in the police and the environment isn't the safest to do so."  We started chatting again, and the decade of absence in our 24 years of knowing each other hasn't changed.  I found one of my rocks returning and supporting me all over again.  Just as she got the support from a friend she needed.

If the people in your life views you as important to them, they will support your decision full heartedly, and actually ask you why you never started earlier or had the courage to ask them for help when you were at your most confused and vulnerable.

Be strong, my mom, one brother and sister still can't manage to get the pronouns right, but I know if push comes to shove, they'll be in my corner.  Even if I sometimes have to emotionally blackmail them.

Hugs

Michele

This twin of mine died so I could live and was last seen 2008/9.  You decide, that look like me a decade younger or not.  The first and last I'll ever compare tit with tat.

Hugs

Michele

I wasn't using bad as in the literal meaning bad.  Was using it to show the contrast of what people think is bad and actually that their exterior can show off some kind of light that shines from the inside.

External beauty is nothing, if the interior doesn't match that.

Thanks.

Michele

Ps Steph, I legally also had my name spelling changed from mother's version of Michel Jerrard Heynes to more appropriately Michele Jerree Heynes, and I only use my names on legal documents, but my signature is so simple and messed up that you can't figure out what I scribbled.  Yes, I kept my names or at least the meanings of my names, because they resonate with me.  And because the ambiguous Michel left people calling me Michael or Mitchell most of the times when calling me, and so infuriating me and abusing my names pronunciation of Michelle, also felt the double L is way to commonly used and still wanted a dash of uniqueness or rarity with my name.

Congrats Elsa

This is usually the point of must return, or well you end up in the oblivion that you and none of us could exist, just be a mere spec in the world that needs to be lived.

Once you've got control of the psyche that wants to claim control and drag you down into that dark abis where not even light sheds any clear path to a return.  Now keep growing the light, as the confidence in who you are will grow.

Hugs

Michele

Morning Emma and Monica

It is lighter since my Testosterone levels are basically on zero, mine isnt just on one side.  It tales the sight out of both eyes when it reaches it peak, and lucky it always happen at a place I know, so I can move around in that specific place and find my quiet dark place and lay myself down.

Doing better and almost back at work, and but so not looking forward to going to work next week.

Love and respect

Michele

Hi there Emma and Monica

I'm definitely not just looks, but I'm more brains.  Luckily not the nerd, just smart enough to make a nerd wonder if I'm one of them or not.

I would definitely recommend that for surgery you get enough sanitary pads for a month in advance, as you likely not to be moving around that much in that timeframe.  After the second week are supposed to have control of your pain, bit if you are super sensitive to pain it might last longer.

In the last 3 weeks I gained 2 pounds, but from my normal 145Lbs I moved down to 140Lbs.

Discussed the weight loss with my endocrinologist yesterday at my visit to her after she wanted to see me directly after the operation, so had an appointment date for 3 weeks afterwards.  She was dumbstruck that I started eating less, and I wrote it down to losing Testosterone.  Afterwards she said, has to be, because a guy normally eats more then females and burns more calories so that can explain why I'm sticking to a healthy body weight with half the amount of food I normally consumed.  Another thing that was good was that my Testosterone levels have dropped to almost zero after the operation.

What she didn't expect me to do was drop the meds levels on my own.  I informed her that I dropped it by a third and then took only a quarter of the other next level, and I gave my body a week chance to adjust to the new levels before starting on no Testosterone blocker for basically a week before taking the blood test, that should show if there is any form of Testosterone levels left in my body.  We both happy with the levels.  And in doing so, dropped the dose of my estrogen as well to a lowish level where I feel comfortable with the levels in my body.  She commended me for thinking of the changes in a medical method, as not to shock my body from the start and suffering withdrawal symptoms.

She finally gave me a new letter for the gender maker changes as per section 49 of 2003 Alteration of Sex Description and Sex Status Act.  Yes South Africa has a whole act with a big mouth full to describe the act.  So another letter and I'm set to go for the changes, after more then 5 years on HRT.

Thanks with the congratulations as well ladies.  And I'm certain to look after myself.

Loving Hugs

Michele.

PS.  Super excited that I can finally have my ID and drivers finally be changed to the female I represent.

Sometimes I wonder if facing the bull head on is smart, but then I remember Chuck Norris spin kicked the bull unconscious, so who am I to fear that bull if a man can beat him, this lady can also do it.

Doesn't mean I dont fear the results till I read them.  But as soon as they read, give me a day or a week to mope about it if its bad news, and I will tackle it head on, as I dont know how to go down without a fight.

