Briannah

Wanting to regain the things you lost IS the first step. You used to love life so much, it was infectious to everyone around you. I would love to see that joy in you again and watch you laugh at our dog being stupid or the squirrel winning the backyard war.

So last night I asked Nikki to reconsider his resistance to antidepressants and talk to Bethany(our doctor) about finding the right one. It has been 20 years since I was on one, and my understanding of the modern choices is that the different kinds aren't just different brands, but work differently on different types of issues. I assume Bethany will know more, she's been concerned about his mental state for a while and wanting him to talk over the options with her. She's not a pill pusher, in fact she swings the other way, let's try to control things first through behavioral adaptation, if not, then lets start with the lowest dosages possible and slowly increase until we reach a workable effect is her approach. I trust her not to zombie him out, but help us choose the right medication to ease him back into his emotions so that his therapist can better help him work with them. The therapist has also been talking about them to him. The more we talked, the more clear he made it to me that he ONLY feels sadness, numbness, anger, or extreme high happy. All the other emotions of life are just gone. This isn't unusual for depression, but it does make it such a hard condition to defeat. I have taken them during my first bout with depression, it was what made me able to deal with the actual issues going on in my head and know what I really actually felt about them because it restored my ability to feel. It took six months and two different prescriptions to find the right one for me, but it was worth it. The frustrating part was i was a minor and my parents kept me on the one that wasn't working for four months, two months after my therapist told them I needed to be switched because there should have been an effect. And I think the depression never had a chance to get as deep into me because I was already in therapy for the add and the Dr. recognized the symptoms of the second disorder sliding in and treated it very quickly with the two prong medication and therapy approach. And taught me how to self treat without the pills once I was recovering. Which is how I pulled myself out of that I feel nothing pit I was in in 2011. I don't think Nikki ever pulled out of it, I think he just quietly slid deeper and can't find his way out. I honestly don't know if I'm surprised or not, but he agreed to do so without much discussion, and most of the discussion about antidepressants was me making sure he understood that I wasn't asking him to take the pills as a cure, that doesn't happen, but as a tool to be able to regain his emotions to help him sort out what is happening to him and cure himself with therapy and healthy living. Still no suicidal issues I can see, but l know what long term lack of emotion does to people. Been to those memorials. He remembers being happy up until around 2011, even when things were hard, remembers emotional ranges and the sheer variety of feelings and thoughts, he just can't touch them anymore. That breaks my heart for him. They aren't something I can find for him. But I can do my level best to make sure he is trying to get better, and has the tools to do so.

He always makes me do them. But I got through it and it's most of what I need to finish paying off that surgery debt. So there's a flash of joy. Then I'm almost ready to give up my job hopefully before that dude smokes ME into oblivion with him. I think it's too late for him. Thank you for the cheer!

Doing taxes. Gyah. Just argh. Frustration. Confusion. HEadache. And I'm using the Turbotax site that does most of the work for me but this is still irritation. Nikki's on his own tonight, I'm too cranky to be alive.

Is it really different? The detail may be different, and they are further ahead(the right to marriage battle finally won, more general acceptance I believe), but a lot of my gay and lesbian friends say they feel incredible pressure to be 'normal', face discrimination every day, and they are also facing ugly legislation about stupid things, in the form of those religious protection acts popping up and things like Michigan trying to make oral and anal sex acts between consenting adults illegal (which is so crazy, most hetero couples I know including me would SO be in jail!). While the detail is different, it seems to me that the social experience and pressures are very similar. A lot of people go out of their way to treat both groups poorly, despite both life situations being something the person is born with. I'm not sold on the nature of the variance, sexuality vs. total gender roles, is that different. People want to control others, make them invisible and behave according to their boxes. I would think the treat me normally and respect my right to exist mindset pretty much all of the lgbtia have as far as my experience with the various groups shows would unite everyone in the really big overumbrella. Apparently I'm overly naive.

