eveannessant

Hi Emma, No I didn't think it risky at all, point of fact is that my past doesn't need to be secret, just the same as I don't really mind if people (public) know, realise or think that I'm trans, I obviously prefer them thinking that I'm female, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm just me. As Karen has said above, I have come to terms with myself, but also with my past. Eve

This has been bothering me for some time now, I have never felt as if I was born in the wrong body as many who have transitioned have. I have never really understood why I had it in me, or what caused me to want to transition to female. Sounds kind of daft to admit to that doesn't it, well it does to me anyway, I pretty much can't go back even if I wanted to, which I definately don't. After reading Becoming Drusilla, and Karen Paynes latest blog entry, it becomes ever more apparent to me, that signs of the female side of my self were there all along, from a reasonably early age, I just couldn't see it at the time. Was it social conditioning, or too much testosterone that hid my femme self? Perhaps both. I have had a number of girlfriends when I was in my late teens and early twenties, all of whom were good looking, yes I was quite choosey about that. More than one of them said to me that they had thought or dreamt of another of my male friends who was cross dressed, but the scary thing was that this other guy had the same first name as myself, and yes I was secretly cross-dressing at that time. Where they trying to broach the subject of cross dressing because they suspected me, and wanted to make it easier for me to talk about it? I always wanted to buy them what could only be termed tarty but sexy clothing, so I suspect it must have made them wonder why. There were earlier signs too when I was very young perhaps 5 or 6 years old, I came across an elder female cousins high heeled knee boots, leather jacket, and motorcycle helmet (She was in her late teens and had arrived at our house on her parents motorcycle and sidecar) I was truly attracted to them in my innocence, and put the on, although obviously they didn't fit, anyway I was clumping around in them when I was discovered, all the adults of course laughed, because they thought it was childish innocent play. In my later years I just thought that it was a fetish, perversion, or kink - call it what you will. I now know that there has always been a very female side to me ever since I was born, but I'm still unsure of why. I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life and testosterone has ravaged my body, leaving me prior to coming out as Trans with a stocky, hairy, wide shouldered and narrow hipped body with male pattern baldness, not at all what most people (including myself at that time) would have thought of as Transgender material. Perhaps it was these factors that had kept my female self from becoming apparent to me at that time. Point is, that by reading the stories of others can help understanding of one's self (sorry for the Britishness) and in my case my evolvement to transitioning. Thank God others have trodden a similar path to me, before me, and have been bothered enough to record it. Thank you all, don't stop recording your path. Eve xx

Karen, I feel some resonance with your entry, I must write a new entry on my own blog...................It's been bothering me for some time. Eve

Hi Christie, It's really crap like that at the begining, I had thoughts male and female alternately coming and going like the turn of the tide. It does get easier later, believe me. It really helps if you have started hormone treatment, especially Testosterone blockers of one sort or another, that really seems like pouring oil on troubled waters. But even then you still have to be brave enough, as you have been, to go out en femme. After a month or so of gradually pushing your envelope you'll just start to feel like yourself and dressing fenmale will be irrellevant, but still enjoyable. You will not end up as a freak, you have already showed how determined you are to become a woman, you'll get there. Did I say before now "Believe in yourself", "believe you can or believe you can't, either way you're right"? Let that be your mantra. Yes you'll probably lose some friends, but ask yourself were they really friends? but you will gain some new friends too and they'll be amazing. Be careful with make-up don't go over the top with it, try to keep it low key until you have gained confidence after 4 months or so, in short don't attract attention to yourself when out in general public, unless you are amazing good looking with a beau shapely femme figure..............like the one I wish I had! LoL Good Luck with your Transition Plan, Eve oxo !!

