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Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome! Name, Passport, Drivers licence, education certificates, bank, rental agreements, NHS number, utility bills - you name it they are all in my name - the only thing I cant change is my pension paperwork because I need a gender recognition certificate, and I am saving up the paperwork evidence to get that next summer. Then I can sort out that and my pension. Smiling is easier, laughing is now natural, the friends I have kept and the people I have met are fantastic. No more stressing over whether or not the door will ring or if someone will see me, I can put the recycling out, pop to the shops, go for coffee, walk the dog and just exist without worrying about how I look, or what I say. I took a chance last year to dip into the online dating pool, the Pan label fit best and so I wasn't sure who I wanted to date, but have found myself falling head over heels for someone. I opened up a new FB account and migrated only those who I knew were allies or would be fine and can share pictures and conversations and all the things I was so careful not to do before. The Cons: I am unemployed and looking for work - getting rejected for the vocation I have trained and qualified for with, "thanks but we are going with someone we feel is more compatible" hurts. Made worse by jumping through hoops to get Job Seekers Allowance and have to prove how destitute I am, also being advised to ignore the degree I worked for years for and just apply for entry level jobs like I did when I left school feels like a kick in the teeth. Switching health boards did not go smoothly, I was transferred to the wrong clinic, which took 6 months to find out, then, when they sent me to the right clinic I was told it will be 3 years before someone can see me. So my electrolysis, my prescription wigs have all stopped - thankfully my E Patches are supplied via GP Prescription so that has carried on, but now if I move for work I will get stuck in the loop of going to the bottom of the transfer lists to be seen. At this rate I may never get to surgery. Shaving is still the bane of my existence. My kids haven't quite navigated the dad/mum/parent problem yet - we use parent to describe my relationship with them but it mentally trips them up, especially when the optician talks about "mum" when I am at appointments with them, but it isn't a huge deal. Whenever I go somewhere new I seem to find yet another thing where I have to out myself and it gets annoying. Every time I think I am done something else pops up and I have to explain that I transitioned and send my deed poll and passport as ID proof, only now instead of being scared I just get irritated at the bureaucracy of it all.. Life will always be a mixed bag, but living as me is so much better than living in fear. I used to dream about living full time as my real self, but seeing it from the other side I wish I had the courage to transition earlier. The stress is worth it, I have gained a level of peace I didn't realise I had never fully known. I am more confident in who I am. I know the people around me know and like me for who I am and not just what I can give them. I still have moments where I get down because I moved to an area where I did not know anyone, but it was worth it. When I am out and about no one cares, I have the same constant danger radar as every woman around me, but so far the worst thing I have experienced is some teens yelling out of a passing car - which also happened before I came out because, teens... I have also had complete strangers come up to me and compliment me on my hair, or traded compliments with someone about what we are wearing. This is me, it has always been me. It just took me a while to get comfortable with who I am.

Like most everyone here, I didn’t “become” a woman. I just quit pretending to be a man. Mike didn’t “become” a man. He quit pretending to be a woman. I’m just scared that some of the things that are happening to us are on my head simply because I’m a transgender woman. I feel like those things are ruining Adrianne’s life because she’s with me. While I have to carry a diamond shield and armor, she doesn’t have any reason to need the same. If she was with a real man, her life would be immensely better. At least that’s what I think. She tells me I’m crazy when I say that, but the majority of the time, I think she’s just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. Depression is a major bitch. I’m manic as hell, a lot more these days. My medication doesn’t seem to be working like it used to.

No. there is nothing wrong with you. It's been a pretty tough year not only for trans people, but also for all human rights in general, as I see it. Religion has become a powerful political force in forcing their own dogma upon the populace and is furthering to entrench their exclusionary views of right and wrong, normal and abnormal, morality and immorality. I feel like we are being forced back to a time around the civil war era and everyone should be concerned, women, children, any marginalized groups, Blacks, Asians; you can go on and on. I AM DEEPLY SADDENED THAT AFTER MY 68 YEARS ON EARTH, SO MANY LAWS ARE SUCCESSFULLY BEING PASSED THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO WIPE OUT THE ABILILITY OF SO MANY PEOPLE TO SURVIVE, MUCH LESS SURVIVE WITH DIGNITY. Would I ever de-transition, though? Never. At this point in life, I have never been more happy, comfortable and confident in being who I genuinely am. And I have no doubt that society is far better served by my being out, too! Whether they like it or not. I believe this will pass someday. Trans has been a part of society throughout the ages and will always be.

Growing up as a male, you are expected to do male things such as the clothes you wear, your friends, your occupation, military service, drinking beer, hunting, fishing etc. It's not the activities for the most part, but the pressure to do them to conform. Why can't I wear women's underwear. Why can't I cry. Why can't I be accepted for who I am. Many years I went deer hunting, and underneath the blaze orange outerwear I wore a nice bra and panty set while in the deer blind. Talk about the perfect example what we should be able to do without the pressure of "being a man". Reminds me of the Lumberjack Song! -30-

I too love Bambi. So hard to see me shooting a deer except with my camera. - I wear a bra all the time now except when I swim. Most of the time, I don't care if the bra straps are seen but I also have some bras that show more like a tank undershirt would. Yes - I am all for you - wear what you want and be who you are.

