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Take this with a grain of salt as you obviously know your family situation better, but as a child of divorced and remarried parents, the thing I most wanted was to be able to feel and express my feelings and conflicts with the stepmom without the pressure to get along. This is completely me projecting my own experience and read this comment with that bias in mind. It just felt a lot of the time like...my feelings about things, especially conflicts, didnt' matter and I was being trained to always view myself as I didn't matter as long as everyone else was happy. Perhaps let him talk about his feelings on the new person in his life, even if they're negative, and perhaps reinforcing the idea of 'you don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil to him as a human being' tone with suggestions on how to behave respectfully in teh contexts of the clashes he spoke of? I know a person know who is divorced and the new person is really problematic, so much so that the children moved in with the non-custodial parent to escape the new live-in so. Sometimes those clashes aren't just resentment of change, but a warning sign. Just my thoughts, feel free to ignore them if they don't apply!

Dear DeeDee, First, about hair removal. If I had never shaved or have not shaved in a long time, I would remove the long hairs with a razor. Use the razor designed for women, with the women's gel. Suggest you to shower first, to soften the hair. Then, you can use the epilator for maintenance. Second, try to reach out and make friends with both cisgender and transgender women. These platonic friendships will be your lifeline. Don't even think about dating at this point - you have too much on your plate. You need and deserve support! Everyone experiences the feeling of being a fraud during a learning curve in anything. Right now I am struggling to see myself as a real artist, not a fraud, when I am struggling to find my voice as an artist, and sometimes I don't like my own art! Know a musician who feels the same, as they freeze up in front of an audience. The only solution for all concerned is to keep trucking on, one day at a time. About the fingernails - all women occasionally break a nail - that is what artificial nails are for! DeeDee, it will get better! Your friend, Monica

I think it's important to realize what we compare ourselves to. I know for me that as I go about my errands and so forth I'm noticing attractive women (young and older), and it's those that I compare myself with. But when we allow our gaze to open up to a wider lens we see that, as with men, there are all sorts of women out there, many of whom are larger than your 218 lbs or my 175. I'm confident that many of them are aware of their weight and shape relative to others, frustrated, and self-disparaging. But they have what God gave them (if you will) and those who carry themselves with pride and beauty, I admire and am drawn to. I have a good cis woman friend who has a trans daughter. She glows from within with energy, love, and kindness. She's also very professional and accomplished. A terrific mom to her adopted children. I love seeing her, getting together for dinner, whatever. She's also heavy (I have no idea how much of course) and her Germanic face isn't what I'd be attracted to as a dating partner, which is good because she's happily married! The point I'm trying to make is that your feelings are very understandable. As trans women we're not only envious of attractive women and hold ourselves up to their "standards," we are also hyper aware of our masculine foundations in face and body. I guess there are two issues: 1. We don't want to look like men in women's clothing, perhaps the butt of jokes and derision, but also standing out too much. 2. We want to see ourselves in the mirror and in our mind's eye as at least somewhat attractive and feminine. Both of those are tough and for those of us who're older especially hard. The most important thing is to try to work on building what we see and are in our mind's eye. Sure, dress as nicely (and appropriately) as you can so that other women will also see that we're making the best of it. You'll find that other women will smile at you. There is a camaraderie between women of similar age. They appreciate the situation we're in and with their body language and smile it's like they're saying, "You go, girl!" Yes, there are some who scowl or raise their eyebrows. I've learned to smile at them as we walk past each other and, you know, most find it impossible to smile back. But, how to build up our own pride and presence in the face of such fears and self-awareness? You may have heard of "fake it until you make it." I'm not recommending faking it, that's all too similar to what we've done trying to be men. What I am recommending is that we go about our lives with a smile on our face, head held high, sitting tall and with good posture, and generally carrying ourselves as polite and gracious women. Recognize when old habits such as slouching or walking folded over creep in and then adjust accordingly. I think what you'll find is that the positive feedback you'll receive will help it become easier to just go about, actually more confident and proud of yourself. It's self-fulfilling. I don't know and I don't envy your situation. Perhaps it's doing things like having "Dee Weekends" where you drive to a larger city/area and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Get yourself out there and learn by doing and being Dee for most if not all of the time you're there. Maybe you hang out at a coffee shop and just read a book or magazines, write in your journal. Go shopping for whatever, presents for your kids, books, anything. Even clothes. I especially recommend looking for women's clothing consignment shops. In larger cities there are those that cater to larger women. We have an independent store near me called "Two Big Blondes," for example. (If you visit Seattle I'll take you there!) Also, take walks, perhaps long ones, either in the city or the countryside. Good exercise and it's calming to notice and love what nature shows you. Perhaps through that you'll gradually find yourself more comfortable presenting and being Dee. And through that you'll slowly find more about what's important for you. If nothing else you'll have much more to talk to therapists about in October and later. Best wishes, Emma

I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath. I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the divorce to be finalised but am genuinely much calmer inside that it was the right thing for us to do. I am not at the stage of looking for anyone else - by not at the stage I mean it isn't even on my radar. Just a pleasing passing thought. Cut to a few hours later where I am slightly less distracted. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud recently - I have not dressed properly (regularly or for any length of time) in weeks now, between being busy because Easter and Christmas are my two busiest times of year, and then because the children were off school and they take priority. But I did order a couple of new wigs, one to wear out and a fun one to wear to pride if I get the courage to go. The wig instantly made me want to dress as Dee - they definitely give me confidence that I am sorely lacking. The facial hair removal is actually going really well, after that horrendous first session I still have a red mark on my neck which I hope will fade in time, but now when I shave I look smoother for far longer - and I no longer need to shave twice a day to look clean shaven, I intend to keep all the receipts so I can tot up how much it costs start to finish. The other purchase that arrived today was an epilator - I have been poring through old threads trying to see how people have dealt with unwanted hair downstairs and most have said they either shave or epilate - I cannot contemplate epilating that area just now but decided that because my legs are pretty smooth after shaving on Monday I would give it a go - it took me nearly 45 minutes to do one leg and I had to empty the housing a couple of times. It stings but is childs play compared to to the laser. I also look like have broken out into spots - the first few passes are the worst and then as there is less and less hair it gets easier and easier. I thought my hair was short, but I am going to shave before I do my other leg tomorrow morning. If I can get used to it I intend to do my legs, rear and arms as losing an hour once every couple of weeks is far better than 20-30 minutes every other day for the imperfect and short lasting effects of shaving. I have moisturised and am waiting to see if my leg feels smoother once the pores settle down. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud - recently I have started to feel comfortable with my transgender self - comfortable with the idea that I actually want to try hormones to see how they make me feel and comfortable with the idea that it could mean a great deal of change in my life, but if I can cope with it then I should be a far more contented person even if it is going to be long and messy and not just quietly done over a few years. Yet I have not done anything, my ex and mum have not been told, when I talk to anyone even those who know I use my male name because if I asked them to use Dee then the kids would suss something is wrong. I donated to someone who is doing a charity event and I felt bad signing my male name even though I had to - if the donation was public folks would have asked. I also wrote an article for a news magazine and used my male name but I find myself hesitating about it now. Yet when I was writing my most recent blog I was thinking about growing up - I always saw myself as a male, I thought of myself in a binary male gender way all throughout my childhood. It is hard to think of myself as a woman without being dressed as Dee - sometimes it happens when I am chatting online, but usually the clothes help me feel more like me. Yet I know that being Transgender is not about the clothes I wear, or growing my nails long (which I am delighted with although one had to be trimmed and ruined the effect yesterday ) or even being able to pass as female. I know that the more I do to remove my body hair the happier it makes me feel - I know that I am back eating healthily and increasing my exercise to lose weight and become fit enough for a challenge next year and yet in my head I am wondering if I will be running in leggings and a womans top or shorts and a mans top - even though I am too scared to leave the house in my pink and grey trainers to go for a run. I struggle to not eat the chocolate in the house at nights - during the day being good is easy but as the evening goes on the more I am drawn to the chocolates left over from Easter. I just feel like I am putting it all on at the moment, like nothing in my head feels different - like I can change all the superficial things I want and yet I will still be the brother/father in my family. That was how I grew up and how I saw myself. I know it does not feel like acting being Dee, and I am using my female ID now for some streams I watch and chat in - I definitely prefer being my female avatar over my male and if I could change overnight without it being a big deal I would - yet am constantly called dude in real life and it is hard to feel feminine, does that make sense? I am still so new to the idea of being a transwoman, I just do not know if it is all par for the course or if I am just kidding myself in order to fit in with some really nice people.

Can't beat gaming time! My nephew is on the spectrum, and I understand what you mean about controlling his environment. Stability means so much! And that is true for all of us, spectrum or no. I'm glad everyone seems comfortable in their situations!

Dee, Another idea: develop a list of possible trans conferences, both in Europe and sure, in the US. Consider attending at least one, and start making plans to go. Gender Odyssey, a conference here in Seattle, was the first time I presented as female in public. It was in August 2017. I was originally planning to gradually add to my presentation over the three days but a mentor advised that I just go for it. I so enjoyed myself! Just walking around as myself, attending lectures and discussions, hanging out and making friends. i'd suggest Gender Odyssey for you but they've discontinued the adult program; their now focused on families and professionals. But there are others. For example, here's one near me that starts in three weeks: https://www.espritconf.com Here's a list of US conferences I just found: https://tcne.org/transgender-conference-list/ Emma

Sorting through all of my Florida photos - quite an exciting story to share - a whole week feeling like and presenting myself as a woman - more to share soon. Dawn

According to the online calculators a female my height should weigh 153 lbs or less, but I am currently at 218 lbs - I carry it well but my stomach is gross in my opinion. I had gotten down to under 200 at Christmas and then have slowly eaten it all back on these last few months - I rarely drink but I do love my carbs - pizzas, burgers, pasta, breads. I have a half eaten chocolate bunny beside my bed that I need to throw out. It isn't so much that I don't know what to eat but more like I enjoy eating too much. I have signed up with my nephew and sister to do a 10 mile night time hill race next March so I am determined to work on my fitness which should start to bring my weight down if I can get back to eating properly and find a routine that works for me. I like womens clothes too much to want to wear baggies all the time - I do not mind being a UK 12-14, as that is average these days despite what the shops seem to try and tell women, but anything over a UK 18 for me personally is too big. It is that balancing act between finding out what is genuinely me and making sure that I am not just trying to be something I am not. For instance when I wear a wig I instantly feel prettier and more girly. It makes me smile and puts a slight spring in my step whether or not I have chosen to put makeup on. Yet male me has been bald for my entire adult life and I am fighting an internal battle to be able to dress and feel womanly without hair because that is more natural - how can I tell my friends, this is who I really am when they will look at me and see a dude in womens clothes and a wig? How do I get past that? I have realised that 99% of the time when I am checking out a woman I am actually looking at their outfit and trying to decide what about it I like or dislike - I like calf boots with jeans and leggings, I love skirts and dresses with loose scarves or long necklaces - I hate little puffer jackets and trouser jumpsuits. After I have noticed all of this then I get to the face and do the - "oh, she's pretty" or not lol. I have never been one for window shopping people, to rate someone else you have to be able to rate yourself and that is something I have always struggled with - I used to love sitting and making up stories about who people were and what they were doing as they walked past I get the internalised transphobia - I realised that me not wanting to be trans but being happy to hear others successes was doing exactly that. It was the same with dysphoria - it took me a while to recognise that not liking my body hair would come under that category. Worrying about the whole, "can I pass" is that too - it is not that I want to be seen as an attractive woman, but that I do not want to be seen as a man dressing as a woman. In my head that is an important distinction. I will continue to write - as you can tell by these responses I find it so much easier to say what I feel when I write compared to in person - my voice is not terribly low, I am a tenor in tone and my sisters are not much higher, but I have a deepness in tone that they do not. Our speech patterns and mannerisms are very similar. I will keep spending my money on hair removal - once a month is all I can afford, but it is giving me such a boost and one of these days I hope to be Dee when I come to the appointments, or at least start to ask about subtle eyebrow shaping and nails which would have to still be subtle but is definitely going to be a way of me expressing myself. With my money going on hair it does mean that for now writing is the only way to express myself- for better or worse the internet and by extension this wonderful community have become my counsellor Through the NHS I am on a waiting list to speak to someone at a gender identity clinic which is in mid October because of my hesitancy last October (the trade off for the wait is that this is free, paid or through my tax over the years I have been working) - my assumption is that they will make an appointment for me to meet with a gender therapist and I will be placed on another waiting list for that; at the moment I am at the point where I want to explore my transgender feelings more in depth, and to pretty much have someone tell me that this is not all in my head (or connected to my marriage ending and that I am just a very confused crossdresser). I want to try hormones for a month or so because from what I have researched it is almost a lightbulb moment in that either it feels very wrong or it feels very right - that would be huge for me. So, how does a country girl go about being a girl when she has very limited time and opportunities? Other than moving to Seattle? Which may be a wonderful future holiday option but is not practical for the average day. 💖 As a total P.S I finished epilating my legs this morning after a shower and my word are they smooth compared to shaving! It is like having that sensation from the first time I removed all the hair with cream 🤭🤭 No perfect all over, but that is more my fault than the machine. I am going to be gutted when I have to go back to boy mode later on this afternoon - I love, love, love how this feels! Now to see if this lasts and if it is easier to stay on top of than shaving alone.

