Briannah

IT hasn't been like this...since um...the first year I was married maybe? I stopped fighting with my skin and just didn't really care. Nikki didn't care. But now it's a thing again, because I noticed that people see what they expect to see, and two girls going out for a calzone (OMG I LOVE CALZONES! and they are SO hard to find in my area for some reason) blend better if they are dressed and made up similarly. Like i reinforce the image of him. I know when I went out with actual girls people would stare at our group a lot because I was visually out of place. And while my female friends can deal, I don't want to put that strain on Nikki til he's more comfortable out. And there is a level of fun letting him do me up (and more practice for him is good). So today is girl day, as we agreed on. A little sad to be locked in doors, it's GORGEOUS outside, but Nikki's needs come first, and spring is coming. Right? RIGHT???? OHIO??? The weather is perking me up, I only lost an hour and a half to silly news and wedding fails today. Soon Nikki will be putting up THE POOL! *squirms in turtle excitement* I wish it was Friday, Friday I will be eating a tasty calzone. All I have calories left for dinner tonight is soup. But I'll still come in a bit under my daily allotment, and as ever I didn't include the exercise I did, and I did put in a short walk. Which I probably would have enjoyed more if my dang throat would clear up. Seriously, all the flu symptoms are gone except a persistant but really FAINTLY sore throat, and the roof of my mouth and throat are really white but not like strep, and my throat has this horrible dry itching that results in insane coughing. I would go back to my doctor but all the ice cream I ate to numb my throat packed six pounds back on, and I don't want her to know that. Trying to be good! And lost that six pounds super fast to go in. I know, it's dumb, but my dismorphia has been poked a lot and I need a small break.

Well, you didn't cancel the idea in a panic like I was kinda expecting, so that's a plus. So makeup artist you're going to be ready to go when I get home and do me really fast? And then I"ll do both our hair, yes? Experimenting with your hair is a lot of fun, you have so much more of it than I do. I think getting our hair done together will be fun too. I will wear this for you, but I will never be any good at it. Even as a beginner you are more skilled at it than I am due to your artist history. I can't even draw a believable stick figure, remember? Let alone strait and even eyeliner. Gyah. This is one of the places C was always threatening my girl card on. LOL I'm much better with hair. We're going to have a negotiation about my eyes, or you're going to be recreating the roll of my stepmom chasing me around the room with an eyeliner pencil looking like something from Scooby Doo. And they always cut it a BIT shorter than you say, because it grows out really fast and the style holds longer. SO take a deep breath after okay? And if you get more into the rhythm of taking care of it, you might find what I did, it is healthier, looks better, and you have control when you're in the salon. They're there to try to please you! Trust me when I tell you most girls hate scraggly ends! Thank you for not turning it back on me, I've seen that a lot on threads and videos "I was scared, why can't you understand and are being selfish?" like I wasn't scared because I didn't understand why my marriage was dying and you spent four years checked out of it basically(honestly thought you were replacing me with some other girl), I really am trying to manage the 'angry' and let it go. It really helps that you get that it's not about what you need but what all the secrecy did to the marriage and shutting me out did to me. I'm lucky that while communication may not be your go to like it is mine, you ARE very empathetic and actually care about me. Yes, I'm horribly nervous about the therapy, but I knew we are forming our understanding of where we're at blindly on our own, and neither of us are experts. It will be what it will be, and we'll make our choices as we go as best we can. But more, I'm worried for you if you choose to try the hypnotherapy option to reclaim the memories. I have no idea if you'll be better served letting it go or facing it, and if the best route for you personally is facing it, I'm scared of how much hurt that will bring you. I have a box like that, and I know what it feels like to poke at it. If I could I would erase your box and make it just go away. I'm really happy you're working on actually being you, and I'm not talking how you dress. Telling me whatever I want and then getting mad at me for doing that is an awful situation for me. I'm always afraid I sound naggy or harpyish when I'm talking about these things with you, but it matters. I hope I don't sound bad, I just want a better barometer of what things mean when you say them. I'm really confused by a lot of your go to communication choices. I'm thinking down the road when we've mastered the financial mess, we should consider dance lessons. Cuz we're awful. And you want to go to places where they do that thing. LOL I need education to do more than step from side to side to slow music.