So the more I read, the more I see a LOT of splintering and unkindness between the different groups under the big group umbrella. It makes me sad. All the groups under this umbrella are small population wise, logic dictates to me that banding together would be the way to go. Rights for everyone, equality for everyone! But instead there seems to be conflict everywhere. Large groups of gay and lesbian hating each other, large groups of both of them hating trans people, a lot of transgender people looking down on crossdressers who are only cd, the asexuals feel like everyone hates them, everyone wanting to erase the bisexuals and force them into a choice, and other conflicts I don't even know about. I think it really surprises me in particular with this umbrella because they all share the common theme of we deserve acceptance and normalcy. With that mindset, why on earth would people deny others the same thing? I know it happens. I see it in my reading, I've seen it in the male-female social power dynamic. There are a lot of feminists who do cross the line into Feminazi territory, who can't tell the difference between wanting to be equal and wanting to replace men as the group in power. Why doesn't the struggle to make the world a place that just accepts people unite us? If it can't, does that mean something? Does it mean our species in it's development of intellect and social behaviors isn't ready to give up the division of groups and the need to feel our group is right other groups are wrong? Are we just not developed enough in brain power to overcome that self-interest only on a mass scale? How much do we as a species NEED the external validation of others? And if we can't even do this on a smaller scale of people with alternative to the binary 'norms' (Male-female, gay-strait, mono-poly, etc.) then how can we ever hope as a species to overcome the cultural, racial, and religious divides and learn to exist peacefully and gracefully together if we can't even handle people making personal choices in their lives? How far could mankind GO if we stopped trying to kill each other, control each other, and really learned to make peace between all the nations? But we can't even manage it inside our individual nations. Sometimes it feels to me like the ENTIRE PLANET just collectively decided to ignore the truth that we're all human beings on the same planet and should be working together. And yes, I have fallen into that trap too. Especially when feeling threatened. It's an easy trap. I wonder if Rodney King knew how really profound his "why can't we just get along" really was.

LOL I'm so whimpy to cold it in those conditions it might be naked dancing under my pajamas in a sleeping bag with no less than four fires in the tent! You are brave! I did the polar bear swim once by accident when Karma bit me in the but. In 08 Nikki and I joined my mom and Daniel on an Alaskan cruise. I was not overly excited about Alaska as I'm a total beach addict, but really pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the state a lot. However, the cruise was a little stressful as the currents had changed, the boat was rocking wildly and walking was a challenge, and my son and I were SO sick the first day, while mom and Nikki were fine. It was so bad 75% of the passengers and 50% of the crew was ill and they were handing out seasick pills like candy. Nikki went out to forage at the store and came back proudly with a handful of individual packets, they had a big take what you like bowl set up on the front desk, no charge. Really nice of them! Which is REALLY weird because mom and Nikki are the ones most likely to get seasick. However, amusement park rides tend not to bother Nikki, while they make offspring and I queasy, so it was probably the extreme motion rather than the usual gentle rocking that gets to mom and Nikki. But thanks to the pills he found offspring and I had rallied enough to get to dinner and eat something. The whole day we had only had a turkey sandwich we split between us while lying sadly in the bed glaring at Nikki who found it hilarious and was taking photos of us. So I get better, and I want to do EVERYTHING! On the third day we went to Glacier Bay, and it was awe inspiring. The glaciers are amazing, and watching the small calved bergs drift serenely by the boat was beautiful. We were the first ship in, so it was all undisturbed and there were small bergs all around like confetti on the water. They had a polar bear club swim on the outside pool. This was in July, so mostly it was really warm on the cruise, but Glacier Bay was COLD. I was standing on the deck above the swimmers with Nikki, and I laughed a little at them freezing in the water. And I said "I will never do that! Too wimpy, they're braver than me!" and went back in with Ashe. And we proceeded to the indoor pool that is in a dome and heated area, and completely didn't notice that they had the dome wide open because they were setting up a lunch time poolside barbecue. That pool water was so cold I can't even describe. I think I sorta ran to the hot tub to recover, and then got stuck there because the air was cold. LOL I deserved it. Laugh not at others, even in a non-mocking way. Nikki mentioned there are special dedicated cruises to LGBTIA, so that may be a possibility for a girl mode vacation in the future. I think that would be fun for both of us, our favorite thing, a really relaxed atmosphere, and hopefully the weird intergroup conflicts left at teh dock, as cruises make everyone just sorta like each other for a week. SEriously, what is with the splintering of the various groups under the umbrellas rather than uniting??? IT's not financially feasable for a couple years, but I'll have to start looking into this I think.

