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Hi Kitrah, Indeed, that's a pretty dress, and if I was your age or younger and single, it would be fun to wear. I'm happily married and sixty (but not too old looking! 😄) so I tend to want a little more conservative look. Emma

My wife recently asked me if I feel that I am female "inside." If I am transgender, then doesn't that mean that I consider myself fundamentally female? It turns out that those are questions I've asked myself and I am not confident I have the answers to. After all, how can I ever know if you and I see the same color let alone if my thoughts and feelings are female? To try to answer these questions I try to look at the facts that I do know and then draw a conclusion: I know that since preschool I've envied girls and women. This has been a constant throughout my life, often considering what it would feel like (and wishing I could feel it) to be one. I thus feel it's certain that I have gender dysphoria. My childhood was shadowed by a clinically depressed mother and an absent father; their relationship was pretty emotionless. I was an only child, and was often navigating rocky shoals at home, trying to please my mother or just remain out of her focus. Some have written that a single mother's attention might encourage some to "become transgender." Well I'll tell you, there are some parallels but we did not have much of a relationship at all let alone one that would encourage me to look at her as a role model.Even in preschool I had shame about my envies of girls. In kindergarten when I played with the girls at their play-kitchenettes I was sure that this was shameful. My shame around my GD was a constant that developed into depression for me. Some ideas: 1. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's treatment of me expressing my gender dysphoria. This might explain why I automatically felt shame even in preschool and kindergarten. 2. My shame/depression may have resulted from my mother's attitude, disposition, depression, and treatment of me (in general). Why not? 3. My gender dysphoria may thus have arisen from my childish observations that girls had it better. My home life was pretty awkward at best so it seems natural that I would wish I had it better. I sure liked some of my friend's mothers. It was like I instinctively knew what I was missing. My gut tells me that the answer is #1, so that's what I'm going with. Okay, but am I female in my head? In an email to my therapist a couple of months ago I told him that overall I always just wanted to be small and treasured. When I wrote it I felt a shiver like, "yeah!" He noticed it too, telling me that it was an important observation. Small and treasured does dovetail with what I imagine I'd be if I was a girl. I'm sure women outgrow most of it but I imagine it's always there, like a foundational right of being female. But I still lack an answer: am I female at heart? I struggle to know. I'm not that unhappy with my life as a sensitive, thoughtful, and fun male. It's just that something feels missing. In Dara Hoffman-Fox's book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery" she writes that these kinds of self-doubts are very common. It's as if we have an internal Protector who is fed off those "am I crazy?" doubts that creep into our consciousness and are so hard to silent. We need to acknowledge and thank our Protector for her attention but consider her advise carefully as it is often presented in ways that prevent us from moving forward. Yesterday I wrote another email to my therapist. (Thank goodness he supports this. It's so important for me to have these touchstones with him in between our meetings.) As a child did I want to be small and treasured, and not receiving it, envied girls and thus wanted to feel like one? - or - Did I want to be a girl, and thus be small and treasured? I think it's the latter but it's hard to be sure and seemingly impossible to know. What I do see is that 'small and treasured' is a common denominator for me to this day. If that supports me as being female inside then so be it. In the meantime I'm satisfied in the knowledge that I have gender dysphoria, that's it's perfectly okay and normal, and that I'm making my own progress in my own time. Emma P.S. I just looked at my profile and see that I joined TGGuide on 10/27/14. It's less than a week from my 2-Year Anniversary! Maybe I should use Birthday instead? It feels like it. I've grown so much over that period with so much support and guidance from our members here. As the Grateful Dead sung, "What a long strange trip it's been." Thank you all.

