ScottishDeeDee

I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them. My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my nieces, on arrival I immediately put on my every day blonde bob hair which has a fringe so it hides the netting well even though it is cheap, I then went and changed into a more overtly feminine styled black and dark blue top that had long sleeves and a rolled neckline, put on my "natural" false lashes and some lip gloss and both my niece and sister said that I looked completely natural. I wore my charity shop pastel blue Vans trainers and paid the price for my bargain with blisters later. I know my chin is still red and blotchy from the combination laser and electrolysis but they said it was not noticeable. I put my phone and wallet (which is small enough to pass as a purse) in my handbag with the lip gloss and perfume that I had chosen and we then walked up to the place where my sister was staying to drop off her bag. As we were waiting to cross the road my sister did a double take because she thought I was some random woman who had walked up and stood beside her 🤣. We then walked into the centre of town to a buffet style Thai/Chinese restaurant and had a wonderful meal, the city was a typical busy city street, lots of people passing and my niece and sister told me at the restaurant that not a single person had done a double take. I must admit that while I felt slightly self conscious the conversation and company made me completely forget I was presenting female a couple of times. Nobody shouted anything, I'm fairly certain I heard one guy asking his mate if that was a guy at a bus stop as we passed but they didn't yell or choose to come and find out. None of the waiting staff stared or treated me any different to my sister or niece and as far as I am aware none of the tables around us passed any comment or stared either. I was just another customer stuffing my face with plates of sushi. The loos were practically unisex - an open lay out design meant one set of sinks with a couple of cubicles denoting the woman's area, my sister came with me but it was deserted. My fears turned out to be just that, spectres that had no substance. It was a fantastic meal, I felt too full and then when we queued and paid we were just a part of the queue - nothing different or unique. We walked back up that same busy street, again no one stared or said anything - the buskers asked for cash as they do but again no one said anything - there was a short period where a man was walking uncomfortably close behind us and talking to his friend about how he was carrying a knife, but thankfully before long he turned off and went into a pub. My niece then suggested a quick drink to say thank you for the meal before my sister headed back to her lodgings and so we went into her local pub. It was very bright and there was a wee corner that my sister and I went and sat in while my niece got a round in with her student discount. The woman at the table next to us stared heavily as we walked in and sat down but it could just as easily have been because they were a large group and had been using the seats we sat down in - in the UK if there are no jackets or drinks you just sit in the empty space - if a seat is being kept you are told. We had our drink and then the large group left, my sister went up and bought a second one but we left when some old drunk guy came and sat down in the now vacant table beside us and started trying to strike up a conversation with my sister - I went to the loo, this time with my niece and then we came back to her flat after a quick stop for some blister plasters because every step was agony for me. My first time out in the big city was completely uneventful - my niece used my male name twice and both times I gently asked her not to while I am wearing a wig and ladies clothing and she was mortified, but she did not treat me any differently. I was hyper aware of my surroundings and how close people were to me, my sister said that she felt really protective of me - if the knife guy hadn't turned off she was going to stop us under a pretext to let him pass, she also sat on the outside so that I could sit in the corner - physically placing herself between me and the rest of the room. I laughed when she asked if that was how guys feel and I had to say yes - every male becomes a potential threat, even though I knew I could never finish anything it was my duty to get in harms way to protect the women I was with. Overall I did feel self conscious - I do not think I pass in the couple of photos we took, but my sister and niece said that I absolutely did. Apparently my false lashes looked amazing and I will now have to show my sister how to put them on because she cannot do them, but like any woman my age I was not caked in makeup and I was dressed properly - i had noticed that my sister stopped long enough to apply some lippy when she dropped her bag off too. The world did not stop - I did not get lynched, or shouted at, or spaton, or treated like I had an extra head (though a gull did poop on my sisters jacket) Tomorrow is the more overtly flamboyant day - I intend to wear my makeup and put on my nails and trans coloured wig and am considering wearing a skirt and top if they meet with my nieces approval. Then in the evening we will go out - though I only have a little black dress which could be too fancy. It is hard to say how I feel precisely - it felt so totally natural, apart from the times when I remembered that I was wearing a wig, or when I needed the loo - it was just like every other time i have gone out with my sister for something to eat - the difference tonight is that I was her sister too. I was glad to get home, going from the night air into the building made me sweat really quickly so I was glad for the ice in my drinks, I remain unconvinced about my ability to pass and yet even without makeup I seem to have had my wish to just be invisible. Just another person in the city having some food and enjoying a drink with her two friends. My married friends will be meeting up with me tomorrow and this is the first time they will see me out as Dee so I hope that they can be as nonchalant about it as my sister and niece were, my sister has a beautician with a trans sister and was talking about me telling her at her last visit - apparently the thing that struck her most was just how little she reacted to the ews, she was not overly shocked or surprised even though she had never seen me as anything other than male. I have been offered to go and see the beautician any time and she will take care of me which is nice. This evening was just so lovely - I am tired and sleepy but really wanted to record it before I sleep - more again tomorrow night if I remember! 💋💖

