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Showing content with the highest reputation on 12/11/2016 in all areas

  1. So between the cats and a very clumsy Bree trying to get the house ready for the holidays, I look like I tried to go ten rounds with a thorn hedge and a few with a hammer, but I'm making progress with everything. A little triple antibiotic ointment does wonders for cat scratches by the way. Ocean swimming does better, but I live a couple states away from that option now. Oh, the days when I was only an hour away and could go all the time and soak up that wonderful water. I don't know why it works, it just does. I swallowed down the lies the dismorphia whispers, and ordered non-stretchy pants in a 30 waist instead of the usual 34, just to see, and they fit. I did lost more weight, and my pants are not in fact falling off my body becuase they stretched out, but because I stretched in. Of course, my brain doesn't want to deal with it. But you can't argue jean shorts sizes. So then I had Nikki shop for me and got a few more dresses for the boat in the actual right size for me. And I'm creeping up on my first goal, woman's size 24. I started at 38, am slowly getting places. I managed to organize with Nikki's dad and stepmom for an upcoming group vacation, that was fun. The more people involved in anything the crazier it gets. But we'll all be somewhere warm and nice on a boat for Nikki's fortieth. The house is actually starting to get organized, and I have unloaded tons of junk that I don't have to deal with to keep it clean. Developing new habits to overcome that rough upbringing I whine about. LOL Some success. Have learned to make some tasty new things, Nikki is pleased with my efforts on the culinary front definitely. The living room is ready for the tree to come up tomorrow. The front house is all done up in lights, a little guady, but hey, I live in a town that has SEVERAL impressively gaudy houses so mine looks underdone. Seriously, there are a couple so full of stuff you can't even see the grass under it all. It's crazy. Counting the days til staycation for my birthday and our anniversary (18th), which coincidentally begins right after Nikki's overtime season ends. Yay! For four weeks it's basically been work, eat, sleep, and occasionally manage to notice I'm in the house and say hi. LOL Worked four weeks strait without a day off, poor thing is exhausted. I'm impressed that he remembers my name at this point! Hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a glorious holiday whatever you celebrate, even if it's just the celebration of a free day off, and hope everyone has great fun and stays warm if you're not lucky enough to live in the warmer places.
    2 points
  2. Good day all Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me. What I did I don't actually know. But this is the steps that I took. Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere. In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote: My bio * 36 years old * police official with sergeant rank * from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back * 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall * 64kg (145Lbs) * naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed * love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing) * no children, but also not planning on any in my near future * Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still) * Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual) * marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;= * friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by. I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time. Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves. Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked. And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else. I don't say, fear me, as I am human. But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me. As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean. My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do). So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser. Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me. To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move. This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me. Ps. I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST. NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME. In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive. I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness. But seeing that I'm not looking for a relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile. I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier. And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot. With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth. I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank. I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong. I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully. And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police. Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket. I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time. Others I just want to stink bomb some offices. If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself. I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete. Love and Hugs Michele
    1 point
  3. I think a little bluntness solves so many problems. Of course, I've been accused of being overly blunt int he past, so I may be biased to your worldview.
