Briannah

As of August 31st I'll be going back to being a house turtle for Nikki. Just knowing there is an end has lifted a lot of the stress of it all. On top of my add issues and everyone thinking I'm stupid, there is a lot of bias because they're all Christians and I'm an atheist (something I did NOT introduce into any conversations, but my supervisor who is also my aunt did), I'm a liberal in a conservative group (same deal, I had no need to discuss things at work, but she apparently felt the need to announce my views for me), and there was an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker when I had finally snapped everyone should be treated equal and he said he bet I was the type to believe you could be born in the wrong gender too. This was just before I found out about Nikki, and after finding out it's just really uncomfortable for me on every level there is, from actual work only where it's so disorganized and unstructured I never get anything right to the social aspect of it. And I still feel like everyone judges me for not being better at it, for giving up and taking over the home things and letting Nikki deal with earning a living, for whatever. It's so socially trained in me that I have some sort of duty to do something 'productive' by everyone else's standards that now there is a sort of internal shame struggle that makes no real sense. I suppose it comes from being out of step with everyone else my whole life, I just automatically assume everything I do is wrong on some level. Nikki has been great about it, and keeps reinforcing how important it is to him that I"ll be more available to him. That helps. Sometimes I just make myself crazy. I'm torn between freedom from having to force myself to try to get it right and feeling like I'm letting everyone down. Gyah.

No no it's fine, my head just goes creepy places. The Transgender Day of Rememberance was a sobering reminder that for many transpersons it's like I was back then, and it ties together in my head. We Bree's have to look out for each other, right?

Thank you, I just feel so bad that I couldn't't find a place to give them better lives. If I had any doubts about the statistics of feral vs. household cats before, they are gone now, I never see the same cats more than two years around here. I think the five year average is a bigger area figure, and in my area it's much smaller. We just had to dig the body of a less than two year old feral kitten we watched grow up through the windows in our back yard (it's privacy fenced, they like hanging out in it) out from under our computer room after the smell became noticeable. Mama cat has moved them, and they are off to face their short lives. : ( At least Creed and Yuriko were saved, even with her sad end Yuriko lived 14 years and had a busy cat life bullying the daylights outta our dog and her brother.

If you're wife needs someone to talk to, I'm not in the same boat as she is as at this point Nikki identifies as gender/fluid/crossdressing and transitioning is not currently happening, but I would be happy to listen and offer whatever support I can. I may not know all the feelings she is having right now, but I can still offer hugs and a safe ear if she would find that helpful.

​Thanks for your concern Briannah. Yes I am quiet ok in the sense of the word that you mean. We all have problems in this life, but being beat up isn't one of mine. ​Yeah, one of the reasons everyone here calls me Briannah is that Nikki made it quite clear horrible things happen and he doesn't want to be 'out' at this point because of that, so I got scared for you. I remember what it feels like to live with a monster in the house and not being able to defend myself, and no one should ever live like that.

I"m rather relieved, from the title I was expecting something...darker. I'm glad you're okay!

So. Since we both have tomorrow off, and I was feeling the joy of having time to get some things done, and its' a gorgeous day outside, we decided to clear off the porch of all the winter and home improvement debris that has collected on it. It was going well when we were moving the cardboard boxes off the porch to take to the van when we found...kittens. Yup. Six tiny little kittens about twice the size of a gerbil. Have I mentioned my neighborhood has a stray cat problem? So we called around, and the humane society's foster program is full, and the rescue has a $30 fee per animal, and I frankly can't afford a $180 bill for six cats that are NOT MINE. Both my cats are male, neither had kittens, and both have been neutered and i have the vet records to prove it. They are feral strays, but young enough to be domesticated, if someone would take them. So now I feel bad because the plan is basically let the mother take them and move them to a new location, and they will grow up and have more, and our neighborhood will continue to be overrun by feral cats living short, hard lives. The average lifespan of a feral cat is 5 years, compared one in a good home at 15 to 20 years. And they are young enough that they wnated to interact with us, and could be easily domesticated. I feel like I failed them, but there really isn't anything I can do. We literally cannot feed them every two hours like they need with our job schedules, so taking them in and finding homes for them when they are weaned to normal food isn't possible either. Sometimes there is no good answer. And of course Nikki is sad that I won't let him have the one that looks like Yuriko. But we have four pets right now, and we need to keep reducing the number, not growing it both for our financial changes and consideration of people who have to care for them when we travel. I still feel bad saying no though.

