Briannah

So I need to start going through my house every coupla years and just looking at the stuff that is lying around/saved somewhere. I have saved some really useless junk over the years. Anyone remember the Isle of Lost Toys from the old Christmas specials? Apparently we are running the Sanctuary of Lost Cords. Which of course Nikki won't let me throw any of those out because we might need them some amorpheous day in the future. Fine, he let me throw most of the rest of the junk out, and we can do a great device to cord matchup event when we settle to be sure what is junk beyond doubt I guess. It really is amazing the accumulation of things in an average life. We're not shoppers, we go outta her way to not do that. We're not garage sale hounds, or antique hunters, or any sort of real collectors of anything. I can only imagine how much more stuff people who enjoy those things either have to dispose of often or build up. Well, back to work. At least until the Cheeto declares everything in the country as his. I'm surprised that man hasn't tried to pass an act yet that he owns everything and we have to pay rental on our things. After the pay to have them in the first place, of course.

So I just saw photos of St. Maarten after Irma passed through. On top of the horror for those people, there is this creepy feeling. I was there, in March, with Ashe. We lounged on a beautiful beach, we had lunch at this awesome open air restaurant right on the beech and iguanas joined us for the lunch, there was a drive through the beautiful now underwater streets. It just feels weird when it's somewhere you have been. Like when I see flood photos from the one we had here. It's not a feeling of extra bad, it's just oddly disorienting to me and I have no idea what my brain's issue with it is. I looked at the livestreams on Key West, another place I've been and enjoy watching on cam when I'm far away, and it's just so eerie to see how deserted it was. Also reassuring that the people have gone to safer ground on the mainland. The storm has not yet hit key west, but the winds are already amazingly and unusually loud on the cams that have sound. I can only imagine what it will be like when the actual storm hits. There was a collection truck near the Kroger's by us collecting for Harvey, and I found myself wondering how long til it's for both. And then I further wondered how bad it's going to be. I remember how bad Katrina was, with the Fema director really nepotism-based friend of bush's and no clue how to actually handle a disaster, and Harvey is in two separate states, with Irma barreling up to take on a third state. I'm not really confident our current dysfunctional government is going to handle this well. And I'm not sure what is going to happen to the insurance companies. They function based on the idea that these massive disasters are few and far between, and it hasn't really been all that long since Katrina. I also worry what else the Caribbean is going to shoot up our way before the end of storm season. And Houston/Harvey is also a glaring warning of another issue that I fear people will ignore. A group of scientists warned them they were paving over too much grassland several years back, explaining that it was going to magnify flood issues in the city. They were ignored, the grassland was paved over because "what do you science guys know" and now they are paying for it. New Orleans kept trying to get federal aid to fix the aging levees prior to Katrina, and were ignored. Safety and infrastructure have fallen by the wayside in favor of legislating morality and corporate profits in my opinion, and it's only going to get more dangerous as time goes on. ​ I really worry for the future generations. Heck, I worry what is going to happen in the next forty or so years while I'm still here.

Today we are both broken, exhausted human beings. I injured my ankle but good, so I'm limping around like a lame horse, but we got a LOT done. We also during the packing and moving process took a hard look at the things we own and got rid of at least a third of it all, maybe half, it's hard to judge when it's all in a pile of boxes vs, in it's normal position around the house. It does seem like less boxes than the last move though. And the couch isn't in great shape anymore, it was a cheap couch that lasted like 10 years, so we jettisoned that too and will just save up to get a nicer one after we move. We have plenty of really comfy folding camp chairs and zero gravity lounges we can put in the living room until we find one we like. I also see how many of my bad habits came from my childhood, normalized permanently into me. I can't ever undo that, no matter what people say. Our life experience is our life experience and it colors who we are and how we are in the world. What I can do is learn to identify it and control that part of me instead of being controlled, and having far more success learning better ways and keeping to them. I can see how a thing is better, and normalize that into my brain too so I consciously have choices and make them. 45 and I'm still figuring it all out. Grandpa told me I'd never stop learning til I die when I was very young and frustrated with school because if felt like it was just reiterating and they'd taught us everything, and he taught me a new thing to prove it. I think he also cemented the ideaology of learning on my own outside the system into my subconscious mind that day, where beforehand I had been socialized by both family and school system that school was everything and anyting not included wasn't important (ah, the 70s elementary education system). Thanks grandpa for saving me from myself. ​ He was literally the best, most caring, and most nurturing parental figure in my life. I wish his life hadn't been cut so short, I really would have liked him to meet NIkki and see me finally get my life together. ​ I guess I should go back to cleaning, sit down break is over and time to test the ankle. And Nikki might want to eat at some point, and right now I'm the only person here who knows where any of the food is. I'm important! LOL

From my experience after Nikki finally came out to me, there was a long period where everything was constantly different, and typical was a think of the past, but now a year and a half later, typical has reasserted it just looks different than it did before. However, that doesn't HAVE To be true. It's true for Nikki and I because we are both at our core creatures of habit and homebody types for the most part. I know friends who live everyday like a new adventure, in truth, not just a platitude, and 'typical' for them means doing something they've never tried before. If you like your old sense of typical, it will come back. If you didn't or like the new one better, it's yours for the taking! And with the modern age of internet, you can literally find anything you want out there, from toys of childhood (hides her Ebay spending on My LIttle Ponies, nothing to see here!) to full transgender specifically designed altering items from wigs down to shorts with a silicone vagina (I have seen things on the internet helping Nikki figure out what things he does and doesn't want!) to illegal things we won't discuss, but the point is you can find ANYTHING you can imagine, you just have click a few things on google. Get out and explore girl! Monica is completely right. I have a few, but they are from my anime cosplaying and more effort in hallloween than my current lazy rear end puts into it days. I will admit I have put some thought into getting a really high end green one that I don't have to keep touching up my hair since they don't make permanent green dye, but my natural hair is hot and summer reminds me I might not like wearing one all the time. Nikki wasn't interested in them at all, has plenty of hair he just has me do it on girl days and days I want to practice a new hair idea on (I find it easier to master on someone else's head before trying it on my own where I can only see half of what I'm doing, and he gets a kick outta doing the girls day stuff with me). Now my ex-mother in law once had a massive emotional breakdown because I once accidentally saw her without her wig. You'd think I just murdered her youngest child in front of her or something from the other the top reaction of me coming home an hour earlier than I was expected and seeing her without it as she was in the kitchen. (I lived there for less than a month, you can imagine why!). Then there was a hissy fit of how was she supposed to be able to supper herself and my brother in law without the rent money I was paying(on a place she'd been living for three years before I MET my ex-husband, and the three years before I married him). Apparently wigs are nearly a sacred item for some people, regardless of the cause for them wearing them.

