Briannah

*hugs* But hey, if you ever do decide to get that train, lemme know. I have a few people to lay out next to that dude...

I hope you have a smooth procedure and a worry-free healing process, and love your new self! *Hugs*

Starting to. Still have this irritating congestion and coughing like mad, but I've regained some mobility. So far Nikki's super immune system seems to be protecting him and his case is much milder. I so have immune system envy. I think we have a fundamental difference in our understanding of the word "lifestyle". How do I explain the meaning of a word to me...*Thinks* OH! I have to eat. It's a need, there is no getting around that. But my lifestyle is how I meet that need, what food and beverage choices I make to fill it. And that lifestyle DOES have a lot of choice involved in it, what foods I choose, how I choose to prepare them, when I want to eat, etc. I'm making big changes in that area of our lifestyle right now to get healthier for example. I'm really not sure what other word fits here. Nikki did promise not to call it a problem again. Nikki may not have a choice in his feelings, but we've worked up a lifestyle together to meet his needs just as much as we are working on the food lifestyle and the entertainment one and the relationship one. My past is what it is, and I can't look forward until I unravel the past or I start to make the same mistakes. My brain functions heavily on habit, because it's off doing 8 other things instead of what I"m actually in the middle of, and I'm crap at conquering habits until I understand them. So to figure out some of the behaviors Nikki either needs or wants me to change, I have to sort through all this and find the root cause. Or I'll set myself up to fail. And I'm trying to modify my poor relationship behaviors as much as Nikki is for me so that we're both happier together. Nikki sometimes sets me up to fail too, we talked about that at dinner last night. We were talking about what things he does want to work on with the therapist vs. what is just his natural personality, and he'd made a few comments about he would feel more social if our friends actually lived in the area, and I asked if he wanted to set up monthly trips to the larger city where a big group of them live in, and it was 'whatever you want'. Now, whatever you want with Nikki is a double edged sword. He says it both when he really wants something, doesn't care, or really doesn't want to do it. He has a real problem telling me what he actually DOES and DOES NOT want, sticking the ball in my court and assuming I'll aim it correctly when I hit it. And then he gets mad at me when I take him at whatever you want, and do what I want, and it was wrong. So we talked about that, and he finally told me what he wanted in regards to what we were talking about it, and now we're forming up plans around making it happen. Or not happen, whichever is appropriate to the case. We're really working through our relationship fails while strengthening the parts were epic at these days. YAY!

I was talking with Nikki about something today, and he called this his problem. I didn't like that. This isn't our problem, this is our lifestyle. The dog constantly dumpster and litter box diving, cats peeing anywhere they please, those are problems. Nikki enjoying dressing en femme and needing his body hair as gone as we can make it? Lifestyle. Because language does dictate thought. Ideas form from words, and the choice of words colors the thought. And the only problem my husband has inside himself is depression and anxiety fits, those do need to be and can be solved with time and therapy. My understanding of crossdressing is simple, it's not a disease or the disorder, it's a complicated set of emotional and possibly physical needs that require meeting, and will always require this. Just like my needs. So problem is an ugly word for this. I like lifestyle. And I have spent a lot of time self-examining, trying to figure out all the roadblocks that we will have to face if his needs change in the future because I want to be prepared, even if it never happens. And realizing I'm not really inclined to join other women in bed anymore made me stop and try to figure out, well, what the hell happened? And I realized with the maturity and healthier mindset I have on life and myself what happened. While I do have the ability to enjoy physical sex with partners of either gender, I never really got into a healthy commitment relationship with any of the women. And I had always identified a strong preference for men, but now that i"m examining it all I wondered what was going on with the women. WHY did I act on it? And why do I really not want to now? The answer lies in my complicated feelings for men after my abusive marriage. I had stopped trusting them, and I didn't like to be alone. And when the first female hit on me, and I physically responded, I thought why not? I don't like being alone, and here I can defend myself. And I set out to explore this new aspect of myself, but I didn't look into it too deeply. So now after a long, healthy marriage with Nikki, I realize had it not been for a deep fear of men warping my choices, I probably would NOT have acted on it. And the actions I took probably weren't healthy for me or my partners, but we learn from living. I'm not embarrassed to have explored with them with them or by their place in my past, but I am embarrassed that i didn't really give them myself like I should have as a partner. It wasn't fair, but I was too messed up to know then. I'm sorry for anyone's feeling that I injured in my inability to love them back. The men after I started opening that door again too. Nikki met me at a time where I was starting to overcome my issues, and was able to actually love someone back with the baby steps he was willing to put up with from me while I relearned my way in relationships. Well, at least I don't have a lot of 'what if's' about my sex life. I tried things. LOL

I'm both sorry and really startled that you got something from me after all these years.

