Briannah

You got it, it's a giant plush turtle Nikki got me after the plush bear wore out. I have this stupid sleep disorder, and the cozy comfortable cuddle object convinces my mind I'm not going to be murdered in my sleep and I can relax and drift off. Brains are such funny things. But he's soft, cuddly, and awesome and when Nikki gets up in the morning he makes sure I have my turtle becuase he's probably fallen out of bed during the night. In the fall we like to hang out on the couch under the soft blankets with the dog and watch movies all cozied up, it's awesome! It's the only blanket time the dog gets, she's not allowed near the bed because she eats the bedding. X_X We got these new, giant, super plush beach towels too, and that feeling wrapping up in one just after getting out of the pool is amazing. People are always looking for the 'big dramatic moments' but it's the little ones that have a lasting, every day effect in my opinion.

Because comfort is awesome. Whether it's a favorite nightgown, cozy blanket, or a turtle plush (don't judge, I need my turtle plush to sleep!) there is nothing like physical comfort and coziness.

Hi everyone! We're doing great, Nikki has responded to the Zoloft exceedingly well and continues with this therapy, although they bumped it down to monthly since he's doing so great. And we had a wild summer packed full of all things fun. (and i also managed not to explode and actually made the fireworks at the fourth of july this year!). I have 8 more working days, then I"m outta the job from hell. Nikki continues to look for a new job, but being back on an overall even keel has returned to his I like my job, just not my coworkers overall feeling about it and is doing fine. I'm mad at the library for not hiring him, I think he would have loved working there! Oh my gosh STeph, that is insane heat. The worst we hit was 98 degrees Fahrenheit, which my phone tells me is 36.7 celcius. I swear the pool is the reason we made it through this summer without hospitalization for heat stroke, the humidity has been weirdly insane for the lack of rain that fell this year. I've spent summers here since I was 8, and lived here full time since I was 23, and only in the last three years as the lawn ever crunched when you walked on it. Being so close to the great lakes it rained a LOT. My asthma is holding off great, summer makes me almost like a person with normally functioning lungs! I love summer. It's winter where things get...unpleasant. Nikki job hunts in Florida too, since I actually loved it there and it's warm all year round, but unlikely that he'll actually find anything, jobs like people already in the area. But a Bree's gotta dream, right? And don't worry about my hydration, you should see the giant water drinking thing I walk around with. it holds a little over a liter, and I fill it up and suck on it. Good for the diet and the hydration both, I"m always really full of water. I joke it's why I float in the pool so well, neutral bouyancy with all the water inside!

I hope you have a speedy and complication free recovery! Don't follow in my footsteps after that last surgery and end up with creepy infections that you can't pronounce!

Seriously, contrary to facebook rumors, Bree is alive and well. It's just...summer. I can go outside. WOOHOO! Winter gets very long when you are cooped up and can't go outside without entering the er from the cold-induced asthma attack. Anyone here have asthma and know what I mean? Not being able to breath very suddenly sucks. So I have spent the last couple months outside with Nikki nearly continuously. (Yes, we should all be worrying about global warming, our local weather has gone very strange the last several years, and continues to do so). We cooked out, we swam, we chased pokemon all over the town, and we are having a great summer. Hope you are all aslo enjoying the great summer! (or winter, if you are in the southern hemisphere).

Thank you Ace, we are slowly adjusting to the lack of cuddle cat around the house. Her brother has finally stopped looking for here, I'm not sure whether to be happy or sad about that.

Monica, not that I really want to jump to defending my dad, but I did point out that I'm told by those that remember that it started after her graduation, she would not have been a minor. And those people were not inlcined to protect my dad, it was my maternal grandmother that hated him. To my knowledge every woman he's dated has been of legal age, and generally no more or less than a 7 year age gap. His current wife being seven years older than him. (Which made him freaking out about the five year younger than me issue with Nikki even dumber that he threw a fit over once upon a time until I pointed out his situation and how stupid he sounded).

