Briannah

I miss our cat too. I miss the funny, weird things she did, and the recliner cuddles. She was awesome, and just suddenly gone and it's okay that it hurts. It's SUPPOSED to hurt. If it didn't, it would mean that you didn't love her, and you loved your cat a lot. We'll get through this, and everything will be okay. Not tomorrow, not next month, but soon and and bit by bit. I can be patient while we do, and you've been good about listening when I tell you how some of your behaviors make me feel. The fact that you CARE is really what matters most to me, not how succesful you are or aren't on a particular day. And the fact that you care about YOURSELF enough to get help to feel is huge. So many people with the various forms of depression just sort of form an identity around it, and accept that's how life is and don't stand up and say "I want to feel better". You're miles ahead of a lot of people, and I'm grateful for it. Love you, in all your cranky and quirky glory.

Thank you Emma. I did just that and feel much better now. Still a little overwhelmed and weirded out by it, I mean it's all GOOD changes right? But I can handle this. Except maybe the broccoli. How ow are you feeling? Hugs

There are huge, sweeping changes we have to make to our day to day lives. Me exiting the working force changes our financial bad habits, and getting those under control is never easy. All the prep work I have to do to exit the job for the person after me. Supporting Nikki's depression recovery required a lot more changes. Meeting his desire to change his poor social habits still more. Figuring out how to fit girl time into all this crazy. Trying to overcome the dysmorphia and bad health habits. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with it all. It's not a fear or panic attach, it's just a sort of...quiet nothingness in my head as I stare at all the work and have no idea what to even pick up. I'm just sorta frozen and unmoving. And sometimes Nikki can be mean about things. I was trying to talk to him about some of the changes and he tried shaming me instead of dealing with the actual issue. Which didn't feel good at all. Especially since it was something I had asked for help (from him too and didn't get it) to overcome. He apologized right away, but that unpleasant feel lingers. And then there is the feeling of it's not really fair to ask too much while he's fighitng off such big things to get better. Some nights I"m just... a small turtle. Tomorrow I'll make sure to be a tortoise again, but tonight I'm just a tiny turtle whose not sure where to go or how to get there. And that's okay too. I don't think anyone else has all the answers either. So it's okay when I don't. I feel better talking about this. Thanks for listening, I"m going to bed now. *hugs all around*

Its a great idea Emma but I can't. After the surgery I had to wear a binder brace to support the healing. After about a week I started getting twinges in my back. At the second week I had crippling pain muscle cramps on the sciatic nerve where all I could do was cry until Nikki hauled me to the er. Apparently the brace was weakening my back and the muscles started cramping on my sciatic nerve. Spelling on sciatic questionable. Between the muscle relaxers and painkillers I literally slept for three weeks. Nikki actually had to force me awake to eat, drink, and bathroom It was a completely unexpected side effect from a fairly simple hernia surgery However, you did just completely clarify the deeper fear than the fainting one lurking in my head that I wasn't looking at by reminding me of this story. Thank you so much for helping me figure out my tangled up feelings. That was the worst pain in my life and I really do fear triggering it again deep down. However realizing that I know to stop at the twinges stage if a problem develops!

Yeah, I could. Spent the last five days crying for my cat, and freaking out about her brother's health, but he's in good shape. And then I feel guilty that it was Nikki's cat instead of mine, which is stupid because I can't control it and obviously would keep both cats healthy if I could, but the brain does what it wants to do sometimes. I'm really scared of the corset thing, but I meant it when I said I would rely on Nikki's judgement and try new things. So stuffed sausage days here I come! LOL And I wouldn't say no to some spinal support, I admit that. So Im trying to be open minded, mixed success. Otherwise things are normal here, still waiting for spring to really come so we can put up our pool, still want to kill the neighbors.