Jess - It may be a long flight but you would definitely be made welcome! Thank you all. I will let you know how I feel and how things turn out. 💖💋

On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces. If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change. This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always had a good relationship, so it was a nice gesture. So I checked to see if she was genuinely serious and then agreed as it was a local Pride event and there would be plenty of events on guaranteeing a bit more anonymity and less pressure if I do not pass. At the time I figured I had months to get used to the idea of going outside as Dee, and that I would be more confident and then life happened lol. I have been outside once, in the woods, when they were deserted. I ordered a wig off Amazon that has the trans flag colours starting at light blue and going down to pink, along with a couple of flag pin badges. I've bought a beautiful leather bracelet watch that I can wear instead of my cheapy sports watch and my utility handbag. This afternoon I literally went through my entire femme wardrobe, which is tiny and apart from a few items consists entirely of the hand me downs from my sister. I literally pulled everything out and tried it on - my goal to lose weight obviously did not go to plan and so I wanted to see what I could and couldn't wear. Oh to not have a tummy! Some of the tees looked incredibly frumpy and were instantly discarded, a pair of slightly flared white jeans looked really good but were too tight to be practical and so I whittled it down to a red skirt and white top, or my dark jeans and butterfly tee or my dark jeans and black and blue asymmetrical top. Simply for a casual Friday night and for wandering around stalls in the village area on the Saturday. I only have 2 dresses to choose between for Sat night though, a gorgeous little black velvet flared dress which may be a bit OTT for going pubbing and clubbing or a simpler but slightly more modest blue and black fit and flare dress which does not look as good in person as it looked online. If I decide against them we may have to go shopping for something cheap and cheerful to wear to go dancing in. I have a nice set of black heels that are modest, a pair of black boots and a pair of comfy trainers that will both go with the jeans and a light (bright pink) rain jacket I picked up in a charity shop in a last minute panic. Apart from the fun wig I have my two favourite blonde wigs, a set of nails and eye lashes and all the makeup I own in a little case. Oh and I have an old PAYG phone that I have charged and checked so I can still take selfies and not worry that FB will be popping them up on my timeline for everyone I know to see. Oh and because I have done two 5k's the last couple of weekends I have taken leggings and a ladies running top just in case I end up doing that with my sister on Saturday morning, because even if I do it will be as Dee. I am taking far too much, I know this, but I cannot decide what I want to wear and it will also depend on what my niece intends to wear. On the Saturday day she is wearing a rainbow wig, black leggings and a bright pink tutu - just because she can. She is on the larger side, and has some self confidence issues so our intention is to support each other and have a blast doing it. I cannot see my bed at the moment because I now have to start the process of fitting it all into the suitcase so it is packed away and ready to go in the car. I am a bundle of nerves but absolutely buzzing with nervous energy. 😳😳 I have deliberately let my chest hair grow back thick enough that I can use a depilatory cream on it tonight and so once I de-fuzz tomorrow I am good to go! I have literally packed a case to go away every week for the last three weeks, but they were all full of man clothes and so much easier to to pack light for. Anyone got any useful last minute advice?

Thanks Christa, I don't think I will ever stop wearing jeans and tees, but of course I like skirts and dresses at the moment so it will be my niece keeping me right fashion-wise, if I am brave enough once the kids have been dropped off I will get changed so I can arrive as Dee - even without wig or makeup it would make a big difference to me mentally. I still have to frequently correct myself when I talk about my ex and our divorce should be at the final stages now, it is easier online because I can go back and type it out right, but mentally I am finding it easier and easier to see the separation as the right thing. She is happier with her new man than I have seen her in a long time though and on top of that I am fairly certain that a pair of my younger married friends will be trying to pair me off with one of their single female friends this weekend at a birthday party. I do not see myself as a catch at all, for anybody, and especially while I am investigating how I want to be and how I want the world to see me - male with a feminine side or a female who used to be male. I need to to be sure of before I do anything permanent with friends/work and my own body - apart from hair removal - I am already 10 times happier not having to shave every day. But it is sweet of them to try and pair me off, they will be a couple that I lose if I do come out as we have very different outlooks.Two weekends out in a row though so it's not all bad , then a rest as I start electrolysis and then my big weekend away! Jess - I am functioning a lot better in my life since accepting that I am trans and that my feelings go a lot deeper than simply enjoying wearing tights, but I do find the whole idea of becoming female hard to grasp, not just that it requires a mental shift, but a physical one too and there is only so much science can do. How do I know what is relearning behaviours, what is pretending? and what is just new masking? voices/walking/wigs - they are all sticking points with me even though others seem to have no issues accepting them. Everything online says that it is a long, hard slog to change your gender to the point of legally and physically being at the opposite end of the spectrum to where you start out. Emma - I was brave today and bought a nice cream top, a light, pink rain jacket and a pair of pastel blue pumps as I was also buying clothes for the fancy dress party I am attending in a charity shop close to home (it is a carribean themed murder mystery party and I am playing an ex-womaniser lol) I am a bit worried about dancing because I sweat profusely as a male when I dance, and it is rare to see a woman absolutely wringing with sweat when it isn't the height of summer. When I go away I will try and update my blog if I find myself in the situation of being sat up and alone whether last thing at night or early in the morning, but I do hope to be out or in company most of the time. In my mind after the first couple of nervous fashion "is this ok?" changes.. once we leave the flat I hope to just relax and enjoy the moment. 💖 💃🎶 If I cannot enjoy myself or feel like I am at a fancy dress party the whole time - then I know that transitioning may not be right for me and need to re-think a few of my current conclusions. Thanks everyone for the encouragement though, I remember when this was months away and now it's only a couple of weeks!!! 😳😳😳

