Briannah

The pods moving won't really solve the main problems here, along with the there is absolutely no place to even put one where we are staying currently (the yard is tiny, and so is the driveway, and we have three cars crammed onto it and there is no street parking while a pod was here for a day, the back tiny yard is fenced, no way to put anything in it, and the front yard has a drastic slope.  Secondly, Nikki really doesn't want to carry all the boxes OUT of the basement.  I don't blame him.  So movers is the way to go this time, and let someone else do the schlepping.   And, ​I'm cheap.  Why pay a storage fee for my pod when I can continue using the storage it's in now for free. LOL

I have brought them to my doctor, but most of them don't seem to have a cuase, she ran a bunch of tests and checks over my food diary and sleep log from my fitbit, and can't find a pattern or basic cause for most of it.    So ​apparently I age weird.  She's still plugging away at it though.   So ​I'm getting the same result you are, 'everyone ages different, and that's probably the cause!".  Meh.  On the bright side, still only have the smallest amount of gray hair in my roots.  (hair is currently blue, but I can see a bit of root).  It doesnt' really matter to me, if it all went white it would be easier to get the crazy colors I like, but it drives certain annoying members of my family who went gray in high school crazy. 

I would just like to pipe up ant say, the claims about autism with vaccines?   The original author made it up.  He made up the study, and it came out on scrutiny originally that the tests were poorly controlled and done, but he later admitted he'd pretty much made up most of it.  Unfortunately, there is a large population of the population who will not hear that, or all the studies about it.  My best friend's son has autism, so I sporadically follow the new related to it, and often get directed to interesting things by her.  

I'm glad it brought you peace.  Learning what my disorder is and isn't(add), and where I can separate out behavior issues alongside it and improve as well as coping mechanisms for the actual disorder has brought me much peace.  I have not asked for concessions from people, just let them know I have the disorder and that is why I need to make so many notes for myself learning a new position for example.  So when my brain is jumping around like crazy I have a visual reference to reorient with.  I still get accused of playing the 'add' card.  People get weird with a mental disorder.  Like the brain is some sacred incorruptible organ, rather than a flesh and blood organ that can go wrong like a kidney or a heart or lung.  Mental health really is just another form of physical health at the end of the day, something has gone wrong in an organ, and we have stigmatized it to be something else so we can blame victims instead of helping them it feels like sometimes.   You can't find a solution or treatment for an illness wtihout understanding the illness, adn it's causes. 

Happy birthday Monica!  You are a lovely person to chat with, and I hope your birthday is absolutely awesome!

I hope yours turns out as well!  And that the getting it ready is as painless as possible!  It's the first time I ever sold a house, so... it was a wee bit overwhelming.  I don't do well with first time situations.  Summer is a great time in my neighborhood too, you get the college kids whose parents realize buying a house for four years is acdtually cheaper than the dorms at the local SERIOUSLY overpriced university.  

The younger set wear a lot of padded and shaping bras.  You don't see very many of this demographic using forms, as most of them can't afford the really good cosmetic ones (and I have seen REALLY GOOD ones, but they cost nearly a thousand: there is dissention here, Nikki says apiece I thought it was for the set) and tend to wear clothing that would show it a little on the top and sometimes sides.

One that spans all age demographics that I know of is the chicken cutlets, those little silicone pad things that even you out. One of the many things they don't tell us about our physical development, very few women are actually truly symmetrical(although I think most are close enough it's not an issue).  Quite a few are so asymmetrical that we have two separate cup sizes, and it can be awkward since for whatever reason the manufacturing industry of bras refuses to deal with this reality.  Jerks. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to make ribcage sized harnesses with eyelet hooks and separate cups so each woman can get what's needed.  I vary with c and d, but I know one woman who has a b and d, and due to other medical issues is not a candidate for either implant or reduction surgery.  So I learned that it could be worse, don't complain. LOL  I imagine this would also be a thing for some transwomen as genetics does their unpredictable things.​

