KarenPayne

It's sad that people that bullied you have lead you to your spirit dying, nobody should have to take this and have to consider moving as an option. One thing I do know is if they see it hurts you they will continue which is even worst that they must continue with their crap.

Monica, thanks for your insight. In regards to law enforcement, I have been working with law enforcement for a long time, have done executive protection and have and still teach empty hand techniques that apply to various types of attacks. You are correct about not calling a bullet back which is why I also had other weapons, firearms were only one of them. I did this from 2001 until 2013 for company security and executive protection. I could easily write a blog entry on this stuff but refrain from it as it would be very disturbing to many here as it entails shooting and such. I have been trained by elite entities over the years where many are only open to military and law enforcement. If there is a decent size group that commits to one of my classes anyplace in the United States I will come to them for one or two days.

For so many years I would dress in the morning in tactical clothing which includes a firearm inside my trousers and a revolver at the ankle and would stay that way until bed time. Slowly this became coming home at immediately disrobing into female jeans or leggings and a female top with flats. Those days are completely gone now hurray for that other than use to taking 15 minutes in the morning to 30 to 40 minutes in the morning where the majority of this time is "what will I wear today" which turns into "that looks good" to "Oh, wore that two days ago" to "wore something similar yesterday" to "I think this will do but not sure about the shoes" Yeek. Yes I do the same thing with my undergarments too. The funny thing is as the weather becomes increasingly warmer (yeah in the nineties plus) I find myself when at home undressing down to a tank top, no bra and panites and keep my capris close by for when someone comes to visit. Also, no shoes (really). It is fun looking back in time to how life was for many years to evolve into "I'am getting closer" to "I have arrived". For many travelling this path I can say with utmost certainty that baby steps are better than taking huge leaps from one gender to another gender. It gives one time to accommodate both the mind and body to your true gender. Think of it as a per-teenage girl growing up where they learn through the years to become a woman rather than one day declaring they are a woman. Same goes for female to male, lessons are learned and you are acclimated to that role. Some will think "I can't wait to be away from the day to day burden of this wrong body" but I urge you to take time to become accustomed to not only your body but also how people see you and people can tell (thinking male to female) when you do things out of place which goes back to my recent entry Feminine Movement. I find myself doing cisgender things in the past few months that I was not in the past and see men noticing me more and more, you can tell "that look" which is "hottie" or "is that a man or female" and I am getting the "hottie" look more and more (and I like even more when females give me that look). So take your time and be the man or woman you are comfortable with. “Where should I go?" -Alice. "That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Remember when dating that many tend to leave their guard down which is unwise. Meeting for drinks, never accept a glass of something that you did not see being opened or go to the restroom leaving your drink there on the table. There are people who might lace your drink with some form of date rape drug. Tell a friend your plans and when you are expected home with a check in. If possible, and when appropriate take a picture of their car's tags and email to a friend so that if something bad happens this can be given to police. Never invite them back to your place until you are comfortable which for me might be three or four dates and then ahead of time will make sure valuables are hidden. In regards to transgender, as Monica indicated to disclose this until they have acknowledge this fact. I have needed to do this a handful of times, not with online dating but when out with friends where it happens somewhat like they come over to your table and interjecting into your conversation, ask to buy you a drink etc. Be careful how you tell them you are trans as it can offend their manhood especially if they are intoxicated.

Recently, in the past two weeks I have noticed my brain is working differently than in the past. I labeled this entry intangibles because as per the definition it is hard to touch on. It all began last week, there was something that felt different in my thoughts. Sometimes I was razor sharp with the task at hand but other times I was off in my own little world. The only thing that makes sense is that this is a cumulative effect of being o hormones. I am truly thinking more like a cisgender females more and more each day and will be interesting to see how far this goes. Think this is one of my shortest entries but an important one too.

Veronica, I will be gliding down the bottom of Wyoming so there is a good possibility of me making it your way, that is if you and Violet will be around when I hit the area. Will let you know ahead of time. It would be great to meet both of you. Nutty drivers, heck can't be any worst than California or Oregon

Monica, I am going to spend time with him in the near future as nothing should be left to chance.

