ScottishDeeDee

I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year. I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want to look my best, shallow vanity I know, but that pretty lemon yellow summer dress that was in the clothes my sister sent up is something I would love to fit into next year. For the last 5 weeks I have gone out 3 times a week, usually Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, and the app I use the trainer called "Erin" tells me when to run and when to walk, it has been fantastic as given the choice I would walk most of the time. Through her I am now running more than I am walking and if I keep this up in two weeks time I should in theory be able to run a full 5km without stopping to walk. This has become more important to me as time passes, every time I am told to visualise why I have showed up to exercise I picture that dress. She told me to think of a mantra to repeat to myself and the one she uses is "Be strong... You're strong!" So being the unimaginative soul that I am I have been jogging around and chanting "Be strong DeeDee. You're strong." whenever it has felt tough, which has been a lot of he time. I haven't lost much weight, but I am feeling a lot fitter than I was when I started and it is nice to have something to push myself towards. My inner monologue talks in the 3rd person and I noticed that when it was getting particularly hard to catch my breathe on a farm track that slopes upwards, my inside voice started with the, "come on Dee Dee you can do this" encouragement, it was five or so minutes later as I was cruising down the track that I realised that my head voice never uses my male name anymore I only ever refer to myself as DeeDee. I think I am fine at the moment with the necessity that others have to use my male name but it is getting easier and easier to visualise a time when that will not have to happen anymore. I also think I need to order more openly feminine glasses as the ones I received and was most apathetic about as they were thinner than I had hoped I have been using as my everyday glasses and not one person has noticed that they have changed. It would be nice to own an everyday pair that I can use as DeeDee. x

I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy. I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in the post. No embarrassing conversations or sneakily trying to browse in the section marked "womens frames". I chose a burgundy pair that are similar to the ones I have now, but a little more expressive and chunkier and a lilac pair of sunglasses with a rose tint. It has taken 2 days to get my glasses, that is unheard of where I am as first class is a 2-3 day prospect and I am ineligible for next day delivery. I am delighted that they arrived so fast but am disappointed with the burgundy frames - I could wear them in male mode and no one would notice, they are a thinner metal than I thought so the colour does not come through, the sunglasses are beautiful though, I wish I had just bought the same frames for both sets! Overall though I am very happy, I love the lilac frames and I got 2 pairs of glasses for under £60 and while I was waiting in the opticians someone else spent £256 on one pair only to get his 2nd pair "free". I highly recommend taking your prescription and ordering online.

Thanks Jess, and Monica, the tartan flashes are accentuated as I move so I could wear it on any night out, but at a Burns supper or ceilidh it would definitely fit right in. I think it would work well with proper doc martin type boots, and obviously I do not naturally fill the bust panel, but it is nice to get back to looking more like me! Am back to drab now but had a lovely day even though I did not go anywhere!

Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel like a woman. I don't know what it is or why, but I do. Also - I got a new dress and I love it! 💖

Thanks Emma, I will do some searching and viewing and move away from depressing myself with Youtubers documenting the pace that the UK NHS gender services move at. I was watching someone who said about accessing the services, "You can either pay for your transition with money, or with time." It stuck with me because it is true, in any transaction there is a triangle of quality, speed and cost and you can only ever get two out of three at most. I would rather go slow and have a quality (genuinely thought through) experience than rush and regret something later. I will be fine. I always am. x

Thanks Monica, perhaps someone else who sees this will benefit from those warm line numbers but that is effectively what I am blogging here for. I find the writing cathartic and it helps me stop wallowing and focus on really understanding how I feel. I am physically isolated from my real life friends, the two couples I have confided in stay too far for regular contact and even the ones I haven't are a good 3hr drive away. Moving will be on the cards eventually especially if I become Dee socially full time, but at the moment it would just create a different set of problems rather than solving any. I will find my momentum again soo enough though - thank you both for your kindness. 💛