However, my understanding of the breast forms origin is for the ugly issue of breast cancer and removal of one or both breasts.  And quite a few people of all genders fall prone to that ugly disease.  And society unfortunately judges women by the size of our chests still, and removing them entirely was socially traumatic on top of the physical and emotional trauma.  So there are unfortunately MANY cisgender women sport them for that purpose.  The numbers are slowly going down thankfully, as early detection, advances in medication, and lumpectomy surgeries become reliable alternatives to mastectomy surgery with equal survival rates, at least among those with breasts, as those without often don't detect it early enough.  Some find emotional comfort in not seeing a reminder in the mirror, others find social relief by not looking dramatically different in public.  Although several do the cloth forms for the same reason Emma spoke of, either early after the surgery during the healing process, or permanently if the scars are sensitive.  There are a scattered few I know of that use the forms that give you one extra size and fit over your breast, but without exception the ones I know are extremely vain and unable to afford implants, as it's quite hot and uncomfortable to wear them around the breast.  I have to wrap my equalizer cutlet in cloth, or I get a nasty skin rash from it personally. 

Nikki once asked if I'd be willing to play around with them for fun time, and I was like NOPE, not getting massive rashes for that.  Wisely dropped the issue.  Nikki is fortunate that the irritation and heat doesn't do much to his skin beyond somewhat irritating sweat that can just be wiped away as needed, and can use them for long periods when girl mode lasts a while.  If he had my skin, it would be truly ugly.  He prefers the forms for the sense of weight in addition to the shape I believe.  And I think he likes that i can use them to prop my head up when we're watching a movie, more realistic feel than a cloth set that would just sorta go down like pillows if I tried that.  When he's in girl mode I still go outta my way to physically interact like I did when I was dating women for the small moments, and I don't think that would work with cloth, so another reason I'm glad he can use forms, he gets more outta it.  Sometimes I think I go overboard trying to hard, but he says it makes him happy, so I'm not gonna get an Emmy, but I have a happy spouse.

I wonder if some of the cancer victims also find that comforting?  I'm not sure how I would feel about it if I ever pop a positive on that and it becomes an issue.  I suspect it would be cloth forms for me due to my overly irritable skin.  I'm also not sure how well I would adjust to a massive physical change like that, I'm clumsy.  Even being on crutches when I twisted my knee and bound around my waist so I couldn't bend after abdominal was dramatically crazy for me until I healed, I injured myself and Nikki in the goofiest ways trying to adapt.  I do know a girl who had a double, and she loves it(had massive back issues, and was considering reduction once she'd saved enough), but she did tell me there was a balance learning curve after the surgery.  

Update: It was really weird seeing my house listed.  But now the actual reality of it selling has started, so here's hoping this part goes quickly and peacefully.

I have to admit, after just trying to find space in the fridge around hoarder mom's stuff that she forgets she buys and doesn't eat, this part going quickly has an appeal both in the Band-Aid take my home fast sense and the OMG MY OWN FRIDGE AGAIN! 

We changed our entire diet too.  We've been pretty firmly on the DASH diet eating plans, and at least relearning how to cook has given me something to do.  And a sense of moral superiority because I'm doing something other than sitting around complaining of aches and pains and the costs of medication.  X_X

I hear you on the changes!  I'm going to turn 46 soon, but am starting to notice more and more things, one of them also being eyesight.  I really need to make an optometry appointment once I get things settled down (In the middle of a complicated life trajectory change my spouse sprung on me, Nikki likes suprises.  LOL).  I'm very sorry about your loss, and happy to see you are embracing your new life changes and making them work for you! 

The thing with being a constant cheerleader vs. being real is...you present a false image of perfection that other people believe in and wonder why they can't achieve.  I firmly believe showing both the good and joyous as well as the down sides does far, far more good for others.  There is great comfort in knowing that we are not alone that things go wrong in life, and we're not along in our negative feelings as well as pour positive ones, and we're not along that it's hard.  I think only ever being positive and happy is too easy, to unreal and unattainable, and actually potentially damaging to people who wonder why they can't attain that endless perfect happiness.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  And one overriding theme I have learned about in my 'what is this all about' is that the entire thing is living authentically.  Authentic isn't always good.  It's real.  ti's up, down, hard, easy, joyous, sad, frustrating, hopeful, it's the whole package.  

