Briannah

It's what I'm here for.    We help each other and we get through it all way easier than we do alone.  Love you.

Oh goodness.  I may have to suck it up and be brave, my excema and hair on the personal bits are not playing nice.  But I have zero tolerance for skin pain levels unlike the internal stuff where I just whimpered a bit with intesting caught in a hernia, I confess and will likely be wailing pitiously the whole time and that poor tech would go home if I did go and be all "You would not believe the baby on my table today!" LOL

So um how bad does it sting?   Was considering getting my um. .. Personal bits done after Nikki gets his face once we save up. 

​In the reading I did, there sort of is, the size/shape of the hypothalmus.  What the reading was clear on was that transgender can be caused by having a hypthalmus of the brain in the size/shape of the other gender, but it wasn't clear on if this was for all types of the gender spectrum or just the clearest cases of 'I knew since I could talk'. 

Best of luck to you in your new path!  I hope it brings you joy and satisfaction!

I miss that you too, but I love the one that is next to me right now also.  *Hugs*  We'll find our way back to that. 

I try hard!   

*hugs Veronica*  We watched the tape last night after the offspring went home, and it's not a hugely long tape, but just having those few moments is worth so much.  There was one at my aunts birthday dinner of Grandpa sitting at the table holding my three year old in his lap that was such an amazing moment, and both his and grandma's voices were there with little moments that really captured who they were.  I miss them. 

Yeah it just reminded me how similar it is and what a social mess I'm in currently.  

This is similar to the social dynamics in my freinds group, when one of the group goes wildly against the rest of the groups deeply held sense of right and wrong.  We have one girl that truly believes in the old fashioned submit to her husband at all times lifestyle, and it drives the rest of the group crazy.  And then it gets kinda ugly sometimes, when the more extreme feminists start talking about what a problem she is and how they have to do something to fix her, instead of recognizing her as a person who believes in and legitmately a different lifestyle and place in the world than the rest of us, several of whom legitimately feel threatened by her lifestyle because they feel it will derail equality for them because women like her are out there.  I like it so much better when its' a tv personality I can turn off and not be in the middle of this mess!  LOL

Omg!!!   After the breakdown Nikki quietly spent the afternoon searching the house.  They didn't get the tape!!!   He FOUND it!   Last night we watched it together and now the sound is back in my head.  I think I cried for an hour.  Apparently they'd dropped a few tapes when they grabbed the bag and he'd put them up and forgotten and made sure which tape it was before telling me  

He found it.  Just so I would be happy with all his sadness going on he's still showering me with love.  He said he doesn't think he's being a good husband like this the other day.  I know a lot of spouses not fighting depression at all who wouldn't bother worrying about something weird like this.  Nikki is the best husband in the world now I have to figure out how to tell him so he believes me.  

LOL Gotta take what we can get.  It dropped back down to 43 today.  While not unusual for this time of year, no where near as pleasant as the 65 I had been enjoying earlier in the week!   Ohio is a great big tease.

I agree!   There is something neat about the little blue( it was blue when I got mine) books.  I have no stamps as I'd never gone anywhere that required Visas.  I basically only have it because we go to Canada and the Carribbean often and they tightened the laws.   We HAD to have it for a cruise to Alaska because it stopped in Canada for literally four hours.  Lol

I seem to recall getting the paperwork we provided back with the actual passports.   However take that with a grain of salt as this was like 8 years ago and I get confused about little details and Nikki didn't remember either way.  I know I did get them back though as I would remember going through another round of the song and dance with the state department to get a copy of my birth certificate since I was navy born in Japan.  I envy people who can just go to their birthplace and get the dang thing.  The state department makes it such a production.  

Well, I hope he lives up to his reputation if you decide to give him a go around.  That kind of sex can be so awesome!  And as for disclosure, I think personally I would wait to see if you actually felt the same about a possible relationship.  If you don't, why bother expsosing yourself to potential unpleasantness til you are more sure of the people around you when I believe you go there to just let loose and enjoy yourself as you are now and can just stop worrying about the bigger picture for a few hours?  I apologize if I'm off base, this is just my thinking on what I would do in your place, but of course I don't know how that place feels. 

I wish you all the joys you are looking for, a smooth ride during the changes, and all the hugs i can offer!

That is a gorgeous photo!  I will have to try to find a photomanip I did ages ago (if it wasn't backed up on the stolen laptop, a lot of my work was).  I used to practice in photoshop trying to do really subtle ghosts in various clip art, and I had one really pretty one I"m proud of where I changed the moonlight across a lake into a lady, but you have to want to see her to notice.  I'd love to share her with you!  I should try to do that again.  I'm not really creative from scratch, but I am almost good at mixing various elements of things nicely. 