Most schools are and have signage that states that they are a gun free zone. This is an open invitation for any wingnut to come in blasting knowing there won't be any resistance. It's sad that it's come to this but schools should have armed security on site. All of our government officials have armed security so why not our most vulnerable. Our children. A zillion gun control laws can be passed but it won't stop a determined maniac who wouldn't abide by any gun law anyway. MaryEllen

"Reminds me of the Lumberjack Song!" YEAH!!! I think you were pretty courageous to wear women's underwear while hunting. I know I'd be fearful of having some kind of emergency or failure of my clothing and then being found out. And, I never wore a bra beneath a shirt or anything out in public. Too much chance of someone noticing the telltale bumps of straps!

She would have been 92 today. I have known so many people who have lost a parent, some both parents. Some lost a parent at very young ages. My S/O lost both of her parents before she was graduated from university. My heart used to ache for her, knowing that even being older than her, I still had both my parents. I couldn't image what it would be like to lose one parent so young, let alone both! In the early 2000s, suddenly and unexpectedly, my Mum lost her husband of 46 years. I'm not sure I really had time to take that lose in and fully grieve because I came here to help my Mum take care of everything. Apparently, as my brother would observe and point out 23 years later, I was running on "auto pilot." I think the loss of my Dad finally hit me when I came back later that year for my vacation, and I brought my little dog with me. She was so happy to see my Mum. And of course after she finished with all the wags and kisses and greetings for my Mum, she was ready for the same with my Dad - but she couldn't find him. She ran all thru the house looking for him. I became concerned that my dog looking for my Dad may upset my Mum. But instead, she went into the bedroom, me and my dog in tow, and she knelt down in front of my Dad's chest of drawers. She pulled the bottom drawer open - my little dog standing there next to her. My Mum took out a plastic zip-lock bag and opened it. It was the last shirt my Dad had been wearing before he died. She held the bag in front of my little dog, who prompty stuck her nose in it to sniff around. And then she looked up at my Mum, as if she understood. I think that was the moment the finality and reality of my Dad being gone hit me. Now, my Mum is gone. She went, hopefully peacefully, in her own home, me and my brother with her. After hospice left and after our Mum was taken away, the house was suddenly, eerily silent. And while we were heart-broken, we were not over-come with gut-wrenching grief as we often expressed to each other would happen if we lost our Mum. We took her passing rather well, and in some ways considered it a blessing because our Mum had several health issues and her quality of life had begun slipping away at a fairly fast pace. I dare say had she lived another year or so, she would have been quite miserable. So I guess you could say that to some small degree, we were relieved, and her passing was a little easier to bear knowing what she had been going thru, and that things would only get worse. So again, I found myself having to take care of things around here. One of those things was to turn in the caption phone my Mum had. I also figured I would terminate her landline service since the phone would be gone. I made myself a reminder on my phone's calendar so I wouldn't forget to call both providers. And so, one evening, about a month later, sitting here at my computer, my phone sounded. The ringtone, a ship's horn, told me a scheduled task had come up. I thought to myself, "what the hell?" At the moment, all I could think was, "I've already paid that bill, and it's too early for the notification for the other bill." I picked up my phone, swiped down and saw what the notification was. Auto pilot must have been temporarily off, and that notification hit me. It hit me by surprise, and it hit me hard. My Mum is gone. The next day I called to terminate phone service and called to find out how to return the caption phone. Then, I took my Mum's calendar from the wall, and wrote, "Happy Birthday, Mommy," in the square for today, then hung the calendar back up. I miss my Mum.

Indian lore? How interesting!! Have you been watching the Kevin Costner documentary series about the American Indian tribes ("The West")...and the history of the USA and the tribes? It seems to be excellent.

Hoping to find Monica. So sad she seems gone and would love to hear from anyone having seen her lately. Dawn

Hi Dee. Your entry made me smile. And I can see the happiness in your eyes. I dunno what else to say... except I hope all the best for you. You deserve it. -Michael