Oh my gosh, I wash you and Violet the absolute best of luck trying to navigate a move in the winter weather! We foolishly did that once, and I swear never again. I will do anything to only ever move in summer months again. I hope you love your new home though! I'm trying to take 2 and 7 down in priority, just there is a lot of contact right now due to my mom's illness and my son needing help with handling her. He lives there to help care for her and the house, so I can't completely bow out and leave him to deal with it alone. And the other side is being suspiciously nice right now, so I'm going with it with a healthy dose of 'what do they really want now?' Nikki is keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm not letting them get to me while I'm distracted. Imbolc was on my birthday! I hope this prints as i typed it, I'm on the ipad watching Clue in the living room. TIM CURRY! This movie is SO funny, it always makes me feel like life is great and it doesn't matter what mountain of things I have. For an hour and a half life is all "Yup, two bodies, everything is fine here!". And demand as many trips to Tasty Freeze as you want to! She'll miss the days when he stops...and need the nostalgia!

Hugs! Thank you so much, I'm just so tired trying to push all this loose sand back into a sandcastle. A whole mountain of sand. But I WILL do it. Somehow. And have given myself permission to stop feeling weird about feeling upset, now that I wrote out that list and realized how much I have to take on at once. Not going to be fixing the hernia anytime soon, the best possible route to take with that is to keep supporting it with girdles and braces until I lost at leave fifty more pounds, and then look at going back to the surgeon with a much lower chance of ripping it open after surgery again like I did. But so far wearing supportive garments has had the desired effect of reducing overall soreness and drastically lowering the chances of incarceration like the surgeon said. I almost have my voice back! *let's dance! I can't sing even with my voice, I'm one of those people with a really weird and rather unpleasant pitch* I feel good again! And Nikki said if the weather pattern holds we might be putting up my pool next month! Probably May, but April is a possiblity! That pool is magic for my moods. There is something about floating in the water looking at the sky while I think over things in my head that is so comforting. I think it ties back to Grandpa again, we spent SO much time in the water having various talks over my lifetime. I hope your wife heals up quickly soon! *Hugs* I'm sorry she's not feeling so well. I honestly don't know why I keep cycling around with my family. I know rationally how bad it is, but...I still want something. I just don't know what. Maybe once I finally sort out what it is I'm even looking for with them then I'll be able to make a solid choice to be done. Or maybe it's just familial guilt so deeply ingrained I don't even know it for what it is, just a lifelong habit. But I'm at least at a place where I can easily give them prolonged time outs when they are unable to act like human beings. And Nikki now understands I need support with the crazy, so that has been better. Now I'm going to go watch Clue. I love that movie. Thank your whole country for sharing Tim Curry with us!

It's like my entire life blew up all at once. I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others. But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once. I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now. Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, but it really is a HUGE mix of my whole world. All at once. 1) We had committed too and started making financial changes in our life, and day to day living. And need to continue altering lifelong poor habits to improve, that's really not easy. 2) Still trying to establish healthy boundaries with my crazy dad and step-mom and failing utterly because they are insisting boundaries between parents and adult children are unrealistic and they feel they have teh right to treat me like crap. So they get cut out, start acting like normal people, contact is re-established, and the cycle continues. I could just refuse, but there is part of me that wants a family of some kind in that direction, not just generation forward. I'm dumb. 3) Restructuring my marriage, from communication, trust, sex, issues, roles, and who needs what as well as how to acquire the material things required given point 1. 4) Trying to actually conquer the body dismorphia. That's so much fun. 5) Major upheavels in my social circle to navigate. 6) My sick cat. 7) Crazy mom and all her issues. 8) the super and ongoing flu. 9) The hernia issues and trying to balance excercise and weight loss with not incarcerating again and needing immediate surgery. See points one and four for the major reasons I don't get that fixed now. 10) Attention defecit disorder and asthma. Always random stress induction. 11) All the self questioning realizing how very out of touch I had been with my own reality. Granted i wasn't given the data for a lot of it, but at the same time, however irrational, is a feeling of how could I not see? That's a big list.

