Briannah

What happened to stage nine?////////

It's actaully not that uncommon for epilepsy to be undiagnosed for a period of time.  There isn't really a specific test for it, epilepsy is a diagnosis of exclusion. When everything else is ruled out, and that is what is left, that is when you get the diagnosis.  If it's not a severe case that rarely triggers, even decades isn't that surprising. 

I know what you mean, my parents just accepted that my dietary beef issue was something 'in my head' and I was a hypochondriac, no one had looked at my diet and figured out it was dietary.  Once the mystery was finally solved it was really a huge relief. 

I really liked this one.  She was easy and comfortable to talk to and was great when they thought that lump on my ovary might be  A Problem.  I don't want to start over.  *whiny Bree*  Gonna get yelled at today by my Gyn too, in all the confusion and resorting of life and focus on Nikki, I sorta forgot to get a mammogram done, adn since I'm 44 now they want me to be doing these things.  *headdesk*  Sometimes I am a bad Bree. 

So Nikki and I are looking into finding a new regular doctor, there is one in Bluffton that is a D.O. we're considering.  We like them in general, here's hoping she's a good fit.  For those that don't know, that stands for Doctor of Osteophathy, and what it means is that they did a lot of extra training and are required to do continual training for the life of the time they have that title, but that they handle everything(up to major surgery general, really big surgeries require a lot of practice).  We used them until our last one moved to Florida when her army husband got relocated, and she was wonderful.  I didn't need a small army of doctors.  Bree usually has to have a general, an asthma specialist, an allergey specialist (as my body keeps chagning how it decides to react to things), a gyn, and a neurologist for the language center thing to make monitor the defect.  And I might need a podiatrist, starting to have symptoms like my aunt when the bones in her foot started to grow randomly into little spikes.  X_X

Having one doctor that reliably cares for all of that (and has no problems referring to second opinions either), is wonderful.  The problem is doctor's aren't one size fits all, whether it's a surgeon, regular doc, therapist, whatever.  I hated my surgeon last year, his surgical skills were really good, but his ability to take my questions seriously and aftercare not so much for example, and I went to my regular doctor to deal with the side effects.  (and I had picked up a nasty infection in the incision as well as back pain like I can't describe from the abdominal clencher brace I had to wear post surgery). 

I'm already shy with authority figures thanks to my upbringing, and Nikki's worse, so it's hard to find one we can actually talk to and be comfortable enough to answer embarassing questions.  I know nothing medical should be, but my silly brain feels what it will feel. 

Thank you very much.    We often get mistaken for siblings for some reason.  I once made a girl I worked with cry when she asked me for 'my brothers' phone number so she could hit on him!   The manager's face was priceless when she said that, and manager was laughing SO hard when I told her she didn't stand a chance with MY husband.  Nikki has always been super faithful and very attached to me, that is one thing I can absolutely count on. : )

Sometimes we're hilarious, sometimes only we get the joke and everyone else is looking at us funny! 

Step two picture is going to have to wait, it's Nikki's first time and he streaked it badly.  LOL  We're going to have to get more dye nad redo step two. 

I had to pick a different picture, for whatever reason it wouldn't attach the one of me and my cat, but I found one where my hair isn't doing a squid impression with Nikki in it as a bonus.

I am trying to send you a natural hair and scary blond with face photo in the private messages, but my photobucket account is being difficult and not attaching the photos properly.  X_X  I swear computers live to annoy me prior to 2pm.  They just never work right becuas ethey KNOW I'm not a morning person and it's a good time to get me.  LOL  Or it could be that I"m half awake and confused. 

Okay, I lost count three times but I found it!  That's a nice dress!  And it looks like a fun party, I wish we had something like that in our area, but the closets there is is 2 to 3 hours away.  But it would be fun to have a place like that for date nights with Nikki's girl side! 