On Saturday I gathered the courage and showed my daughter Markita. I knew she was ok with it because she told me she was, but wow I didn't expect how welcoming my daughter was toward me as Markita. After she gave me a huge stamp of approval, we chatted about how long it takes to become Markita, what type of clothing do I like. My daughter even had me model my entire wardrobe of woman's cloths. Just glad that right now I don't have many - else I would still be modeling them for her. She wanted to see all my wigs and the bob-cut gray haired wig is her favorite, but funny it's my least favorite. We both agreed on the should length brown wig I have and I wore that for most of the day with her. After I was done modeling for her, we just sat down and did our usual stuff we do every time she visits me just like nothing was different. I got to say when I had to change back into Mark, she got upset because she did not want to see Markita go. Once I changed back into my male clothes and went back downstairs to be with my daughter she jokingly said, "Dad where have you been? You missed seeing Markita". That brought out a good laugh for me and for my kiddo. Then Sunday night I had the talk with the girlfriend and it was decided to not go any further with our relationship. She is a strict catholic and believes that whatever sex you were borne is the sex you should stay. She asked that if I was to fully transition would I like guys or women and I said I more than likely will like women. She then said she could not deal with that because she is straight and could not be with another woman. Honestly I am not sure how I feel. On one hand I do feel relived that we talked and came to a conclusion; however, on the other I am upset because I caused my significant other heartbreak (as she put it)and I am fairly sure I will be doing the same to others who are not able to accept that I am trans. About an hour after ending the relationship with the GF I got a call from my very good friend and he asked me if I had a secret about cross-dressing and I am not sure how he found out because I never told him and this is the only web site I post as Markita and I am sure he does not visit this web site. He in passing did mention a video where I went away but then came back as Markita but I cannot find this video anywhere and if I did make one, i am pretty sure I would remember it so for now it is a mystery how he figured it out. I didn't lie to him in fact I said yes I do and he said that he was ok with it. To be honest he was one of my friends who I thought for sure would not be able to handle it and would want to break off our friendship but to find out he really doesn't care was the lift I needed after breaking up with my GF. After carrying this secret of mine around for so long and finding people who are alright with it, is giving me the courage to tell others even though they may feel more like my Ex-GF rather than my daughter and very good friend. All in all... not a bad weekend.

Hello Miss Bonnie! LTNS. So glad to see you visiting. Hope all is well with you. -Michael

Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they didn’t use any tact. Now the mere mention of slavery and the civil war is cause for immediate firing and huge fines. It seems that we’re the only ones that are ruled by cowards that are so fragile that they will completely collapse over anything that could possibly make them uncomfortable. I don’t see this kind of fascist 🤬 happening anywhere else. At least not in the civilized world. I want to puke up stuff I ate when I was 6. This 🤬 enrages me so 🤬 bad that I want to throw out the most vicious vulgarities imaginable. At some point I’m sure I would even end up creating a few new ones. They want us to be both ignorant and stupid. This is what the “greatest country on earth” is doing to its citizens. This is the freedom we brag so heavily about. I’m ready to move to a shack in Saudi Arabia or North Korea where at least I know that I hold no value. Not somewhere that tries to cover it up with lies and full on deception.

I’m having a hell of a time getting my ex out of my mind. I don’t know why, but she’s in my mind constantly. I can’t get her out. We broke up more than 20 years ago. But she is invading my mind and thoughts all the time. I ended things because I caught her cheating on me. I was in love with her. She broke my heart. But the memories are like locusts. They violate my thoughts every day. I think “What if….” all the time. I don’t know how to get rid of her. Adrianne isn’t happy about it, but says she understands. The thing is that until a few years ago, she NEVER crossed my mind. She and I were engaged. But all of a sudden, I was thinking about her all the time. I have no clue why. Help?

I didn't plan on it. From what I hear, she's pretty much gone insane in the last few years. I also heard she has 3 kids and no clue who the father is. So apparently she sleeps around quite a bit. That's drama that I neither need nor want in my life. I have my own baggage to deal with, I don't want to be a bellhop for people I don't give half a rat's *** about.

The sad fact of the matter is that a lot of people will start throwing around complaints like "police state" or "detention centers". I replied to a YouTube video last year, offering ideas about things that could be tried to protect our children, such as armed security and bulletproof glass. Apparently that means I was trying to imprison children the same as the Nazis did in WW2. I never knew that I was a Nazi. Without our children, there is not hope for the future of this country. Dust won't give you back the Colosseum. New gun reform is more crucial today than ever. I'm a gun owner, and have a permit. I go to a shooting range and clean my guns regularly. I carry, only for the fact that I'm scared for my safety when I'm forced to go out. It's not a fashion statement. At least not one I would choose. I look around, and I see people losing their minds whining about their "second amendment rights" when they haven't even read the second amendment. If they had, they would have known that it only applies to a militia that is needed to protect and defend the country. It doesn't give citizens the right to own thirty AR-15's and have your children each holding one for a picture to send as a xmas card. You can thank Lyin' Boebert for that one. Despite being a gun owner, it should be a lot more difficult to obtain a firearm, and just as difficult to acquire the ammunition. The background checks should go deeper, and take more time to more thoroughly go through a persons background. If they farted on a ham sandwich when they were 6, that should be something they should know as that implies malicious behaviour from said 6 year old. (I was the 6 year old. Don't ask.) But then again, put 20 monkeys in a room, they won't give you Shakespeare.

Girls, a lot of women like to hunt. As for me, I have a "Bambi Complex"! LOL!!