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Hi there all. How do I start this... I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old. The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?" Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles. And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles. Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore. The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed. This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session. So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed. Yes, having two genders in one body. How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby. This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related. I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy. So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him. Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled??? I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level. Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more. Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions. Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions. I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along. In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry. I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me. And yes, that is what most parents do. Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up. Cheers. Lots of love and kisses Michele

As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me. So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-) I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about. I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least) Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-) That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.

As an English purist I have to lead with this, it's "woo hoo" :-) But FAR more important - CONGRATS!!!!!!!!! I always find it interesting that transmen and transwomen share one huge thing in common, the desire to "correct" our gender (or whatever terminology people choose to use), but literally every detail after that is the exact opposite :-) I've spent the last 10 months taking a prescription to stop my testosterone from happening - if only they could find a way to let us do one-for-one switches!!! I would happily give you every drop of testosterone I have (unless I actually need some amount to stay alive, then I'd hold back a bit)

Hiya Michele. One of My Own Friend's was born inter-sexed. She was brought up as a Male, but, in Adult-hood, has had Surgery, and Lives as She always wanted, and that is as a Female. She was lucky, she was able to choose Her Own Gender. My Friend Is Very Attractive. I meet up with My Friend, and Her Boyfriend, regularly. Michele, You are also Very Beautiful, and Very Pretty. Michele, You are You, and You Deserve to be Happy. Take Good Care of Yourself, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Congratulations Jay.

Now, I suppose the title of this post may sound like I'm having a bad time but no, just the opposite. I came across these book covers recently - aren't they cool? I just love them. They bring up all kinds of thoughts and feelings for me. I'm going to look around eBay and elsewhere and see if I can get my hands on them. (Postscript: It's on Amazon for $2 (Kindle version. Yay!) But really, my life is going pretty well recently. I never thought I'd say this but the SSRI medication that the psychiatrist prescribed actually seems to be working. I was promised that "we have new ones" that would work better with fewer side effects. I wasn't a believer by any stretch having gone through so many trials and errors in the past. I've been on the medication for about four weeks and wow, I can tell that I'm much better than I was. It's a subtle thing - most of the time I don't even think about it, which is good. I don't want to even be aware of it. My wife and I are doing very well together, too. I'm sure we'll still have our ups and downs but maybe with the med I'll not go into a crashing end-it-all depression whenever she makes some comment that I misinterpret or can't deal with. It's seemed that way thus far so my confidence is building. Work. Well, not for much longer! We had a 1/3 of the company layoff two weeks ago and they asked me to stay for another four weeks to transition my responsibilities to others. Why not? An extra four weeks of pay. But really, it kinda sucks given that they don't know who to transition my work to, and the others in the company know I'm Dead Woman Walking. (Well, I guess they'd not refer to me as a woman but hey, it's MY blog!) Lest you be worried about my losing my job, please don't. I will likely just go into full time retirement. Which is kind of scary in that I've spent the last four decades using the busy-ness of work and my rather strong work-ethic (thanks Dad!) to avoid some things and to feel needed. As an old friend once said many years ago, I get a lot of emotional groceries by staying busy. A lot of satisfaction too. But I have some things to look forward to. I recently looked on Amazon for Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way" which I was thinking about re-reading. If you haven't read it and are looking for any kind of inspiration - it's a gem. Really. But you know what? Just one month ago she published a new book: "It's Never Too Late to Begin Again: Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond." How cool is that? I'm hoping off buying it until I'm truly unemployed. I don't want to spoil the treat. I also signed up for a one-day class at Stanford, "Happiness: Gumption, Gratitude, and Grace" which my therapist suggested. Looks like it will be interesting. Who knows what lies there or what will come up? I am looking forward to exploring further. There's more, of course. My wife wants me to build a tiny house for her in our backyard as a kind of retreat space. Not that we have a very large lot... pretty much no one does in the Bay Area. I was initially concerned that she plans on moving into that little house but no, she doesn't. Heck, maybe we can have sleepovers. That'd be fun. So it's all good, my friends. Emma

Just a hair over 2 months now, and i can not be happier as i feel at ease and calm mind, as for physical changes approx 3 weeks in breast buds had appeared along with sore and tenderness now a almost full A cup with tender nipples and some lactation , i have had slowed hair growth of facial hair, and mild size reduction of the testicals etc.. so far everything is peachy just watch out for doors they kinda hurt when you bump them with your chest