I had nothing on my agenda today so off to the mall to browse around. After entering the mall through Macy's my phone rings, look down and it's my son. So I answer the phone and he says "happy father's day". We chat, here ask how things are going in Oregon (he is in California). I did the usual, everything is fine then tell him about my transition. My expected response did not come which would be something like "why" but instead he asked questions which I answered and he seems fine with what I am doing. I told him that everyone knew except for him as I was not sure how it would be taken. At one point in the conversation I ask if it would be alright if I could come down and visit and he is fine with me coming down. Usually are chats are about ten minutes but after getting off the phone this call was almost an hour and only part of the discussion was about me while the remainder was about what he was up to and other family members. In regards to other family members, both him and he's sister chat on average once a month and she went and visited him last summer for a week. So I am very optimistic that I have a strong connection to both of my children now which is fantastic. In retrospect I was not looking forward to "the" talk about me transitioning and happy it was done now this way. UPDATE After the phone call I sent him a picture of me but did not hear back then remember him saying he was off to work after done talking. So two hours later I get a text message back in response to the picture that was all positive.

Yes indeed we can all improve upon ourselves as the majority missed out in the early years of being brought up female.

Monica, I will be on the East Coast around April but not sure about getting to New York, will have to wait and see as the last trips took me through to Ohio then PA.

Eve, for the record I very much enjoy long drives. My first great drive was 1500 miles when I was 18 from the east coast to the center of the country. I will admit that on the 3500 mile trip each time when returning home the last 200 or 300 miles bothered me as that leg of the journey is known for police watching for people speeding. Never have been ticketed so knock on wood.

Good to hear about your trip

Warren, in regards to meds, I know full well that meds that are prescribed don't always work and would tend to agree with you that not taking them is wise if they make you feel worst. It's sad there is nobody you can turn too in regards to "they'd rather I disappear". Here in Oregon that would not be an issue as Portland Oregon would be heaven for you with support and I am fairly sure you could get employment which may not be the best but you would be in a much better place.

My daugher is going to move from the Philadelphia Pennsylvania to Portland Oregon (20 minutes from my place) this coming Spring. I told her it would not be cost efficient to have her car taken on a train and a bad idea to sell it as the car is fairly new. In my late thirties I made the trip in four days across country (three times in three years in my forties) but thirty years later will more likely than not need one or two more days. So in total I am going to take two weeks off from work for this. Two days will be visiting my mother, brother and old friends (they are aware of my transition and fine with this). So I am flying out and driving the car back. Was just thinking that why not throw out this to this forum and others that might live between the two points to see if they might be interested in a visit? Would love to have the opportunity to get to see faces that are at this time only on the web.

I think it's healthy to look back and one's self through images to see the changes and how far you have come in a transition. I never did but a good friend of mine took pictures over the years from 2007 till the present and now happy she did so. One of the small but important changes I see in your pictures is no smile as a male to smiling as a female. I can't imagine anything but a bright future for you.

Mikah, I can always use improvement.

If I may suggest, take pictures of your face every month. In about 12 months look back at the first and the last, you should see changes that are not seen over the duration of the 12 months. This happened with me, could not believe the difference.

Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female and the lack of hips and longer legs. Granted that some of us have longer legs and have a more female curve but many don't. Watch a cross-dresser solely dressing for sexual gratification and we will see them wearing pencil style skirts while a male-to-female that has studied cisgender females may more often wear a skirt that flares out slightly to balance out broad shoulders. Sticking with hips and broad shoulders we can compensate by wearing high waisted jeans. I believe that no matter how well one does compensates with clothing a true telltale sign to others is when a beautiful woman walks down the street like a man, then questions begin to circle through their heads, is that a man or a woman? The aim of studying female movement is so that you can come to possess it for yourself, so that is not copying what women do, but rather making it part of your natural being, as it is for other women. One thing that is seen between males and females when walking is men's feet generally are outward while female's feet are more inward. Take note of this when out in public and I am sure you will see this too. There are natural reasons for this that men do not possess yet one can mimic by imagining that you are walking along a line, but try to curve your feet into that line as you go, rather than letting them move parallel to the line. This should produce a slight, but natural-looking jiggle, that should help you to achieve an acceptably feminine gait. Thinking of walking, how about sitting, where are your leg's, spread apart as a typical male or knees close together or touching. Are you sitting forward or backwards, where are your hands and when talking are you talking with your hands? You simply don't practice and do but practice, practice, practice and evaluate until it becomes natural and the key here is to constantly evaluate one's self.

Warren, good to hear you are feeling better!!! Each and everyone of us have demons. I would like to compliment your video in regards to two things. First, for male to female looking for jeans, be prepared to find that (at least here in my area) the average inseam is 27 to 29 and that the average male will need from 31 to 32 inseam. So with that said one may need to shop online for longer inseams and many of the major companies do sell them but local stores don't. So try them out in the stores and if there is an inseam issue go online. Levi's are a perfect example for selling 31 to 34 and sometimes even longer. The second thing is tucking. What worked for me throughout the years (about five different methods) will not work for others or that others may not want to endure the pain at first I went through. In short I tucked so dang well that nobody could tell even with a swimsuit or leggings. There is another site that has a thread on tucking that has close to 1,500 replies on the art of tucking which should say that there are countless methods for tucking, some are creepy in that if you need to pee it can take a really long time to re-tuck. I had my tucking down to less than 30 seconds but when first starting out was more like two minutes.

