Briannah

Unfortunately, there will be a 2.0, as our friend's big trailer was unavailable, but he brought the 'smaller one' and we moved most of it. So we're going back Saturday with him again (he's so sweet, volunteered to do it again for us!) and get the last of it. I can't find anything, unpacking is really random, but it feels great to be here. This town is amazing! People are REALLY friendly here. When I smile and say hello to random strangers they stop and strike up a conversation instead of looking at you funny and hurrying away like our last city. And it's a pretty little town. The house is wonderful, and we're slowly settling in box by box. Nikki says hello to everyone!

The computers are going down tonight, and I"ll be off in no internet land until I get settled. Take care!

Well, we had mixed results. He can charge it now, but it's awkward and jerry-rigged and not really 'fixed'. So half success half time to start considering what replacement phone is best going forward. I need too also, Nikki washed my phone last winter. In the washing machine, and murdered it. SO we got a refurbished iphone 6 which is supposed to be a step up from my iphoneSE, but I hate it. We can worry about that after moving though. : ) Have you tried all the channels available on your phone? I know when I lived in an area wehre landlines were more common it could be hard to find a channel that some neighbors use didn't interfere with mine when we were on them at the same time.

He's taking his phone apart to try to repair it. *blinks* I'm going to hope for the best and will be happy to cheer Nikki on if this works, and go check out the hours of the phone store as back up.

YAY! We're closing on the house Tuesday!!!! Then on Saturday a coworker friend we've been making is coming all the way up here to help us move. He's aware of my hernia issue and my ability to live/carry things being compromised and wanted to help Nikki out and I'll just be organizing and using the wagon I won last year at a picnic giveaway (I love that collapsible canvas wagon, they are the best things ever! Lightweight, maneuverable, but roomy and strong!). I"M MOVING! One more week here at crazy mom's and I"ll be free. Nikki will be able to have whatever girl time he wants, I'll be able to get out of a corner (I literally have spent the last year either in bed or living in my computer corner of the sunroom with occasional visits to the bathroom as needed) and walk around the house, NO CARPETS (they are really unhealthy to people with asthma and allergies), it's going to be lovely! We don't own a couch right now due to cancer kitty's issues at the end so we're still going to be on high savings mode to get some things we need for it after buying it, but that's okay. Especially with all the overtime I'm working lately. Nikki's salary, he just has to do it, I get financial rewards. Sometimes it pays to be hourly! Nikki is going to set up my rowing machine and dance dance revolution game as a sort of home gym for me to get back on the health improvement bandwagon. I think I am going to try to find a therapist that does late evening appointments though. I'm not in the right head-space, and I"ve lost a lot of internal ground as well as need to pursue Nikki's theory that was misdiagnosed add instead of adhd. There might be more behavioral therapy appointments in my future as I was never able to conquer some of the aspects of my disorder, and if they were treating it wrong that would explain a bit. IF not, meh, we all have a few personal failings. But right now it's joy to the Bree cuz I survived! Moving day will probably be less stressful this time with the extra help too. : )

Still waiting. Supposedly we're going to get more information tomorrow. One can dream.