The thing I want most in the world though, is my happy Nikki back.  He loved life and laughter SO much.  No matter how crazy things were, he was awesome and enjoying life even while dealing with the hard things.  There were jokes and hugs, silent moments and sadnesses, then comfort and banding together.  He's the most amazing person I ever met. And when he was healthy inside, he literally sparkled.  Like someone in an anime.  I miss his sparkle, and I'll search anywhere to find it for him.    I Know he has to find it himself, but I'm going to do whatever I can to help. 

We were having an awesome day until I...um...disgraced myself all over the floor.  That is my project for Tuesday, talk about this cough with Bethany.  It is so extreme that it forces things out of my tummy without warning from the sheer muscle cramping of the cough.  So I went from really great day to holy cow embarassment.  Nikki is being great about it though.  So weird cuz I FEEL fine.  Absolutely fine. 

But before that we had a great day!  WE went to BG, got our yummy calzones, had a lovely lunch and talked about everything and nothing.  Then we drove up to Toledo where Nikki got a new Captain American/Iron Man shirt he loves wtih a really good coupon, and I scored a couple of new dresses on sale.  It was a gorgeous day, and we took the longer backroads to enjoy it and chatting in the car.  Nikki saw some pants he liked at Catherine's, sort of a faux brocade pattern on jeans, but they didn't have his size.  He wasn't taken with anything else, but Catherine's is sort of really hit or miss with me too.  They do some UGLY vaguely hawiian prints on a lot of things I love the cut of, but hate the print/color choices.  He did convince me to buy the red dress I found, I was hesitant because it's a really bold color, but he reminded me he's learned to color correct the red in my face so I can wear it without looking like a beet. 

I missed it early, I'd actually realized while I was sorting things out after I knew about his gid that I was waiting for him to tell me he was in love with someone else, he was so checked out.  I completely misread the situation.    Bad Bree.

I love you, and we'll get there.  I swear you'll find your way back to happy Nikki, it just is going to take some time.  *Hugs*
 

Wanting to regain the things you lost IS the first step.  You used to love life so much, it was infectious to everyone around you.  I would love to see that joy in you again and watch you laugh at our dog being stupid or the squirrel winning the backyard war. 

He always makes me do them.  But I got through it and it's most of what I need to finish paying off that surgery debt.  So there's a flash of joy.     Then I'm almost ready to give up my job hopefully before that dude smokes ME into oblivion with him.  I think it's too late for him.  Thank you for the cheer!

Is it really different?  The detail may be different, and they are further ahead(the right to marriage battle finally won, more general acceptance I believe), but a lot of my gay and lesbian friends say they feel incredible pressure to be 'normal', face discrimination every day, and they are also facing ugly legislation about stupid things, in the form of those religious protection acts popping up and things like Michigan trying to make oral and anal sex acts between consenting adults illegal (which is so crazy, most hetero couples I know including me would SO be in jail!).  While the detail is different, it seems to me that the social experience and pressures are very similar.  A lot of people go out of their way to treat both groups poorly, despite both life situations being something the person is born with.  I'm not sold on the nature of the variance, sexuality vs. total gender roles, is that different.  People want to control others, make them invisible and behave according to their boxes. 

I would think the treat me normally and respect my right to exist mindset pretty much all of the lgbtia have as far as my experience with the various groups shows would unite everyone in the really big overumbrella.  Apparently I'm overly naive.   

LOL I'm so whimpy to cold it in those conditions it might be naked dancing under my pajamas in a sleeping bag with no less than four fires in the tent!  You are brave!

I did the polar bear swim once by accident when Karma bit me in the but.  In 08 Nikki and I joined my mom and Daniel on an Alaskan cruise.  I was not overly excited about Alaska as I'm a total beach addict, but really pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the state a lot.  However, the cruise was a little stressful as the currents had changed, the boat was rocking wildly and walking was a challenge, and my son and I were SO sick the first day, while mom and Nikki were fine.  It was so bad 75% of the passengers and 50% of the crew was ill and they were handing out seasick pills like candy.  Nikki went out to forage at the store and came back proudly with a handful of individual packets, they had a big take what you like bowl set up on the front desk, no charge.  Really nice of them!  Which is REALLY weird because mom and Nikki are the ones most likely to get seasick.  However, amusement park rides tend not to bother Nikki, while they make offspring and I queasy, so it was probably the extreme motion rather than the usual gentle rocking that gets to mom and Nikki.  But thanks to the pills he found offspring and I had rallied enough to get to dinner and eat something.  The whole day we had only had a turkey sandwich we split between us while lying sadly in the bed glaring at Nikki who found it hilarious and was taking photos of us. 