Cheers Karen, Yes, it looks pretty dodgy, and I don't think I could keep my mouth shut for 2 weeks anyway! Eve

Thanks Karen for your quick reply, I think I have discovered another US/UK difference! LoL. A tracheal shave in the UK is also to alter voice sound to more femme. I don't have much of an adams apple so I don't think that I need it for cosmetic purposes. I've probably got another 18 months or so to wait for GRS on the NHS, the waiting list is so long. Yes, breast forms are nothing like the real thing, I just think maybe I want bigger to be more proportionate, I think that they are unlikely to get much bigger naturally via oestrogen. I must advise you to try Clarins Beauty Flash Balm, it tightens and brightens the skin, it's really worked for me, but it's expensive compared to other manufactuers facial beauty products. I also use Clarins Super Restorative Total Eye Concentrate around my eyes too. As with most things French it's expensive but it seems to have worked for me. So maybe your lip wrinkles problem could be solved by Clarins? Cheers, Eve.

Hi Lisa, I'm so glad that your wife is supporting you, and that you're now on hormones, you seem to be doing beter than me with your electrolysis, I hope it continues to be a success for you. Estradiol did the same to me the first time I used a patch. The Premarin never did do that, don't know why........... Living in a very secular society in the UK, I wonder at the US religous society, and how it affects you all..............'spose this is just another difference between our countries. Anyway I wish you happiness at whatever church you choose. Cheers, Eve.

Really glad that you're happy with your new you, it must be a lovely place to be at. How much happier did the breast augmentation make you and how much bigger are your breasts than was the case? Why ask? Because I'm thinking I might need to do similar, at present using a UK sized 40b bra (which is admmittedly stretched around my back and sides) poses problems because it's a relatively rare size that's not made by all manufacturers, whereas 40c; 40d; 42d etc are much more available, yes I get by, and have more than most of my contempories in the UK, but still I sometimes feel a little disproportionate to my chest / shoulder size. I wasn't aware of your tracheal shave, have you posted info regarding this on your wordpress blog? Voice therapy is next on my list, and I have wondered about a tracheal shave. Hips? tell me about them ! I use long outer garments to hide my lack of them.............. Eve x

Hmmm, also Propecia is a rip off, at least here in the UK, It's really Finasteride at 1mg strength, and it can be purchased from chemists here after filling out a questionaire, but it's about £40 odd for 28 tablets..............Finasteride on the other hand is sold at 5mg strength, and costs less than £4 for 28 tablets but it is only obtainable via a Doctors Prescription. I am prescribed it and I cut the tablets in half. You might want to talk to your Docter about this, it could save you a lot of money..................? Eve x

Hi Christie, No make up for a week? That's truly excessive, But I was told 2 days which doesn't fit in with my work. So here's what I do, the electrolysist puts some kind of a balm (Aloe Vera maybe), I then go home and wash my face with tea tree oil, then smear my face with Savlon Ointment, hope it's called the same in the US let me know if it isn't and I'll email a photo to you. Anyway after doing that I wear make-up the following day. There are occassionally some some folicle spots that are inflamed and I have to use concealer on them, but theses are gone within the next couple of days. Hope this helps you.......... Eve xoxox...........is that correct?

Hi Christie, I'm so glad that you're confidence is growing, well done and yes it does get easier after each time you go out, and after each new thing that you do as a female, I'm proud of you! Eve oxo !!!!!

Good luck with the implants Karen, really hope you like the results. Eve x

I sometimes think that somethings get lost between the boards of US and UK English, but just for the record, I do know that magic isn't real, and that magic pills don't exist Maybe this is why I had difficulty when I had my first computer, and I was totally lost, trying to comprehend what Windows 95 menus actually meant in reality? However the gaps between the planks seem to be getting narrower as time passes............... Hugs from within the tower of babel, Eve

Monica, I'm not sef medicating that's past history told honestly & my wife has got an open mind, she's learned a lot and is a senior Doctor. Just because I did foolish things, there is no expectation on my part that others should or will follow. Eve

LOL, yes Monica, of course I was joking, Dawn referred to a magic pill that could un-trans her! Eve x

