ScottishDeeDee

Haha Jess, yes I thought I was past the online test nonsense by now, but I think I was seeking some form of external validation. That is wonderful to hear - believe me, I think I have probably spent 100's of hours trying to find youtubers and bloggers who simply transitioned because they knew it was the right thing to do and not the only thing to do. My gut just needs to get into gear and tell me if Dee is worth the risk. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and have to decide before October which path I want to explore - I can't keep on doing the buying, dressing and purging for excitement knowing that there is more behind it than just being a turn on. So do I choose life as insecure single male me or life as insecure single female me... 🙄👸

I shaved properly (with a razor instead of my electric shaver) for the first time since my laser this morning and because I knew I would have the house to myself i put on my prettiest black dress and a pair of heels I bought ages ago but will never wear out because the heels are far too impractical... I wanted to see if it made me feel girly as I feel like Dee has been very quiet recently, not gone just not as loud or as certain as she has been. After teetering around making myself a late breakfast my intention was to sit and get some work done on my computer but instead I sat watching "Am I trans enough" videos on Youtube. An hour later I had taken the dress off as my libido was kicking in, dressing female has been heavily ingrained with satisfaction that my body responds automatically quite frequently and I end up horny without quite meaning or wanting to. I came back to the laptop and watched a couple of other videos of people and was disheartened again by the narrative of "I've always known" and "it was change or die" that I always seem to find hard because that has not been my personal experience, the Youtuber said that for her she went to a doctor and had done the Cogiati test, ans was told of course you are trans just get on with it. This is 10+ years ago. Out of interest I googled it and took the test, (3 times lol) I think I got the same thing now that I did when I was going through my online test phase late October - each time I fall into category 4 "Probable Transexual". "What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual." (the words above are copied straight from the site and are starting to show their age) Lol - even the online quiz, which by the third time of taking it I must have been deliberately attempting to skew answers while still being honest only uses words like "probable". I know that others have taken this test and that in reality it means diddly squat. My score floated somewhere between 170 and 205, though the site doesnt tell you out of what, last time I used a site that had the gradings and scores etc... The 205 was actually when I took the test the first time today, so in fact I became more masculine in my answers as I attempted to become more feminine lol. Problem is I cannot lie, and some of the questions are hard to answer and I never moved out of the same bracket. It seems that I am destined to not have someone tell me one way or the other - although a few very kind people online have told me that I am a transperson because of the content and thoughts that I have shared and that one day soon I will embrace it and move on. I do not really see any of these online tests as being indicative one way or another. I think that a part of me accepts that I must be trans to even want to be seen and recognised as a woman while a part of me just sees this whole process as one long irrevocable disaster waiting to happen. Every online piece of advice states categorically that you should not transition unless you are sure, but that seems to be a luxury that I am not able to afford. I was asked recently if I have a goal or a plan and I honestly do not. My only goal is to truly know who I am and to accept myself. Inner peace will lead to outer peace, I just want to do that with as little drama as possible. Unfortunately while I appear all calm and casual on the outside, inside my brain and emotions are tumbling around like a washing machine on a spin cycle. On the plus side though I have been able to laugh at myself today instead of just sighing. Which I take to be a good sign. x

Jess it took 6 days for the red raw eczema look to calm down, I can finally shave again and I still have 3 small scabs but my face is effectively back to normal not any noticeable difference yet hair-wise but I was not expecting much from this blast. as it was only going to take the darkest hairs and most of mine are not black. I will be delighted if the recovery time is faster. "What on earth am I doing?" is right though, it has sparked such a depressed panic attack in me about my trans-ness (?) this week I have been in such a funk I came very, very close to throwing all my clothes and makeup out! Monica I think there is a lot of truth in your comment about grooming, I do care very much abut how Dee could be seen. I have aloe gel and have been exfoliating, but will invest in some witch hazel and need to get into a better moisturising routine full stop.

