Briannah

There is a seriously flawed cultural understanding of marriage in American society. There is this collective assumption that every marriage functions the same, and our media reinforces that. A giant wash of anything that doesn't look the same. For a country of freedom we do that a lot, alienation of people who look different, behave different, culturally different, etc. So much of this country really practices the 'freedom to be just like me' rather than 'freedom to be who you are in peace'. But the things I have come up in through two marriages and...um...nearly 23 total years of being in a marriage (I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly I got divorced at around the five year mark, but had only actively lived in the marriage for nearly three so I get confused because the divorce was rather anticlimactic in the grand scheme of my life to be honest) that no one ever talked about or in any way socially or culturally prepared me is huge. From the giant ones like mental illness(violent/aggressive - ex husband, difficulty functioning like everyone else me, my son), transgenderism (current husband), trying to navigate a healthy addition of a husband with a child, to small things like handling opposing wants, germs, boredom, and the day to day stress of close quarters living with another human being. None of that really gets talked about. Or maybe I just lived in a weirdly sheltered bubble. But whenever my family, friends, coworkers, media, etc. talk about it they always play up all the 'pros', and gloss over or entirely omit the minutiae and human element of it all. They make you feel bad if you're not living a Disney fantasy 24/7, which is ridiculous considering no one does. We live in a country with a HIGH failure rate of marriage. And I do have to wonder if a large part of that can be attributed to the 'don't ask, don't tell' mentality we have about a lot of things, not just alternate sexuality people in the military. There is so much talk about 'defense of marriage' out there in regards to treating homosexual couples equally, but they're not really defending anything. Really defending marriage would be to talk about it in much more realistic terms, not setting young people up with these insane expectations from it, and yes, discussing all the varied forms of marriage, including same sex, polyamory, polygamy, romantic marriage, lifestyle marriage, etc. etc. Telling them the truth that if you don't keep working at it, boredom does set in, not because you're partner or you are bad, but because that is how humans work. Teaching strategies for the curveballs instead of letting people flail around trying to figure out what to do, it seems like every time anyone in a marriage (including myself) gets tossed a huge curveball there is no coping mechanisms in place and a lot of flailing around 'I don't know what to do!"(and I mean a general sense of "oh, things happen, I feel this and have to figure out where I want to go from here' not a a precognitive ready for everything vs. this isn't ever supposed to happen I"m the only person in the world and I have no social concept what to do at all!). And the 'roles' and understanding of gender in marriages does more harm than good too, roles should be based on the individual personalities involved not the gender, and there should be freedom to talk honestly rather than expectation of people as a gender, example: when a guy cheats post new child because he's feeling neglected and unwelcome. Why doesn't he talk about it with his wife? Because he's been taught to never talk about weaknesses or feelings, and she's been taught to view any talk of such things negatively also. Stay at home fathers face a lot of nastiness, while stay at home mothers are praised. But not all women are suited for motherhood, and I think honestly most men ARE suited for fatherhood, they're just taught our weird almost hands off kinda cultural expectation of fatherhood. We as a society here are SO invested in wanting everyone else to validate our life choices by making the same ones that it gets really ugly for people who are different. That 'defense of marriage' crap really bothers me. Because we're not defending or promoting stable marriages, we're socially actively engaged in over romanticizing and cultural deconstruction of marriage. The biggest threat to anyone's marriage is internal, not the gender of the married neighbors. No one's lifestyle is threatened by allowing others to live their lifestyles, just their sense of being able to force other to be like themselves through legislations, media presentation, and social pressure is slowly being eroded, and maybe one day when we break past the legendary amount of things we don't talk about then a real defense of lasting relationships in all their forms for all people in equality like we talk about can happen. And for the people who don't like a thing, they don't have to. They don't have to embrace anyone they don't like. But they DO have to treat those people with common civility, respect, and safety. You don't have to invite the gay/ethnic/trans/religious/atheist/man/woman/children over for dinner and board games, but you do have to allow them to live peacefully and unharassed emotionally, physically, financially, legally, and socially. It's what manners were invented for in the first place, so that people who don't like each other can go about their day to day live in peace around each other. Yes, I came out okay, more or less on top. But how much better could I have done if married women before me talked about the realities of marriage to me growing up? If the only media shows that talked about issues like boredom, insecurity, jealousy, neglect, lifestyle erosion of affection, etc. etc. were the ones where someone ends up dead? If we didn't try to erase people who don't fit the mainstream culture and instead taught a calmer 'not my thing, thank you, but good luck!' response. Some people are exceptional and say early on "I have a potential dealbreaker, let's talk about this". There were three in my personal dating history, but most of them tried to hide them until serious investment figuring once the emotional/time investment was made they could force me into accepting it. One I took the out for, I couldn't romantically get engaged in it, but the other two I didn't and the relationships failed for the classic natural reasons, our personalities weren't right together. The ones that hid it assuming they could manipulate me into dealing, they were wrong, even Nikki. Nikki almost didn't come out of this okay because secrets and lying are a hotbutton for me, but I gave him a pass because of the realistic world fear of violence, not just fear of the relationship ending. But one more secret or lie I don't know about? We're absolutely done. But I think about how much craziness and marital strife could have been avoided over the years if there had just been an understanding that 'flaws' and 'dealbreakers' (of any kind, I'm not making a judgement on trans here, I know my audience here may be sensitive to my wording here so I want to be clear, by flaw i mean things like my temper and inability to get anywhere on time and general inability to organize at all) are as much of a HUGE determining factor of the day to day of marriages as the 'virtues' and 'dealmakers' are, and so are the basic wants and needs of each person, even if society deems those wants and needs undesirable. It doesn't make them go away. The answer to how much better I could have done? A lot. I would have been a better person on the whole, and dealt better with my relationships in both a very real understanding of how to actually be IN them and deal with the things happening in them, to knowing when to say stop in a rational, positive manner, to realizing familial relationships are relationships and should be terminated if they aren't healthy way before things got as damaging as they are. The past can't change, but maybe we can make the future change, and leave a better, more open, and more realistic expectation of marriages for those coming up behind us and less emotional trauma (and murder! Discovery channel certainly taught me how often marriage leads to murder) for them. And more equality and less alienation because that persons marriage doesn't look like mine.