Right now I'm scary blond.     Here's what it looks like all bleached out and waiting to finish drying so that we can put the green on it.  I haven't been this color since I got married the first time, when I was 19, and it was an accident.  It does NOT do wonder for my skin tone and I"m glad it's not the finished product!  I think Nikki did a good job for his first time ever bleaching out hiar.     Keep in mind it was REALLY dark black to begin with.  I like the accidental ombre shading from the light top to the darker ends too, I think that's going to look wonderful in the finished look.  And he managed to control the goopy bleach (It was bright blue, that was so weird, BLUE BLEACH!) and

keep it outta my eyes and other places it doesn't belong! 

It's not that they don't read the reports, it's that very little with the human psyche is static, or even interpretable the same way by different doctors.  So repetition is part of the psychiatric process.  It's the same thing no matter what they are treating, I went through it constantly with the same doctor every few months treating my add, she was taking baselines to see how my responses changed with treatment so she could both judge how well the treatments were doing for me and adjust them to do better going forward.   

I'm glad you're starting to find peace with the process and doing well!  *Hugs*

You never know, I think cheese mousse migrates around the world, it could stalk you down!  I'm not sure how it qualifies as mousse though.  I've had several varieties of mousse, and the defining characteristic was the light fluffy texture(although I also hated the mango mousse, mangos aren't for me).  This was neither, it was a dense molded little thing of stinky cheese.

I have an issue eating beef, and get really sick from more than small amounts.  It's not an allergy, nothing dramatic, but my body can't digest it properly.  I mean eating it more than once a week small, sometimes two weeks, or i get really horribly sick, something you do NOT want to do in a tiny cruise cabin bathroom.  It took me two trips to come to terms with the fact that the toilets work basically with a giant vacuum cleaner somewhere in the ship and the creepy sound they make when you flush them, I don't want to 'pray' at them!  So I spent the whole week on Princess eating a lot of cuban chickan panini's at the panini bar and pizza.  It's kinda sad that I didn't like their food (there is some variance from ship to ship, but it's more in the small details than the options) because the ship was amazing and Nikki really loved it.  Unfortunately I was really not a good fit with either the menu or the personal relationship with my room steward.  Holland America is my favorite cruiseline, and the room stewards are like ninja's, you NEVER see them.  It might have been okay if i hadn't had a major female crisis in my sleep on white sheets and had to face her the next day.  X_X  She was really lovely, and so nice...but nothing saves you from that level of embarrassment. 

And some of the Holland America ships have a pizza bar right next to the pool, it's awesome to have a swim and hit up the pizza bar in your suit and nosh with the caribbean music playing and the happy swimmers and view of the ocean while you let the winds dry you off.  Because nothing says "HELP ME" like walking into an area of full air conditioning in a wet swim suit!

They had this awesome hangout in the middle of the ship, a three story piazza filled with little cafes and bars (the panini cafe was here, and right next to a coffee bar with awesome little deserts, so you can guess we spent a lot of time here after dinner so I could eat too!) and live entertainment on the big open floor.  It was gorgeous! 

Thankfully my life experience has taken off the blinders on a lot of things around relationships.  The first thing that has helped me massively in all of them was realizing that despite social expectations, relationships are actually all as individual as the people in them.  That idea was never really presented in my area, it was 'all people in relationships do this, feel this, go there" sorta things.  The second being the various outcomes of people who lived by that and expected everything to magically work out.  One set of great grandparents fought extensively, nastily, and publicly.  No one was sure why they were married.  It was ugly.  One set of grandparents seemed to me sort of unaware that they were married and not just roommates, and the only time I ever saw them in the same room or interact was at the table for meals, and had the old tv separate bedrooms things.  My parents divorced after my dad cheated taking me with him and the fallout after mom asked the routine what did you do today? when she got home from work, and my dad and later stepmom spent years teaching me it was my moms fault since she didn't go out with him on weekends (cuz, you know, me!), so you deserve to get cheated on if you don't neglect your kid, good life lessons.  LOL  My own disastrous first marriage that retrospect showed me was an attempt to get away from the family.  Escape doesnt' make a good relationship, especially when he had an untreated mental illness in the mix. 