So I get better, and I want to do EVERYTHING!  On the third day we went to Glacier Bay, and it was awe inspiring.  The glaciers are amazing, and watching the small calved bergs drift serenely by the boat was beautiful.  We were the first ship in, so it was all undisturbed and there were small bergs all around like confetti on the water.  They had a polar bear club swim on the outside pool.  This was in July, so mostly it was really warm on the cruise, but Glacier Bay was COLD.  I was standing on the deck above the swimmers with Nikki, and I laughed a little at them freezing in the water.  And I said "I will never do that!  Too wimpy, they're braver than me!" and went back in with Ashe.  And we proceeded to the indoor pool that is in a dome and heated area, and completely didn't notice that they had the dome wide open because they were setting up a lunch time poolside barbecue.   That pool water was so cold I can't even describe.  I think I sorta ran to the hot tub to recover, and then got stuck there because the air was cold.  LOL  I deserved it.  Laugh not at others, even in a non-mocking way. 

Nikki mentioned there are special dedicated cruises to LGBTIA, so that may be a possibility for a girl mode vacation in the future.  I think that would be fun for both of us, our favorite thing, a really relaxed atmosphere, and hopefully the weird intergroup conflicts left at teh dock, as cruises make everyone just sorta like each other for a week.  SEriously, what is with the splintering of the various groups under the umbrellas rather than uniting???  IT's not financially feasable for a couple years, but I'll have to start looking into this I think. 

Oh my gosh, I wash you and Violet the absolute best of luck trying to navigate a move in the winter weather!  We foolishly did that once, and I swear never again.  I will do anything to only ever move in summer months again.  I hope you love your new home though! 

I'm trying to take 2 and 7 down in priority, just there is a lot of contact right now due to my mom's illness and my son needing help with handling her.  He lives there to help care for her and the house, so I can't completely bow out and leave him to deal with it alone.  And the other side is being suspiciously nice right now, so I'm going with it with a healthy dose of 'what do they really want now?'  Nikki is keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm not letting them get to me while I'm distracted.  Imbolc was on my birthday! 

I hope this prints as i typed it, I'm on the ipad watching Clue in the living room.  TIM CURRY!  This movie is SO funny, it always makes me feel like life is great and it doesn't matter what mountain of things I have.  For an hour and a half life is all "Yup, two bodies, everything is fine here!". 

And demand as many trips to Tasty Freeze as you want to!  She'll miss the days when he stops...and need the nostalgia! 

Hugs!  Thank you so much, I'm just so tired trying to push all this loose sand back into a sandcastle.  A whole mountain of sand.  But I WILL do it.  Somehow.  And have given myself permission to stop feeling weird about feeling upset, now that I wrote out that list and realized how much I have to take on at once.  Not going to be fixing the hernia anytime soon, the best possible route to take with that is to keep supporting it with girdles and braces until I lost at leave fifty more pounds, and then look at going back to the surgeon with a much lower chance of ripping it open after surgery again like I did.  But so far wearing supportive garments has had the desired effect of reducing overall soreness and drastically lowering the chances of incarceration like the surgeon said.  I almost have my voice back!  *let's dance!  I can't sing even with my voice, I'm one of those people with a really weird and rather unpleasant pitch*  I feel good again!  And Nikki said if the weather pattern holds we might be putting up my pool next month!  Probably May, but April is a possiblity!  That pool is magic for my moods.  There is something about floating in the water looking at the sky while I think over things in my head that is so comforting.  I think it ties back to Grandpa again, we spent SO much time in the water having various talks over my lifetime. 

I hope your wife heals up quickly soon!  *Hugs*  I'm sorry she's not feeling so well.

I honestly don't know why I keep cycling around with my family.   I know rationally how bad it is, but...I still want something.  I just don't know what.  Maybe once I finally sort out what it is I'm even looking for with them then I'll be able to make a solid choice to be done.  Or maybe it's just familial guilt so deeply ingrained I don't even know it for what it is, just a lifelong habit.  But I'm at least at a place where I can easily give them prolonged time outs when they are unable to act like human beings.  And Nikki now understands I need support with the crazy, so that has been better. 

Now I'm going to go watch Clue.  I love that movie.  Thank your whole country for sharing Tim Curry with us!