Emma, it is very likely she is just reaching out to be friends now that our other friends are all couples, no sense putting all of my personal issues out there for someone who may not be looking for it, I have just been rejected and do not need more of that in my life right now until I am more confident in myself.

haha - nope - thank you ladies but that is not a conversation I am ready for. I have known her for years but we have not been close friends, just. While what I know about her tells me she would be accepting, I do not know if she could keep that information to herself yet. I have a niece, a sister and 2 friends (a cishet couple) who will all be about for the weekend, which is so far consisting of an evening and two full days of being Dee out and about. If I keep my nerve and if it feels right while I am out I will relax and just be me. If I don't or I bottle it part way through I have learnt a lesson about who I am. It's like a real life therapy session

* Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience* Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh. In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either do or don't. When my ex told me that her granny had died and that her wishes had been for me to speak at the service I did not even consider saying no. I was meant to be starting my holidays and had already had to say no to two other families, but this one has a personal connection. The next day my ex rang me again and told me that they had changed their minds and asked someone else to do it, so when I packed my bags to go and help my mum move, I was expecting to just be another mourner. I was content to believe that I would simply be turning up to pay my respects but when I arrived at my ex mother in laws house as she was taking the kids for a weekend while I attended a friends wedding I noticed my name on the order of service and pointed out that it needed to be changed before they did the big print run. I was assured it was meant to be there as they had decided that they wanted to honour their mums wishes and she had wanted me to be a part of the service. They had already planned the service out, and that was how I found out about my involvement. Not an awkward position to be put in at all... I also had to go through the part of meeting my ex wife's new fiance the night before the service itself while I was helping with last minute prep and knew that even without me there was enough of the usual family dramas going on to make the funeral a possible tinderbox. I made a point of cracking a couple of appropriate light hearted jokes with the new guy to break any tension and reassure my ex that I was not going to do anything (even though she knows that I would never even dream of being the one to cause an issue) The day of the service I waited with the family and had the joy of it being the first time many of them had seen me since we had split up so I had to reassure all of them that I am doing okay while new guy sits literally behind me hugging my ex wife. My ex mother in laws ex was taking a cord at the burial, but did not want to sit with the family (it gets more complicated than that but I wont go into it here - 3 generations of the women in my exes family have married, cheated and then remarried - maybe I should have seen it coming) I am extremely good at self control - I worked on it as a teenager and mastered the art of locking down my feelings and frustrations and just letting them out later, as someone who has spent their life hiding and ignoring any indication of liking or wearing female clothing for the sheer guilt and shame of it I can assure you that the hardest thing to control is blushing, but that is a situation that happens rarely in my life. I did my bit, I had to pause a few times to suck back in the desire to shed tears and when my ex wife sang because she had been asked to I was glad I could sit and close my eyes so that I could keep my emotions under control. After the service I could then go and hug my children who had attended too but had been with the immediate family and were obviously gutted, after some coffee and some food I managed to get my nerves back down and stay in professional mode enough to be polite to those who wanted to speak to me even though I really did not want to be in that room any more. I was a wreck by the time I had completed the 3hr drive home that evening with the kids, those who knew I had been taking part in the service were getting anxious that I had not been in touch, and last night I was so drained that I probably slept soundly for the first time in a long time. Today I am still tired, happy that the wedding provided me with a chance to catch up with so many of my friends and literally give me an excuse to dance all night, though I laughed when I was dancing with my female friend who knows about me exploring being Trans and she "led" the dance, the hand grip is very different. There was one brilliant moment when it was me and 4 woman at the bar and they were all ordering white wine and lemonade and I said that I had better order a beer to at least put on the pretence of being manly, they laughed and made a joke about it, but the truth is while wine may not be my preference simply because of the cost per glass, I would have drank the same as them all night quite happily. So much is about appearances, I may be trying to hide less - I was offering helpful advice when a friend was putting on fake nails getting ready for the wedding, and I now message how i wish without shortening the responses or removing all of the hugs at the end (most of the time) but "beer" was a default response I didn't feel comfortable changing, even though it was my sister that taught me to drink pints in the first place. I also spent some time talking with someone who I have known for years, recently she has been messaging me - a change in her FB habits - to see if I was coming to the wedding and then again afterwards to thank me for the chat and the dances, and again last night to offer a virtual hug after a FB post about the funeral - we are both separated from our exes and both have kids that are on the autistic spectrum and there is nothing overtly romantic or flirty about the messages or her conversation, but it is a change in habit enough to trigger my warning sensors and I do not know if she wants more or not - I was as open as I could be with everyone about the fact that I am having a crisis of identity at the moment and trying to learn who I am, but this is something I do not know what to do about - we did not hug or kiss in person and I danced with literally all my female friends and at least two male friends - I am extremely quick to pick up on other peoples moods, but hopeless when it comes to myself. How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!