So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko. The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl. The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went. Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse. Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here. Talked with Nikki about my stresses about going back to housewife, and he calmed my freakout that he secretly hated me and the lifestyle changes we have to make to support it. A lot of them will actually be supportive of getting healthier in general, so he's perfectly happy with it and having access to me at all times he's not at work. I believe he's lookiing forward to having full weekends with me again instead of just one day a week where he has to get up early the next day so sleeps part of it away. I'm getting excited as the appointment for the antidepressants gets closer. I have no firm expectations, but there is a hope that my happy bouncy Nikki will come back a little bit. Depression can be contagious, and I'm working hard to keep my own self internally healthy so that we don't have two big Depression issues going on at the same time. Things between us are almost back to where they used to be. I have adjusted to the changes in our life, and the only thing standing in the way now is his depression. Oh, the corset is on the chair. I think I'm about to be squeezed into his corset, he wants to see what it dose for my hernia if it's better support for the hernia than the girdles. Obviously if it is good and works, I will pretty much only be doing that when he's going to be home to both get me in and get me out. I am aware that people DO manage to get into and out of these things alone, however, I also know I am inherently clumsy with hand-brain issues and I can't even tie a simple bow behind my back for my jumper dress, let alone pull and tie a corset on. Relief, no, my turn in that thing is soon but not today, as I already expressed some abdominal irritation to him. It's going on him. Isn't that silly that I'm scared of corsets? I think I still have a Victorian crazy image in my subconscious that I'll be laced in so tight I can't breath, and I know rationally Nikki would never do that, but rooting out subconscious stuff isn't a simple thing. I might have agreed to let him order me a decorative one for intimate use like an idiot, but he tries to make all my wishes happen, so I can wear one for that without fainting for him. I'm not entirely convinced the second surgery, when I decide it's a good time to have, is going to completely fix my issue so supportive garments are probably going to be a lifelong choice. Excuse me, I have to go assure my dog the mailman STILL is not here to murder us all and she can stop barking now please. Wouldn't I be surprised if he ever did?

You can do anything in the world you want to do. But you can't do it all on a timeline, you have to search along the way, make a change here, a chagne there, until you reach where you want to be. Trying to change and settle anything in life RIGHT NOW isn't really possible. Look at each step along your path in life. IF we looked at our whole lives and what we have to face, we'd all give up. *Hugs*

For what it's worth, I think showing a 'whole person' in these journals is as important as just discussing trans issues. It's really easy to get confused as a reader and think "If you/your spouse has this, is that ALL there is? Does it take over the entire life?" So it's lovely to see the whole person kinda post. I'm sorry you are in the same place Nikki and I are workwise, a bad job just drains out the energy and joy from a person. What works for us is enjoying home life with a vengeance at the end of the day! Is it as ideal as finding different jobs? No, but it helps. Even little things like our scented wax warmer making a good smell while we relax doing something we enjoy goes a long way to restoring the inner selves. I'm so sorry about your loss, cycles of life can be really painful. BIg hugs. I wish you the best of luck in pursuing your career, and we can't control the doors that close, all we can do is walk through the other ones that open with open minds and try to get the most out of what lies beyond!

LOL My inherent lazy factor is why I never got involved either, but I fully admit I totally wanted to wear those historical clothes. In the winter, not sure I wanted to be in a milliion layers in the summer. And some of those groups get pretty authentic. We're having a quiet day, our kitty girl is not doing well, and it's highly likely tomorrow is the last vet visit. We tried everything, and we've reached the point that there's nothing left to do but let go. Lots of crying and quiet in the house today and snuggling with her.

