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Ok so I figured I'd start out by jumping right into my pool of angry venting and oblivious flailing. Sort of like a seagull who just witnessed some scumbag stealing "his" crumb. You ever watched a seagull in a McDonalds parking lot, when someone throws a french fry and some other gull grabs it? He's all "AAAAAH!!! YOU SCUMBAGGGG!! I SAW DAT FIRST, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! YOU-oh, hey, that hooman has another one!?" That's how I imagine it anyway. Well let's start off with today, and I'll backtrack into my sea of awesome, like a backstroke, to the good parts. Start with the bad, go to the good. So we leave on a good note, and not the bad. It's opposite day. Just go with it. So I get up sort of late today, not like super late but enough for me to actually put some pants on instead of wandering around in my boxers for half an hour. I get up, get dressed, not even attempt to do something with my hair. It's going in a hat anyway, who cares? Not this guy. So I get my shizz (backpack full of notebooks I know I'll have no time for but I bring them anyway) and throw on my boots, and head out to my already-breaking Jeep. I call it my Heep. Heepa-jeep. It's official name is Demon. Cuz its red. And reasons. ANYWAY. Jump in, start it up, and the usual check engine light is on. I dont panic. There is no panicing involved since it's been on for about a month now, because I have a hole in my Kat that needs to be welded plus the fact that my muffler is rusted out which matters NOT because my whole damn exhaust system is basically unattached. Poor person problems. Anyway, I'm driving along with my radio blasting as usual and DIIIING. Not like a little "hey, hows it goin, check this out" sort of noise but more like a "HEY!!! DUDE!!! DUDE!! YOU SEEING THIS!? ARE YOU F***ING SEEING THIS!?" To which I reply "Ah, crap." My EBS or Electronic Braking System, as decided it needs attention. It wants service. To which I reply "Too damn bad, bish, I'm going to work!" So I ignore it. Then I look down, and notice my car is overheating. Oh, fun. Blast the heater, roll down the windows, and enjoy the 50F weather with my heat on. No problem. Okay, so since I'm ignoring it so far, my jeep decides to amp up the annoyance. "Oh, I'm an automatic? Haha, funny. YOU shift, I'm done." Yup. No shifting. Had to do it myself. THEN, THEN (Nope, not done yet) I stop somewhere to let it cool and give me a break, and it decides "I dont want to keep going! You're on your own, buddy!" and doesnt want to start. My reply, naturally was "YOU HEAP! DO IIIIIIIIT." And it did it. Because I'm a human. And I think I'm the boss. But dont tell me I'm not even though it's obvious that my car rules my life. Damn it...... Basically to fix all the shinanigans (which decided to magically disappear once I told my boyfriend who traded vehicles for the night so he could work on the jeep. Thanks Demon) it's gonna cost me about 200 monkey moolahs which we all know is like 2000 real money. Thanks. Thats....wonderful. Thank you, I needed that boot in the butt. BUT, YOU WAITED. YOU READ. YOU LISTENED. You may or may not have been sympathetic, and if you were I thank you, if you werent then get lost; But here's the good news. You ready? Yeah? Nope, gonna stall. So I went to see my doc, and we talked about the cutting thing and the medications (which she decided to change to a different brand, Zololf, which I so far love) and all that blahness. And I explained to her that my back is still in pain from my obviously huge bust. I have to sleep upright, I cannot lay on my back or stomach because it hinders my breathing, and to my absolute horror; I went up a bra size. Yay me. So she said she would talk to someone and not to worry about it. So I get a call about a referral. No big deal, we'd been talking about getting me a new therapist anyway. Call them back....."I'm sorry but I'm just not seeing a referral to here....Are you sure it were for a therapist?" they ask me. To which I reply "I have no freaking clue. You called me, I'm calling you, it's a party." So they search around and ask a few departments (huge hospital, lots of chaos) and then she goes "Oh, you've called the wrong department". I'm assuming maybe financial aid, the padded rooms, maybe a straight jacket factory......nope. Better. And there's not much better than a soft, comfy, private padded room. "You're looking for the Plastic Surgeon. This referral is to Doctor Shin, the plastic surgeon." Oh. My. God. No. Nope, I need pinches. Someone pinch me. So naturally I bawl like a bitc*. They transfer me, we talk, and yup. You got it. My Official First Consultation with a Plastic Surgeon concerning FTM Transgender Top Surgery is coming to my nearest hospital on May 6th of this year. IT'S ON, LADIES AND GENTS. OHHHHH IT. IS. ON. No words. I'm done. I dont think I need to explain for you to understand my emotions. I think I'm gonna go die now. In a good way. TOOTLES! Oh and I love you all. Just as a footnote. LATERS, Warren

Too cool. Too. Cool. Good Luck!