Thank you Emma, it is odd as I doubt that for anyone else it would make a difference but for safety you need to use your real name and bring photographic ID to the event. There is no question of which tee you want afterwards they just hand them out. In my head I was perhaps pining for another missed opportunity to be seen as Dee, however unlikely it was that I would choose to, tanks for sharing your experience. 🤗 I have a long way to go yet on hair removal - but switching to electrolysis is a marker that has arrived faster than I anticipated. It must feel weird shaving on skin you cannot feel! but if FFS was important to you then nothing stops you going back once you have recovered. My electrologist asked me if I had thought about hair transplants yesterday and I honestly had not considered it - she obviously has a low opinion of the wigs available through the NHS!

Just had a really bizarre moment. I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question. I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever. It actually made me tear up a little bit that I had to use my male name, a wave of sadness washed over me knowing I will now get a male tee-shirt and have to turn up with my male photographic ID. I will most likely still be presenting male next March so why does this seem like such a big deal? On the up side I only have one more laser session to go - my electrologist has targeted as many dark hairs as she can find and now wants me to get a numbing cream - at our next appointment she will explode the last of the dark hairs then put the cream on my face, wait an hr and make a start on the electrolysis for all those white and ginger hairs left. I am going to have to take a book to read while I wait!

Thank you Monica, I know it seems sad but it was not something I could see while I was in the relationship. Even though my sisters did tell me several times that I was being a doormat, but I knew that when we finally split up it was not because of a lack of effort on my part. I am very doubtful at the moment that I will have any future relationships. Doomed not to be held or have grown up snuggles on the sofa, but I never got them thrughout most of my marriage... so one thing at a time. Lets see who I am first !

Thank you Emma, some of those events look amazing- the idea of having a "big sister" to look after you is really sweet and certainly something I would do! - some of the others have plenty of space for chatting and socialising which is likely what I would want to do most - for an introvert I do love being in the company of others - it is hard to beat good company or good music. 🎶 I will do some more research into them, although going on holiday without my children just does not seem right for me at the moment. Briannah - yup gaming time is an important part of the daily de-stressing ritual - my ex split up with me before I started questioning my gender and I suspect that her man was a catalyst for that happening (this was the 3rd time she had left me and I know they had been together last time we were seperated), but it gave me the push to start looking at myself properly to see why I was unhappy and why she had left me; that coupled with a halloween fancy dress party made me start questioning my gender for the first time in my life. To say it was a shock is an understatement and I am really only just coming to terms with being trans and starting to explore what that means for me. Losing some of that stability and the possibility of losing my children (11 & 12) either through my ex deciding to try and fight for custody or through the children not wanting/able to deal with me being transgender genuinely terrifies me. Meanwhile life goes on around me like nothing has really happened because what else can I do? Theoretically I want to do exactly the same things I am doing now, just interacting and being perceived socially as the female I feel and emotionally connect with on the inside. The children have always come first for me and always will, but how can I tell them it is okay to be themselves in this world if I do not live that out for myself? Sorry it became a bit of an intro unintentionally 😁🙄