Just thinking about where i am today with Nikki. THis is probably rambly and nonsensical as my add levels are high today and it's hard to focus. It thought writing may help, but now I'm not entirely sure. So after a crazy whirlwind of two months, things have settled down greatly, progress is being made, and that feeling of living in a crisis (as far as Nikki is concerned, don't even get me started on the cat or the yard or house maitenance!) has mostly dropped away. Both of us are occasionally getting some weird mood swings, but they're not horrible and we just get though them. I saw an interview with Helen Boyd and they asked her what advice she would give someone..well...someone basically in my position, and it was "Fasten your seat belt!" Man was she ever right. Most often now though it's just fun, and trying to balance "what items do you NEED vs. WANT cuz we is poor right now?" There was shock. There was anger and betrayal. There was spirally crazyness on both sides. There are serious mental health issues in the mix on both sides (OMG mixing the usually anchor person who is suffering depression with the flaky attention deficit disorder partner is so NOT going well on the day to day chores front, but we're starting to get it back under control). It sounds like a recipe for disaster, and anyone in the future reading my blog who might be in a position like me, here's something you should know. It's only a recipe for disaster if you add the final ingredient...and that is...wanting it to be. If instead, you want to learn what is happening, and work with your partner to find places that work for both of you, it also opens up communication like never before, and in our case, learning to meet each others needs, not just Nikki's like a lot of the narratives you'll see online, and our marriage ended up in a better place. Yes, my husband enjoys wearing women's clothing, and that's fun for me too. I like it. When he's under any major emotional stress it goes from enjoys to needs, and that is okay too. I am learning to recognize I want to have some girl fun with you Bree from OMG CRAZY STRESS HELP ME. We ALL have our crutches under stress. One of mine is to disappear for a while at one of the places I spent a lot of time with my grandfather to calm down. There are a few places I haven't told Nikki about so I have a bolt hole where no one knows where to look for me even now. Probably a bad idea in a crazy world with creepy people though. Our life and our marriage didn't end. As far as crossdressing, I kinda don't get why so many people freak out about it. It's just clothing. 90% of crossdressers stay that way according to my reading. And you wont' find a lot of narratives for them, they aren't online talking about it. They have their personal family and friend supports, and most of them aren't really struggling with it beyond wanting to talk about ways to further the illusion or discuss makeup and fashion. Because most of them aren't unhappy. So I'm leaving my narrative here for you as best I can. I looked for the narratives, and there are some, but not so many. There are a great many websites claiming there are no perks to your husband being into crossdressing, and that depends entirely on you spouses. I have found fun, laughter, bonding, theatricity, openness, communication, and adventure in my new life. I really enjoy these things, and am enjoying sharing it all with Nikki more than I can say. Do I have fears? Of course. But I wouldn't ever ask him to stop the fun because I occasionally get scared he may change his mind about trying to be a woman in the future. If that road comes I'll walk it as best I can. There really isn't another choice at that point. And yes, that other 10% is kinda scary. Future reader, maybe you'll be facing that 10% that it doesn't stay clothing and fun and shared activities that then go back to what you consider the normal marriage. And my heart goes out to you, that is a lot harder water to navigate. I can't help you much there unless my own circumstances changes with time and I have to confront the harder realities and choices down the road. You're entire romantic and sexual roadmap are being drastically altered, and it's not as easy to find support as it is for the person with the gender dysphoria, but you can find it. This is a great place if you are reading this! I wish all of you who will become 'me' in the future the love, laughter, and compassion from your spouses that mine showed me while I was navigating my fears and learning what it meant for my life as he was and is doing the same.

I think only true masochists really enjoy shaving, the rest of us do it (if we do at all) pretty much under protest. That is true for both men and women, the whole process is a somewhat uncomfortable and risky endeavor all things considered. There is a reason Nikki glares at me and reminds me Nair exists if he sees a razor in my hand. LOL It's not going to end well for anyone involved.

Neither of them have dysphria, the only person I know offline with disyphoria is my husband. P is my best friend, she works with Nikki. J is her husband, and has been in severely declining health the last few years. But he's making it worse, he's not exercising(which is a HUGE control for his condition), he's still chain smoking, and drinking masses of sugar and caffeine that all increase the stress on his body and make it worse. When he WAS doing his rehab and following the rule she improved dramatically. And socially he's sort of put me to the point where I don't care. I SHOULD care that someone is suffering that much. I should care hugely that it's someone I know, but I just...can't. I see all the suffering he causes her, and I just can't. I don't want him to die, I would call for help if I walked in on something, but mostly because SHE would suffer losing her husband more than to save a person. Sometimes I just don't feel what I should feel.

I'm really grateful I met you instead of someone like that. I can't even imagine what living like she does is like.

Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening. My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore. He doesn't listen to the doctors. He treats her like crap. He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is. She deserves so much better, but nothing I can do about it. I really don't want her to be in pain, and I don't wish ill on anymore, but I just can't muster it within to really CARE beyond about her needs, ya know?