    1 point
  4. Road On Recovery vs A life of Parties, sex,drugs and crime + how i ended up arrested. 1 year ago today I posted on my social media a picture of my everyday makeup routine ''My daily makeup routine, getting ready along with the difference between my wig an d real hair''. I remember looking back to this day a year ago posting it on my social media, very confident, very content with my life. I honestly felt as if i had it all and that i was meant to do something special in life and be part of something great, But who knew only to follow would be the downfall of my existence filled with shame and regret only to end up wandering the streets making poor decisions, my body drastically not reflecting anything of my past self and coming to a crashing point in life of parties, drugs and crime. Today when i got the alert of the memories of a year ago posting this picture an idea came to me. If a year ago i had posted this then a year later (today) would reflect and continue on with the stages in the pictures to capture my downfall and not only for my own self reflection but to show you how a general healthy woman can go from my pictures from above to the new collage only to follow a year later... There are many many things i have done along my road of parties, drugs and crime however there is one incident in particular that really sticks with me day after day now that i am on my road of recovery and that is the night of my arrest. I don't know why and i certainly don't know how in that moment it seemed like a good idea but all i know is that it happened and that in a moment especially when riddled with a drug educed mind and body that in a split second you may find yourself making a decision that will stick with you for times during and after your relapse. One night, or on the fourth or fifth night for that matter awake and on yet another bender i found myself with my 'friend'' on the streets wondering around town, realistically not actually doing anything but somehow the amusement was there and the plans of when and how to get home along with pure safety was something that seemed to be neglected in our mushed and fried mines. Whilst typing this it almost is shocking to me to see how it wasn't shocking in the time of when i right, the priorities and what seemed to be important at the time. Our minds or mine for that matter knew one thing and one thing only and that was the party and to keep the excitement and pure rush continuing and never ending. So with that description fresh in mind it just so happened that it somehow jumped from 11 that night to 3 the next morning and that was when it suddenly became clear to us, after becoming so dehydrated and hungry because that as well not being a priority as well after 4 or so days of little sips and nibbles that it was in fact that late and now buses and trains where not running and we had no way of returning home out of the cold and now raining night/morning. If things were not worse enough both our phones had died so now there was no way of calling a taxi or anyone else for that matter to pick us up. It just so happened that the only place open within any form of walking was a 7/11 but yet serviced by a man who refused any plea to help us call a taxi, not even off his own mobile phone. This resulting in a more aggressive and angered mood led me to continue my search for a way home. On my search just not that far down from the 7/11 came across a construction site where a group of homes where being built. What i thought was a bright idea, allowed myself over the fence in search of a power point to charge our phones with the newly bought phone sager from the 7/11 man who's only help was to purchase one. I figured half of the houses were built and opened up so that i could sneak in and briefly charge my phone. Well apparently the police did not think this was such a brilliant idea and wanted to remove the trespassers from the new construction site. My breaking and entering spree was shorted with the arrest and removal of me and my 'friend''. The realization of the possible criminal charge scared me to my core. It suddenly came to me now that if i was faced with a criminal record, that i would soon be faced with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. Always having to tick the box yes when asked if i had committed a criminal offense, always having to legally tell an employer when in a job interview or in a application to attend university. Whilst detained in the back of the police car it all came crashing down around me. All of the times on my relapse i had never had any crippling realizations of the consequences of my actions so everything seemed fine, i see this night now as a pivotal moment in my time coming to my road on recovery. Luckily and thankfully and a lot of tears the police officers understood my story of that night (leaving out the details of drugs though) allowed us off with just a warning and informed me that there would be no charges and therefore no criminal record and we were free to go. The night did end with the kind police officers driving us home as well. Though i still continued to riddle my body and mind with crystal methamphetamine days and weeks after the incident of that night. I hope my readers or whoever is actually reading this that you don't judge me to harshly. I do allow myself some slack as I do have to be kind to myself and begin to accept who i was, what i did before i can move on and thankfully i am slowly every day doing so and am begging to love who i have yet again have become regardless of who i was. Before i move on to my week update i wish to say i do in no way endorse or make excuses for crime and the stories of my relapse but only wish to be honest and to discuss what it is that got me to those points in my life because it helps me become at peace with the things i have done so that i can continue on my road on recovery plus i hope that