KarenPayne

In regards to the money spent on the tat, if this makes you happy then it's worth well over the cost for having it done and there is always time to begin to save again as you are still young.

I remember not so long ago taking spironolactone and estradiol where the prescription lasted six month then had to renew the prescriptions. Now after GRS I have a prescription for two years without a need to renew them. With medications mentioned it all changes, no more spironolactone and an ample supply of estradiol. I always try to keep extra on hand in the event of a emergency where pharmacies can not supply me with the medication I require for normal life. Something to think about, in that no matter what the meds are try and at least keep a weeks supply on backup, just in case.

For the second year I have been awarded the MVP (Microsoft Valuable Professional) where out of roughly two million candidates Microsoft picks 3,000 people were I have been honored twice. Last year I was awarded as my old male identity and this year as my current female identity. Each year those who have been awarded MVP go to a summit in Washington State where Microsoft pays for your room and whatever you need for an entire week that takes up at the very least two hotels and utilizes four hotels for conferences. I did not make it last year but will this year. Microsoft only pays full room cost if you share a room but they are allowing me to have my own room with a letter from my doctor indicating I need to dilate each day and that a room mate more likely then not would not be comfortable with this. Rooms are almost 500 USD per night and if not for Microsoft having a medical clause I would have to pay half the bill so I am happy to have to pay anything at all. Kudos to Microsoft. Any ways one of the benefits of being a MVP is all software produced by Microsoft is free to the awardees, that is a gold mine. It's not easy at all to get this award and did work hard between transitioning and doing what was needed to keep the MVP status. A point to be made is when one transitions there is a great deal to juggle besides surgery which is important to keep in mind else one can get lost in life. Best to be prepared in all aspects of your life, not just the surgery.

Since my teenage years I always wore breast forms when out. Back then they were foam forms as I was not aware of anything better. Clothing, I wear the same thing cisgender females wore so that I would blend in, not call undue attention to myself. Since I got the tucking down pat I could wear tight jeans which I favor to present time. Many who are cross dressers favor mini-skirts, pantyhoses and high heels which are in direct contradiction to what the average cisgender female wears yet I can understand the attraction to these garments and at all cost avoid them like the plague for casual outings. If one is to go out as a female it is critical to first work on your female voice followed by covering up the five O'clock shadow and by all means work on mannerism of a cisgender female. I like many others did these things and will greatly increase your chances of not being made. Once on hormones and removal of facial hair begins one can concentrate more on voice and mannerism. I can not stress too much how important mannerism and voice is too becoming at ease when out. Looking good is one thing but being able to communicate with others is paramount else you will end up in one or more uncomfortable situations which makes it more difficult to go out again. The more you are out the easier it gets yet many have issues stepping out the front door, get into their car and enter the world we were comfortable as male now is a place where one turns white with fear because they have not practice the techniques and skills needed to be comfortable when out and if you are not comfortable others will pick up on you and focus on those vibes. I honestly forget when the last time I was nervous going out, may be ten years ago but do remember prior to that time I was in the same boat as others and learned quickly that (as others have done) that it's a whole lot easier being out in stores and such where people would not recognize me. When I was 18 I went to a store in the next town over, dressed no different than any other female. Walked into the store and everyone stared at me. I truly believed I was made until a sales person tapped on my shoulder and said something like "you can't smoke in here". I then realized when she addressed me as female and told me to put the cigarette out my heart slowed down and I spent quality time there. The funny thing is I still have a pair of underwear I purchased in that store on that trip, a reminder to myself I could do this. Another memory was walking down the street over a long block where a man on a motorcycle kept circling the block and realized I was being watched and thought he had made me as a cross dresser and who knows what he wanted. Ended up at a stop light he asked if I wanted a ride. I was still learning my female voice but took my time to get it right and said something like I was not interested. As he rode off I called me a foxy lady, I of course grinned. In both cases and similar cases I did it right clothes-wise, mannerism and voice while other times earlier in life I did not and saw that people wondered if I was a cross dresser or (and this did happen) people believing I was a tom-boy.

​Hi Eve, not sure why but when I just clicked the link I was taken to the right page.