The first time I realized that being a girl was different than the boys was when I was in fourth grade. If I remember right, that made me around 10? 11? Growing up, I had a big group of mixed friends. I liked the games, toys, and kids in both sides of the fence pretty equally, and never really thought much about any differences other than for whatever reason the other girls and I weren't allowed to run around topless in the summer like the boys, even though we all looked the same there, and I knew the differences on the bottom, we all shared. Kids get curious, and they have seen the other options in most cases. Then fourth grade hit, and the music teacher came in for glee club recruitment. We had a choice of glee club or study hall in the classroom with a teacher. I hated music class most days. Because I hate singing. I really really hate to sing. I have a really unpleasant singing voice (and really odd speaking one) and always have. My throat hurts when I sing. I really dislike it. So of course, I didn't raise my hand. I was the ONLY girl (apparently in the history of that school, not just in my class) to not raise her hand, and about 7 of the boys also didn't. I got taken out to the hallway by my teacher, and he tried to strongarm me into joining. I refused. The music teacher joined him, I still refused. I got sent to the freakin' principal's office, with all three adults pressuring me to join, and threatening to call my parents. It was early in the year, so safe to say, I WAS TEN YEARS OLD. I caved. I wish, going back, I could tell myself not to, it did set a pattern of caving to things like this, and that was hard to break later, but I was ten and frightened by the pressuring adults. I wish I could whisper in that little girl's ear "Remind them they taught you that everyone is free to make choices and pursue happiness, and you are free to not sing!" But I can't, and I joined the glee club. I lip synched, even though I didn't know what it was called then. I was bored outta my mind and miserable, always in trouble for moving around to amuse myself. But most of all I hated being there every minute. Just being there reminded me I had no power over even small things in my life. But there was one thing I realized that day aside from the fact that it was apparently critically important that I stand on that stage and do next to nothing. And it was that not ONE of boys even got asked a second time if they were sure. Not one. And that really upset me, and it scared me, and I didn't know why. I didn't know why the boys weren't put through that, and I knew it was unfair, but I didn't know why it SCARED me that that they weren't. It wouldn't be until fifth grade, when the music teacher was annoyed that we weren't getting something right in practice and she yelled at us "Anyone who doesn't want to be here you know where the door is!" and I bolted to the sound of her yelling "Not you <Lastname>". But it was too late, I had my shot at getting out of this and I took it. And I ran to my classroom. I was kind of close to my fifth grade teacher, she was actually the twin sister of my third grade teacher from another school, and after a week of confusion in my first days in fifth grade, we got on. Apparently her sister said I was a nice student. So when I arrived at the classroom she asked why I was there and why I was upset, and I told her, and she sorta sighed and explained some of what had happened. That the world expected all girls to be the same, and that by not wanting to do something that was expected, people would try to force me. She then talked about the women who stood up for voting rights, Rosa Parks, and other figures I forget now and explained to me that I didn't have to, but it would take a lot of courage to say no and stick to it, and I should practice learning that. All people being equal was a lie in history lessons. One of the boys sat with me and told me it was the same for him, not about singing but about other things, because he was black. I was equally horrified for him. It wasn't the last lesson I'd ever learn about the world being determined to force a difference on men and women or people from different races and their choices in society, but as they say, you always remember that first one, whether it was a good first like that first love or a horrible one like this. I remember that time often, especially lately when someone tagged my name in a photo posted by that teacher and I saw him collecting praise from a lot of students. I blocked him and moved on, but I will always remember he was the first person who took away my choices solely because I was female. I think sometimes talking to that boy, and learning it was the same feelings for him even if the details are different, are why I never really joined the 'revenge on men' stuff some of the really crazy feminists pull. I don't need revenge, it won't change the past, I just want to be free to make my choices by skills, talents, interest, and ability to engage in the option, and not by my gender, race, or any other classification. As much as we like to tout freedom for all in America, none of us really are, until we all start just looking around at everyone and seeing other human beings. Meh.

LOL Yeah,we're HUGE fans of cruise ships. There's something about being out there on the sea, all that entertainment, and the cameraderie everyone has one board. We love it. I even loved the time we went on Princess instead of Holland America and it was really hard for me to find food. LOL Most of the menu was seafood and beef, and I'm not a fan of either. But the ship itself was AMAZING. I'll have to hit up Nikki, I was just looking over the cache of photos that I took and they're all just of us doing silly tourist things, I swear I remember some of the amazing Atrium on the Royal Princess I wanted to share. I had something fruity and sweet and amazing and virgin! LOL I never liked the taste of alcohol, and apparently I'm extremely sensitive to it in general so I just don't drink. Nikki will occasionally, but he's not super fond of it. It's funny the peer pressure we get over it. Out of all the things people like to freak out about, you'd think whehter or not we like alcohol wouldn't matter to anyone but us. My dad FLIPS out that i don't like it, and tries to get me to drink wtih him every visit. X_X We once nearly got into a fist fight at my stepsister's wedding when we were leaving, he'd driven my car up so his wife could take care of her mom, Grandma Yetta was really getting frail with her aging and getting her to and from places wasn't in my dad's sense of patience, so stepmom asked if I minded going up with him seperate. Which meant getting back in time fo rme to join a freinds party, great plan! Until my dad had at least four whisky sours that I saw in the first half hour, and who knows how many more in the next to, and i wanted to drive back. The valet finally broke it up after I snapped that it was my car and I hadn't been drinking, and he was drunk. There are liabilities in NJ and the keys were put in my hand post haste and they offered to call the police if I needed. Dad settled down and go tin the passenger seat, and halfway home admitted it was probably best i drove. *Headdesk* Family, nothing like them! On the bright side, I did attend that other party and had a great time!