We have got our divorce and I got full custody of our kids and I still pursued her for almost there years after our divorce because I still loved her with all my heart and was there for her every time she needed me but I guess it wasn't in God's plan because he was ready for me to be something greater at first I thought that was being a better father but as time passed I knew that I could use some inprovment as a father I knew that was not it and I hate to sound self-centered but I have always been there for my kids and I have gave them everything I did not have as a kid they do come before anything and anyone including myself every breath I take is for them. But back to the story I knew god was ready for me to be a woman and I understand that now . I have never been as happy as I am now and as doing so it has made me a better person and father well you could say women now and my kids are so supportive of me and my parents are to and some of my friends are too Well at first they did not know how to take it but they are starting to come around and more open about the idea of me being a woman I know mom loves it because I help her more in the kitchen and doing other girl stuff especially my daughter we have never been as close as we are now even though she has always been a daddy's - new mommas girl and don't take me wrong either when I say mommas girl either because I don't ever ever ever take her mom's place but it is sad when my daughter tells me that I'm the only one that does makeup and paint nails and all the other fun girl stuff we do together and her mot won't and as for my two boys I still love to get down on some Xbox 360 and going fishing, camping, and all the other outdoor activities with them to so I guess the moral of this story is don't be afraid to be yourself. If being different means not being normal then I'm glad I'm not normal as long as I have my kids I don't care what other people think about me if I don't like what they say then I don't have to listen like I said as long as I have the air in my lungs and my kids nothing else matters because when it comes time to stand in front of God he will be judging them and the I will have the last laugh. And remember people it don't matter if your Transgender, gay lesbian, straight as long as you are happy with yourself it don't matter what other people think you choose to let it get to you and you are not alone their are people out there that do care if not I would not be writing on this blog so love you all and look up don't let the trash talkers get to you keep thinking positive.

No, all dressed up and no party to go to! Really, I haven't dressed up for Halloween in more than thirty years. Our friends don't gather for Halloween except to have fun with children.

Dear Emma, Have always loved VELVET and VELOUR. Growing up, as a teen, I received a beautiful hand me down from the 1950's, a purple velvet skirt from a cousin. Presently I am thinking about buying a velour long sleeved blouse in Christmas colors from Woman Within or Roaman's. Have always been a fan of COLOR and TEXTURE! Your friend, Monica

Hi Kitrah, Thank you for your feedback. You make a lot of good points and I agree with you on the litmus (or any objective) test for what it means to think as a female. I just walked for a couple of hours to/from a coffee shop and thought about this a lot. It is fair to say that in my life I've spent a lot of energy considering "what I'm supposed to be/act" as a male in my career, friendships, and socially. I felt like a chameleon. But it often felt forced, insincere. Especially over the last couple of years I've made a conscious decision to just be me without so much filtering and supervision. And overall that's felt good. And in that and in consideration of my historical thinking and behavior I'd say it's a fair bet that I do in fact think in a more feminine way. As I consider men and women that I'm around it is apparent to me that there is a lot of overlap. Not outwardly so much but in thinking and behaviors. When I think about myself as female I think I would be at the more feminine end of the spectrum which is at least partly why I chose my last name to be Sweet. That's what I'd like to be. Earlier today I ordered this dress on Amazon: Urban CoCo Women long sleeve V-neck Velvet Stretchy Long Dress. As I considered it I thought about what I would wear with it, a slip, stockings, shoes. But mostly how it would feel. I realized that I can well imagine how a woman would contemplate the dress and I think that underscores what you're saying too. Emma

With no disrespect I’ve been noticing the more I’m with cross-dressers that two things (at least from my experience in the last several years) is, the majority of cross-dressers will not transition so they are part-timers only and that they never attempt to mask their voice to female mode and one reason I believe for the voice aspect is they only do to trans-friendly establishments. Keeping with voice, I’ve only met three post-op transgender and I’m astonished to find they don’t attempt to change their voice what-so-ever. Sure they are many transgender people that do this, myself included as this fills the package but for the life of me don’t understand when asked why they don’t the common response is “I’m happy just like this” but at the same time get frustrated when they are addressed as “he” which I’ve personally heard when out with two of them. I tell them, if you expected to live your life as a female one must put some effort into the voice else people will not treat you as female and let’s put another thing into this, if you don’t fully pass facially but sound female you will for the most part be treated as a female while fully passing physically and sounding masculine most time you will not pass but believe you have because most people will treat you that way only so to be polite. In the end it’s their life and their decisions made in regards to a voice will either make life roll along smoothly or create pot holes.