it can provide some insight into a person who was on a life of parties and drugs and possibly hope anyone who is still on that path to see what it is you can become or be faced with if you continue down this journey and to show simply that if i can turn it around so can you. My week has had so many ups, more than the downs i can confidently and happily say. I am proud to report that i now for the last 4 days have upped my runs/walks to 2 a day, now at a whopping total of 73.72 kilometers. I again wish to stress to anyone who was on the same path or wishing to getting clean and wanting drug sustaining measures that a run/walk at the start and end of your day is so rewarding not just for your body but for your mind and soul to. At the beginning of my week i came across Delta Goodrem's new album 'Wings of the wild''. This is my latest album i LOVE to listen to whilst on my run. It has so many songs that i hear as being so relevant to my situation i am in. Her lyrics in songs such as Dear Life, Heavy, I'm only human and Encore have given me such strength not only to push on in my run and achieve more kilometers out of it but in the rest of my day and road on recovery. I highly suggest to everyone and all my readers to listen to her album today! This week i am so thrilled to announce that i continued to work on my relationships that i talked about last week PLUS on more and unexpected relationships. This week i did highly want to focus on building brides with my sister Chloe. It started of slowly with texting during the day to see how she was, keeping up with her if anything was happening and showing little acts of kindness. During the week i opened up to her and informed her of my decisions and plans to go to detox and rehab. This to me was so unexpected but i just felt ready to let her in, i also felt this was pivotal in our own road to recovery as it showed her i was willing to let her in which showed trust and faith in her to and hopefully allowing her to allow me slowly back into her heart. I feel this week we have already done so well; she cleaned out her room this week and I after coming out of a bath found clothes all over the lounge room with a surprise 'happy early Christmas, take whatever you want''. This honestly meant to much to me. It may sound small to others but i've always felt like since my transition that it was my fault for how strained my sisters and i have become. I always senses a reluctance and a bit of a discord between us. Her giving me all of her clothes that she no longer wanted and chose to give them to me showed that she was willing to embrace me and just showed a level of acceptance. This was not just clothes and this wasn't just a gift it was so much more so i thank you Chloe xxx. Surprisingly my other sister Kayla, we have re connected and begin our own road to recovery as well. I was so touched to wake up and find she had reached out to me with saying that she was proud of my recovery and that she had read my last blog post and thought i was doing well. This was a great morning indeed. Just the fact that she 1, reached out to me first and was the bigger person and 2, read my blog post and kept up to date with me without even being told or asked shows a enormous level of love and care. We met up yesterday for a day out, i haven't enjoyed myself as much as i did yesterday. She shouted me to a breakfast, lunch AND a day of shopping. We laughed and shared stories of our time away from each other and our plans for the future. My plans for detox and what not and her going to New Zealand and bungee jumping off the highest point there (which i am enviously jealous, that is if she goes through with it haha). I am glad i have both my sisters back in my life and it is something that keeps me sober every day as if i do have an urge i simply look all that i am getting back and have in my life and what i would be giving up if i did give into temptation. The rest of my week was filled with seeing my councilor, my dad and celebrating with friends. I am thankful every day for my sobriety and second chances. Often in life and during our busy days, especially in the society that we live in we often (if not skipped or missed) have moments that are meaningful to us but often move on with the rest of the chaos in our life. I love writing my blog and weekly update because it allows me to reflect on the week i've had and yet again truly feel all the love and positive things that i got to experience and truly be thankful for them. I once read a quote and its another thing that find pivotal in my long term sobriety and that is to 'Start each day with a grateful heart''. I find this to be so true as if we have nothing to be thankful for and we if we do not have gratitude and love in our hearts then what life are we truly leading. If i don't have something to be thankful for then i am not living and not experiencing everything i truly can. I end with a quote from Deltas album and that i really want anyone on the same journey hopefully to take away from it that don't give up, keep pushing through the hard times and continue to be thankful and grateful as it may be easy in the time but don't give into a momentary weakness as u will give up a long term happiness. ''Wouldn't it be easy to turn the page, and wouldn't it be easier to just through the book away' Days sober- 18 Kilometers- 73.72
    1 point
