ScottishDeeDee

I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words... I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP. Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer a 12 minute quiz - most of the questions were dead easy for me to answer because I have literally lived a lot of the situations and know how I respond to them. The quiz does not "do" much but is designed to help you understand why you behave in a certain way when faced with certain situations, and why you possibly get on with or clash with others - the times I have taken it have all been in work place training seminars designed to improve team effectiveness. (I know the P as perception rather than prospecting - but it is the same letter) Thank you for completing our personality test! Here is a copy of your results: Personality type: “The Mediator” (INFP-T) Individual traits: Introverted – 89%, Intuitive – 63%, Feeling – 99%, Prospecting – 79%, Turbulent – 51% Role: Diplomat Strategy: Constant Improvement Here is the wiki explanation of me I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).[5] N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.[6] F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change. All in all I am not surprised, it does not change the fact that I work in a position that forces me into an extroverted role in a lot of my dealings with others - but that is why the people parts mean so much to me - and also why I can spew forth so much in my blog because the thoughts and feelings are constantly swirling away! Even when I spend days hiding in my house without feeling a need to speak to someone and then get exhausted by the interaction when I do. As someone who is trying to know who I am it is somewhat reassuring to know that this has not changed, and perhaps it offers some insight as to why I agonise so much over everything - even to the point of trying to write in a way that eliminates the need for gendered pronouns (in case I accidentally offend someone or they read too much in to my choice whether habit or deliberate - can I refer to myself as herself when I haven't taken any steps to actually back that up and would technically be a himself even though I do not really want to be most of the time or themselves which makes me separate out male-me and Dee which is an impossible task? You get the drift...) Do you know what your personality type is I wonder and does it seem to match up with your own thoughts?

Yay! 🤸‍♀️who wears short shorts?

Tilly, it is hard to admit that two people can change. You are literally becoming a new person and while the things that make you special are all still there, every time you make a choice about whether to take another step your partner also has to make the choice to take that step with you as well. I do understand the worry about hurting your daughter, Ultimately though that will be between you and her - my greatest fear is losing contact with my children if I press onwards - but I also know that they would probably adjust soon enough over time, it would just be weird for them at the moment. x

I did not know that Monica, here we have rental services for weddings that do things like kilts and dresses but I never knew there were services for everyday wear too. That could be handy for learning what works for me fashion-wise - though I have no doubts my sisters will be honest if they do not like what I am wearing when it comes to that!

hahaha, love it. Jess I have to say that my nails are bottom of the list, they tend to grow well and quite fast but strengthening them would be a good idea too so let us know if the Sally Hansen stuff works, but I have actually booked a consultation for hair removal next Saturday - they will talk me through my options and the cost - they have a YAG laser? I'll have the kids so I hope my sisters are floating about for babysitting duties - otherwise if they have to come with me that could be an interesting discussion! I think a Zen garden might be a good idea too Christy - I'd love something like that but need to put the effort in first!

Aw Christy Thank you so much. 😙 Being passable was not the aim last night, being free was, which is why I hadn't bothered with foundation - I was just practising, though if I can one day get to a point where I could pass without all the makeup I would be delighted! but I will definitely take the compliment! 😊😊😊 Loved your PI story - I've always enjoyed mystery novels and thrillers, did you ever find the pencil thief? I had a very relaxed evening and even managed to get back to sleep after waking up early today so I am still in my girly pj's only just sat with my morning coffee and genuinely beaming. I had to give myself a mental note to remove the nail varnish before I go out though (and some eyeliner I seemed to have missed last night that stuff is tough to get on well and tougher to take off properly it is so close to the lashes) - blue is not a subtle or manly colour for nails! I know that Amazon UK has recently started a wardrobe type service like that and my ex used to use a catalogue that did something similar - try before you buy, if you know your measurements then go for it. I am fortunate that other than my shoulders a lot of my features are smaller and more feminine anyway - my hands and feet are small for a mans and my jaw is not different from my sisters. I always suited feminine jewellery more than the chunkier male jewellery which was why I just didn't wear any. Anyway thank you girls for making me smile.