There will be time to be excited about the future after you've had a chance to settle your feelings.  A divorce is a huge thing, even for people who want it.  Endings are never what we think they will be, and we always have to process our feelings about them.  And there is a world of difference between what we think it will be and we will feel and what actually happens.  You did the best thing you could do. You got dressed up, you went out, had as much fun as you could, and it's okay if you don't feel super happy right now while you're processing.  Some days will be amazing, some will be sad, but you have to just feel your way through them to get the full human experience.  Dont' beat yourself up about what you think you should be feeling, just feel what you do and do the best you can with it!   ​Fighting the blue feeligns in my experience just makes it worse.  Talking them out and pushing through them worked for me, just find what works for you and go for it! *hugs*

Today we are both broken, exhausted human beings.  I injured my ankle but good, so I'm limping around like a lame horse, but we got a LOT done.  We also during the packing and moving process took a hard look at the things we own and got rid of at least a third of it all, maybe half, it's hard to judge when it's all in a pile of boxes vs, in it's normal position around the house.  It does seem like less boxes than the last move though.  And the couch isn't in great shape anymore, it was a cheap couch that lasted like 10 years, so we jettisoned that too and will just save up to get a nicer one after we move.  We have plenty of really comfy folding camp chairs and zero gravity lounges we can put in the living room until we find one we like.  

I also see how many of my bad habits came from my childhood, normalized permanently into me.  I can't ever undo that, no matter what people say.  Our life experience is our life experience and it colors who we are and how we are in the world.  What I can do is learn to identify it and control that part of me instead of being controlled, and having far more success learning better ways and keeping to them.  I can see how a thing is better, and normalize that into my brain too so I consciously have choices and make them.  45 and I'm still figuring it all out.  Grandpa told me I'd never stop learning til I die when I was very young and frustrated with school because if felt like it was just reiterating and they'd taught us everything, and he taught me a new thing to prove it.  I think he also cemented the ideaology of learning on my own outside the system into my subconscious mind that day, where beforehand I had been socialized by both family and school system that school was everything and anyting not included wasn't important (ah, the 70s elementary education system).  Thanks grandpa for saving me from myself.  ​ He was literally the best, most caring, and most nurturing parental figure in my life.  I wish his life hadn't been cut so short, I really would have liked him to meet NIkki and see me finally get my life together.   ​ 

I guess I should go back to cleaning, sit down break is over and time to test the ankle.  And Nikki might want to eat at some point, and right now I'm the only person here who knows where any of the food is.  I'm important!  LOL

From my experience after Nikki finally came out to me, there was a long period where everything was constantly different, and typical was a think of the past, but now a year and a half later, typical has reasserted it just looks different than it did before.  However, that doesn't HAVE To be true.  It's true for Nikki and I because we are both at our core creatures of habit and homebody types for the most part.  I know friends who live everyday like a new adventure, in truth, not just a platitude, and 'typical' for them means doing something they've never tried before.  If you like your old sense of typical, it will come back.  If you didn't or like the new one better, it's yours for the taking!  And with the modern age of internet, you can literally find anything you want out there, from toys of childhood (hides her Ebay spending on My LIttle Ponies, nothing to see here!) to full transgender specifically designed altering items from wigs down to shorts with a silicone vagina (I have seen things on the internet helping Nikki figure out what things he does and doesn't want!) to illegal things we won't discuss, but the point is you can find ANYTHING you can imagine, you just have click a few things on google.  Get out and explore girl!  