  5. A life of Drugs, parties, sex and crime VS A day in the life of detox and sobriety As of couple days after posting my last week’s blog I got the call from my councillor letting me know that there had a bed become avaible at a detox and if I wanted to I could go in as of Tuesday. Today’s weekly blog post is aimed to hopefully provide some insight as to my first week in detox, the pros, cons, challenges I had any just the life I’ve been leading whilst in here. I begin my detox journey being picked up by my councillor who makes way to my house at 9 am. The earliest I had probably been in up in a while. In the hours the night before I had organised to see my father and any family that I could to say goodbye and let them know of my arrangements. When I got the call originally I jumped up with glee and was excited beyond any measure. Any fears or possible nervous scenarios that might play out later seemed not to be in question, only the promise of a better tomorrow and hopefully Blair. I had already done so much work prior to this phone call. As you all would have known from my prior blog last week I had been sober more than 2 weeks and had increased my runs to 2 a day. I had already so much under my belt and had been doing this myself with ought any assistance from a detox centre etc. so I was not concerned as much, to be honest I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder with my pre-existed ideas of how easy life was going to be in here since I had done it on my own already, However my stay so far (on day 6 writing this) has had so many ups, happy memories, laughs and genuine progress on my road to recovery it has had its time of stress, tears and breakdowns along with self-doubt and any other unpleasant emotion I had suppressed seemed to come out. I am very lucky that I write this sentence; I have had not many repeated experiences with the negative but majority more of the positive but from my experience from some of the other lovely people I am sharing this detox unit with have at time struggled beyond any pain I have and I will not sugar coat that, I feel I am simply a person who has just been able to adapt to this new adjustment a lot easier than others and my life situation before hand may have been more easier or whatever term you wish to use to them. When I did arrive at the unit my fears and anxiety surely did kick in. I can say that there was only one other person in the unit when I arrived and I will say (with respectfully leaving there details anonymous) that I have connected and had such an enjoyable time with them and already have plans for future when hopefully we may meet again in other rehabilitations or just in life generally. This was very fortunate and such an advantage to my first few days in the unit, as I do know in the past when I attempted a detox stay I was faced with people who honestly scared me and made me fear for my safety whilst also making me fear for my own recovery there. I did arrive and for the first hour or 2 was on edge and especially more after my councillor had left me to settle in. I remember tho just wanting to unpack and settle in. Something about unpacking seemed like the right thing to do. I completed this very quickly whilst pacing up and down my bedroom, which I might add I am so lucky because the facilities in general are so amazing, honestly it is better than my own bedroom. Anyways I needed up letting my anxiety take control and it honestly felt like de ju vu from the last stay and already in my head pacing was ‘get me out of here’, ‘this is not for me’, ‘this will be like last time’, ‘there’s no way I can continue here’, ‘there’s no way they can help or support me anyways’. From listening to other peoples stories on their first days and just in general the workers stories on what a lot of other in stays are feeling are exactly the same and I do know for a fact that a lot of my readers are reading this because they are on the same journey as me whether that is if there in detox, rehab or even in there parties stage hoping to get clean and get it together. This is mostly why I write this week’s blog about this as I do feel that by sharing my experience in a detox program after sharing my battles with drug addiction and whatever else I have shared and how I did cope and manage in a detox program PLUS by sharing truthfully my fears and any troubles I may have had along the way to help provide some insight and maybe get my readers who maybe wish to go into a detox program to receive help can take some comfort away from my own experience in here. So as I did say those pesky thoughts did race through my heads and I already thought within the first 2 hours that I was going to bail. I will say this tho, honestly and I mean honestly if you are afraid of going in to a detox program because you’re scared that you will be one of those people who get to the door and then 10 minutes or if not straight away turns away and goes back home (which I add was my reservations to and a lot of other young people out there too) that the people working in these facilities and the companies in general honestly do not mind nor take any offence at all. This was one of the conversations I was having with one of the workers here and they honestly told me that they have so many young people end up leaving the same day or at the door BUT that was okay and they said to me good on them tho for at least even trying, if they couldn’t do it this time, maybe next time and good on them for at least taking a step in trying and WANTING to get help. This is honestly so true, I know it sounds cheesy and some outreach workers who may be helping you get into a detox etc. will say all this but you mauy7 think ‘yeah that’s what everyone says’ but I am telling you it’s true. Continuing on I did do the typical ‘take a few breaths, look at it from outside your head and emotions’ and I actually and am proud that I did, used one of the things I learnt of the headspace app which in summer is all about mindfulness and helping with mental health etc. and the technique I learnt was to image my mind, emotions anything I think or am dealing with and imagine a road and that the cars are all of those thoughts and feelings. It told me in a session that it is human to want out onto the road, stop the cars, divert them, send them in opposite ways, whatever but in the end we end up with a mess and all these cars (thoughts and feelings) crashing and becoming an explosion. Instead