I echo Emma - Tilly you do NOT have to meet with anyone you do not wish to & certainly not to get ganged up on - more than that meeting with you to talk and try to understand where you are and how they can support you is one thing, meeting with the intention to challenge and bully you is quite another. If you feel compelled to meet with everyone out of respect to your parents then you set the boundaries before everyone sits down and if anyone oversteps them or disrespects you, or even talks over you then leave them to tear each other down because nothing about doing that comes from the Bible. 😡

Is there a chance the pastor was just visiting? Your wording of an intervention suggests otherwise, hopefully they were not patronising, there are affirming churches and pastors out there Tilly so even if this pastor struggles to understand you, others won't.

Thanks Emma, It is apparently a reasonably common side effect, I have done some reading (and have since gone back to do some more lol) and it is due to the thermolysis but as a general rule it should improve by the 7-10 day mark, if it is still as raw looking I will speak to someone though - if it does what it is supposed to do it will be worth it. I cannot stand the roughness of my face just now though. At a Christmas dinner last year I was sat next to a lady that had far more of a beard than I, but she was a crofter and an ex policewoman to boot so she very much just does her own thing and doesn't worry about anyone else's opinion. It would be nice if the rest of the world was so full self assurance that whiskers were not such a big deal! enjoy your fashion party.

How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time? Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts. I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it. After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would never know to look at me. It is so untidy and patchy! but more than that my skin is really dry and flaky and part of my top lip scabbed even with using the after care gel 2-3 times a day - my ex who is not the most observant of people actually asked what was up with my neck when she was talking to me today - I told her it happened after trying to use a straight razor I got for Christmas as a present - either shaving wrong or having the blade under water that was too hot & scalding myself. Do I have to worry about looking like this after every visit or will it calm down? At the moment I am struggling to see even a small glimpse of Dee at all in the mirror. I don't look or feel female - and yet I don't feel particularly male either regardless of how I look. What on earth am I doing?

Hi Jess, mine has been an electrologist for 30 plus years and knows her stuff which I was delighted about considering I had one of 3 places to choose from - no BS - she took one look and said I wasn't going to be straightforward lol. She uses an IPL which was what she used the first time at max setting to blast the darkest hairs, which is why it stung so much but she refers to that as pretty much just clearing out the worst of the weeds to see what needs to be done, my next appt is in 3 weeks time to let the growth cycle start up again so she can see what is left, but she is moving on to the NDYAG laser which is more powerful but hits a smaller area to get the other colours, both are thermolysis so effectively use heat to completely destroy the hair permanently and then electrolysis will be left for the stragglers that have little to no pigment. Starting this before I see a gender therapist to see if I am "trans" through the NHS might not make sense to some, but for me I know I cannot stand having to shave all the time so getting a smooth face will be totally worth it regardless. Plus when I do wear makeup just now I hate the pad or wipe being torn apart when I clean my neck after only a few hrs. My sunburn is almost gone, just my neck is still red now, if it gives me a bit more confidence too then it cannot be a bad thing! 💛

Thanks Christa, I'll order it - my sons birthday this month coupled with starting laser has eaten into my funds considerably but I've found it and stuck it on my wishlist for the end of the month. Laser doesn't just hurt the pocket though! ouch! My sister said it looked like I had nappy rash on my face it was so red and that was after an hour of having a cooling gel on it, but apparently in order to be effective (eg permanent) I need the highest strength laser for my black hairs, the new posh laser for the red hairs and then electrolysis for the white hairs - so it will be a long long road... Under my jaw line was the most painful, but I'm guessing that it was due to the nerves near the ear. The test patches did not even come close to the pain of the whole face being done - I may look into numbing creams for next time... I had intended to go visiting but because I looked like I had a nasty skin condition I just went back to my sisters and sat and watched the six nations rugby with my nephew. I left just before halftime to drive home as Scotland were losing badly, which seemed to be a good luck sign as I missed an amazing comeback lol typical. I don't mind veg I'm just so used to having it with meat or carbs...am feeling motivated just now though so intend to crack on this week to start my weight loss by exercise and proper food management again.

