eveannessant

Great, Good for you, I hope all goes well, just remember if anyone acts negatively they have a narrow mind that cannot see past the social conditioning that they have been formatted with, and that's their problem, not yours...........

Cheers,

Eve

And that's a thoughtful comment Christie........... I suspect that it's a combination of factors, but at what percentages will vary between individuals... But I'm not sure that your third point is quite right with perpetuating female stereotypes? for me it's more like emulating other females, behaviour and visually. But at what percentages do I put the three factors, I think that it varies with mood.

Drilling down a little deeper isn't expressing your tue self as female, emulating females anyway?

I've always found deep questions have answers like quicksand, they constantly shift, and different nuances to the questions and answers come into play.................

I've got to stop now before I go mad, I just gotta be me......!

Cheers,

Eve xoxo

I can really relate to that, but have never explained in such summarised terms..............

Last but one of your entries that I've read, it's like going backwards in time, peeling away layers.................. You've really gotten the bug to explain yourself, and get your secret offloaded.............

Eve

Yeah I was fearful of rejections too, after being rejected by girls, and used by some others, it made me quite introspective in my late teens.........I expressed it as anger in my biker days from late teens to mid twenties, leading a misfit irresponsible lifestyle taking drugs etc..................I wasn't really happy, I never understood what happy was.

Later when I tried talking about such things as sex change with my mother she poo-pooed it, even though I never let on that I was curious because I wasn't a "normal" typical male.

Lets cut to the chase, It's only now that I feel happy after coming out as a Transwoman. It seems to me that you'll only be happy when you come out as a Transman.......leastways it seems to me to be your best shot at happiness.

Cheers Eve

Your postings are very interesting this is the 4th or 5th in row that I've read, and itseems to me more and more that you really have to transgender, living a lie is unbearable. I had something similar not quite a lie, but a secret that I cross dressed in "The Closet", and couldn't bring myself to tell anybody, it was awful but I thought that I could control it. When I fnally came out to my 2nd wife it helped a lot but untill I came completely out to everyone the secret was an unbearably heavy burden on my soul, think of Frodo Baggins aka "the ring bearer", it felt kind of similar to me.

Shame and guilt, hell yes, I felt all that but now it's gone and I feel free, happy, even joyful, I'm open and honest now, free of my earlier baggage..........

Cheers,

Eve

I couldn't bring myself to like the above it's so sad, but I really feel for you.

It sounds to me as if you need to be honest with yourself and others and stop blaming yourself, of course you're angry you've had to conform to other peoples ideas of what you should look like, behave like and be. But you're none of those things, be yourself, or you'll never be free of your torment of thinking you're a bad person. Other peoples ideas of what and who you should be?.........shit, that's their problem, let them get over it.

We've all got to be who we are..............really.

It's hard at first to let go of what society expects of us, it seems so scary and strange, even frightening at times, but it gets so much easier as time passes, I hope that you do find yourself and become yourself.

Cheers,

Eve

I agree with Karen, you're not a freak, but you sound quite confused, are you really bi-sexual or are you Transgender, or are you both? or do you want to be transgender? Most or at least many people have had confusing relationships in their early years, I almost had a gay relationship in my early teens but later the thought of being with a man, especially kissing a man turned me cold. I had many girlfreinds, but still liked to secretly cross-dress in the closet, but at all times I was attracted to females.

Now that I have embarked on being a transwoman am I now gay? - in the lesbian sense of the term, but after taking hormones for a prolonged period of time I now fantasise about penises, but not the rest of the being around the edge of the pubic area! But I suspect I'll never do anything about that fantasy.

Point is that it gets more and more confusing as time passes by and as one evolves...................I found it best to just be myself, enjoy and stop worrying.

The only constant that has been in my life over the last 5 years is my wife - now termed as partner - whom I love dearly.

I hope that this helps, by showing that you're not alone, not a freak, but just a human being............

Cheers,

Eve

Yes, there's been remarkable LGBT progress in the UK since 2000, last Sunday I went to a pilot transgender swimming session ata Birmingham swimming pool, it was great, no aires and graces, peoeple were all friendly, M to F's and F to M's, full time pre-ops, post ops, and cross dressers, I suspect there might have also been some non-gendered or gender neutral people too.

When I came out and started my real life experience it was both exciting and a nerve wracking experience, but similar to yourself work was fine. Some of my neighbours stared at me though and haven't spoken to me since, but hey ho, that's their problem, not mine.

Cheers,

Eve

Well in the UK an NHS Prescription is £8.05 per item so if I needed two items such as oestrogen and spiralactone it's £16.10. Good news is that we can have a pre-payment card for £104 per year so it brings the costs right down. If I could get a private prescription oestrogen is around £3 for a months supply, however GP's often charge for private prescriptions, so we get caught whichever way we go.

So did you have to pay the doctor for the prescription Karen?

Is a baby aspirin easier to swallow than an adult aspirin.......LoL

Anyway humour aside, having the NHS in the UK is not always the free ride that others might think.