of taking this human instinct try and train yourself to sit back and still allow yourself to experience these emotions (watching the cars on the side of the road) but allowing them to continue on within there drive and let them leave. So I sat back and took a deep breath and in that moment with using this technique allowed myself to come up with a reasonable solution. I realised that I knew that I was ready, that myself doubt was perfect normal and it was even more perfectly normal to have fear and anxiety to new environments and situations. I decided to take a leap of faith in my own strength and did what I knew I had to do to make my stay possible and to be continued on. I knew for me that I needed to just leave my room and jump in, ripping of the band aid if you will. I went down tackled the kitchen and the setup of helping yourself. I used the lounge room to watch my TV show on my laptop instead of isolating myself in my room and when the opportunity to dive into9 the program which on that day was arts and crafts (even though arts and crafts made me have my own reservations) I still took it and aloud myself to experience new things. I am no Picasso but I did allow myself to try and expe4riance and have a laugh and painted myself a canvas and write a nice quote on it. Diving into the program, engaging in conversation and opening up and showing small acts of kindness to the other people I am staying here with, helped me adjust in so much easily as it suddenly felt like a place of acceptance and a place I could make my own. Some of you reading may have a harder time adjusting or might find that my technique of ripping the band aid off or even if your confidence in a social situation may be a bit harder than I recommend just telling the workers there. They are there for you and to help you with your stay there and how to make it as comfortable as possible, don’t ever feel like you’re bothering them or like you shouldn’t as that is what they are there for, however I do know that it is really hard when you do have those reservations as even at time to time I do to. The rest of my week at the stay has been so jam packed with act ivies and outings such as tree surfing, movies, pools, gym etc. I have taken up every opportunity possible whilst also proud to say have been at the gum and pool every day at my stay here. That is another great tip for your stay here which has worked for me and that is to use any drug sustaining methods or things to focus your mind on in your stay when things are hard and apply them or alter them in some way to make them possible whilst in the unit. Mine since my first day of sobriety has always been fitness and though I can go for a long run, it has just been easier with my situations here to go to the gym and pool. This has made me feel like I’m achieving and doing something with my time when things do get bad. I will not act like there haven’t been downs, luckily they haven’t been constant and honestly have been small but I have used that method to help cope. As I have said there are many ups I have experienced in my stay here which has been the support, the hospitality, the outings, the distractions, the socialising, friends, company HOWEVER there has also had its cons, as with everything. The cons would be that sometimes you do have to compromise and adjust your standards a bit more then when living at your own home as you are now living and working in a team, this is honestly the biggest piece of advice I can give you. You are now living with workers and other people in the unit who all want to do their own thing and have it there way and we all know it is super hard at time to be working in a group and having to work in teams. I will admit this has been my biggest challenge as I have not always seen eye to eye or liked some of the things others have said or have maybe bucked heads a few times but it has pushed me to continue to work in a team, mature and become more reasonable and kind so I am thankful for that, however I will not lie at times I do want to tear my hair out (whatever little I have anyways). Other cons would be that sometimes you do feel home sick and things are not always as easy and the things your used to having around you are no longer there, it is a big adjustment and you do have to be strong but there are support systems in place to help work around this, otherwise it would not be possible. This is the end of my blog today and I do apologise to anyone reading if I have blabbered on and on but I will admit this was supposed to be focused more on the days here and the details but I did end up turning it into trying to maximise my thoughts and feelings here and turning my expe4riance into advice for others who are on the same road or who are looking into detox programs as I know that I would of loved to read something similar before I was going. I do see my family tomorrow and the rehab I hope to enter which will be exciting, I am so tired and exhausted from all the activities, fun and hard work I’ve been doing and had here so I will end here. Thank you so much for reading and please if anyone has any questions or just plain comments please find me on my Facebook page (link provided below) and feel free to contact me on there. I leave you with some personal pictures of my stay here so far from tree surfing, I hope you enjoy. *any people in the picture have given consent and permission to their picture being posted in my blog Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/BlairJamieTransteen/ Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/blairb98/ Snapchat- Blair.hill982
    1 point
  6. Dear Michele, Really respect you for being so straightforward. Very much appreciate it. Because I am straightforward on my dating profiles, I thought others would appreciate it, but I learned most don't, because they are into games. Has been my experience that people are VERY DIFFERENT than their dating profiles. As for face to face meetings, which I prefer, it has been my experience that people are able to communicate on so many levels, that I am better able to discern who I resonate or am more compatible with. Your friend, Monica