I only had one reasonable marriage to pattern after, the other set of grandparents.  They did a lot of communication and compromise.  They also would argue publicly, but they always argued the point and not each other.  There was no presentation of marital perfection, but a realistic 'this is what it is like to live with someone full time'.  It was the best thing in my life as a teaching role and as a stable place to spend my summers and vacations away from my crazy parents (mom wasn't really better than dad). 

So...here I am, remarried after Nikki convinced me marriage isn't horrifying.  And he worked really hard at it, and just when I'd about overcome most of my trust/relationship isssues (it took me over a decade, it was a lot of damage and I'm slow okay?) this hit.  And it's sort it out or it breaks.  If you haven't read my other entries, the short form is Nikki always presented this as a we tell each other everything, trust each other, and really know each other sort of deal, and I slowly learned to exist in that kind of set up, and thrive in it, only to find out 17 years in he lied, about something I gave him plenty of room to talk to me about that was obviusly not a dealbreaker.   So...to keep this going both of our issues are in play and it's a great big mess but we're slowly putting it back together like a jigsaw puzzle.  It's not easy.  It's ugly, it's messy, it's joyful, it's fun, it's tedious, it's exasperating, it's just...life.  I will never try to gloss over things, becasue I think we have a global culture of expectations that have nothing to do with reality because people are for some reason unwilling to talk about the ugly and the hard and the work required for things.  You know, the 'must be nice' mentality that other people who have something good it just fell into their laps instead of them working for it. 

LOL  I"m sorry, I tend to freethink and write novels or at least full Victorian letter length things.    I"ll shut up now!

I don't want to find it!  I'm okay letting it go!  Feet and me don't get along, I can't even stand my own feet which is why they are always in socks. LOL  I think finding that dimension would be a nightmare for me.  LOL  Although I've managed not to lose my turtle socks or my Halloween socks, that is a life achievement for me, I lose everything. LOL  I once lost my wedding ring for two weeks before Nikki finally found it somehow wedged under the mattress in a place I'm not sure how I got my hand in my sleep. 

Yeah.  Have been for 18 years now, 17 of them married.    Or do you mean with the shorts, because I am totally in love with their comfortableness too.  *Grins*

PS> If you go on a Princess Cruise ever...I hope you like beef and seafood, that seemed to be their goto meals, but do... not... ever... EVER... decide to be adventurous and try to the cheese mousse. 

Hi there!  It's nice to meet you, and not knowing someone but stopping to chat is how we get to know people, yes?  I'm a cisgender partner of a MtF genderfluid still figuring it out.  I use the male gender when I talk about him because that is what Nikki told me he feels is appropriate to us, I just wanted to get that out there because I do understand how important pronouns are and I don't want to come across to someone new like I live in a denial world or am rude to my husband!   

This place has been so helpful and important to me, I had stumbled through a few forums trying to learn about my new normal after the long secret finally came out, and so many of them it kinda felt like wanted to convince me I didn't matter at all in sorting out this new normal.  Only here were people willing to help me learn and also care about my feelings and struggles in the process.  People were willing to tell me what I was confused and/or unrealistic about, but they also were willing to tell me what Nikki was also, and that some of the things going on weren't okay.  And it was always gentle!  I loved that, that we were both treated like people.  And Nikki has come to the decision inside himself that transition isn't for him, and that he only had told me that was his decision because he had been presented with the ideology that it was the only solution.  But finding others here who live the way he has realized he wants to has been tremendous for him.  I like that this board is inclusive of the middle pathers, the fluid, the binary, and the transitioners alike, as well as us partners.    And I think it's so important to marriages that partners do have a welcoming place to learn how their life will change and get support.  This place was a major factor in my road to morph it from a huge, terrifying thing to my new normal. 