Feel free to ignore me, I'm just venting to try not to explode. I'm super frustrated as we're so close to escaping my froot loopy idea to stay with my mom (man, I moved back into my awful childhood, what was I thinking that this would work out okay???) and it feels like everyone is trying to stop me. First Nikki got mad at me: my fault, and sorta not my fault, I was trying to do research, I didn't realize any mortgage brokers were going to CALL HIM I thought I was just gathering intel or I would have told him what I was up to, he was blindsided and annoyed. I wasn't trying to jumpstart anything, but I did. Just like we bought the first house by accident, we sorta started on this path again by accident. But once he got over the shock of what I was up to, and I was able to talk it out with him about having had the talks at work to make sure they are keeping me, getting made formally a full time actual employee, and making sure my income and position are secure, and running the numbers, I realized we COULD afford the second mortgage for cheaper than the apartment we were trying to find that would take fat pooch. (most of them have a weight limit of 35 pounds, at her skinniest my poochie is 42 pounds). And can I just say landlords, crazy laziness makes you look like froot loops, the 35 to 50 pound cat limits are nuts. What do you think we have, cougars? So Nikki got on board faster than I did and I was the one researching the option. Then I got panicky and Nikki had to gently shove me back into the mindset that we're going to do this. And, of course, I had to put my 20th anniversary budget into the downpayment instead. So if we don't sell other house, no anniversary glory for me, I'll just try to move my expectations to the 25th. That's a big milestone too. Then there was the actual house hunting, the ups and downs of trying to match desire to budgets. That sucked. And of course I fall for one higher than we wanted, but still affordable and cheaper monthly than the apartment we were looking at. But she fits my criteria (two bathrooms, nice kitchen cuz since we started dash living has mattered more and more), room for my pool, and lots of room, its' big) and Nikki's criteria (mostly move in ready, nice yard, older architecture, central air), and in our target chosen dream town we wanted to go to on a lovely street. Then we made the offer, on the same day that someone else did! Some jerk bid on my house! And I went into a tailspin of this isn't going to happen and trying to divorce myself from my emotional attachment to it, only to get it. LOL Then there was a long wait for inspections, vacations, appraisals, and some sort of unreasonably long wait for the title agency to do thier thing that had the seller, us, the realtor, and our lender all cranky about the hold up. NOW there is some wibbling with the underwriters about the electricity in the living room. I've lived iwth the sockets not working in my current house forever, why in hell would this be a dealbreaker for me now? *cranky* So I sent the home inspection that says it does, but there is a problem with teh elctrical box, with the seller is fixing, so I probably now have to wait for the realter to get a statement from the electrician before I can close and move. I just want to go. Living here is sucking out my soul, and as usual here is the only place I can admit that. I probably need to go back into therapy once we're down to one mortgage because I am so not okay in my head, and I've go SO far backwards inside. I can't even tell anyone with a connection closer than the other side of the internet that I'm not okay, which is old me and hasn't been a problem for ages for me. Nikki has no idea how bad it is in my head, and I can't make myself say it. And writing even here is scary because that stupid little voice that is out to get us in our heads is all "Emma knows your phone number, you can end up having to talk about this voice to voice". Even though I rationally know Emma would ask first. I hope moving will make it better. Nikki will be massively happy. Nikki wants less commute, girl time, and less asthma problems for me (no carpet in the new house, carpet all over here). I just want time to rebuild myself into who I actually made myself without the influence of my family and moving back into those influences. I need out, I think I'm slowly imploding. How much longer can it take to get the green light to move really? When did I lose everything inside I worked so hard to gain? It's a weird time in my head, because I'm gaining a sense of self-worth through my job I've never had before, while reinforcing all the things that made sure I never had one at home at the same time. I'm back and forth between really happy and really miserable. In other words, life is happening I guess.

Aww that does suck, but you absolutely made the right choice. : ) We all give serious side-eye to those people who bring the germs! LOL We're recently back from our summer outing and one of the women had a bad case of pink eye and basically spent the whole time hiding in a corner, I felt so bad for her. But I admit I did keep a germ-safe zone away. I'm a bad friend sometimes! LOL I admit my fear of eye drops made me careful about that buffer zone. Eye drops are just horrifying to me. So is eyeliner, I once ran around a table away from my stepmom like some kinda crazy sitcom becuase she was so NOT coming hear my eyes with a freakin' pencil, even if it was mean to be used around the eyes. On the way home from work we drove into what must have been the aftermath of a pretty good storm, and there was a GIANT rainbow, we both enjoyed it immensely. Made getting home from work extremely late again worth it! Speaking of ailments, we're trying to find time to get Nikki to the doctor(well, I am, but as usual Nikki's putting it off), broken out in a lovely rash that looks suspiciously like the excema I deal with, but it's behavior is different and despite Nikki wanting me to, I'm so NOT an armchair diagnostician and said 'get thee to a doctor who went to school for this stuff!'. Not the desired response, but it's the best Nikki's getting. Rashes are the most common sympton in the world, it could be anything from an allergy or a plant to a stress condition. And I have an inherent dislike of home diagnosis vs. professional ones. That emotional response and internal push to seek medical attention has saved both mine and Nikki's life over the years, so I'm sticking with it. I'm so close to the weekend! WHEE!