I was watching a television show called "American Odyssey" where men in the show (in North Africa) are walking around in robes. I stopped and thought, wow, I have completely forgotten what it's like to have male parts swaying around between my legs and it has been just over four months since those parts went away. Now I can't fathom this at all, what was it like, nope, no memories. I think part of it was that after 2013 I was tucked 98 percent of the time as I could not bear to things moving around between my legs. I honestly thought about the above for a good 30 minutes and zilch. Thinking of my new breast, I am guessing in time the same will happen, can't remember what it was like to be flat chested. In the end not remembering things from the past is yet more closure

Self doubts are best done prior to surgery as we all know that surgery is irreversible and once you have signed that document that you acknowledge this there is no turning back but one can turn back if there is hesitation, I can not speak about self doubt or hesitation because it was not in me but we all know all full well that like you there are many who have doubts, forge ahead and have regrets. In some ways I see post surgery to some like how a cisgender female can nose dive into a depressive state after child-birth and this can happen to us too. So the doubts and hesitation are caution signs on the road of life to heed and heed well. I so wish the very best for you and make the right decision but as I have said in the past get into a secluded place and talk about your path and were it leads along with the rest of your life in all aspects even down to what if you come away from surgery with no sexual feelings down below, losing male privileges or the mental anguish, losing a marriage or children that may come from transitioning but at the same time the reverse, the wonders of being female in all aspects once you have fully embraced your new gender and be fortunate to keep your marriage and childern.

Monica, even in my former identity I always thought and felt that the brain stimulus was the core of the experience. Marci Bowers said that don't be surprise if after sometime my clitoris would be too sensitive and that now, going on five months I can feel this to be true even from having erotic thoughts and not touching anything below the waist.

Warren, I can even fathom what you are going through and wish there was something I could do for you. The emotions that are coursing through you are very powerful and surely there is more pull to go deeper into the abyss then moving out of your state of mind.I truly hope you can pull away from the darkness. Hopefully you can beat the sadness and despair, get a decent job that will allow you to make money to remove your breast and receive hormone treatment so you can be anatomically correct for the most part. From reading this entry I think that you are in a toxic environment in how people around you are not allowing you to be who you need to be and that in my mind needs to change which of course is not something easy to do. I would guess that some in your shoes leave home to get away from such a negative environment but if not done right can be worst than staying where they are at. It may seem unrealistic but do consider what you can do in a positive way to get out of this environment (which I am guessing some will disagree with). I truly hope you can get past this dark time and be the person you are inside.

So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today. I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I let him know I was ready (was kind of hard to miss me panting and so forth). Afterwards we laid there for a while embracing the moment. I still don't have much of any sensation inside but I do have a fair amount of sensation in regards to my clit. We went through various positions rolling around which was much more than I expected so that was a bonus. Right before leaving we agreed to do this again in a couple of months, something in the fall. Lastly, guess I am bi-sexual for the time being

I am not the type to attend a trans parade at all but felt the need to see what is was all about. Well for a while there it seemed like we would not make it as my friend's husband got intoxicated and did some really stupid stuff to his wife and young daughter, When I got to her place her daughter clung onto me for safety and the husband immediately settled down to some extent as even though he is much bigger than me he knows what I am capable of. I could write an entire entry of this but decline too. So we headed off to the march/parade getting there about 15 minutes before a bunch of speeches began. In some ways I was surprised that there was a woman walking around with no top acting like a male and after sometime realized they were looking for a reaction from people but people in Portland are not going to react for the most part thus zero gained. I noticed a transman standing by themselves and told my friend I believe they are by themselves and look like they could use some company. Next thing I see if my friend moving next to him and starting a conversation along with introducing ourselves and after that he was happy Overall there were segments of each part of LGBT community there and for the majority acting normal yet as you might guess there were some that were there in my opinion to stand out and be seen. Some of them IMHO were a negative to how others view trans people. One thing I want to point out that there was a fair amount of transmen at the event and would say they were well represented in numbers and also outward appearance and attitude. Would I go next year? Nope, as indicated above, this is not me but would support the community in other ways which I plan on doing, just not a march/parade. The two blondes in the lower right corner, one is cisgender and the other in transition. I spoke to both of them and can honestly say they make a great couple with a positive attitude. Think the green sunglasses suit me just fine.