KarenPayne

In regards to electrolysis on the upper lip, when mine was done they had me setup an appointment with a dentist so that I would go to the dentist, he would numb my upper lip then off to my electrolysis appointment where I usually feel asleep during a two hour session when first starting the upper lip. Personally I had heavy hairs on the upper lip from constantly shaving so when going out as a female it was pretty well hidden but sadly made those hairs heavier.

I am scheduled for breast augmentation on May 20, 2015. Had my pre-operation appointment today where they went over the highlights from my initial consultation several weeks ago along with what they want me to do the week of surgery and the weeks following surgery. After the appointment I handed over my prescriptions to the pharmacy so they are ready for me well in advance. Specifics, I was interested in a B cup but with their measuring system looks like I will have C cup. Guess I will need to get over not having a smaller size as I am leaving my fate to the surgeon as when I question him about the size he said that he has used this measuring system on thousands of people and only had two people saying they thought that the size was slightly too large. Eating prior to surgery, I told the surgeon that since surgery was at noon and that they did not want me to eat after midnight that beings I have a different schedule that most people could I have coffee first thing in the morning. He said if I asked the anesthesiologist would say no coffee but he said if it’s only black coffee he is fine and if they asked if I had anything to say no LOL. I have my best female friend coming to the hospital with me then staying with me for three days, maybe four. Since she does not drive her son is driving her down to my place and back as I will be in no shape to drive 40 minutes each way. I have another friend who lives close by will be bringing me lattes from my favorite coffee place, he is a firearms instructor who teaches with me.

Veronica, I would be lost if the dice rolled the wrong way eek, don't even want to go there. Sex is down the list for me but essential just the same.

Over the past few weeks I felt at times I should had some orgasmic feelings down below and was just getting ready to contact Marci asking if this was normal to have clitorous sensation to nothing at all even with manual stimulation. I was told that don't expect much until the nerves grow back and was fine with this but wait a minute, why was it there then went away. Well without going into details I was asked by a man about sexual desires in a email. While writing back I felt the sensations which was about ten minutes ago and they are still there thank goodness. So my reason for posting here is that others might have similar experiences and want them to know if you had it and it went away perhaps (and I am guessing this here) it is from a lack of sexual thoughts being provoked. Now there is always the chance you will never have these sensations which is why those who are considering GRS is to make sure you choose wisely to the surgeon you select. I can not even begin to imagine going through the rest of my life without those sensations it would be horrible to say the least. It has been about 15 minutes and the sensations have not gone away yet

Veronica, that's funny. I actually have considered going into this field as when I went through this I learned all about the different methods and found it interesting not only the different methods and techniques but the rewards that come from good service as I became fairly good friends with two ladies that shared stories with me about their clients. I think that anyone who is serious about coming out that this is a must thing to do and many do not realize this.

I am going to use this blog entry for posting resources for others that are travelling down a path that may or may not result in transitioning. So I will update this as resources are found. I would request if you have good resources send them to me in a PM rather than comment below the post to keep things clean. Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory test http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en Scoring for test http://www.transsexual.org/cogoffline.html The following link the person put together lots of good information http://openmindedhealth.com/transgender-101-trans-people/#comment-50248 Electrolysis Methods http://www.transgendercare.com/electrolysis/methods/overview_methods.htm HRT Male to Female http://micheleomara.com/services/transgender/feminizing-hrt-for-male-to-females/ Risks Associated With Hormone Use (Estrogen) http://sillytranswoman.blogspot.com/2011/03/risks-associated-with-hormone-use.html Dilation 101 http://sillytranswoman.blogspot.com/2014/08/from-princessjoules-mtf-post-op.html