It's not just that first introduction to cheating from my dad, it's his general behavior on top of it. He constantly preaches responsibility, and yet when it's HIS behavior that requires it suddenly we're all crazy and he never did anything wrong (he's huge into gaslighting everyone when it's him). And then raising me to validate cheaters if their partners don't make them 100% happy. He and my stepmom literally taught me all my life that it's my mothers fault he cheated (I was three, and at my grandparents all week, and they wouldn't watch me on weekends because they thought my parents should actually raise me some of the time too, and Dad wanted to go out all weekend drinking for example), and that the reason he never cheated on my stepmom was she literally subsumed her whole life into him. And it wasn't until the last ten years or so ago that I realized how REALLY unhealthy all that is. Not to mention all his talk about blood ties being SO IMPORTANT and the man makes every effort NOT to connect to my son. Literally the only time in my offsprings life that my father asked to spend time alone with him was...to teach an emotionally unstable 10 year old to shoot guns. I wish I was kidding. Daniel inherited a hormonal disorder from his biological paternal family, and had a lot of challenges growing up that were based physically, where as I had a lot based environmentally. both difficult childhoods, but we got through them. But yes, let's teach a 10 year old who at that time has severe mood swings and is too young to consider medication to help because of the nature of the disorder and the effect of hormones on the brain to shoot guns. THAT can't possibly go wrong! *sighs* Now that he's an adult and pretty much grown up of that, he can learn anything he wants, but he's not a big fan of guns. So you can see it's a giant, interconnected can of worms. And let's just say it's been interesting since I opened it.

*Hugs for Steph* I know, it's just easier said than done sometimes. Especially as my family went from huge to really small as time takes it's price and there are less and less around. I am healthier about this crazy weirdness between him and I than I've ever been, and progress continues, just sometimes...I don't know what to do with it all. I'm sort of surprised, so far silence from the other camp since I wrote the essay on it and posted it where it was visible. It wasn't directed at them purely, it was a I'm tired of all these people trying to defend their crappy actions blaming them on the spouses rather than their own internal lack of integrity. And looking to me to validate it. Yeah, I was raised that way, but as an adult I see that it was wrong. Meh.

Yeah. There's just this stupidly complicated dynamic between me and him, and I'm trying to figure out how to change it without destroying the dwindling amount of family I have left. I don't know that it's possible. It feels more and more like it's eat the poison pudding or lose everything. But if I have to choose, no more poison pudding. I'd rather have just Nikki and my son than keep eating that pudding. My dad has a real feeling that consequences are for everyone, until it means him. *Headdesk* I don't know that this can be navigated in a positive way without me being willing to let him continue like that.

Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path. Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own. Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated. Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'. My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4. I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother. And who outed him? Me. Yes, he was so interested in getting laid with his mistress (who was formerly a student in his high school history class, I'm told by those old enough to remember they all think the affair started after her graduation, but I can't say that as fact, I really don't remember) that instead of waiting til days when he had free time that didn't include watching me, he took me to her parents house (where she still lived) and left me alone in a strange house while he vanished with her. It was frightening and confusing for little me, and I have never liked unfamiliar places since. And of course it came out when my mom asked me what Daddy and I did that day. I don't remember if I was instructed to lie or not. The only parts of the story that were strong enough to impact on my young memory were being left alone in the strange place (stupid with a 3/4 year old in a house that isn't childproofed anymore) and nearly drowning in the pool because Dad wanted Leslie to lounge with him, and I do remember she thought she should be in the pool with me and that I was too young and they had a fight about it. She was also the one that realized there was a problem and pulled me out when I had lost my grip on the floaty device Dad has given me. So flash forward to my teen years, and Dad and my stepmother both constantly explaining to me that the whole thing was my mothers fault, because she wouldn't go out drinking with him on weekends or the camping trips every weekend in the summer so Dad and his friends could photograph trains. Um...they were parents. Who both worked full time, and I already spent 40 hours a week with mom's parents or dad's grandparents (they alternated). And I was pressured into agreeing with this Mom should have done whatever Dad wanted for the marriage and it was her fault he cheated on her indoctrination. I never really agreed with it, but it never went well for me pushing back with Dad and stepmom. And Dad is a big one for expecting people to face the consequences of their actions, until it comes time for him to do it, nothing is ever his fault. So today I wrote out on Facebook where he will see it that it's never okay to cheat. I didn't direct it at just him, I've hard this story multiple times from multiple cheaters, but its' really clear I don't believe any of them, including him. I thought about protecting it so he couldn't see it, but no. I'm done, and if my stepmom gets involved again with another e-mail I will enter the fight full on, but I have no real need to attack them, but they do have a clear understanding now that I do not and never did believe and am done with the bullshit. They can choose to save face, and drop it for good (yes, they still reinforce the partyline 40 years after the fact, it's creepy I know). So why did I write it out ant leave it public if I'm not actually looking for a fight? Because I'm looking to work on me, and stop condoning things that really aren't okay, and to withdraw my previous complicity. People always implied these moments feel good, and they really don't, they just feel kinda raw and vulnerable and I know unpleasant things are coming as SEVERAL of the people who fed me the spouse blame bullshit can see it, but I'm done. Man up, woman up, agender up, whatever is appropriate and either fix or end the committed relationships and THEN seek out new ones. It's not that freaking hard. I've hard so many excuses, kids, financial, partners are fragile, but none of them is an appropriate reason to harm their families. And I really don't know anyone who grew up with parents who did that who aren't harmed by it in some way, myself included. I have yet to meet one who says "it had no impact on my understanding of commitment, honor, responsibility, and personal feelings about and in my family". Meh. Untwisting my past is hard. So thanks for the trust issues you started there Dad, but I don't really want them and am trying to work them out of myself as much as I can. Where we started is clearly not where we have to end up, or a board like this wouldn't even exist, let alone welcome me. But I did open the can of worms, and now all I can do is watch them wriggle out and hope they have the sense to take the oppurtunity to go back to the dirt where they belong instead of trying to live in my head anymore.

Hi Veronica! Cottonpocalypse occurred here two, for two days it looked like it was snowing outside. I don't think I'd ever seen that much before, I suspect the wind was an unusual direction and I was in the right place at the right time. It was beautiful, but allergy people in that area of town were so not happy. Cottonwood isn't one of mine, so I was able to stand out in the white fluff and watch it fall. I'm paying the allergy reaper in other ways, the cycling humidity is doing fun things to the mold/fungus counts here and that is getting me. Are you all settled in and unpacked from the move now? How is the new place working out?

Emma, I was SO close to buying one of the yard sprays that reduces (cuz nothing gets rid of those jerky insects) the population, but too many new plants and my dog. I know it probably won't harm either if I follow the direction, but sometimes I just get uber paranoid about things. But I was close. This year seems well though, it has been unusually dry here and the total population of bugs has been manageable, as opposed to something outta a horror movie, swarms upon swarms like that last several years. One year the fleas were so bad EVERYONE had them, didn't matter if you had animals or not. When you looked outside at the grass you could see creepy black waves of them moving around. Nikki managed to lose one of our window air conditioning units. LOL I'm sure it's somewhere in the house, but at the time of it's removal from the window I was still somewhat limited in mobility (unexpected abdominal surgery in July taught me a lesson in how very MUCH your abdominal muscles are involved in movement wise, even reading hurt), so I have no idea where it got stashed. We are working on a project for next summer, when we only have to coordinate his schedule. We're replacing all the camping gear we lost back in 07 after the flood (I know, it's been forever, but camping was just one of the things that fell by the wayside getting everything back up after the flood and all that came after). There is a place I went with my Grandpa nearly every summer growing up, called Assateague Island off the coast of Maryland and Virginia. It's a lovely barrier island, they tried to build a town on it once but it didn't last as the island is VERY mobile. You can see the remnants of the streets on the dune trail. On the Maryland side you can camp on the island itself, there is a National Park (Less expensive, showers have cold water only, but three lovely trails to explore) and the state park (more expensive, but warm showers!). On top of all the usual camping fun, Assateauge has something special, PONIES! Yup, a large herd of wild ponies that have been there so long no one really remembers how they got there. There is a story of a spanish galleon carrying horses to the new world going down and the survivors made it to the Island, but it's considered somewhat unrealistic given that the Spanish influence was much further south. The more boring theory is that the island was used as a natural corral and somehow they got forgotten. They're not actually ponies genetically. Once year the Virginia side has a great festival called Pony Penning Day where they round up the ponies, swim them across the small channel, herd them down main street, and auction off the foals as a combination population control and the money goes to supporting Chincoteague. I got to see the festival once, it was great fun. But if you buy a foal and give it a proper diet, you will have a full horse. It's the overly salted food of the island that stunts their growth and gives them the distinctive Assateague pot bellied pony look. I can't WAIT to show Nikki around all my memories. Maybe not crabbing, Nikki's tolerance of seafood is even lower than my nearly non existent one, but crabbing was so much fun with Grandpa. LOL

So I think summer has finally hit. Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming. But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well. Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings. If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees. I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki. Poor plants. And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along. I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted. The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle. It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter). I love those smells. It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes. At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants. Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me. Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there. SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun. Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive.