Sounds like you are going to give some poor old boy a heart attack if you keep that up! lol I have just finished reading an online article by her called the gender variant phenomenon, and that rang quite a few bells - thank you. 💛 Sorry - crossed wires, my face has not changed at all, all I do is shave and sometimes put on a bit of makeup, but my sister has a friend who transtioned mtf and she commented that her face shape totally changed so folks not recognising you in the street is not a surprise. 🤭 Just being me going out is one of my more common daydreams - I don't tend to remember my night dreams very often, but I know I have them. I do not have major aspirations as Dee, I want to learn to surf, and maybe take up dancing again once I am a bit fitter (I used to sweat terribly when I started last time and take a towel with me), but I do not have dreams of being a catwalk model or female president of some small dictatorship, but just being able to do really boring mundane stuff without anyone pointing me out or talking about it like it is a big deal lol. The problem with salad is that it just is not as appetising in cold weather! I am getting there though - today I feel quite good about myself, I am sat thinking about exercise I enjoy and looking to see what I can do in my area - I've always liked swimming but our local small leisure pool tends to operate odd hours for public swimming. I spent over an hour in the shower yesterday shaving everything but my face and while I am wearing male clothes they are cream and pastel instead of my more usual dark blue or black tees. I am effectively in a good mood and hope that the rest of the day will be good too - even with the imminent pain... x

My sister has said that the face changing is quite noticable, or it was for her friend. So there was not really anything specific that people could look back to, just the kind of Columbo moment where they flash back to the clues lol... Thank you. I naturally sit down 80% of the time anyway, it is usually only when I am out that I try to avoid the stalls because they're usually gross - like is it really that hard to lift the seat or give it a wipe after you've sprayed all over it? yeuch. I will probably not link in to a lot of these tg groups I hear about, the ones close by would be too close for me to dress at hem safely and I think the one in the town where my sisters stay meet is mid-week so I will have the kids and not be able to travel down. I may start looking into it again soon to make sure, how does the whole group thing work? hahaha as for the experiment, yes - I pouted like a child reading it, and I will not do it this weekend - I cannot lose the cost of my appointment which I would for cancelling this close, but more than that I simply do not think that it is the right step for me at the moment. I am still trying to learn about myself and trying to do that without being ashamed of wanting to be Dee or physically excited by looking like her, taking the steps to see what it feels like being Dee out in public - just going to the shops or for that cup of coffee that I am determined to have, each attempt or failed attempt tells me something as I go over it in my head - just ignoring it was what I was doing until last October - I would just throw myself into something else to distract me. 2 years is the longest I have gone without clothes after purging, but the daydreams were still there. I also do not think cutting myself off from these sites would be good either - I am forming friendships and asking questions and finding out all sorts of things that are useful for someone questioning their existence, with the best will in the world I cannot stop my brain from thinking about it all or I would have already lol. So now I've put up all (some of) my excuses - it is interesting that NO! was my first reaction to your experiment x I may try to do it further down the line though - so do not be surprised if I say I'm going off for a while at some point. Thank you. I'll pm about the book, google is not being helpful just going by the title 💛

