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Briannah

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About Briannah

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/04/1972

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Ohio
  • Interests
    Nikki, time with the offspring, Anime, Gaming, Turtles, Cruising, Ghost Stories/Books/Movies, Origami, Camping, swimming, snorkeling, beaches, pets, Halloween!, Photography thought I'm not overly skilled at it.

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  1. Briannah

    Sometimes you slide backwards.

    It was not surprisingly a good time, despite a small kitchen disaster in which I had forgotten to actually turn ON the dishwasher the day before and had to quick order baked meatballs delivery instead of my homemade chicken parm cuz my pans were still in there. LOL So now I'm scrolling around the internet looking for trans-friendly hangouts in Dayton, Oh so Nikki can go have fun out. They are astonishingly hard to find. Everything is listed as either a gay or lesbian bar, and Nikki says you can't tell if they are trans friendly or not. *bangs head on desk*
  2. Briannah

    Sometimes you slide backwards.

    I'm having one of my best friends over to see the my new house, the first person I've had here other than the two coworkers that helped us move. Shes' one of the reasons I wanted to come here, so we'd be close enough to hang out more than twice or three times a year. And I'm realizing my job has had a deeply negative effect on some of my behaviors. I know I will enjoy the visit, it will be fun, and still I'm dreading it like mad. I have this antisocial streak lying underneath a need for company. I don't even understand my own brain sometimes. I had mostly gotten it under control, able to realize rationally that I WANT to spend time with people and will have a blast. And if something happens (the weather is really poor today) I will be slammed with an equally intense feeling of relief and crushing disappointment. How the heck does my brain process like this??? But the last year, between the hours of the job, not being able to have people over because staying with my odd hoarding mother and then having to get things organized here, I think I reinforced my old habits of solo activity and hermitism. I'll just have to do to the work, again. It's a good reminder that disorders and deeply ingrained policy traits can be overcome, but never really 'cured', and you have to nurture the better behaviors. I seem to have forgotten that. Meanwhile, I guess I'll just grit my teeth and get through it until she arrives and the joy mode clicks ins. I really don't know why I do these things to myself, but at least I do better with living with them now than I used to. That's hope. Nikki is really excited to have a guest, that helps. He put a TREMENDOUS effort into the living room, and wants to show off his decorative flair. I pick a few things I like, and then he sorts out the spatial layout and relations to each other to make it look good. He's always been better at traditional 'woman skills' than me. Which reinforced my childhood lived experience opinion that people should be allowed to be who they are, not told what to be based on their bodies. Going through figuring out what it all meant the day we first had the conversation about 'Yes, i'm going to stop lying about it, I'm transgender" changed a lot of things, both in him, our marriage, and in me. I'm finally at ease with my internal lack of the resonence with the stereotypical american female. I hate clothes shopping, I hate makeup, I'm okay with cooking but hate cleaning, and live for video games, table top rpg gaming, and other random things men like. And now I'm finally okay with that, I didn't realize til we started having the discussions of what it all means that I'd always been really uncomfortable with the feeling at odds with the role that had been hardcored forced on me as a child by family and the shcool system because of my sex. I'd internalized it. Rejected it and did what I wanted, but at the same time internalized it and let it negatively impact my self-esteem. Trying to care for Nikki's self-esteem all these years, especially the last few when he was most vulnerable, has repaired some small amount of the boudler sized damage mine has. But it's a start. Hope again I guess. I feel weirdly naked after this post.
  3. Briannah

    Love the One You're With

    Good luck Peanut!
  4. Briannah

    Love the One You're With

    Love that big smile on your face, and Peanut is gorgeous!
  5. Briannah

    The leaderboard and days won?

    I'm just gonna accepet that I like to engage in conversation and own it.
  6. Briannah

    The leaderboard and days won?

    Oh, I'm on it. I think the leaderboard basically means I talk too much.
  7. Briannah

    The leaderboard and days won?

    I moused over it on mine, and apparently the days one thing is the number of days you had the most likes on a post/comment in that day.
  8. Briannah

    Sorting through a new life.