I am having a down type of week, I am really missing my daughter. Since she moved away to stay with her mum (her choice) my son is enjoying the structure and ability to do what he wants but every so often he says he is sad that his sister is not here with us and I have to agree. It's been 3 days since I have heard from her but I do not want to constantly message her or she will not settle into her new routine. This has absolutely been the hardest part of the divorce. I have slowly put on all the weight I lost last year too so I am back to where I started last September. So today I feel ugly. Even if I wanted to dress in my proper clothes I couldn't because I doubt most of them will fit me now That makes me feel ugly like I do today, another side effect to being divorced is that the feeling of not being good enough that I had moaned at me all throughout my marriage has never gone away, I still feel unloveable and unattractive, so all of that combined makes me miserable and turn to sugary carb filled rubbish. I am back to struggling to gt my work done. On the plus side I have done two 5km walk and jogs this week as well as a small swim and I am trying to establish healthy routines again. My initial gender clinic appointment is in October so I only have 6 weeks to wait until I finally see someone and can get a professional opinion on whether I have inherited my mothers crazy genes or if I am genuinely stuck in the wrong body. I am closer now than I have ever been to wanting to transition socially, it is still too early in my journey but more and more I feel less like a man as I try and define what makes a man a man and a woman a woman. When I spend time in groups I struggle to find points of interest with the men falling back on probing to discover their hobbies and getting them to talk about themselves instead, or just mentioning UK politics which everyone has an opinion on just now. It is odd because I feel more at peace with the idea that I really do see myself as female despite what the outward view is, not all the time, but definitely most of the time. I also really want to go out as Dee again and not having a chance to be able to is weighing on me. I guess I am just rambling, but sometimes it is good to get it all out. xx

Thank you all for your responses, as folks who are confident of who you are even though you have had different life journeys, you each possess a perspective that I do not. I find it helpful that I can ask these questions as sometimes I cannot see the woods for the trees. This morning I was watching someone do a cosplay tutorial for Nebula from Guardians Of The Galaxy and she had a really hard job gluing and hiding her hair to put on a bald cap to then paint over - I would totally have an advantage if I ever chose to cosplay her and my friends would be blown away if I got it right. (hope comes in the strangest of places sometimes). I use my blogs as a journal Monica, I do not write them for others, but mostly as letters to myself, I just know that sometimes other people read and interact with them. It gives me something to go back and read and I can quickly remember how I felt and what was on my mind. It is why I try to keep up with weekly posts even when I am not necessarily blogging about trans issues. I have never been one for keeping a diary but have found that kind of journalling useful and therapeutic.✍️ Thanks Christa - I guess that I do still struggle with whether or not this is going to improve my quality of life. Being Dee at a Pride event was one small moment, it was a weekend full of fun and without all the normal day to day mundane moments of life so I am trying to work out if I feel more complete facing these as Dee and if so why. I am still working out what do I truly want and need and why?

Thanks Emma, I have been thinking of going back and trying again with Dara's book now that I am at a different point of my own journey. Though I am pretty sure I would be the annoying sidekick constantly needing rescued rather than the hero... 💛

🤗 Thank you Christa. I am considering getting a sweep of my upper torso done but it is costing me £150-£180 per visit just for my face (either 1 hr of laser or 3 hrs of electrolysis) How much growth/stubble do you allow for laser - I find it incredibly painful although my facial hair has thinned substantially. I am still searching for the true me. Some days it seems obvious that Dee is who I should be and other days it seems that Dee is just a part of who I should be. I was asked recently if Dee is simply a way to allow myself the freedom of expression that I do not allow my male self, and the honest answer is I simply do not know. Do we become trans as a result of trauma we receive or do we receive trauma because we are trans and more vulnerable before we transition? x

Thank you ladies, I needed cheering up today and it did the trick. I have had a lovely and properly relaxing day. 💛

I would say a 100 miles is a long hike! I guess your starting location is 100 miles away and the hike is there! I hope you enjoy it. Snapchat and the filter are free to use Emma, as long as it is just for giggles I do not see why not. People used to pay good money for glamour shoots which were the older equivalent. Thank you, that's sweet of you to say. 🤭 She has certainly made me feel beautiful for a while and that is what counts today. One day I will decide if she is going to become a permanent fixture on the outside or just a part of me on the inside.