So things are starting to happen faster now. We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house. (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16). And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it. Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really. Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house. Old house is nearly empty, just a bit more to pull out and then it's painting time. We're still waffling on whether or not to fix the damaged laminate. New car is working out great, old main car is doing great, old secondary car is going to the scrapyard, the costs to fix the brake issue and make it sellable are higher than we could sell it for. Bummer, some extra money would have been nice. It's kinda weird being here again. I lived here with Grandma, my mom, and my son when I met Nikki. I had the downstairs basement finished room, although ever since the big flood it's impractical to use as a bedroom anymore. Which is a same, as it's HUGE and was lovely with lots of space. Only ever had to come upstairs to use the bathroom. I was the hermit Bree in the basement! Nikki's girl mode items are all packed away with a decoy tag, he's still very much closeted as far as our families go. Since he realized transition is not a path for him, dealing with our awkward families is a door he doesn't want to go through. As in most things (other than anything food related, do NOT EVER trust Nikki's judgement with food, trust me) I trust his judgement and respect his choices. And he pointed out I won't be at risk for giving myself a black eye again slapping myself with the breast form. (Didn't quiet get a black eye, but I did have a nice red mark from that oops. Why do they put it in such clingy plastic?) Nikki does have a nasty set of scratches across his back, so I've been teasing him he made a ghost angry that we're leaving. It sounds more fun than I think the cat did it while we were sleeping. I haven't had any really awful burning for a week, had one bad night last weekend, but it's been good since. Nikki's physical health is solidly great, and his dysthymia has been very much under control. He continues on his medication, but the improvements in our life have done wonders also. Once his job is less demanding (they're in the middle of some big changes that take a lot of hours from him) he's going to see about finding a new therapist in our target town and he can just go after work and then come home until we move. He has to start over anyway since his passed and then we went on insurance hiatus. He'd rather do it just once instead of twice. It's sorta amazing how far we've come since last years confusion and upheaval. ​I'm proud of us. Now I have to go continue trying to convince my elderly cat that moving was a good thing and that he should eat some of his food. Dog is loving the adventure of a new house (wish she would stop running full speed into doors though, she's traumatizing ME with her poor banged head) lizard doesn't care. Our lizard is too cool to care.

The answer to the question of do women change clothes often is the same thing as everything else, depends on the individual and circumstances. I rarely change once I'm dressed for the day, but stains and such sometimes derail me. Among my circles of friends some change for every little thing, and some are 'this is what i'm wearing, deal" among both genders. The idea that we change constantly is a historical leftover from the days or morning dresses, receiving dresses, afternoon dresses, and dinner dresses, and ball gowns, and so on that women constantly shifted through as social custom demanded. I'm glad I'm born now, it sounds exhausting. And some amount o the modern day stereotype that every woman can't figure out what to wear for an event and tries a bunch of outfits either in front of a mirror or cadre of friends as often seen on tv every time a female character has a work, date, or party type event continues the perception that we change constantly. And nothing wrong with the submissive personalities of the world! I firmly believe there is room for everyone, and the trick is to know oneself, both who we are and what we want, and then surround ourselves with people that allow us to be that and get the things we want. ​If you're already figuring out who you are and what you want, you're way ahead of a lot of other people.

Our handwriting is heavily influenced by our personalities from what I understand, but it's a myth that having nice writing is a female thing. Just ​as many of us write like dancing chickens dipped in ink. A freind of mine and I Have to e-mail each other, we'd never be able to read the handwritten ones! I'm so glad you're getting the things you always dreamed about! And I'm doubly glad that you had a clean bill of health on your throat! I'm always nervous when anything in the throat is off due to my families experiences (oh, how our life experience colors our reactions to everything!) I hope you have a smooth time with the hrt! Hugs! Enjoy that trip, enjoy exploring the great west coast, and send me photos of the amazing things you see on that side of the country! I would send you some from my side, but in all reality, it's corn fields. If you've seen one cornfield, you've seen all there is to see.