    1 point
  7. I've had a friend for about a year. Nikki and I met him online, and we all hit it off and became good friends. Through the internet, they live several states away. But still. Ten years of chatting is a long time, and real friendships form. So...several years ago he had a full on psych meltdown and vanished, and his wife reached out to me (thinking I was having an affair with him and he'd come to the other woman, unaware I was part of a couple and it wasn't like that) and she and I struck up a friendship because I was there for her while he was missing and the aftermath. Then she was there for me after I was victimized with something else, and the friendship endured, back and forth every time something went crazy in our lives. I don't have much in common with her as far as interests and hobbies, but we have a common ground of really bad ex husbands that left scars and the trials of life for us have been similar. That creates a strong bond, even if we can't dish on the latest anime or tv show because we don't watch the same things. Nikki doesn't have the relationship with her I do at all, she's just someone I know to him, but he's outraged by what is happening all the same because he's a good person who doesn't like seeing others hurt. That makes me happy. The rest makes me really sad. So, as per the workings of our friendship, she reaches out to me because something stressy is going on. And I settle down with a glass of coke zero ready to listen, offer any useful advice I may have, and just let her unload. I had no idea what was coming. My friend, my long term dearest friend who I trusted with SO many things in my head, he ATTACKED her and one of her CHILDREN. *floored* I was both completely stunned and not surprised at the same time. I mean, I know the psych issue was bad, and I had been trying for months to talk him into getting into therapy, but you know, you can't force a person to get help. You try because you have to, and I tried every logic and emotional appeal that I could, but it didn't matter. And now here we are. And it's gone into full on stalking like the kind that you see on the discovery channel tv shows because obviously she left him after the attack. And I'm just floored. So I did giver her useful advice on what to do with a stalker, having endured that myself (although mine wasn't a relationship based stalking, mine was a crazy woman with borderline personality disorder), and tried to be what comfort I could. You never see it coming, ya know? Even knowing there were issues, there was nothing indicating this. He'd had simple breakups with other women in the past, no crazy. Maybe his condition degenerates with age? I don't know. No one involved would have ever dreamed this would happen. And isn't that what they always say when you watch those shows? It really is easy to be blindsided. Even for people alert to odd behavior. We were more worried about him harming himself than other people, and boy we were mistaken. But when I'm not trying to help her, I'm just sad. Sad that someone I LIKED would be that kind of person. Sad for the friendship that is obviously over, this is a huge dealbreaker for me given my history and the fear it's causing my other friend and the children (they are hers, not shared, so at least she can cut him out entirely and not have that complication!). But...ten years of shared history and memories don't just vanish, and there is a mourning phase. And sometimes I have an instinct to try to rationalize it away so I don't have to lose that. I know better, but I do understand why so many people protect loved ones that might have done something, it's not that easy to throw away a person. Especially parents. So...even though it's kinda hurting, it's a good life lesson in perspective about not really understanding other people's choices until you're in the situation and learn how your own feelings and life experiences play out in how you deal with it. I'm not sure how I would react if it was someone ever closer to me like my child or husband, or one of my lifelong friends. I guess it's not surprising we can never really know what is in another person given we don't really know what is in OURSELVES until we are confronted with something and have to go through it and learn who we are in those moments. It's so important to make choice, and not just act on instince I think. My instinct says he's ill, not his fault, but I realize this is a defining moment of who I am and who I'm going to be. Nothing in that was okay. He was alerted to the fact that he needed help, ignored it, and hurt someone. Even if it was driven by the illness, he wasn't so bad he didn't know he needed to do something, he just chose to not deal with it, and someone got hurt. That isn't okay, and even if I'll miss him, I can't condone it by going on. So that is who I am in this, the one who chooses to say not okay, and we're done and support the victim. Yay morality.
    1 point
  8. Update - 12/6/2016 To say that a lot has happened since I last posted is an understatement. I will post more later. I am currently recovering from FFS surgery on Dec 2nd. I had a brow reduction & lift. Upper eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, fat transfer to the cheeks. Chin reduction and shaping and tracheal shave. Tomorrow I have an appointment to hopefully take some of the stitches out and splint on my nose.. I have been off from work since Dec 1st and will be returning to work as Lisa on Dec 19th. I changed my name with the court and my name and gender marker on my SS card. In a few days, I will be going to the DMV and later the passport office to change my name and gender marker there as well.