Seriously, I lost gobs of time to Youtube. It always starts out innocently. I want to hear a certain song. Watch some tutorial videos so I know what Nikki wants me to buy. In the mood for a laugh so look up news blooper videos (OMG nothing is funnier than news going wrong!). The try guys people I like watching trying new things for the first time. And then...it's there. The bane of my existence. That bar on the right with other videos linked, ones that tempt me into clicking, and the next thing I know I"m light years away from my original topic, and have just spent 2 to 3 hours on the journey from an eye makeup tutorial to crazy science magic tricks, from John Oliver into weird video game easter eggs, from news bloopers into strange porn things I had never heard of before. It's crazy how many things are out there in the world.

It really does. The people on this site all have amazing voice and perspectives. I've been working on that heirloom guilt for years. Was raised with being constantly told I"m a bad person every time I failed to be like the rest of the family. I lack religion, fail to believe in automatic elder respect vs. elders whose personality and choices earned it and the young whove earned it for the same reasons also deserve it, I don't think anyone should be invisible regardless of gender, race, sexuality, appearance, etc., and kept a stubborn hold on my world views instead of allowing my family to replace them. Every time, you're a bad person, you have to learn to be a good one. Nope, learned to recognize that I am one as I am. Sometimes in these last few weeks I don't know what to do with all the frustration. But Nikki is being great about it, and he takes the time to demonstrate that he's aware and cares how his choices about this to date affect me, and that helps. So many marriages around me when big secrets were kept (cheating, drugs, money things, etc) when the secrets came out the spouse keeping them was all "I don't care what this did to you, deal with it". I have some rocking marital role models huh? LOL It feels wrong to be married for this long and needing to start over, but at the same time, I have the chance to do it, versus the ones where the problems were so awful the marriage is dead the minute they come out. Like the girl I knew how found out her husband, her completely normal and sweet husband in the marriage, was a serial rapist. Or the one who found out his wife had carried on a 20 year affair with his brother. I'm really lucky, my marriage didn't just disintegrate like that. And today it's WARM OUTSIDE! *bounces around madly* I swear I turn about six years old in spring.