Today, Friday, 20th. November, 2015, is the Annual; International; Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Let's Wear Something Purple, in Support Of The Rainbow Flag. If We Can't make it to A Comemorative Event, then We Can still show Our Support, for those Less Fortunate, than Ourselves, Who have lost Their Lives, at the Hands of Other's, or Have Taken Their Own Lives. Here in the UK, We should remember the Transgender Lady, Who had been put into an All-Male Prison, at Leeds, in West Yorkshire. Sadly, She took Her Own Life, in the Last Few Day's ! I WILL Wear Something Purple Today, as I Am a 53 Year-Old; Transitioning Male-to-Female Transsexual, Myself. Please, join Me, and Other's around the World, in showing Our Support Today, this Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Thank You Very Much. Regards, Stephanie.

The Reality of Being a Transsexual By Cindy D. Keranen I am often asked what I would do differently if I had the choice to do it all over again. This is a powerful question and its one I have pondered many times. Looking back I made so many mistakes and it has cost me so much in terms of heartache. I wish I would’ve done so much differently. When I decided to become a, “fulltime woman” I could not have known just how difficult it would be. I was working a good job; it paid well and the hours were great. I was commonly complimented on my work ethic and praised constantly over my ability to get things done. Before I, “came out” no one knew what I was and I made the mistake of talking to my supervisor about becoming fulltime. I informed him I was getting my name legally changed and I would look very different when I reported for work. He assured me I would have no issue; I would learn this simply wouldn’t be true in the end. When I first came out I wasn’t very passable. My makeup was horrible, my breasts were silicone forms, and I was very odd looking for a West Texas girl. I dressed as any other, and my mannerisms were feminine enough, but my features were not well hidden. The awkwardness of my appearance was only further enhanced with the fact I was wearing high color shirts. I wasn’t able to show any cleavage because my breasts were forms. My voice was feminine, my mannerisms were feminine, but it was not a secret what I was. When I came out I was harassed, debased, humiliated, and made fun of by my coworkers who made a habit of calling me by my birth name and also sir. To make matters worse, management was only not supportive as they said they would be, but they apart of it. Ultimately, when I was threatened by a coworker and I physically confronted him my employment was terminated. This would be an issue over and over again. I applied to jobs time and time again. Because it took me some time to get my makeup down and also because I was wearing long sleeve shirts with high collars in the summer time, I was unable to find a job. When I was hired and subsequently discovered, I was terminated because of the other employee’e uneasiness with my situation. There I was, unable to revert to being a man and unable to find gainful employment as a woman. I have been fulltime for almost two years now and still I have been unable to even start my HRT regiment. I am only passable now because I have taken the stand of, “I don’t care anymore what you think” and my confidence and makeup skills compensate for any doubts. I am no closer to now to the end of my transformation then I was two years ago. I shower with my eyes closed, I shave in the shower, and I apply my foundation in total darkness. I don’t open my eyes until it’s at least applied. I hate my body; it isn’t mine, and trying to fix the issue is proving all too difficult. So, my advice to anyone considering becoming a fulltime transsexual woman is this; take your time, get your ducks in a row, and be prepared to find new employment. Save your money, get going good on HRT, and most of all get good with the application of your, “war paint”. Be prepared; don’t make the mistakes I did. If I would’ve stayed, “in the closet” only another six months, I would have had my breast augmentation and the money for my SRS. (I was 3 weeks away from my breast surgery when I was fired and one paycheck). Be sure you are passable, and be prepared for a long and difficult road. I am almost 33 years old and there is little hope I will ever have my surgeries in time to be young enough to ever enjoy all the benefits of being a woman in our society. Please, be prepared!

Yes, I did. I moved to MT, but I am in ND more then I am anyplace else, I love it up here. No one knows what I am, and its difficult not to try to meet someone, but i cannot let anyone know. All in all, I love it up here. Thank you for the blog post and please, message me anytime.