I'm so sad for the yellow, so many neat clothes for both Nikki and I in that color...and it goes horribly wrong. LOL It makes us look like we have some form of severe jaundice going on. The dress arrived, and it fits nicely, despite my panic fears because I ordered a size smaller than I usually do becuase I have lost some more weight adn ignoring that voice in my head I followed their size charts after Nikki took measurements. I have an awkward body where my shirt size is different from my pant size, and this can get really tricky with dresses, but I tried it on yesterday and it works beautifully. Although it weights a ton, it's been so long I forgot how much sequins WEIGH when the entire garment is covered in them. Nikki has been teasing me that I loaded it with a lead lining. I think I would fall over if I tried a full length sequin covered gown. I can't imagine how heavy that would be with all that many more.

So since Nikki's depression has been seriously lifted due to the combined efforts of therapy and his medication and the life chagnes, I'm making an effort on the holidays this year. I have severely mixed feelings about holidays, so much unpleasantness to others hidden in that cheer, but what the #*&&. Nikki's having a good time and can use some festivity in the middle of winter. And me, being the extremely clumsy thing I am, managed to injure myself several times already trying to get things done. But I did manage to get through the annual 'do these lights work? Is this knot physically able to be undone or has it entered some weird form of light string knot immortality?' without getting the cat tied up with them this year, that's progress. I'm trying to figure out where to put the tree. So I was talking to my mom (when I can't get out of it, I admit) and she said she always thought I would outgrow the bruises and cuts and fails to understand how as an adult I can look like a clumsy three year old. Well, gee, probably because I am clumsy, but mostly because I live with two cats and a dog. 90% of the cuts come from them. And, unlike her, I don't sit on my butt all day, but I get up and do things, which occasionally means bruises and cuts and burns. Bree no longer takes parental criticism well, it's never anything close to normal 'your family cares about you' and now it just triggers a lot of rage. I'm tired of my mom implying I'm an awful daughter when she spent my entire childhood in her bedroom reading harlequin books with no idea where i was most of the time. I had to pester her an hour to get fed, at age 6. Cuz you know, putting the cheap romance formulaic novel down for 10 minutes to heat some frozen food and feed the kid would be a tragedy. So much fun trying to sort out that inner rage and holidays at the same time, but we have managed to get the lights up, work out a menu for xmas dinner, and my deep cleaning project on the house is going rather well, and progress in reducing the amount of weird clutter we have around is going well also. Trying to put together a Christmas list for Nikki, he hates trying to shop for me without one, but I have no idea what i want. Meh. My new dress for vacation this spring is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm going with the aim of blinding at least half the boat with a sliver sequin dress that Nikki found and told me to buy for this. My skin on the underside of my arms is going to despise me, sequins hurt, but I don't care, SPARKLE! Nikki has been slowly replacing my functional ugly clothes with stuff he wants to see me in, and have a great time doing it, and I've only balked at one or two things, mostly on issues of color. I cannot wear yellow, I look like I'm going to die, it does something creepy to my skin when I try to wear yellow. Which sucks, cuz I like it. Nikki shares this trait though, and can't rock the yellow either. I have to redo our hair. I also have to decide if I want to keep the peace with his family and dye my hair some sort of natural color for the cruise or not. Probably not, ,I love my green and if my family can deal, so can his. Today...is a day off. The new Pokemon games come out, so Nikki and I have to catch them all.