I think if you look at this from your mother's perspective that perhaps there is another path to working with her to cope and understand what you are going through could help with her coming to terms with the true you. Just last night I was watching “New Girls on the Block” which is about five transwoman where on last night’s episode one of them meet with her mother and for the first part of the meeting the mother kept calling her by her male name and had difficulties coming to terms with her transition but finally came around and partly because of how her new daughter presented herself not only in dress but also through true heartfelt emotions. Some people need time to digest such a change and hopefully this will be the case with your mother. In regards to "your mother's perspective", remember she gave birth to a male and has strong ties to this so best to keep this in mind. I would strongly urge you to purchase a copy of True Selves” and let her read the book as it may provide a different insight to what you are going through to find the real you. Concerning not letting people treat you with disrespect, that is the right attitude but choice your words wisely if it comes to the need to express yourself when you feel disrespect. First and foremost, put on a genuine smile if possible which is a method from Verbal Judo (this is a book on Amazon), take a second or two to collect your thoughts and respond back (if possible) in a calm manner if they are hostile to deescalate if need be. You need to educate them and also let them know you will not take being disrespected at any level. Think about this in regards to the above where I suggest de-escalation. If you grab the hand of a child who is upset and forcefully pull them they instinctively will pull back but take their hand gently with soft spoken words that still have intent they are less likely to resist. Same should hold true when in a conversation on educating someone who has been mean or harsh to you, don't raise yourself to their level but instead calm them down with kindness but to stay in control. I have used various techniques on criminals and the majority of the time they work but of course there are some who will still not comply, same can happen with your plight but well worth trying these types of verbal judo out. Regardless of the above, I am very happy for you as it sound things are on the right track with hormones and hair removal

Monica, I have been told this about perfume how they smell different from person to person and what you wrote just solidifies this and thanks for sharing :)

Veronica, Thanks for the compliment. You know the way I look at it is everyone here are my inspiration else I would not be sharing. There are many here whom I admire just for the record :)

It's wonderful your wife is up front and loving. I know tears don't come easy but if you travel the HRT path, now the flood gates open. Heck I get tears from what seems very insignificant two years ago several times a week.

It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood. Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too. Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day. Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT. What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit. One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.

I am with you on dresses and skirts, not my cup of tea. In regards to makeup, I think it's best to do minimal amount that would make you happy, think of say mascara as a token to your womanhood rather than fully fledge do the whole face. What matters more than makeup in many cases is how you present yourself via smiling and body gestures really make the woman in my mind (thinking lesbian here). I see many females who wear virtually no makeup as the ones that get more eyes on them but everyone is different. In regards to where you live not the kindest place for a transgender have you considered picking up and moving to a place the is kind and friendly to transgender? I did a similar move that takes guts to pick up and leave but at least for me was more then worth the struggles to start a new life, any ways something to consider.

I like the analogy of this journey parallel to a ride on a train but for many it's a rollercoaster in that there are many ups and downs along the way, when there is a down pick yourself up and make that low into a high. This journey is never ending as I see it but at some point things will flatten out and become a new norm which you may not recognize as what happen in my case. If possible don't dwell on the negative but how you can turn the negative into a learning experience and be better equipped to deal with it if this happens again. Try and meet each and every day with a smile, smiling is contagious which can turn negative thoughts of others into positive thoughts which will come back you way a hundred fold and smiling is a freebie.

Lisa, thanks for sharing as others will learn from this entry as they go down the same path.

Hello AnnToni, the blog section here is a great place to tell a story, voice a opinion or spill one's thoughts out on how things are going in their life and both touch others and others touch you.

Spot on Lisa on it takes practice. In regards to "hey beautiful", for me it depends on whom spoke these words how I would take the meaning behind those words. Yes eye contact is important which is counter intuitive to how many females act in public towards men which is common in other Eastern cultures and less here but still females tend to make less eye contact with males. Stare too long and you are attractive this may trigger in a male you want sex (don't get me started here) as this is how the male mind works, at least from my experiences. Thanks for sharing Lisa!!!

Christie, thinking about what you said, I came out to my neighbors two months before surgery and two of them said “oh, we already knew this…”. For the next two months they poured out their questions and then things became normal. I never asked them exactly when they figured it out but while in a discussion with two of them who live behind me they said they saw me dressed as a female many times. And I thought I was being stealth. So it would seem that no matter how cautious you are someone you don’t know about will see you and more likely than not will not say anything. Thinking back at least in the past several years neither of these neighbors treated me different so going with them indicating it was a non-issue I can now see that they were telling me the truth. Since surgery the only difference with interaction is they stopped asking me about anything to do with the process but keep to normal types of conversations, female to female on common topics and neighborhood gossip. The males in my neighborhood in general don’t have much to say and did not even before coming out or when I up the times I would be out as female. I have had a few of the males (since surgery) start normal conversations with me and never broached the topic of my former identity.

