KarenPayne

I was born September 24, 1956 but have now declared my new birthday as January 27 as this is the date to commemorate my correct gender. I was surprised that on Facebook they allow you to change your birthday up to three times while I figured unless you have done something along the lines of what I did you would get it right the first time. Some might have issues with changing one's birthday yet I don't. Along the same lines when I changed my gender marker and first name I changed my last name too as this (at least for me) was one more thing what had to be done to wash away my former identity. Something for you to consider or not, changing one's last name might be right for you. The single downside when I did this was my login name at work did not change because after working there for 20+ years it would be a real chore to apply all my security settings. This is no different than a female married, takes the husbands last name, same applies so it's nothing to do with changing gender (way of topic). Up side is I have two birthdays in 12 months woo-hoo.

I still get chills looking back at my scuba qualification (18 years old at the time) the ocean was cold and stormy weather eek.

​Hi Eve, never gave it a second thought as I know well that sometimes wheels turn ever so slowly

Eve, let me say I found it humorous and spontaneous myself, especially when the customer walked in, wish I had a picture of this lol.

I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes". So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know". I said, just browsing, nothing in particular. So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks like a normal dildo but then said "hold on to it and shake it". Well I was not expecting what happened next. I said my favorite toy was, pointed to it. She says, I see you have a high end taste. I came back and said, sure makes traffic jams more pleasant. (note, there are no other customers in the store). She walks away with the interesting toy, I move down and start to check out the strap on equipment, I look up and she is about four feet from me so I said, which one do you like? No hesitation, she pointed out the one she uses and we get into a discussion over other ones. Must have pulled out four of them and LOL we are both pulling them up over our jeans, mind you both of us are standing in the backend of the store with strap-ons having a discussion and a male customer walks in. She say "Want to play", customer "Jaw drops",. me, I turn around and we kiss. Male customer, "oh my". So she takes off the toy and calmly walks up to him and said "what can I do for you today", male customer "I am lost, after seeing what you two did I completely forgot what I came in for. I walk up to the door and said to her, "was nice meeting you", she, "same here, winks her eye", him while looking at her, "you don't know her?", her, now I do. So did I leave empty handed, all depends on one's perspective.

That's so wonderful you found a dress that sounds perfect for you.

I was on another site for trans and cross-dressers and read the following line. The problem is that you can only hold beach ball under water in the deep end of the pool for so long. It eventually will slip out of your hands and rise to the surface. It will probably also hit your chin and hurt you on its way. That is a great line when at least thinking of myself prior to surgery and I am betting many before and after surgery can relate to this. Think I was just about there for the chin shot but happily avoided it. If you have done research for many it's a sledge hammer early on before having much life experience which can lead to dark thoughts and physical pain while others will endure until no matter how much of an effort is put forth the ball comes up.

The majority who are transgender that want to have surgery don't have funds to move forward. The best path is to be diligent and save money for surgery and not lost focus on the end goal. One day you might have nothing to contribute while other times a few dollars. No matter it adds up in time and the key is time. There are no magic path other than saving money but if you have two dollars to spare then by all means get a Power ball ticket for tomorrow's lottery, 450 million dollars. I might play the lottery once every couple of years but think this one is worth playing even though there are low odds of me winning. What would I do if I won? Put my lottery ticket in my safe deposit box, tell absolutely nobody I had a winning ticket. Go about my daily life while seeking out someone to manage my money without disclosing I won the lottery. Once you are known as a winner everyone becomes your friend so I would immediately move, don't know where but would be someplace I was not known for winning the lottery. After that I would plan out my next moves. I would plan out my future very carefully by all means. Any ways, got two dollars, take a chance.

That's good to hear you had a good Christmas

Thanks for the kind words (blush)

​Since I have gone to longer nails I went from shellac to acrylic which are so much stronger then shellac. I pay 20 dollars for regular nail treatment, 35 for shellac and 45 for acrylic. Just had them done in acrylic with a twist, french style where the white part was pure acrylic white and was very cool process, took just over one hour. Now and then I will cut my nails down and go with a regular treatment but that has been a while. My main reason for stronger nails was at least three times I broke my right thumb nail closing my car trunk. Since moving up have not broken a single nail.

Well 2015 is coming to a close, have squeezed a lot into this year in regards to surgeries, lots of paperwork and a brand new car and very satisfied with the results. Four years ago this was entirely a dream, seemingly out of reach because I could not give up what I had in regards to teaching self-defense but then realized that I had crammed many years into teaching and as much as I enjoyed teaching I could finally kiss it goodbye to make myself happy overall. My guess is that many wrestle with similar aspects when they are certain that transitioning is right for them and hope that those riding the line, struggling with making the decision to move forward do so and don't procrastinate but instead stall progress if they feel as I did, unsure what the future might be. For many uncertainty is "will I still have a job", "acceptance from family and friends", "emotional battles from waiting" etc. I know my surgery was right from many telling me I look content, smile (was told I rarely smiled) often, love female privilege, learning to leave male privilege behind as if I never had them. I do struggle with silly things like being able to play guitar with decent length nails, changing pads often when wearing a thong (took a long time to master the back end of the pad), what clothes should I wear today (and rummage through through clothes on the floor often rather than the closet), did I wear that outfit already this week? My taste in movies has change, last night I watched "the age of Adaline" which I would had never watched two years ago but now would even consider purchasing it. I watched it for a dollar so even if I didn't like it no big deal. I experience life completely different emotionally both good and bad. There are day that all I want to do is stay in bed and most times have no clue why while 99 percent of the time I am very happy. Still more attracted to females than males and there has been several times in the past few months I was putty to both genders. I am fully embracing life both good and bad and excited for what comes next.