DUDE!!! That's freakin' awesome! I've been wondering where the heck you've been. Okay, worrying a little, sure. And Warren's BACK, and with such NEWS!!! Outstanding Ren, I'm so Happy for you. Pinch me, now I can't get to sleep. Hugs, hugs, hugs, Emma

Warren, That's great! Congrats!!!! xoxo xoxo Christie

I'm very drawn toward resources and ideas that I hope will help me practice and make automatic inner kindness. I need this as I have such a litany of self-directed put downs and labels that seem to come so automatically before I have a chance to prevent their affects. I've recently come across several that I hope I will find helpful and maybe you will too. I think of them like tools in my toolbox. But like any tools we need to use them enough so that they become familiar and automatic: Internalized Trans-Phobia This one feels risky for me to even post since I worry that TGG members and visitors will assume I have some sort of phobia against them. Truthfully this is not true at all. But that said, "It refers to how some people hate that part of themselves and are ashamed of it." As much as I am aware of my gender dysphoria and that it's a natural part of me I have to overcome my shame that has been with me for so many years. This article isn't a cure-all. It's a start as it says that we're okay if we have it and the place to begin is to be aware, acknowledge it, and accept that dealing with it is another aspect of our lives. James Altucher I've written about him before. He has a free email list (which you can subscribe to by clicking on his name). I don't like all of his writing, sure. But today he wrote one called "It's OK If You Don't". Among other things, he wrote: "At some point I gave myself permission: It's ok if you don't know what you want to do next. It's ok if you're scared. Scared sh*****ss. It's ok to not write a bestselling novel. It's ok to leave early. It's ok to not be a billionaire. It's ok to not start a charity that ends malaria. It's ok to get fired or to fail. Or even worse, to lose someone's money." The main message: it's okay to goof, to try and fail, to forget... to be human. It helps me to remember that from time to time. A Simple, Powerful Self-Compassion Method Leo Babauta has a website called Zen Habits, and he also has a free email. Sure, they don't all grab me. Sometimes they just don't fit. But this one I think is a great summary of a behavioral therapy approach to dealing with our inner Ms. Crapness. (Yeah, that's my word.) Notice it (be aware), Accept it (might as well), Comfort it like you would a small child who scraped her knee, and Love it and yourself. Easy to say, and all too easy to ignore for its touchy-feelyness. But hey, why not give it a try? And if it doesn't work its magic right away for you remember that it's okay for it to take a while. Love Your Inner Child My therapist recently gave me this homework: consider the questions, statements, and wants of me as a 3-7 year old, especially as it relates to his gender dysphoria. And then, write down what you'd like to tell him given what I know now. Example: Child: "I'd like to have a doll like Mary's." Me: "That sounds like that would be nice, doesn't it? Your birthday is coming pretty soon so it's good to know that's something you would like to have. Tell me, what is it that you like so much about her doll? What does it mean to you? What should I look for when I buy a doll for you?" After I tried to do this for a day or two I told him that I was torn between being fully supportive and possibly warning him that the other kids might give him a bad time for having such a doll. His advice?Give him (really, me) all the love and support, and forget the warnings and mixed-messages. None of us need that. Be kind to yourself. Practice inner kindness. Be well. Be you. Emma

Emma, This is a great piece! Thank you for sharing it, I plan to look into James Altucher. Christie

Lisa, Similar to Emma my first thought about "Hey beautiful" was very positive - but being earlier in the journey I'm just thrilled to be referenced as a female almost anytime, I do see your point about the problem with it and I look forward to being "enough of a woman" to react the same way :-) And certainly there's lots to be anxious about, I'd also suggest writing it down, whether it's here or just for yourself. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go just to write down any strong feelings I encounter through the day. xoxo Christie

I wrote about my consultation for breast augmentation recently and now just wanted to say like with my GRS I will by blogging about this part of my journey. So far I have a pre-surgery appointment on May, 8th were they go over what will happen on the day of surgery, May 21st. My friend is being driven down from her home, thirty minutes from me to stay overnight, next day come with me to the hospital, we are taking a taxi. She will then come home with me after roughly a four hour surgery and stay with me for at least three days. I did tell her (from past experiences) that I am easy to be with and she does know about me after surgery come to think about it as she was there for me after GRS. From what I have been told I will need to be at home for four days then for two weeks wear a special bra for support. More to follow...