So doing much better. Yeah, that stupidly expensive Medcline wedge thing with the body pillow costs around $300, but WOW if you need some sort of sleeping wedge for a medical issue (I'm pretty sure apnea, copd, and some other conditions besides acid reflux benefit from the incline sleeping position) then I really really recommend this one. The wedge is pretty firm and holds you up well, and it has a 'stuffer' pillow so you can change which side you sleep on (the other conditions it doesn't matter, only acid reflux really needs it to be left). Also, don't get the cheater $220 version without the pillow to use your own, the candy cane shaped body pillow for the extra money is awesome. It's really comfortable, the top wraps around you and stays in place amazingly, and the long side trails down to go between your knees for a spine alignment support. If they can 'fix' this acid reflux and I can sleep flat again, I'm SO keeping this candy cane pillow thing. IT's that amazing. If anyone else here has my issues, this was completely worth the money, and going to pay for itself in a few months from the amount of medication I'm not buying now. So between the Gaviscon (works much better for reflux than the pink stuff, it really does not only neutralize the acid but creates a sort of foamy barrier that helps keep the rest of the acid in place) and the Medcline I'm doing MUCH better. I've stopped taking the Prilosec (lots of potential side effects with long term use) entirely, and in the last week only needed the Gaviscon once. I think I'm winning! Feels good to win, but man do I miss my garlic. I miss garlic more than I miss chocolate. I have a serious garlic bread craving going on, but I'm not brave enough yet. Food actually became scary. Will this make me burn? How little can I eat and still live so my throat isn't on acidfire? IT's a weird feeling to be scared of food. Not just nervous about calories or sugars, but actually frightened to eat at all. I'm told on a forum I persused by other people with the condition looking for control information this is a fairly common reaction for those who don't have it under control, and it will fade away again with time. You know me, research gerbil. Still going to see a doctor to talk about this when I can, find out if something slipped out of place inside, some sort of hormonal issue (it all started with that months cycle, I really hope this isn't gonna be a cycle thing or a menopause one, I am getting close to that age), or what. The websites all indicated even losing a couple pounds will lessen it, in my case I lost 15 and it got worse. So I have no idea how to take that. Maybe my stomach is just really mad and wants to digest me. On the state of the Nikki: He's genuinely happy with his job now. The utter lack of drama and actual ability to do his job and solve problems instead of just playing message tag with corporate people has done WONDERS. He's putting in some long hours right now, but they use completely different systems than his old job and he's learning what he needs to know to master it. It's amazing how much our life situations change how we feel and are. I think its' done as much for the dysthymic depression as the pills are doing really. so is having a more natural to his bio rythms sleeping habit. Having all of that together is really bringing him back to his old self. Which is doing wonders for us as a couple, and an education in how much when one spouse is not doing well it affects the other one, as I'm also doing dramatically better inside as a result of having a happy spouse again. He bought powerball tickets cuz the jackpot is huge, and turned and asked me if we beat the odds and won, would I still wanna go to Florida? And was all relieved when I said no, we'd just get a nicer house in new town than we could afford now because I can see how much he loves his job.​ But in 10 years it would be early retirement and this couple would be moving to my beloved Florida. ​So life is good, house feels like an unending pit of work to try to get it ready for listing (that has slowed down as a result of his hours, a lot of the stuff that needs done now is things he is good at and I just sorta maybe understand how), and we bought a new car that gets really good mileage for all the commuting (and both our current cars be old and tired). After much searching we found a good deal on a former rental car with only 17k miles on it. Yay! We did look into potentially getting a bridge loan and went to our credit union to crunch the numbers to see if we could afford to move now and just pay a higher mortgage until this one sells, but the first and only downside of using our credit union in our 15 year history with it cropped up, they only do home loans within the county. Car loans are statewide (so we were able to snag up our great deal, with was 25K less miles and $4k cheaper than any available in my town, everything in my town has a weird expensive bubble) but we can't get a home loan for new town. They offered us an equity loan to use as a downpayment to try to help, but managing THREE home loans at once seems...out of control. We're going to research options with commercial banks, but I doubt it will really happen and we'll probably just stick with the original plan of being trapped here til it sells. Hope everyone here is doing great and making all your dreams happen!

Thank you Chrissy. I'm on Prilosec, and it helps, but it's not controlling it. I discovered this liquid antacid called Gaviscon that I'm taking before bed, it supposedly created a foam in the top of my stomach to hold the liquid in as well as neutralizing the acid. So far it's helped tremendously, and I got my stupidly expensive wedge today, so here's hoping. ​ I had to give up chocolate, I am a very unhappy Bree. I like chocolate. Good to know that about ice cream, will avoid until I sort all this out. Thanks Emma! It might end up in a surgical situation, as I have a hernia issue that is probably related, so until there is insurance there really isn't much I can do but damage control. Nikki is still plugging away at ACA forms to see if we can't get help with that insane Cobra payment, and the lifestyle changes seem to be starting to take hold, today was a good day. Right now he's yelling at the computer, apparently it's hiding the place where he needs to input my passport info to prove I'm a citizen. Apparently aca has doubts about me or something. LOL At least Nikki is doing great. Loves the new job, is currently face deep in car shopping (our buick is about dead and the van is a bit old to be doing hour commutes, it's time) and working hard on the house and prepping for the upcoming move to my mom's. I'm having a bit of an odd reaction to that, it's the second longest place I've lived in my life, at just over 11 years. Apparently it's the longest for Nikki. But it's the first that wasn't a rental (that I'm old enough to remember anyway). Sleeping better, has pep again, and it's amazing how much getting out of a bad job situation can do to improve all aspects. Now if we can just sell a house and move to new town, life will be awesome. It wasn't easy, and I freaked out more than once, but the more it comes together the calmer I am. ​ It's nice to have my old happy Nikki back, that's the best part!

So. I'd been doing rather well mostly the last year or two medically, ever since that emergency surgery issue in 2015. So...Cobra for insurance between Nikki's old job and new job is $875 a month. We don't have that much extra money. We just don't, even with the really nice raise new job has afforded us. And of course, I develop a problem. My stomach acid is trying to digest the rest of me. Acid reflux gone crazy. *headdesk* I have to more months until there is insurance again. And I'm REALLY hesitant to scrounge up the money to go to the urgent care, for fear of what the senate is doing with the legislation and inadvertently getting a 'pre-existing condition' and having them repeal that protection and then I'm really in trouble. So in the meantime, trying to control it with life style changes as best I can. I just ordered a $300 pillow. Seriously. It's called a medcline, and if anyone else here has acid reflux, look it up and see if it's good for you. I'm a side sleeper, so sleeping on a wedge is a big issue for me. This medcline thing is a wedge, but it has a hole built in for your arm, which both holds you onto the wedge at night and comfortable gives your arm a place to go on the wedge, but also keeps you on the left side, which reduces the acids ability to escape. Now I have to wait for it. Changed my diet according to the recommendations, and it's slowing down the burning feelings, but this really sucks. Either way, it's a good reminder to myself to not get complacent about what they are doing with medical care laws. For me, this problem is temporary. For millions of retail and food service workers for example off the top of my head, this is every day reality. Someone asked me why I care so much the other day, when I have access generally. And this is why, because I can't imagine not having a reasonable end date to being able to get help, and then in two more months being able to. There is a real fatigue in following the political crazy, but it's important. Love to you all, and I hope you're all in good health.