Go for it Christie, you're correct about worrying about passing, I worry less and less and I don't mind if people know whether I'm Trans or not. I've just learned to be myself and I seem to fit in with society at large. Can't really wish for much more than that, ..............can I? other than that you also get to do the same. Cheers, Eve x

Fuchsia is also my favourite colour goes well well shades of purple or pink too. But no I didn't have any dress or colour co-ordination as a male and as can be deduced in my .pptx presentation i started hormones very early. In fact as a male I just wore jeans and tee or sweat shirts, I always hated wearing dressed up male clothes. Maybe it is 3-4 years of experience I don't know, but early tastes of leather mini's etc are very rarely worn as I've progressed. If I hadn't of had the hormones would I have progressed at all? Who knows you might be right, but I've only been full-time femme for 5 months. So happy for your recent progress Christie, you've got a lot to look forward to. American Transgenders show some real determination with no NHS to support them like we have here in the UK , you and the other T Girls in the US have my utmost respect. Cheers, Eve x

Karen we have (or used to have) a TV show in the UK called Trinney and Susannah who used to give women a make over and clothes advice. They have written a book called what not to wear, this is a book showing what sort of clothes to avoid and what to wear for various different body shapes. "what not to wear" by Trinney Woodall& Susannah Constantine ISBN 0 297 84331 1 published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson It may e out of print now but should be available from a second hand book seller. Cheers, Eve x

Dawn, that's an absolutely awesome entry, it's not often that I hear so much happiness in a blog. I see so many similarities with myself. I truly feel the same way about the anti-trans pills....ugh horrible thought ! I was also 55 when I ditched my shame, and started to become myself, and there's no way on earth that I'm going back to be male, female is ssoooo much better, like coming out of a monochrome world and entering a technocolour world. Hugs Eve x

Hi, I thought I'd just jot down a few things that i didn't see coming before transitioning.............I'd love to know if others found some of the same issues. So here thay are; After about 2 years or so on oestrogen I find I need to pee a lot more often than I used to - especially just before leaving the front door. I now have a greater understanding of a womans need to pee!I don't drink as much alcohol as I used to (still drink too much though!), & I eat less food too.My taste buds appear to have changed, gone has my previous obsession for chilli and hot spices, and now I like the previously unliked chocolate, I now like Chardonnay (previously avoided by me) and other white wines slightly more than even Cider, I don't like most beers anymore. I now eat prawns, and love salads that I used to often dodge if I could get away with doing so. God I'm even starting to like coffee..............but still like green tea.I now have a great sense of colour and dress co-ordination, many females have commented on this.Although my deepest innerself is much the same, I am a lot more relaxed, forgiving, emotional, & easier to get along with, I guess my persona has softened a lot at the previously crusty edges!I don't rush around trying to get everything done as quickly as possible anymore as I used to do as a male. (Anglo-Saxon work ethic).I'm a lot tidier and don't mind cleaning as much (I used to dislike it).Obviously I don't have the sex drive that I used to have as a male, this is especially true after testosterone blockers (last 4months).I've noticed that previously greasy or oily areas of my face are a lot less greasy now.As a male I had male pattern baldness, I have been on Finasteride for almost 2 years, this started hair regrowth, with the T blockers as well, my hair regrowth has accelerated.Of course I'm pleased with the things that I did see coming notably the more ovious physical changes, such as boobs and hairy chest not being hairy anymore (thank God), my skin is softer than it used to be and muscle wastage. I can absolutely say that I much prefer being female to male, and that there is no way on Earth that I'd go back. Hugs, Eve x