I don't feel shiny today, just kinda stressed and confused but trying hard to work it all out. So...after trying to sort out some mixed signals from Nikki, I decided it was time to be Bree and came up with a plan. Nikki talks about going out A LOT more than he realizes. But when I asked him about it, he's like one to two years down the road. Okay. But then he talks about it again with all the signals of I want to be doing this. Nikki and Bree have a dynamic here, and that is Nikki is afraid to do things, and wants me to pick up on them and make it happen. So....I asked him if that dynamic was in play here. He nodded, and I said okay, Friday he doesn't work, he can spend the time I"M at work putting on the makeup we got him and getting dressed. Then I'll come home and get him, and we're going to go to a small restaurant we both like in a nearby college town. Highly unlikely he'll run into anyone he knows there like going out in here. And he got really excited by the idea. I expect tomorrow he'll change his mind, and then Wednesday change it back, and flip flop, so I have no idea if it will actually happen, but right now my plan is to take him out of this house into public and have a nice lunch, do all the talking so he can hide his voice, and have a nice afternoon. But he's so hard to read, he talks about a lot of things like he wants to do them and genuinely doesn't really, he's just fantasizing outloud. I realized how many of my barometers in this relationship are broken today. So working on re-calibrating them. And this led into more discussion about whatever i want vs "I want to..." or "I don't want to".. or "I have no opinion on this Bree" if he genuinely doesn't. The more we're examining how to be a healthier couple, the more I look inward, and realize I HATE having the entire responsibility of the relationship lobbed at me all the time. I can't meet someone's needs if they won't tell me what the needs are. I do inherently have a somewhat aggressive, dominant personality that Nikki loves, I know that. But I want to be a partner, not a....a caretaker. Aggressive dominance in me does not manifest into my way or the highway, it more manifests in that I want to be moving emotionally forward at all times and make thing happens because we only live once and I've used up half my time. Gotta use the rest to the max! I think he doesn't understand that part of me. I think he doesn't understand a lot of parts of me, because he couldn't have these conversations with me without straying close to having to lie to me actively on why he does/feels things or having me come uncomfortably close to the secret before I knew. I'm confused and distressed because I realize I didn't really know him, nothing I ever interpreted from his actions and words had the full picture. And now I'm starting to see that all the secrets closed me off from him even though I was holding the door open. We have a lot of learning to do. But at least we're moving, and moving in the right direction. I still struggle with stupid things. "It's not fair!" crosses my mind a lot, when I realize that I"m literally starting a marriage over after 17 freakin' years. But I remind myself fair went out the window, and has no place in sorting all this out. There is no fair here about how we got here, we are here. There is only what is, and what we can do to improve it. And I'm slowly letting go of the 'it's not fair'. The anger about the lies is dwindling, and I'm relearning to trust he's honest with me now. I had major trust issues when we met, believe me when I say a 17 year lie rocked my world to it's foundations and was a severe emotional trauma for me. But Dr. Hollandt told me the one that saved my life during all the bad times I went through was that I'm extremely adaptive and quick to process. That is working in mine and Nikki's favor now. Sometimes I get tripped up by my emotions, they are still in there, just slowly packing away the negative ones after processing them so its' healthy and not bottling them, and actively reinforcing my healthy emotions so they are growing and working for me. Life is a process. I keep forgetting this is only week 7 since it all went down, and I start to feel angry and frustrated at myself why I still obsess over this thing or feel angry at that, and I sit down and look at the calendar and go "Oh yeah, it hasn't been that long, I'm actually doing GREAT and adapted really fast, this is okay". I've hit the point where I don't feel guilty anymore for my feelings. That is a huge step, was raised on guilt from both sides of my family. Grandpa, you prepared me well by teaching me to adapt and deal with what is. If there is an afterlife, I hope you see that I'm using all the lessons you gave me to the fullest and doing my best in a hard situation. I was graceful, listening, and learning. I focused on what I can do to help the person in my life who is hurting, and making new friends along the way. And I really wish you were here to talk to these days, but I've wished that every day since, both the good and the bad days. I think I'll want my grandfather back for the rest of my life, or Alzheimers. Whichever comes first. I really had a freakout on my wedding day because he wasn't there. Which resulted in an absolutely horrifying and involuntary laughing fit I couldn't stop until the mayor calmed me down enough to get married. Sometimes I'm really frustrated trying to explain things to Nikki. And I think useless things like "If you were a girl like me, you would understand!" Which is totally unfair, and I'm trying to pack that away. I have as much gender norm expectation as everyone else. And it's hard to understand Nikki telling me he feels like a girl right now, then not getting it or acting like it in ways I recognize as female. Most of his behavior and emotional talk tracks so male to me I have to remind myself genderfluid, genderfluid, genderfluid. And that is totally in me, not him. I expect certain things from someone who tells me they are a girl. Trying to learn to not do that and I'm trying to learn the language to frame my thoughts better and try to get it across. I didn't realize how much common language I really have with my friends, for all they tease me about taking away my girl card. I don't care about girl interests so much, but I DO think and speak like one. And I'm back to 'trying', although I still don't know what I'm 'trying' to do. But I got makeup again too, nair for my legs, and am actively trying to present in a better way. I never really understood what people meant when they said i"m not even 'trying' because I didn't do these things, but I am putting in an effort to share things with Nikki and do them together. And maybe I was worsening the dysmorphia by not doing them, I don't know. I'm going to see if making an actual effort to change the appearance works on the inside. Sometimes it does. And if Nikki doesn't hurry up and shower faster so that I can heat the soup and we can eat something I might start eating my desk. So hungry.