Michele

Hi there Emma

Tolerance isnt the right word to be used.  But with tolerance someone can learn more, unless they close minded and doesn't want anything to do with what they say they are tolerant about.  Give your friend some time to mull it over, as he might not have realized that it's because you value your friendship that you told him.

Everyone can't be like one of my nappy staged friends, that I haven't seen for a few years and starts talking to me telling me I look good and when are we hanging out like we used to.  In my case I thought separation of years would make him just turn a cold shoulder.  He reminded me, that with each interactive roleplay we did as children, I always took the role of the female characters and nothing is wrong, I'm just older and prettier and finally accepted myself.

Wouldn't we liked everyone to be that way, but reality is...  There will always be those that think its a choice and not a biological programming before birth, and not fulfilling the programming leads to our downfall.

Love Michele

XXXXX

If I had to fear the world, what kind of example would I be.

Hugs and kisses

Michele

Kitrah, you definitely aren't alone in the similarities we all have, but this title I won't renounce because the surgery is done, when it is done.  It just makes me the person I am and I also know it feels like I sometimes have it easier with newer people that I meet.  But I have gone so far as to put on a bio of myself which I will explain in my next post.  Because I have nothing to hide.

Emma, as always it is good reading your comments and inspiration that you shine through...

Love and Hugs

Michele

Emma you wouldn't believe this, my grandmother and grandfather from my mom's side takes the cake.  The age gap was 26 years, with my grandfather being the oldest.  Funny thing is you outlived all his wives and she was his last wife.  He passed away when my mom was 18 years old and she passed away when my mom was about 2 years old.  So yes age really is nothing but a number in my family.  The oldest sister takes 2nd place, with her husband whom was 24 years older then her, and 3 years older then my mom.  Then my parents take 3rd position, 17 years age difference with my dad being the older one.  So normally it is the men in my family that is the older party, and I would be setting a record on the female side.  My oldest brother though was 10 years older then his wife, and he passed away a few weeks after my passing out of police college.

Emma and Karen, thanks for the wishes, but we still waiting on the notification that we can wear our ranks, even though they backdating it to last year when we officially had the qualifications.

On being an inspiration, I'm just living my life according to what I need to and how I see it fit for anyone to live their lives.  Confirmed after this that this young guy was screwing around and gave the option of stopping as the person he is screwing on the sidelines isn't one of my favorite people, therefore broke it off.  Weirdest part is, his friends are actually sticking up for me and saying that he should've known not to play with a good thing.  So broke it off without shedding a tear, as tears would be to much of a hassle for me to waste on a person that is a cheater.

So hope this doesn't deter anyone from dating, not all men are cheaters and can't be brushed with the same brush.  We actually have good guys out there that doesn't mind our differences, because it's not the differences that makes us, but the soul of the person that determines if we are worth loving or not.  I just got played and remembered at the same time, that I'm still in the controllers seat and I have the choice to allow it to continue or to put a stop to it.

Love Michele

Xoxo

Heya Nicky.

Hope the processing went well after the coming out.  Stay strong, the loving ones whom views you as important to them will stick around.

Hugs

Michele

Hi there

So Monday I'm doing my hair professionally.  What??? Doesn't mean I can't look better then usual for surgery.  Might just meet my dream man.  I'm super calm, he has gained some of my trust.

Cheers

And no I'm not drinking.

Michele

Hi there Steph

No my mom is visiting.

I worked in an oncology ward when I was a nurse.  Operative word was.  I also have cancer in my family, and would prefer the worst part of work to be over before finding out that chemo is the next step.  That is the part freaking me out.  My luscious locks will be effected and I definitely will be crying once the diagnoses starts.  Not my first cancer scare, and the part where death becomes me, isnt the scary part.  Made peace with that millennia ago.  Okay, here my vanity comes in, even though I don't view myself as super model hot, I don't think I'm unsightly ugly just naturally more to the proportional side of average to beautiful, make that cuteish.

The thing that will surprise most people are:

1.  I've alwys been the caretaker when someone fell ill

2. Even when I fell ill, no one was supposed or still are suppose to touch me, as I will and can take care of myself

3.  I'm not the best person to treat at home, because I'll make myself comfortable and expect worying eyes to just buzz off.

4.  If I need help I will give specific instructions just for that instance.

So I know people mean good when assisting me, but it irritates me more the you could imagine.

Tha​nks for the well wishes, will work it out in time when where and how I'll be immobile.

Hugs

Michele

Hi Lisa

I love the way you tackling the world.  Sounds like I can take some hints from you when I need to get some fuel to continue.

Stay strong ma'am, your supporters are routing for you.

Hugs

Michele

Only 2.

Hi Ace

Throw me an inbox or email and I'll answer as promptly as possible.

