Briannah

So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something. Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier. So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food. Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams. The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty. Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's kitten kibble when he was tiny, and did she ever get fat on it until we got good at locking her in the bathroom while the poor kitten ate. She was hard to catch back then. I was kind of wondering all day if it was time to call the vet again, but I didn't want to say anything to Nikki in case my high-fat plan possibly worked. And as of right now, it's going well. The cat is eating. I repeat, the cat is eating. She can't manage a whole can at once, so I suggested we offer her food three times a day to make sure she's getting plenty and fatten her back up to a normal cat weight again. It's the best I can do for her right now, I wish I had more. I don't want my cat to leave me. I really really don't. I know nothing is eternal, not even mountains, but I'm just not ready and need more time. So does Nikki. I'll spoon feed her if I have to. Of course, she's a lazy cat, she may have figured out this is the way to get everything she wants, including spoon feeding. Hard to tell, she's a smart one. Bring on the next problem, I'll solve that one too.

Oh goodness. I may have to suck it up and be brave, my excema and hair on the personal bits are not playing nice. But I have zero tolerance for skin pain levels unlike the internal stuff where I just whimpered a bit with intesting caught in a hernia, I confess and will likely be wailing pitiously the whole time and that poor tech would go home if I did go and be all "You would not believe the baby on my table today!" LOL

She changed my second blood pressure medication at the last visit reluctantly, since my blood pressure is now perfect, however, I had developed that really horrible cough that the stuff can cause. SO...been on the new stuff for nearly a week now, and the cough is gone, but my throat is still stupidly dry, swollen, and often sore. I'm going to have to go back, apparently there was a reaction to the meds and something else going on. Meh. And it's not dehydration, ya'll would not believe the giant water bottle I carry around and suck on all day. It's 63 ounces, and I'm drinking a whole and a half on average. That is a lot of water. So was trying to be helpful when Nikki had a bad day the other day and I threw a bra what I thought was to him, and pretty much hit him in the face with it. Then I was getting the breast forms outta the box still determined to be helfpful while he was lounging on the bed, it got stuck in it's plastic wrapper thing, so I pulled, and smacked myself in the face with a weighted silicon boob. Hilarity ensued for Nikki, while I started wondering when my ability to handle inanimate objects declined exactly. And then my add kicked in, and I started thinking about like 20 things at once ranging from fake boobs to zebras (don't ask, I have no idea where the zebras came in) but where I was going wasn't one of them and I smacked into the door. On the upside, Nikki laughed himself silly and had a good moment.

Nikki's blood pressure is refusing to cooperate. It's still high, and they managed to conquer mine even. I don't know if he's stressed out under the depression and unable to really feel it to deal with it, or if there is something more serious going on. I know it sounds early to worry, but Nikki has a history of a minor thing suddenly becoming a health crisis. So I worry. Cuz I can't imagine being without him. He's made an appointment with her after briefly discussing antidepressants, she wants a full appointment and to talk to his therapist before she helps him choose what to try because she was quite clear that being sure that there are no early warning signs of a variety of conditions matters, to avoid actually making him feel worse. I love her, she's very clear and open about things. And actually looking to help. So that will happen in about a month. And didn't look at me funny when I abruptly ran out of the room to get to a bathroom, my cycle does weird things to my digestive system. She changed my blood pressure stuff due to the coughing, because the one I"m on can cause that, but it should clear up in two to three days if it's the pills. Please go away now cough, changing prescriptions is easy and preferable to something being wrong with my throat. She was a little worried about the heartburn, but it's ONLY just after I cough, and only lasts a minute or two. So acid reflux was tentatively ruled out. And I did hit the target blood pressure. Apparently I'm reasonably healthy! Go me. I'm persona non grata at work. There was A Letter. Basically, my aunt who is my immediate boss and office manager is retiring. So she's leaving. But Mark's smoking is becoming awful, in addition to the generally toxic nature of the place, so I'm leaving sometime between June and August. Originally they had a plant hat she was going to keep working part time and I would to, but the schedule she wants to force on me didn't work at all for Nikki and he wasn't interested in me vanishing into that place so told me to quit after we hit a few more financial goals. So they have to hire a new full time person to replace us, and Jan was honest about the smoking issue, and the staffing place wrote us a letter on why they are unable to help us until it's resolved. So many liabilities whether they get a smoker or non-smoker. SO somehow this is MY fault, and smoke addict is ignoring me unless absolutely forced to deal with me. On the one hand, insulting. On the other, it's more peaceful. Pros and cons. Had a conversation with Nikki when I realized all the dressing and needs conversations we've had were focused on or around the depression crisis. Which is fine, immediate needs must be addressed first, but it also occurred to me to realize that eventually he's going to get better. He's putting all in with conquering this, and I believe in him and his natural happy state. So...he will recover and regain himself and his emotions. So...what does all this look like then? No promises, no bans, no rules, just a conversation about what he thinks it might look like in the interest that this is the rest of my life, and I'd like a sort of vague directional marker where it's heading. He asked if the crossdressing doesn't go away is it a dealbreaker, and I'm like no, I'm not really expecting it to go away, I just wanted to know what it all would look like. What changes in our current need/stress driven routines did he think would fit in with his life the way he remembers it being, with the understanding that I am just exploring the topic and not expecting a cast in iron polaroid photo. It was nice. He was relieved, but said that once he was okay again he'd put it back in the box if I needed him to. And I just didn't. Six weeks ago I would have looked at myself like I was nuts, but I really did adjust to all this. So it can stay, it's welcome, let's just figure out how it works when it's happy instead of sad. I like happy better.