Oh, I never said I didn't run into or live a sheltered life. I've had men tell me in graphic detail how they want to cut me up into little pieces and throw me in the trash for daring to play a video game, which is a 'man's world'. I've been assaulted. I've had it made clear to me that I have no value in the world from my father to men on the street because I'm not a great sex object for them. And evertyhing I was worried about in my post is coming to pass. These incidents I and my female friends (Both cis and trans) go through are spiking on a sudden rise, because those people just got a huge validation in their feelings. It's not about the press released, it's about what is actually happening to me and others I know.

Thank you, the headache has finally gone, and luckily the part of my head I decided to headbutt was in my hair so no visible bruises to scream "CLUMSY GIRL WHO CAN'T SHOWER WITHOUT A CHAPERONE HERE!" to the world. I'm still all...weird inside, but it's calming down a little bit. It's just this insane feeling that I'm vulnerable to some sort of attack and I can't find the hole in the defense wall or even a logical provocation to explain it. It doesn't even make sense, as I've removed most of the actual unpleasant influences in my life. Brains, who can understand them? My new super awesome homemade from scratch (sorta, I admit I buy the cornbread crumbs instead of making bread and crumbling it, but close enough!) is going to debut Tday. The family always brings dishes to each others on the holidays, and I"m really not sure why AJ and I do this, because I host one holiday and she the other and it just seems like a weird dance of traveling food, but whatever keeps the peace I suppose. My home organization project came to a screeching (but temporary) halt as my main work area is my dining room, and is currently stuffed to the gills with a stegosaurus in a santa hat, a polar bear in a scarf, and two snoopy sculptures. Nikki go most of the string lights up yesterday, is going to finish them and get my light sculptures outside and set up today. We're moving the sculpture things from the front yard to the side yard, last time we put them up some jerk kicked my polar bears head backwards. Grr. I love my polar bear thing, it's adorable and his head moves slowly back and forth. My holiday stegosaurus is adorable too. I will go full Negan from Walking Dead on anyone I find kicking their defenseless heads in. And I'm geared up for this years 'why do you celebrate christmas as an atheist' round of crazy. Cuz it's a giant holiday in my culture that has as much meaning in the spirit of catching up wtih family, taking a break from the winter dreary, and submission to the fact that it's EVERYwhere so might as well have fun with the sparkly lights and presents as it has religious meaning for some. Meh. No, I"m not cranky today, why do you ask? *smirks* I miss my pool.

Seriously, I'm getting next to nothing done. *headdesk* I need a cleaning buddy or something. I just have zero motivation this week, even showering was a massive endeaver. And, of course, I had a clumsy moment and forgot the dimensions of the shower when I dropped the soap and cracked my head but good on the wall. The lovely headache I had for half the day so DID not help. I honestly think I'm having some kind of episode, anxiety maybe? I just have this...constant feeling of vulnerability and fear. Everything is starting me this week. Has anyone here had experience with anxiety attacks? I've never had one without clear and understandable provocation (like in the aftermath of the robbery). Is this that? How long can it last? A week? A month? Meh. I just feel WEIRD. I need to at least figure out motivation. I have a million things I want to do and just...haven't. Today is just about over, can't fix today, will fight this tomorrow. Good night all.

TO be clear, it's not really the president I'm worried about. It's the senators, congressmen, and lobbyists that have spent years building up thier constituancy on the idea that Christian religious values must be legislated and anyone who doesn't fit in them loses their rights. I feel like as a country quite a few people have lost the ability to understand the difference between the freedom to practice their religion and make thier choices based upon that religion and turning that religion into a tyrrany for others by legislating it and forcing them on people with different or no religions in a country that was created with the intent to separate religion from state matters is so scary to me. Not to mention the wave of harassment we're seeing all around the country by people on the streets around me. Trump will be what he's always been a dude on the tv far away from me. But those people in the streets, there around me. And using his televison persona (and who knows what the real trump is like) as justification for a lot of scary things. We focus too much on the president, and as a society don't pay enough attention to what is happening in congress and the senate.