Super excited about the weather, and had a long talk with the girl who runs our summer retreat of friends, and she is fiercely pro-Nikki and told me (unsolicited, I was just answering her questions why I'd gone weird the last six months and then so busy I couldn't talk to anyone because I was in deep talks with Nikki about everything) "I'm completely comfortable with him bringing his femme clothes and anyone who isn't comfortable here can go the fuck home because this is our safe space". I love her so much. I relayed that to Nikki, and it was just so huge for him. He was asleep during my catch up call, but they are going to try to catch each other during the week and talk, they are as deep friends as she and I are. But she's a nightowl and we thanks to Nikki's job are stupidly early risers. Him way more than me. I fess up, I snore at him while he's getting up and ready for work, bad Bree. LOL SO now he's considering taking the plunge, trusting our close inner circle, and spending a day en femme at the retreat. GO NIKKI! He asked how I feel and I was all I don't care what you wear as long as it includes a bathing suit to swim with me. There is a rule at the retreat no one swims alone for safety, and while I do it at home all the time, I completely respect the hostesses need to feel safe that we're not drowning. So my insomnia is kinda going dormant and I can sleep again. The stress levels of the past nine or so months were crazy, and went absolutely nuts the first week I found out about Nikki's secret, but all the subsequent talking and working things out and the exit plan to my lung cancer-inducing job have made things so much better. I had no idea how twisted up I'd gotten until we started working things out. Knowing what is going on with Nikki and embracing it has made Nikki 'check back in' to the marriage. The last four years he'd been really checked out emotionally and timewise, and I was really unhappy with that and trying to connect but he was unable to tell me what was wrong and engage with me. Now that he's back as my spouse in the fullest sense of the word, things are getting back on track beautifully. There is no need to shut down conversations getting to close to his secret anymore, and the openness fosters a deep closeness between us that works both ways, he's been as supportive of me and trying to deal with my issues now as I am of him. Life is getting better everyday. And the weather is going up again! I hope this summer is hot and normal, like the winter was pretty much back in normal ranges after two brutal years of excessive cold (our normal is in the 20s, it was ranging from -10 to -45 at the worst the last two yeas). The last two summers were rather cool, which is great for those without ac (like us in the house) but sad for those with pools who want to swim. The first year I got the pool sucked so bad, they changed Nikki's hours shortly before we got it and I was on first and he was on seconds and everyone had to swim alone except for weekends. Then last year I missed like six weeks of swimmable season due to the surgery. This year we are going to swim and swim together dangit. *shakes her paw at the sky*

My best to you, barely made it through my kid's teen years and I had the bonding experience of the cute baby years to remind me not to kill random passerbys out of sheer frustration. It's a wonderful thing your doing though, helping a kid in need and doing your best. *hugs*

I'm glad you had a great time, and that all the voice work you did paid off!

*hugs* I can't really offer any advice, only you can decide what is truly best for you, but I'm so sorry life has been that hard for you, and I can offer friendship, thoughts, hugs, and support. Have you had the conversations with your wife? If so, how did they go? Nikki hid all this from me for 17 years of marriage, and while there was a shock and give me a period to sort out my feelings of a few days when I stumbled into it, I really surprised him and started learning and talking it out with him. It's why I came here, I was looking for an environment to learn what it all means and how to better meet his needs. Is it possible your wife would benefit? Or do you need her not to be here for your peace of mind? I won't pretend I am on board with every potential end result, I was really honest with Nikki that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, or herself if his gender fluidity changes, but I can't follow into hrt/surgery territory because I don't function that way emotionally or sexually. It's not an ultimatum, and I'll always be part of his life, I'd never want to never see him or her again, but reality sucks sometimes and I can no more 'cure' my sexual and romantic orientations than Nikki can 'cure' who he is inside (and since we don't know each other yet I'd like to state for the record I use the male pronouns for Nikki because he indicated I do so at this point to me), but we are doing the research and making choices together. And I was very clear that he needs to make the best choices for him, even if they aren't what is best for me. Right now transition isn't something he actually wants to persue, and being included in both his self-discovery and the physical realitiies of crossdressing has meant all the world to me even when it was scary sometimes, and our marriage has fully engaged now that there are no secrets. And being able to actually talk to me and ask questions has changed Nikki's understanding of himself, not to please me, but in answering my questions he had to really explore what it all meant to him to explain it to me, and I inadvertently helped him figure out his needs and feelings better. Maybe talking to her honestly and knowing where it all stands will help you make your choices from a place of knowledge vs. fear of loss? Even if it's bad? What I do understand from my position as a cisgender spouse, which limits my personal understanding to the academics, is that this is going to intensify for you as you go. And this is JUST my personal opinion feeling, but understanding that, is it possibly better to face the potential end of the marriage sooner so that you have more time to build the new life that you need, vs. forcing yourself into a crisis point? And only you know your spouse, but perhaps they may surprise you? The emotional intimacy gains are huge, even though I freely admit I fear sometimes for our future. I'm working on that fear. Take all these thoughts with a grain of salt, I'm new at this and only have a limited working knowledge of others react in these situations, and I can only offer thoughts based on my academic learning and personal experiences with Nikki. However this goes for you, I wish you the best possible outcome and a life of joy and laughter.