Monica is completely right.  I have a few, but they are from my anime cosplaying and more effort in hallloween than my current lazy rear end puts into it days.  I will admit I have put some thought into getting a really high end green one that I don't have to keep touching up my hair since they don't make permanent green dye, but my  natural hair is hot and summer reminds me I might not like wearing one all the time.  Nikki wasn't interested in them at all, has plenty of hair he just has me do it on girl days and days I want to practice a new hair idea on (I find it easier to master on someone else's head before trying it on my own where I can only see half of what I'm doing, and he gets a kick outta doing the girls day stuff with me).  Now my ex-mother in law once had a massive emotional breakdown because I once accidentally saw her without her wig.  You'd think I just murdered her youngest child in front of her or something from the other the top reaction of me coming home an hour earlier than I was expected and seeing her without it as she was in the kitchen.  (I lived there for less than a month, you can imagine why!).  Then there was a hissy fit of how was she supposed to be able to supper herself and my brother in law without the rent money I was paying(on a place she'd been living for three years before I MET my ex-husband, and the three years before I married him).  Apparently wigs are nearly a sacred item for some people, regardless of the cause for them wearing them.  

The answer to the question of do women change clothes often is the same thing as everything else, depends on the individual and circumstances.  I rarely change once I'm dressed for the day, but stains and such sometimes derail me.  Among my circles of friends some change for every little thing, and some are 'this is what i'm wearing, deal" among both genders.  The idea that we change constantly is a historical leftover from the days or morning dresses, receiving dresses, afternoon dresses, and dinner dresses, and ball gowns, and so on that women constantly shifted through as social custom demanded.  I'm glad I'm born now, it sounds exhausting.  And some amount o the modern day stereotype that every woman can't figure out what to wear for an event and tries a bunch of outfits either in front of a mirror or cadre of friends as often seen on tv every time a female character has a work, date, or party type event continues the perception that we change constantly.   

And nothing wrong with the submissive personalities of the world!  I firmly believe there is room for everyone, and the trick is to know oneself, both who we are and what we want, and then surround ourselves with people that allow us to be that and get the things we want.   ​If you're already figuring out who you are and what you want, you're way ahead of a lot of other people.

Our handwriting is heavily influenced by our personalities from what I understand, but it's a myth that having nice writing is a female thing.    Just ​as many of us write like dancing chickens dipped in ink.  A freind of mine and I Have to e-mail each other, we'd never be able to read the handwritten ones!  

I'm so glad you're getting the things you always dreamed about!  And I'm doubly glad that you had a clean bill of health on your throat!  I'm always nervous when anything in the throat is off due to my families experiences (oh, how our life experience colors our reactions to everything!)  I hope you have a smooth time with the hrt!  

Hugs!  Enjoy that trip, enjoy exploring the great west coast, and send me photos of the amazing things you see on that side of the country!  I would send you some from my side, but in all reality, it's corn fields.  If you've seen one cornfield, you've seen all there is to see.   

Thank you Chrissy.  I'm on Prilosec, and it helps, but it's not controlling it.  I discovered this liquid antacid called Gaviscon that I'm taking before bed, it supposedly created a foam in the top of my stomach to hold the liquid in as well as neutralizing the acid.  So far it's helped tremendously, and I got my stupidly expensive wedge today, so here's hoping.   ​  I had to give up chocolate, I am a very unhappy Bree.  I like chocolate.  Good to know that about ice cream, will avoid until I sort all this out.  

Thanks Emma!  It might end up in a surgical situation, as I have a hernia issue that is probably related, so until there is insurance there really isn't much I can do but damage control.  Nikki is still plugging away at ACA forms to see if we can't get help with that insane Cobra payment, and the lifestyle changes seem to be starting to take hold, today was a good day.   Right now he's yelling at the computer, apparently it's hiding the place where he needs to input my passport info to prove I'm a citizen.  Apparently aca has doubts about me or something. LOL 

At least Nikki is doing great.  Loves the new job, is currently face deep in car shopping (our buick is about dead and the van is a bit old to be doing hour commutes, it's time) and working hard on the house and prepping for the upcoming move to my mom's.  I'm having a bit of an odd reaction to that, it's the second longest place I've lived in my life, at just over 11 years.  Apparently it's the longest for Nikki.  But it's the first that wasn't a rental (that I'm old enough to remember anyway).  Sleeping better, has pep again, and it's amazing how much getting out of a bad job situation can do to improve all aspects.    Now if we can just sell a house and move to new town, life will be awesome.  It wasn't easy, and I freaked out more than once, but the more it comes together the calmer I am.   ​ It's nice to have my old happy Nikki back, that's the best part!