I'm so glad your getting the full benefit! And your initial thought,t hat counseling is something to prove to others, isn't unusual. Sadly our world stigmatizes counseling and belittles its' value. I was 17 when my father decided I was crazy and forced me into a therapist, and I was really resistant to it, since my mother had done the same when I was 11. When I was 11, that therapist wasn't very good, she reported EVERYTHING to my parents, and it backlashed on me bad. So between what I had absorbed of culture and prior experience, poor Dr. H. But then that moment came, when I realized it was about me and learning to cope with my family. that Dr. H's intent was to help me be healthier and find what healthier meant for me, and that I wasn't the one who didn't understand the reality I was living in, that moment was tranformative. It was super emotional for me to read your post about that moment, most people won't share about moments like that in therapy for fear of the stigma, and it's lovely to see someone else doing so. Thank you!

Did that feel awkward as an interview format to do? Of did you find it helpful in getting across what you wanted to say?

That is such an odd format, to ask an interviewee to repeat the question then answer themselves. I wonder why they chose that, it seems that it would be awkward to do and to watch.

I need a suit of armor. Nikki and I have been working on increasing our outdoor holiday lighting display. I suspect mainly because I really really love sparkly lights and Nikki likes to indulge me. But as you know I've stopped working, so our budget are smaller, but no worries! PInterest to save the day! And I found a great project to add to our lighting display, only it requires working chicken wire. Chicken wire is plain evil. But it would be a lovely inexpensive base for lighting in any shapes we want, the project was for large round balls, but Nikki thinks we can manage simple trees and square gift box types of bases and we can add details with varied color light strings. I'm just so clumsy I'm a little worried I'll end up in the er again, last time I tried to wrestle chicken wire I sliced my arm elbow to wrist, and on the back of the other hand through the supposedly super tough leather gloves. Is there some sort of super secret chicken wire wrangling trick no one told me about?

Crazy times. Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out. It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life. That's a plus! I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right. The air felt...wrong. A little damp, a little too cool. And then I noticed a light pattern on the floor below me as I'm walking down the stairs that didn't make sense, it coudln't possibly be there unless....pause...no way...I'm confused clearly, because it's ten am and I'm alone in the house until one and there is NO WAY that the front door is open. So I creep down the stairs, peer cautiously around the edge of the stairwell...and...run like a lunatic back upstairs, lock myself and the dog in my bedroom, barricading it with a dresser and calling 911 cuz yup, it's WIDE OPEN and I don't know if I"m alone in the house. Fortunately it appears Nikki, despite the usual paranoia about it, forgot to lock it and it blew open. But man was the adrenaline flowing that morning! So the day after that improved greatly, Nikki took the week off before his crazy overtime season started, and we just spent it together doing whatever seemed fun at the time. There was a lot of pokemon go hunting, I have managed to appease my fitbit five out of seven days last week. So far this week fitbit appeasement has occurred 3 out of 7, I might have to up it's demand level. But it was a lovely week of just...reconnecting. We went to a public Halloween Pokemon Go costume, and he wore a female costume and had a great time. We had dinner after, and he was a big hit there too, and it was lovely getting to go out and do things with people and Nikki being comfortable about it. We've been out to restaurants in other towns, Nikki still harbors fears about the violence rations on trans people, so very much closeted in general locally still. Nikki is definitely some kind of bigender, gender fluid, some word not yet put into use. There are days where he's REALLY male inside and out, and days where he's REALLY female, inside and out, and sometimes cluing me in gets forgotten and it's sorta like a word puzzle, which mode are we in today? I confess, some days I"m just really confused, but that's okay too. I was really confused before I knew trans was a thing in my house, living with other people no matter what the details is one of the hardest things in the world. One of the most rewarding too if it's a healthy, mutual relationship, be it family, roommates, freinds, lovers, spouses, whatever. All the things they never told me about the art of living with other human beings though... It's kinds sad really, that anyone would think they have a right to care about what hes wearing/presenting/feeling to the point that they would commit violence. I don't get people. I suppose I unconsciously expect others to behave like I do. When I don't like a person or thing, I try to tactfully disengage. I don't generally want to cause harm to people, and just generally want to go my own way. I have brushed up against things in the world I don't want to be part of, but I respect other people's right to be and just want to find the nearest exit. There's room for everyone but people who serially harm others. I had a brief moment of insanity and printed out an extra copy of the professional cruise photos I was filling photo frames with here at home and gave them to my mom who is always bugging me for pictures (take and print your own lady!) and as usual no good deed goes unpunished. *headdesk* I think I still willfully blind myself to reality sometimes and expect her to act like a person, especially since I'd been forced to give up on dad and stepmom entirely. Delusion, thy name is Briannah. However, staycation is now over, and 10 hour days six a week (and eventually 7 a week) have begun, and not surprisingly Nikki is either working, eating, or sleeping. I just try to be quiet and out of the way during this time of year. It does get a little lonely, I admit. My son comes over to watch movies with me often during this time of year so I have someone to talk to. He's a good kid. Aunt wants to do Tbird day (so sad, I make a better bird, and I LOVE turkey) because she does a lot of church things and doesn't want to have to cook on Christmas, so I sat down and webcrawled, and have finally settled on a holiday menu I'm going to test drive this weekend when a friend is visiting us to make sure it's as tasty as the pictures look. Pineapple-brown sugar slow cooked spiral ham in the crock pot, sausage-apple cornbread dressing, french onion roasted red potatoes, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rye bread. I know, I skipped out on the yams, but mom is a diabetic in denial, and I think sugaring both potatoes and the ham is Really Bad Idea. I used to be so busy trying to balance work, Grandma's care, and my home life that I just fly by nighted holiday dinners, then Nikki's dyshtymia took hold and it didn't really matter if i tired or not he was blah about it, and i just got lazy. This year he's feeling so much better, I'm doing my level best to channel my inner festive and plan ahead and do something impressive. And I've discovered pinterest! There are cool things out there! I know, I'm late everyone else in the world knows Pinterest. LOL But I just found it. So now I'm knee deep in xmas decor projects to support my awesome dinner attempt. Ambience! So that is what I've been up to, how have you all been doing? Fill me in!