So Nikki and I had our follow up appt. yesterday for the blood pressure medication, and she glanced over us for the plague while we were there, and broke my turtle heart. This is a two week plague. *headdesK* I'm past my first week and at least feeling better, but another week of congestion and coughing is not making me happy. I imagine Nikki is less happy only being a few days into it. And he's tolerating the blood pressure medication better than me, so mine has been changed. Maybe I can spend less time in the bathroom now? 3 more full 8 hours days before my boss gets back from vacation and I can go back to my happy part time turtle life, which at this point probably consists of sleeping the rest of this off. Such an exciting life I'm leading this month! My morning happy moment today was....I don't have to scrape the car, because ti's raining. YAY! Doctor was pleased Nikki is starting therapy, and she was pleased that I asked about some of the options she'd mentioned before to help with the weight loss. She's more confident that I AM doing okay on my own right now without therapy wtih the dismorphia, as we went over breakthrough behaviors that I have achieved that usually are what they are giving you therapy before. Thankfully my parents deciding I was nuts as a teen and sending me to therapy for years taught me a lot in how to self-help. Dr. HOllandt was REALLY good. And it was such a surreal moment to have an actual therapist sit you down and tell you it's really not you, it's the unrealistic and clashing worlds your family forced you into. That went over like a ton of bricks when she wanted Dad, Mom, and STepmom to attend counseling to learn to stop the destructive behaviors. None of them went. Mom would have, but she couldn't afford it. When Dr. Hollandt literally offered to absorb mom's half of the fee so that she could help me, Dad's response was "I pay and she doesn't? Hell no." And that was it. THis from the man who prides himself on being a great parent who always does what's best for his child. He has a major self image problem if you ask me.

I think I'm getting better. Throat doesn't hurt other than teh coughing. Oh teh coughing. I seem to be starting the clearing out phase, which I swear is so often worse than the actual illness. I'm going to lie down and hope that Nikki is well enough to feed me, and hope that tomorrow I am well enough to feed him for the next week as he progresses. LUckily we are rarely both sick at the same time.

Thank you so much Blue! Hugs. Still sick and now he's showing signs too. Proof this is the actual plague and we should be quarantined clearly of it can get him.

You look amazing!!! I love that shirt. I'm a huge fan of tunics. Sorry this is short in bed with iPad still sick

Thank you Emma. It's so weird to be able to safely take it again. Advair reacts adversely to the common medications in cold medicines, and it can get ugly, and I spent nearly a decade of my life taking that stuff. Was worth it, my lung function improved dramatically. And this plague is so bad even Supernikki who never gets sick is showing signs. Seriously, he gets a cold like every three years. I want his immune system genetics.

I have a weird thing with cold meds. I couldn't take any of them without risking a painful death when I was on my long term asthma medication, so I sort of developed a fear of them in general. My brain makes important things habitiual so I don't forget when I'm half sleep or not paying attention. So Nikki has to fight stupidly hard to get me to take them. And of course, they are huge, my throat hurts, and damn near just choked myself. At least things with Nikki are going great. We've settled into a comfortable environment for everyone involved, and things are going swimmingly. We're still sorting through my tendency to big picture everything and his to narrow focus, but communication has gotten really good and we're learning. For the spouses like me that stay, it's as much a period of change as the person talking the dysphoria. So many things change for me too, and you really have to keep sight of balancing the needs of both. If there's a secret to succesfully navigating this as a couple, that's it. And as much openness as is feasible for a couple. I Know some wives want to be completely out of it, but I couldn't be like that. The known is so much less terrifying than the unknown. Being included not only supports him, but it supports me. He's happier than he's been in a long time. Here's hoping the therapist will keep that going. And, of course, that i don't have pnumonia again. If I don't feel significantly better tomorrow I"m going to the dang urgent care. I don't have time for this crap. I missed a gorgeous day! WEll sorta anyway. It was nearly sixty degrees! SO AWESOME! I went out to lunch with Nikki, and you'd think I ran a marathon. Wahtever this is has seriously damaged my internal energy production. And now the scary Ohio wind has kicked up, and is finally caving in the neighbors scary chimney. That has been falling for years and no one did anything about. Here's hoping it doesn't break my house or our shed we have in the side yard.

No the giraffes should never get this. Nikki is numbing me with ice cream.