How'd it go? Did you meet cool people and have fun?

Lol. I thought being aged at six was bad but you managed to get newborn!

It took me 12 photos to get lower than an 86% masculine face, and the oldest it would age me was 20. I'm 44. LOL Apparently I have a very boy face and was unaware of it all my life! Nikki is laughing so hard at me. I was traumatized when it aged one recent photo of me at SIX years old!

So...stormed outta the house yesterday. Was trying to talk to Nikki about realizing that even when he is the catalyst, he is not actually MY FEELINGS. And that every feeling and confusion I have, even if they are started by something about him, is actually NOT ABOUT HIM, and talking over me as loud as he possibly could that it was made me leave. I went to the park and froze my ass off sitting in a place i used to spend time with Grandpa really missing him. Then I went to work, and Nikki sent me an apology. He's good with that, taking responsibility when he does things that hurt me. And talking over me and making everything about him like my dad does was was ugly. So we went to get our calzones...and that place was packed. I'm talking there wasn't even standing room to wait for a table, so I suggested going further up to the next city and getting Boston Market Chicken since we both love it and don't have one in our city, healthier than the calzones anyway and very very tasty. (But next Friday I'm getting my dang calzone, will try to time arriving a bit later in the day). The only other thing that Nikki likes in the town we were in is one of those drive up burger stands without an indoors that I actually HATE the food at. If I'm going to blow my diet to have a date with him in dress, I wanted to at least like the taste of the food. I'm selfish that way. So the food was awesome, date afternoon was as much fun as it always was, and there was a stop at the pet store to peer at the animals. I barely managed to hang onto my sanity in the pet store, came REALLY close to walking outta there with this huge gorgeous five year old girl that looks just like my boy cat only had white paws whose human had passed away. But four cats would be ridiculous, especially with the female needing extra care now. And we travel twice a year, and I don't want to overwhelm my pet caretakers. The glow in the dark fish were tempting too. Seriously, black light glow in the dark fish. SUPER COOL! I did get a piece of driftwood to add to the dragon's cage. We have a female bearded dragon I gave Nikki a few years ago for Christmas after my turtle passed and we had space, he'd been wanting one for ages. And I'm good with reptiles if they have legs. I spend a lot of time playing with her actually, she's a very mellow dragon that likes to ride around the house on our shirts. I am SO tired. Spent all night going to the bathroom, must love blood pressure medication. *Headdesk* And I can't find my digital camera. I just saw it a few weeks ago when of course I didn't want it. Sometimes I think the inanimate objects ARE alive, and out to mess with us. But Nikki is talking another zoo trip, the one we took for my birthday was slightly disappointing as the aquarium with the new seaturtle they got was closed! Tragedy! Actually we're talking about going once a month because it's good exercise and makes our membership a great value. And I want better pictures of the seaturtle than I can do with my digital camera, and Nikki was talking about wanting me to photograph him. Maybe I can take him out to the Black Swamp, some really nice vegetation and backdrops out there that would be fun to work with. There is a tiny nature preserve of the swamp about 20 minutes from there that used to reign over the whole area. You can even see turtles through the wildlife blinds on a good day, and once I saw a fox, some beavers, possums, racoons, and a variety of birds. Really nice place I forget to go to often. We actully have a variety of nature preserve type parks here that we go walking at on occasion, but unfortunately a lot of them don't have bathrooms of any kind, which can get awkward for me at least. Despite camping since childhood I never mastered the outdoors squat exercise. Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, it warmed back up to sixty here. Yesterday was stupid cold here! I asked Nikki what our target date for the pool was, I was thinking mid may, he said potentially next month depending on the ongoing weather patterns. That would be awesome!

Figuring out oneself is hard, the human brain is probably the most complicated thing on earth physically and psychologically. It's nearly impossible to ever fully be sure if it's Maybelline or born with it, as it were. Sorry, have commercials stuck in my head today for some reason. At least it's not the fish heads song. But what is most important of all is coming to the greatest comfort with yourself that you possibly can, and I"m so happy to see you getting there! You have been an amazing friend, and I truly wish you all the joy and comfortableness life has to offfer! *Hugs*

Snorts. He's ALWAYS calling me strange, and now i know why.

