Emilyruns

Just an update on how things are going, it's been so long since I've been online here! I've been working through that book by Dara Hofmann-Fox, and it's been super helpful. It's gotten me to start exploring non-binary options, which may be a good place for me to be on the gender spectrum. I've been going out dressed as me a bit. Went to a coffee shop for the first time ever to meet up with a trans friend, and we both brought our spouses. It felt so good to be myself in public! But pretty nerve wrecking. It was wonderful to finally meet another trans person in real life. We had a good time chatting about our own issues and everything else. A few weeks later we went out to dinner in the same style. Funny thing is that both times I did not feel like wearing my breast forms, so I went without. To me that's an indication that maybe I'm not on the far female side of the spectrum. In the mean time though, I have nothing male left in my wardrobe, all my clothes were purchased in the women's section, but still it allows for a look that's not super feminine. I'm liking it, somewhere in the middle. Right now I have some house guests for a few weeks, with their kids. And although they are super supportive, I still have less chance of expression like I usually do. It's forcing me to take a break though, which is not bad in itself because now I'm taking a step back and I can do a little observation and reflection. It's taken me to the point to try and stop taking estrogen, but stay on the testosterone blocker. My doc was supportive of this, as I'm exploring non-binary stuff. I'm only two weeks in, and I can't say that I feel any different. Unfortunately just after I stopped taking the pills I got rather sick (not-covid, just a stomach bug), so I still don't know if there were any changes in my mood in the beginning. I really wonder how this will develop in the future. My journey started in 2019, and I was on the female side of the spectrum for a good year and a half, before things started to change somewhat and I started shifting more to the middle. Wonder where I'll be a year from now. The journey continues. Otherwise there's nothing really new. The new house is still keeping us busy every minute, and if it doesn't then the kids keep us occupied.

Hi Jennifer, Some time ago I moved to a different place, so that's been keeping me busy and I haven't been online much. But I'm catching up now, and reading posts from...the last year I think. Just wanted to let you know that your inane ramblings matter to me, a lot. Thank you for your openness. I struggle every day with being transgender and bipolar, and reading that someone else might have the same struggle, something that I recognize, is a great comfort. We are not alone, and thanks to you sharing your thoughts, I am stronger than I would be alone. You matter. We all matter in the end. Sometimes the fight is the only reason I have to keep going, even if I feel so confused that I've forgotten what the fight is about. Stay strong girl, keep up the good fight, this world needs you. with love, Emily

Just took my first dose of HRT! I'm so excited!

I just got done with the initial informed consent process for HRT. I can't believe I'm doing this! This is what I've been dreaming about (literally) all my life! I cried and laughed at the same time when I realized this is getting real. Love you all!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow first appointments for electrolysis on beard and on my downstairs mixup! Already been doing it on back, neck, brows, nose, and ears, so at least I know how it feels. Can't wait. This is gonna be fun!!! And on Wednesday I have a drs appointment to talk about HRT. More exceitement! I can hardly sleep!

This happened yesterday. And this blog entry will be short, because there's not much to tell. I love my parents, and they love me. Unconditionally. They did not see me being transgender coming at all, so I looked at their blank faces for a few seconds. But then they snapped out of it, and they're supportive. Son or daughter, I am their child. They've heard and seen a lot on the subject in the media, so they were well aware what transgender means. That was about it. I had a fantastic day after coming out to them!

I think I'm starting a new fad. It's called insomnia. You should try it. Loads of fun.

Gawd that looks so cute!

I finally made it outside! Just a short evening walk with my wife, but it was glorious. How's the make up? I'm colourblind, so it's a serious question. Anything with colours is a bit daunting to me.