So um how bad does it sting? Was considering getting my um. .. Personal bits done after Nikki gets his face once we save up.

So I get up, let my dog out, give her her morning dental treat, and sit down to read/answer some e-mail. All of a sudden my dog is racing around the house like crazy, so I go out to see what is going on. I'm not talking a little pacing, I"m talking full speed full charge ahead around the place, she never does this. She goes behind the table where I can't see her, so I go around too, and she's on the floor on her side seizing, her little paws twitching and some foam on her mouth. Having some experience in this with our cat, I wait until she starts to come out of it and get up and I got to her and she snaps at me. She NEVER snaps at me. Even when Nikki has her all riled up and chewing on him in play, I can reach my hand in without fear and she won't chew in the slightest, just licks me. Then she's running away from me. This is where it went from scary to really bad, she literally didn't know who I was and was terrified outta her mind, which took me along with her. I tried to calmly approach with the lead so I could throw her in the van and take her to the vet, but she started growling at me. The I mean business growl. So I backed up to the door, opened the inner door so I could get out if she charged me, she was acting so weird I didn't know what to expect, and called Nikki with the "Come home RIGHT NOW Alita is not okay" incoherence, hung up on him and called the vet to notify them we were incoming once Nikki got home to help me wrangle her. Just before Nikki pulled up, she started to recognize she slunk forward her in her most extreme I'm sorry posture but clearly no clue what was going on, so I started calming her down and petting her as best I could. Nikki got home and did a quick house and yard check to see if she got something, and couldn't find any evidence of anything. Other than realizing she both peed and pooped all over the house, something else she never does. So we grabbed a wad of poop off the floor and took that too just in case. The vet checked her over thouroughly, and her phsyical exam by that point was perfect. So it didn't do any severe damage at least. They are going to look at the poop and took bloodwork. At this point he agreed it didn't seem like she got into something, no smell on her breath, no secondary signs, and recovery was very fast for that, so they send us home with her to watch over here today and we have to wait and see. Its uncommon but not rare that he's seen this happen to dogs who never had another episode again, so the best course now is to run the blood/poop tests and wait and see. But that was scary. She's freaked out and clingy to us right now, poor thing. She's curled up on her computer room pillow with her head on Nikki's foot like don't leave me daddy. I"m so happy it didn't happen in the middle of the night at least. My poor baby girl. She's a 9 year old lab/beagle mix of sweetness. She's got a very laid back attitude about most things, and loves just chilling out with us. And chewing on things. OH my gosh she loves to chew.

​In the reading I did, there sort of is, the size/shape of the hypothalmus. What the reading was clear on was that transgender can be caused by having a hypthalmus of the brain in the size/shape of the other gender, but it wasn't clear on if this was for all types of the gender spectrum or just the clearest cases of 'I knew since I could talk'.

Best of luck to you in your new path! I hope it brings you joy and satisfaction!

A few glorious days of spring, then back to the 30's. Like look what you COULD have Bree, but I'm not going to let you. I'm going to make you be physically cold and stew while you're working through your latest emotional pissed offness. Yesterday we were talking about our sex life in the car, and Nikki told me flat out he had been sexually bored for years, and he loves now that we're doing all sorts of new things. And it didn't percolate right away. I didn't like hearing that, was minorly annoyed because I worked hard on trying to make our sex life good. Alone. Yes, alone. The responsibility for it has always been in my hands. I could barely even get him to tell me what he liked that we were doing. And then it was just a casual humor her "yeah, that feels okay". But then in a few hours, the thought really percolated and I got royally pissed off. All the years I'd been TRYING to get him to tell me what HIS fantasies were, what things HE wanted to try (most of the things he's loving know I was only peripherally aware of at best, not withholding), the trips to the creepy adult store that he got weird and didn't look at anything at all after telling me a few times he wanted to go, and trying to get HIM ACTIVE in the whole sex life and telling him that <b>I</b> was bored with it because it was always on my shoulders and I had run out of new things to want to try after 10 years... and now he's admitting he was bored and didn't bother telling me and that's one part of why he was checked out for the last several years in that area of our marriage.... Just wow. So have calmed down, and he was graceful when he realized the anger had finally set in. He knew that was coming, and strait up told me he deserved it, keeping so many secrets that affect us both so deeply. I think if he'd just shrugged it off and not admitted fault or put it on my inability to come up with enough sex ideas for 17 years by myself I would have lost it. I swear the secrets in all of this have been the worst part, the most destructive parts. I am having trouble with the dichotomy of knowing how much he loves me(I think), and my innate questioning of how someone who love me can hide that much from me that affects me so directly and deeply. It's not an anger issue, it's really a questioning issue. Did he really love me then, vs. now that he's all in? Is he only falling in love with me now? And that's why he's opening up? What WAS the last 17 years? He asked me how I would have handled it if he'd told me honestly when I asked after the first few weeks of dating. I'd cleaned his room (I was scared the mountain of boxes was going to fall on me in the night, it wasn't a little sloppy, it was scary) and found one of those DIY catalogs with all the creams and pills that promise you boobs. He claimed it was junk mail that he sorta thought of as a fetish, and I accepted it. I have NO idea how I would have belt about it then. I can't answer what my thoughts would have been. I was just out of yet another failed relationship with a girl, and a guy just before her, and at that time hadn't yet realized how much I had been forcing my minor attraction to women to be the full blown deal so I could hide from men as needed, so I probably would have been okay with figuring it out. I hope I would have had the sense to wait to marry until he'd figured out who he was and who he wanted to be though. But looking back on the last 17 years, particularly the last five, I will never be able to condone keeping secrets this big if you decide to marry someone. Be it your sexuality, gender, addiction, mental illness, personal baggage, whatever, marriage without disclosure is just wrong. It may be done with the best of intentions, but it's an abuse of trust. Can we fix that abuse? Yeah, slowly. But I have some hangups making it harder, I had trust issues to begin with and he swore so hard and did so much to prove that I could trust him, that I slowly overcame them, only to end up here at the wrong end of secrets and the fallout there of. So it's going to take time, and that's okay too. I want summer to come, so I can stop thinking about all of this for a while. I WANT a break from it, but my brain is like nope. We have nothing else to do, let's figure out our feelings. Stupid brain.

I miss that you too, but I love the one that is next to me right now also. *Hugs* We'll find our way back to that.

I try hard!

*hugs Veronica* We watched the tape last night after the offspring went home, and it's not a hugely long tape, but just having those few moments is worth so much. There was one at my aunts birthday dinner of Grandpa sitting at the table holding my three year old in his lap that was such an amazing moment, and both his and grandma's voices were there with little moments that really captured who they were. I miss them.

Yeah it just reminded me how similar it is and what a social mess I'm in currently.

