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Well, you asked! <6 years: preschool and kindergarten Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy. Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it. Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.” Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschool Playing with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would think Playing with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters 6-12 years: grade school Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st grade Wished I could be a mermaid Wanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear? Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop. Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on bars Unexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for me Bedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie. Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly. TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched Favorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of Thomasina Wanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school 13-18 years: junior and high school Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for me Hand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetings Trying on girdles from Goodwill bag Cutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bed Bought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me. Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the evening Lake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely. Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautious Stole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing Found yellow girly panties on lawn Found multicolored panties in HS parking lot 18-24 years: college More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be. Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dorm Halloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out. Twenties More clothing and dressing. Found navy blue dance panties in parking lot Bought leotard and tights at dance store Bought leotard at flea market Halloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours. Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless. Wearing leotard/panties during sex Thirties Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing. Wearing panties and nightgown during sex Visited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared. Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerie Lingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockings Forties Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal. Accumulating very small wardrobe KOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie. Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated. Serious suicide considerations Carla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, other Fifties Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. Bringing leotard and tights on business trips It all emerges again: much more exploration Confrontations with wife Serious suicide attempts, much consideration Clothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store... Judy Van Maasdam’s confirmation Attended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with Judy Participation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLife Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Sixties With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own? Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both. Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed Coming out to family and friends: all going relatively well Increasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transition Attended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people. Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book (You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery) and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided them with edits for their 2nd edition. Three days of transformation, living, and going out at Over The Rainbow in Portland. I loved it. Building up cosmetics, having fun experimenting and learning. Update (Summer 2017 thru September 2018) Started transitioning to Emma just over a year ago, living full time, never happier or more at peace in my life. No thoughts or worries about “de-transitioning.” Still some social anxiety but mostly gone. Life’s good. 100% out to all professional colleagues, friends, family. Most are very supportive, I even learned from one colleague that his son is possibly trans or gender variant. Divorce finalized December 2017; she and I still talk at least weekly, often for an hour or more, listening to each other, support, shoulder to cry on. Gender Odyssey Conference (Seattle): Attended August 2017, dressed as a woman (wig and all) for three days. Wonderful experience, learned a lot, made new friends. August 2018: attended all four days as a Session Host, had a fantastic time introducing speakers, managing the room, helping and talking with attendees. Started HRT 9/11/17: Consulted with an endocrinologist with an idea for an experiment for low-dose HRT. He agreed, I tried it, and loved it. Never looked back. Donated all of my male clothing to charity, now very comfortable shopping anywhere. Feminine voice training with Sandy Hirsch: went very well Legally changed my name and gender marker in all state and federai records Happily accepted by local lesbian groups for hiking, camping, and just fun. Several new and great friends. Joined Human Rights Campaign as a volunteer; hoping for greater responsibilities soon. GCS scheduled for 1/31/19.

I certainly started borrowing clothing from my mother’s drawers early in elementary school. I even sewed my own out of rags in junior high. One thing really helped me determine and accept that I’m trans and that was to create a list of things I did and fantasized about throughout my life. I broke it down into major age groups such as: - pre school - elementary school - junior high and high school - 20s - 30s - etc Within each timeframe I had a bulleted list of single sentences that reminded me of the event or activity. It took me some days to get it filled in because I kept remembering things that needed to be added. When it was complete I shared it with my therapist who remarked that he could not imagine someone who is not trans as having such a list, showing how my fantasies and feelings are such a consistent thread in my life. This idea might help others too. But I recommend that you enter it into a file or write it out. Trying to keep it all in one’s mind is next to impossible and prevents one’s ability to see the whole picture.

"These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime." Well done Tilly - That was a brave step, I am so glad that you enjoyed your time out with your friends! 💛

Thank you Emma, that I s so close to me through college. Obviously some of the details are a little different, but it looks very familiar.

Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were. I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing), After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently). While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work. I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers. As always, all my love, Tilly

When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition. Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret. At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman," however, her question started my mind stirring. I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it. I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times. Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed. In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo. I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure. Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react. I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather. These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime. If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts. But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path. I thank you for all your support, Tilly

Dear Christy, Would love to see your list, if you are comfortable. Feel all you ladies are helping many more than you will ever know! 💄👑👒👗👙👠👡👢👚👜👝👛 Gratefully yours, Monica

Dear Christy, You're right. Don't want to derail Dee's thread either, and I appreciate you starting a new post, so that I can enjoy BOTH threads. You girls know how to get me going! Your friend, Monica

Yes, :"We've all known each other all our lives, just never met each other." So many similarities go on and on.

Dear Christy, Would like to ask you the reverse: If somebody could flip a switch, and reverse time, where you were BORN a girl, but never were a boy, would you? Why or why not? Your friend, Monica

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.