Ya know, something triggered another thought and I saw this thread come back up.  IS there a place for short term relationships, and the answer is, of course.  There logically HAS to be.  Because no one knows how long ANY relationship is going to last when they get into it. Whether you go into it with the intention of being short term or long term, relationships do their own things despite our best intentions.  I've had them last everywhere from the first date, to a week, a few months, to nearly 20 years.  I couldn't have predicted which was going to be what.

Also, I cant' remember if I spoke of this or not, but I do know several people who are in long term committed relationships, who don't live together.  They don't enjoy having other people in their personal space full time, so they just don't.  They each maintain their own homes and lifestyle choices, and spend as much or as little time together as makes them happy.  Some are monogamous, some are poly, but they all make their lives and relationships work for them.  This is also an option to be considered for this situation.  Living together is the 'norm' for dating relationships, sure, but it's not the only option and life is and always should be about personal choices and making our own lives work for us whatever that looks like.  

I'm on my iPad and it's harder to type so forgive bad typing and weird syntax.  Spent yesterday checking out target town and it was surprisingly awesome.  The park is so big and twisty we actually got lost and it took nearly an hour and Nikki trying to drive on a pedestrian only path to find our way back out.  Lol.  The Victorian is a no go it has a five foot deep back yard.  But the modern looking second house of which I have zero idea what style name to call it is in a lovely location and workable yard.  It's been on the market six months so there is a chance it will still be there.  Here's hoping.  The Chinese food at the restaurant we tried for lunch wasn't bad either.  Target town has hills   I've been living on the flat pancake of the 

I feel a little more like Emma now and maybe this can be an adventure instead of crazy.  

Hi Blue!  it's been a crazy ride, but as things are slowly pulling together I'm doing better.  I have had my disorders so long, and generally function around them so well, that I mostly actually forget they are there until I make a dumb choice like that and poke them hard and jump off the emotional cliff as it were.  It's why I always try to have backup plans for my backup plans, it's a coping mechanism for the terrorizing panic attacks I'm prone to.  Life, no one gets out unscarred. ​  

I am eyeing a nice Victorian, it needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the price is low, but I'm a bit worried about the yard.  The yard looks like it won't work, and that's non-negotiable.  I'll live in a plain uncharismatic ranch with a gorgeous yard if I have to.  LOL Nikki says maybe two months to having this place ready to list, and then once we find a buyer a huge chunk of the current stress will lift off.  I have paralyzing freakouts that no one will want the house.  Nothing will make that go away until we close on the house.  Then we can focus on buying the next one and setting up for the new chapter of life.  Closer to my friend N happily. 

Oh you know, having a bit of  a breakdown after I had to put down my Murder Kitty at only five years old.    But ​Murder Kitty will not tolerate vet care, and while his condition was fixable, only with a LOT of constant vet care.  No one at our clinic has ever seen anything like his reaction to them.  So it was best to let him go quietly.  Then I tried to keep busy working on the great life reorganization plan, and I realized the great life reorganization plan exists outside of theory and had a panic breakdown.  It was a dumb idea on my part to agree to change EVERYTHING in my life at once.  I have deep seated security issues, and this amorphous shapeless mass of a future crushed me.  I should have known better.  I got so focused on what Nikki needed, somewhere in the last four months or so I sorta forgot I exist.  And my mom gave the only heirloom I ever wanted, that we fought over for years cuz she wouldn't even let me USE the dishes on holidays even though she never used them even once, to my cousin, and when I objected told me I'd never expressed any interest.  SO much fun realizing you don't exist for your family unless your standing in front of them.  But we're moving away sometime soon.  