Hi Lisa, I had to go through all of that WAIT - no - We (my wife and I) had to go through all of that, and skipping the middle to now, we are together and very strong in our commitment to each other keepig our marriage strong. Ok the begining and the middle bits; I took up courage to tell her about my cross dressing 4-5 years ago, we were both pleasantly drunk, and she said oh that's great we can go shopping together in London you can be my mate, great I thought. The next 2-3 days was however like living in Siberia, she had obviously had time to wonder why I needed to do this, and thought that perhaps she wasn't adequate enough to meet my needs (which wasn't the case). I had another wardrobe purge, she also didn't aprove of my doing that either. several months later I purchased more clothes, and she was ok about it. Several months later I developed gynecomastia (it's a moot point whether this happened naturally or due to phyto-oestrogens - tea tree oil, lavender, and puerarai mirifica - my take on it is it's the latter), this was diagnosed by docters. at the same time by, coincidence a couple who were very dear and close friends also came out to us as he was part time Trans. This seemed to brighten my wifes perspective on my Transness. We arranged a photo-shoot at our house, but my friend was a lot less tranny tart than I was, and also a lot more convincing, anyway we had a fun evening together. A couple of weeks later whilst we were out together (the 4 of us) my wife suggested us going out to a local Trans meeting at a LGBT bar in Birmingham, so she was strating to get properly on-board with the idea of the new me. She was ok about my going out as Eve on our holidays, I did this in Berlin and the following year in Munich. She was happy enough that I was part-time. However as many others have found out the genie is out of the bottle and expanding. I got prescribed to oestrogen aftert surreptitiously self medicating with Premarin. We had by this time a fair few Trans friends some of which were full-time. I had to go to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic (CHX GIC) in London for appointments, but kept the fact from my wife as I didn't want her to worry and at the same time started to dress en femme more and more incrementally. She had time to adjust to my increasingly female appearance, eventually I told her about CHX, she said she thought it a little dishonest of me even though I told her why. I then asked if she wanted to split up with me, she said no. At that time GRS was not on the front burner for me, and and I said so. I was still part time trans, I went out with her as Steve. Eventually due to Austerity measures in the UK and my working for Local Government, my job appeared to be a risk, and she said play the Trans card if it happens, but they already know about my part time trans, so the only forward is to be full-time with name changes etc, amazingly she said yes OK do it! I didn't waste any time. I did all the document changes myself to avoid her any extra worries and second thoughts. Now I was full-time trans with an acquired female gender, I started to feel the need for GRS. We had a friend around a couple of months ago who just had her GRS nad I was questioning her about rather intensley, the next day my wife asked me if I wanted it and I admitted it to her, more mixed feelings resulted, but she accepted it. She had asked me this before I was full-time when I answered that it would remove a bulge in my trousers, but wasn't on the front burner, so I guess she'd already thought about it. With the awful UK election result, my wife wants to move to the Ardenne in Belgium before any UK referendum on EEU membership, she asked would I have had my GRS before then, because otherwise it will be an expense that we might not be able to afford, she has been fully on-board with me as a female after our recent Dutch Holiday where me being Trans did not detract at all from our enjoying our holiday. Sorry to give you my potted transition history, but I have given it to you to show that by transitioning slowly and incrementally, it gave my wife time to adjust and realise the my inner core is still as it was, plus I'm less argumental, more loving and forgiving, and can understand women so much better than Steve was ever capable of. Of course you might ask, but would the end result have been the same if I had transitioned faster (which I would have loved to do), who knows, but I seriously doubt it. I hope my long and laborish text helps you, in your troubled state. Hugs, Eve x

I told you you were determined! well done brave soul. Remember the Emla cream for your top lip, (can you get that in the US?) and at first wherever you have the electrolysis, but it ges less and less painful incrementally, I've just come back from electrolysis myself today, and I don't really feel too much pain these days. Think of it as a wasp sting, and tell yourself not to cry and be a baby, that's what I did. I shave the morning before an appointment and not on the morning of the appointment. Having said that, as I progressed - and it's been a long and winding road - my hairs got weaker and weaker and therefore easier to treat, so yours will probably do the same. The flip side is that hairs don't grow as fast. Some of my Trans friends go without shaving for 2 -3 days ata time, but I don't like even the minutest stubble. Hope you stick with it, it's worth not having a dark shadow. You probably have the US spelling of endocrinologist Oxo...... also used for gravy and stews in the UK ! I'm so happy for you. Eve x