    Starting over is weirdly freeing and oddly disturbing at the same time, whether the scale is large or small. I really wasnt' sure I would do well when Nikki decided we needed to change EVERYTHING, not just how our marriage worked and my knowing about and understanding his gender fluidity. As much as it can be understood, he's still learning as he goes too. But EVERYTHING was going to change. My home, the jobs, the lifestyle, the diet choices, our clothing, even our hobbies; literally nothing is the same as it was last year. I'm dealing, but I have fits of depression and weird resentments. I hadn't realized there were huge parts of my life I was really attached to in a way that I didn't notice every day, just reveled in subconsciously until they were gone. And finally having to stop lying to myself about the state of my relationship with my maternal family not really being any better than my paternal family, just more discreet about how unhealthy it functions was not surprisingly unpleasant. I think I can safely say I'm adjusting though, and I suspicion by this time next year I will have adapted and re-normalized. I sorta envy people who see starting over as a grand adventure and love it. I just sorta wade through it patiently and pretend I'm having a good time, nothing to see here, move along. It helps that I love my house, and now that my things are here and starting to settle into place I feel lest lost, as long as I stay downstairs. Upstairs is still an alien place. My bed sits in this great big empty room with a bunch of boxes creating a maze I injure myself on nightly trying to get to the bathroom, which is now surprisingly far away. The other two rooms are literally still empty, and it's weird how that empty plays on my subconscious. Nikki's love of his new job is becoming problematic, and I work there with him. But it's company first all the time, and I'm lucky if I get some leftover scraps of attention. And there is the weird side effect of after weathering the sorting out of the gender issues and not ending up divorced, he's completely comfortable in our marriage. Comfortable to the point that he takes out all the frustration other people in the company build up in him on me because I'm 'safe' to let it all out on. Ya'll can imagine how thrilled I am about this new behavior. Especially since I'd crosstrained to work under him in an effort to try to get more home time (I was a carpool captive). We have some more marital work to do, it never really ends does it? As long as you are two people in a relationship, there will ALWAYS be some new problem to work on. But after I got really quiet at home because I'm tired of talking about work and telling him verbally we needed to do more marriage time and less work time and he finally pushed my temper into reminding him I can be volcanic when pushed when after someone was rude to me and didn't give me the information I needed he didn't even ask what happened, just tried to silence my voice by gas-lighting me that I didn't understand the interaction I was in (and he wasn't) and I let him know clearly that was so not happening EVER AGAIN, he's working on it with me. Which makes me realize that old, underlying problem is still there, I can tell him about a problem until I'm blue in the face, but until it affects him by me puling away or losing my temper on him, he doesn't take it seriously. I'm thinking of suggesting marital counseling once he settles back into individual therapy for the dysthymia again. 20 years or marriage doesn't make anyone immune to the need for a little help sometimes. On the plus side he's working on reducing his addiction to constant electronic entertainment and actually exploring our new area with me. There is a REALLY pretty town a bit south of us (stupid expensive to live in, and close enough to drive to form where we live but the commute would have been overmuch) with a lovely bookstore. Since my town has none. So that's a fun place to go. We're going to go to this super bizarre almost tourist attraction grocery store either this weekend or next, adn the space museum (Nikki loves Nasa stuff). I hope they have a planetarium at the space museum, I do love a good planetarium I must admit. I guess all in all I'm fine, life is just continuing to happen both to me and around me. But the scenery outside is better. I have a super awesome hangout porch now to enjoy the last days of summer drifting by. The neighbors have been pleasant to us, and he said hello to me as he got home and I was reading a book on the porch and we had a nice conversation. So much better than the crazy, half dressed, theiving ones from our former town. I"m moving up in the world!
  9. Briannah

    Working it out

    *Hugs* I'm sorry I can't do much more than a few words on the internet. We're mostly having fun, but I discovered a great horror. There. Is. No. Bookstore. *weeps* I know I have Amazon, but there is something about bookstores. People get weirdly nice int hem, conversations strike up, and there is nothing like the feel of being surrounded by the books whispering 'take me home'. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help, even just talk.
  10. Briannah

    Should You Move?

