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Dear Christy, You are not being selfish. You are being self-caring, and there is a world of difference between the two. Emma and Christy, you can not fix your exes. You can only fix yourselves. Perhaps as you heal, your exes will be inspired to work on themselves. Your friend, Monica

* Just a quick content warning that this post is a candid one about a recent personal funeral experience* Today is a quiet day, I have spent the last hour just sitting and watching some of my favourite female comedians on "Live at the Apollo" as youtube has suggested and auto played one after the other. I did not start out doing that but it was good to laugh. In my work I have to walk a line of professionalism and caring, one you learn how to do and the other you either do or don't. When my ex told me that her granny had died and that her wishes had been for me to speak at the service I did not even consider saying no. I was meant to be starting my holidays and had already had to say no to two other families, but this one has a personal connection. The next day my ex rang me again and told me that they had changed their minds and asked someone else to do it, so when I packed my bags to go and help my mum move, I was expecting to just be another mourner. I was content to believe that I would simply be turning up to pay my respects but when I arrived at my ex mother in laws house as she was taking the kids for a weekend while I attended a friends wedding I noticed my name on the order of service and pointed out that it needed to be changed before they did the big print run. I was assured it was meant to be there as they had decided that they wanted to honour their mums wishes and she had wanted me to be a part of the service. They had already planned the service out, and that was how I found out about my involvement. Not an awkward position to be put in at all... I also had to go through the part of meeting my ex wife's new fiance the night before the service itself while I was helping with last minute prep and knew that even without me there was enough of the usual family dramas going on to make the funeral a possible tinderbox. I made a point of cracking a couple of appropriate light hearted jokes with the new guy to break any tension and reassure my ex that I was not going to do anything (even though she knows that I would never even dream of being the one to cause an issue) The day of the service I waited with the family and had the joy of it being the first time many of them had seen me since we had split up so I had to reassure all of them that I am doing okay while new guy sits literally behind me hugging my ex wife. My ex mother in laws ex was taking a cord at the burial, but did not want to sit with the family (it gets more complicated than that but I wont go into it here - 3 generations of the women in my exes family have married, cheated and then remarried - maybe I should have seen it coming) I am extremely good at self control - I worked on it as a teenager and mastered the art of locking down my feelings and frustrations and just letting them out later, as someone who has spent their life hiding and ignoring any indication of liking or wearing female clothing for the sheer guilt and shame of it I can assure you that the hardest thing to control is blushing, but that is a situation that happens rarely in my life. I did my bit, I had to pause a few times to suck back in the desire to shed tears and when my ex wife sang because she had been asked to I was glad I could sit and close my eyes so that I could keep my emotions under control. After the service I could then go and hug my children who had attended too but had been with the immediate family and were obviously gutted, after some coffee and some food I managed to get my nerves back down and stay in professional mode enough to be polite to those who wanted to speak to me even though I really did not want to be in that room any more. I was a wreck by the time I had completed the 3hr drive home that evening with the kids, those who knew I had been taking part in the service were getting anxious that I had not been in touch, and last night I was so drained that I probably slept soundly for the first time in a long time. Today I am still tired, happy that the wedding provided me with a chance to catch up with so many of my friends and literally give me an excuse to dance all night, though I laughed when I was dancing with my female friend who knows about me exploring being Trans and she "led" the dance, the hand grip is very different. There was one brilliant moment when it was me and 4 woman at the bar and they were all ordering white wine and lemonade and I said that I had better order a beer to at least put on the pretence of being manly, they laughed and made a joke about it, but the truth is while wine may not be my preference simply because of the cost per glass, I would have drank the same as them all night quite happily. So much is about appearances, I may be trying to hide less - I was offering helpful advice when a friend was putting on fake nails getting ready for the wedding, and I now message how i wish without shortening the responses or removing all of the hugs at the end (most of the time) but "beer" was a default response I didn't feel comfortable changing, even though it was my sister that taught me to drink pints in the first place. I also spent some time talking with someone who I have known for years, recently she has been messaging me - a change in her FB habits - to see if I was coming to the wedding and then again afterwards to thank me for the chat and the dances, and again last night to offer a virtual hug after a FB post about the funeral - we are both separated from our exes and both have kids that are on the autistic spectrum and there is nothing overtly romantic or flirty about the messages or her conversation, but it is a change in habit enough to trigger my warning sensors and I do not know if she wants more or not - I was as open as I could be with everyone about the fact that I am having a crisis of identity at the moment and trying to learn who I am, but this is something I do not know what to do about - we did not hug or kiss in person and I danced with literally all my female friends and at least two male friends - I am extremely quick to pick up on other peoples moods, but hopeless when it comes to myself. How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!