Ya know, something triggered another thought and I saw this thread come back up. IS there a place for short term relationships, and the answer is, of course. There logically HAS to be. Because no one knows how long ANY relationship is going to last when they get into it. Whether you go into it with the intention of being short term or long term, relationships do their own things despite our best intentions. I've had them last everywhere from the first date, to a week, a few months, to nearly 20 years. I couldn't have predicted which was going to be what. Also, I cant' remember if I spoke of this or not, but I do know several people who are in long term committed relationships, who don't live together. They don't enjoy having other people in their personal space full time, so they just don't. They each maintain their own homes and lifestyle choices, and spend as much or as little time together as makes them happy. Some are monogamous, some are poly, but they all make their lives and relationships work for them. This is also an option to be considered for this situation. Living together is the 'norm' for dating relationships, sure, but it's not the only option and life is and always should be about personal choices and making our own lives work for us whatever that looks like.

As a couple: We're good. Our marriage is strong, and we've been doing a lot of study on interpersonal skills as well as how brains, both the male and female, work in social relationships. Some of our issues and misunderstandings cleared up from a really good Ted Talk about the role of hormones and physiological gender differences in the brain. We're learning to communicate better than ever, and when and how to have deeper talks. I'm super excited that Nikki landed a really good job the day after a different company made a really insulting payscale offer(literally a little less than standard entry pay for his field, but they wanted all his skills and experience to even apply, and wouldn't disclose pay til way late, they knew it was bad). That was messy. Current corporation Nikki works at for six more days is launching a massive reorganization of his department in a few weeks and STILL have not told anyone if they have jobs, where they have jobs, and what changes they can expect in their pay scales (if they get shunted to other departments, there can be significant reduction in pay). It's stupid and just another reminder that corporations really don't care about their employees in any meaningful way. And they're all surprised that Nikki is jumping ship. But this has led to us finally choosing where we're going to live once this place goes, and we have been spending freetime jaunting around chosen town getting to know it (well, he is getting to know the layout, my internal navigation is confused but I'm getting to know my choices even if my phone will have to tell me how to get to them). The town pool has two amazing looking waterslides that I plan to hit up next summer (hopefully my house won't sit on the market for years, crosses fingers) from time to time in addition to time in my own pool. The park is huge, got horribly lost in it. There is a house I'm eying, good price nice big house. Here's hoping, but I'm not getting attached, it's just one option. We culled my zillow list hard due to unsuitable backyards. The stairs I've whinged about came out amazingly. Epic pinterest success instead of a fail! Now we're working on painting things. Oh, the smell of paint. *gags* But having a direction and choices has been great for us both. This summer is not really cooperating with my pool, it's either really cool, or really astounding hot and storming like mad, and neither of us are into death in pool by electrocution as a great way to spend an evening. The storms are also making the yard crazy hard to maintain, so Nikki's been busy in our backyard jungle. We're struggling with mad mosquito craziness after several years of very little, vampire bugs are eating us. Nikki: Nikki has found confidence and comfort in himself despite continuing attacks on his state of being on the internet (the there is only binary male/female and if you move back and forth you're a liar sort) so Nikki's backed away from most things like that online. He's focusing on his art, new job, life changes, love of movies, and doing whatever he wants while working with his therapist to continue to control the depression and has found a lot of peace with everything. Some days it's full boy, some days full girl, most days a mix, but very very rarely is it a bad depression day if at all in the last several months. So he's healthy again, and that is what matters most. He's super proud to have gotten new job, which is both a promotion in duty and pay, and has been doing amazing work in the house. At this point his depression is well controlled and Nikki's been pretty happy. Me: Still fighting losing internal battle with the dismorphia and my family issues getting poked on a regular basis, but have regained my footing in my day to day life and my marriage. People sometimes seem to think of marriage as disposable in a very real way, and even if I don't go into full disclosure and just gloss it over with 'there were secrets and we're rebuilding' and let them think he cheated on me or whatever they read into that, they're all astounded that I want to fix things instead of bailing. And I think that is a partial factor of our societal marriage rates, but I like that we worked it out and all the secrets have been aired out and worked through. I did have a stupid where I agreed to too much change for my personality in too short a time frame ,but I am surviving this and the more direction there is to work towards the better I feel inside. My asthma has improved dramatically, so we are more and more active, and I expect it will further improve in new town, since it's about 90 miles south of here and well outta swampland. I'm super excited to go to a new place and just do new things with new people. My internal life in my house is wonderful, so next step is obviously to make the life outta the house match. : ) Edited to add: I'm really looking forward to getting away from Christmas decoration, lawnmower, and grill stealing neighbors and their creepy behavior> WOOHOO! That's where a lotta stress, communication, therapy, education, new friends, old friends, and sorting out the important from the fluff and fixing health issues has taken us. It's been a ride, and I'm happy so many people here shared in it and helped make it a bit softer on those bumpy tracks. *hugs to all*

I'm on my iPad and it's harder to type so forgive bad typing and weird syntax. Spent yesterday checking out target town and it was surprisingly awesome. The park is so big and twisty we actually got lost and it took nearly an hour and Nikki trying to drive on a pedestrian only path to find our way back out. Lol. The Victorian is a no go it has a five foot deep back yard. But the modern looking second house of which I have zero idea what style name to call it is in a lovely location and workable yard. It's been on the market six months so there is a chance it will still be there. Here's hoping. The Chinese food at the restaurant we tried for lunch wasn't bad either. Target town has hills I've been living on the flat pancake of the I feel a little more like Emma now and maybe this can be an adventure instead of crazy.