Short and to the point "I am happy for you"

I've been on a schedule to have blood work done every four months since starting on hormones where I don't see the doctor, just the tech for drawing blood out. Today I did see the doctor, gained one pound since I last saw her woohoo. She goes over the normal things than says she want to examine me down below. She said I had excellent depth and width but said my urethra was a tad under size. Asked me if I had any issues, I responded truthfully, no issues. When done she said I will see you in 12 months and in the mean time if you need refills for prescriptions call them in. Next up, get some blood drawn, long story short they tried three times and zilch, nada, nothing. I said perhaps I can get my local doctor to draw blood (I have two doctors) and she gave me a sheet indicating what they needed. Got home and hit my local doctor, One try and Niagara falls. Afterwards she says I apologies in that I need to send your blood off as "male". I said guess I have no choice and walked out. Two hours later she calls me and says she found a loop hole and was able to send my blood off as female. So this is a heads up, the above happened today and several months ago the Red Cross wanted to do the same. With the Red Cross I said no but went back a second time and there was no issues, was listed as female. So for those who are transitioning be forewarned about this.

Bandaids' eventually in this context stop working and give way to you needing to make a decision to continue life unhappily or to take a step towards your true self. What your true self is can only be learned by being completely honest with yourself. Is transitioning right for me or can I find solus in dressing female? This is best done (and I am sure you know this) by working with a therapist that understands the nature of transgender. When my time came I was unwavering in my decision unlike many who struggle coming to terms with what path to take. This decision was a long time coming and just knew it was the right path else I would had would be going though life living a lie. One might think they can get by wearing female clothing and it may be right but if over time it's not and you should had transitioned one might find it is too late for whatever reason and that leads them to that dark place which there may be no returning from. There are countless stories written that tell a sad tale in that the person that did not make a firm decision loses hope, goes into despair on a downward spiral that might lead to one taking their own life, it is that profound what the brain of a transgender can do. Make your choice now before it gets to that dark place.

Glad to hear things are going well for you, woohoo.

This afternoon I was talking to a female friend showing off my Miata and this guy looks out the car window and says yells to me and says "nice butt", had to be me because my friend was facing the other direction. Then the other day my neighbor tells me her husband saw me walking down the street but did not know it was me and said she has a nice butt then she goes, that's Karen. Funny in that I never got this before and know full well that taking hormones has zero effect on how one's butt looks so not sure why all of the sudden I am having men yell to me about my butt. What I can say even thought I am not into men that it's feels great getting these complements and is a confidence builder if nothing else. On a side note my friend whom I was with today purchased a new BMW sports car, seems that I was the fire to ignite her to purchase the new car. I think for the money my car was a better bang for the buck but will never tell her that as she spent $50,000 and I spent $30,000. In these matters best to simply compliment and leave it at that.

What I get out of this entry is that you are sure this is the right path yet a familiar theme has emerged in that family does not condone or is accepting of your gender dysphoria. Since you seem sure that this is the right path then I would say you need to find friends who are supportive along with seeking out a local group that you can talk too. What you don't want is to go through this alone if at all possible and I speak from experience that came from others along with allowing others into my life. One can only hope that given time all or some of your family will come to embrace you as you were meant to be, a female and that you have no choice in this matter. One of my recent things was joining a car club, a fresh start with people who don't know I was formerly male and find me not only meeting up every Saturday for coffee and a drive but also getting together with other members during the week. You might consider doing something similar like joining a bowling league, a book club or something similar that when doing so decide if it's right to expose yourself as a male on the path to becoming a female where of course your comfort level of (hate to say this) of passing dictates how you present yourself. Best wishes on moving forward to blossom into the woman you are meant to be.

I have met one, that's it.

The newer Camaro is far from a poor man's sports car unlike years ago but unsure of the newer one's performance. Any ways I needed something small, compact, has all the neat features (this morning I learned it tells me if I am driving over the speed limit) and it does.

@Monica, well I can indeed see where you are coming from and now know even with C cup that I too can't sleep on my stomach any more. @Veronica, no that does not sound funny and makes senses. I know why sleep would not come to me, had a ton of coffee and a two hour nap in the afternoon. When I say a ton of coffee, in the morning two 20oz jolts and in the afternoon another and then after dinner another

One of my friends on Facebook shared a link where transgender people are sharing their stories. So I decided too and found it difficult to confined the story to 400 words but finally did. Once approved I will post a link back here. Anyways I am committed to this and spreading the word especially to those over 50, and older that it's possible to do this. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today

So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties. I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing. For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.

