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I continue to grow as a person. I have been dealing with issues my whole life. Now that I am accepting myself as who I am meant to be I find it more freeing. I am wearing more of my bras and pretty much all female outfits in public now. My breasts are sore and my nipples hurt those have been for a while now. And I haven't even taken anything to create that at all. I guess I am a lucky one. Having an overactive pituitary gland has forced my hand and forced me to accept myself. Having a higher than normal estrogen level and lower testosterone levels. My hair is softer and my body hair is growing slower. I have been exfoliating with tea tree and mint body wash and a body buffer. My skin is so soft. I am finding that I am more caring than ever. But on the down side I am over emotional sometimes. I take offense to little things that shouldn't matter. I even bought some new panties yesterday and the woman in the checkout isle said nothing about it at all. It was no big deal. I even when I was looking at some in the lingerie dept a woman who worked in the dept. Asked if I needed any help. I said I am not sure. She said if you do let me know sweetie. If you need help finding your size or anything. That made me feel really good. It's nice when you have a good experience out. Tomorrow I have a Dr appt. For refills on my back scripts but I am also gonna ask her about my gender Dysphoria. And see what happens from there. I am gonna ask if she knows of a local therapist or anything. Idk if my ins. Covers med for transitions or not. But T blockers would help I think with my Dysphoria more. There are still so many things I look at in the mirror and go darn I look way to manly I hate it. I just want to be able to be myself and really be comfortable in my own skin. I am getting there it is gonna take a while. For almost 39 years I have gone between self loathing and hatred of my body and periods of time where I liked myself. Somewhat and then back to depression and anxiety over being not who I am. I have already lost most of my friends But whatever. Maybe I can make new ones. Idk only time will tell. Thanks to everyone on here for being so friendly and accepting and loving. And there is a support group that meets 2 a month here. But only one I can attend because of work. So I may go this month and see what that's all about. This site has saved me and I am so happy to have met you all. Thanks again

First, my apologies to Mikaylajane for having this conversation on her blog. I'd normally just post on mine or elsewhere but last night I was reeling with emotions so I wrote what I did. I'm still kind of shell-shocked this morning. I have a doctor appt for tomorrow morning and am getting ready now to run out to the Walgreen's for the blood thinner prescription. I'm worried that all this will also stand in the way of my GCS which is scheduled for 1/31. We'll see. Monica: I agree with you and appreciate your support, especially your comment about the photo. Maybe it's time for to me to experience my version of menopause. i guess what I'm most afraid of is that I'll return to feeling the distress between my body and mind which I had for so long before starting HRT. I'm reasonably sure though that I'll be able to stay on spironolactone so maybe that'll be mitigated. Chrissy: Thank you too for your message. Indeed as I was driving home last night I wondered if I could just switch to injections. I raced home to open up a presentation that a local highly-regarded physician sent to me after I met him last month at Gender Odyssey. Maybe, as you said,. alternate delivery might be okay. Unfortunately the way I read this below, the risk is higher for injections. I'm also in excellent health, exercise regularly - all that. But I'm also 62 and maybe that's a factor in DVT risk too.

Dear Emma, When I saw your picture of you hiking with your Lesbian friends, I would never knew you were transgender. You looked like just another Lesbian. Please keep in mind that estrogen drops in ALL cisgender women as they age, and testosterone in ALL cisgender men as they age. Recall a senior cisgender Lesbian heavy/stone butch I knew in Florida (not transgender) who, if you put her in a suit, she would have passed as a cisgender man! Remember, being a woman is from the inside out! Don't let others' problems become your problem! NOBODY is accepted by 100 percent of others 100 percent of the time! Your Lesbian sister, Monica

Yes, I also think it's important to recognize the limitations we have and the things we can't and don't control, and keep peace within our own minds, first and foremost.

Dear Mikaylajane, Live in a small city 50 miles north of NYC that is growing very fast. It has always been clique-ish and clan-ish, but as it grew, it got meaner. Have found medium-sized towns the best. These cities are known to be T/LGB friendly: San Francisco, CA; Portland, OR; Seattle, WA; Fort Lauderdale, FL; and the Tampa Bay (Clearwater, St. Petersburg, Tampa), FL area. Try to participate in as many gender conferences as possible, and ask transgender people about the pros and cons of where they live. Ask people here at TGGuide for their suggestions. Also, look for transgender meetups nearby to find others seeking community. Remember to look for a good overall fit, not just about how T/LGB friendly a city is. Hope this helps. Your friend, Monica

The biggest thing I hate about me is being so misunderstood. People think that Me being different that its ok to call me names look at me funny. If I take my son to the park and other families are there I get looked at funny and round up their kids away from me. I don't look as a passable female at all. So I guess that means to them I am a predator or something. Being called names like freak and gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay but I don't identify that way. That is desperate from gender. I wish people were more informed and understanding. I am tired of being treated poorly. I just want to be me have fun raise my son. What's wrong with that? I have already lost all my friends and most of my family. I haven't even told them how I see myself. I mean Idk how I see myself Anyways. My ex told a lot of them about who I am at least in her eyes and outed me to them. So they know but I get no chance to defend myself or explain because it's just ignored. I am ignored by all. I have no one left. It a sad closed off world. Not to mention. Of the guys at work knew I would be made even more miserable. Everyone in my life is narrow minded. I am just tired. Its exhausting

I don’t want to be a downer but neither of us will ever be a cis female. Of late I’ve been labeling myself a woman of transgender experience, the point being I’m first and most importantly a woman but indeed I have a trans history and will always be trans. Today I drove myself to the emergency room because I suspected deep vein thrombosis in my left calf muscle, which is a known risk for HRT. Unfortunately they confirmed it and it’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be told to discontinue estrogen. I want to cry. I’ve gone through so much to get here — lots more than most cis women — and now I have to downshift from progress. Oh, and the ultrasound technician misgendered me despite the “F” on my chart, my legal name, the clothing I wear, the voice I’ve worked on so hard, my hair, my jewelry. She didn’t mean anything by it. She practically started crying herself when I calmly and privately pointed out her error. In some ways I don’t need to pass. I’m fine with being trans. But in many other ways I get very sad when I’m reminded that I’m not a cis woman. I just want to pack up the tent and retire to a cabin deep in the woods. Even if I did consistently pass I’d always feel a bit on edge, like a secret agent behind enemy lines. So that’s not a solution either. I know these emotions will decay and a couple of days from now I’ll be fine. But still. It’s safe to say that transitioning isn’t a cure-all. It’s better than not, certainly. But we’ll always be trans.