Writing that was hard. I tried to be overly articulate, and it was crap. I tried to write it like a report, and that was crap. Finally I just freeform wrote it, fixed typos, and e-mailed it without reading it over and over and judging myself. Writing it reminded me how scary a trip this all was, and also made me see how much progress I'd made. I"m not angry anymore. I'm still working on that full trust, but that takes time. Admitting to my fears and problems with the things people have said to me wasn't scary anymore, it was just, this happened to me. Do what you want with it. I guess I really am doing as well as I thought, and writing a 'here is my story' helps me see it. Off to bed now.

I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day. Must get my innards under control and soldier on. People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult. *headdesk* My timing, as ever, is incredible. Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on christmases and thanksgivings, Dengue fever on a cruise...if it's boring wednesday I have to work I feel great, if it's an awesome time to enjoy, sick as a turtle. MEh. *Slinks off to find some tums or something*

So I'm writing this one slowly, trying to gather the whole thing into a coherent narrative for Erica Ravenwood. Because when I was first struggling with my new reality, and it was scary and terrifying and I didn't know what was going to happen, I went looking for the stories of other people in my shoes. But...they were stunningly hard to find. And when I did find them they were usually stories told years later after a long period of painful adjustment framed in such a way as to show that marriages can survive gender reassignment and that 'leaving was not an option' for these partners. Which is good, important, but...where were the other stories? The ones like me that didn't know what was going to happen, what they wanted to happen, stories talking about the process of finding out and dealing with the secrets, the confusion, balancing our needs vs. theirs...during the time with all the flying emotions to help us feel normal and okay and have a direction where to go? I'm really grateful to Erica for inviting me to put my voice there too, it is validating to know that the partners matter also and our feelings and life experiences may help both sides of the relationship coins for others. So I tried to leave my voice on this site for others like me, and I will try to leave my voice on her site for people too. Not because I'm special, I'm really not, I'm just a girl who loves her husband, son, animals, and all turtles of the world. But because I'm not shy and I have no shame about any of this and think it should be talked about, and want to be there for the future Bree's to help them, and the future Nikki's. Because calm Bree was way more helpful to him than flipping out falling apart Bree was. Partner sections on transgender forums are SO quiet. I guess I dream that partners, both men and women, will realize it's okay to talk to each other and find support and answers and just camaraderie like our transgendered mates do on these sites. I think it would help partners a lot, but so many of us are almost trained to just suffer in silence when marriage isn't the perfect cultural model of it. To be honest, throwing out that 'perfect' cultural model and letting our marriage evolve around our two individual personalities, including changing how it functions as we age and our needs changes, is what made it work. We had a lot of talks before the wedding and after about defining what it would be for us, and dropping the cultural/media information about it, and we made a good go of it. I met Nikki May 20, 1998. Which was hilarious, as it was the same day of the year I met my first husband. Apparently that is my 'marriage day'. It's now 2016, and we're still going. Problems come, problems go. We get frustrated with each other, we support each other. We drive each other batshit crazy, we make each other supremely happy. The thing we don't do is be mean to each other, put each other down face to face or to others, or fail to prioritize us as a couple. We learn what to do and what not to do from the examples of others, and we know when those examples don't apply to us. Life is good, even with all it's uncertainties. Now if only I had some breakfast.

Just a hug. Life is messy, and we do the best we can.