This is similar to the social dynamics in my freinds group, when one of the group goes wildly against the rest of the groups deeply held sense of right and wrong. We have one girl that truly believes in the old fashioned submit to her husband at all times lifestyle, and it drives the rest of the group crazy. And then it gets kinda ugly sometimes, when the more extreme feminists start talking about what a problem she is and how they have to do something to fix her, instead of recognizing her as a person who believes in and legitmately a different lifestyle and place in the world than the rest of us, several of whom legitimately feel threatened by her lifestyle because they feel it will derail equality for them because women like her are out there. I like it so much better when its' a tv personality I can turn off and not be in the middle of this mess! LOL

Omg!!! After the breakdown Nikki quietly spent the afternoon searching the house. They didn't get the tape!!! He FOUND it! Last night we watched it together and now the sound is back in my head. I think I cried for an hour. Apparently they'd dropped a few tapes when they grabbed the bag and he'd put them up and forgotten and made sure which tape it was before telling me He found it. Just so I would be happy with all his sadness going on he's still showering me with love. He said he doesn't think he's being a good husband like this the other day. I know a lot of spouses not fighting depression at all who wouldn't bother worrying about something weird like this. Nikki is the best husband in the world now I have to figure out how to tell him so he believes me.

So Nikki was explaining binaurial tones to me, especially in the therapeutic uses in various diseases such as Parkinsons and so on, and that they are often used for relaxation and sleep aids. He's not really happy with my out there sleeping habits currently, and he's right, I'm needing the pills too often, and my brain is getting stuck in high gear. So I've been trying them for while, following the instructions, trying to relax, just the tones, the tones with a hypnosis induction, I WANTED this to work dammit...and...they totally don't work for me. I felt nothing, I wasn't sleepy, I wasn't any more relaxed than just trying to be, there was nothing. No changes. They do for him. And when we were discussing it he mentioned it was kinda close to hypnosis, and I did some research because this was treading something else... Nikki never really knows how the dots connect in my head until the reaction erupts... and it is kinda a similar effect on the brain. I'd actually been unable to be 'brain tricked' with some light party hypnosis games before...and now this failure of my brain to accept and enter the state...I'm having to come to terms that I might be one of those 3 in 10 people who can't be hypnotized, something about my brain won't do it. It led to a surprise breakdown. (for him, for me this was my first little steps into something I'd been thinking about for a decade) Nikki had no idea that was coming, and was really confused why I was crying because I can't be hypnotized. But it was the death of a dream that was important to me. I WANTED to go to hypnotherapy, not for my dismorphia or anything, but because the memories of my grandfather are fading. Not the life lessons, and that is important, but the DETAILS of them. I can still tell all the stories in great detail, but when I used to do that, I could smell the places, feel the sun or cold on my skin in my head, hear his voice, and that's all fading like an old photograph. Which is normal. But I had this wild hope that I could go to one of those hypnotherapists, and he could take me back to those days and refresh the DETAILS and FEELINGS behind the stories. Telling them over nad over sort of fixed them in my head like menomics, but it's not holding onto the little details. I don't remember what Assateague Island smells like anymore, although I spent two weeks on it every summer and those were the best weeks of my life. I don't remember the colors anymore, or the sounds. I would spend whatever money the therapist wanted for those memories back, to relive it even just for an hour in my head like I was there again. No room at this particular inn for Bree. I will probably go anyway, and I still sit in that chair and put my whole heart into following that voice and the instructions, but it will really hurt to fail. I didn't call attention to it to Nikki, but when we got robbed and they stole my video camera, they also stole the only tape in existence with my grandfathers voice on it. And now I can't remember it. Time steals things.

LOL Gotta take what we can get. It dropped back down to 43 today. While not unusual for this time of year, no where near as pleasant as the 65 I had been enjoying earlier in the week! Ohio is a great big tease.

I agree! There is something neat about the little blue( it was blue when I got mine) books. I have no stamps as I'd never gone anywhere that required Visas. I basically only have it because we go to Canada and the Carribbean often and they tightened the laws. We HAD to have it for a cruise to Alaska because it stopped in Canada for literally four hours. Lol

I seem to recall getting the paperwork we provided back with the actual passports. However take that with a grain of salt as this was like 8 years ago and I get confused about little details and Nikki didn't remember either way. I know I did get them back though as I would remember going through another round of the song and dance with the state department to get a copy of my birth certificate since I was navy born in Japan. I envy people who can just go to their birthplace and get the dang thing. The state department makes it such a production.