Hi, last year June 30th I was involved in a road traffic accident (RTA) where as I was overtaking another slow moving vehicle when it suddenly turned right and smashed into the side of my car. I was travelling at 60mph and had to swerve at the last minute to the right hand verge, but still the other vehicle hit me and subsequently careered across a driveway and narrowly missed hitting a brick wall, I was shaken up, stopped as soon as I could safely, and walked back to exchange details. I was still presenting as male at that time and so offered 50 / 50 and 70 / 30 settlements in favour of the other driver but she refused, and insisted on going to court with the case. These offers were made because I was scared of going to court and being asked awkward questions about transitioning, and being belittled. I shouldn't have worried, today (Wednesday 13th May 2015) in Birmingham County Court the judge found in favour of me, and no remarks about transgendering were made at all, by anyone present. I can't tell you how relieved I am, after having this hanging over me for almost a year, but the silver lining to the dark cloud is that it has boosted my confidence no end.............I AM EVE ! .........and I believe in myself more and more. I have posted about believing in yourself before, and it takes me back to my diving days when I was hooked on Technical Diving, one of the experienced divers (Tom Mount?) who published books about it, had said that mental preparation was of paramount importance, and stated "believe you can or believe you can't, you're right either way........ How true, I believe I can and I believe In myself. Anyway it's off to Brighton at the end of the week for a whole week, with the caravan of course and all that entails (usually broken nails! - a realistic belief !) The Brighton Festival is on, which is a little arty and touchy feely at times, but one of the shows that my wife has booked is the Joey Arias Experience, whom I believe is a NYC vocalist who is also in drag, I'm quite looking forward to it. Between now and then I have to attend face torture (electrolysis) tomorrow, and whats left of my nails re-gelling on Friday. How I love going away on hols............... Cheers, hugs and a peck on the cheek, Eve

Hi, I've bought the book and have read the first few chapters, for me there's a great deal of resonance in the story................. Cheers, Eve

Hey Christie, it gets easier and easier the more you go out. There seems to be some confusion as to being yourself and being someone else! I had this too, but you really need to go out unconcerned, just getting on with whatever it is that you're doing, if you don't do this you won't look natural. Nothing wrong with wearing a wig, I have to (but a combination of Finasteride tabs and Decapeptyl injections are working wonders in the hair replacement dept!), and it's hell in the Summer, which keeps me moving for cooling purposes! Karen's advice is good, smiles are always helpful as well as keeping eyes wide open at the same time, but try to keep it natural, not like someone who's been startled. The clothes you wear are going to help a hell of a lot, try to dress your age, if you intend going in a leather mini skirt and thigh boots you will be instantly read as a "tranny tart" (sorry for anyone upset at my lack of political correctness). In my case I wear ankle boots with a 2-3 inch comboy boot style block heel, black trousers, a nice top and something long, e.g. a longline jacket or a knee length coat, these hide my lack of hips and also hide tucked junk to an extent. I try to keep tops long, typically down to the crotch/backside area, sometimes these are referred to as tunics, also for me sleeves are a must to hide my "bricklayer style" arms. Hair that can cover some of my broad shoulders is also helpful. But all that can be termed as "props", you just have to be as natural as you can be, so going out forgetting that you are in womens clothes etc is a good way to do this, I do do this now, but I had to go through all the unnatural nervous stuff, luckily I survived without any problems, I do remember feeling great after my first few outings. Eye contact when you are talking to someone is an absolute must, I've spoken to many and my voice is awful, but I get away with it, people believe what they see, not what they hear, unless on the phone of course. So, I've said this before a few entries ago, and here it is again; Believe in yourself, be who you really are. (that's yourself!) If you don't do this, you will soon be seen as false, or to state it in a way that most Trans people will recognise, you will be read or you won't pass!, so heed my message! Cheers, Eve x P.S. What are the O's in xoxoxo