Leaderboard

I'm honestly not sure why I'm even blogging. I hardly see a point in whining about my ___ anymore. It doesnt really get me anywhere and I just end up looking like a whiner. I've fought with insurance. I've tried jumping through loopholes and even my doctor stood up to try and talk to them. But the answer is no, no matter what I try. My gender says Male on it, so my surgery is no longer a breast reduction. It's transgender surgery. But no, you have to use a code for gynocomastia for my claims because I'm male legally. But I dont have gynocomastia? Oh but that doesnt matter because that surgery is elective and cosmetic. I explained that it's only cosmetic because they say it is. According to me and my doctor and the surgeon, it is necessary due to health problems which apparently dont mean squat when it comes to insurance. Because of my stupid ID... Their solution? "Then maybe just change your ID back to FEMALE". Which I can only do every 3 years I was told...So wait 2 years to change my ID for an insurance company I might not even have by then? No thanks. So it's back to square one (until I can switch insurances. Good riddance Blue Cross Blue Shield Anthem!!!! You dont cover squat! ((Only office visits, no labs, no eye, no dental, no ER)) so why keep them!?) Fundraising. Sort of. Saving up money on the side when I can, plus my gofundme. HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU to Artemis and Lori R. for donating 50$ to the cause. So much love your way! On another note, I'm trying something else to try and earn money for surgery. So far I only have about 500$ saved up (8,500$ to go.....). Fairy Jars. Some of you MIGHT have seen them on my facebook if I've added you, but here's a very minimal example of what I'll be doing. While Lit inside: Outside without lighting: I'd made this particular one to try it out and it was for someone in California, but she hasnt been able to pay for shipping yet so it hasnt gone anywhere. I'm attempting to find lighter jars so shipping will be cheaper plus I want to focus on recycled jars and materials so there is less waste and plus I wont be spending a ton of $ on supplies. These are only for decoration and should NOT be used with a real candle (battery operated only) else it will catch the foam inserts and tissue paper on fire! I'll be doing different themes once I get more supplies (wolves, dragons, more fairies, etc) with a different variety of jars in size and shape. Different colors as well. Some may not have as many decorations added onto the outside like this particular one (it was custom, mostly done by Alex) but I'll update and add photos as I get there. Like I said, payments for the jars will go directly to my GoFundMe account as this seems to be the best solution for everyone when it comes to payments and where the money will be going (towards surgery). I'll let you know how that goes... Havent sold any yet (because I have yet to get supplies) but I have a few people interested. We'll see.... In other news, there isnt much going on. Alex joined a few groups on facebook that he could relate to and seems to have found his own little world to be in, which is good I guess. It gives him more independence and a sense of his own life or something like that. He's a little annoyed right now because our cellphone completely kicked the bucket (I kind of figured it would. It was slowly getting really annoying kinks such as the screen messing up and the buttons not working) So now he cant text people while we're at work or something. I have to get a new one ASAP for work and whatnot but the people I share my verizon plan with are being a pain in my ____ about if I should upgrade through the account or just buy a prepaid. I have no idea what I'm looking at and theyre all just brushing it off like it's nothing but I NEED a phone for work. I'm giving them another day to figure it out before I do it on my own, to hell with their advice or preferences. My job is more important than their preferences on MY phone. Yes, I'm in a slightly cranky mood....I blame shark week. Dyphoria is totally kicking my butt tonight and it's made me severely annoyed. Plus getting to work and climbing into the work jeep---oh look, it's out of gas. Climb into the work van instead---oh look, two flat tires. Try to fill the tires back up and end up ripping off the stupid hub caps because they were preventing the damn nozzle from putting air in the tire---oh great, I cant get one back on. Try kicking and oh nice, I split one of my toenails because I forgot I had sneakers on and not my steeltoe boots.... Ugh, it's been a lovely night. Plus I dont remember if I said this but I apparently have a damaged Trapezius muscle which is preventing me from exercising so I've gained weight and feel horrible plus it keeps siezing up every few days. Oh yeah and my 225mg of thyroid medication (highest dose I'm allowed) isnt working and I might have three tumors in my thyroid glands. YAY ME! -__- I'm going to bed now.....>.> Ren

He's been looking for ages, there's not much else around here.

Writing that was hard. I tried to be overly articulate, and it was crap. I tried to write it like a report, and that was crap. Finally I just freeform wrote it, fixed typos, and e-mailed it without reading it over and over and judging myself. Writing it reminded me how scary a trip this all was, and also made me see how much progress I'd made. I"m not angry anymore. I'm still working on that full trust, but that takes time. Admitting to my fears and problems with the things people have said to me wasn't scary anymore, it was just, this happened to me. Do what you want with it. I guess I really am doing as well as I thought, and writing a 'here is my story' helps me see it. Off to bed now.