Thanks Christa, I was hoping you would expand on the bit about people already knowing there is something with your gender that you and your friend were talking about. I appreciate you being so candid and sharing so much of your process with me. It is obviously one of the things I still struggle with a bit, my list helped me to see that I have done many thins to try and be girly as I went from a child into a teen and then adult, but other than occasional wishful thinking about wanting to be a girl I never wished my privates away or got suicidal - something that seems to be prevalent online when you hear about those who have transitioned. I've basically had a pretty good life and always took for granted that I was a boy - like literally until last year - I was just one with a secret fetish about dressing up and pretending to be a girl. Daydreaming about being female with my partner (or sometimes becoming or being made to be female in front of others) daydreaming about having a cleavage, and being included in some of the all girls things my sisters did instead of being left sitting with the guys. Always just daydreams or erotic fantasies, even in my buying and purging the excuse was that it was for my wife and then once I'd worn it a few times it got chucked before anyone found out. I have been skunk drunk and never blurted out anything about wanting to be a woman because I suppose I just wasn't - but while drunk I could enjoy myself more, and sing and dance and hug and be expressive and no one would bat an eyelid (and yes once or twice I was that hysterical crying drunk too that no one likes) but binge drinking is a part of the culture and settles down once kids come along, most of the time I would be playing mother hen to everyone else - holding their hair while they puked and cleaning them and the house up, or making sure they got home safe... Many people have commented about me being a great dad but I have always thought I was a fraud and a crap father - I never do any of the traditional dad stuff (stuff my dad and grandad did) - tinkering in the shed, learning to throw and catch, DIY - I struggle to hang pictures properly - we read and go swimming and I keep trying to get them into D&D, and we bake and sew costumes for their fancy dress days and play computer games and board games, I've taught them how to load and unload the dishwasher and make their packed lunches for school and do their laundry (not that they ever do it but they know what the machine does). All the things that I love about myself are what would stereotypically have been seen as womanly qualities, in today's world though it is just not being a dinosaur. It is my own feelings of inadequacy in my male role that makes me so strongly drawn to the woman in me. I love being called Dee online, I love the people hat I am getting to know and I have found it so helpful to blog my process and actually be able to pour my heart out and in all of that the people I come into contact with have just automatically counted me as female - responded to me as Dee, complimented me as Dee - and none of it feels wrong or weird or strange or false, sometimes I find myself wishing my sisters would call me Dee - but it cannot work while all the kids are still in the dark. When my online counsellor called me Dee it just felt right and natural, it inwardly made me smile a few times and in our last session I was dressed how I wanted complete with wig and had not given it a second thought - my counsellor never commented on it but I read people well enough to spot the pleasant surprise on her face when the call connected. Shouldn't it feel more like acting and pretending if I only saw Dee as a release - when often I feel man-me is the one wewaring the costume for work and socialising... Losing the erotic side did not get rid of the desire to dress, losing the body hair really made me feel good about my body for the first time in a long long time. Going out for a walk, while carrying some of that old "excitement at being spotted" as I was going from man-me to Dee in the car but when I was out I just enjoyed the walk - the first exercise I have done in almost 6 months. I am sitting at home depressed most days - getting away with it because everyone assumes it is because my marriage has ended - and some of it definitely is that, telling yourself you are better off without someone is much easier than believing it, but I have done it before - last time I took up ceroc which was like modern jive dancing, though I stopped going when I got back together with my wife, but some of it is also just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I enjoy being treated like a girl in my interactions - I am looking forward to this weekend because it will be another girly weekend - I wont have the kids, so may even take my Christmas PJ's down to wear while I chat with my sister at night and then I will have my first proper laser treatment to get rid of some of the weeds on Saturday - and in my head I am already wondering how long it will be before I ask her to call me Dee while I am there and if there is a way I can be Dee while I am out in town - I really need to start figuring out if Dee is just a part of man-me that needs some form of creative expression (I've always loved art and am-dram, probably why I like fancy dress so much) and because the rest of my life has so much control, or if man me was created to hide Dee who has just been asleep or hiding most of my life and is just jumping at the opportunity to get out! Once I know I can quieten the doubt, I can make plans and I can move forwards. It is odd that part of me can accept being trans while part of me is still looking for excuses and comparisons not to be - I think in my head if I could start hormones and feel the difference I would know instantly if it is better or worse for me, but that is a long way off. I never said but I have two butterfly tees - one is grey with a pastel pink single butterfly wing and the other is an asymmetrical tee - teal colour with small butterflies diagonally across it and the wings are outlined in small sequins - it looks great with dark jeans. (I love the asymmetrical clothes - I think they suit me and flatter my figure) I also have two little black dresses but I have not worn them as I feel fat and ugly at the moment - I have been putting on weight instead of taking it off - a situation i dislike but in spite of it all I still find myself reaching for the chocolate in the evenings. It's like I am deliberately sabotaging myself because I actually thought I was starting to look good. I found myself rewatching some of Kristins trans life early videos this afternoon instead of doing my work - how do I know which is genuinely me? 💖

Sorry Tilly, separation from a partner is horrible, but it does not mean that you should stay somewhere that is unworkable- we all change and grow during our lives, you have a lot of exciting growing ahead of you too x