Thank you Emma. Writing it out helps me sort out my feelings and what is actually going on in the chaos that is my head, I'll be mid-sentence and suddenly be all "Really? That's where I'm trying to go?" LOL So helpful. My thought patterns are so disorganized that I'm not always aware of all of them, and free form writing was one of the things Dr. Hollandt taught me then rereading what i wrote to learn from myself. It's amazing how well it works! I hope I don't come across as Nikki is bad in anyway, he's awesome. I'm just frustrated some days trying to manage his issues and mine at the same time and trying to dump the "I expect from a spouse behavior x" because there is no manual on being a spouse, each relationship is different and everyone behaves differently in a marriage.

Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earlier blog about being the partner sucks is only the beginning of what I'm starting to work through. Not only is there an expectation that your needs will go on hold, there is a social vilifying if you don't live up to it. People can and WILL call you selfish, evil, cruel, oblivious, and a whole host of other adjectives because you can't push the pause button on...being human. And even as good as I have it, there are times I want to slap Nikki. Yesterday was one of them, when again, despite all the bending over backwards I am doing to try to support all the things going on with him, he again went after behaviors I can't control for my add anymore than he can control his with everything from crossdressing to anxiety attacks. I do everything from involving myself in the dressing and making fun happen to grabbing the meditative binaurial beats to help him relax in an anxiety attack. And we have this conversation every three to six months that you live with an add person, this particular thing isn't a behavior I can control. Why can't I get the same care I give? ARgh. It's frustrating, because I spend so much time learning where there is compromise with him and what isn't something he can help, and I realize I subconsciously expect he would be doing the same, but he's not. Sometimes I honestly think that he so made a lifestyle of suppression after his attack that he only half lives his life, including knowing me. But I still have it way better than some other partners I know. And yet I hear mutual friends criticizing their support or perceived lack thereof of their varied physically and mentally ill mates, and I've come to realize there is this almost ridiculous perfection expected socially, at least in my area if not countrywide. But I heard the same eye-rolling comments about things like this back in Jersey too. "She shouldn't expect him to care about her day, he's got X issue!" "How dare he want to go do something fun for a few hours, his wife has X, she needs him at home!" And those are just the more subtle examples, it gets uglier. Not being in a current crisis state or healthy doesn't mean invulnerable. It doesn't mean all the burden. These people have needs that should be met also. I'm just starting to percolate all this. I have no idea what the human emotional mechanism behind all this is, but I'm tired and frustrated and really really tired of being told that there is something wrong with me or I'm not a good person/partner because I expect support back and to also have my needs met. Or for having limits how far I can change myself for the sake of a marriage. Even with my admittedly overly adaptive personality even for me there are just things i can't jettison and alter in myself, or i don't think I'll even be human anymore. Of course, I'm putting most of it on hold while he's dealing with the depression and ptsd from the assault, but I still can reasonably expect him to not hold my disorder against me and that he will actually work to get better and not make this a lifestyle. This current place we're in being a part of healing, fine. Six months, a year, whatever. It takes time to work through things, I know this. But if he became like some of the other people I know who just live in this all about me and make a crisis a lifestyle, I couldn't live like this, and I couldn't even imagine expecting anyone else to. Just yeah. Still working through my emotions and my place in this marriage I guess. Some days really get so subsumed by Nikki that I actually forget i feel anything until it smacks me in the face. Thanks for listening, there isn't really much anyone can do about this I guess. It is what it is. I"m going to work now.

Yeah, stop talking to that guy. It's a classic variation of the Nigerian scam. Smart move to tell him no!