SERIOUSLY I hate my job. Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day. This week was just stupid. Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill. If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts recievable, I actually can't tell you what is in stock, what the pricing is, or when a tech will be available, you will have to leave a voicemail to get help!" and get "I'm sure you can help me!" I"m going to hide under my desk and weep sadly. Cuz you know, I have nothing better to do than lie to people about my super amazing telepathic knowledge of where the techs are hiding! I did get a lot of work done this week though with less people dumping still more stuff on me, that was pleasant. Looking forward to my one day a week off with Nikki tomorrow. I need down time. I watched Hateful Eight with him yesterday, I admit I was curious to see it, the trailer looked like it was going to be somewhat funny. However, I went in assuming Tarantino would fail to entertain me, and I was right. I recognize the mans movie making skills, he does amazing shots and really good technicals, but his stories just fail to engage me. Nikki loves them, he really really loves Tarantino so getting me to agree to sit down and watch with him (mostly because I really love Kurt Russell despite the really scary mustache) was fun for him. Tomorrow we have Vin Diesel's Last Witch Hunter (Vin Diesel rarely fails to entertain me, I love that voice) and Insurgent that I picked out, and Ant Man that Nikki wanted to see. I expect very little of Ant Man, no pun intended. LOL I was really surprised I liked Divergent as much as I do. So life is settling down, and Nikki told me to switch my main focus from researching our future with his dressing needs since we've worked out a pretty good system that makes everyone happy, and to start researching depression. X_X Okay, so...it's been years since I dealt with it really, surely there has been a lot of progress and new understandings and stuff...and....nope. So far not coming up with anything I don't already know. Every article I read on the science of it to the supporting your spouse who suffers from it is pretty much what i already know and do. I'm sorta disappointed. I was hoping to find new things I could do to help I guess. The CD stuff was easier, I could buy him things, come up with new girl/girl role play scenarios, shop with him, watching makeup and other tutorials, get involved. Depression doesn't really let that happen. Sure, I'm engaged with him in everything else, but this one there's not so much I can do and he's going to have to fight through it internally. Meh. It's surprising how much difference not going on a cruise this year made. We hadn't realized how much the destress of a week of no worries other than what do we feel like doing/seeing/eating right now helps after the long overtime season and cold winter cabin fever months. We're going on once next year that is going to be a challenge and a half on it's own, Nikki's family is going with us! At least his dad and stepmom are. His dad's great, but his stepmom can be...strange. Like she gets really weird about odd things. A good example was it was someone's birthday, and they went to a seafood house because the birthday person loves seafood. Nikki hates it, he ordered the steak. And she freaked out that he didn't choose some sort of seafood at the restaurant. And they constantly have to have us doing something, they spend so much money. I tried to talk to them about it, Nikki would like some time to just hang out and talk to his dad without being involved in some over the top activity, and she was very firm about how ungrateful I was being. Ri-ight. I gave up. So I anticipate some real challenges regarding shore excursions and meals on this trip. One thing Nikki and I agree on firmly is that the ONLY person who will be sharing a cabin with us if he's able to go is my son. We are not taking on any of the couples in the family if anyone gets bright ideas. Nikki would probably deal with it better than I would since it's a family norm for him, but I would go nuclear without a retreat space. I didn't even want to share a cabin with my own mom. It's not a space thing, I'd have no problems in a four person room with Nikki and two of a list of my friends. Purely a personality issue. When we went on the whole family trip with my family, I learned 'how bad can it be, it's a cruise ship!' in the middle of the week when I went absolutely volcanic on my aunt after she was stupid about something to Nikki. I was in the middle of paradise screaming my fool head off. LOL My aunt was stunned, my mom was trying to be invisible, and my grandma tried to control the situation until I turned on her and started screaming still at full volume and she realized I Was Done and retreated to the bathroom to wait for me to leave. My other aunt came into the cabin and tried to get involved and her husband yanked her out saying "I have no idea what Jan did, but that girl is ready to eat you for lunch too, let's go dear". LOL Then I stormed out and went back to my cabin and my mom called about 20 minutes later and asked Very Cautiously "Am I allowed to come hang out with you guys or not?" LOL She came down and found out what actually happened and was all "oh..." Aunt who had been bitchy was Nikki's best freind for the rest of the damn cruise. LOL Nikki has had a shouting match with her in the past too...she means well, but she's one of those people who thinks her way is right for everyone and has no shyness about trying to force it on people for their good. Nikki's family has even more people like that...so I foresee needing an escape haven. The worst part is it was my bright idea to invite them. Ya'll can believe i"m going to try to budget hard and see if we can't afford two cruises that year (it can be done with a really good sale. And we drive down to the ship instead of flying, so that decreases the cost by $500 to $1000). One year with a really good sale we literally spent $1992 total. That included the crusie tickets, tips, soda cards, hotels, gas, parking, food on the trip, spending, and shore excursions. I kept track becuase I was curious how small I could make a week in the Caribbean.

