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Good luck and let us how your doing? Hugs Veronica n violet

Sweet deal sister, my T was 390 right before i started HRT,, hopeful i have good results next appt ,, hugs

Hi there I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl. The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed. Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself. And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side. Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve. Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks. Bid you goodnight for now. Michele J Heynes

Would like to comment on two articles in the May/June 2016 issue of Lesbian Connection Magazine, on the topic of addictions. Please note ALL the articles on addictions were EXCELLENT, but these two, in particular, resonated with me. "Last Fall I ended my 22-year relationship. We had been in a civil union for the past 15 years, though things had not been very 'civil' for quite some time." "The very short version of the story begins with her back injury several years ago. The resulting chronic pain, and her increasing use of various medications (both legal and not so legal) to treat that pain, has slowly turned her into someone none of our friends, family, neighbors or co-workers can recognize. She looks the same - maybe a little thinner - but her behavior is out of control. Lies upon lies on top of other lies. Then there's the fraud and check forgeries amounting to tens of thousands of dollars stolen from me, my business, our families, friends and neighbors. We all agree that none of us are equipped to give her the help she needs." "Various treatments - including massage, acupuncture, spinal nerve injections, TENS units, and yoga - have been little or no help. Ultimatums have had no effect, and our last resort has been to press charges on the theft, forgery and fraud. That way the court holding a possible felony conviction over her head may force her to get into rehab. The courts in our county are very big on treatment for drug use instead of jail. However, they are also very strict about what happens is a person doesn't follow the conditions the court has assigned. Sounds harsh but we (mostly me) had to do this in order to prevent more damage to a lot of people." "Partners ever again? I doubt it. Friends? Maybe . . . Of all the crap to overcome - the drugs, thefts, fraud, etc. - the toughest one for me to come to terms with is all the lies. Even being friends may be out of the question." - Fran, Worchester, VT Have had a recent brief relationship with a 71 year old woman, 13 years my senior (I am 58). Although I normally took my time in getting to know someone before engaging in romantic involvement (90 days prior to agreeing to be exclusive and sexually involved, one year before moving in together), I allowed the relationship to be rushed because she said she had "terminal lung cancer," which I later found out to be not true. Should have known better as every terminal lung cancer patient I have ever known had an oxygen concentrator in their home and was on oxygen 24/7. Was drawn to her charming personality and talent in art, photography and in playing the keyboard. Later I noticed she was able to RUN up and down the stairwell on a regular basis. There was a reason for this. Turned out she would meet with local drug dealers in the parking lot in the middle of the night and deliver their drugs to tenants in my senior tower (the drug dealers were reluctant to enter the building because of all the security cameras and, because of their youth, they would stand out like a sore thumb). Also learned she had UNTREATED Bipolar Disorder. She refused to treat it because she enjoyed the mania and hypomania, thinking it increased her creativity. Sadly, she could not see the downside far outweighed the upside, and she would engage in dangerous behaviors as a result, least of which was abusing prescription painkillers and street drugs to "level herself out." Not only was she addicted to prescription and street drugs and alcohol, but also to anything that stimulated her brain's endorphins and adrenaline, such as promiscuous sex. What have I learned? So-called "alternative treatments," for Bipolar Disorder, such as dietary changes and herbs, do not work, although they may be helpful as an adjunct to medication; in the future, never negotiate on my boundaries, even if she was truthful about having terminal lung cancer, or any other reason; and to be aware of falling in love with a person's talents rather than with them (I was in love with a fantasy). Luckily, she never stole from me, as being poor as a church mouse protected me. Thankfully, two wonderful friends saw through her and saved my sorry a** before I was too deeply involved. Partners ever again? Definitely not, as the more I learned about her, I uncovered lie after lie. Was amazed on how many people accepted her "friendship," when she constantly badmouthed her friends, who only the day before spent time with her. Her mood swings were totally unpredictable. Friends? Again, absolutely not, as I don't believe in building a friendship or relationship upon a fantasy, like a house of cards. Painfully, I slowly realized I had a lot to offer and I deserve better! In the second article, I would like to comment after you have read it, as I do not want to spoil the surprise! No Turning Back "From the moment I first laid eyes on you I knew we would be together. You had such an alluring way about you. I saw you from a distance interacting with others. You were so popular, the center of attention; it seemed everyone wanted you. There was something so mysterious about you, the way you made everyone feel so special. You were cool, glamorous, elegant, sophisticated and oh so sensual - but there was also something dark and forbidding. I knew in my gut I should stay away." "I was still young and naive. Looking back, I know you really did take advantage of me. Of course, at the time, I didn't care. I was so drawn to you; you took my breath away and seduced me. The first time we were together you were so forceful, so powerful. I literally thought I was going to pass out. And from that moment on there was no turning back. You had your hooks in me." "I was obsessed with you, thought about you constantly. I couldn't wait to be with you. We had such a perfect dance. Even though you were the temptress, I would always make the first move. I would pull you into me. I couldn't wait to pull you into me. I couldn't wait to taste you. I was overcome by your scent. I loved the smell of you. I couldn't wait to feel you inside of me. No matter how much time we spent together, I could never get enough of you. I was always anticipating our next rendezvous. When I was with you I always felt so special; sensual and rebellious." "We began to do everything together. I brought you with me to the clubs, the beach, out to brunch and dinner, to spend time with family and friends. We were together in every room of my house. You even spent time with me at work. We were inseparable. You were truly the center of my universe. We did some crazy things together. And we did nothing in moderation. I spent so much money on you. Over time I realized that I was behaving erratically. I knew I had become irrational, but I was so dependent on you. I would chase after you all hours of the day and night. I covered for you time and time again - although you burned me and ruined my things." "And then you turned on me, as I always knew you would. It was subtle at first. But I began to see that you controlled my every thought. I couldn't make a decision without you. You kept me from pursuing new interests. I lost out on career opportunities. I stopped participating in activities I used to love. I began neglecting myself and those around me. I felt weak and foggy. I felt dirty. I was isolated by you. You were suffocating me. I was aging before my time. How often was I disgusted by you - repulsed by you? How often have I tried to leave?" "And now, after all these years, I have matured enough to recognize that I am using you as a crutch. I know I don't need you. I know I can live without you. And I know that the only way to cleanse myself of you - breathe again and regain my strength and my Self - is to just do it. I will miss you always. But I have come a long way, baby. And when I do finally break free of you, there will be no turning back." "Goodbye forever, Virginia (Slims - Menthol Gold 120's)." - Theresa D., Patchogue, NY As you now know, the article refers to an addiction to cigarettes, yet it describes my co-dependent relationship perfectly. The single word to describe my relationship was not love but "limerance," another name for infatuation. She was "popular" because she was the number one drug dealer in my building, and she had a car. It is amazing how much people who don't drive will tolerate, when you have a car! Over time, it was amazing how many things "pointed in the wrong direction," such as lying, secretiveness, infidelity, mood swings, road rage, manipulation, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, as well as drinking behind my back. What did I learn from this? Do not let your lover separate you from your family and friends. Do not lose yourself in your relationship, as tempting as that may be. Maintain and guard your boundaries. Do not allow your lover to "rush" the relationship, again, as tempting this may be. As my mother used to say, "a great date does not always make a great mate."