Just a hug. Loneliness is one of the hardest things, and I'm happy to be here for you if you enjoy my company. Feel free to pm me for more direct contact info if you'd like.

Hugs. We've talked a lot about everything, and I completely understand how hard it is to separate what we picked up in those early formative years from today. You have my number, yes? You're always free to call if you need an ear for that! I don't have the answers, but I do have empathy and intimate familiarity with that road of what do I do with this stuff that I let hold me back forever. *hugs*

I don't just mean in this community context either. It's this weird growing anti-language thing I keep butting heads against. And don't even get me started on the war against words like to. Seriously? Anyone needs to type 2? Two letters is too much typing? Gyah. Rage. And wrestling is okay, that is how we define them and realize the need for new ones, to be able to more accurately discuss topics. Any topics. From transgenderism to origami to intercultural understanding to modern science advances. Words are the power of thought.

I keep seeing in group after group a demand to reject labels. And I can't support it. History has made me really wary of this idea. In Europe, most people couldn't read. It wasn't just the expense of books, it was a choice by their leaders that they should not. And the spread of literacy across Europe did indeed change everything, and directly influenced the various revolutions. In America, very few slaves were allowed to learn to read and write, only those that their masters deemed required to know to do the work that the masters didn't want to. And were punished if they shared. Illiteracy is a chain. They didn't understand why it worked the way it did back then I'm pretty sure. One doesn't have to know why a thing works to apply the knowledge, the observance of a result to pattern is enough to make it a behavior that is socially taught to our children. It works because there is a correlation between words and thought. Literally, the more words you have, the deeper you can form your thoughts around anything. This in no way implies that those with very limited vocabularies are in any way stupid, there are several factors that determine true intelligence, but if you had two brains with identical iq's (the ability to learn knowledge) and identical abilities to apply that knowledge, but a vast difference in the amount of words each was exposed to and learned, the one with more will be very much further ahead in terms of the complexity of the mental work. It's how our brains work. The more words we learn, the more concepts we have. And because our brains are processors, that means the more new concepts we can get to because we aren't working out the base concepts to have the thoughts. It doesn't matter the language, the more words a speaker knows in his or her actual language the more she can do mentally. This concept that people who don't speak english in our country are too stupid is idiotic. That is an entirely separate brain issue. So labels are concepts. Where my life experience has led me to conclude we get into trouble with them isn't their existance, but how we use them. They are a thing. A label is a word with a specific ascribed complex meaning. Organic - both a word in scientific terms, and a also a label to the health conscious counter with a related but separate meaning for example. (Which is also how it gets financially abused, when some marketers use one term to mean the other, example no hormones or anything but seed fed to the chicken, and the buyer conflates the meanings to be the ethical organic free range, which the marketer KNOWS and hides that free range is not this chicken's life). Anything can be abused. Labels can be abused on a mass or micro basis. There are well known ones that send everyone into an instant rage. I don't need to cite examples. Their entire intended meaning is to cause harm to a group or individual. However, that is not the inherent use of labels. The inherent use is to convey complex meanings quickly, so that you can get on with the deeper concept you are trying to convey. I think socially we have gotten away from communication and real literacy(exposure to a great many written words, there are now literally people who have a great deal of trouble communicating in non-'leet' speak for example). We have started to demonize it, villify it, and abandon it. I have seen people who can only type in 'leet' openly mocking the literate on an almost daily basis now for not understanding the world and being part of the 'advancement and change'. And this movement to reject these things is a mistake. These are the things that help us make the great leaps, help narrow the gap between the upper and lower classes, and help provide the famed American 'social mobility'. Which is absolutely dying, we are slowly moving back to a 'lord and peasant' reality financially and socially. And a big part of that is someone introduced this counter culture anti-word movement. I don't know if it was done in all earnest good motivation at the start. Look at the harm of the n word for example! And these other ones! Labels are bad! And as I said, some are. And some that are used every day that aren't culturally horrifying are also, like stupid(look at case studies of the damage it does to children being raised constantly told how stupid they are), ugly(there's a reason plastic surgery is a HUGE moneymaker), fat (think how harmful this is to our young people who are average size and weight and how often this leads to severe eating disorders). Now, realize that kind, smart, generous, motivated, helpful, etc. are all also labels. Transman or transwoman is a label, just like the tword. Label's aren't bad. It's what we DO with the labels that matter. Accepting new labels and meanings is also critical to our knowledge and progress as a society. Example - I often seen the statement "We need to do away with the gender binary and create a society in which all genders are acknowledged and respected'. This requires words for all those genders. People can't acknowledge or respect what they don't understand