And, weirdly, this place has hugely helped with my body dismorphic disorder (mostly centered around my face, it's crooked, one entire side droops, was born that way not a stroke aftereffect and my brain can't...deal rationally with it) and my emotional damage from growing up under my father.  Which sorta proves the people are people, and human experiences are best shared!  Definitely way more alike than unlike, and kindness and connection is definitely the key for everyone to learn to live together on this planet.  I wish everyone would learn. 

We're slowly getting closer than ever I think, because we're working for it, and choosing it.  Some things you have to earn, right?  It also doesn't hurt that we have flaming examples of terrible relationships around us to remind us of things.  The kind where neither partner shows any consideration for the other, and the growing rifts between them was a wakeup call that it's easy to do that, and it's not easy to be proactive about it, but I want Nikki around.    Even if his hair and face are way better than mine! LOL

Best of luck to you for a complication free surgery and recovery! 

We're doing really well, and have developed a test, when we have zero swim days in one week is when it's time to take down the pool.  We had three great swim days this week, so it's not coming down tomorrow.  I know, I'm delaying the inevitable.  LOL We might be looking into the costs involved in getting a heated, in-ground pool in a greenhouse sorta structure to get more, if not year round, use.  Right now it's just budgetary, I want to finish paying off the house before we embark on a big financial endeavor like that, so about 10 years, but having an idea of the costs is a good place to start planning. 

I'm sad Nikki didn't get the job he wanted, they hired their second interview and didn't even give the other applicants a chance.  X_X  So now I'm mad at that place.  LOL  The hours would have been much better for him and I think he would have actually liked it.  Their loss, but mad turtle Bree. 

Yesterday I took all the money I saved the last six months and ordered the parts for Nikki's new computer.  They'll be here next week as I understand shipping.  He's super excited!  I'm super excited!  And then we had to go out and buy a new printer/scanner unit because ours died, and I spent the next three hours cursing this thing out until I finally got it to talk to my computer and I can print now.  Of course it dies when I'm in the middle of  copying all the old photos to the cloud in case of fire or something and printing out photos to hang on the walls.  (We're sorta weird that way, and never really hung any photos, but I bought a buncha frames and am picking out the pictures now). 

I'm done working outside the home, and I love it.  Other than the endless and snarky must be nice comments.  I hate that sort of thing, people act like you didn't bust your ass to make something happen and it just fell into your lap.  We spent nearly a year in discussion and life changes, and are making a lot of sacrifices in other things to have this thing.  It wasn't free. Is it nice?  Sure.  But it sure isn't free.  Just like when we go on our annual cruises, we save money the year round to afford it, and drive instead of fly because it's much cheaper.  So I try to never say that to people, but it's so socially ingrained.  ARgh.  Society has some screwy mannerisms it teaches, even on the small scale like not being annoying in interpersonal interactions, let alone it's bigger messes.

Mr. Turtle needs restuffed, he's getting a little pancaky.  Poor little dude need some corrective surgery.

One of my favorite things to do is to open up my jigsaw puzzle app on my ipad (so the dang felines can't eat my pieces) and workon a puzzle in my comfy pj's with a movie, tv show, or music. 

Cheers!  I'm so glad you're results were good and you don't have to face anything like chemo!  *Hugs*

Just a hug.  I have a related, similar issue with my dad and stepmother, and I hope you family regains their sanity soon.   The things with family is, it's a lottery of random personalities tied together by shared history.  And I have lots of hugs if you need them.

I chose a different route, I would rather deal with the inhaler than live without animals.  For me it's a quality of life issue.  And the more time I spend around them, the less reactive to them I get.  Unfortunately, that exposure benefit hasn't worked with cold temperatures.  I live in Ohio, I get exposed.  LOL  Life is a mixed bag, some things work out and some you have to deal with on it's terms. 

I'm pretty lucky though, the attacks are mostly mild, only had a few where it was 'you're not even getting triaged you're seeing a doctor in 30 seconds of getting to the er' and I'm not triggered by perfumes, cleaning products, and every pollen known to man like a friend of mine.  So I embrace my lucky and just quietly dread winter a bit.