    Sadly the anger and bullying are off the charts on everything. It's like there has been some giant license to rage has been issued and everyone lost their minds. I'm afraid for a lot of people I know for a variety of reasons, I don't think anyone is 'safe' anymore. Be careful and be alert!
  11. Briannah

    An odd thing about shoes

    Have you treid 13w? They make 'wide width' for women but that is also a subjective term to the manufacturer. X_X I have a stupid problem with an unnaturally high top part of my foot, which really limits my options since there's not much you can do about bone other than break it and hope you can reshape it how you want, and I'd rather just deal with limited shoe options than that. LOL Bree is whimpy. But wide width I would definitely recommend looking around trying things on. Nikki is a size 13 in men, and a 12 to 14 depending on the manufacturer in women's, and while the selection is not HUGE we do tend to find some things at Payless and Shoe Sensation if you have those in your area.
  12. Briannah

    See you all when I get to Sidney!

    Thank you! Getting here was the easy part, finding myself living in a cardboard maze and trying to dig a home out of it was crazy. WE're nearly there now though, and Nikki's been happy that he's free to be him or her as the mood strikes again. As for me, I'm pretty happy here. I love all the space in the new place, and the city has been great. I'll be happier when I stop getting lost in the diabolical maze of one way streets. The city planner here was clearly a sadist. LOL
  13. Briannah

    Working it out

    I just wanted to stop by and offer what meager comfort I could. Your questions about what life will look like, I had the same ones when I decided to leave my first husband. I had no idea what life would look like, and was terrified no one would ever love me again, and I was destroying my sons life, a thousand things even though I knew it was what had to happen. And from my life experience and those around me, I can safely say that no ones future is set in stone, we will love again, be loved again, and life is full or surprises. It's funny how normalcy asserts itself no matter what the details of the situations are sometimes. There was a really stressful time in Nikki and my life and I was completely bowled over the moment I realized I was still doing the normal day to day things in the middle of all the upheaval, and weirdly it was the most comforting thing in the world. As for your wife, even if she needs to leave the marriage, it's never because there is something wrong with you. But as the spouse in this situation, I would point out our sexuality and romantic relationships are as integrally a part of us as your gender is to you; and if she hasn't expressed any bisexual/biromantic tendencies(I say it like this after several disastrous relationships with other women in the past where I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, the sex was great, but nothing else was, and finally got introduced to the fact that sexuality and attachments are NOT the same thing, I was raised on them being conflated and late to the actual psychology of it all) then it's just about a healthy realization of her own needs and self and moving towards fulfilling that just as you are with your transition, and I'm thrilled to see your recognizing that and caring about her needs along with yours. I think you are absolutely on the right path that you see and celebrate her personal growth and take it that she'll be okay, and it's absolutely beautiful to see people in the pain of an uncertain future looking for the positives in each other instead of the negatives! May you receive the same support from her no matter what happens in the coming future. As for the children, just be the best parent you can, try to get along with your wife as best you can no matter what comes in the future, and consider family counseling if you think they are struggling with anything, but otherwise you'll probably be pleasantly surprised that everything will be okay. Kids usually have pretty big hearts and can learn to understand a lot with guidance and education and patience.
  14. Briannah

    An odd thing about shoes

    The marketing industry is a truly monstrous machine that looks for every chink to get our dollars. And it's annoying, I can't shop online for shoes at all have to try them on as I wear 8 and a half to 9 and a half depending on the manufacture and cut of the shoe. Which is just silly.
  15. Briannah

    An odd thing about shoes

    Marketing. Men's clothing and shoes tend to be labeled in sizes that actually mean something with inches and such, like a size 40 jean is a 40 inch waist. (and hence have a simpler time shopping and ordering online in general, although we're starting to see this marketing trick in men's clothes on occasion now also). Women's clothing is marketed to us in terms that are meant to appeal to our vanity, like sizes 0 and 1 and 2 etc. etc. This goes on with shoes too, hence why your expectation of the woman's size is off. It gets more fun that there is zero standardization of the vanity sizing, and different manufacturers mean different things in both regular and plus sizes.
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