That felt a lot risky, but I need to articulate things as we go, both for myself to sort them out now, and the spouse that come after. My worldview has broken in very real ways, and I feel like I'm scrambling around trying to fix it. Seventeen years of having to alter my expectations because Nikki is SUCH a guy (not in the alpha male sports sorta stereotype, but in the emotional and communication ranges) and suddenly hey Bree, I think I"m actually a woman really skewed my sense of world understanding. And I'm only starting to realize this. Maybe I just don't understand why visual cues are important because I'm not brain-wired that way? I rejected all the visual cues pretty early on, they did nothing for me and I decided putting effort into them was not a valid use of my time because they did nothing for me. My brain is all about analysys, emotion, and intangible connections. What does the visual cues of femininity do you for you if I'm not being intrusive? My understanding was that it makes the inside match the outside as it were, but Nikki's inside is so confusing to me in terms of male or female and my understanding. So maybe learning something here from you can help!

So... obviously right now gender is a spotlight conversation and understanding topic in our household while we're figuring out how to meet everyone's needs. And now that I have time to think, I'm realizing he's confusing things in my head. This is not a complaint or criticizing post, this is just me working out my thoughts way early in the morning. I'm not usually up yet, and it's hard to articulate these feelings, so forgive me as I'm about to fail badly to express the mess in my head. Nikki has real trouble communicating thoughts and feelings (something that doing is inherently female to me, this throws my ability to see his inner girl but I keep trying) so maybe he's just not expressing himself well, but what he does express boils down being a girl to....boobs, makeup, and clothing. So we talk about those things a lot, but...they're all superficial to me. They are not what make me female. I didn't get a choice about the boobs(and would shrink them by half if he wouldn't have a massive sad and there was a nonsurgical option), and I ditched the makeup the minute I realized I DON'T need to do what society tells me to and I don't care for doing it much(but I don't mind Nikki doing it, but it triggers my I'm not artistic and I don't want to do this attitude), and I grab whatever I can find in clothing. But Nikki only ever says "I feel girly" if it's physical. Sometimes I try to interact with him like I did past girlfriends and he just gets weirded out. Granted I wasn't a very good partner in a girl/girl relationship, so maybe I"m doing it weird and that was part of why they all failed, but still... And that is making me question the whole thing. Not Nikki's needs, but the whole gender thing, and what IS my place in the world as a female? Is it just what I look like? Surely it can't be. Spent my whole life and equality stance on the idea that it's more. Was I wrong? I thought it was the strength to deal with all the ugly emotions, the flexibility in thought and beliefs to alter with every new understanding of the world, my ability to relate and maintain those relationships with others, my emotional barometer, and even the general softness of behaviors that i and most women I know exhibit. The physical stuff is just what I'm stuck with. Everytime I try to talk about these things with Nikki, he looks at me like I just grew a second evil head. He listens, but he stares at me utterly confused and it goes back to the phsyical conversation again. Option A: It's like he's idealizing what it is to be a woman based on what men perceive women to be, instead of feeling like one and trying to make his outside match his inside. Option B: I really don't understand what it is to be female, and have fallen into a trap looking for it to mean more than my outside to deal with societies judgement that i"m part of the lesser population, and am trying to attach strengths and behaviors and meanings to it that aren't there to counteract that feeling of lesser in my head. With time it will all get sorted out. I will keep telling myself that. But I had no idea this was going to make these kind of internal questions come up. I thought my part in this was to help him sort himself out, not have my own sense of self challenged to this degree. Although the psychologial websites say this is a normal phase for the spouse, so I guess I just got to it a wee bit late.