Dear KittenNikki, This sounds like a TOXIC WORKPLACE to me! May I ask, does it help you be a better person (bring out the best in you) for having worked there? Is there any way you can look for another job before it becomes so unbearable that it pulls you down further? This may be the wake up or heads up that there might be something better for you out there! Good luck! Yours truly, Monica

I am not a social butterfly. I'm happier in smaller groups of people I really know and even just staying at home to watch a movie or play games. I was asked what kinds of socializing I'd like to actually do since I'd been mentioning going to a group setting of like minded people and I'd mentioned clubs or outings or something along those lines where I could go dressed in either mode and feel comfortable with and get to know others who are dealing with some of the things I am. I do a lot of my socializing online, for better or worse. That's how Bree and I met some of our long term friends who we get together with when we can. We used to do the cons every year and we try to get together at a friends once a year, all of us, and there's the occasional get together of a few of us here and there to spread that out a bit, but locally we just don't have that same tie. Sure there are a few people we talk with and occasionally get together, but my long term and close friends aren't close at all. There's part of the problem. I'm terrible at talking to people long distance. If it's family, friends, or otherwise, I'm a terrible person at keeping in touch with people long distance. That includes friends I'm really close with. I've never been very good at it. I was a terrible pen pal. You get the idea. But what do I need or get out of socializing? Despite my tendency to want to do things at home and generally spend time with Bree on a regular basis without too many others around, I actually do enjoy hanging out with my close friends and especially our regular tabletop get-togethers every week. It was actually really devastating to me when I was forced to a shift that meant I couldn't play on Fridays with our son and Bree and was stuck with our smaller game on Sundays cause despite the weirdness of our sons friends, it is generally fun and a good time and a bonus on that is we don't have to leave the house cause we're hosting it. So it's a bit of a group camaraderie that I get out of it that I enjoy even though I'm mostly anti-social. Not all people who like to dwell online or mostly at home like to do so alone. I'm never really alone with Bree at home, but both of us like to meet with friends and hang out and keep in touch and just do fun things in general. Hell even when we team up in our online games together we don't often just two man it and end up with some kind of group eventually one way or another. I guess it fulfills some kind of social need to meet up with like minded people and to share our lives with people we're close to. Why can't I manage to maintain contact on my own? I'd say it's a combination of laziness and being anti-social generally but I don't know that's entirely accurate. When our friends or family do call most of the time I enjoy talking to them on the phone and rarely do I not want to talk with them. But that's usually them calling us or sending messages online. This isn't me reaching out, but them. I don't have a good answer why I don't reach out on my own unless I get prodded by someone or something. It could be apathy or laziness but I don't have a good answer for that and I wish I did. It's not tied to the depression that I'm aware of as I've always been this way. It's something I need to work on more and figure out why I'm this way but I don't have a good answer right now, just that I'm aware I have this issue with all of my long distance relationships and even with people that live in the same town I don't see nearly every day. So, things I need to work on? Working out a thing with Bree where we meet up with our friends that are closer to us so that need is getting met. I need to set up some kind of reminder or getting in the habit of at least texting my friends a few times a week and calling hem far more often than I do. The hope is that if I can get into a routine doing this that it feels more natural and it feels less like I'm putting distance between me and people I care about. I also need to figure out what this block is but that's going to take work and might take some therapeutic help. I don't have a good answer there unfortunately but I wish I did. This post had a lot more thought put into it originally, but I lost a huge chunk of it either to my network or my browser, so this kind of feels a bit disjointed more than my original, but I'm oping I've presented something that makes sense.

Dear KittenNikki, Think having a FEW quality friends is more helpful that having many light acquaintances. In my case, I have a very few face to face light acquaintances, and a few good friends here on TGGuide. Some of my TGGuide friends have turned into telephone friends as well, which is very helpful as I do not own a computer. Also have a two good acquaintances that I met on a Lesbian Internet dating website called "PinkWink," one of which is now a "snail mail" friend (amazingly, she curses EVERY OTHER WORD on the telephone, but writes a BEAUTIFUL letter, and the other, lives across the Hudson River, and we get together once a month when she does business on my side of the Hudson River. Am grateful to ALL of them! Today, we make friends in many different, creative ways than we have had in the past! Yours truly, Monica

Hey Warren, I agree, your insurance has you stuck in a Catch-22. Here's a couple of ideas: 1. Does your state have an insurance department or commissioner? Here in California we can file complaints with them. If you find them, call 'em up, tell your story, and ask for their suggestions of what to do. 2. Now that you have the firm "no" from your insurance, call your doctor, surgeon, and the like to ask "what would you do if you were in my situation?" They deal with this bureaucracy every day and may have an idea. 3. You might consider creating and posting some sort of YouTube video. I remember a few years ago a guy posted a great vid "United Hates Guitars" that went viral and yes, he got lots of support. Check out his vid and see if you can mimic it in some way. Here's the link: http://youtu.be/5YGc4zOqozo Your vid might be titled "Anthem Hates Trans". 4. Or, you might write a short speech and set up a stage that looks like a TED Talk... call it a REN Talk. People will make the connection and that might help get traction. But try hard to have a similar tone to what they do on TED. Be firm yet respectful. You want all people who see it to understand your plight and want you to succeed. In fact you might even close with a "What would you do?" which I seem to recall is used by some TV show like 20/20 or something. Thats all I can think of for now... Emma