He's been looking for ages, there's not much else around here.

Thank you Monica! Sometimes I'm not sure which of the tones in my head to use for things. It's like everything I think occurs in my brain six different ways, and it can be really hard to pick which way to say it. But that struggle is good for us, yes? Hugs, Bree

Hugs Monica. Relationships are all complicated, since they involve two or more human beings and all of us are complicated somehow, and that sort of behavior is absolutely tiring. I completely understand why you feel that way! I'm glad that you are so intuitive with what is going on and knowing how to protect your feelings in this mess! And that is a very sad, very clear sign that she will never get better, because she doesn't really want it. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I want a tiny house for my yard too, would make a great 'hotel' room for guests and/or changing house for the pool when we have a large cookout. But so many other things around here need done it's unlikely. Send me pictures if you build one! I love them.

It was really awesome, had some reconnection time, the day was beautiful, there was a funnel cake a la mode that we shared. We had a blast watching the wolves, they gave them giant ice cubes with fish frozen inside, and the wolves were trying to work the fish out. Our zoo does a LOT of enrichment activities like that, you can catch them going on all over. And of course they have a temporary exhibit of baby galapagos tortoises, so you know where I spent a chunk of time.

Oh my turtles I am SO tired, but we had a blast at the zoo. The animals were all really perked up by the reasonable weather (still not summer...want my summer) and entertaining, and now I am totally going to sit in this chair and wait for feeling to return to my feet. LOL And he surprised me with a plushie turtle when he went to buy us some of that awesome fudge.

Today is 18 years since that first date. I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together. I want it to be awesome. I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days. Here's hoping.

Mental health issues is a tricky road to navigate no matter what the diagnosis is. In my experience, only the people who WANT to be healthy have a snowball's chance to do so, without that internal and honest desire for health it never goes well.

It's just so frustrating. I'm not an atheist who needs to convince anyone to join me. I respect everyone's right to whatever belief system they embrace. I mock no one, and accept whatever they tell me as their personal truth about how they view life, the universe, and everything. But at my job I'm constantly made fun of for not being christian, told I'm going to hell and do this for me, it's always there. It's a WORKPLACE, not a freakin' church. I was slipping by quietly for years til she decided to announce it to everyone, because I have zero need to challenge anyone's beliefs or faith, I only challenge them LEGISLATING it. We can all practice our own beliefs and life ethics without forcing them on others. I have been luckier than Lee, no bloody noses, but the constant 'you have to join our beliefs' pressure here does get wearing. I could probably understand it better if I was also more 'live like me' about it, but I figure the whole point of freedom of religion is actually about being free to choose what religion, mix and match, or choose no religion as your life experience moves you. Guess not here. Sometimes I'm just really beaten down by it. Nikki may disagree with you, I snapped at him last night. Ah, marital squabbles.

Dysthimia's longer name is Persistant Depressive Disorder. It's a long term disorder that has both an emotional and a biological component, so both need to be (and are in this case) treated. The biggest dangers are that it makes people vulnerable to bigger depressive episodes and normalizing the disorder and not realizing it IS a disorder and your quality of life has been sucked out and it's not just "how I am". Apparently a lot of people normalize this and don't even realize they have a treatable emotional disorder, luckily Nikki hasn't forgotten what everything used to feel like and realized he has a problem and wants to get better. It's good to hear from someone whose used the mediation without any issues!

We came away from Nikki's doctors today with the awareness that diabetes might be rearing it's ugly head, that part is pretty unpleasant, but on a brighter note we also came away with a prescription for Zoloft to help with the biological part of the dysthymia. FINALLY! I hope this stuff works, I hope none of the potential bad side effects manifests, I just want Nikki to be better. And, in a weird way, I am happy it took this long. The doctor was thorough making sure she's giving him the right prescription for the right reasons. That matters hugely, I just sound ungrateful because I was frustrated and it's hard to be on the outside watching someone else suffer and you can't help. It really, really sucks. So today I"m pinning all my hope on this stuff, and maybe that's foolish, but it will or it won't work, doesn't hurt to be hopeful right now.