Hi Blue! it's been a crazy ride, but as things are slowly pulling together I'm doing better. I have had my disorders so long, and generally function around them so well, that I mostly actually forget they are there until I make a dumb choice like that and poke them hard and jump off the emotional cliff as it were. It's why I always try to have backup plans for my backup plans, it's a coping mechanism for the terrorizing panic attacks I'm prone to. Life, no one gets out unscarred. ​ I am eyeing a nice Victorian, it needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the price is low, but I'm a bit worried about the yard. The yard looks like it won't work, and that's non-negotiable. I'll live in a plain uncharismatic ranch with a gorgeous yard if I have to. LOL Nikki says maybe two months to having this place ready to list, and then once we find a buyer a huge chunk of the current stress will lift off. I have paralyzing freakouts that no one will want the house. Nothing will make that go away until we close on the house. Then we can focus on buying the next one and setting up for the new chapter of life. Closer to my friend N happily.

Oh you know, having a bit of a breakdown after I had to put down my Murder Kitty at only five years old. But ​Murder Kitty will not tolerate vet care, and while his condition was fixable, only with a LOT of constant vet care. No one at our clinic has ever seen anything like his reaction to them. So it was best to let him go quietly. Then I tried to keep busy working on the great life reorganization plan, and I realized the great life reorganization plan exists outside of theory and had a panic breakdown. It was a dumb idea on my part to agree to change EVERYTHING in my life at once. I have deep seated security issues, and this amorphous shapeless mass of a future crushed me. I should have known better. I got so focused on what Nikki needed, somewhere in the last four months or so I sorta forgot I exist. And my mom gave the only heirloom I ever wanted, that we fought over for years cuz she wouldn't even let me USE the dishes on holidays even though she never used them even once, to my cousin, and when I objected told me I'd never expressed any interest. SO much fun realizing you don't exist for your family unless your standing in front of them. But we're moving away sometime soon. It's better now though. NIKKI GOT A JOB! Yup, he leaves his current crappy one in two weeks, and is getting a raise and a more responsible position. And it's only an hour north of the city we wanted to live in, so tomorrow we're going to a small town that is exactly between his job and the city where we have friends and stuff to do, about a half hour either way, and see if we want to consider living there. The other option is a city north of his job that is bigger, but further from target city. So if we hate small town we have a fall back plan. I'm sorta excited to go check this place out. We still have to sell this house obviously, but Nikki's commute is only an hour until we do, and he's done longer commutes before. He's gonna have a normal m-f schedule again. Hooray! And his current job that is eliminating his department in like two weeks still hasn't even communicated what was going to happen to him or my best friend who works there, so the timing was LOVELY. I'm really happy for him, and me, and having a direction is giving that future a sorta shape. It's still all amorphous and scary, but it's starting to have a definite shape which is making me feel better. We're moving in with Mom in September until the house sells and we get a new one so we can offer immediate possession to the buyer and no stress trying to orchestrate the two transactions. But I'm not crying in the corner anymore, so I'm back on the internet. Missed ya!

*waves* Heya Emma! Lovely to see you looking happy and having a great time on the great adventure! And I firmly believe that waxing was created as some form of torture and they found cosmetic applications for it later. *laughs*

Having a crap week, and am going offline for a bit to sort it all out. ​ Last week I was feeling...odd. Especially late at night. Saturday night I felt really odd, and checked my fitbit, and had a crazy high pulse rate for laying down. 40 bpm above my usual resting rate doing nothing. So after goofling symptoms off the er I want, were I spent the next five ours waiting to find out if I was having a heart attack, pneumonia, viral infection, acid reflux onset, or a mineral deficiency (and those can be extreme, scariest medical moment of my life as a mother was a magnesium deficiency from the stomach flu where my son literally could not control his body or move on his own, scary ride to hospital, then once the blood panel came back a magnesium iv set him back to normal like magic!). So the winner is...acid reflux. So now I take Prilosec generic stuff (and omg what is with the fizzy cough syrup tasting coating on these things?). It must suck to be a doctor when five such varied causes all have the same symptoms really. Doctor was lovely, and I'm okay now. I'll still feel weird with the pulse rates for a bit, Prilosec stuff needs time to work. Then today Murder Kitty was acting weird, and wrong. So we took him to the vet, and came home alone. My five year old murder kitty is gone, and I'm trying to process. I always assumed this crazy cat would be there when Creed (15 and counting) and Alita (10 years old this summer, pretty old lady dog) went, and just outta nowhere he's gone. MAYBE they could have saved him this time, but he could have re-experienced the issue right away and faced a lifetime of vet care (which he REALLY does not do well with, he lost his mind as usual so bad they had to sedate him fully to even examine him to find out what was wrong) and we can't turn his life into an endless battle royal of endless home and vet medical care he just won't tolerate. So my Logan went to sleep. And I miss my cat. So everyone be well, I'm going to go sort through all the emotional turmoil of the week and focus on furthering my health and Nikki's mood, which is at an all time low after this week. I'll be back after things are better. *hugs for Emma and Monica on their new journeys!*

In my own personal dilemnas of this sort, I always ask myself "Would I be open and okay with these strangers coming over to me on vacation and bringing up this topic on the opposite side of my viewpoint?" and then usually go with my intenral response to the thought (and it's generally no, I don't want someone coming up to me on hot topics like religion or abortion for example on my vacation time wanting to educate me to their viewpoint). Things like this come up on a lot on the vacations Nikki and I like, large groups of people with varied veiwpoints and commentary, so I know why you want to.

Enjoy the grand adventure! I envy you that freedom to go wherever and do whatever! It sounds like a great grand adventure! If you ever make it around Ohio be sure to stop by and have dinner with us! ​ I'm glad that the worst is behind you and you have found peace with the changes in your life, and then excitement about what is to come next! *Hugs* May the road ahead bring you joy, laughter, and adventure! Beautiful photo in which you look ready to tackle the world! And I really really envy you the Minnie! Grandpa had a Minnie Winnie after he sold the pull behind Airstream, we had so much fun in that. : ) Mostly at Assateague Island and Indian Lake, but the where mattered less than the adventure. ​I miss that rv and all the silly fun we had in it.

Just spent the last hour having my hair painted with my favorite green dye to repair the damage from the sun, spa, chlorine pool, hot tubs, therapy tub, and sea on vacation. There was a girl with pink hair tipped in purple and me with my green, and by the end of the week she was completely blond again and I was almost there, with just the front part clinging to the green. Looked like deliberately done modern streaking through, so I was somewhat happy with that. It's really relaxing to sit around having someone painting on your hair, to be honest. Nikki wanted to try the brush technique instead of bottle and massage since that kind didn't go so well, although it did dye my computer room a lovely matching shade to my hair. LOL As expected from someone with painting experience, this went beautifully for both painter and paintee. And as it's drying it's coming out really well, I'm thrilled. The day is lovely too, it's a clear lovely day after a morning storm and around 83 degrees. YAY SPRING! Please stay spring, I'll be REALLY nice to you. Totally. I'm done with your sibling winter. Nikki's cold/flu thing continues, but he's in much better spirits with the better weather. Still only have a surprisingly light case of it myself, this is weird. Usually I fall pretty to germs and he doesn't. Once a few years ago a bug ripped through town, but targeted people with generally strong immune systems like Nikki and my bff but left those with weaker ones like me alone. It was weird, and this seems to be acting like that. Now I plan to spend the evening enjoying the scent of the Argan oil in my hiar (the dye uses it, smells really good) and killing things in my favorite mmo. Bring on the cyberenemies!

The stirrups are awful, and exceedingly akward physically in my opinion, it just feels like physical about to fall while all the bits are exposed to the world. Meh. And I have to be so careful just getting in them, I nearly fell off the table last time. Cuz you know, that was a great moment for my inherent clumsy to rear it's head and not embarrassing at all. LOL And all I can say is plastic speculums beat metal, they're not icicle-like. I'm so glad you are all healed up without crazy complications! So many scary stories about bacteria these days! Here's to a long and healthy new life!

SO it's my job to keep an eye on the housing market and come up with reasonable solutions for later, while Nikki full on job hunts and we work together on the actual physicality of packing and repairs. So...he'll give me a city he's found a potential job in and I yay or nay based on housing prices. But now I have looked at so so many that they have blended into one insane, nightmare of a house riddled with water damage, hideous pink bathrooms, strange flora outside that looks like it want to eat me, and weird inexplicable THINGS I can't identify that my brain hurts. I am dreaming of bizarre and ugly houses now. And, of course, getting lost in them. I do have to say though my unconscious mind comes up with some awesome floor plans, that I can never remember when I wake up. Cosmetic damage I can handle, water damage makes me really leery of getting involved. You never know how that will play out long term in a structure. Although in the one house I am legit confused how the dining room, in the middle of the house with no logical exposure to any of the piping whatsoever, looked like an aquatic bomb of some sort went off in it. And the rooms above and to the sides are fine. Just that one room. Did they run a fountain or something in there??? And what exactly is the deal with people feeling the need to put a weird little wrought iron fence next to the door inside the house? It just looks goofy. And don't get me started on what I mistook for a stripper pole but realized was actually some sort of duct pipe from the basement to roof through both stories, that was odd. One house had columns just hanging from the ceiling, like creepy wooden stalactites, but not touching the floor. I assume a base has somehow gone missing, that's all I got. One looked like a crime scene happened and never got cleaned up. And Ohio has a truly terrifying love of the pink, yellow, pink AND yellow, and yellow and hideous green bathrooms. And none of them done well, my eyes. But unless I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow, I'm going to have to keep my eyes on potential 'this can be fixed down the line'. I do draw the line at a pink bathroom though. Just no. And really just no to the one that wasn't the usual pastel bathroom pink, but some bizarre neon pink-magenta horror that I think should require the realtor person to offer sunglasses to show the house, or at least a warning incase buyers didn't look at the photos. And now we're in full on debate of the pool. I get Nikki's point it's a lot of work if the house sells quickly to have put it up and then take it back down. However, I also kinda feel it selling quickly is a sorta pipe dream and I don't want to be slowly baking away all summer either without my pool retreat. One of those utterly stupid decisions you don't really know what the right one is til afterwards. We don't have central air, only have small window units that sorta work in the computer room and the bedroom, so the pool is the main source of cooling down. A quick dip in the water makes the summer heat feel reasonable for several hours at a time. And our town pools have become ragingingly expensive. So Nikki met new therapist, and reports that she's easy to talk to and he's happy with her, so that is good. There's also hints that one on one therapy is winding down, on a monthly schedule now that most of the big issues have been worked through. So maybe it's time to consider marital counseling. We've been unable to work out some differences on our own, and it's really getting frustrating this 'whatever you want' and then getting mad about what I decided to do ongoing behavior. And I TRY To find out what Nikki wants, but there is a real in ability to ever tell me he wants anything or offer up some kind of opinion to work with. Personally, I think either he really truly has no internal wants or needs or his antidepressants aren't high enough to overcome the mental fog yet. I can't tell which. Can you sorta...hollow out after a few years of depression and just not come back even with treatment and meds? I don't even know if my expectations are reasonable or if I'm wanting crazy things, but I'm tired of driving the bus and everything falling to me to decide other than a few big gesture choices (which how they happen then ends up to me to drive the bus on, even his part of the job hunting I've had to start helping out and scouring the net and e-mailing a list) versus a partnership I know I'm the research gerbil, but either help me out a little or get me some carrots at least. And yes, you better believe we have this conversation clearly, and often. I'm not the wife type who whines to everyone but her spouse and then wonders why things don't get better, I tackle it first with him and then brainstorm for ideas/reality checks/empathy/wisdom/whatever comes my way. I tried refusing to decide and waiting until he did some of it, but literally nothing happened but some tv watching. For two weeks. Till I couldn't take it anymore. I hate tv. ​Sorry, venting before I explode at my spouse I guess, unless someone has some useful advice, I'll make you cookies. ​ Have tried talking to him with every tactic I could think of, refusing to do it, trying to engage him in every step, just doing it myself, trying to get him to talk about it with his therapist, I got nothing left other than joint counseling it feel like. But only after he's really done with his single, cant' float two bills right now. ​ And you know, insurance companies don't value counseling like people do. I'm going to try to get some sleep now and snuggle up with my cat. My cat probably makes neon pink bathrooms less ugly, he's a pretty cat.