    1 point
  9. Thank you Emma! I am so excited and happy. Yes, Merry Christmas to me. This has been quite a journey for me.
    1 point
  10. Wow! Great for you! Merry Christmas!
    1 point
  11. Kitrah, you definitely aren't alone in the similarities we all have, but this title I won't renounce because the surgery is done, when it is done. It just makes me the person I am and I also know it feels like I sometimes have it easier with newer people that I meet. But I have gone so far as to put on a bio of myself which I will explain in my next post. Because I have nothing to hide. Emma, as always it is good reading your comments and inspiration that you shine through... Love and Hugs Michele
    1 point
  12. So it's crazy busy season at Nikki's job and he hasn't had a day off in weeks. He MIGHT get one day next weekend, but it's also equally possible he'll work five weeks strait with no days off until the Christmas shutdown for the eve and day. And while he's upbeat about it, all the overtime is paying for our next cruise this spring for his birthday and his dad and stepmom are going (I love his dad, his dad is awesome. His stepmother stresses me out, shes a nice person overall, but she gets randomly weird without warning and creates really awkward and unpleasant moments out of nowhere and talks in a kindergarten singsong voice ALL the time). So that keeps him going. And in an effort to make his home time as great as I can, I spent an hour in the kitchen working on an awesome lunch. I pan fried some boneless chicken in butter, onions, and garlic, then cut it up and tossed it with four cheese tortellini and dressed it with a roasted garlic alfredo sauce after I added some extra carmelized garlic and onions to the sauce, all the while baking some fresh bread. I laid it all out on the table so he'd see it the minute he got him, and I went to the bathroom. For a minute. And when I came out...you got it...my miscreant thieving pooch was standing on a chair helping herself to our lunch. And she absolutely knew better, the minute she saw me she immediately went into the guilty phase. *headdesk* So we went out and had a nice lunch, but all that effort. At least there didn't seem to be enough onion to make her ill, onions are not healthy for dogs and I don't let her eat them. It's impossible to watch this dog 24/7, she gets into things. Two years ago there was an emergency vet run after she at THREE POUNDS of Christmas cookies. Her stomach was SO distended she couldn't stand up when I got home, and did she stop eating them at some point? No, she ate til they were gone and she couldn't stand up. *shakes her head* She didn't get to the bread, so we ate that for a snakc later, and I saved a bunch and sliced it up and am drying it out tonight to make french toast tomorrow. And...I was so mad. I didn't do anything about it but whine a bit, but sometimes the small things just get to you, ya know? People are always saying don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it's just about how you feel inside and not about the actual trigger of those feelings. Nikki gets me however and didn't try to put down my frustrations or minimize the annoyance while focusing on figuring out what we wanted to do now that lunch was gone. He has learned a LOT in therapy, and we have a connection better than we ever had before. And he just lets me be me, even when it's irrational and disproportionate as long as it's not manifesting in a way that would harm someone. They say people can't change, but the reality is we change every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. And when we spend an effort to change together, the pay off is huge. We set a game day for Thursdays to just do something fun, connect in a fun way with no stress. Mondays we have a conversation slot for anything that is on our minds, in a completely safe zone. Anything can be said, and nothing is left inside festering. Saturdays are hobby days, where I join Nikki for movies (he's way into movies, I'm not, but I bring whatever I want into the living room and work on it while watching the movie with him, compromise between my ability to just sit and watch something that makes my add crazy and his enjoyment of it). And it sounds so silly, and it did sound silly even to me when I came up with the plan. But...it's been several months now, and it's working. We don't stick strictly to the schedule, sometimes the talks are Tuesday for example and moves are Sunday, but they get done every week regardless of what day. It flies against the grain of everything I had been taught by my family about how marriage works, and I was hesitant to bring it up to Nikki, but he and I were talking about it the other day and he loves it. He doesn't always think to tell me things on his mind in the bustle of our day to day live, so cuddling up on the couch with a hot chocolate for talk time focuses him on letting me in, and gets me to open up a lot more than I do normally when I'm in the mulling it over phase. And he can poke at the add and dysmorphia in that setting without freaking me out. Things can be worked out. But only if you let yourself feel your feelings. I guess my moral of the day to myself is it's okay to be stupidly angry that my silly grand romantic dramatic plan & presentation were ruined. It's not about the dog behaving badly, or the actual food, but about all the effort I put into it and expectation of a romantic lunch time and making Nikki happy that got ruined. It's okay to be mad. It also got stupidly cold here, so I caved and gave Nikki the thermal underwear and parka jacket I got as Xmas presents. His old one was ratty and he's never liked shopping for boring old necessities. He'll shop til the end of time for cool tshirts or dresses, but getting him to spend five minutes replacing worn jackets, socks, underwear, etc and it's like I just kicked his pooch. LOL I felt bad watching him freeze when I knew I had these warm things hidden away. I'll have to get something else for under the tree now. And it really did get stupidly, abruptly cold. It's snowing. And it was raining earlier, so I'm very happy today that I don't have to go to work and deal with the ice sheet hiding under the light powder dusting. I need to make a list of staples I want to stock up so if we get any bad storms we can afford not to care about grocery shopping for a week or so.