According to the online calculators a female my height should weigh 153 lbs or less, but I am currently at 218 lbs - I carry it well but my stomach is gross in my opinion. I had gotten down to under 200 at Christmas and then have slowly eaten it all back on these last few months - I rarely drink but I do love my carbs - pizzas, burgers, pasta, breads. I have a half eaten chocolate bunny beside my bed that I need to throw out. It isn't so much that I don't know what to eat but more like I enjoy eating too much. I have signed up with my nephew and sister to do a 10 mile night time hill race next March so I am determined to work on my fitness which should start to bring my weight down if I can get back to eating properly and find a routine that works for me. I like womens clothes too much to want to wear baggies all the time - I do not mind being a UK 12-14, as that is average these days despite what the shops seem to try and tell women, but anything over a UK 18 for me personally is too big. It is that balancing act between finding out what is genuinely me and making sure that I am not just trying to be something I am not. For instance when I wear a wig I instantly feel prettier and more girly. It makes me smile and puts a slight spring in my step whether or not I have chosen to put makeup on. Yet male me has been bald for my entire adult life and I am fighting an internal battle to be able to dress and feel womanly without hair because that is more natural - how can I tell my friends, this is who I really am when they will look at me and see a dude in womens clothes and a wig? How do I get past that? I have realised that 99% of the time when I am checking out a woman I am actually looking at their outfit and trying to decide what about it I like or dislike - I like calf boots with jeans and leggings, I love skirts and dresses with loose scarves or long necklaces - I hate little puffer jackets and trouser jumpsuits. After I have noticed all of this then I get to the face and do the - "oh, she's pretty" or not lol. I have never been one for window shopping people, to rate someone else you have to be able to rate yourself and that is something I have always struggled with - I used to love sitting and making up stories about who people were and what they were doing as they walked past I get the internalised transphobia - I realised that me not wanting to be trans but being happy to hear others successes was doing exactly that. It was the same with dysphoria - it took me a while to recognise that not liking my body hair would come under that category. Worrying about the whole, "can I pass" is that too - it is not that I want to be seen as an attractive woman, but that I do not want to be seen as a man dressing as a woman. In my head that is an important distinction. I will continue to write - as you can tell by these responses I find it so much easier to say what I feel when I write compared to in person - my voice is not terribly low, I am a tenor in tone and my sisters are not much higher, but I have a deepness in tone that they do not. Our speech patterns and mannerisms are very similar. I will keep spending my money on hair removal - once a month is all I can afford, but it is giving me such a boost and one of these days I hope to be Dee when I come to the appointments, or at least start to ask about subtle eyebrow shaping and nails which would have to still be subtle but is definitely going to be a way of me expressing myself. With my money going on hair it does mean that for now writing is the only way to express myself- for better or worse the internet and by extension this wonderful community have become my counsellor Through the NHS I am on a waiting list to speak to someone at a gender identity clinic which is in mid October because of my hesitancy last October (the trade off for the wait is that this is free, paid or through my tax over the years I have been working) - my assumption is that they will make an appointment for me to meet with a gender therapist and I will be placed on another waiting list for that; at the moment I am at the point where I want to explore my transgender feelings more in depth, and to pretty much have someone tell me that this is not all in my head (or connected to my marriage ending and that I am just a very confused crossdresser). I want to try hormones for a month or so because from what I have researched it is almost a lightbulb moment in that either it feels very wrong or it feels very right - that would be huge for me. So, how does a country girl go about being a girl when she has very limited time and opportunities? Other than moving to Seattle? Which may be a wonderful future holiday option but is not practical for the average day. 💖 As a total P.S I finished epilating my legs this morning after a shower and my word are they smooth compared to shaving! It is like having that sensation from the first time I removed all the hair with cream 🤭🤭 No perfect all over, but that is more my fault than the machine. I am going to be gutted when I have to go back to boy mode later on this afternoon - I love, love, love how this feels! Now to see if this lasts and if it is easier to stay on top of than shaving alone.

Hi Monica, I think I am going to have to do this soon, I have many cis female friends but will have to come out to them in order to get support and finding an lgbt group will involve travelling down to the closest big town. I need more real life experience as Dee too and in the back of my head I am working out how to keep a mini Dee-case in my boot so I can change and go into town on the days I don't have the children. I decided to share my experience with the epilator because while most people seem to shave until they just no longer need to - I really do not have the time to shave all over daily which I would need to do. Even when I do I hate looking down and seeing the dark roots just under the skin. It seems like a good compromise for someone on their own who is not going to make an appointment for a waxing session. I cannot get away with artificial nails at the moment either, growing my natural ones out with clear varnish is as much as I can hope for, with the occassional stick on nails for a day when I can. Briannah, thank you for your input. My son is a very good judge of character, so I am not going to push him to like the new man in his mums life, but he is being brought up to be respectful and until he is older he knows that he is not the boss, adults are. With his ASD some people can find him challenging, especially as he likes to control his environment - he chose to live with me because it is a quieter and more stable household and he gets more gaming time. His sister stays with her mum, she is also on the Autistic spectrum but loves all the social things that her mum does. Both children have been told they can choose to go and live with the other parent at any point if they want to, but they will still do holidays and visits until they get to 16 and can decide for themselves.

I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath. I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the divorce to be finalised but am genuinely much calmer inside that it was the right thing for us to do. I am not at the stage of looking for anyone else - by not at the stage I mean it isn't even on my radar. Just a pleasing passing thought. Cut to a few hours later where I am slightly less distracted. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud recently - I have not dressed properly (regularly or for any length of time) in weeks now, between being busy because Easter and Christmas are my two busiest times of year, and then because the children were off school and they take priority. But I did order a couple of new wigs, one to wear out and a fun one to wear to pride if I get the courage to go. The wig instantly made me want to dress as Dee - they definitely give me confidence that I am sorely lacking. The facial hair removal is actually going really well, after that horrendous first session I still have a red mark on my neck which I hope will fade in time, but now when I shave I look smoother for far longer - and I no longer need to shave twice a day to look clean shaven, I intend to keep all the receipts so I can tot up how much it costs start to finish. The other purchase that arrived today was an epilator - I have been poring through old threads trying to see how people have dealt with unwanted hair downstairs and most have said they either shave or epilate - I cannot contemplate epilating that area just now but decided that because my legs are pretty smooth after shaving on Monday I would give it a go - it took me nearly 45 minutes to do one leg and I had to empty the housing a couple of times. It stings but is childs play compared to to the laser. I also look like have broken out into spots - the first few passes are the worst and then as there is less and less hair it gets easier and easier. I thought my hair was short, but I am going to shave before I do my other leg tomorrow morning. If I can get used to it I intend to do my legs, rear and arms as losing an hour once every couple of weeks is far better than 20-30 minutes every other day for the imperfect and short lasting effects of shaving. I have moisturised and am waiting to see if my leg feels smoother once the pores settle down. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud - recently I have started to feel comfortable with my transgender self - comfortable with the idea that I actually want to try hormones to see how they make me feel and comfortable with the idea that it could mean a great deal of change in my life, but if I can cope with it then I should be a far more contented person even if it is going to be long and messy and not just quietly done over a few years. Yet I have not done anything, my ex and mum have not been told, when I talk to anyone even those who know I use my male name because if I asked them to use Dee then the kids would suss something is wrong. I donated to someone who is doing a charity event and I felt bad signing my male name even though I had to - if the donation was public folks would have asked. I also wrote an article for a news magazine and used my male name but I find myself hesitating about it now. Yet when I was writing my most recent blog I was thinking about growing up - I always saw myself as a male, I thought of myself in a binary male gender way all throughout my childhood. It is hard to think of myself as a woman without being dressed as Dee - sometimes it happens when I am chatting online, but usually the clothes help me feel more like me. Yet I know that being Transgender is not about the clothes I wear, or growing my nails long (which I am delighted with although one had to be trimmed and ruined the effect yesterday ) or even being able to pass as female. I know that the more I do to remove my body hair the happier it makes me feel - I know that I am back eating healthily and increasing my exercise to lose weight and become fit enough for a challenge next year and yet in my head I am wondering if I will be running in leggings and a womans top or shorts and a mans top - even though I am too scared to leave the house in my pink and grey trainers to go for a run. I struggle to not eat the chocolate in the house at nights - during the day being good is easy but as the evening goes on the more I am drawn to the chocolates left over from Easter. I just feel like I am putting it all on at the moment, like nothing in my head feels different - like I can change all the superficial things I want and yet I will still be the brother/father in my family. That was how I grew up and how I saw myself. I know it does not feel like acting being Dee, and I am using my female ID now for some streams I watch and chat in - I definitely prefer being my female avatar over my male and if I could change overnight without it being a big deal I would - yet am constantly called dude in real life and it is hard to feel feminine, does that make sense? I am still so new to the idea of being a transwoman, I just do not know if it is all par for the course or if I am just kidding myself in order to fit in with some really nice people.

They are a lot of fun Jess! Just one of those things that you do not think much about because you only need to remember the dances once or twice a year. Wearing flats would be the sensible option, as some of the students are in the clips above, but ceilidhs are also a chance to get dressed up too! It just struck me as funny that I will have to learn to be led (the male partner usually leads the dance) and how to spin in heels without falling over, something else to practice when I do not have the kids! Of course that all assumes that I will be invited to dances but Hogmanay will happen regardless of where/who I am. Strange to be thinking about it like that though too

I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me. If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again! Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have learnt all these as a man, and will have to learn them all again from the other side! Ceilidh dancing is amazing fun and actually knowing the dance is secondary to joining in. I really panicked when I remembered that I will also have to re-learn a strip the willow, not to so much the dance as they male and female parts are not really different, but doing one in heels OMG! 😳😳 I have to learn to dance in heels, there is so much spinning!!!! 🤢😳 💃 At a certain point you can kick off your shoes and just dance in stockinged feet, but ettiquette dictates not at the beginning of the evening. It will be nice not having to cross the hall to go and ask for the pleasure of a dance though, I always hated that trial of fire! Here are a couple of links for folk who do not know what I am talking about. If you ever get the chance - do it!