I came out to my neighbor by accident yesterday. She's super chill about everything though, and she didn't even blink an eye. So here's the short story. I'm home, my 5 y/o is already asleep, and it's just before 7 pm. My 2y/o is still awake, and we're reading story books. I'm wearing a nice skirt and a tank top. My phone bings and tells me an Amazon package has arrived. I know that there's a new skirt and new shorts for me in it, so I really want to go get it. We decide to read the same story 5 more times. Now I'm really antsy so I tell him I just have to go get the package from outside and I'll be right back. Unfortunately it was delivered to my neighbors door (Amazon takes pictures now), and that's maybe 10 steps away. I close the door behind me, and scurry over to snatch the box. This is the very first time I've gone out my front door in a skirt. I'm very proud of myself. I hurry back. The door is locked. In the 10 seconds I was gone, my 2 y/o locked the door one my! The rest of the house is already locked up, so I can't get in! I have no keys, no phone, no nothing. Just my amazon box, and I'm wearing a skirt and a pink razorback tank top, and I'm locked out of my house! My 2 y/o starts crying and screaming immediately. I freak out. I put my shoulder into our weak door, but it won't budge. I go to the back yard to check the windows, but everything's locked. The shed is open though, so I grab a crow bar and set to work on the front door. But, I've never done this before, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I do some damage to the wood work, but still the door won't budge. My 2 y/o's cries get louder and he's obviously more freaked out than I am. I become frantic. I run back to the shed, grab duck tape, a screw driver and a rubber mallet. I tape over the kitchen window so it won't shatter, and hammer the screw driver into it. But I don't want the neighbors to call the cops either, so I try to keep it as soft as I can. The window doesn't break, and I don't want to go to jail. I run back to the front door and try to kick it in. Still doesn't work. Now I sink down in front of it in despair and start talking to my 2 y/o to try and calm him down. It takes a few minutes, but then I'm able to talk to him. After a while my neighbor comes out to check on the noise. She's seen everything out of her window already, and now finds me crying, in a skirt, on the door mat. Her pity and understanding is amazing. Together we talk to my little child, and eventually he figures out how to unlock the door. He's happy. My cries intensify a thousand fold, and I act like the mother who finally embraces her lost child. After a couple of minutes I'm able to stand up again, and give my neighbor many thanks. Just before we say goodbye she compliments me on how cute I look. I'm so elated that I start crying again, and it took me a good hour to calm down again. So, now she knows, and I won't be as afraid anymore of gong out my front door!

Hi Monica, Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar. I've been seeking help for gender dysphoria, and everyone I've talked to agrees GD is present. But each and every one of them also have mentioned that I may be bipolar. The last two psychiatrists both diagnosed me with BPD. It's mild, but taking meds right now. Those should take a couple of weeks before the effects kick in. We'll see how things go. I hope indeed I respond just as beautifully to the medication! ❤️ Emily

Just need to rant a bit. My new psychologist has just diagnosed me with bipolar. But they never told me about the diagnosis. Now finally I'll be starting some meds! Yay! Once those are in effect and helping I can start thinking about GD and hormones again. AAaaargghh! This is taking waaay to long for my brain to handle all this!

Under the LBGTQ+ umbrella I fall under Q. I'm Q-ing about T. Does that make me a cutie (QT)?

PS.: if you think it might help, I can send you a cattle prod

Jen, that is a terrible thing to have to bear with you for the rest of your life! I'm crying as I write this. Both for you and the gay man involved. We can't change the way we were raised, and we can't change the past. After the fact, you did all you could do for this person, and that is a very brave thing to do. You are still beating yourself up over this, and that may be the penance you are paying. But I dearly love the idea that you have offered your time as monitor in the LGBT teens chat room. I hope it works out and you get to do it! It would be a good place to start, and once you are comfortable doing that, you might reach out farther to support others, and to prevent hate. But indeed, one step at a time. Keep up the good work, and keep the love in your heart strong. You know it's there, and it burns bright! Keep going on this route, and for the man downstairs you'll be a very tough nut to crack.

A few days ago I came out for the first time to a friend. To two friends actually. They were long time friends, and I chose wisely. They were super supportive, hardly batted an eye to the word transgender, and just offered help and support, and we shared many tears. One of them even sent me a few packs of nail stickers to help me feel better and give me another little way of expressing my true self. Super cute! I can't deny though, that I was very scared to do this. Doubt has been nagging at me for months before I finally decided that I really needed to tell them. But there we have it. The word is out to a select few, and I feel very comfortable with it!

Hi Emma, thank you so much for your supportive words! I'm definitely no longer living in A. That switch happened about 9 months ago. So I'll go for either B or C. I've been seeing a lot of therapists too. They help a lot, but I think it will just take more time for my brain to (hopefully) find out where it is most comfortable. What really really irks me and causes me the most annoyance and anxiety is that things are not consistent. If only my brain would pick a spot and stay there. At this point I really don't care anymore where I end up. Could be a hermaphroditic newt. That'd be fine. It's the constant male / female switch that's driving me insane and to tears. Venting helps though. Thanks for listening! ❤️

Had an easy day, male day, easy coasting, no problem. 6 pm rolls around. Flip! Fem again. I'm so done with this rollercoaster. Feeling soooo >-( annoyed!! AAAAARRRRGGHH!!!! Sorry, venting.