I'm sorry I'm MIA so much, my life has been crazy with the hectic. I wish cloning was a thing at this point. But right now I'm sorta hiding from the world, Saturday night our much loved and very spoiled bearded dragon passed away quietly in her cage. :( So I have plenty of time to linger on line as I just don't want to go out and run errands right now. And in my favor in the desire to sit here and mope for a bit I think I've done everything I need to do to at this point and have FINALLY reached the point of just quietly waiting for the bank people to finish whatever it is they do and announce a closing date to start moving. So I'll take the lull when I can get it! I hope things work out the way you want with your new friend! :) *throws lucky turtle sparkles at you* Nikki has been lovely dealing with me slowly unraveling. On paper abandoning house to get the work done and it on the market with immediate possession as an option was a great idea, and that part worked out beautifully. However, I basically moved back into my childhood, which you may remember didn't work out so well for me the first time. It hasn't gone any better this go around. But things are better nowt hat I'm working full time and hardly here. And hopefully the staff changes at work will increase our ability to get out on time in the future. Nikki's getting a small team. : ) So I'm putting myself back together and just quietly counting days until I'm outta here. I'm sure Nikki is really excited to move, as he's not out to his family at all so no female time here.

Hi Monica! I have been settling back into the work force, and it's going reasonably well other than an insane amount of overtime. Going back to work has been good for my marriage since I see Nikki most in the car going there or back or at work! LOL And it's been completely different from my last company, no one here calls me stupid or blames me for everything and they actually seem to be pretty happy I'm there (and I've achieved things! LOL). But it doesn't leave so much time for a personal life. We still own the house, but are buying a new one closer to work anyway. We ran the math and can afford it, and the hour commute each way is LONG. So now we're in that weird we did everything we can and just have to wait for the final pieces and mortgage underwriters to finish up to close and actually get on with the moving. Dash diet is going well, and I'm really doing MUCH better. I know people were getting worried about me last fall, but it appears to have been mostly hypertension related. And removing the salt from the diet, my body is WORKING again. I still have the occasional bad day if I ear wrong, but mostly I feel great and am able to do more and more. I have nearly 7000 steps today on the fitbit, and while my legs are unhappy, I didnt' have to sit much and I kept up with the group. Nikki and I have relearned to eat as well as cook, and it's sort of an adventure! What have you been up to?

So that job Nikki took last year has been going well, he's still there, and I have joined up also. More money than I've ever made, and while the working conditions are extremely chaotic and we don't have much time for a personal life, it's weirdly satisfying and they seem to like me. And it enabled us to afford to buy another house while we wait to sell the one we still own. Which of course means my NJ friends aren't talking to me for this week after I showed them the Zillow ad and admitted I negotiated under asking price, which could maybe buy me a garden shed back home. I do miss NJ still, but who can afford it these days! Nikki's doing wonderfully despite not being in therapy since she passed, but he plans to find a new one once we are settled. I get not wanting to start over twice, and I hope he gets one he likes as much. I think he's way more stable these days than I am. Of course, I also am the one that came up with the idiot plan to move in with my mom to try to sell our house. *smirks* Self-inflicted injury. But we are moving FINALLY sometime in the next month or two. Still married, still going along with the flow, have managed to NOT injure myself with Nikki's breast forms lately (brownie points to anyone who remembers that story!). Although I did manage to nearly kill myself with mom's weird bathtub, the kind that goes waist high that you walk in and bath in without having to step over the tub wall with this odd shaped door by slamming my head into it full bore when I dropped something. Some days it's a wonder I live. Nikki also wants me to go back to a therapist, he did some research and thinks I've been misdiagnosed with add instead of adhd, as apparently it presents differently in women, but they'd only done the research on male children back in my day. If he's right it explains a lot. *Looks around* I refused to tell him how many of the criteria I fit when he was asking me about the list, I'll get a pro to re-diagnose me thank you very much. LOL Hope you are all doing well!

Happy belated birthday, and I hope it was as lovely as you are. As for society at large, make them give way! Dont' let them put you under any feet! There is one benefit we tend to forget as we age, along with all the changes you outlined, comes knowledge and the realization that we don't have to care anymore and can be who we want to be. I'm working again, but my hair is still blue and they can like it for example, where I spent most of my youth too scared to do things I wanted that were outside the norm. There is still much to revel in my friend, and I wish you joy exploring and find it all!

The pods moving won't really solve the main problems here, along with the there is absolutely no place to even put one where we are staying currently (the yard is tiny, and so is the driveway, and we have three cars crammed onto it and there is no street parking while a pod was here for a day, the back tiny yard is fenced, no way to put anything in it, and the front yard has a drastic slope. Secondly, Nikki really doesn't want to carry all the boxes OUT of the basement. I don't blame him. So movers is the way to go this time, and let someone else do the schlepping. And, ​I'm cheap. Why pay a storage fee for my pod when I can continue using the storage it's in now for free. LOL I have brought them to my doctor, but most of them don't seem to have a cuase, she ran a bunch of tests and checks over my food diary and sleep log from my fitbit, and can't find a pattern or basic cause for most of it. So ​apparently I age weird. She's still plugging away at it though. So ​I'm getting the same result you are, 'everyone ages different, and that's probably the cause!". Meh. On the bright side, still only have the smallest amount of gray hair in my roots. (hair is currently blue, but I can see a bit of root). It doesnt' really matter to me, if it all went white it would be easier to get the crazy colors I like, but it drives certain annoying members of my family who went gray in high school crazy.

I would just like to pipe up ant say, the claims about autism with vaccines? The original author made it up. He made up the study, and it came out on scrutiny originally that the tests were poorly controlled and done, but he later admitted he'd pretty much made up most of it. Unfortunately, there is a large population of the population who will not hear that, or all the studies about it. My best friend's son has autism, so I sporadically follow the new related to it, and often get directed to interesting things by her. I'm glad it brought you peace. Learning what my disorder is and isn't(add), and where I can separate out behavior issues alongside it and improve as well as coping mechanisms for the actual disorder has brought me much peace. I have not asked for concessions from people, just let them know I have the disorder and that is why I need to make so many notes for myself learning a new position for example. So when my brain is jumping around like crazy I have a visual reference to reorient with. I still get accused of playing the 'add' card. People get weird with a mental disorder. Like the brain is some sacred incorruptible organ, rather than a flesh and blood organ that can go wrong like a kidney or a heart or lung. Mental health really is just another form of physical health at the end of the day, something has gone wrong in an organ, and we have stigmatized it to be something else so we can blame victims instead of helping them it feels like sometimes. You can't find a solution or treatment for an illness wtihout understanding the illness, adn it's causes.

Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird. I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a medicine cabinet full of things (antacids, gas pills, throat pain suckers since I dehydrate at a moment's whim of my body now, things like that, prescription medically our lifestyle changes are reducing that amount at least). But we really should come with individualized manuals, this trial and error nonsense sucks. The manual should include actual nutrition too. Our culture has so obscured what healthy food is it's crazy. And most people trying to eat well are unintentially eating unhealthy in a variety of ways because packaging and manufactures are allowed to lie and obscure a lot from us. It's even worse in other countries, china has a crisis of a variety of fake food facing them. Our crisis is fillers and additives. One of the many things Trump defunded was an initiative to make manufacturers list how much sugar they ADD to the food. *headdesk* And, on a note of pure curiousity and interest, I want a manual that tells me how the parts actually work. So I can look up any organ and see what it's doing, how it does it, interesting facts. I know I have the internet, but one all collated and at hand would be fun. I know, I have a weird sense of fun. I'm off, I took a temp job to earn the money for movers, so we don't have to slog with a uhaul this move once house sells.

Happy birthday Monica! You are a lovely person to chat with, and I hope your birthday is absolutely awesome!

I hope yours turns out as well! And that the getting it ready is as painless as possible! It's the first time I ever sold a house, so... it was a wee bit overwhelming. I don't do well with first time situations. Summer is a great time in my neighborhood too, you get the college kids whose parents realize buying a house for four years is acdtually cheaper than the dorms at the local SERIOUSLY overpriced university.

So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week. So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday). We've had three. No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less. But I really want it to sell asap. But that's good news, people are taking the time to go look at it, not just looking at it online. I really need this to go smoothly and fast, I need to move outta here and get back in my own space. With my things. Girl time for Nikki, he can't exactly do that here. Alone time for me. Logic and reason ruling the house again. And my poor cat is frazzled, she's always trying to pet him. She's a cat person. But my cat is a one human cat, he only really wants to interact with me. He'll tolerate Nikki's attentions, but he only really wants attention from Nikki he's angry and punishing me, he's always been like that since a kitten. Didnt' want my son, Nikki, or even his sister to mess with him, only me. So he's really not happy right now. Poor little guy. Lizard, as ever, is chill and doesnt' care what is going on as long as she gets her food and heat. Dog ​is happy that she's literally never alone right now. Nikki's dealing better than me, but he gets more time outta the house, although I do have a part time job now for either a month or indefinitely, I'm so confused and different people keep telling me different things. I'm sorta worried it's gonna last eleven years, since the last time I accepted a brief temp job through nepotism it did just that. I actually temped for Nikki, and did so well at it that other people in the office asked me to come in for them, which lead to three days a week starting this week. I sorta hope it's just the month, so that i can re-earn my savings to pay movers (the rains came, flooded, and broke the furnace and it ate up my movers fund). If it's longer, I'll take it of course and do my best, to reflect well on Nikki, but dang I liked my happy vagrant housewife life. LOL

The younger set wear a lot of padded and shaping bras. You don't see very many of this demographic using forms, as most of them can't afford the really good cosmetic ones (and I have seen REALLY GOOD ones, but they cost nearly a thousand: there is dissention here, Nikki says apiece I thought it was for the set) and tend to wear clothing that would show it a little on the top and sometimes sides. One that spans all age demographics that I know of is the chicken cutlets, those little silicone pad things that even you out. One of the many things they don't tell us about our physical development, very few women are actually truly symmetrical(although I think most are close enough it's not an issue). Quite a few are so asymmetrical that we have two separate cup sizes, and it can be awkward since for whatever reason the manufacturing industry of bras refuses to deal with this reality. Jerks. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to make ribcage sized harnesses with eyelet hooks and separate cups so each woman can get what's needed. I vary with c and d, but I know one woman who has a b and d, and due to other medical issues is not a candidate for either implant or reduction surgery. So I learned that it could be worse, don't complain. LOL I imagine this would also be a thing for some transwomen as genetics does their unpredictable things.​ However, my understanding of the breast forms origin is for the ugly issue of breast cancer and removal of one or both breasts. And quite a few people of all genders fall prone to that ugly disease. And society unfortunately judges women by the size of our chests still, and removing them entirely was socially traumatic on top of the physical and emotional trauma. So there are unfortunately MANY cisgender women sport them for that purpose. The numbers are slowly going down thankfully, as early detection, advances in medication, and lumpectomy surgeries become reliable alternatives to mastectomy surgery with equal survival rates, at least among those with breasts, as those without often don't detect it early enough. Some find emotional comfort in not seeing a reminder in the mirror, others find social relief by not looking dramatically different in public. Although several do the cloth forms for the same reason Emma spoke of, either early after the surgery during the healing process, or permanently if the scars are sensitive. There are a scattered few I know of that use the forms that give you one extra size and fit over your breast, but without exception the ones I know are extremely vain and unable to afford implants, as it's quite hot and uncomfortable to wear them around the breast. I have to wrap my equalizer cutlet in cloth, or I get a nasty skin rash from it personally. Nikki once asked if I'd be willing to play around with them for fun time, and I was like NOPE, not getting massive rashes for that. Wisely dropped the issue. Nikki is fortunate that the irritation and heat doesn't do much to his skin beyond somewhat irritating sweat that can just be wiped away as needed, and can use them for long periods when girl mode lasts a while. If he had my skin, it would be truly ugly. He prefers the forms for the sense of weight in addition to the shape I believe. And I think he likes that i can use them to prop my head up when we're watching a movie, more realistic feel than a cloth set that would just sorta go down like pillows if I tried that. When he's in girl mode I still go outta my way to physically interact like I did when I was dating women for the small moments, and I don't think that would work with cloth, so another reason I'm glad he can use forms, he gets more outta it. Sometimes I think I go overboard trying to hard, but he says it makes him happy, so I'm not gonna get an Emmy, but I have a happy spouse. I wonder if some of the cancer victims also find that comforting? I'm not sure how I would feel about it if I ever pop a positive on that and it becomes an issue. I suspect it would be cloth forms for me due to my overly irritable skin. I'm also not sure how well I would adjust to a massive physical change like that, I'm clumsy. Even being on crutches when I twisted my knee and bound around my waist so I couldn't bend after abdominal was dramatically crazy for me until I healed, I injured myself and Nikki in the goofiest ways trying to adapt. I do know a girl who had a double, and she loves it(had massive back issues, and was considering reduction once she'd saved enough), but she did tell me there was a balance learning curve after the surgery.