People don't actually NEED throats right? It would be okay to rip mine out? *headdesk*

Nikki made a comment while I was plague moaning(I'm really whiny when I'm sick, I confess), that he'd been planning to spend all day until the gaming event tonight in girl mode, but me being sick required boy mode and I'd ruined his plans (In a joking manner, I don't think there was any resentment). My response, after he figured out the words because my voice is cracked up, was "Does girl mode preclude me getting fed and taken care of?" HIm: No... Me: Then what do I care? Just gimme something to eat and some cough drops and do whatever the hell you want to. As long as that involved making sure my blankets are cuddly and I'm not dead, I'm good. Kitten, Dinosaur, it's the same really. The only part where I'd need boy mode is if the cough drops run out and a store run is required. I'm so not up to driving. I've walked into dang wall three times trying to get to the bathroom. It's literally a 10 foot walk. *hangs head* But the supply looks good.

If i would help I'll eat seafood. *Headdesk*

He took our conversation seriously and rallied round when the guild teasing turned to me. I'm so sick I just wanna hide and he was all nope we're leaving Bree alone tonight she'll play with you guys next week. It was a great practice start. Love my Nikki. Wanna collPse quietly in a corner. Germs you win. I surrender.

Just to be clear, I don't mean creepy matching pieces. I mean he likes whatever he likes, and then another item for me that would work better for my different shape and coloration from his. I'm not going into creepy I wanna be a Nikki clone land.

Oh good grief, I should not type on the IPad ever. We are not a minority, we are MINORLY over the healthy range in blood pressure. It's a few points over, but consistantly, so she wants to treat it. My ipad apparently decided it has a different idea of what I was trying to express. I keep forgetting to proofread that thing better, autocorrect. *headdesk* And I used to be known as the family camel. I rarely have to go, had a very good bladder. Now on these dang pills I'm constantly going to the bathroom and waking up at night a couple times to do so. Despite taking the dose in the morning to avoid that. Nikki seems to be doing better on it than me. THe pills are insanely small, I wasn't sure I was actually swallowing them til the effects hit.

No feedback is good. Nikki and I always welcome it, and to go over it together and figure out how to sort it out in our life. We've always known to listen to others, and that ultimately what works in our marriage is something we have to figure out as we go from talking to each other and friends. This whole thing came about from the spending habits Nikki has vs. Bree. He's SO much more of an impulse shopper than I am, and has a tendency to forget occasionally I want some things too. When I suggested that he's complaining because I don't buy things like that to wear for him, he brought up the old video game thing as he's starting to spend more and more and I'm getting less and less (which I Don't mind, we're starting out a new phase and he needs things, but this could become a habit again). However, due to my dismorphia self-images that I am fully working on, I can't look at those things and think they will do ANYTHING for me, and even though I went fully to buy them to wear for him because I know he wants me to, I run full speed away. However, the stuff like that I have that he buys me is slowly eroding that, and I wear it for him and am starting to feel like MAYBE it does something for me, and am slowly eroding that, but not there yet. We're trying to navigate a really complicated set of needs in the terms of both our psychological issues and day to day personality habit issues. He was all over this rule. You'd have to ask him if he views it fully as an easy way to curtail his impulse shopping and keep me in mind, or if he's backdooring around my issue to help support me. It's probably both. And honestly< I've been telling him for years I like presents and surprises, and only ever get them on my birthday and xmas before we started the video game rule. He's not the spontaneous type my Nikki. He's been putting lists of wardrobes for both of us, and really enjoys shopping. I will talk to him about this again though, I really do take feedback seriously. I just also think he finds a certain level of comfort in having a plan like that and give me some warning some new incoming garment to adjust to internally before waving something at me I'm not sure which end is up and hoping for a good reaction if I'm having a bad day. Where that comes from is my body dismophia. I have a really skewed self-image from my upbringing to the point I really felt there was no point even TRYING to control my weight issues, my face is so bad and crooked that being fat was better so people would look at that instead. I'm a LOT improved than I was when Nikki met me, and I keep getting better. I have lifted the ban on photos. I am wearing the things he gets me and assuming he likes it and it's not some twisted joke. I'm wearing look at me clothes out in public starting this year, something I never did before. I'm getting there, but like finding the true self for a dysphoric, finding true comfort with one's self is as long, slow, and etremely painful process for a dismorphic. Conversely, it helps me understand Nikki better. We absolutely had the conversation. Nikki has told me directly he's most comfortable when I use male ones. I thought I mentioned that somewhere along the way, but I may have forgotten. I asked him if he views himself as my husband or my wife, and he thought hard on that one and came back with husband because of his feelings, and not mine which was waht I wanted to know, what his feelings were; I'd already made clear I'd do my best to full adapt either way. He's been doing a lot of self exploring and coming to me later lately, and is working through what his feelings are, and he couldn't decide what to choose for promouns. Originally he contacted the transgender sites and started to try to form a self-image from them, without questioning. He was hurting, and answers are easier than exploring when Nikki hurts. Me stumbling into this has allowed him to tap my history of therapy and self-exploration skills (which while not perfect or I'd not have had a meltdown yesterday) are fairly strong. Otherwise I'd have no hope of working myself to improve with the dismorphia and i would be competing for financial resources for Nikki for therapy. My physician is keeping an eye on my mental progress, and is satisfied that while therapy would make it easier, I am actually making progress and agrees that NIkki probably needs it more. Tapping into my research skills and ability to connect a broad range of related topics vs. his ability to get REALLY Detailed information on specific, narrow topics has presented him with a wide range of a spectrum to explore and find who he is with, vs. trying to fit into a specific narrative that shares some symptoms but told me he was extremely uncomfortable with the full pictures. He shared with me that he is often out of step with some of the prevailing views in some places, and still finding himself. If he changes his mind about who he is and what is going on, I'll adjust with him. Bree is not being rude, honest. She's going with what Nikki told her to go with. And his name, well, that comes from me, and it's only for our trangender foruming. He's absolutely uncomfortable with people finding out while he's figuring all this out for himself. And he didn't know what to call himself, so I suggested KIttenNIkki because we have a shared love of wereleopards, and Briannah and her sister Nicolette (Nikky for short) were characters in a story I'd written to amuse him once about them. That thing needs to never see the light of day, it was bad. LOL The actual name he'd probably use if he wasn't uncomfortable with that would be a unisex one he likes and has been his nickname the entire time I've known him anyway.