I have been feeling very down recently. I know that the main reason is my daughter moving away with her mum but it means that I have been feeling letheragic and flat and have not done any self care whatsoever. This morning I woke up choked with a cold and decided while listening to the rain that I was not going to push myself and do my Saturday morning 5k, instead I got up and effectively have been pampering myself. I put on some cheesy tunes from spotify and shaved my legs and arms, my chest I used a cream on 2 days ago so while I can see black hairs growing thy are too small to touch just now. I gave myself a proper close shave and then had a long and hot shower. As soon as I came out I put on my wig. The wig makes an instant difference when I look in the mirror, I do not see a him but a her. With this boost I moisturised and put on some mascara, some light eye shadow and did my eyebrows using eyeshadow makeup and finished with a touch of lip gloss. I then spent a bit of time doing my toe and finger nails and then finally put on a summer dress - it is a bit too figure hugging to wear out while I am this heavy but if I lose a stone or two it will look great. I then pulled out my Dee phone and went through the snapchat filters taking photos. I took a couple a while back when everyone started going on about the genderswap filters and noticed that it will make anyone look good. I do not have any contacts on snapchat so I have no one to send them to, but I had a proper giggle pouting, looking serious and playing with all the different options and then saving them and exporting them to my google drive. In snapchat I can easily pass for a cis woman, if I put up one or two of those photos on a dating site I know I would get interest, I do not look 40, it is amazing what soft focus coupled with pixel makeup can do! I even tried the male filter and while I am not used to seeing myself with male hair oddly that photo genuinely looked so much less like me then the female ones do, normally you can still see yourself underneath the gimmicks but it was hard to as a man. I am starting to understand why so many young teens are getting addicted to taking photos of themselves all the time even if I am rubbish at explaining it. Of course I knew I was just passing the morning and distracting myself from my woes but it has worked. I am actually in a pretty good mood and found myself smiling and laughing out loud. One of these days I will figure out if Dee is a distraction, if I am merely using my copying skills to emulate femininity because I envy it, or I will realise that I am actually Dee and feel happy because I am actually being my real self. It is a tangle of fears and confusion and thoughts and second thoughts and it can all wait for another day. For now I am going to spend the rest of my day dressed but snuggled up on the sofa. Later I will be catching up with my Canadian friends online but today, all day I am just Dee. 💖💋💖 Because they are so heavily filtered here is kittie me from Pride, (meow!) the random bloke the male filter turned me into that I can honestly say looks nothing like me even on a man day, and the Dee that I sometimes catch glimspes of in the mirror (minus the nose ring).

Thank you Christa, I was chatting to my sister about it all this morning and she was saying that in my head I am still scared, but not to worry until after I have started seeing a gender therapist to help me through it. I think in her mind I will definitely transition once I feel more confident that it is the right thing for me, but I need more of those reaffirming moments for it to make sense to me. There are so many unknown factors that there is not too much I could actually do until I have made up my mind and I will not do that until I am in the system. My sister has been clinically depressed since she lost one of her children a few years ago so she understands the lethargy and constant effort that everything is, so I am starting to wonder if I am depressed about my gender or depressed because of my work/life situations both of which are alright, but not amazing at the moment, or if it is simply stress because I am worrying about the future rather than living in the present. xx

Thank you ladies. 😭 🤗 I can't even cry properly! I went out and did my 5km walk/jog this morning and have dressed as Dee for today and do feel a little better. I will try to find things to occupy my brain that are useful. Emma that link does speak to a lot of my big feelings. How do you know if you are doing the right thing? I've worn a smile for years - if I drop this life is so much simpler for everybody else. What if I pump all of this time and money into transitioning only to continue to feel like I am not good enough? Where do we find contentment?

All my get up and go has got up and gone... (borrowed from a mug I saw once) so true of me right now. Earlier I waved my kids off for 3 weeks holidays with their mum, and when they come back I have them for 3. It should be a chance to be productive and maybe even work in some Dee time but I just can't. I have been sat in my empty house all day watching Stranger Things and eating my body weight in hummous, tomatoes, olives and crackers because I finished all the sweet things in the house already. I am seeking something, anything to keep my brain occupied from the thought that I am losing my daughter. Her mum moves away and she chose to go with her, something that we have both already cried about, we will miss each other but still see one another during holidays and the odd weekend visit, but it really really hurts. I have been stressed for this last week, almost constant headaches, short fuse, tired all day but unable to sleep until after 2am. Oh and of course stress/comfort eating. None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been. How can I be numb and in pain at the same time? 😭😭😭😭😭