Best wishes Chrissy. Go, go, go. XXX

Hiya Chrissy. Your News is Brilliant, Honey. I Am So Pleased for You, and You Must Be So Pleased and Happy. You Can Be Very Proud Of Yourself. Chrissy, You Will Finally Be The Real Woman You Are ! Congratulations Young Lady. You Are A Lucky Girl. Chrissy, Well Done, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Michele, Thank you so much for sharing that - I have to admit that I've never met someone who is intersex - or at least I don't know that I did, so it's an experience/identity that I know very little about. I hope that you'll share more of your experience here. Your experience with your mother definitely resonated with me - I've struggled for awhile over thinking that my parents in so many ways failed me as a child - not in the same way that you experienced, but in terms of a form of neglect, mostly emotional. For so long I was hung up between "my parents screwed up," and the defense that "maybe they did the best they could?" My therapist recently added something incredibly useful to help me move past that dialogue - "I needed more." I found that helped a lot, it helped me move past wondering if they were to blame, or if they were blameless - either way, I needed more. Anyway, again, I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts and experiences! xoxo Chrissy

How do you spell 'woohoo'? is it 'woohoo' or is it 'woo hoo'? One word or two? Who cares! I've just had confirmation that the Dr is going to write me prescriptions for testosterone. Not sure which emoticon to use...

Hiya Jay. Congratulations Young Man. I Am so Pleased and Happy for You. Well Done. Go and have a Cup of Tea or Coffee to Celebrate. ( Or Something stronger if You wish. ). I hope All goes well. By the way, who cares how to spell " Woohoo " !,Just shout it out from the Hill-Top's, instead ! Jay, Good Luck Young Man, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx

Just been thinking on the title of your blog. "On being me". How about "On becoming me" just a thought. Big hugs.

@Monica: I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed The Well of Loneliness. I'm looking forward to reading it myself! @Bree: I'm sorry to hear about your narcolepsy. I can't imagine how tough it must be to have that to deal with, but I'm wishing you the best in finding a medication that helps you with it. Indeed, about retirement and keeping busy: that's a concern of my wife's. I've also heard about this and I promise that I will try. I think a key is to stay engaged with others and feeling some level of productivity, of being challenged, and getting things accomplished. That's relatively easy at a job because we have to, and harder when we're home alone. It takes a level of personal commitment, I think. I'm sure it will take a change in mindset, and I'm a little intimidated! Take care, Emma

Emma: I am really glad to hear that you have found a medicine that works for you. I have a lot of problems finding medicines that work for me too. some time ago I was diagnosed with narcolepsy, but all the stimulants that they tried for me would work for a short few weeks and then loose effectiveness, but a couple of months ago she finally prescribed one that works pretty well. At first it caused my mind and body to go super fast. I would just keep busy, busy,busy and wouldn't stop to eat or drink. Finally it leveled out and I'm on a ,somewhat, normal schedule. A lot of medicines don't work the same way for me as for others. Now they just recently started using some sort of genetic coding to help them find medicines that work better with my body. I hope it goes well. Also I hope that your retirement goes well. Just be sure to keep busy. I heard that some people that retire go down hill fast. Bree

Just finished reading The Well of Loneliness, and I would like to report that the book could have been written yesterday. It describes the Lesbian community of the 1920's and today to a 'T.'

I want a tiny house for my yard too, would make a great 'hotel' room for guests and/or changing house for the pool when we have a large cookout. But so many other things around here need done it's unlikely. Send me pictures if you build one! I love them.

Leo, you are a handsome young man. I would have loved to have had a son like you!

Behind Blue Eyes Pete Townshend, The Who, 1971, from the album “Who’s Next” No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool And if I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat And if I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No, I don’t have blue eyes although I wish I did. “Blue eyes” came up recently when my wife and I met with our therapist. I said to her that I’m normal, like anyone who is left-handed or has blue eyes. Sure, part of a smaller segment of the population but normal nonetheless. Our therapist then said that although she loves me deeply that she might not be physically attracted to someone with blue eyes. Later, privately, she told me that she’s fearful that indeed, blue eyes may be a turn-off for her. Worse, she worries that she might find herself drawn to someone who doesn't have blue eyes. I understand what she’s saying. But it does hurt. And worry. I just have to trust that we will work it out. P.S. I don’t mean to brag here but I just have to share… I saw The Who in the summer of 1972 at the San Francisco Civic Auditorium during their Who’s Next tour. My friends and I had fantastic seats about 20 rows back from center stage. The music was so loud that it felt like blood was trickling from my ears but of course it was not. Such fantastic memories of Roger Daltry whipping his mic high into the air only to catch it perfectly in time with the beat from Pete Townshend’s guitar and Keith Moon’s drums. I was 16 and had driven the family station wagon about 50 miles from the South Bay. The previous evening my father asked if I knew how to get there, and of course, I hadn’t thought of that. Together we looked at a map to plot a course. We made it to and from okay but also remember feeling so disoriented and scared trying to find my way back to the 101 freeway after the show.

I've always liked Behind Blue Eyes. I don't have blue eyes either, but replace "blue" with "brown" and the song just seems like it was written just for me and my situation.

Am crazy about The Who, especially Roger Daltry!

Just a hug. Life is messy, and we do the best we can.