Sounds like things are going well, that is so wonderful for the both of you.

I work in IT, they had zero issues changing my email address and kept the old email address redirected (at my request) to the new email address that does not show my former first name.

Thought I would disclose my current plans for me in regards to making changes I thought about first then acted on. There were no rushed decisions, all well planned out beforehand. Phase one was gender reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. Phase II current to end of February The Fraxel Experience: laser treatments not only improve the look of your skin, but it will improve the health of your skin and the strength of your skin by encouraging collagen turn over and proliferation. Your skin will become more like it was in your earlier years, and after about a month, it will feel better when touched. I had three sessions done as of yesterday. I don't see a huge difference but a handful of people (whom I did not tell them I had this done) said I looked younger or, there is something different about you. I will say that this is a painful procedure on the nose and upper lip but worth it since people do notice a difference. I plan on doing this once a year.Fillers for cheeks, this was done last week. Did not notice a difference until a week later and this gave me a huge smile. This needs to be done every three months.Botox for upper lip, done last week too. After the first week I am seeing changes everyday for the better.Voice lessons begin end of January, have four sessions set.Hypnosis to enforce what I learn with voice lesson. The practitioner said one session was enough after my consultation. I asked if having a session before and after would help, she said yes so my first session (two hours) is this Monday. On the Frazel, botox and fillers I received great discounts. I used them two years ago for my permanent cosmetics for eyebrows and got a discount then too which they do in December. Phase III (last one) is planned for March which is a brow lift. Same surgeon that did my breast. After breast augmentation I said no more surgeries but after a discussion with the surgeon who did a follow up on my breast three weeks ago indicated I could benefit from a brow lift yet admitted I was fine without one but would improve my female appearance. Admittedly I could easily not do any of the above in regards to phase 2 and 3 but I feel they will make me a tad better. I always stress when getting procedures done to not over do it, make me look natural, not fake.

It's been ten months since gender reassignment surgery and during that time had breast augmentation to complete things, so I thought. Although not physical I now know my sports car has changed me a great deal mentally. What follows next can only be seen and heard so stay tuned for a audio/video for the next evolution of Karen

We had a wonderful wedding and afterwards our reception was in a grand old house, a relative whom is very well off, my band played live, I joined in for several songs on the guitar. For our honeymoon we spent a week in the Pocono mountains where the last three days we were joined by good friends and hit black diamond ski slops. The marriage lasted 15 years and at that point Karen needed out.

Facebook did it's thing and did a life event for my ex-wife as seen in the snapshot below. The first reply is her sister (whom I am actually friends with on Facebook) and the second her. Of course she married me but not as Karen lol.

While performing some research I came across a memorializing for 2015 for trans-people who were murdered because they were different and society perpetuates the core problem which truly needs to change in the home before we see a drop in murders. Some of the deaths were horrendous, being run over by a vehicle multiple times, being stoned to death, burned to death, strangulation. I was not surprised which countries the murders happened and kind of numb in regards to how these murders were done which in and of itself is scary. Not being numb comes from things I have been involved with not related to these tragedies so all I can do is try and guess at what goes through the minds and hearts of their love one’s. This is the page for 2015 with statistics going back to 2007. The general public needs to take note that the majority of trans people are transgender because of a chemical imbalance in their brain. Many times work in the sex trade because they have no choice or have no self esteem because family, friends and those whom they are in contact with see and treat them as trash because they are afraid of things they don’t understand and the big one is it’s how they were raised.

Many people need time and space to reconcile with these matters so it's usually in one's best interest to do so. When I made my announcement to most people the phrase "I am still the same person you always known, that has not changed" was spoken and believe it carried much weight. Continued best wishes in your journey.

What can I say but "I am happy for you"

Hello Matka, I am curious to why you have not created your own profile and your own blog here?

You should do what feels right and comfortable to you, a compromise of sorts though might be in order, a suit that is androgynous, not male, not female.

Nicely done sir, I can see talent in your drawings and also may be the dysphoria in them with regards to facial expressions. Have you thought about doing a diary along with drawing pictures? Many times pictures and words tell a story better than we ourselves can with the spoken word, gives the reader time to pause and think about what they read and see and may be this might help with your parents getting a better idea what you are going through and possibly in the future a therapist trained to work with trans youth.

I was reading another blog post that lead to another off-site post and just had this epiphany that be it wrong or right to think this way but I don't consider myself transgender for a long time now but never actually came to terms in writing before. I go through my daily life as any other female would. Heck today I spent an unGodly amount of money on makeup today, 64 dollars. When I got to the counter I must of had a face that begged to ask me "is your day going okay?: I said up to now, jeez, never realized how much makeup cost and I only purchased it for an event tomorrow and will never use it again NO wait I will because it cost so much. Last time I wore makeup was over 15 years ago. So I went home and spent an hour with the makeup. Then I remember at my best friend's house yesterday she said her daughter spends hours on doing her face, I said, not me, never. Baaaahhhh look at me today, eyeshadow, foundation, top and powder and lipstick. Came out well but then I learned it takes a good deal of time taking it off but that didn't bother me because "I am a girl" and the process was well worth the effort experimenting as I did my eye's twice.I remember back 15 years ago I would impatient doing my makeup but now I am content taking time to get it right but 64 dollars yeek. 20 dollars was spent on one brush alone but worth it (I guess). Anyways as I look back to before GRS and now lots of little things have changed and now taking notice of them. Girls my guess is that some of you will travel down the same path, one day stuck in the wrong body and flash you are sitting in a chair legs in the proper place, hands cupped then someone says something that invokes an emotion and one hand goes to your chest then you mutter a gasp followed by your hand covering your mouth delicately. It might dawn on you later that oh my god I am where I should had been all my life.