Awake stupidly early. Spent much of yesterday sleeping or cuddled up in the blankets next to Nikki who was watching movies after the meltdown. So we're both on this new supposedly low dose blood pressure medication since we're minority's but consistently above the normal range. And my camel status has been officially revoked to a degree that is crazy. So between waking up at four am again or explode all that sleep and I feel really bad is not letting me get back to sleep. And my voice is going under. Which will make my job fun because I answer the phones. Bree has a weird voice to begin with. Add the dead frog effect and even Nikki has to really sort out what I'm saying. Nikki working with me on what can be a marriage breaking issue that I didn't realize I was even carrying around has relieved so much internal unhappy. It's funny how little we really know ourselves sometimes until the right thing makes us see. Froggy Bree is done rambling weirdly now and signing off.

Thank you so much Blue. I think I just accepted the dynamic over the years that this is what is with us that I never really had occasion to question my increasing issue in the marriage. Sometimes I"m remarkably not in touch with myself. But him rising up past his comfort zones to come to my rescue when I need it is so huge to me. I have an amazing spouse. I really do.

Oh, shopping for me triggers my body dismorphia like crazy. Shopping to me is a fairly traumatic event that i try to do in secret shame at my computer as often as possible. In fact, most of the stuff I have that actually looks nice and isn't catering to my let me be invisible weirdness is stuff Nikki picked out for me. It's a weakness for me, so Nikki is going to start doing the shopping for us both in general since he genuinely enjoys it and I will work on my dismorphia first by tackling this rowing machine thing and working to being able to join a gym and work in front of others. One step at a time. I lifted the ban I had on him photographing me, and am learning to embrace the feeling of watching him point the camera at me. I still have problems LOOKING at the pictures, but getting there. Conquering our issues together and easing each other into things is really helping both of us. And Nikki has a firm grasp of what I actually actively hate in clothes, we went thorugh a ton of clothing magazines together so he could unlcok some inner secret Bree sense of style I don't even know I have. LOL

Okay, I did set ONE rule for the sexy time stuff. (and teh same common sense financial ones that i live buy, but that is just even marital treatment). If he is buying something like that for him, he buys something he wants to see on me. (It's sort of an extension we used to have on video games, so no one was unhappy by not getting things they wanted and it was kinda fair, only he won that by default because they stopped making the kinds of games I like en masse). Yes, I'm totally going to ride this train into feeling more appealing to him.

I'm working hard on my end to get healthier to hold up my end of happier ever after! I'm so happy your getting the chance to find relief from the depression.

I had Nikki read my blog and then I word vomited incoherently at him and answered questions. Nikki fully agreed he can't tell between Bree is in full control of this crap and Bree is drowning and needs protection. So we have a I need a breather or time out safe word for the new changes, which I'm proud to report I have not needed, so if I'm in a situation I need to visually and emotionally see that he's got my back I can 'mango' and he'll get involved. I honestly didn't even know what was wrong with me inside until the right conversations about Nikki came together with the external stimulus in the right way to have an Ah Ha moment. Just knowing one word and I won't be alone eases the fear response to let me help him help me. You guys are such wonderful friends and really help me when I'm lost. Thank you! I'm nowhere near as strong as even Nikki thought. I just learned to refuse to give the world the satisfaction. You are all helping me sort through these. Things so that I can really can be a shinier healthier Bree to better support my Nikki.