I would be curious if you are able/willing to expand about this Christa because so far neither of my sisters and neither of the two sets of couples I told said they had noticed anything about my gender - at all - one of my male friends had to acknowledge my complete un-interest when it came to sports, but they have all always just seen me as a nice, well balanced male. Not even slightly effeminate just not overtly alpha, just quietly confident. I suppose because I have not even met with a gender therapist yet, let alone started with hrt that I am very aware that what people will see is just a man in drag if I did start ewaring my Dee clothes more. Someone who enjoys wearing womens clothes, that is not the impression I want to give, I do enjoy wearing them, but it is more than just fashion, most of the time they do not sit right at the bust area and they may not know me as Dee the same way that folks online do, but I am trying to drop a lot of my masking techniques and be myself a bit more the odd time I do meet up. Due to my marriage and the power balance in it I have not had a physical social life for many years and 2 years ago moved away from where my friends were mostly based for work, isolating myself even more - we all still chat on FB but it is basically big birthdays and weddings etc when we see each other these days. I have nowhere I can go out and just chill out as Dee. I honestly don't even know if I want to, part of me does, but part of me is still saying no - I look at transitioning as a which is better? deal at the moment - I know I am unhappy as I am, I was surprised by the sheer intensity of the joy when people use "her" pronouns to discuss my blog, or compliment the odd picture I share, Monica welcoming me to sisterhood just makes me smile thinking about it. Yet I wonder if it is all just a crutch or a distraction technique to take me away from facing up to my problems - I under dressed for the first time in ages yesterday - I know I was feeling low and wearing my panties and socks while I went about my day just made things a little easier to handle. I do not shave as often as I did when I was questioning, my legs, arms and chest have been relegated to once every week or even fortnight if I am busy or know I will not get much me time because I am too flat to bother now. Am I fighting natural me? or am I fighting to be natural me? I love your passion and positive energy and determination to be Christa and embrace her, it feels to me through your posts like you are introducing her slowly to all the different aspects of your life. You are at peace with what you are doing and why. I do not feel that at all. Sorry, I've gone all rambly again.

I know the feeling - I think that on a night out with my friends everyone I know would just shrug, take it in their stride and then start making plans for Dee, but also, no one would want to be the one to be seen as being phobic. It would be the next few days that would really sort folk out as they sat and talked it out among themselves, I genuinely think me walking in wearing a wig would get a bigger reaction than me walking in wearing a dress. Work-wise I will wait until I am 100% sure I want to transition and well on my way as that is something that cannot be reversed once it is out in the open, and I would talk to my employer before anyone else to get their recommendations as it would also affect the people around me. I'll need to have thicker skin by then, and as my new electrologist said - have my ducks in a row. Your post made me smile Christa - thank you for your enthusiasm - I've never been into bikes or cars, but I can appreciate the beauty in a lot of the older curvier designs and I used to say when I had my midlife crisis I would buy a trike to go cruising. Turns out I'm buying t-shirts with butterfly designs and trying to find a little black dress to look good in - I hope you have a great day! 😙

Thank you ladies, I have just woken up and while I am chasing the kids around to get them organised for school, I just kind of automatically pop on to see what folks have been up to. I thank you Monica but she has known this man for over a decade - she has been on holiday with him and his children and has even met the ex-wife, they were both singers and won their respective competitions at the same time - I had assumed it was a friendship similar to the others she knows who do the circuit too and meets when she's away. My wife has already admitted to starting to date him last time we split (5yrs back now) and effectively admitted that he did something that made her come back to me - while I thought at the time that she truly wanted to make a go of the marriage. Our marriage has been a sham for a while, but while I was trying to build a future and writing off lack of intimate contact to her condition (she has Crohns and has genuinely nearly died with it a couple of times) she was trying to pluck up the courage to leave. Her treatment of me despite me defending her is what has led to just about all of our mutual friends refusing to speak to her but happily talking to me, I just will not listen to her being bad mouthed because she is the mother of my children and I know that while she can be selfish and manipulative she also has a huge heart buried inside and does feel the pain of others. The high of the weekend where I felt feminine and accepted even without wearing the right clothes or makeup was so quickly destroyed last night, and I know it was just a moment of self pity - I truthfully could not invest in another relationship at the moment - not without being 100% genuine about the fact that I am increasingly seeing Dee as who I want to be. Christy (Christa?) I stopped mountain biking and playing ultimate and camping and hill walking and fresh water swimming and all of those other activities that would take me away for hours at a time because I would always get moaned at for being out of touch. My wife hated me going out with my female friends and coming back in drunk, but it was fine for her to do the same I never once texted her asking how long she would be and yet it happened all the time for me - there is a chance for me to start re-finding all of these things I enjoy and add things like spa visits and massages and getting my nails done onto these in the future but for now I am still just trying to reconnect physically with some of friends - I just do not want to tell most of them about Dee until I am more comfortable with the idea of being her in front of others.

I have just been told by my ex partner that she got engaged to her new man last night and my brain is struggling to absorb the information. I was looking after the 3 dogs this weekend with the children to allow her to travel down and hand our divorce papers in and then go for a hospital appointment today that had implications for a possible op so I was trying to help alleviate stress. I knew she would probably meet up with her man but that was not really a big deal, but promising to marry him kinda feels like it is. Apart from the surreal moment that I knew would happen at some point where she tried to reassure me that I would always be dad and he wouldn't try and take that from me she talked about him being okay with us still being friends - which is why she wanted to tell me herself (the translation of this motive though she probably could not admit it was simply that she can tell the kids now without worrying they would blab). After processing for a few minutes while she talked I told her that I hope that they will both find happiness with one another - and I mean that. All I have ever wanted for her was that she was happy. It just worked out that what she wanted in me was a friend and not a life partner. He has his own teenage children and a tentative and usually acrimonious relationship with his ex wife, and at the moment their relationship involves a lot of travel across Scotland. My head hurts - I want to be happy for her but a part of me is thinking WTF! To get to the point of accepting marriage since telling me she wanted to walk away last September means that there is no way in hell that their relationship only just started up again once she had left - that unconfirmed but likely betrayal hurts the most. Now more than ever I feel totally used. I have always struggled with my self esteem and now even though I am bald and covered in hair I am thinking that I could try and make a life for myself as a woman. Who am I kidding? 👴👩‍💼 It's like I am trying to be alone! Sorry - just ignore me I'm just venting, I just wish I hadn't invested so much when we got back together after the second time she left because it would hurt much less now to know that while she has already moved on I'm stuck in a literal no mans land not sure what the hell I'm doing. 😢