YAY! I'm glad that I help you get through the scary things, and going to that first therapy IS scary. I remember that. I think a lot of therapist set up shop in a house for that very reason, the relaxed homey atmosphere. I loved the lobby, the music was amazing and it was a great place to relax. It's like I get an hour of zen every session you have! And I met some really nice people while they were waiting for their appointments. And that is weirdly an indicator that it's a good place, when the other patients are nice and comfortable and doing well. You asked me to open up what I consider my 'world' as a girl, and managing my hair is one of them. We just have to manage it in entirely separate directions, yours needs thinned out to tame, and mine needs to be encouraged to be more fluffy. Wanna trade?

I want to put triple antibiotic ointment cream on you! I really wanted to put it on my incision too, but was told to leave it strictly alone. I think I have a weird obsession with the ointment. I hope you heal quickly and are feeling top notch very soon, and love your new body! *hugs*

I love the moose! They're both lovely, but that sweet face on the dane! *falls over from the cuteness* No apologies needed, life is messy! We do the best we can with it, but sharing the hard bits is every bit as important as sharing the fun and easy ones! Keep moving forward, even if it's just an inch right now, and one day you'll realize you went way further than you ever thought you could.

Yes, you did. I'm sorry it's complicated, but both Bree and Brianna were taken. YOu're free to call me Bree though, it's easier to type! I will definitely remember that, and thank you for the tip. Part of my hernia repair from last summer ripped open again, so eventually I'm facing more surgery table time, and while right now i"m trying to lose more weight to increase the odds of success, I will definately remember this tip and appreciate you for sharing it! *Hugs* It's sad, because oranges are such lovely things giving them up for a little while sucks! How are you feeling now? Is the healing process going smoothly?

Went to the therapy place with Nikki, and I stayed in the lobby, but man it was relaxing. They had this really zen music playing, and it was nice, and there was this pretty mood lamp next to me, and I was just mellowing out have a nice conversation with a lady until her appointment, then sitting working on a puzzle. I really should have asked what cd they were playing, that was some really nice laid back music. The couch was comfy. And there was water and a coffee bar if I got thirsty. Then lunch, and then we both got our hair cut. Well, I got mine maintenanced, basically did what I usually do, a layered bob that is easy to control and puffs up nicely so it doesn't LOOK as thin as it is. Nikki got an awesome choppy layer cut that looks great on him, and he was excited to show me how the front pieces hide the male hairline pattern. He'd been giving me side eye all week since I sorta locked him into this, but I think he's really glad he went with it. At the place I leaned over and whispered "This is a huge girl thing, relax and try to zen in girl mode and enjoy it!" And still plenty for me to play with. WOOT! Now I"m trying to figure out what to do with myself. It's an overcast day here, and that gray light literally sucks out my will to exist. Now that all the planned activities are done, I find myself bored outta my mind and lacking the motivation to really do anything about it. Dang gray lighting. Back in astronomy class in high school we did experiments with lighting, and had to put our head in a box, and different lights were used in the box. Full spectrum lighting made you feel awesome, the gray 'overcast' light simulator made you feel instantly depressed and down. It was really enlightening how immediate and dramatic the responses were to the lighting I was exposed to.

I'm sorry, and brace well for what's coming! *Hugs* Winter is not my favorite thing, but I confess I'm heavily biologically biased against it, cold triggers my asthma in all sorts of painful ways. I like heat, my asthma goes dormant. I grew up a bit south of you, Jersey beach bum girl! I really really miss having access to the ocean, it's one of the things I never got over losing when I moved from Jersey to Ohio. *sniffles* Usually Nikki takes me to an ocean once a year, but my stupid surgery made it financially improbable this year. OH well, next year is coming! All my life I wanted a pool, and the year Nikki and I finally got one was the best ever. I remember every little detail about getting in the first time (and nearly dying on the not quite properly leveled ladder that we spend six hours the next day fixing) and swimming in my OWN pool in my OWN yard for the first time ever. He was feeling the same way even though he admitted it wasn't one of his dreams forever like me. LOL I think he was a little blown away by how giddy I am over my pool, even now when it's packed away waiting for it's third summer. I'm off to face work, have to go in early to cover a doctors appointment for my boss.

Heal well! I'm incredibly curious, as I do have a potential second surgery for my hernia in my future and my go to nom is oranges, what is the thing with the oranges about? How long before the surgery should one avoid?