It's better now though.  NIKKI GOT A JOB!  Yup, he leaves his current crappy one in two weeks, and is getting a raise and a more responsible position.  And it's only an hour north of the city we wanted to live in, so tomorrow we're going to a small town that is exactly between his job and the city where we have friends and stuff to do, about a half hour either way, and see if we want to consider living there.  The other option is a city north of his job that is bigger, but further from target city.  So if we hate small town we have a fall back plan.  I'm sorta excited to go check this place out.  We still have to sell this house obviously, but Nikki's commute is only an hour until we do, and he's done longer commutes before.  He's gonna have a normal m-f schedule again.  Hooray!   And his current job that is eliminating his department in like two weeks still hasn't even communicated what was going to happen to him or my best friend who works there, so the timing was LOVELY.  I'm really happy for him, and me, and having a direction is giving that future a sorta shape.  It's still all amorphous and scary, but it's starting to have a definite shape which is making me feel better.  We're moving in with Mom in September until the house sells and we get a new one so we can offer immediate possession to the buyer and no stress trying to orchestrate the two transactions. 

But I'm not crying in the corner anymore, so I'm back on the internet.   Missed ya!  

*waves* Heya Emma!  Lovely to see you looking happy and having a great time on the great adventure!  And I firmly believe that waxing was created as some form of torture and they found cosmetic applications for it later.  *laughs*  

In my own personal dilemnas of this sort, I always ask myself "Would I be open and okay with these strangers coming over to me on vacation and bringing up this topic on the opposite side of my viewpoint?"  and then usually go with my intenral response to the thought (and it's generally no, I don't want someone coming up to me on hot topics like religion or abortion for example on my vacation time wanting to educate me to their viewpoint).  Things like this come up on a lot on the vacations Nikki and I like, large groups of people with varied veiwpoints and commentary, so I know why you want to. 

Enjoy the grand adventure!  I envy you that freedom to go wherever and do whatever!  It sounds like a great grand adventure!  If you ever make it around Ohio be sure to stop by and have dinner with us!    ​ I'm glad that the worst is behind you and you have found peace with the changes in your life, and then excitement about what is to come next!  *Hugs*  May the road ahead bring you joy, laughter, and adventure!  Beautiful photo in which you look ready to tackle the world! 

And I really really envy you the Minnie!  Grandpa had a Minnie Winnie after he sold the pull behind Airstream, we had so much fun in that. : )  Mostly at Assateague Island and Indian Lake, but the where mattered less than the adventure.    ​I miss that rv and all the silly fun we had in it. 

The stirrups are awful, and exceedingly akward physically in my opinion, it just feels like physical about to fall while all the bits are exposed to the world.  Meh.  And I have to be so careful just getting in them, I nearly fell off the table last time.  Cuz you know, that was a great moment for my inherent clumsy to rear it's head and not embarrassing at all.  LOL  And all I can say is plastic speculums beat metal, they're not icicle-like.

I'm so glad you are all healed up without crazy complications!  So many scary stories about bacteria these days!  Here's to a long and healthy new life! 

  Glad to know my bizarre and storied dating history is finally useful to someone else besides me (It helped me tremendously build a life with Nikki having sorted out what I wanted and how to relate to others).  I was raised on the you'll know what to do when it's time ideology.  Only... I didn't.  I had no freakin' clue.  I didn't know how to manage a relationship, I didn't know how to diaper a kid, I didn't know how to budget, I didn't know how to leave a relationship (or even know when I SHOULD at the beginning).  I still got here, but sometimes I just look at my family and shake my head as they congratulate themselves on how well they did 'raising me' and lament how often I didn't listen.  LOL

Then I realized that a LOT of people have this weird idea that it's not okay to talk about a lot of things, and then weird ideas form around those things, both individually and culturally.  If I could get one wish for my society it would be for that society across the board to start realizing life is individual, and it's okay to talk about and share that individuality and learn from each other instead of judging each other.  Would make SO many issues easier. 