"100% not presenting male has begun today. (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!)." whoop whoop! Congratulations on being fully you 24/7 xx 🎉

My children and my family are those I am most worried about, I cannot tell my children until my divorce is finalised but I am almost there with my family now, I have always had a good relationship with my sisters so I am so thankful that it will continue regardless - my work will not be told until much further down the line and it will be the same for the majority of my friends, because going out publicly will probably go hand in hand with a work relocation to a more accepting area. I know that 99% of my friends will be absolutely fine, a few of the guys may find it a bit weird but overall I know some great people. This was a major worry for me and to not have it any more nearly made me well up with gratitude. (I just struggle to well up at the moment)

This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender. Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being sucked under by a current out of my control. There is a set of "would you rather" questions I have seen trans Youtubers ask when talking about being trans and one of them is; if you were stranded on an Island for the rest of your life with no chance of rescue and there were male and female clothes in front of you which would you choose to wear - even though no one will see how will you present? for me the obvious and practical answer is both - over time you would wear all the clothes depending on what wore out, how cold it got and what you were doing...my brain is a weird and wonderful place and with both children being classified with ASD I do wonder if I am undiagnosed sometimes. But I have recently lived through that same question in a different context. My kids have gone away for the week with their mum and I have dressed a couple of times while relaxing around the house. I woke up the other day and looked at the two piles of clothes at the end of my bed - one male and one female, and I asked myself who would I rather be? I am not going anywhere, no one will see me - if I am 100% honest which clothes would I rather get up on put on? Do I want to be male or female? I chose the female leggings and tee. It was an important moment for me though. I realised that when all is said and done, this is how I see myself. This is not a sexy outfit, but a comfortable one. This is not an overly effeminate dress to go with heels for some imaginary night out where I am a perfect vision of my female self. This is just me, being me on an average day, and given the absolute freedom to choose I would wear these types of clothes in a heartbeat because they match how I feel. So with all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received I effectively woke up finally accepting on an emotional level something that I have intellectually known for a few months, I am transgender - being afraid of accepting it has crippled me, I don't want to be transgender - life is easier as a cis male. Why not just ignore it and hope it goes away? My life does not have to change, but in order to stay that way I will have to acknowledge that I am lying to myself about who I am, and I will have to accept that I will never wake up and choose those female clothes. As a parent and as a person how can I tell others that they are okay and accepted for who they are if i could not do the same for myself? I have to say that I still do not know how far I will take things, I have mentally blocked the bigger idea of transitioning from male to female in order to concentrate on the smaller focus of spring cleaning my life out - removing those masks and getting rid of the parts I really do not need or want in my life any more. As others have said - becoming a more authentic and hopefully more content me. I had the opportunity to meet up with my younger sisters, who do not know (I am the middle child of 4 sisters and have told the eldest two, but no one else in the family we are a close knit family as there is only 2 years between each sibling and the youngest two are twins) - their partners are very nice but manly men - a professional cyclist and an engineer with a black belt in aikido (could be another martial art but you get the idea) - the twins were an unknown because as adults we are not as close as we used to be although we still keep in touch. We took a walk up a big hill - walking is a common thread in our family, one my older sisters came along and passed a comment about how my face was looking a lot better today (thanks sis!) which made one of the twins ask why, what had happened to my face? so I pretty much had to tell her once the kids were out of earshot, there was going to be no chickening out. Both were surprised but after all of the build up in my head and fears it turned out to be a total non event. The youngest said that as far as she was concerned she wants me to know that she loves me and always will and that she is always available if I need her. We only have one life to live and if being female makes me happy then go for it. The other sister said that she couldnt even begin to understand going through that kind of crisis of identity but to know that she loves me even if we are crap at keeping in touch and that I am not alone, I can always phone her or drop by and not to worry about being DeeDee or male me. Later once the kids had gone to bed my sisters cracked open a bottle of wine and the youngest asked a few more questions - she is very like my Canadian friend in personality, so she asked when this all started and pointed out that the marriage exploding was very close to the fancy dress party, so I brought up the other things like stealing their clothes since I was 8 and started to talk about playing with their friends when we were younger and being more comfortable in womens company than mens and she pointed out that I grew up with sisters. I agreed - a lot of what other people use as atypical activity - playing with dolls, dressing up and playing imaginary games, coreographing dancing, playing cartwheel and handstands, jumping rope, hop scotch were all just normal for me growing up even though I accepted I was a boy. I pointed out though that other men are brought u in all female households and do not question their gender - as far being trans goes if you sit and question it then you probably are because "normal" people (this is just phrasing and not meant to offend) just don't question the gender they are assigned at birth because they are comfortable in their skin. I have felt emotionally and socially inadequate and not quite right my entire adult life and so I need to take this seriously and explore it so I do not turn into our mum or try to commit suicide because the statistics are genuinely terrifying. I should point out that none of the above was confrontational, my baby twin sisters are not identical and the eldest, me and the youngest all look alike, I said that accepting me as I was sat dressed as I am is one thing, but if I rocked up in a skirt and wig it would be a different thing altogether, so I pulled up a photo of me in my blond wig and showed them. My sister then said that I looked more like her twin than her twin does lol, so she took my glasses and took a photo of herself (she has straight blond hair) other than the eyebrows and the fact that I am bigger in the face we really do look almost identical - they both found it funny and I was told that I better go to them for fashion advice, it prompted a discussion about dressing inappropriately for the environment and making yourself stand out even more. I said that I will probably just change slightly to begin with, my sister suggested small earrings and I know that now they have seen me as Dee that initial shock will not be a big deal when the time comes. We talked about me moving away from where I am so I can be somewhere more accepting, my baby sister does not want me getting beaten up! (she would easily beat up anyone that started on me on a night out - she has training) and even though I could not stay late I am so grateful for my sisters. They told me not to worry about their respective partners as both are laid back, and both have reinforced the fact that if I need them they are here for me - regardless of geographical location. Our family has gone through a lot - they were not expecting to hear that their brother has daydreamed about being their sister when I arrived, but they know that this is not a knee jerk reaction, that I am taking it seriously and not rushing and they have offered to support me. Another massive weight and worry lifted off my shoulders! I only have my mum left to tell who is going to be very difficult as she has created a big thing around me being the only boy of the family, our relationship is close and has been since my dad died when I was a teen, but that is also a big part of the reason why I was trying to be the man he was in my eyes and failed miserably. If my mum accepts me then I will be able to face anything else, if she does not then it will be very hard for a while, but at least all of my sisters will stand up for me. I am sitting in a very good place today emotionally and just wanted to share.