or conceptualize. We need to expand our lingual base. We need to stop being afraid of words, and start taking responsibility for the use of them. Does the label political correctness mean anything to anyone reading this post? Really think about what it means. It's a way to sneer at having manners. To sneer at treating people with respect. Example: requiring people to say learning disabled instead of retarded. One has a degree of respect and lack of insult the other doesn't. African American instead of black. African american has a connotation of a person who is of african ethical/cultural descent. Black has a very complicated, often dehumanizing history. I don't need to highlight the Transperson vs. xxx, but same effect. When did treating people with basic respect and decency get reduced to a sneering 'have to be all politically correct now'? When the majority solidarity in how to treat others started to disintegrate. When I as a white, cis citizen tell someone who thinks any of the ethnical or social minorities in my country are not human that they are beneath me knowing and horrible people. IT's a way out of the responsibility of their behavior to others, by trying to put the blame on me for expecting them to treat other human beings like...human beings. We need more labels, and we need the understanding of what they are, and that a label does NOT limit our growth ever unless we let them, either personal or social, it's a building block to the next growth. We need to increase our understanding of how words affect the human brain and psychology. Language is not just a convenience, it literally effects brain development just as brain development effects language, ti's symbiotic. Look at the studies done on feral human children found who were raised without contact or language. Every culture in the world has a language, right down to the most isolated pockets of people in the Amazon who are largely unaware of what the rest of us are doing. It's an important part in our development. It terrifies me to realize how common, and how insidious, this call to voluntarily restrict our own thinking and expression is becoming. If a label makes people uncomfortable, we need to define why. Some individual labels DO need to be put away. But a great many more need to lead to a set of new ones to give greater cultural understanding to the complexity of the human condition and increase awareness of those conditions so they can be recognized and normalized into our society. This is why I will never agree with the people who say we need to do away with labels. I feel we need to embrace them, understand them, and use them to reach greater heights in science, math, art, social equality, and technological advancements. Embrace new words. Embrace new thinking. Be aware of the effect of your words on others, and their words on you.

I had a REALLY uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine today who was worried that a third friend had offended me with a sort of inappropriate outburst of hate against Clinton in the middle of game raid night. And I admitted it had made me really uncomfortable, but...not on the political front. And then the conversation got way personal, and I realized that what scares me most isn't Trump himself and his crazy, dangerous things that he spouts. There is always that one person yelling crazy stuff. Always. What really is stirring up the things inside is...the things normal people are saying all over comment sections in places I go and conversations. There is a video with trump saying how great it is to be a star from 2005, because you can just walk up to women and 'kiss them or grab them by their *vulgar word for crotch here*'). He admitted to sexual assault. And a large group of predatory type personalities are ranting at ME (abuse survivor, thanks) that I'M not understanding that it's not wrong. That I'm the stupid one because saying he enjoys just walking up to women he likes and doing those things isn't rape, so it's okay. WTH??????????? So if this man makes it into the presidency, what does the day to day world look for vulnerable people? The president says it's okay to kiss and grab the crotch of someone you like, so shut up and take it if I want to target you? I"m not even pretty or have a nice body and I've still had to deal with unwanted advances and sexual attentions and the rage that I had to nerve to say stop I don't want this and wasn't grateful that they wanted to use me. What would the world look like for the really pretty woman that lots of men want to just grab and grope? How much worse is it for them on a daily basis would it be with this sort of condonement in authority? I can rationally connect to how immigrants of all minorities have to be feeling, but I can't emotionally say I know because I haven't lived that life. But if they feel as scared as I am, that is a lot of people. Women are half the population by ourselfs. Let's say minority men are another 20% to be conservative. That makes 70% of the population it's suddenly open season on? Politics used to be about laws and where the line was between individual freedom and group wants/needs. But this time it feels more like it's about what is going to happen in the streets. Or is already out there but was hidden, and now is under a shiny huge spotlight. It's like everyone is just losing their minds about basic human rights all around me. People used to laugh at me when I said I try to treat everyone well, because you can't divide people up and say it's okay to be good to one group and bad to the other, eventually like that no one is safe. They said I didn't understand. But look what is happening. None of this is really about Trump or Clinton, the fights between people on the net are about basic decency and horror. And it's really scary. Why is my culture so inherently unable to understand that human beings are all human beings? You can not like whoever you want, but no one has the right to harm others. And using figureheads to justify committing horrors doesn't really justify anything, we still know a horror was committed. It's like russian roullette in America of who should feel unsafe today.

So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something. You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!". My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there. Until it heals up. But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking. And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her. But every hour I'm getting up and waddling around the house whining about how sucky my life is today. Nikki said it took a few days before it cleared up fully. I honestly can't tell you if it's helping or not, I don't know if I just WANT to believe it's a bit better or it is. I often face the same dilemna in my head, instinct vs. medical. I know what my body dysmorphia is and what not to believe that it's telling me, but I still act on it all the same despite rationally knowing better. Like the other day I only walked half normal at the park because it was homecoming and I was surrounded by gorgeous, symmetrical girls in pretty dresses doing photography, and it stirred up the obsession over every flaw and intimidated the hell out of me so I made Nikki take me home. You don't win every day over your disorder, ya know? Some days ya lose. And that's okay, because I went back and plugged at it again. I think people here can understand my feelings better than most. I don't think it's the same, but I think there is a lot of crossover in emotional fallout of dismorphia vs. dysphoria. And I understand Nikki and my freinds. I may not understand the details, but I do understand pain. And details can, and are, being learned. It's funny how connected unconnected things are sometimes. And then I realized that I made progress i wasn't aware of again. Because I did go back, instead of hermitting up for ages. I didn't used to do that. I used to lose the entire war, not just a day's battle. And now I"m not. I haven't won the war, but I did get a little closer. And I put another brick in the wall that is my happy. I"m not generally happy because it comes easy or naturally, I'm generally happy (with the odd rage or sad day, I have a lotta issues and ugly history still playing out in my head, let's be real) because I built the wall of happy. One brick at a time, one think to elate over and then the next, and the next, til the wall got high. Sometimes holes get knocked in my wall, and it's a terrifying moment where I think the whole thing is just GONE, but then I realize it's just a hole, and the rest of the wall is fine, and start patching that hole. I didn't understand when I was young what people meant by happiness is a choice. I didn't understand yet about pespective, choice, and deciding what I was going to obsess over. I wasn't happy when I was younger, I was just kinda lost and no idea where to go to get unlost. I was REALLY resistant to my doctors and therapists, because I had convinced myself they were wrong. Like all teens/early adults, "I KNEW BETTER!". Only I didn't. They really did know better, and when I started to listen and try to understand what I was being told I got better. And knew how to recognize the doctors and therapists who didn't understand what I was trying to relay to them from those that did and could help me. Today I just need to focus on that wall, walk even though it hurts, and be a good turtle. Anyone who reads this and it resonates, I'd be happy to help you find that first brick. That first one, it's small. It took me years to notice it. The bricks get bigger, but that first one, it's tiny. Easy to miss. Mine was realizing I was good at organizing the group Assateague camp trip. Everyone had fun at them (Save one guy that no one could save because he wouldn't tell anyone he'd never camped before and went on a fairly challenging environment island). There were no problems, and I sorted it all out, got everyone their reservations, organized people into carpools so we had less vehicles, sorted people into tent shares so those who didn't own gear could partner up and enjoy the trips, and it all went well. And things that didn't were minor, like me running naked out of a tent to get away from a snake. *blushes* Will NEVER live that moment down. But they did get the snake out for me and searched every inch to be sure. LOL It was an easy brick to miss, overshadowed by the minor things that went wrong like that, and the time I accidentally took a camp shower in sun tea, or burned some food. But once I found that first brick, I started to see more lying scattered around in my my head, and put them together to make a little wall, that has grown for years. That first little victory and overcoming my add to get something done well, it was a real, tiny brick. And it's still in that wall.

Oh, I thought it was one of those deals where the author made a mistake and forgot to count. LOL

What happened to stage nine?////////

I was just watching a video on YouTube posted by Phil DeFranco's wife (he's a funny youtuber with a take on the news I often enjoy and watch sometimes) and she is describing a break in that had happened to them, and talking about it made her cry. After we had the break in, I couldn't talk about it without falling to pieces either, and I wasn't entirely sure why, as we were not injured and yes we lost a lot of things, but we were okay and it was over. Watching someone else struggle with the same feelings in a similar situation is really reassuring on so many levels. That my reaction was normal, I'm not overly weak, not overreacting, not alone in having to get through the experience. It's weird to me how wired my brain really is sometimes to find that much comfort in knowing other people react the same way, when usually I think in terms of my emotions are my emotions and they're okay whatever they are. Apparently I have a subconscious or suppressed desire for external validation I don't really think about or address until it comes to me, usually by blundering into it. This happened five years ago, and there are lingerings feelings and behavioral changes from it. Like Nikki has to be home or close by home after dark or I get really freaked out. If he's going to be upstairs sleeping and I"m still awake down here the lights have to be on so I can see and usually netflix is playing on his computer for me so I don't hear every little creak of the house and obsess over what that sound was. i get weirded out when the motion sensor light in the backyard is on, although honestly it's sensitivity is crazy high, and we have bats, squirrels and rabbits all over the yard setting it off. Everyone told me that Ohio would be so much better than New Jersey, but the bad things happened to me here, and not back home. Which just tells my brain no where is safe. Which is true, and it's good to be aware of that, but at the same time, we all want to FEEL safe in our homes. X_X. The wind is blowing something outside and there is a thumping and it's creeping me out right now, even though it's broad daylight and there is no one outside. I know, because I checked. Four times. I guess some things you don't get over, not all the way.

It's actaully not that uncommon for epilepsy to be undiagnosed for a period of time. There isn't really a specific test for it, epilepsy is a diagnosis of exclusion. When everything else is ruled out, and that is what is left, that is when you get the diagnosis. If it's not a severe case that rarely triggers, even decades isn't that surprising. I know what you mean, my parents just accepted that my dietary beef issue was something 'in my head' and I was a hypochondriac, no one had looked at my diet and figured out it was dietary. Once the mystery was finally solved it was really a huge relief.

I really liked this one. She was easy and comfortable to talk to and was great when they thought that lump on my ovary might be A Problem. I don't want to start over. *whiny Bree* Gonna get yelled at today by my Gyn too, in all the confusion and resorting of life and focus on Nikki, I sorta forgot to get a mammogram done, adn since I'm 44 now they want me to be doing these things. *headdesk* Sometimes I am a bad Bree. So Nikki and I are looking into finding a new regular doctor, there is one in Bluffton that is a D.O. we're considering. We like them in general, here's hoping she's a good fit. For those that don't know, that stands for Doctor of Osteophathy, and what it means is that they did a lot of extra training and are required to do continual training for the life of the time they have that title, but that they handle everything(up to major surgery general, really big surgeries require a lot of practice). We used them until our last one moved to Florida when her army husband got relocated, and she was wonderful. I didn't need a small army of doctors. Bree usually has to have a general, an asthma specialist, an allergey specialist (as my body keeps chagning how it decides to react to things), a gyn, and a neurologist for the language center thing to make monitor the defect. And I might need a podiatrist, starting to have symptoms like my aunt when the bones in her foot started to grow randomly into little spikes. X_X Having one doctor that reliably cares for all of that (and has no problems referring to second opinions either), is wonderful. The problem is doctor's aren't one size fits all, whether it's a surgeon, regular doc, therapist, whatever. I hated my surgeon last year, his surgical skills were really good, but his ability to take my questions seriously and aftercare not so much for example, and I went to my regular doctor to deal with the side effects. (and I had picked up a nasty infection in the incision as well as back pain like I can't describe from the abdominal clencher brace I had to wear post surgery). I'm already shy with authority figures thanks to my upbringing, and Nikki's worse, so it's hard to find one we can actually talk to and be comfortable enough to answer embarassing questions. I know nothing medical should be, but my silly brain feels what it will feel.

Thank you very much. We often get mistaken for siblings for some reason. I once made a girl I worked with cry when she asked me for 'my brothers' phone number so she could hit on him! The manager's face was priceless when she said that, and manager was laughing SO hard when I told her she didn't stand a chance with MY husband. Nikki has always been super faithful and very attached to me, that is one thing I can absolutely count on. : ) Sometimes we're hilarious, sometimes only we get the joke and everyone else is looking at us funny!