So. Since we both have tomorrow off, and I was feeling the joy of having time to get some things done, and its' a gorgeous day outside, we decided to clear off the porch of all the winter and home improvement debris that has collected on it. It was going well when we were moving the cardboard boxes off the porch to take to the van when we found...kittens. Yup. Six tiny little kittens about twice the size of a gerbil. Have I mentioned my neighborhood has a stray cat problem? So we called around, and the humane society's foster program is full, and the rescue has a $30 fee per animal, and I frankly can't afford a $180 bill for six cats that are NOT MINE. Both my cats are male, neither had kittens, and both have been neutered and i have the vet records to prove it. They are feral strays, but young enough to be domesticated, if someone would take them. So now I feel bad because the plan is basically let the mother take them and move them to a new location, and they will grow up and have more, and our neighborhood will continue to be overrun by feral cats living short, hard lives. The average lifespan of a feral cat is 5 years, compared one in a good home at 15 to 20 years. And they are young enough that they wnated to interact with us, and could be easily domesticated. I feel like I failed them, but there really isn't anything I can do. We literally cannot feed them every two hours like they need with our job schedules, so taking them in and finding homes for them when they are weaned to normal food isn't possible either. Sometimes there is no good answer. And of course Nikki is sad that I won't let him have the one that looks like Yuriko. But we have four pets right now, and we need to keep reducing the number, not growing it both for our financial changes and consideration of people who have to care for them when we travel. I still feel bad saying no though.

Thank you, I just feel so bad that I couldn't't find a place to give them better lives. If I had any doubts about the statistics of feral vs. household cats before, they are gone now, I never see the same cats more than two years around here. I think the five year average is a bigger area figure, and in my area it's much smaller. We just had to dig the body of a less than two year old feral kitten we watched grow up through the windows in our back yard (it's privacy fenced, they like hanging out in it) out from under our computer room after the smell became noticeable. Mama cat has moved them, and they are off to face their short lives. : ( At least Creed and Yuriko were saved, even with her sad end Yuriko lived 14 years and had a busy cat life bullying the daylights outta our dog and her brother.

Yeah he really gives me the best of both worlds. Were still figuring it all out but right now I get a cool girlfriend sometimes without sacrificing the man I love. It's a wonderful balance IF it fits the people in it. I don't think our way is right for everyone, I think everyone needs to hammer out their own needs and relationship balances. The more Nikki is exploring himself the more he's telling me that while he is somewhere in the transgender spectrum he inside himself doesn't feel transsexual and doesn't want to change his body. So I guess that means balance for us, and I'm perfectly happy to straddle both worlds like this for the rest of our lives. As long as I manage to stop smacking myself in the face with the boob at least. Lol. I really am stupid clumsy.

Hiya Nikki. I Do keep in contact with My Lifelong Best Mate, around 4 times each week, by telephone. I have another Close Mate, who I also keep in touch with, also around 4 times each week. Both of these Mate's, are really Caring, and Understanding, in respect of Me being a Male to Female; Transitioning; Transsexual; and that I Am living Fully; Full-Time; as a Female, and that I Am Fully; Full-Time; Female-Dressed. Nikki, You are so Lucky, that Briannah IS being so Supportive of You, with Your Cross-Dressing. I can understand, why You live Part-Time Female; and Part-Time Male ! Nikki, should You ever wish to talk, I Am here for You, and for Briannah, as well. Nikki, You and Briannah have a Good Evening, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love to You Both, Stephanie. xx

I had my weekly therapy session today and she confirmed that she had faxed the needed letter to my surgeon to authorize my top surgery - yay! In this case insurance doesn't actually require it, but the surgeon does - needed a letter from a therapist confirming gender dysphoria. I called and confirmed that they got it, and they did - tomorrow they'll be contacting the insurance company to start the pre-authorization process. It isn't happening until August, but I still was happy to see it moving forward

This past weekend we hosted a moot court competition at our school, and as Moot Court staff administrator I was very involved in the planning, and naturally attended the Saturday night reception for the event. It was my first real opportunity to "dress up" The picture below is me (on the left) and 2 students. I did realize on Friday night as I was packing up for the next day that I had never really dressed in plum before, so I didn't know what color make-up to use - fortunately Google exists and I found that lavender works perfectly! Overall a very fun night! My next opportunity will be the Law Review Banquet on April 1 - of course I just wore this dress, so I'll have to come up with something else for that occasion.

Hiya Chrissy. WOW ! You look absolutely Gorgeous in that Photograph. Chrissy, Your Hair; Make-Up; Ear-ring's; and Dress; are Beautiful. You are one lovely Young Lady, and You can Be Very Proud Of Yourself ! Well Done Chrissy. Have a nice evening. Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx