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My dream self seems to have more fun than I do! I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about. This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day. In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy session with the intention of working through how to come out to my work.There was another woman also on retreat and a man that for some reason I "clocked" as a trans man. He was also seeing the therapist so perhaps that was what gave it away, but he was about my height and build, so roughly 5"7 and stocky without being jacked, or overly chunky, he had a 5 o clock shadow, reasonbly short hair and for some reason I cannot understand was from the Netherlands. I have to clarify that I was on the retreat in man mode but the therapist in my session straight after his, picked up that there was some tension between us while we had been eating and asked if I was attracted to him, while I admitted I was I moaned the fact that I was not appearing as me - she asked me why I was attracted to him when I had only ever had female partners and I simply replied that he gets what it means to be trans. I woke up shortly after being persuaded to introduce myself properly to him as DeeDee and just see how we both felt. Not a raunchy dream, although I woke up still in that buzz feeling; but I think while I shelved my sexuality as soon as I started questioning my gender as I just assumed that it will sort itself out it was incredibly validating to get those interested vibes from someone. If I choose to I could tear apart the dream, but it was just a small oasis of happiness, in a fortnight or so of uncertainty and drama!

Hi Dee! This is a very interesting observation, even though it came to you in dream form, and I expect you will have more. Embrace every one of them! Being "heterosexual" all my life, I think often about the future and am well in tune (I hope) with my changing body and thoughts about physical intimacy. I thought I was certain that I would always remain attracted to female post surgery. I'm not so sure, today. Some men, although very, very few, I encounter, trigger that "what if??" sensation in my mind, and in my heart. And it is an awesome thought, too. I still, lean towards woman preferably, at this stage, but the point is I don't have a clue where I'll end up post surgery. One thing for sure, I have no doubt it will be awesome!!! I also have had thoughts that I would be limited to only "those that gets what it means to be trans!". My therapist made a statement to me: "it's just body parts". That made me really think, and I guess it is now gonna boil down to the "person" that I become attracted to, not the sex. May ultimately be male, or female, or MTF or FTM, or non-binary, who knows?? It should be someone that we both can grow further with each other. I am now free, and becoming more so every moment. Jessica

I just read this and am crying now. That's so terrible. You are not damaged, and you are not worthless. Just by your kindness you've helped me in ways that I could never have imagined possible. Hang in there BA. ❤️

I'm watching Family Guy on Hulu right now. In the episode the guys are texting. Joe texts a video of a guy in a wheelchair going up a ramp real fast, doing a backflip, and landing it. I looked at my chair, which is a powerchair, and thought, "There's no way this could do it. This thing's too heavy. Then I realized what the situation I'm in is. I'm in a wheelchair because I can't walk. I'm 38 years old and have been in a wheelchair for 2 years now. I'm 38 and in a wheelchair. I have Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy type 1. Within 3-4 years I won't be able to walk at all in any capacity. My body is deteriorating. Not just my body, but my cognitive faculties as well. I didn't get in a car accident and break both my legs. This isn't temporary. I'll never get out of this chair. Some people may think that it's nice that I have something to carry me around. I would trade them this chair for the ability to walk in a heartbeat. 3 steps and I pass out. Too much exertion. I never saw my life coming to this end. I never in a million years would have seen myself being confined to a wheelchair by the time I was in my mid 30's. MMD type 1 is a terminal disease. It has taken years off my life. Obviously I don't know how many. I've discussed it with Adrianne. If it comes earlier than expected, she will come here and make a post to let everyone know. I hate this life that I'm forced to live. I can't take care of myself fully. I have to have help. Adrianne went on a cruise with her parents a few years ago, and she had some family of ours (friends that are now family) come over every day to check on me. I was in my 30's and had to have a babysitter. I'm a full grown adult, and had a babysitter. You have no idea how humiliating that was. I felt like an invalid. Like I was being told that I could never last if I didn't have someone here. My egg donor was back in here reminding me how worthless and useless I am. I heard that all day every day. My sperm donor was back beating me. I was defeated. I still am. I'm not a person. Even the federal government says so. I'm a nonperson. I just got the news before most people. I just want a little dignity. But that's not going to happen.