    1 point
  13. Thank you Emma. She did it again. Apparently Nikki didn't take her to her crate when he went to bed, but she put herself in her crate before I went, so I thought she had, and she came downstairs when we were sleeping and ate the rest of the homemade bread I had out in the kitchen to dry out to make french toast. *headdesk* This dog is out to get me this week. So now Nikki and I have a strict protocol that whoever goes to bed first must take the dog with her or make sure the other person is aware to stop this scavenging monster! And today it's hit the funny stage. Yesterdays temper is today's laughter I suppose.
    1 point
  14. It didn't work out the way you meant but Nikki knows what you do for him, and you both are doing great. Hang in there kiddo. Emma
    1 point
  15. I've never been on your road, but I do understand it is a hard one and I think you handle it with a great deal of humor, grace, and self-awareness that will help you on this journey. I wish you all the success in the world and an awesome life to fill your future!
    1 point
  16. Hey steph sorry for taking so long to reply to your comment Thank you for your kind words, love and support xx Its so good you still try to get out an walk and do exercise even with your osteo-arthritis !! keep up the good work. Please feel free to comment on my latest blog post about me in my detox stay
    1 point
  17. Hey Charl, thank you so much for your kind words and support xx yes it is so good too when I see a trans people being open and showing support like all of us lovely people who post on here. Congratulations for your 12 years! well done you should be so proud. Please by all means show anyone who might find this post helpful or even just posting on social media.
    1 point
  18. Hey Blair As always, I'm a big fan of your videos and love reading your posts. When I was younger I went through drug addiction / recovery. It's wonderful to see you writing about your journey. And it makes me proud to see trans folk like us being open and showing other folks who went through or who are still going through this difficult stuff that recovery is a long road, but a worthwhile one. I'm 12 years sober. Keep at it. Always love seeing your work. Love Charl
    1 point
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  20. Hi Emma, I can share some of your reflections and add some of my own. I remember playing mummy in the Wendy house as a five year old too, playing tea parties. Joining the girls and wanting to be one of them. It was ok for them to play with me if they were alone but not so much when they were in a gang. They wanted to be mummy or a model and being a boy I was last in line for that role I was also confused and just didn't understand why I had a boys body when I was a girl. I had no interest in being a boy and so I became isolated. My boy friends were always those like myself who didn't quite fit in. Well no good getting maudling. I know I learned that it was wrong to be how I felt and learned how to suppress it even at that early age. My shame and guilt guided me into pretending to be a boy. My advice to anyone reading this is not to do as I had to. Things are so much more open now. Don't build walls around yourself to keep yourself safe. Take a risk, knock down the walls and take your inner girl out to play. She will love you for it. X
    1 point
  21. Hiya Blair Jamie. Sweetheart, I AM Not going to Judge You, in Any Way, or Shape, or Form Young Lady. I Congratulate You, for the fact that You are looking to go into Detox. Babes, I AM So glad, that You and Your Sister's, have Come-Back together, as a Close-Unit. I Hope that Your Transitioning is going Okay now Honey. Blair Jamie, I Am unable to run at All, due to Osteo-Arthritis, but, I do try to Walk, as much as My Body will allow Me to. Good on You for doing Your Run's though. Please Keep In Touch Honey, and if You would like to talk Privately Honey, Please feel free to P.M. Me. Blair Jamie, Good Luck , Take Care Young Lady, With Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx
    1 point
  22. My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely. My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport. More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock wears off, not everyone is. So I am plowing ahead past my surgery and full-time date. It's like I am racing before anyone tries to get in my way or gives me a lot of grief over it. So a lot of people know ... but there are many more who I still want to tell. This is such an emotional thing for me. That it is hard to be objective about it. I am finding that the closest of family members and friends are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with it. I have been working with HR to update the policy and come up with a communications plan to the company and customers. Not everyone knows yet, just management, task leads and HR. But everyone will find out in November. I have support group tomorrow and I am trying to organize my thoughts. So much has happened these last two months. Love to all, --Lisa
    1 point
  23. Best of luck to you for a complication free surgery and recovery!
    1 point
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