Note to self. Wearing breast forms and playing jump rope with the kids is not a good combination...

I just read this and am crying now. That's so terrible. You are not damaged, and you are not worthless. Just by your kindness you've helped me in ways that I could never have imagined possible. Hang in there BA. ❤️

No way, that's where I live! I so need to check them out! Thanks!!! ❤️

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. It really helps me keep going and to keep my head on my shoulders. Monica, I had heard some time ago about Trans Lifeline, but it hasn't been on my mind in a few months (which I suppose is a good thing). But last Tuesday I think I may not have been far from calling them. I'll keep it in mind from now on, especially during the coming period, just in case things go poorly. thank you! Dee, it's so good to hear your comments about being yourself on the inside. After reading that my mind definitely stopped racing and going in circles. I'm doing much better now. I know what you mean about reflections, I'm just trying to ignore the mirror and try to finish whatever task I need to do in front of one. Luckily, yesterday I had a chance to go for a long run. That's really helped too! My original post was on Monday, and on Wednesday I couldn't take it anymore. I had gone through a deep dip. I decided to introduce my 4 year old to my wig. I'm trying to take notes of everything I do with my kids, and I'll try to post it here on TGGuide, just in case at some point it may be useful to someone. I had already introduced him to me wearing a skirt. I did that about a month ago I think, and I did it by just putting on a skirt, nothing else feminine, and I went about our daily business in the house (not outside, as the neighbors don't know about Emily yet). That day he complimented me at least 4 times that he really likes my dress. Each time I thanked him for the compliment, and then moved on to a different subject. The fourth time I wore the skirt in his presence he didn't comment on it anymore. After that I tried other skirts in his presence, and he hardly commented on those. In the beginning I made sure there were at least a few days in-between the times that I wore a skirt. But now I can just do it every day. A week ago I wore my heel in his presence for the first time, and he did not comment on those at all. So now it was time for the wig. I purposely had not shaved for a few days, so that I would be more recognizable. I was wearing a skirt, and a big bulky hoodie sweater. I told him that "I'm bald, and I don't like it. So I have a wig. It's like a hat with hair on it. And I like to wear it because then I don't look bald. It's kind of like dressing up." Then I showed him the wig, and right away he asked: "don't you want to put it on?" So I did. He looked at me for a second and then smiled, saying: "you look like a girl." Then he thought for another second, smiled bigger, and said: "And like a rock star." And then he went back to playing. Ten minutes later we were playing together and he said: "you look like a lady." And that was that. Wig accepted for the rest of the day. It felt wonderful for me, and hopefully not too disturbing for him. I'll wait until next week before I wear the wig again. But so far so good! Thank you all again for your support. I love the community here!