I am glad thank you for your kindness! I was just being honest with myself and it brought back a memory so I thought I would share. We have recently had temps of 18.c (64.5 f?) - highest for February in centuries but of course global warming is a myth so its just a fluke we should be grateful for. I know I can wear ladies jeans and look okay, but while they are cut differently they are still jeans and I have worn them for years, what I look forward to is getting some new tops to go with them. I always admired girls that could pull off wearing daisy dukes at the seaside in more ways than one - but the only time I have seen any of my female friends wear shorts is to play sports, and even then most of them prefer leggings and a loose top. I will wish you good luck on your spring mission - do not be too self critical - going shopping in that frame of mind stops you from ever finding something you like, but if you do find some please let us in on the secret! 💛

When I was 15 or so my friend and I discovered the self printing business card machine in the local shopping centre. We were always on the lookout for a cheap way to spend the most time when we were out so we promptly hatched a plan that seemed hilarious to us at the time. We printed out 250 business cards that said (something along the lines of) "Stop. We are the fashion police. You are under arrest for crimes against fashion." And for the afternoon we became the fashion police, bold as brass running up and handing them out to people in the street or slipping them in their bags or on their dinner trays at the food courts as we passed. We got a few chuckles and were called cheeky gits but for some reason no one really took offence - probably because we were just two young lads with very little fashion sense ourselves and we had/have great smiles. It could also be because people recognised that we were not out doing drugs or mugging anyone but simply having some harmless fun. I say this because today I would have arrested myself 😂 my male wardrobe is bland at best - but it is designed to be, baggy and boring. However once I dropped my son off at his mums after school I came home and decided to practice putting on some makeup - I am not good enough to do strong colours yet so the smoky look I was going for just highlights the fact I had less than 3 hrs sleep last night. Fashion-wise I tried to wear a pair of blue denim shorts over a pair of tights - the shorts were from my sisters hand me down pile she gave me to try out when I told her I was questioning my gender and they are fairly long - I have seen denim shorts over tights and while usually it is a look common among the younger generation, like printed leggings, I have seen a few women my age do something similar in spring. I tried them on tonight with a top and decided I look like a train wreck (that's the polite phrase - a completely different word came to my mind). After painting my nails a dark but different shade I decided that while the top half was okay if a bit amateur hour - I simply do not have the figure to pull off wearing the shorts. So after trying it out in less than five minutes I went back and changed - a red skirt I love and bought from a charity shop when I was feeling brave, but I put it on with the same top and a changed from simple lip gloss to a light pink lipstick and the combination works so much better in my opinion. Now I know I like skirts and dresses over jeans - I find them more feminine and they make me feel more feminine too, being a UK 16-18 puts me firmly in the average size bracket of most of my female friends but having seen them on I would not be caught dead wearing those shorts outside. They may be going in the charity bin... I am also torn because I seem to have a small natural cleavage when I put a bra on - it is a sign of the weight that I put on at Christmas and have not yet shifted - my tummy definitely needs to go but I will be quite sad to lose my mini bust. If I want to survive a weekend out as Dee some time I am going to have to get more clothes as women do not wear the same clothes for days like men do. I am wearing my long hair tonight because it makes me feel more womanly and it also saves my nice blond hair for wearing out. I need to do more spying to see what passes for fem casual, below is what I consider to be the new and slightly improved casual look - suitable for blogging, snacking and reading my gender book.. which are my plans for what is left of this evening. Tomorrow I first have to go and get my car headlight fixed so I can then drive at night without being stopped. Just the thought of lifting a car bonnet makes me anxious let alone asking for the right bulb! On top of that I found out that I need to replace my 2 front tires so will have to book it into a garage too - not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.

I cannot comment on the in and outs of this because my marriage ended already, but I know that even though I am not with her I am genuinely happy that my ex is happier with her new partner now and that our relationship is amicable. Being able to talk things through and trying to see things from your spouses perspective are so important in a solid relationship, I just want to let you know that I'm rooting for you both and that I truly hope that you are able to stay with the people that you love.

Well this morning has been an interesting one, I've been realising that a few of my feelings have shifted... Since the end of last October I have been using female deodorant exclusively, I prefer the smell and found that the "sure" brand were neutral enough for everyday use without being overtly feminine. I ran out this week and hadn't bought more as the kids have been with me when I have gone shopping, so used my male deodorant for the first time in months this morning and realised that I do not like it at all. I don't smell right. When I came back to my house I actually put some perfume on just to cover the scent. I also watched a Pixar short called Purl - it is obviously about sexism and chauvinism in the workplace, but when Purl observes the others and then moulds herself to fit in - it managed to capture exactly how I feel around male dominated groups. I'd recommend it, though it does have an adult joke in it so it is not aimed at young kids.

Wow! That is amazing news! yay!!!!

Thanks Jess, unfortunately with hospital appointments here you take what you are given and if a cancellation does come up they will give you a phone if you were next in the list. It was a pleasant phone call though so I know my name will have a good feeling associated with it. I am not in a hurry - it took me 40 years to stop and realise something was wrong, there's no need to rush now, I just have to make sure I do everything right and for the right reasons. I have plenty to be getting on with though, I have a pride event in May to look forward to going to with my niece and I want to start on hair removal asap which will involve lots of trips up and down the road, and I want to go to my supportive friends and let them meet Dee as well as telling my younger sisters and mum - so you are right - the summer will soon pass!

Thank you Emma, 🤗 the time is obviously just right now, the massive knot I have had in my shoulder blades for the last month has all but disappeared, and the fears seem a bit more manageable. Free healthcare for all was a wonderful idea that is being ruined by greedy politicians. The NHS is notoriously understaffed and underpaid, so waiting lists are common, the benefit is that I know I will be able to tap into professionals and any medical care without having to save up for it (though I am currently intending on using the money I was spending on counselling to start hair removal) Someone once talked about a service triangle and it is very true - something can either be done cheaply, done quickly, or done well - but you can only ever get two out of three at most otherwise the time, cost or quality need to change. 💛

So today I took another small step forwards. I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me. I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year. What a total difference to the last time I tried to call! Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending. Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege. Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself. I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support. This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file. I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up. I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting. It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case. The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make. For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day! My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖 XX

Absolutely, I wouldn't have trusted this list if I had tried to make it when I first started questioning because I would have tied myself up in knots wondering if I was making connections that weren't there. From where I am now though I know it is reassuring to know that my feelings have been recurring on and off with varying intensity for years and it definitely quiets some of my inner critic's voice. It may also help when I come to talk to my mum which I hope to do later this year. It is almost but not quite exciting... 💛

Thanks Christy, it wasn't graphic but I have tried to edit it to be more vague and people friendly, if needed it can be removed or edited. I find my male urges more annoying and inappropriate than anything else, and would happily not have to worry about it. 🤭 I never realised when I started that my list would be quite this long without trying! I kind of thought this had all come about out of the blue. Dee’s "List" pre school Used to fixate on women's tights and would grab and run my hands on them (one of my mums favourite embarrassing stories about me) Primary/Infant school Would play dress up with my sisters and perform songs and plays we made up Would play with their dolls and often joined the girls in their games - homemaking, handstands, cartwheels, roller skates, hopscotch (and my sisters when at home) Would share bed with big sister when she had nightmares Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues Loved brushing and braiding my sisters hair Often made fun of for being the “new kid”, so very quiet and socially awkward Often burst out crying - eldest sister was the one who settled all the fights. Started being bullied for not swearing and started paying more attention to fitting in. Academy/High School Did drama at school - wore tights and leotards a few times and found it nervy but exciting, played an ugly stepsister in a drama and appeared in full (ott) makeup in front of the school. Was once complimented by a girl doing my eye makeup who told me the shade really brought out my eyes. Grew my hair down to my shoulders and was often complimented by hairdressers about the fineness of my hair Started being mistaken for a girl when working in local supermarket (I remember a child asking, mummy whats that girl doing? When I was shelf stacking and her mum being mortified when I turned around) Regularly read books “for girls” (Bunty, Nancy Drew but got books from my gran - Mills and Boon, also adult fiction that included adult scenes) Started borrowing sisters clothes to dress up, discovered I liked it for self gratification - skirts, leotards, swimming costumes, lingerie, tights - risk, reward, shame cycle repeated over and over. Would put on makeup and attempt to feminise myself - often posing in front of the mirror. Once or twice went outside at night in the dark wearing my sisters clothes Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues The internet became faster and popular - I used to research different types of porn late at night to be able to blend with my bragging male classmates. Socially awkward, bullied and called “gay” frequently, but made some good female friends and a few male friends Would cry sometimes because I worried I would not find someone to love me Dreamed of having a family - 20s Predominantly female friends - enjoy going out dancing and karaoke over pub crawls/soccer pubs Female friends often became friends to get to my male friends and vice versa - I was usually the non threatening, non sought after go between. Would go clothes shopping with female friends and give them outfit advice. Was once asked by a friend to help her find her something for her boyfriend out of an Ann Summers shop. Played as female characters when in solo computer games, but male online. Have always worked in predominantly female areas (social and care work) and felt comfortable. Still researching online sites to blend in with the vulgar male pub talk, Internet now useable with broadband and video. (Looking back I think my choices were geared towards the idea of becoming or being treated as a girl and wearing frilly dresses, not the other aspects.) I've always preferred giving pleasure to receiving it and enjoy seeing my partner enjoy themselves. I would buy female clothes and be the woman in my fantasy then purge in disgust Planned