Thanks Christa, I don't think I will ever stop wearing jeans and tees, but of course I like skirts and dresses at the moment so it will be my niece keeping me right fashion-wise, if I am brave enough once the kids have been dropped off I will get changed so I can arrive as Dee - even without wig or makeup it would make a big difference to me mentally. I still have to frequently correct myself when I talk about my ex and our divorce should be at the final stages now, it is easier online because I can go back and type it out right, but mentally I am finding it easier and easier to see the separation as the right thing. She is happier with her new man than I have seen her in a long time though and on top of that I am fairly certain that a pair of my younger married friends will be trying to pair me off with one of their single female friends this weekend at a birthday party. I do not see myself as a catch at all, for anybody, and especially while I am investigating how I want to be and how I want the world to see me - male with a feminine side or a female who used to be male. I need to to be sure of before I do anything permanent with friends/work and my own body - apart from hair removal - I am already 10 times happier not having to shave every day. But it is sweet of them to try and pair me off, they will be a couple that I lose if I do come out as we have very different outlooks.Two weekends out in a row though so it's not all bad , then a rest as I start electrolysis and then my big weekend away! Jess - I am functioning a lot better in my life since accepting that I am trans and that my feelings go a lot deeper than simply enjoying wearing tights, but I do find the whole idea of becoming female hard to grasp, not just that it requires a mental shift, but a physical one too and there is only so much science can do. How do I know what is relearning behaviours, what is pretending? and what is just new masking? voices/walking/wigs - they are all sticking points with me even though others seem to have no issues accepting them. Everything online says that it is a long, hard slog to change your gender to the point of legally and physically being at the opposite end of the spectrum to where you start out. Emma - I was brave today and bought a nice cream top, a light, pink rain jacket and a pair of pastel blue pumps as I was also buying clothes for the fancy dress party I am attending in a charity shop close to home (it is a carribean themed murder mystery party and I am playing an ex-womaniser lol) I am a bit worried about dancing because I sweat profusely as a male when I dance, and it is rare to see a woman absolutely wringing with sweat when it isn't the height of summer. When I go away I will try and update my blog if I find myself in the situation of being sat up and alone whether last thing at night or early in the morning, but I do hope to be out or in company most of the time. In my mind after the first couple of nervous fashion "is this ok?" changes.. once we leave the flat I hope to just relax and enjoy the moment. 💖 💃🎶 If I cannot enjoy myself or feel like I am at a fancy dress party the whole time - then I know that transitioning may not be right for me and need to re-think a few of my current conclusions. Thanks everyone for the encouragement though, I remember when this was months away and now it's only a couple of weeks!!! 😳😳😳

Dee, I agree with Christy and Jess: go out for a day or two, be mentally prepared to feel awkward at times but also to bask in the euphoria of presenting authentically. Indeed, finding your comfortable style(s) is an exercise in trial and error but everything in life is. Perhaps in the evenings you can update your blog here so we can follow along!

Yes, Dee, I truly understand the need to be guarded as we grow our transition. Very important, but it is also very liberating when we are able to situate ourselves past that need for confidentiality and hiding, Go slow and thoughtfully, there are many times I've said Oh gosh what am I doing? But now far more often I say why didn't I address this far earlier in my Life?? You'll see, and have fun and appreciate learning more about yourself along the way,😎 .

Emma, it is very likely she is just reaching out to be friends now that our other friends are all couples, no sense putting all of my personal issues out there for someone who may not be looking for it, I have just been rejected and do not need more of that in my life right now until I am more confident in myself.

Yeah, I wondered if she was connected to other people in your life. I understand all too well that you can't share anything about your being trans with her at least for now. That kind of blowback was something I stressed over so much. Even in high school I had a great girlfriend. I kind of broached the subject about wearing girl's clothing; she was up for trying it out but I was just too shy and ashamed about the whole thing, and also terrified that my doing this would get out. So, asking her is all about when you're ready (or already have) come out. Good for you to wait.

haha - nope - thank you ladies but that is not a conversation I am ready for. I have known her for years but we have not been close friends, just. While what I know about her tells me she would be accepting, I do not know if she could keep that information to herself yet. I have a niece, a sister and 2 friends (a cishet couple) who will all be about for the weekend, which is so far consisting of an evening and two full days of being Dee out and about. If I keep my nerve and if it feels right while I am out I will relax and just be me. If I don't or I bottle it part way through I have learnt a lesson about who I am. It's like a real life therapy session

"How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror! " Kind of ties in with the recent topic, "What advice would you give to your younger self?" …….ASK HER!!!! You may (probably) find out you have a real good (genuine) friendship or more ahead of you. If not it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, she could become one of your best advocates. I think my first "full weekend" cemented things for me; it turned into a full 10 days. And, then spending Jess time with other human beings really opened my eyes quickly! Have a good time.😜🙋‍♀️

Dee, I'm so sorry for your loss especially at this time in your life. I'm not at all surprised that you handled all the mix-ups and confusion with grace. About beer vs. white wine: One thing to remember please is that it's perfectly okay to enjoy whatever you do regardless of your gender and presentation. Maybe you like to work on cars or have a hobby that men more typically enjoy. The key words are "more typically" because we all know of cis women who enjoy whatever you might think of. It's not as if we suddenly have to be delighted by quilting or sewing. Sure, having a beer was good for a lighthearted joke but I wish you won't add the stress of deciding what you "should and shouldn't" do (and want to do). "How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!" Consider telling her and finding out! Regardless, I can't wait to read a full report of your weekend. Yes it's both exciting and terrifying. Remember, fear is kind of like a wall, and on the other side of the wall is a kind of freedom. Emma