Glad to know my bizarre and storied dating history is finally useful to someone else besides me (It helped me tremendously build a life with Nikki having sorted out what I wanted and how to relate to others). I was raised on the you'll know what to do when it's time ideology. Only... I didn't. I had no freakin' clue. I didn't know how to manage a relationship, I didn't know how to diaper a kid, I didn't know how to budget, I didn't know how to leave a relationship (or even know when I SHOULD at the beginning). I still got here, but sometimes I just look at my family and shake my head as they congratulate themselves on how well they did 'raising me' and lament how often I didn't listen. LOL Then I realized that a LOT of people have this weird idea that it's not okay to talk about a lot of things, and then weird ideas form around those things, both individually and culturally. If I could get one wish for my society it would be for that society across the board to start realizing life is individual, and it's okay to talk about and share that individuality and learn from each other instead of judging each other. Would make SO many issues easier.

In my personal experience (which has run both ends of the spectrum, from insane what was I doing to hey I have my love stuff together!) I have learned one thing, there is no perfection. There is no standard, no ideal, and no repeatable experiences. Each one is unique, each one teaches us something, and most are worth having. The ones that are harmful can still yield positives, but I can't bring myself to say they were worth having. And this is from someone who got her son out of one, it's complicated in my head sometimes. I think in a lot of cases that one of our great societal problems is the concepts of short versus long term relationships in the first place, that one is 'good' and one is 'bad'. You are asking yourself if you are selling yourself short by considering this, which indicates to me you have some lingering unresolved internal conflict with the choice that you need to resolve inside before you embark both for your sake and your partners. If you aren't going into this openly without dealing with that feeling, it has a real potential to eat at you and the relationship. Or I'm over reading into your post. Also, realistically, no one can tell if a relationship is going to be long or short. Unless we want to go back to the random lottery of arranged partnerships, the whole reason we date at all is to explore and analyze the potential. I've seen people stay in ridiculous relationships because they have some sort of weird concept of 'wasted time' or 'refusal to fail' instead of realizing they're continuing to waste time in a relationship that is failing them . I have no idea where this behavior comes from, but it seems unhealthy and pointless to me. On your con list, several of them are unrealistic cons. NO ONE isn't gassy, literally no one. It's a byproduct of human digestion, we all area. Live-together couples deal with it. Just we have this weird social taboo so no one realizes how bad it is for everyone, and things they are somehow weird or unpleasant to be around. No ones bathroom products smell good either. You just deal with the little inconveniences of life when living with someone. Nikki is awful in both those, wouldn't give my Nikki up, I just open the window a lot after one of us has been in there. ​ Some Febreeze helps too. Most people are more set in their ways than we realize, compromise is not an innate talent it's a learned skill, and there is nothing wrong with trying to find someone with a similar set of ways to reduce the amount of compromise. The allergies and finances are more 'real' hurdles vs. feelings you have about yourself that make you hesitant in my opinion, and the best advice I can give for that is be open and upfront if you hit the point where short term may look different. WEll, maybe prior to the first date with the allergy part, but the finances can wait. But ​health issues that can trigger on a date such as cat lady covered in cat hair at the date could be an issue. But I clearly hear your desire to retain independence. But I do ask have you spoken with someone in your disability office to ask how a marriage would affect that? I know a lot of people on various disability who are married, but I'm not up on the laws. I am NOT trying to force you to change your feelings on anything, just giving my honest take on the list that you can do what you want with my thoughts. No ​one has to be permacoupled to be happy, but some of that really is normal for the course and not a barrier and I just wanted to be clear. Short term relationships aren't bad. There is nothing wrong with enjoying them, and getting to repeatedly enjoy the thrills and highs of new people and relationships. Society frowned on it for a long time because it didn't fit with the model of what they wanted, but monogamy is a social training in us, not a natural evolved instinct. It was a solution to various issues over history, and remains in place as a tradition, but the only way to be 'wrong' in choosing to have several relationships over time (or even at the same time) is when lying is involved to the partners. You are settled, in a good place in your life, and just want some companionship/romance, enjoy all the short term relationships you want. LIfe is too short not to enjoy things. And if you find it's not your cup of tea after you've tried it, then you can always re-evaluate your choices and options after. You won't know if it fulfills the niche in your life or makes it worse until you start exploring. Go for it, see how it works for you. You can stop at any time if it's not, you're not selling yourself short at all, and it's always better to try for happiness and it not go right than to not try at all.