and bought clothes to dress as Velma from Scooby Doo one halloween and was equal parts relieved and gutted when the party was called off. Once I was in a friends shower washing off stage makeup from a Harvey Two Face costume I had made and worn during a Halloween party and a female friend came in and used the loo, chatting to me while I was in the shower. She had been drinking, but not enough she didn’t know I was in there and we were not close friends. I got married, had children, wife asked me to have vasectomy and did so without hesitation or worries about losing my manhood. Regularly try to remember and delete "x" after texts when directing them at male and female friends so no one takes them the wrong way. I did a lot of the home making & child rearing because I enjoyed it and while my wife was ill or just not doing it. Found myself joining in even more to “mum” discussions about children/cleaning/dieting etc. Started having funks - low points where work was hard to focus on and I did not have the energy to do anything, still able to keep up with commitments - these can last for months and eventually go away but have never really been dealt with. Early in the marriage we saw a documentary about a crossdresser and his wife and she said if she ever caught me in her clothes she would leave in a heartbeat, I kept my desires and dressing secret except for once or twice asking gentle questions or making semi-serious jokes about roleplaying in the bedroom - her interest in sex (with me anyway) disappeared as soon as the kids were born so nothing ever happened, but meant I continued to pleasure myself when urges became distracting.. - 30s Would sometimes wear wife’s clothes when she was away and self pleasure Would buy sexy female clothes telling myself they were for my wife and then I would play her role in the fantasy (or we would swap roles) then purge in disgust. Would wear wifes clothes for emotional comfort when she was in hospital for extended periods. Would go on works night out with all female friends - wife was jealous I was out and not giving times to come back in but not that I was out with women. Once or twice I wore my wifes clothes when I came home drunk and she was in bed uninterested. I once woke up in her clothes after coming home and passing out with no memory of dressing - thankfully it was still nighttime and she was still in bed. When I had the house to myself I would wear her makeup and perfume while dressed as her. Still secretly playing games as female characters - only now they are much more realistic. Discovered fem stories and that I liked the idea of being “forced” to be female and outed in front of others. During first two break ups I would sometimes paint my nails and spend days “as a woman” in the house, just lounging around. Marriage dissolved, wife left me for the third time and is instantly with another man friend she has known for years and was with last time we separated, I struggle to feel angry but accept that this time no matter what I do or change my marriage is not saveable. One month later I went to a D&D fancy dress party as a woman character and enjoyed being a girl in public. Totally removed all of my body hair and wore a bra and panties even though I didn’t really need to - suddenly realised I do not want to grow my hair back. Started looking up information on transvestism, being gender fluid and finally transgender. Started packing up wifes clothes to send them to her (she'd left all the clothes that did not fit her on either side and I literally could not get to my bed to sleep - after 2-3 weeks I realised if I did not pack them it wasn't getting done) While packing I tried on some outfits and dresses and one of her wigs and surprised myself by looking at a smiling and really contented woman in the mirror. -40’s Started blogging as Sadie and joined a TG Forum site - discovered others had similar thoughts and experiences and they already knew they were transgender and many either had already or are in process of transitioning. Started under dressing to see if I liked it - bras, pants, socks found myself calmer Started wearing clear nail polish and womens deodorant - I cannot bring myself to wear mens aftershave or deodorant anymore. Started buying practical female clothes because I want to wear them discovered my sizes are average. Started working with a trans friendly counsellor online - used male pronouns and dress. Started to use my female characters online as well - instead of having 2 saves. Told older sisters I was questioning my gender and was given some 2nd hand clothes to try on and bought womens lotions and pjs for Christmas - loved them! Started to accept I am not cisgender and therefore must be trans in some way. Changed my name to Dee online, after my sister called me it a few times over chat - love being perceived and treated as a woman in all my onlne interactions Discovered female point of view porn but although the urge is still frequently there - it is harder to do so “as a guy” and am genuinely confused as to what to watch or read. Wore female jeans and jumper in front of sister at Christmas and both of us felt normal. Regularly dress in female clothes, makeup and wig and just do housework, or read and find it relaxes me - starting to feel like when I am in male clothes I am “dressing up”. Found TGguide through Emma and others openly sharing their experiences without the pressure of "You should transition", was finally able to take a breath now the expectation was not there. Asked Counsellor to use female pronouns and call me Dee so I can see what it is like in real life. Daydreaming about being Dee publicly and at work Dressed as Dee for my counselling session Dressed as Dee and went for a drive and a forest walk in public and felt content and care free but not aroused in any way. I was nervous but genuinely did not have some of the big feelings I was expecting. And now I am reviewing my list and wondering what I'm going to be talking about with my counsellor at our next session. XX