I may have to print this out Jess and start using it as a focal point x I definitely need to learn to love my reflection and unearth the buried parts of me...Thank you x Monica - if you were in the same room you would give you such a hug right now! 🤭🤗 thank you too x

Aw - go on, pretty please! Seriously though, thanks for taking the time to comment on my rambling - I am trying to be honest with myself, but find that emotionally I flip flop all over the place and that makes it really hard to come to a level of calm where I can visualise walking into the clinic and express, "this is how I feel and this is what I would like to do about it at the moment.". I don't know how I feel other than confused and frightened, which is not a good way to be, and I don't know what I need to do about it all!

Thanks Jess and Christa, the NHS is slightly different - if I had had the courage to continue the phonecall when I was still unsure I would be closer to speaking with someone - they will put me in touch with a therapist and it will not cost me anything because I have been paying for it my entire working life, the private counselling sessions I stopped because at the time I was starting to accept being transgender and would rather pay for hair removal which I have started. Some of that will be covered by the NHS too, but from what I have read usually not enough. I think this is important for me to learn - not to try and envision a finished womanly version of me - but just a me free of all the parts of me I don't want - I just fluctuate so much between acceptance and sheer fear of abandoning my male life. It's really all I've known. It's like - I am happy and excited for you all as I see you take steps and get closer to who you are and yet at the same time I am too afraid to acknowledge that I am trying to do a similar thing?

My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumstances). The frustration comes with the delay in the divorce, I thought it would be coming through in the next couple of weeks, but now the courts want more money from her to finalise the agreement so it will be another 3-6 weeks depending on when she has the money to get it done. This is a very busy time for me and I was really hoping to get one thing ticked off my stress list. The sooner the divorce is finalised the more content I will be that if she discovers I am trans before I want it out in the world then she will not be able to alter the childcare arrangements without getting the courts involved. The other frustration is aimed squarely at myself. If I had called the gender clinic when I first started questioning I would only have a month or two to wait for an appointment, but instead I have to wait until October. I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general. Some aspects and connections I am making in my work as male me at the moment are going very well and they would all need to change significantly. Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me. I keep finding myself wanting to tell people on some days and then worrying that the more people I tell the more pressure there will be to actually transition. May will soon be here and with it the pride weekend I have promised my niece we would go to - yet I have still only been out once, am I ready to turn up for a full weekend as Dee? Do I really want to do it with my niece, who is young enough to accept it without worrying but has enough of her own issues and insecurities? I keep sabotaging myself, I am not exercising and somehow keep buying bars of chocolate even when I know I need to lose weight and will not be able to fit into the clothes I own soon if I keep it up. I have increased my veg intake substantially but my eating habit is terrible at the moment, especially in the evenings. Do I feel like this because I do not think I will make a "good woman"? - which I think means shaking off the perception of just being a man acting like a woman, or do I feel this way because a part of me knows I should not transition and have just been enjoying an extended "wouldn't it be nice if I could start again" escape scenario since last October. Or do I feel this way because of the magnitude of actually being openly female in front of people whose opinions I care about scares the crap out of me? Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level? It seems to be fine for everyone else, just not for me at the moment. Am I just looking for excuses to continue being "cis'' and forget all this? I have spent my life trying to blend in to the background, to not be noticed or stand out except when I have to, and this is something that will 100% prevent me from doing that. It is hard to tell which side I am making the excuses for. I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel. I do not even know if that is the right way to express my feelings but if becoming Dee is so right why is it such a struggle?

Hi Jess, thank you for sharing ❤️❤️💓 - it is wonderful that you had such a great result with "the talk", your son loves you unconditionally, yay! X

How? I feel like I am trying to force myself to be feminine instead of just letting it happen. Yet at the same time I feel like I am trying to force myself to be masculine and that it doesn't come naturally... 🤔