Emma, in the end I just made the most of the time without stressing about it. Family relations can be tough at the best of times, but this is one of those days where it adds an extra blob of trans awkwardness (for me) on top.. 💛

Thanks Jess. I found a meme I could get behind, so I am just going to enjoy the time with my kids and not worry about it. x

Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could go off to a music festival so it wasn't completely altruistic on her part, but I think I got the better deal. She left a £10 in an envelope with a card my daughter made at her after school club with a note saying time had run out and she hadn't had time for her to buy anything. My son never got a mention and she had them the last 2 weekends. For comparison on Mothers day I made sure the kids had bought a card and some butter fudge which is one of her favourite sweets and then bought and cooked a 2 course meal at her house with the kids for her. It is not about the stuff (genuinely couldn't care less) but every so often I am reminded of just how far down the priority list I am unless she needs something and it still stings.. So I bought a Terrys Chocolate Orange and some nice ingredients and we are going to have a big Roast Dinner tomorrow complete with GF yorkies and gravy, and then we are going to go for a family walk along one of the local beaches with the dog that I seem to get almost every time my daughter comes because my ex struggles to ditch all 3 dogs when she goes off on her weekends. I have been struggling with what to think about Fathers Day. It seems a bit daft celebrating it when I am effectively waiting for my October appointment (which got pushed back a week to the 2nd week in October by sms this week- yay! 💩) you know, considering I do not now and nor have I ever felt like a good father. I have been told I am by a load of people but it has always rang empty, not humility, just - not true. Why do we separate them out and not just have a happy parent day? Every time one or the other comes around there are single parents (a couple of my sisters included) and grandparents raising children that stand up and say "I do this job too" so why do we have to make it such hallmark, card giving gender thing? I don't know if I'm peed off at the day itself or because I will feel like a fraud when my daughter gives me the card she made for her dad.

Aww Jess, that is really affirming! I'm glad it was the best kind of run in! I am picking my way through it all slowly, but because I was doing so many firsts - I just couldn't process them all - so having an outside opinion would help lol. 💛 x

Thanks Christa, My family and friends have been amazing! I hope they were being honest with me and not just trying to build my confidence though. I don't really have a giggle 😂 But it was definitely a fun weekend, I need to try to do more normal life stuff too like when we popped in to buy a dress top and cardigan before the night out - the changing rooms weren't open but if they had been I would have used them. I felt natural but I really want to know if that came across or not (just in case I'm using rose tinted glasses) X

Hi Emma, There's no such thing as late online - unless this gets archived! I know I will go out again, what I have been trying to do this week is decide on the what/when/where. Picking up where I left off with the kids in my male get up has been fairly simple - no big fanfares. Like putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes - well worn in and exactly as expected. I don't know if I expected to react more or if it is just being flat after having such a packed and emotional weekend. On reflection there were 3 stand out highlights over the two days: The first was going out for dinner on the Friday night, when at separate times my sister jumped thinking a strange woman had stood in her personal space at the traffic lights and then watching my niece walking past our dining table because she just did not "see" me at the table. The second was chatting to the coffee ladies and talking about holidays after being left on my own for a while in the Pride village. I was waiting on my latte, and it was just a fun upbeat conversation, and they made normal eye contact and I never once saw the cogs turning, or the sleight hesitation I had seen the day before in some of the waiting staff, though my assumption is that they knew I was trans, especially when I mentioned just being myself while I was there. The third was hearing that my friends had an excellent night out, that after an hour or so of it feeling a bit weird, that they just relaxed and had a great night because they realised I was still the same me and not acting differently.

Thanks Monica - I am discovering that I really like the gentle curls, blonde is what I used to be, and is also the same as the two sisters I look most like - so you are probably right colour-wise, that one was just for fun at the Pride village. x

Aww, thank you Monica! 🤭 I have learnt a great deal about myself this weekend, the only thing that felt unnatural was my wig which was starting to be a pain by the end of the day - everything else just felt right, not odd, not play acting, not forced - so the way I currently feel I know I want to continue exploring being Dee, but I am still paranoid about posting my face online for anyone to see. You had asked to see the wig though so I wanted to share. As much as they were a pain I loved the nails and was so glad I bought them! (they came from a UK equivalent of a dollar store) :) x

Quick pic of my wig and nails from my day and night out as Dee. x