Update: It was really weird seeing my house listed. But now the actual reality of it selling has started, so here's hoping this part goes quickly and peacefully.

I have to admit, after just trying to find space in the fridge around hoarder mom's stuff that she forgets she buys and doesn't eat, this part going quickly has an appeal both in the Band-Aid take my home fast sense and the OMG MY OWN FRIDGE AGAIN! We changed our entire diet too. We've been pretty firmly on the DASH diet eating plans, and at least relearning how to cook has given me something to do. And a sense of moral superiority because I'm doing something other than sitting around complaining of aches and pains and the costs of medication. X_X

​It's done. By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed. It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever. I'm not surprised, I have learned I really hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted. So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks. There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want the house enough to pay us. Meh. I will give it this, MUCH easier paperwork wise to sell a house than buy one. I asked ​the realtor what paperwork we needed to gather to bring to closing, and apparently nothing. Title agency does all that for us, we just have to show up, sign our name six times (as apposed to what felt like six hundred at closing to buy) and we're done. No 80 millions trips all over town trying to gather things and turn them into the bank. Of course, then we have to go through the buying process again. Yay.

I hear you on the changes! I'm going to turn 46 soon, but am starting to notice more and more things, one of them also being eyesight. I really need to make an optometry appointment once I get things settled down (In the middle of a complicated life trajectory change my spouse sprung on me, Nikki likes suprises. LOL). I'm very sorry about your loss, and happy to see you are embracing your new life changes and making them work for you!