Good that you could gauge how your sister would react as this will help you when coming out to others as predicting is important so you can tailor words used about revealing your female side. Hope she does come around, I have found that if there is a chance then work on it and make this happen rather than sit back and hope for it. I wish for you to have a wonderful journey as you move forward on this path.

I was out walking and thinking about passing and a post of dressing properly when out in the world. Thinking back to what was preached by long time crossdressers about “it gets better when you get out more” in respect to confidence in that one will pass. Thinking about this I have seen plenty of women that I could imagine with small changes in regards to physical characteristics would pass as male so why do those (and I was there too at one time) who see themselves as passing or close to passing have this immense fear of not passing? I use to think it was about how long one has been on this planet but every day I see gender lines crossed more and more so it cannot be about length of time we are here but that for the most part our global community is naturally born male and females are coming to terms with trans people. With that thought I would think that right now is a great time for those considering taking their first steps out the door to do so. Someone told me recently that she sees a lot of transgender people were she works in an art museum and that most are well versed in presenting themselves as female or male and that even if they don’t have the perfect female voice (like me) she does not find herself questioning their gender. She admitted to me that prior to me announcing my journey she was of a different mindset and I changed that. So if I can do this do can other transgender people but it does take confidence and that is part of “it gets better when you get out more” when coupled with practicing in front of a mirror and along with keeping up with mannerism of the gender you want to portray while out in public. Most people are too busy in their day to day life at the grocery store or department store in general to get caught up with you. When done right one simply blends into the background but when gone wrong like dressing inappropriately then we are in the foreground and open to scrutiny to those around us. Then again, you believe you have done everything right but there are eyes on you, is this a bad thing? Not always because they may be looking at you because they like what you are wearing on the shade of nail polish you have on. I have lost count of women coming up to me and saying “I love your outfit, where did you get it?” This is good but with that said be prepared to give them a reply or if your female voice is not up to it give them a simple smile. So perhaps you might consider taking a second look at getting out and about once you have done more than simply dressed up in a style that makes you feel great but instead dress as other females do and have done a fair amount of practice with mannerism, have thought about how you will reply to questions like “where did you get that outfit” or “how is your day going” where many will say okay but not make eye contact and I have learned that eye contact is extremely important as in a setting such as a grocery store the clerk may be bored and start a decent conversation with you, if no eye contact they may think you have a busy mind or that something is not right, food for thought.

My mother and I were chatting on the phone yesterday and the topic went to her had calling my ex-wife. They talked about me now as a female and my ex-wife said she remembered the two of us going out for Halloween to a bar that was promoting Halloween and I went as a female. She told my mother that she virtually got no attention (and she is a looker) while I drew a crowd of men who had no clue I was not female. I will admit that I was not prepared for this at all in regards to men offering to buy me drinks. I did enjoy the attention no matter the case. After going home I vaguely remember my ex-wife not happy about the events of the night and that I was not allowed to do this again. For me that was a moment in time that I cherish to this day and wish I had started my journey back then but then again it was simply the wrong time as thinking back I was in a battle with myself to my true identity. Being married to a good looking female in part satisfied part of my identity conflict as it allowed me in a strange (not so strange to someone needing to transition) to some that I had that female body (my ex-wife) with me. That brings to mind one of the last women I dated before starting my journey, in my eyes she was very beautiful and had the body of a twenty year old. Same thing applied in that I had this perfect female body to be with which would partly satisfy my desire to be female. The picture below is from our first date back in 2007 and at first glance pretty much fell in love with each other. She was here from Mexico to visit her family and found me on Yahoo dating which was when I was still battling with my identity. She contacted me, asked if I would come to dinner at her sister's house which I did. She had to go back to Mexico but said she would be back in two months. In the mean time we chatted on the phone several times a week. Once back in Oregon we spent a weekend together then before leaving asked if when she came back again next month if she could stay at my house with me which I said but of course, let's see how we get along together. She came back and we had a fantastic week but near the end of the week the female inside of me began to resist going any farther with the relationship and that's when the decline happened on the last two days. I needed to be Karen and realized that I was fooling myself into thinking that this relationship would solve my identity issues. She caught on that something was wrong and no sure how it happened but it never went to my identity but instead something else which was at one point she asked me to move to Mexico and live with her. She actually wanted to support me and she could as she is a doctor and lives very comfortably in Mexico. Any ways it would had failed and both of us would had been in a bad ways. That was all in 2007 and was the real turning point for Kevin becoming Karen. Before posting this entry I was only going to mention that parts about my mother and ex-wife but somehow got into the last part about Kevin and Guadalupe. Sure wish she was a lesbian.