​I'm sorry Monica I'm getting tired, but I know about Aspenger's Syndrome my 17 y.o. had been diagnosed with it and after living all these years I can say with much certainty that I don't have it. Now to tell you where I think my depression is rooted I'm going to quote myself; ​ ​

​Oh wow, Veronica, that's it "Simply, your emotionally closed off." The weird thing about that is that; when I was about 5 I wanted to turn my feelings off because I thought that they were too feminine. Then for whatever reason all the other kids at school shunned and ignored me so I began to collapse emotionally and, I guess that I never learned to interrelate socially. Although there are those very rare times that I meet someone that causes me to come out of my comfort zone for a time. BTW I never had to..." playing pond hockey too long and you have to thaw your skates before you can get them off! OWIE! " ​I'm sorry. but as long as I'm trans she will never allow herself to stay with me, (it's her land, I'd leave). she is hard core disciple, (as she prefers) of Christ and very set in her convictions. Only God would be able to convince her otherwise. T_T. I am never going to be able to turn away from this Dysphoria its too hard T_T T_T T_T​

Hiya Ben. Great Photograph Young Man. It Is Great to hear from You again. Ben, Congratulations Young Man, on All the Good Thing's going on in Your Life. Ben, You Can Be Very Proud of Yourself Young Man. I hope to speak with You soon. Ben, Take Care Young Man, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xxxx

Hi all, I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!! Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress! I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-) He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate. xoxo Chrissy

I"m rather relieved, from the title I was expecting something...darker. I'm glad you're okay!