Hi Monica, I think I am going to have to do this soon, I have many cis female friends but will have to come out to them in order to get support and finding an lgbt group will involve travelling down to the closest big town. I need more real life experience as Dee too and in the back of my head I am working out how to keep a mini Dee-case in my boot so I can change and go into town on the days I don't have the children. I decided to share my experience with the epilator because while most people seem to shave until they just no longer need to - I really do not have the time to shave all over daily which I would need to do. Even when I do I hate looking down and seeing the dark roots just under the skin. It seems like a good compromise for someone on their own who is not going to make an appointment for a waxing session. I cannot get away with artificial nails at the moment either, growing my natural ones out with clear varnish is as much as I can hope for, with the occassional stick on nails for a day when I can. Briannah, thank you for your input. My son is a very good judge of character, so I am not going to push him to like the new man in his mums life, but he is being brought up to be respectful and until he is older he knows that he is not the boss, adults are. With his ASD some people can find him challenging, especially as he likes to control his environment - he chose to live with me because it is a quieter and more stable household and he gets more gaming time. His sister stays with her mum, she is also on the Autistic spectrum but loves all the social things that her mum does. Both children have been told they can choose to go and live with the other parent at any point if they want to, but they will still do holidays and visits until they get to 16 and can decide for themselves.

Hi Dee, It's good to hear from you. I also know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I've been living and presenting as female as I can be for over a year and a half and I still struggle with that although not nearly as much. These days I just put on my clothes, whatever I feel looks good and is appropriate for what I'm going to be doing and for the weather. But I really notice what other women are wearing, too. I think about emulating them. I really like this from Monica: I have some trans women friends but mostly I have cis women friends. Some lesbian, some not. All platonic. I seem to have been well accepted for me, whatever that is. We look out for each other, and hang out too. I'm probably lucky compared to you to live in the Seattle area where there are so many people. If I was in a smaller community it would be harder to make such a variety of friends. I think Monica's correct also that we feel like a fraud at anything as we gain in proficiency. As we work on the learning curve our amygdala — trying to protect us — warns that maybe this isn't right for us. We question, for example, are we really trans? Life might be easier in some ways if we weren't especially as we contemplate coming out to friends and family, and living out in public. Over time, at least for me, I gradually just lost caring and I am just out as myself. Sure, I'm shy about my voice at times, and also envious of cis women. But I suspect that you too will gradually feel more comfortable and yes, proud, of being your authentic self. I also like what Jess wrote about being a fraud, or feeling like one. Part of it is our own internalized transphobia where we kind of feel a bias against transwomen because of so much social training over the years. We direct that at ourselves too. This is all good stuff to discuss with a therapist, to write about in a journal. Both, actually. Write more about it here too. Emma

Hi Dee, My thoughts on your ex-wife's partner and your son? Your son may feel he has to choose between you and him which is an incorrect assumption. He can have either or both, or one or the other, or neither either. Just make sure he knows you'll always have his back as he works through this adjustment and nothing will ever change between him and you. Just keep him talking to you even if it's about nothing. You'll always be his DAD, but now you can to be his friend, too. On being a fraud? Get that, totally. Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform. We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too. It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are. On hair removal? Sorry Dee, it's a bummer. Going for my 5th of 6 laser sessions in 2 weeks, and have had some 25 hours of electrolysis so far. Definitely night and day with regard to shaving but not close yet to where I'd like to be. I still have to shave daily ( I present 99.9% as Jess now), but most times only have to touch up with my electric razor. Only 2 weeks into HRT and have heard that it will get easier hair-wise; I'll see how that goes. Still shaving the rest of my body. On eating? I never cared much about my weight before. I started getting serious some 3 years ago and lost 55 lbs. slowly but methodically. Jessica's weight today is not too bad although I still would like to shed another 10 lbs. I weigh myself every morning first thing and get a quick jolt when I've succumbed to those "late night goodies". I mean I don't want to make myself suffer, so I think my only alternative is to pick up the pace with some sort of exercise? On "fitting in with nice people"? I'm pretty new at being a transwoman too. Actually, before I never really fit in with anyone. Oh, it was always just superficially, but now it's not "par" for the course. It is the course.🙋‍♀️