I just...want to help. And it just sucks that there isn't anything I can do short of correctly guessing the lottery numbers and dragging him off on a cruise somewhere. LOL

Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do. Not a thing. He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all. I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far. I suspicion everyone here knows that. The sheer helplessness sucks. I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all the ugly past go away. The only thing I can do is step back, and let him guide me in what he wants and needs from me right now. Being the partner sucks. It was easier when I was the one dealing with my disorders/history, I didn't have to stand by helplessly. I guess he felt like this when I was struggling. Love isn't always joy. Sometimes it's just suffering together through life and all it's mess. Feeling frustrated and helpless is such an unpleasant combination. ANd he keeps APOLOGIZING to me about it. He has nothing to apologize, he's doing what he needs to do to heal so that we can have our happily ever after. He didn't choose any of this, and I'm not a fair weather wife who can't handle feeling frustrated and helpless for a while. The fact that I feel that way is because I love my Nikki. I'm going to go kill things in a video game now.

I hope it goes smoothly and wish you joy and understanding in this.

Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now. So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode. It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement. So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer. Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner. Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't.

Thank you Michael. It's been rough, and now I'm all freaky panicky over her brother, who was the Cat of my Life. He picked me as a kitten, and has always stuck with only me, and I can't imagine him leaving me. Unless he's mad at me for some reason, then he climbs on Nikkii's lap and yowls in this huge production until he's sure I'm looking to see him purring in someone else's lap as my punishment.

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer. I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease. It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight. I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different. I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does. It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can. I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is.

Oh, believe me, we have had several. Her brother Creed has sorta stopped looking for her after two weeks, he's accepted that she's gone, but he doesn't know where. Murder Kitty(Logan, but his behavior has earned him the murder kitty nickname) seems sorta pissed off because occasionally Yuriko would let him groom her and have some social time, where as her Creed wants nothing to do with him at all. I'm sorta more zen about it today, but I just woke up. Must face work, hugs to all.

I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up. The box. My cat is in a box. And I'm just losing it all over again. Because the reality that my cat is IN that box. And that there will be more boxes as time goes by. I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box. It's a nice box. With a plaque with her name on it and the day she died. And a little round plaque with her paw prints on it. That they made after she was gone, but still. It was her last little gift to us, that impression of her little paws. That box is going to bother me for a long time, but time will fix it eventually. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and hug my cat whose still with me and try not to think about future boxes as hard as I can. And I ate some fudge. It helped. Didn't fix all the feels, but it did help a little bit. Hugs to all of your, hope the world is being kind to you all.

I was good Emma, just had one little slice. Of the chocolate mint variety, becaue...chocolate and mint.