​Mastering your emotions is a skill, you learn it. Of course your not sure right now, you're just starting on the journey to opening the boxes and dealing with them. Just like every other life skill, you're not going to be a supreme master at it on day one because you want to! It's a process, and will take work and effort both alone and with a good therapist, but you CAN learn it. Part of what is getting in your way is the self doubt. Put that away. It's not helping you. This is a skill, not an innate talent. If you don't have it today that is perfectly fine, you can develop it with time. A little at a time. Just like a skill at a job, it takes time and practice. You'll be fine! Trust me.

No no, feelings are what it's all about. It's why life is worth living. Some are harder than others to be sure, but they ALL serve a purpose. Fear is there to make us be cautious in life, to pay attention to what is going on around us and keep us mindful of protecting ourselves. It's not pleasant to feel, but it's so important. Don't look down on fear, use it as the tool it is and master it to help you in your life journey. The so called negative emotions are strong and not fun to have, so people want to not feel them and there is a tendency to ignore their purposes in our life. I find the best way to being a stronger person is to embrace it all, and use them to help me know what is going on around me that is causing the feeling and what I should be doing about it. I master them, not the other way around.

Not silently. Talking is good. find your truth, whatever it is, and then choose your path to it.

Hiya Steph! Actualy, Nikki had Birthday Brownies, but he seemed to enjoy them. I have food issues also, I can't eat beef generally. I have what the doctor and nutrionist (it took both of them together to figure out what was making me so ill) call a throwback digestive system that literally does not know what to do with beef. I don't digest it properly, it gets stuck in my system longer than nature intended, and food poisoning results internally even though there is nothing wrong with the meat, it's cooked properly, and everyone else who ate it is fine. The more pink/red the beef the faster it happens, so all my beef is brown all the way through. It makes beef lovers cringe watching me the few times I actually eat it. And some people like to slip it to me uknown, because it's not an allergy with an immediate reaction but a condition where I must be careful about quantity more than exposure, people get it in their head I just don't like it, am being picky, or dissing their favorite meat. X_X There's a reason I pretty much live on things with wings.

I plan to! I confess for lunch for one though I cheated and broiled a ham sandwhich from the leftovers from Nikki's dinner last night. Yum...glazed spiral sliced ham is the only kind of ham I actually like eating.

The most important thing about today is its Nikki's birthday! So obviously an important day to me. I took him to lunch at Pizza Hut and we splurged on brownies. No diets on birthdays! Lol. Right now he's playing the video game I got him Knights of Azure. He was really interested in it for the female/female love story so I knew he had to have it! It's cute so far I'm watching him play chilling out with my IPad. He likes it when I hang out in here with him vs going to the computer room. Work is crappier than ever but the math seems to be five more months maximum. Thank goodness. I'm so lucky Nikki values my welfare more than eating out as much as we do. Time to start cooking again!

Yeah he really gives me the best of both worlds. Were still figuring it all out but right now I get a cool girlfriend sometimes without sacrificing the man I love. It's a wonderful balance IF it fits the people in it. I don't think our way is right for everyone, I think everyone needs to hammer out their own needs and relationship balances. The more Nikki is exploring himself the more he's telling me that while he is somewhere in the transgender spectrum he inside himself doesn't feel transsexual and doesn't want to change his body. So I guess that means balance for us, and I'm perfectly happy to straddle both worlds like this for the rest of our lives. As long as I manage to stop smacking myself in the face with the boob at least. Lol. I really am stupid clumsy.

It's what I'm here for. We help each other and we get through it all way easier than we do alone. Love you.