Aww, thank you Monica 💖

I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳 I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know). Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and have a really good catch up with my sister - I talk with her regularly on the phone and message quite often via facebook but nothing beats sitting in the same room and just offloading on one another. She has been doing a lot of reading about being transgender and was honest enough to tell me when I mentioned feeling like a failure as a man in just about every area of my life that she never saw me as effeminate or girly - and that simply being raised with girls naturally made me more emotionally aware. She asked if I had read about folk that have detransitioned after deciding they had made a mistake too. I love that my sister can ask this and I know it does not come from anything other than curiosity and a desire to help. I pointed out that having girls around does not necessarily make a guy more emotionally aware, but also the fact that I have learnt to hide a lot of things very early on for instance she never knew when I was borrowing her clothes - a point she had to concede...😊 I was the Sherlock Holmes of clothing - it would be replaced in the same drawer open to the same amount and folded in the same way it had been when I took it - short of taping hairs to the door she would never have known I had been in her room. Nothing was ever out of place unless it had come from the laundry basket. I also said that when I first started looking at gender videos and blogs I did watch a few videos but stopped because the ones I found all seemed to be from people who had transitioned when young and it wasn't so much that they did not feel trans that made them de-transition but that they could no longer take the negatives from being their preferred gender. Though I have been sat wondering W.T.F. I am doing this week. Asking myself if all of this stress is going to be worth it - if becoming female is actually going to make me feel more like the real me or less - especially if I have to teach myself to talk differently and walk differently and wear a wig to disguise my shiny testosterone created dome... am I going to be more me or less me? Being transgender is not THE journey for me - I have told a couple of people that trying to find out who I am now I am on my own again is where this journey started, unpicking why I felt so good being dressed as a woman and actually stopping to ask myself why I have felt the need to dress in womens clothing on and off for my entire life is how I have gotten to this point. I said that the more I share online the more people seem to understand my thoughts and feelings and experiences and be able to draw parallels with their own lives, and while it is great to make connections with people who truly understand putting yourself under a microscope like this I think part of me was hoping that no one would have had the same thoughts or experiences and I could tell myself that I was not transgender and just stay a slightly kinky bloke forever. It was in this frame of mind that I turned up for my consultant's session as the beauty Spa that I had booked myself into to talk about getting my facial and body hair removed. I had to ask directions twice as the spa is attached to a very swanky hotel in the town, but it means that reputation and service are going to be high even if the price is inflated to match their fluffy white towels... I had a brief medical form to fill in and sat waiting for my consultant to arrive, just me - bald guy in a jacket using his male name, the twenty something year old lassie beside me and two older ladies across from me and nobody saying a word or looking at each other - the ladies soon went off to get their nails done and the lassie was then called leaving me on my own. The receptionist bless her did offer me a cup of tea but I have read online that caffeine can somehow make you more sensitive to the pain so I was doing all this without my morning coffee.. The consultant breezed in with her own steaming mug of coffee and I was shown into the room while she moaned about the lack of parking and being blocked fromher space due to a classic car collection parked outside - I made a comment about the men showing off their new toys to one another and she made the usual must be compensating for something joke and then we got down to business. Which areas do you want done? and then why do you want your hair removed - initially I just talked about having experienced being hairless for the first time in my adult life last halloween that I just really was getting fed up of shaving, but in a few more moments she asked again why I wanted all my hair removed and so I said that I had been questioning my gender. Wow - talk about saying the right thing. She had been pleasant before, but oh my word if this did not feel like the big reveal at a game show! Instantly she asked a lot of questions about if I had attended the local clinic or been to my GP because she is on first name terms with the woman there and that she has lots of other girls come in and I literally got about 15 minutes of sage advice about getting all my ducks in a row before coming out - how wearing female clothing can still be done subtly without the need to wear a miniskirt and become a tart (I am paraphrasing) my response was that with the best will int the world I would not suit a miniskirt even if I wanted to! I had to remind her that I have not even had my initial meeting yet, that I was not on hormones and was not even close to claiming sessions on the NHS - but I was there because I have never grown a beard and have always hated my facial hair and the chore of shaving so even if I never went through with transition it is a good investment to never need to shave again. There were other quickfire conversations mostly prefaced with a comment about how she probably shouldn't say anything but I said that other than my two sisters she is the first living person i have told face to face and I always appreciate honesty over back handed compliments. From that point on I became dear and sweetie and while she still f'ed and blinded (heavily swore) her way through our meeting it was like a breath of fresh air - she volunteered to put me in touch with the local support group there and confirmed that in her opinion I am right not to say anything to my ex or my children until I am much further a long and that we will talk about make up and where and how to get my eyebrows done and all sorts of things - before eventually getting back to the sessions. Apparently I will not be straight forward - but in my life that is a constant and so I was not expecting anything less - she went through the two types of laser - IPL and NDYAG and said that IPL was like a weed clearer - it would kill of the darkest hairs but be useless against the red and white hairs that my Scottish caucasian genes have blessed me with. The YAG laser is much more powerful and will kill off a lot more, but is far more focused and covers a smaller area, which means it takes longer and is almost twice as expensive, and then finally all that should be left would be the white hairs for electrolysis. I talked about whether laser was a false economy as I did not want to throw good money after bad for a temporary solution and she assured me that the thermal reaction is permanent, it takes many multiples of sessions because of the growth cycles but she can keep me right and will let me know when the best times are to go in and for which treatment - The lasers have improved since she first started working with them, but if you use it on the wrong pigment type it will not get down far enough to excite the hair root inside the follicle to detonate and then pretty much just becomes a fancy way of waxing as the hair is not destroyed. She said she had started this 30 odd years ago and was trained in Italy as the lasers she uses were not available in the UK at the time - the good news is that the YAG laser seems to be pretty good, the IPL one she knew was pointless on my face but felt that it wold work well on my chest and back hair where my Pili Multigemini is actually a blessing. The test patches were like being flicked with an elastic band in the face repeatedly - unpleasant but not unbearable, and the smell of burning hair I already know from years of throwing hair brush contents onto open fires.. my skin just looks like I have a shaving rash which on a male is not even worth noticing. I am going back for my first hour of treatment next Saturday - it is going to cost me an absolute fortune, but the knowledge and openness and understanding of this woman not only put me totally at ease but I was positively floating when I left. I then proceeded to the hotel bar where I met my other elder sister for coffee and recounted my session, we put the world to rights and then I accompanied her to a different salon in the town where she was getting her shellaq nails removed - it was not an intentional thing but was again another usually all female space that I came into - after an amazing day I have then collected the children and driven home - normally I would blog abut this on my Monday, but I needed to get it down before I forget the feeling. I may have looked and presented male for most of the day, but it actually turned out to be a very affirming Dee day after all!