Cheers,

Eve

Lisa, thanks for your comments, yes you're right about self medding, but then I've always been my own person, and done things my own way...........Funny but I too started with supplements and found Pueraria Mirifica to have started my boobs off, but I've posted all this stuff in earlier blogs. I didn't think that it was a waste of money, because I could legally get the stuff, then I found a way of getting the real stuff, and then results were a lot stronger and faster. I was lucky in that I told my GP about my self medding, and she then offered to prescribe for me, before referral to CHX GIC.

When I post about my past self medding I am not advertising that it's a great idea for one and all to follow, in fact I posted that I started oestrogen "way before any sane person would have advised anybody to".

Well you do seem to keep on having fun Karen, you know it's true what people say about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence, I sort of know that I'll never have the sort of fun that you have had since your GRS, being married and not wanting to cheat on my wife, who has stuck with me through my journey to becoming a woman, when my GRS happens all I can look forward to afterwards are sex toys. But intelligent conversation, companionship, life sharing, it's all there for me in bucket loads, so it seems to me that we're on opposite sides of the fence, wanting what we don't have. Oh yeah, when any relationship is new any couple are at it like hammer and tongues, having been married twice, and having had numerous girlfriends before that, I know that the activity at the begining of relationships does not last forever. But as much as I would love a little more spice in my life, I realise that it's the other life sharing aspects of a relationship that are so important, because they last forever and get better as time passes...................., so as much as you enjoy 8", don't rule out the other two possibilities.

Cheers,

Eve

So glad that you're so happy Christie, I knew from early on in your entries in this site that you'd get to where you need to be. I also have been very thin with my entries, it's due to life getting in the way !

xoxo

Eve

I feel sorry that your Mother has given you a cld "medical" shoulder, is she a doctor or a psychiatist ? It sounds as if she's in denial and possibly has some sense of guilt, does she feel that she is in any way responsible for your dysphoria? It's good that your father has shown that he is so open minded after coming to terms with the situation, maybe he'll be able to change your mothers mind..............

Be who you really are, anything less is self denial.

Best wishes for a happy future,

Eve

Dear Gender Fiasco,

I used false breasts and then when my boobs started to grow large enough I used chicken fillets to supplement them. Try wearing stuff that doesn't attract too much attention, you don't want to get noticed when you are starting out on your journey, later on if you decide that you want HRT and you start developing a more feminine shape you can start to wear the more attractive styles of clothing.

If you use a full cup pre-formed bra without seams, you can stuff it with whatever you want, however be sure not wear low cut tops.

Cheers,

Eve

Maybe it's an OSX Mavericks, safari thing......

So the thoughts and feelings when sleep is difficult seem to happen whichever set of plumbing one is equipped with. 

Karen,

I searched twice on the page from your link but couldn't find your story.............

Eve

It scares the hell out of me when men stare or compliment in general, unless I know them, however I must agree with you both that it does feel nice afterwards............However, I am getting remarks about my bum (Butt if you prefer!) from other women, and to think that I thought I needed to cover it up because I thought it was too narrow, not having female hips...................wtf, it's nice being complimented.

Cheers Eve

Hiya Christie,

So glad things are going so very well for you, as I recall it's an interesting and exciting time at the start of Real Life Experience.

You might want to consider hanging on to a few of your old male clothes such as tee shirts, sweat shirts, jeans and trainers and generally non gender specific stuff, for times when you have to do practical things such as decorating, cleaning the house and DIY jobs etc.

Cheers,

Eve

Steph, it's an old (well aren't all steam loco's?) Great Western Railway frieght loco. For those of you who are into railways it's a 2-8-0 2800 class designed by G.J. Churchwood first example of which appeared in 1903, production of the class continued sporadically until 1919.

However the rake of carriages it's pulling are London Midland and Scottish Railway coaches from the 1930's. The train is heading south towards Bewdley and Kidderminster, and is crossing the Victoria Bridge across the River Severn.

Hell, I've now shown that I'm an anorak ! 

Eve x

Hey good luck ! hope that you get a best friend, they're worth their weight in gold, but as I have found out, many are callen, but few are chosen. Those true friends are a very dear comodity, there are are plenty who do not put in any effort to freindship and cannot be relied upon, so look after your true friends..................

Hi Bianca,

Nice piccy,  I'm in the UK, most other bloggers are in the US with a few from Canada, and as far as I'm aware 1 more each from South Africa and the UK. Well, we pretty much share the same or similar time of day. Hope you stick around, and enjoy your journey wherever it takes you............. A supportive wife is worth their weight in gold, mine has now  become my partner since I transitioned.

Cheers,

Eve

Hi Kourtney, or is it Bianca? welcome to our site.

Glad you have had fun, and I envy you your voice! Where abouts in the world are you?

Cheers,

Eve

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth.

The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time..................

I hope that you sleep well tonight,

Eve oxo