Hugs

Michele

 Hi there Steph and Emma

Let me do this one person at a time.

Steph you know where I've been working for close to 12 years and  I've also developed a potty mouth.  Never used it for potty training as it never needed it until about 10 years ago.  And will do!

Emma, its not just me having issues with him now, but almost everyone at work.  So throwing him under the bus is easy, throwing him at a pack of hungry wolves without anything to protect him is a better option.  But my humanity and all the struggles including being a rape survivor makes me think twice about doing it.  Because not everyone is as resilient as me to bounce back.  But then again, enough is enough of this man tormenting others.  An example should probably be made of him, but if I do it, he will have an ugly stain on his name that will never be cleared again.  So yes not only you have answers with more questions, I'm also in the same boat.

So for me to begin a fight, I must be certain that the outcome he is facing is the only way forward.  And then the recurring question in my mind is, will this change him for the better or is this just false hope we clinging too.

Cheers for now

Michele

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi there Ace

Welcome here.

Sometimes it seems like we bite, but actually not so much.  The ladies are knowledgeable in fields that you wouldn't expect.

Might not know the first thing about how a man acts or reacts to the world, but if I can give you the confidence I show I work, then you'll be in the world cup.  Not cocky confidence, just confidence to know what you want and need to get to your end result.  But sometimes I realize that the guys around me needs to feel in control, but some of them actually do scare me and in those instances I do show a lack of confidence for them to feel good about themselves.  But step on too many toes and up goes confidence,

We love to laugh, but some days you will see that even if you have all the answers, crying is the only option to continue.

Find the friends in all arenas and learn to vent.  You are male after all, so gym and weight training might work for you.

Cheers, will check out some of your pictures now.

Michele

Hi Ace

It's not that you aren't strong as yet.  You just haven't tapped into your inner strength that allows you to confront the world or more specifically the family.  And I know it is easier to confront a mob attacking and killing an innocent or even a piece of crap that really did what they accusing him of.  But justice needs to run it's course.  And yes facing that kind of danger are a million times easier then facing the family that will put you in that spotlight, showing up all you did in the past and flinging their uncertainty in your face as your own.

Stay strong.  I will listen for shout out, where help is needed.  I can be there for you to talk.

Okay this is actually an open invitation to anyone who needs the talk from an old enough person to be considered a cougar in certain stages.

Here's my email, and after me scrutinizing you, I might give my number which is easier to contact me on, but not always on me, as I check my messages a few times a day.

michelejheynes@gmail.com

Feel free to chat, as I might just be the force of nature that was required for you to spark and blossom into the person you needed to show the world.

Cheers.  Lots of hugs and kisses

Michele

Ps.  Why isn't the shortcut for email sending on here.  I get caught out a lot, because I love my shortcuts.

Hi Steph and V

I liked the so and so, actually know what that means, so enjoyed someone with a sense of humor like mine.

Can't I rather have petrol bomb control, it's the easiest bombs to make.  I also don't know why people are so scared of a petrol bomb that isn't ignited.

Fear I don't have for this guy, neither respect anymore.  He stepped onto grounds to disrespect what he refuses to understand, and if had any inclination of actually wanting to learn, he would have asked in the right way.

But that is also why I didn't tell my support head commander, because I knew she would attack like a mother with her child being attacked, and then someone told her.  Ooooooh crap, Monday I will hear something that I don't want to hear.  But I'm positive and if he pushes, I know how to withstand the push and make him fall on his own.

Love, hugs, kisses

Michele

Hi V

Funny part is, him asking me and stating it was for the new station commander was ridiculous in itself, as my voice is more feminine then hers.  I'm just flabbergasted by the fact that it took him this long to build up enough courage to face me.  He normally doesn't have any problem with confrontation.

Oh yes!!!  How dumb could I be???  He never dealt with any gender issues especially pertaining to transgender or intersexed persons.  So he needed an excuse to attempt at getting my feathers ruffled or in a tail spin while in flight.

Unfortunately when I mentioned that the acts in the police have been corrected to correlate with the constitution and other laws on a national level, he was thrown in a tail spin diving towards the ground and now he need to find a way out of it before he crashes and burns.

Actually before I joined te police, I wanted to be a serious and violent crimes investigator.  Something about solving murder (homicide), bank robbery or anything involving an armed robbery has appealed to me, because it means me taking out a threat to the world and society.  Even cold cases intrigues me, something about being unsolved makes me want to catch the culprit all that more.

Ladies, gents and nonconforming personS, be safe and look out for each other especially if you know your friends aren't as string as you, because you never know when they will come to your rescue because you used all your strength.

Big hugs and kisses

Michele