I've been gone a long time, I'm sorry! Got ​really sick, found multiple causes, and started addressing them. One of them was our diet, and Nikki and I are living on the DASH diet as best we are able to right now. It's hard when you are staying at someone else's house (our repairs and slave labor to the house should be done tomorrow, and it should be listed within the week. That took FOREVER!). It helps that Nikki really loves my cooking, and has been visibly on the same page with me when my mom started trying to sabotage our efforts to get healthier. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's been a struggle while we're staying here. I can't sell that house and buy a new one fast enough. My mom needs me to stay sick and not be able to improve my health and life so that she can keep telling everyone that all her weight and diet induced illnesses arent' her fault. And when I started getting better, so started the pressure to each junk food and salty things again. I resisted though, and Nikki has been great backing me up. It's kind of empowering to realize that I don't have to turn into my mother, that I CAN be successful after all without bariatric surgery (which I was ready to sign on for, but my insurance doesn't cover, and neither did my savings account!) and hopefully will continue to succeed going forward. (If you have hypertension issues, and want to address them without medication in a real not-creepy-anti-science food culty way, I can't recommend DASH For DUmmies enough. It explains how the science works, the research that went into it, how to shop, set up your kitchen, and a variety of starter recipes). I'm still taking my meds, but doctor thinks she's going to take them off once we're back in our own home and the stress of dealing with my mom is removed. I'm a bit stressed out. Nikki has been really great working on the prior issue I wrote here about about not backing me up and being on my page. I can't say enough how awesome he's been about it! I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with the last four months of illness and mom crazy if I still felt all alone like I did back then. I think I'm flirting with depression, and maybe had slipped quietly all the way in for a while when I really sick, but the dash changes having improved how I feel dramatically on a day to day basis is helping me climb out of it. ​So we have our eye on a house if ours sells and no one else snatches it up, but if they do, there'll be other houses. ​I'm sorta stuck on a fireplace, so I did my due diligent Bree researches how to safely own and operate a fireplace. I have learned a great deal about wood, chimneys, laying out the wood for a fire, storage, how to tell a good wood supplier and chimney cleaning profressional from a bad one, and I'm ready to spend a snowy winter's evening cuddling on the cough with Nikki making Smores! I'm ready, so Nikki said okay, we'll prioritize a fireplace. WOOHOO! Aside from my health, Dash has propelled me thirty pounds lighter and I fit in clothes I haven't worn in years! Nikki too, but for once I lost more because Nikki cheats at work and lunches at fast food. I got to see his office environment, and if my last job had been that nice and calm I would still be working! But I like my housewife life. And ​I spend a great deal of it working on increasing our variety of food and compliance with Dash. Salt is the enemy! I was the average American, and WAY overdosing on the stuff. It just never percolated how dangerous it can be in those amounts for me before. Life goes in waves like the tide. But I came out of this down cycle with a long term plan to address my physical issues, and several new coping mechanisms for emotional ones, and I can finally see that at some point there will be an end to this weird "I have a roof, but I feel homeless" limbo. We basically have a bed in a tiny room, and a corner in the sunroom where the laundry is, and that is our entire plot of "our space" here. It will be lovely to move back into our own place! Sell quick little house. I will really miss you, but gotta go. And supposedly one glass of wine a day is good for your heart too. So...bought a cheap bottle of red and I'm going to try to overcome my aversion to alcohol like I did my aversion to broccoli, pepper, and cauliflower in the last few weeks. It promises to taste like a cherry cupcake. I somehow disbelieve. I'm done rambling now. Tell me about any adventures I missed while I was gone!

The thing with being a constant cheerleader vs. being real is...you present a false image of perfection that other people believe in and wonder why they can't achieve. I firmly believe showing both the good and joyous as well as the down sides does far, far more good for others. There is great comfort in knowing that we are not alone that things go wrong in life, and we're not along in our negative feelings as well as pour positive ones, and we're not along that it's hard. I think only ever being positive and happy is too easy, to unreal and unattainable, and actually potentially damaging to people who wonder why they can't attain that endless perfect happiness. Don't be so hard on yourself. And one overriding theme I have learned about in my 'what is this all about' is that the entire thing is living authentically. Authentic isn't always good. It's real. ti's up, down, hard, easy, joyous, sad, frustrating, hopeful, it's the whole package. There will be time to be excited about the future after you've had a chance to settle your feelings. A divorce is a huge thing, even for people who want it. Endings are never what we think they will be, and we always have to process our feelings about them. And there is a world of difference between what we think it will be and we will feel and what actually happens. You did the best thing you could do. You got dressed up, you went out, had as much fun as you could, and it's okay if you don't feel super happy right now while you're processing. Some days will be amazing, some will be sad, but you have to just feel your way through them to get the full human experience. Dont' beat yourself up about what you think you should be feeling, just feel what you do and do the best you can with it! ​Fighting the blue feeligns in my experience just makes it worse. Talking them out and pushing through them worked for me, just find what works for you and go for it! *hugs*