In my personal experience (which has run both ends of the spectrum, from insane what was I doing to hey I have my love stuff together!) I have learned one thing, there is no perfection.  There is no standard, no ideal, and no repeatable experiences.  Each one is unique, each one teaches us something, and most are worth having.  The ones that are harmful can still yield positives, but I can't bring myself to say they were worth having.  And this is from someone who got her son out of one, it's complicated in my head sometimes. 

I think in a lot of cases that one of our great societal problems is the concepts of short versus long term relationships in the first place, that one is 'good' and one is 'bad'.  You are asking yourself if you are selling yourself short by considering this, which indicates to me you have some lingering unresolved internal conflict with the choice that you need to resolve inside before you embark both for your sake and your partners.  If you aren't going into this openly without dealing with that feeling, it has a real potential to eat at you and the relationship.  Or I'm over reading into your post.    Also, realistically, no one can tell if a relationship is going to be long or short.  Unless we want to go back to the random lottery of arranged partnerships, the whole reason we date at all is to explore and analyze the potential.  I've seen people stay in ridiculous relationships because they have some sort of weird concept of 'wasted time' or 'refusal to fail' instead of realizing they're continuing to waste time in a relationship that is failing them . I have no idea where this behavior comes from, but it seems unhealthy and pointless to me. 

On your con list, several of them are unrealistic cons.  NO ONE isn't gassy, literally no one.  It's a byproduct of human digestion, we all area.  Live-together couples deal with it.  Just we have this weird social taboo so no one realizes how bad it is for everyone, and things they are somehow weird or unpleasant to be around. No ones bathroom products smell good either.  You just deal with the little inconveniences of life when living with someone.  Nikki is awful in both those, wouldn't give my Nikki up, I just open the window a lot after one of us has been in there.  ​ Some Febreeze helps too.  Most people are more set in their ways than we realize, compromise is not an innate talent it's a learned skill, and there is nothing wrong with trying to find someone with a similar set of ways to reduce the amount of compromise.  The allergies and finances are more 'real' hurdles vs. feelings you have about yourself that make you hesitant in my opinion, and the best advice I can give for that is be open and upfront if you hit the point where short term may look different.  WEll, maybe prior to the first date with the allergy part, but the finances can wait.    But ​health issues that can trigger on a date such as cat lady covered in cat hair at the date could be an issue.  But I clearly hear your desire to retain independence.  But I do ask have you spoken with someone in your disability office to ask how a marriage would affect that?  I know a lot of people on various disability who are married, but I'm not up on the laws. 

I am NOT trying to force you to change your feelings on anything, just giving my honest take on the list that you can do what you want with my thoughts.    No ​one has to be permacoupled to be happy, but some of that really is normal for the course and not a barrier and I just wanted to be clear.  

Short term relationships aren't bad.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying them, and getting to repeatedly enjoy the thrills and highs of new people and relationships.  Society frowned on it for a long time because it didn't fit with the model of what they wanted, but monogamy is a social training in us, not a natural evolved instinct.  It was a solution to various issues over history, and remains in place as a tradition, but the only way to be 'wrong' in choosing to have several relationships over time (or even at the same time) is when lying is involved to the partners.  You are settled, in a good place in your life, and just want some companionship/romance, enjoy all the short term relationships you want.  LIfe is too short not to enjoy things.  And if you find it's not your cup of tea after you've tried it, then you can always re-evaluate your choices and options after.  You won't know if it fulfills the niche in your life or makes it worse until you start exploring. 

Go for it, see how it works for you.  You can stop at any time if it's not, you're not selling yourself short at all, and it's always better to try for happiness and it not go right than to not try at all. 

Yeah.  And the dog really is beautiful, and with proper handling would be able to live a happy dog life instead of being in danger.  But there isn't anything I can do, Dad didn't hear a word I said when we were talking, he's not going to hear it now.  I hope Dad's increasing jerk behavior reduces the amount of social visits to his home and thus protects the dog that way.  Dog deserves better. 

Looks around.  I adulated.  I finished packing yesterday, two days early.  Usually I'm up all night trying to pack until an hour before time to go. LOL