On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity. It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender. Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". I was surprised about a few things. Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her). Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬 Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female. It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right. I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently). As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about. 🤔🤗👸😯

Hi Tilly, I cannot give you marriage advice because mine collapsed shortly before I started with all my questions and I never plucked up the courage to tell my wife I sometimes wore her clothes, not sure if I ever will really - but anyways - it is too early to worry about work - I was wearing a bra under my clothes last week as I have sometimes discovered I feel better doing so - and was unexpectedly hugged by two women I know, I figured that they could easily have felt the bra under my clothes but decided to claim it was just a sports strapping for a sore shoulder if anyone asked - which they didn't. Don't be overly worried about your work until you need to be, unless you regularly need to change in front of others it should be fine - you have enough on your plate. Be as careful as you need to but do not rush into everything, you and your partner will need time to process and adjust as you go along, but do not jump to any conclusions on her behalf or yours it is unknown territory for both of you. It must be a big weight off you at the same time as adding more uncertainty though. 😌

"These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime." Well done Tilly - That was a brave step, I am so glad that you enjoyed your time out with your friends! 💛

Oh Christy - that is a lot of Yeps! - I couldn't choose to like your post and say thanks, so I just chose thanks so that you know it means more to me than just making me smile (do you ever stop and wonder if those photo shoot pictures still exist in a file somewhere). I hope to build my confidence as I go, I was explaining to my therapist that while part of me wants to just ignore everything and go back to before I started questioning, the other part knows I cannot put the genie back in the bottle and am effectively along for the ride until I get to where I am supposed to be. It may sound selfish but to have people relate similar or almost identical experiences to mine, helps me to know I am in the right place and doing the right thing. If no one could understand what I am going through then I would be hoping to get let down gently by a group of people who couldn't relate and sent on my way. So thanks to everyone who has responded.

Thank you Emma, that is really nice of you to say 🤭 I only have to cover 150 miles but most of it is winding single carriageway and the occasional VERY small village. This was so much scarier than when I've bought nail polish or clothes in a store but I know that in that situation my own paranoia makes me nervous, shopkeepers really do not care one way or another unless you are rude to them. There are a couple of tea rooms closer but they are so small I would feel too conspicuous. Because until 6 months ago I have only ever associated dressing for solo sexual gratification there are a lot of shameful feelings and the things I used to buy and purge I would never have been brave or stupid enough to gift a woman and expect her to wear without being slapped. The party was the first time I had dressed in front of others as a female and was for the completely mundane reason of a fancy dress party. The pleasure I felt being talked to in the D&D game as a woman combined with enjoying wearing the clothes and being completely smooth skinned for the first time since puberty was what really shook me and started me down this path as I needed to find out why my feelings were so intense. It does still mean that I carry the shame of dressing for my entire teen and adult life in secret and meant that when I finally told my older sisters I also apologised for borrowing their clothes (especially when my sister remembered getting totally yelled at for laddering a pair of my mums good tights which she had not touched - and with my revelation I was the likely culprit - I've always loved the look and feel of tights, as a toddler I had a habit of touching them wherever I saw them which my mum had to apologise for frequently, turns out I like them on me too). I am really only just getting to a point where I am not ashamed and embarrassed of wanting to be seen as a woman by others, but honestly it is a constant battle not helped by the fact that it is still effectively a secret, which in my mind makes me "guilty" even if the reasons for not outing myself yet are wise. The first time I dress for myself in front of my friends which I hope will be later this year will be a big test for me and may involve tears - but I am not there yet!

I do hope so, it better be a good cup of coffee! 🤔

Aww! Thank you Jess 🤗 I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes and when I am feeling negative all those fears and worries come bubbling out. I find my thoughts berating me and telling me I am not really trans and that I do not belong here, or that I am just cross dressing to get cheap thrills (which was the case for years until I started thinking about it seriously), but when I share my thoughts or what has been on my mind and someone says they "know the feeling" that inner critic has to be silent. Recently I was commenting on someone else's blog about the hidden statistics of trans people who haven't accessed UK services and they replied, "You asked your counsellor to call you Dee, and it feels right. You will come out soon enough." I do not share her confidence, and initially I was not sure how to take her response but that someone further along their personal journey of discovery than me assumes it is just a question of time is actually kind of nice. For me being outside my house for the first time has been so important and is so much scarier than anything else I have done, it made me vulnerable to others even if I chose a place where that number would be low!

This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently! I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know. Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend. So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do". I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know. I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk. I started plotting. I put my wig and brand new red jacket - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove. I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods. Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain. So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee. It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back. It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try. Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗 XX