Christy if you look at the different options you will probably easily spot which one your wife would be if she took the test - even allowing for differences of opinion, eg. We tend to know if we are loud and bouncy or quiet and shy with strangers (random web link to the first google match here: https://www.personalityperfect.com/16-personality-types/) I am curious about the whole academy thing - but that could be because I have just watched the Umbrella academy on Netflix recently and have visions of an Xaviers school for gifted youngsters when I hear the word now...

Hi Monica, I absolutely do absorb the energy of others - it can be both a blessing and curse some days! x

Wow, that's a really bold move Jess! x Good for you.

Sorry Christy/Emma, I do not know anything about the academy - i'm guessing it must be connected to the site Christy used for her test somehow? You can change which answers you get at different times, as we can drift as we become more confident or if we are doing certain tasks, but knowing that as an introvert being with others drains my energy no matter how much I enjoy building relationships - it makes sense when I do not want to leave the house, and then being someone who is intuitive and reactive & struggles to make detailed plans, means if I am working with someone who needs those things then I will have to adapt to prevent clashes. It is extremely useful and I've never seen it get someone "wrong".

Thanks Emma, it was reassuring to know that my core responses have not changed or been made up for others benefit but are actually fairly stable - that I care so much about the opinions of those I value is something I can rely on but have to know will be a double edged sword some times. I can move into different roles because I need to, for example if I am presented with someone more introverted than I am I will take on the role of extrovert in order to make them more comfortable.. Maybe one day I will truly understand myself! x

I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words... I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP. Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer a 12 minute quiz - most of the questions were dead easy for me to answer because I have literally lived a lot of the situations and know how I respond to them. The quiz does not "do" much but is designed to help you understand why you behave in a certain way when faced with certain situations, and why you possibly get on with or clash with others - the times I have taken it have all been in work place training seminars designed to improve team effectiveness. (I know the P as perception rather than prospecting - but it is the same letter) Thank you for completing our personality test! Here is a copy of your results: Personality type: “The Mediator” (INFP-T) Individual traits: Introverted – 89%, Intuitive – 63%, Feeling – 99%, Prospecting – 79%, Turbulent – 51% Role: Diplomat Strategy: Constant Improvement Here is the wiki explanation of me I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).[5] N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.[6] F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change. All in all I am not surprised, it does not change the fact that I work in a position that forces me into an extroverted role in a lot of my dealings with others - but that is why the people parts mean so much to me - and also why I can spew forth so much in my blog because the thoughts and feelings are constantly swirling away! Even when I spend days hiding in my house without feeling a need to speak to someone and then get exhausted by the interaction when I do. As someone who is trying to know who I am it is somewhat reassuring to know that this has not changed, and perhaps it offers some insight as to why I agonise so much over everything - even to the point of trying to write in a way that eliminates the need for gendered pronouns (in case I accidentally offend someone or they read too much in to my choice whether habit or deliberate - can I refer to myself as herself when I haven't taken any steps to actually back that up and would technically be a himself even though I do not really want to be most of the time or themselves which makes me separate out male-me and Dee which is an impossible task? You get the drift...) Do you know what your personality type is I wonder and does it seem to match up with your own thoughts?