I am always so amazed to hear how some people can be so deceitful and treat others so poorly. And, I can also well imagine how much you would want that relationship to work out. Most of us need a tender connection, a partner. So we keep allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. I think that is in our human nature. But it can sure be painful. I'm sorry to read your post Monica, but I'm glad to hear from you. Emma

Interesting metaphor. I tend to prefer thinking of myself as a butterfly emerging from her chrysalis, free to fly among the flowers.

I've always liked Behind Blue Eyes. I don't have blue eyes either, but replace "blue" with "brown" and the song just seems like it was written just for me and my situation.

Ren you are a beautiful person you might not see it but others do and you will get through this time.You are a beautiful man and its time to let the light of you into the world. Blessed Be and hugs Violet(veronica's wife)

I know just what you mean my doctor was so cool but he did start me off slow also. It's been just about a year now and im very happy with the progress. but now that i got where i wanted to be with my meds and things really started to speed up. and then i messed up my knee real bad and now i having a knee replacement on june 6th. So i had to stop my HRT till an finished get the new knee. you can't take the chance for blood cloths. At least i know will be back on track in a month or two

Yay! Good for you, Chrissy! I'm very happy for you. Emma

Hi Bree, No problem about deleting my reply! And, like you, I love purple. In fact, I'm going to use it myself here and now. I'm glad that you're not contemplating hurting yourself. Please read carefully what Veronica and Monica wrote. They both have a lot of wisdom. BTW, I was not happy to read that people have said you have an "addictive personality." I think that is nonsense. Sure, you might be addicted to something and need to work on that. But having a "type" of personality like that? I hate labels, I really do. Especially when it's from people who likely don't know what they are talking about or what you are experiencing. If you only knew what's been said about me over the years: "You're too sensitive." Okay, well thanks very much. Now, what am I supposed to do with that? Veronica's correct: it's often a defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves by closing ourselves off. And that defense is learned in our amygdala way back when we are small children, and triggers a fight or flight response. If you're like me, it's all flight and withdraw, and then, I turn those feelings on myself. Over and over again. Who wouldn't be depressed in such a situation? It's hard to break those patterns, I'm working on it. But that's especially when we need help from our therapist(s) and hopefully, spouses. With respect to being more open with your wife, I was lucky in that my therapist agreed to seeing the two of us. There were certain conditions in that he didn't want to play favorites or have her feel like he was only there for me. It was fantastic as, gradually, I was able to tell her what was and is going on for me in a much safer environment. It is stressful and emotional, but I really could not do it without his help. So that's an idea. Warm hugs, Emma

Dear Freebree, Am concerned about your inability to connect with people. Is this all people, or just some people? If it is all people, I strongly advise you to learn all you can about Asperger's Syndrome, most of whom have difficulty connecting with people. Many of them can not look people in the eye. About your depression . . . is this transgender related or have this been an issue in all areas of your life? There are forms of depression that is caused by situations (ie, poverty, unemployment, loneliness, etc.) and other forms caused by biochemical imbalances. Generally, I give a therapist six months to help me "get to the bottom" of things, and, if I don't see improvement, go on to another therapist. Hope this helps. Yours truly, Monica

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer. I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease. It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight. I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different. I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does. It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can. I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is.

​Hi Vi, thanks for the compliment. In regards to my sister/friend, I met her back in 2007 on MySpace, we ended up dating on and off until (I think) 2010 when became friends. I came out to her in September of 2015 and she has been extremely supportive with me. I ended up as her brides maid when she married, told her future husband I needed to be her braid's maid. So we were at a party last summer, picture of us was posted on Facebook and several people said we looked like sisters, hence we are now sisters