Actually going outside is helping my mood swings considerably. I'm off the charts unpredictable with them when I'm stressed out, so Nikki never knows what he's walking into with me conversationally these last two months. Finding out in the middle of cabin fever probably did NOT help my emotional cycles. I can't go out much in the winter, the cold air even with a scarf on sets my lungs off like nothing else, and I literally can't breath. So my time outside in Ohio between November to March is pretty much limited to racing from the warmth to the car as fast as I can, and then racing from the car as fast as I can back to the warmth. But now the air outside is warm enough that we have been leaving the house in increasingly longer jaunts, and I feel way more relaxed. Other than the troublesome cough with the embarassing consequences. Nothing like trying to entice Nikki into some personal time upstairs and then losing lunch all over the floor the minute he turns to head for the stairs. I don't want to deal with me right now either after that one! LOL I ordered a new smaller girdle to reflect the weight I lost. Nikki was on me about it, it can only protect the vulnerable bits if I keep replacing it so that it's actually fitting. So while I was there I ordered him a set of pg's like I have that are a top and shorts, for the summer, so he doesn't roast to death trying to wear the ones he has now for winter. They're a cute teal set like my blue set with the moon and star pattern on it. Also got a set for me in the same pattern with capri's, so hwen we're on vacation in teh summer I don't have to worry about freezing to death because they are SERIOUS about the air conditioning at that cabin. But that's fun too, I share a blanket with one of my best friends N and we sit there being silly together.

Well, I hope he lives up to his reputation if you decide to give him a go around. That kind of sex can be so awesome! And as for disclosure, I think personally I would wait to see if you actually felt the same about a possible relationship. If you don't, why bother expsosing yourself to potential unpleasantness til you are more sure of the people around you when I believe you go there to just let loose and enjoy yourself as you are now and can just stop worrying about the bigger picture for a few hours? I apologize if I'm off base, this is just my thinking on what I would do in your place, but of course I don't know how that place feels.

I wish you all the joys you are looking for, a smooth ride during the changes, and all the hugs i can offer!

That is a gorgeous photo! I will have to try to find a photomanip I did ages ago (if it wasn't backed up on the stolen laptop, a lot of my work was). I used to practice in photoshop trying to do really subtle ghosts in various clip art, and I had one really pretty one I"m proud of where I changed the moonlight across a lake into a lady, but you have to want to see her to notice. I'd love to share her with you! I should try to do that again. I'm not really creative from scratch, but I am almost good at mixing various elements of things nicely. The thing I want most in the world though, is my happy Nikki back. He loved life and laughter SO much. No matter how crazy things were, he was awesome and enjoying life even while dealing with the hard things. There were jokes and hugs, silent moments and sadnesses, then comfort and banding together. He's the most amazing person I ever met. And when he was healthy inside, he literally sparkled. Like someone in an anime. I miss his sparkle, and I'll search anywhere to find it for him. I Know he has to find it himself, but I'm going to do whatever I can to help.

We were having an awesome day until I...um...disgraced myself all over the floor. That is my project for Tuesday, talk about this cough with Bethany. It is so extreme that it forces things out of my tummy without warning from the sheer muscle cramping of the cough. So I went from really great day to holy cow embarassment. Nikki is being great about it though. So weird cuz I FEEL fine. Absolutely fine. But before that we had a great day! WE went to BG, got our yummy calzones, had a lovely lunch and talked about everything and nothing. Then we drove up to Toledo where Nikki got a new Captain American/Iron Man shirt he loves wtih a really good coupon, and I scored a couple of new dresses on sale. It was a gorgeous day, and we took the longer backroads to enjoy it and chatting in the car. Nikki saw some pants he liked at Catherine's, sort of a faux brocade pattern on jeans, but they didn't have his size. He wasn't taken with anything else, but Catherine's is sort of really hit or miss with me too. They do some UGLY vaguely hawiian prints on a lot of things I love the cut of, but hate the print/color choices. He did convince me to buy the red dress I found, I was hesitant because it's a really bold color, but he reminded me he's learned to color correct the red in my face so I can wear it without looking like a beet. I missed it early, I'd actually realized while I was sorting things out after I knew about his gid that I was waiting for him to tell me he was in love with someone else, he was so checked out. I completely misread the situation. Bad Bree.

I love you, and we'll get there. I swear you'll find your way back to happy Nikki, it just is going to take some time. *Hugs*