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If you read my blog My First 18 you'll get and idea why I refuse to trust.

I also have deep challenges to trusting people, especially people such as friends, lovers... even my own children. My feelings don't sound as deep as yours but we have parallels. Of course I don't know from where your feelings emerge. I believe mine come from a very awkward, uncomfortable, and untrusting childhood. Knowing that I can put my feelings in context but it feels impossible to dismiss them. I'm continually amazed that people seem to like and love me. When we are apart I gradually assume the worst. And then, suddenly. they reach out, we go have dinner or something, and wow - I was so wrong. Perhaps that's why you feel the way you do about people here on TG Guide. We keep returning to you nonjudgmentally with love and support. I hope that helps you, I really do.

I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone, online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to? One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one. My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off. I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life. Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion? Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; -- Darkness there and nothing more

Funny, you said, "what on earth am I doing" …..same words I used after my first session. LOL

Hi Dee, your picture looks much like my neck (and face) after my first laser session. But should by now (after a week)be almost back to normal. The reason ( I think) is that many of the hairs "zapped" need time to work their way out of the pores. Feels kind of like acne. Washing with a defoliating cleanser and using a non- oily moisturizer helps. Aloe alleviates some of the discomfort as does Witch Hazel. The good news is after my second session, the condition lasted one day, if that, and it's great not to have to worry about any "5 o'clock shadow" any more.😍

Dear DeeDee, There is an Aloe Vera gel available in the pharmacy. It looks like razor burn. Yes, there are cisgender women who have 5 O'Clock shadow. Have a goatee I have to shave almost every day. Also, I have a friend that has a goatee that grows to about 2 inches, and the staff at my adult social program, have to shave it off for her. They have high standards for grooming, and I have seen the staff wash people's hair, cut the hair of a man and shave his scraggly beard, and groom people's fingernails. DeeDee, I wish all cisgender people were as concerned about their grooming as transwomen and transmen! Think my turn at being groomed by the staff is coming sooner than later! LOL! 🛀 💈 🚿 Your friend, Monica

I echo Emma - Tilly you do NOT have to meet with anyone you do not wish to & certainly not to get ganged up on - more than that meeting with you to talk and try to understand where you are and how they can support you is one thing, meeting with the intention to challenge and bully you is quite another. If you feel compelled to meet with everyone out of respect to your parents then you set the boundaries before everyone sits down and if anyone oversteps them or disrespects you, or even talks over you then leave them to tear each other down because nothing about doing that comes from the Bible. 😡

It’s entirely up to you whether or not you meet the pastor with your folks. It’s your life, you’re an adult, so it’s your decision. Yes, you’re folks might be upset. That’s their problem and they can meet with her (without you) if they wish. With awareness of that you might meet privately with the pastor before to provide her with specific feedback about how she overstepped with you and your wife, and how unhelpful and disturbing her comments were. And, if she wishes you to attend a meeting including your parents she needs to be much more considerate and diplomatic. Otherwise you won’t attend. Obviously all this is up to you. I understand a reluctance to violating your parents wishes but if the meeting is simply a repeat of the last one if’s a waste of time and worse, your emotional health,

Is there a chance the pastor was just visiting? Your wording of an intervention suggests otherwise, hopefully they were not patronising, there are affirming churches and pastors out there Tilly so even if this pastor struggles to understand you, others won't.

Hi Tilly, I'm sorry for your experience and loss. Might I suggest that you reach out to your pastor for a quiet and private meeting? As you said, you're confident she came over out of love and, evidently, it backfired. Sounds to me like she'd appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience and, who knows, maybe you'll patch things up.

Thanks Emma, It is apparently a reasonably common side effect, I have done some reading (and have since gone back to do some more lol) and it is due to the thermolysis but as a general rule it should improve by the 7-10 day mark, if it is still as raw looking I will speak to someone though - if it does what it is supposed to do it will be worth it. I cannot stand the roughness of my face just now though. At a Christmas dinner last year I was sat next to a lady that had far more of a beard than I, but she was a crofter and an ex policewoman to boot so she very much just does her own thing and doesn't worry about anyone else's opinion. It would be nice if the rest of the world was so full self assurance that whiskers were not such a big deal! enjoy your fashion party.

I have no idea what’s common with laser hair removal or how to best treat your condition. I suggest phoning the laser technician and/or go see a dermatologist. Maybe the dermatologist would advise that the laser evidently wasn’t set or operated correctly. In the meantime I do know how you feel. I have an electrolysis appointment for Friday morning and can’t shave around my mouth and chin until after because she needs to be able to see the hairs and have enough length to grab with her tweezers. I’m very self conscious about it, especially tomorrow afternoon when I’m going to a women’s fashion party! Oh well, someday all this hair will be gone. Very impatient for that...

How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time? Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts. I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it. After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would never know to look at me. It is so untidy and patchy! but more than that my skin is really dry and flaky and part of my top lip scabbed even with using the after care gel 2-3 times a day - my ex who is not the most observant of people actually asked what was up with my neck when she was talking to me today - I told her it happened after trying to use a straight razor I got for Christmas as a present - either shaving wrong or having the blade under water that was too hot & scalding myself. Do I have to worry about looking like this after every visit or will it calm down? At the moment I am struggling to see even a small glimpse of Dee at all in the mirror. I don't look or feel female - and yet I don't feel particularly male either regardless of how I look. What on earth am I doing?

OK, probably not a unique experience here, but, on Sunday I was at the apartment I still pay rent for to discuss some things with my wife, when as I am about to leave, our pastor shows up...I know she is doing it out of love, but it felt like an intervention. As a result of this, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from everything with my congregation as of yesterday...it's sad, but i felt it necessary. Tilly

Sadly, my biggest supporter right now is my sister, whom I have been at odds with for the past few years. I wish I could have her at that meeting with us, but she lives 3 hours away.

The reason I said it felt like an intervention was that she just fired challange after challange at me...I don't think that there is a chance of a calm meeting. I don't have a choice on weather to see her or not, my folks are going to be in town and want to meet with her and me...I'm not looking forward to this.