To be blunt, the norm is wives can't bare their husband "in transition" but may tolerate it. Then comes transitioning, it takes a very special connection between a man and woman for a marriage to survive full transition from male to female. You have to place yourself into their shoes knowing nothing about gender dysphoria, answer the question now in how you would respond to this then even when truthful to yourself take it down a notch because even when truthful there will be parts of your brain that still subconsciously relates to being transgender and will undoubtedly will side with "I can at least try". Sorry to be blunt and to the point but this is how things happen to the average couple. With that said I hope somehow the both of you can work things out but be realistic going in to the struggle as it is a struggle and in one sense of the word war. As my doctor said after I went for a visit after GRS, what you (me) have done is one of the most difficult things a human being can do. My doctor is 20 years post op and is very insightful in these matters. Talk to a therapist and more likely than not will either straight forward or beat around the bush what I said is the norm. So as you indicated you can not go back to a male identity do your best to keep the fighting down, make concessions that may hurt to do but perhaps this might help as you move forward. Best wishes as you move forward

Yes, the car has paddle shifters but as stated in the last part of the entry I have not taken time yet to work with them.

Met up with the local Miata club this morning. They meet for coffee and then go out for a drive that last anywhere from an hour to three hours. Today seems my car was the center of attention as it’s the latest model. The drive after coffee was great, the lead driver picked out a fantastic route that had many enjoyable curves. Afterwards he told me several times that I did great with the turns, better than he thought I would do. Have to say out of the six members I met they are very nice people with excellent driving skills. When I say excellent driving skills that means they handle the curves well and today I have to say “it’s all about the curves”. I was right behind the lead driver and noticed that he rarely hit the brakes on what some would call challenging curves in the road at a decent speed. I later found out that he does not use the automatic function of the car but instead only the paddles which I have not even begun to explore but will be doing so shortly. Anyways it was a great morning and looking forward to next Saturdays drive.

Hi Monica, I did not lose my job, I was referring to something I did outside of work which also paid when I taught but I never depended on these classes for supporting myself.

We all entertain our worst nightmares when stepping out the door the first time in broad daylight dressed entirely as a female all the while contemplating who others will perceive us. Hopefully over time this subsides and it's all second nature. At my young age of 59 being a tactical instructor I was never concerned about my safety, only that of someone who might want to hurt me for their well-being after the fact which did happen the second week post surgery where in the end the police complemented me on how well I restrained myself and only used necessary force which in the end most likely left the attacker hurting for at least a week or so. What was difficult was presenting myself to the owner of the company who owns the top school in my area for teaching self-defense, an old Marine who I guessed would not take my transition well especially since I was being groomed to take over operations of the group. He did not act rude when meeting or taken back but was treated differently. Leaving this group was very difficult, I spent a great deal of time being a top notch instructor to have 90 percent of it thrown away because I needed to transitioned. I try not to dwell on the past but it's sometimes difficult. So this weekend I will be attending a remembrance/celebration of life for a Marine and good friend where many who know me have not yet seen me since transitioning. This will be interesting to see how those there will treat me. I plan on going in acting like my normal self, assess and react but not to react in a defensive manner which in my opinion might be detrimental. I did not sign up for this, my brain did but after almost two years out and seven months post op this is me and refuse to hide in a dark corner and feel sorry for myself but need to get past this. Once past this point I can check off another group whom afterwards will never discuss my former life as a male but instead use appropriate wording that has me not mentioning gender unless appropriate in a discussion. Guess what, it takes time to finalize things as indicated above but at least for me I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light is closing fast which is fine by me as when the light is gone I have done what was needed to close one chapter and open another chapter of living.

I was wearing (like any other day) a Pandora bracelet, a delicate butterfly necklace and a very plain thumb ring. Compliments are usually from females on my nails and butterfly necklace. I was surprised recently that this young woman, think she is about 25 sat at my desk on work on a project and said I see you changed your nail color, I just love it. Woman seem to notice more what other woman are wearing. Me when male, eyes always focused on the woman, not so much what she was wearing. I do agree that jewelry can creating an opening as I have seen it happen.