Seriously, some days I don't even know. Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse. So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now and keep 'stepping in it' as it where. I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now. The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoiding it like a normal mammal who possesses, you know, A NOSE, she in her infinite doggy wisdom decided to ROLL in it. So it turned into some sort of Benny Hill/Three Stooges chase scene comedy crossover with us trying to herd her into the shower and keep her from touching ANYTHING and spreading that hideous smell around the house. Nikki took one for the team and got in with her and scrubbed her down good while I gagged and struggled not to lose it. Very susceptible to smells I am. And it was horrid. So my Mom, instead of calling the doctor when something starts to go wrong like a normal person, AGAIN waits until it has reached a crisis point and is in the hospital for pneumonia. And I am too tired to care to be strait up honest. She bring it on herself, and there is nothing more I can really do. I sometimes honestly wonder if she has some sort of Munchhausen's weirdness going on. So of course other family members are crawling all over me because FAAAMMMILLLLY and she's my MMMOOOTHHHERRR like she actually ever did anything but read crappy romance novels until I pestered enough that she would finally make some food, and that was what passed for raising me. And spent my entire adult life bitching because I didn't let a failed marriage destroy my desire for happiness like she did and continued dating which she told me was 'stupid and I should have learned better from my divorce' and really resented me for doing well and having nice things with Nikki. *headdbang* But Nikki took me to the zoo and I FINALLY got to see the new sea turtle that I have been trying to visit for a year, the one he bought me a zoo pal support membership to help care for her costs and put my name on a board for Christmas, and she looked back at me, and we had a moment. It was magic. Nikki had a fairly good time even though we were only there for like and hour and a half, but he likes it when I get super excited and lose my mind over the animals at the zoo. AND THEY HAVE A TOUCH TANK NOW! And it has my favorite thing ever inside, rays! The most adorable little brown bat rays, omg so soft like stingrays and amazing little guys. Nikki made a Jurassic Park 2 joke about me always having to touch things, and well, yeah! LOL Got SUPER frustrated with Nikki when I just wanted a simple yes, please budget so we can to go the TransOhio symposium or no I'm not interested. I know depression makes even simple things complicated, but I just wanted a yes or not answer. Settled for him sending a bunch of questions about the event to the person who mentioned it to us to see if it's a thing he'd like to do. Then got my monthly and hit full on hormonal CRAZY levels, which rarely happens to me, but I'm under a lot of stress trying to get everything together by August. And I just had a quiet meltdown. Nikki is used to my meltdowns being dramatic nuclear bombs, and it took him a minute to realize something was off, and when he asked I just lost it and started hysterically freaking out about all the financial issues, health issues, and how overwhelming it is and how unqualified I feel to do anything about any of it and how lost I am in it all and he just took over for a while, and calmly solved the problems, and reminded me alot of the solutions were mine and I'm good at handling things I'm just feeling a little crazy right now. And crampy. And not sure if it isn't the cystic kidney disease that is cramping, they're in a weird place, I might be bursting another cyst, in which case I'll be lucky to be walking around tomorrow. Then we went and grocery shopped, got a lot of fruit and some veggies, less junk, and he put into motion some food change plans we created to save money AND eat healthier. And we replaced the patio set in the backyard like we decided last year. My best friend is going to take the old one and get it new cushions. I told her she can expect delivery next week, she invited us to play games and hang out since ti's been AGES. She told me yes, she envies the hell out of me even with all the issues I'm facing (the depression is SO scary) because at his core Nikki is always thinking about me and trying to work with me, and her husband isn't like that. And that spending time with us being affectionate and fun together makes her happy. And she promised to spend more time in my pool with me this summer, SCORE! I love company in my pool. So upside again, I have a lovely new set. We picked the table from one, and the chairs from another. We're kinda picky, and we hated the table that came with the swivel chairs and we hated the chairs that came with the round faux tile mosaic topped table we liked, so mix and match it is. And miraculously it all fit in the minivan we forgot to take the back seat out of. LOL Had a long talk with my best friend(not just about the furniture, I swear!), Nikki's coworker with his blessing, and told her everything that's been going on, and it was a great talk and she understands my fears and thinks I'm dealing well with all the crazy my mom is inflicting and we talked about her issues and just had that kind of talking about all the bad things but feeling better about it cuz your with your best friend kinda thing. Came home and made pizza with Nikki, who then went to bed starting his new getting more sleep regimen to support his recovery. She was immediatley worried if she'd offended him with anything she was working on for her transgender paper for one of her classes, shes' studying nursing. I told her nope, he was just scared she wouldn't like him anymore, and she said he's silly, she loves us. So right now i have zero idea what I'm feeling, sorta internally being pulled in many directions, but one constant remains, our asshole neighbors are watching my front thinking we're going to put the old set they keep trying to take because we 'don't use it enough' and they're finally going to get it free. I hope they stay up all night waiting to grab it. Mean Bree laughter. Seriuosly, they once came to my door announcing they were going to move it to their yard since we 'didn't use it enough'. I was VERY CLEAR that was so not happening. I think I need a slice of the fudge I bought at that zoo. Fudge is magic, it will fix everything. Don't tell me if it won't. And soon it will be time to put the pool up. SO excited! Pool is magic too.

Hey welcome back! Here's a hug! It's normal to want everything right now, and get frustrated when you realize that can't happen about anything. You didn't get your education in a month. You didn't learn to ride a bike in five minutes or less. Everything in our lives takes time, and that's okay. Try new things, keep up the changes you like, drop the ones you don't, and slowly you will find your happy.