Good luck Karen! And thank you for sharing information about your journey, it's very interesting and helpful, especially as a "newbie" :-)

All the Best Wishes Karen. Veronica.

Good Luck Karen, I hope it all goes well for you. Eve

A very beautyful and heartfelt letter! It sounds perfect.

Gosh - when you think about it, my life will be full of little coming out letters. Probably for the rest of my life! Lol! It's like a barrage of rocking people's worlds over and over and over again. I just hope that I receive compassion when it is "my time". --Lisa

Directly after my surgery I had a mandatory visit with my doctor who takes care of my current female needs which includes administering my hormones which I wrote about in an earlier entry. Well she changed my dosage and also changed my prescription from every thirty days to every ninety days with an expiration after six months for now as she wants to see how I am doing since surgery which may at that time lower or up the dosage. Why bring this up, only because it seems the doctors want to keep you on a tight leash prior to surgery in that my guess is some will over medicate but that is only a guess as one could also over medicate after surgery. What people may not consider is that prior to surgery one still produces hormones but not afterwards which is a game changer. After surgery all one has are their meds. I can see how some might not weigh in all the factors that need to be considered such as you must (or should) take your meds. Couple this with the first few months of what seems like constant dilation can surely in some lead to a depressive mindset. I keep telling/reminding people that surgery is but one step, yet a major step but only part of the big picture. So for those who are considering GRS make sure you weigh in on all the things that go on both prior and after surgery, it is never ending cycle of steps, challenges and joy. For me, would not change a thing as I did the upfront big picture review of what it takes to journey into the gender I was mentally but not physically. So plan ahead and do not just see the ripples but the tidal wave to avoid by proper research and planning.

I agree...it would be cool if you could get those suckers classified as medically detrimental. I just hope that if so, they will shave 'em all the way down. Too often, the most they will do is a "reduction." A shame the patient can't dictate how far to reduce. I guess if they reduce them enough though... then a good binder will work wonders. As far as that goes, a neoprene waist trimmer would work, and be a heck of a lot cooler. -Michael

I agree with Emma's comment on labels, they're helpful in communicating with each other and otherwise harmless until people start making broad and incorrect assumptions based on them.

Dear Warren, Was deeply moved by the song. Beg EVERYONE to click on Warren's link, because I feel that song speaks to ALL of us! Yours truly, Monica

"And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL." Transgender is simply a "catch-all" term that puts transsexuals, crossdressers, and anyone else with any kind of gender differences or non-conformity into one big happy family. A transsexual is anyone who who has "demonstrated at least two years of continuous interest in removing their sexual anatomy and transforming their bodies and social roles," and unless things have changed, such a diagnoses does not hinge on whether one transitions or not, or is able to or not. In other words, just because someone has transitioned to include genital surgery, does not make him/her transsexual, and you "only transgender." The two terms are not meant to differentiate between one who has transitioned and one who has not (or cannot). I think a good majority of the people here (not including crossdressers and those who identify as both male and female, or neither male or female - just to simplify things), have had feelings of being "in the wrong body," or have identified with the opposite gender from a very young age. That in and of itself, makes us transsexual. You are a transsexual member of the transgender community. "I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend?" I've never thought of this before, but it came to mind reading this blog entry. This just might stop people in their tracks. The next time somone starts questioning you, tell them, "I'll tell you all about mine, if you tell me all about your." Might work. Perhaps it will shock them to the point of not knowing what to say, and maybe cause them to be embarassed, too. -Michael

This might sound ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous to me now. Last summer ((heatwave in northern Europe), yes even in rainy old Britain!), before I made the decision to present full time as female, I had to wear a gynecomastia vest to hide my boobs! Bizarre a M to F trans binding his/her boobs......yes it was ridiculously hot, sweaty, and even worse when I wear a wig. So I know your discomfort, I also know, now that I am full time femme, that I can't go swimming because my wig will likely float off! Yes, Summer sucks as you have said............. Cheers, Eve

Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped. I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.