This is a long one. If you don’t want to read all of it, scroll to the end. That’s where I’ve posted questions. So far my experience with counseling has been very positive. Through a program at my wife's work I was able to get my first three sessions with a good local counselor. He was very experienced and specialized in men's issues, but not specifically transgender oriented. He offered loads of help, also outside of sessions, e.g. via e-mail and text messages. Because we had only three sessions together (they renew every 6 months through this program) we were only able to go over everything rather quickly. Though we did go deep into everything. What this psychologist taught me was what counseling will be able to do for me. It won't solve any problems by itself, but it will help me think through my own thoughts, my emotions, and my personal history. All that stuff compiled will hopefully offer me a path to go forward on. My goal for all this counseling is to make a decision. I'm pretty sure by now that I'm transgender. I'm definitely not a man. At least not you're average man. But how far do I want or need to go towards female? Or perhaps to something else in-between male and female, or outside of those to a third gender? In any case, those first three session were great. But what comes after that? I'm trying to stay within what's covered by my insurance, because counseling can be costly, so my first counselor offered to look at the (very extensive) list of psychologists that are covered by our insurance plan, and picked out the names of people he knows, has worked with, and can recommend for my situation. During this time I was already looking on my own for a counselor to follow this first one, and I found The Center (The San Diego Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center) where they offer all kinds of services to the LGBTQ+ community. So I called them, made an appointment, and went in. First was just a brief intake during which I was scheduled with a counaelor, and thereafter every week on Monday nights with this counselor. I love that all of the people there first ask what pronoun you go by. To be honest, I had no idea what to answer, so I just told them that it depends on how I wake up in the morning, which is actually true. Even the intake lady was wearing a badge with 'them/they' on it! I have now been to three counseling sessions and, although they go at a much slower pace, I’ve progressed so far that my brain is starting to grasp the concept of non-binary. So far I’ve discovered that I’m not male, as far the range of male with the societal label of ‘man’ goes. So my brain has defaulted to the binary system and concluded that if I’m not male, I must be female, and I’ve been wanting to fully transition since. The problem was that I’ve only ever know the binary system. I’ve no clue what could be other options on the spectrum, or what they might look like. Through counseling I’m am finally beginning to understand a little. This happened over the past week and I haven’t had such a good week in ages. Whether I’m having a male day or a female day, I seem to mostly feel content. I know for certain that my feminine emotions need expression, otherwise I’ll either go insane or once again sink into a depression. Now the idea was that I start attending a ‘coming out’ discussion group at The Center, where people come to discuss just this topic, and would allow me to learn a bunch. Then COVID-19 happened. Everything closed the day I was supposed to first go to this coming out group. Counseling sessions they are trying to arrange by phone. I really hope I’ll be able to continue in this way, because these counseling sessions have really helped, and they’ve become the highlight of my week. But for now it’s still up in the air whether this will happen. There are other repercussions of this outbreak too. I have two small children, two boys, and I’m the at-home parent for them. One is 1 year old, the other is 4 and going to preschool. All schools here have closed on the 13th, and won’t resume until at least April 6th. This means I’ll have both boys at home for a full three weeks, and basically we’ll be at home the entire time. During the preschool hours I’ve been able to dress female, and somewhat keep me content. I’ve been trying to slowly introduce my feminine side to them, especially taking it slowly with the older one. I don’t want him to go to school and start shouting ‘guess what guys!? Last night my daddy was wearing a dress!!’ Even at this age there’s already a lot of prejudice, and it might backfire badly. My one year old knows both the male and the female me, and for him it’s no problem. Although it did take him a while to get used to the wig (which I call ‘hair hat’ for him btw). My 4 year old is now used to me wearing skirts at home, and heels, and a nightgown. I was hoping to introduce the full package carefully over summer break, so that he’s used to it by the time he goes back to school, and it’s no longer a special or mention-worthy thing. But now I’m facing the next three weeks. There’s no way I can survive that without feminine expression, without fully dressing female. And potentially without a counselor to talk things through with. I don’t think I have a choice but to introduce both boys to my full female side in this period. And sooner would probably be better than later. I can’t deny that I’m more than a bit nervous. Scared actually. Has anyone ever come out to kids this age? How did they respond? How did social interactions go for them afterwards? Any do’s or don’ts? I haven’t been able to find resources for this scenario; anyone know of any leads? I have a decent plan in my head to do it, and I’ll have to act quickly. But I’m terrified I’ll do damage.

It's not all bad. Some things are really fun. Using nail polish to teach my 1-year old his colours! And he really likes it too! Of course his older brother of 4 is a bit jealous, so I'm making him do the colours in Spanish. Right hand has the rest of the rainbow. Really fun!

Lately I feel I'm doing a bit better. Fewer super low dips, and fewer super high highs. Even my appetite has improved (yay! I love food!). But I'm annoyed. Thoroughly annoyed. My brain does what I call flip flopping. It's been doing this for months. I wake up in the morning male (usually), but within a few hours it flips to female. A few hours later again it flops back to male. This back and forth flip flopping continues throughout the whole day, or until I'm too tired (usually around 5 o'clock I hit a wall; life with kids...). Sometimes one side lasts a few hours, sometimes only a few minutes. This used to be a pretty fun game. Hi Emily. Hi Tom. But it's starting to get really old. I don't even care anymore if I'm male or female or something in-between or outside. I wish my brain would just pick one and stick with it. So, brain, stop it already! I'm annoyed and confused. On the positive side, I've been reaching out a bit more locally and found a new counselor, and I'll also do some blood tests. The latter tests are for the just-in-case-something-else-is-going-on-scenario. The counselor is from a local LBGTQ+ center. I've been there once now, and everyone is super nice and completely non-assuming. It gives a great feeling of comfort. I'll see the new counselor later this month, and in March I should be able to start with a support group there. With some luck, all this will help stop the flip flops soon. Thanks all, for letting me rant and vent. <3 Emily