So I was warm for something like 11 days. 10 really, the second day of the drive home was cold and insanely rainy and foggy depending on where we were. Managed to not fry my skin or drown in the spa. Seriously, that was nearly a thing. We got the spa access package this cruise which we never do, but Nikki's injured back benefitted greatly. So we tried new things. Here's how that went, feel free to laugh. ​1) Heated Ceramic Loungers - big ceramic lounge chairs designed by a chiropractor to help align your body properly and they are heated from within. Being hard ceramic covered in pretty shimmery tiles sounds rather uncomfortable, but holy cow those were comfortable. And warm. So this only went a LITTLE wrong for me, as in...got stuck. They are easy to get onto, but weirdly hard to get back off. You have to push up in a weird way and the first day I couldn't figure it out. Of course Nikki rescued me, laughing like a crazy person. And mid week I might have fallen asleep and had to be woken up as I was snoring rather unfortunately. ​ Other than that they were easy to use, and I realized while I can't quite recreate the chiropractic curves to force the alignment at home, I can take a heating blanket on the recliner and recreate the lounge/heat effect for sore backs at home. So that's a win. Really did end up loving these warm comfy trap couches by the end of the week. Nikki hates the heating pad, even with the cover the plastic part under it somehow makes the skin sweat a lot, and it moves around constantly, so I think this might be a better solution with the blanket/recliner. 2) Dry Sauna - what it sounds like, a sauna room with no steam. There was a little fountain emitting the pleasant running water sounds nad pretty. The benches were the inner heated ceramic covered in shimmery tiles like the loungers, but shaped like normal benches. The room was VERY warm and nice. And you didn't have to be in a swimsuit to use this one, so it was nice after walking in the winds on the promenade. Getting out was easy, just go through the door. Until you realized the the door makes a dying walrus scream in the quiet lounger room and everyone is not glaring at you. Really like this, and am aware it's possible to have one in a home, so must look into costs on this thing. I might actually like one. 3) Steam Sauna - Pretty much what you expect, but holy cow those were wet. So very very wet. It really felt like you were drowning trying to breath. You could choose different scents for the steam by pushing some buttons, but I was too busy trying to get oxygen in with all the water in the air. I thought maybe it was an issue with my lungs from the asthma, but Nikki has no such compromising damage to his lung tissue and he couldn't breath either. So we are apparently not steam sauna people. The feeling of drowning while sitting on pretty shimmery tiles with a pretty lovely sounding flower fountain was really disconcerting. On the plus side, the door was quiet to this. No steam if I ever do get a sauna in my house, just no. No more steam. Another cruiser later said her spa gives you chilled wet washcloths for your face and that helps with the breathing thing, but I don't think I would like my face being covered like that. I'll stay dry. 4) Jungle shower. So I paid for access to this stuff, I was gonna try it. What could go wrong? This was a shower in a circular wall of that pretty shimmery tile on just about everything else in this area, you're inside a column with part of an arc missing for a door. You shower in your swimsuit, no doors. There's a soothing green light in the top. SO I'm in the warm shower, and notice there are buttons. So what could go wrong? I push the first button, and woosh! A monsoon of cold water in the middle of my cozy warm shower. I shriek because I'm that started and leap out, Nikki thinks I've burned myself, and busts out laughing when he realizes I just ran away from a little cold water. In my defense it was a LOT of REALLY cold water. So there is a second button, and now I'm really wary, but I push it anyway. Maybe it's the warm jungle rain right? Nope. A whole bunch of little hidden nozzles drench me in icy cold fog. So I am definitely not a jungle shower type of person. Silly me thought maybe the buttons did light shows in the top, or jungle sounds or something. Maybe aromatherapy jungle orchid scents or something. It shoulda been called the surprise arctic shower. 5) Hydrotherapy tub - this is a big tub, 3'9" deep, with water heated to the body temperature and filled with calcium and sea minerals. There are three sections. The first is a tall pipe you stand under, and it forces water in a flat sheet down on you, good for shoulders, neck, and back. That went reasonably well, until the boat shifted suddenly and I got a face full, but easily corrected. Then there is a metal circle in the middle with a small opening to get inside it, and what looked like a steering wheel in the middle that you apparently grab onto and hold. The whole area works like a hot tub, with energy saving buttons, so as I was entering the metal circle in the middle of the pool it all shut off and Nikki went to push the button. So I can see the buttons starting up from the holes in the floor in the metal circle, and I'm ready for bubbles. Spa lady said this part was good for legs and hips. Great, I have hip issues. Bring it on! Well, it did come on. This REALLY strong bubblestorm rises up, and swirls around the metal circle. I was on the far side from the start point, so I had a moment to contemplate this frothing mass coming at me. Then it hit, and I was standing at some weird angle and managed to force all that frothing bubblestorm not to my hips, but strait up my body and into my face and I'm drowning myself standing up in a tub that only is a little over my waist. Only me, honestly. And before all these facial dunkings I had tied up my hair to keep it dry, that was funny. NOw I look like a drowned rat with a crooked, odd updo. ​But...once I figured out what I was doing wrong and altered my stance, it really did do wonders for the legs and hips. Wish I had one of these things at home! So now it's time to try the last part, this 'couch' of metal tubes (so the bubbles can come through) that puts you in a reclining position in the heated water. Remember, I'm clumsy. I managed to bang up my happily bubble massaged legs, hips, shoulders, and head trying to get on to this thing. But I did finally get in position, and was less impressed. So I just did the first two, and then sorta free floated in the water loosely outside the metal circle of face water attacking, because I cannot even tell you all how much that calcium and sea minerals did amazing things to our skin. I had never felt skin so TOUCHABLE. So very very touchable. So I was sitting at dinner probably freaking people out around me by petting my own arm in awe. So...I think it was more or less a success. The ​treatments helped Nikkis back a lot, and I managed to use them without killing myself or ending up permanently trapped by them. Which is kind a major victory for me. WOOT! So now I'm going to look at our local spa options and see what sorta lounger/sauna/tub options they have. They can keep the jungle showers though. But I was heated, relaxed, steamed, watered, and massaged within in inch of my life. We possibly overused the stuff, but it was kinda addicting and easy to get to on a ship with the spa just a short elevator ride up. It was on our side of the boat! I have to figure out something to do with my hair though. All the pool, spa, and seawater stripped out the dye really fast. It's hard(so far impossible) to find permanent dye in the shades of green I favor, so I'm thinking getting a clear cassia (jic sorta like henna, doesn't chemically alter the hair but wraps it in a sheath of clear protection that slowly washes out) after I use the semi-permanent dye to protect it for a few weeks against being stripped out by the pool this summer. I used to use it when I was younger, it made it incredibly shiny and soft, but stopped when I moved here as it's not easy to find locally, but I have located several online options. Meanwhile, must hit the supply store tomorrow to get more green. Side note: The current one I'm using has argan oil in it. So I got a bottle of leave in conditioner with this argan oil (after I looked it up on Wikipedia to even know what this stuff is) and I'm totally a convert. Argan oil is amazing for hair. It won't work crazy miracles, but it has done wonders detangling my cotton candy hair and dealing with the bleaching damage. Supposedly it also helps strengthen hair, but I don't have a lotta breakage issues so I can't really tell. On Nikki it's done wonders reducing his somewhat unmanageable frizz into soft smooth waves. I'm often late to the party on these things, but in case I'm not for once I wanted to share.