I wrote about my consultation for breast augmentation recently and now just wanted to say like with my GRS I will by blogging about this part of my journey. So far I have a pre-surgery appointment on May, 8th were they go over what will happen on the day of surgery, May 21st. My friend is being driven down from her home, thirty minutes from me to stay overnight, next day come with me to the hospital, we are taking a taxi. She will then come home with me after roughly a four hour surgery and stay with me for at least three days. I did tell her (from past experiences) that I am easy to be with and she does know about me after surgery come to think about it as she was there for me after GRS. From what I have been told I will need to be at home for four days then for two weeks wear a special bra for support. More to follow...

Directly after my surgery I had a mandatory visit with my doctor who takes care of my current female needs which includes administering my hormones which I wrote about in an earlier entry. Well she changed my dosage and also changed my prescription from every thirty days to every ninety days with an expiration after six months for now as she wants to see how I am doing since surgery which may at that time lower or up the dosage. Why bring this up, only because it seems the doctors want to keep you on a tight leash prior to surgery in that my guess is some will over medicate but that is only a guess as one could also over medicate after surgery. What people may not consider is that prior to surgery one still produces hormones but not afterwards which is a game changer. After surgery all one has are their meds. I can see how some might not weigh in all the factors that need to be considered such as you must (or should) take your meds. Couple this with the first few months of what seems like constant dilation can surely in some lead to a depressive mindset. I keep telling/reminding people that surgery is but one step, yet a major step but only part of the big picture. So for those who are considering GRS make sure you weigh in on all the things that go on both prior and after surgery, it is never ending cycle of steps, challenges and joy. For me, would not change a thing as I did the upfront big picture review of what it takes to journey into the gender I was mentally but not physically. So plan ahead and do not just see the ripples but the tidal wave to avoid by proper research and planning.

I believe you have a good letter but do consider that some people want less information rather than volumes of information in the form of a letter. With that said some want to hear you speak the words and I have found it best to give them less information then in closing tell them "I am the same person inside" along with telling them you are open to questions. You know these people best so try and figure out if they will be content with volumes of information or want to ask you questions. Consider where you intend to come out and the current mood of that person or persons. With me a few stood on their religion beliefs which can be touchy if not conveyed well back to them your beliefs on transitioning. Even if you stay with the original letter get out some paper, write down questions that might be asked of you then answer them out loud in front of a mirror, work on your hand gestures and facial expressions so that you are comfortable with responses as this could be awkward. Best of luck with this endeavor!!!

Thought I show how involved I am with computer programming at Microsoft. I go by kevininstructor because my Microsoft handler said changing to say kareninstructor would throw people off. I did include my Facebook link though as it is no a upfront giveaway. https://social.msdn.microsoft.com/Profile/kevininstructor

Things that come to mind (and there are surely more) when announcing oneself to others is. Stereotypes learned from television, simply the fear of the unknown, they don't watch television and make something up in their own mind, religion, if God made you a male you have no right to change this. Religion played into my transition on at least three people in my case but all three came around in the end. They had the decency to meet with me and ask questions. The woman I wrote about never did but now she is a chatterbox in recent days.