I had my grandfather, and he's the reason I'm a good person.  Grandpa taught me all the things I should know. He died too young, only 65, there should have been more time and memories, but take what we can get right?    I'm okay without my father, it's just...that lingering desire to have a family and roots that go back, not just forward.  I'm only 44, in my head it's not time yet to be the oldest person at the family gatherings when there are still people alive, but it is what it is. 

Thank you for all the love, I'm adjusting slowly, and Nikki is keeping a ridiculously close eye on me and the boy.  The boy isn't too affected, my dad has literally only been in the same room with him for slightly less than 30 days out of  his entire lifetime, and has never chosen to speak with him on the phone or e-mail.  So to my son he's just a weird bitter old white man who happens to be his mom's genetic father.  I'm grateful it doesn't affect him more.  We had a long talk about it, but he was happy that mom went from arguing a point to burning the bridges and salting the field nuclear about it.  Thou shalt not mess with my kid. 

And, it's kinda ironically funny.  The thing that started it all was a picture I posted an a discussion between me, my son, and a few freinds that we need to do better as a society to make sure everyone has the basics of life.  I'm talking food, shelter, clothes, and medical care.  Not tvs, flashy cars, just the basics.  And this dude who tires to shovel christianity and genetic blood ties are everything down my throat for years decided that is the hill to die on and start calling my son a loser who wants society to provide for him so he can continue to blame his failures on everyone but himself.  Because we were discussing making the world better.  Way to practice the charity of your religion there.  I have to laugh about all of this.  We tried to engage him on the discussion, but he wouldn't back up any opinions with information or facts about why he feels that way, just kept talking in memes then decided to attack my kid. 

Today I feel...lighter.  Realizing I don't ever have to deal with him again is freeing.  And a huge, stunning relief.  I'll be okay, and I didn't realize how much the whole thing was dragging me down until I cut that tie.  It's just sad that that is what reality is, but sadness fades and there are camping trips with Nikki in planning and cruises with his parents and weekly games and hangouts with my kid and a pool to swim in and a house that is in the middle of a massive reorganization (I decided to go through everything and sort it all out and get rid of things we don't need to avoid turning into a hoarder like my mom and paternal grandma, it's in my GENES!) to finish, life is busy for everyone.

And only six more days of work and then I"ll have all the time in my life to do whatever makes Nikki and I happy!  WOOT!

Thank you.  It being so public in front of just about everyone I know really didn't help.   The flood of horrified friends calling to help did.     There is a small petty part of me that is amused knowing he is going to be wading through a brigade of angry emails since my lovely friends are too graceful to do it on Facebook in public.  And he posted his.   It's moments like these you find out how you touched people's lives so I guess there was a small bit of good.  But mostly I'm just feeling miserable, ashamed, and embarrassed right now.   It's one thing when the toxicity is secret and private it's another thing when everyone gets front row seats to it.  

You got it, it's a giant plush turtle Nikki got me after the plush bear wore out.    I have this stupid sleep disorder, and the cozy comfortable cuddle object convinces my mind I'm not going to be murdered in my sleep and I can relax and drift off.  Brains are such funny things.  But he's soft, cuddly, and awesome and when Nikki gets up in the morning he makes sure I have my turtle becuase he's probably fallen out of bed during the night. 

In the fall we like to hang out on the couch under the soft blankets with the dog and watch movies all cozied up, it's awesome!  It's the only blanket time the dog gets, she's not allowed near the bed because she eats the bedding.  X_X

We got these new, giant, super plush beach towels too, and that feeling wrapping up in one just after getting out of the pool is amazing.  People are always looking for the 'big dramatic moments' but it's the little ones that have a lasting, every day effect in my opinion.

Because comfort is awesome.  Whether it's a favorite nightgown, cozy blanket, or a turtle plush (don't judge, I need my turtle plush to sleep!) there is nothing like physical comfort and coziness.