We haven't been around long enough, and no one else has yet mentioned being in our area, but we would love the opportunity! I'm glad you had a great time!

I'm tired of being cold. I miss my pool. I miss being able to just walk out the door and not worry about balancing what feels like a hundred pounds of clothing with my lungs cold-air reactions and Nikki freaking out that I"ll have an asthma attack. I miss playing D&D outside in the backyard in our lovely screen tent (cuz wow the bugs in this area), sitting at night with Nikki at the backyard fire pit watching the flames and talking quietly about the life, the universe, and everything in the comfy zero g chairs, and the backyard barbecues. I miss the smells of summer, and the colors. I feel whiny tonight. My life is going really well mostly, other than Yuriko. Things are going really well with Nikki, we're slowly getting our house back under control from the chaos that ensued post surgery and long recovery period into the holidays and the flu epidemic, everyone is healthy again, Nikki starts therapy this week, I'm in talks with my doctor about getting a firmer handle on my own health, and we have awesome friends. But I want all that and summer's heat too. Bree was born for summer. Here is the view from my backyard comfy chair on a lovely summer afternoon.

*Hugs* I like you. Thank you for the kindness of this post.

The follow up call came through, there is no hail mary they made a mistake for our poor kitty girl. We talked about options, but chose palliative care to give her as good a quality of life as she has left. They gave her an antibiotic shot since there is some evidence of bronchitis, and put her on prednisone for life. Apparently in animals a steroid will slow the growth of the cancer and extend her time. So yeah. She is in a FABULOUS mood after getting a needle in the rump. *hiding under her desk as she types this, don't let the angry cat find me!*

Thank you. Having support from awesome people like you two really helps. A lot of people don't understand the love of a cat, and how much it hurts. We have a cat like yours, he only wants to interact with me. But the female is Nikki's baby, and they cuddle all the time. We knew she was vulnerable in general, she has epilepsy, pico, and showing signs of feline alzhiemers (that is actaully a thing, I thought Nikki was going slightly odd when he started asking if it was possible but the vet confirmed it). SO the plan now I guess is to to let nature take it's course, and call the vet when she stops having good days and enjoying her life. Right now she's doing great, bullying the other cats and the dog. She's a grand old lady who takes no guff from anyone.

Took Nikki's favorite cat to the vet, her purr has gone weird and she lost a lotta weight, we thought she had a respiratory infection or something. Unfortunately, it's looking like something and not an infection. They are sending her xrays and labs out, but the prevailing thought right now is that our kitty girl has lung cancer. So not happy right now, and desperately hoping for a hail mary your local vet was wrong, it's nothing. I know she's 14, but I'm just not ready.

Oh sorry. The maternal side of my family has always been heavily involved in volunteering and supporting the various local charities and I think it clearly colors my thinking in moments like this.

Thank you for the information! Maybe donate the unused ones to a local support group who could see that they got to a person in need?

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, I know how much that hurts. I'm glad you enjoyed shopping with me, and I'm sorry I'm not better with makeup but happy that I was able to help orient you and find the things we needed from the tutorials! And thank you for letting me play with your hiar, it was great fun, and I hope you enjoy going out with the femme style for the first time to lunch. I'm so hungry. And thank you so much! The best thing in the world is knowing that I'm not letting you down, and am being the wife you deserve to have.

So now that I'm adjusting, there are some real upsides to being married to Nikki (specifically for me, or someone genderfluid in general). I was talking to my freind Kate about all this and explaining why it was unrealistic for me right not to be able to attend her wedding in June adn she should give my spot to someone able to go (her guest list is really tight, and better she able to invite someone who could potentially enjoy it) and I thought I would put these things down here. This is about the upsides for ME with the new things in our life. - He's really learning to talk to me about everything, all his feelings and share his life experience with me. I don't feel like I'm looking in the window from outside anymore, because the secrets are gone and communication and closeness has taken over, and I get more from him than most of my friends are getting from their cisgender spouses, even if it's taking time while he learns to share feelings that don't have language-thoughts ready already in his head. Because he's learning to lean on me for support with his gender feelings, he's learning how to be there to support my feelings much better than he ever did, and he was already rather good at that. - He's really helping me out with my clothing. I look much better in general, so I feel better. He has a much less biased opinion of me than I do. And he doesn't mind my crooked face. Gah, even taking about my face makes me stupid unhappy. Next topic. - Nikki is studying youtube to be the official makeup artist of the house. HIs art skills and innate talent suit him to this far better than anything I can do. And I LOVE the feeling of him taking care of me physically like that. SCORE! And him doing it allows me to disconnect from my face and focus on the joy of touch and care instead of triggering what happened in the above point. - Nikki has awesome hair that I get to play with, and yes, it IS sort of like having that barbie head when I was a child, but getting to experiment and style with Nikki's hair is a LOT of fun. I think I"m going to fill in the houses hairdresser position, although he's going to have to help me with some styles I like but am too awkward to do evenly. He let me do his hair up similar to mine today with my newly re-acquired pony flipper (my absolute favorite hair accessory ever!) and he likes the result. I wonder if he liked me taking care of him phsyically the way I like him working on me? - The intimacy has some really fun perks. But more importantly, doors have opened that one or both of our disorders closed to experiment with, because the increased emotional closeness makes it feel safe and okay. And I've had fun exploring new things with Nikki. - My skin is loving the lack of hair on his. We've made great strides in that arena, and it's doing wonders for me. Excema is awful. Don't get it. - We're dieting together, which is making it better for both of us. He's also really realistic about the costs of things, and is keeping his spending on things that he will outgrow as he loses weight small. I know he'd ultimately like the breastplate kind of prosthetic, but those are really expensive to keep replacing as his body changes, so he compromised on the ones we have until he stabilizes down the road. - He's going to therapy for his depression, and has stop putting it off. YAY! Happier Nikki is great for me. - He's spending a lot more time with me. I think he was so sublimating the stress and venting it in the cyberworld that there just wasn't much left for me. But now that I"m included, and he's able to dress and vent off his stress that way with me and having me involved, there is a lot of time for me. I'm really grateful for that. - He understands and deals with my freakouts (I get anxiety attacks that this is the calm before the storm and he'll need hrt/surgery and our life will fall apart. I try not to, but I can't seem to control that. It will settle with time, I keep forgetting ti's only been about six weeks since my life changed), and works with me to overcome the brain-sensory input issues that crop up from interacting with him dressed. I will never love them when I have touch them directly, but I have accepted the plasticly feel of the breast forms. But I do much prefer to handle them under a bra or shirt, where they feel real and not creepy plastic. There was a breastplate that advertised textured silicone skin instead, when his weight is more stable I might have to get him that for a christmas gift or something. He's firmly supportive in that I'm not collateral damage or any of the worse terms, and that we're going to stay places like this forum and find a support group that is friendly to us as a marital unit living in the gender fluid world together. I may be cis, but I do embrace his fluidity and am doing my level best to embrace and support it, not just live with it, because it's who Nikki is. There are learning curves, but I'm doing well! Or so Nikki tells me.

Awesome thank you! Because the medication we're both on makes not going to the bathroom completely an unrealistic option here. Clearly there are skills that need to be mastered to have a more successful fun day!

Feeling better, still coughing a big but not like yesterday and there is no gurgling down my windpipe as I breat now. So spent the day with Nikki watching the rest of this anime I stumbled into called K. It's one of those that makes absolutely no sense the first couple episodes, it just throws you into the middle of a conflict, but I liked the characters and wanted to know what was happening to them, and by the end of the anime it had all unraveled into this beautiful and sort of sadly painful story that made perfect sense. Then we started watching youtube videos on makeup and beard coverage, which led me to watch one on tucking to see how that works, and that was an odd concept. I get why people need to do it, but it sorta makes me think of a strange body origami ritual. And logistical issues with having to go to the bathroom sprang up in my head. The struggle is real. Nikki is now unsure what bathroom to use and as we're talking about a whole day out doing fun stuff, not going at all is highly unrealistic especially on blood pressure medication. My job is to do all the talking with my female voice. We have one problem though, you have to show id to get in with your pass now. That could be...awkward. I have wrangled OUT of jury duty this week, thank goodness. I got a call that said "no jurors are to report on the date, this call ends your service to the court". YAY! I really was not enthused about getting up before the sun to leave for Toledo SUPER early because all the dang highways between me and the court are currently massively under construction. So I'd have to leave stupidly early to get there on time or risk getting stuck on a highway and going to jail for contempt or whatever it is. Honestly, Ohio ALWAYS seems to be under highway construction, it's like our roads are made out of tissue paper and falling apart every other month. Don't even get me started on bridges. I watched this documentary about how out of date bridge inspections are and now I'm paranoid. Don't watch it. Seriously.

The thing about blogs is they don't have to be all sunshine and light. Sometimes showing our pain, frustrations, and rage can be just as critical to let people know they are not alone struggling with these things. When everything from others is all light and happy, and our lives are painful, it can be very isolating. But seeing others with the struggles can give a sense of unity and strength. Blog or don't blog according to your hearts needs. We're all here to explore our personal truths and sometimes truth is a soft plushie, but sometimes it's a nine bladed knife.

Thank you Blue. I'm just really frustrated tonight with my epic failure at recovery.

All the symptoms but the lung congestion have fallen away. If it's not gone by Tuesday, I'm going to back to see Bethany because I've had things like this turn into Pnuemonia before. And the last thing Nikki needs just before he starts seeing the therapist is for me to go from sick to 'into real trouble'. Blargh. I feel like I want to cough out my lungs, windpide, and or esophagus. And I have this irrational fear that I"m ruining the weekends girl time, even though Nikki says he's not feeling great and doesn't feel like screwing around with it. I'm sorta in a perfect internal storm of anxiety triggers. The ongoing struggle with my family, the extra hours at work (my job is awful, and the smoke from teh boss has been driving my congestion and asthma crazy), the paranoia that I'll get my guts twisted up from the severe coughing again (that is how I injured myself into surgery last July), my asthma triggering off the congestion and making it crazy hard to get enough air, and Nikki being really sick and down again are all making me crazy. Doctor said two weeks is the normal clearout, so waiting til Tuesday unless anything goes wrong. I need to find something to do to get my brain outta thinking mode clearly.

We're working really hard on learning to communicate better. I've either acted on making the things he wants happen, modifying my behavior to respect things he doesn't want like he's modifying his for me (the no thing is petering out for example, and now I feel on more solid footing that he means yes or no when he says it), and he says sometimes I'll have to push, but he is talking to me about what he wants more. It's a little irksome, I confess, that 'sometimes you'll have to push me" putting it on me, but we're all human, and I can handle navigate pushing and feel comfortable knowing that when he wants me to he'll talk and hwen he doesn't he'll say stop and now that he's worked on it I know what no means. Did that many any sense? I've been having anxiety attacks last night and today, and it's hard to communicate rationally when I'm spirally like this. I'll be fine, just too much work, too much sick, and too much on my brain with my family all at once sent me off into neverneverland and it will take a few days to settle again.