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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

Our community blogs

  1. Basically, I just want to know why some blog posts have big black dots beside them, and others don't?

    Is it an indication of views, popularity, or comments, or something else entirely?

    I'm just curious and thought someone else might be wondering the same thing.

    If you know, please pass on the info :)


  2. I just thought that my previous entry wasn't quite complete, and I needed to add a second entry supplemental to it. When I first came out of the closet (Trans Wardrobe?) to my wife, the mist was just starting to thin, I didn't think it would ever be possible for me to become a full-time trans woman, even though my innermost self wanted it with all my heart. I had thought about it many times before and told myself it's not possible based on my physical build. Anyway I started dressing around the house for nights in and started experimenting with make-up. After another 4 months or so I found out about a close friend who was similarly afflicted. This eventually led to part-time dressing in trans-friendly places, so it was an enlarged closet really. Can you see the mist starting to thin some more?  I had a great deal of tranxiety at first getting from my front door into a car and being tranxious about the car stopping at traffic lights and people looking at me, and going from the carpark to the bar, I've never walked so fast in high heels in my life! It then started becoming apparent to me that the Genie was well and truly getting out of the bottle......... and the mist is clearing a little more. 

    I've already mentioned in previous entries that I had fooled around with phyto-estrogen pills and cream, I didn't expect them to work, however around the same time I was diagnosed with gynecomastia, this in retrospect still seems to me to be the foundation of my going on further, than purely cross-dressing. So the mist is clearing quite quickly now. The weather had also started to change for Trans people too, it was becoming less and less unusual to be trans.

    I gradually became satisfied as being an inbetweenie (non gender specific) then moved on ever further to becoming femme, the remnants of the mist had disappeared during this 2 year period and now that I am fulltime undergoing hormone treatment, very occasionally during a red wine induced period of insomnia, I think about my choice to desert being male, it brings the occasional tranxieties that soon disappear. After sleeping later in the early morning I seem stronger in my belief of being femme. So the mist occasionally returns, and then the sun shines through and the mist disappears..............

    So it takes time to transition, it took me longer than many others that I know. It's also hard work and expensive, even in the UK where most medical issues are treated free, there remians the cost of maintaining a female wardrobe, the cost of many pairs of shoes, I sometimes think that I might have some centipede in me!, and the cost of make-up and beauty treatments, electrolysis, nails being gelled, and so on. Then there's the cost of name change and documents being changed.

    So you have to realise that these changes are going to be you for the rest of your life, when you have accepted that and you accept yourself for who you really are, I think the mist will have finally cleared away.





  3. It's difficult quite to explain the intersection of having a fat body and having a queer body and having a transgender body. All of these places intersect in ways that most people simply don't understand. I try to explain body issues and people tend to think that losing weight would solve all those issues in a heartbeat, nevermind that losing weight isn't so important to me as simply being healthy and taking care of myself.

    It's largely been the process of getting those negative voices out of my head telling me that my body is anything less than perfect. This process has helped me in a wide range of areas. It's helped me with my depression. It's helped me actually eat healthy food for the sake of actually nurturing my body and not starve myself for a peripheral and one-dimensional goal. Although I've realized that the process of not allowing my body to be shamed has started ticking a lot of people off. It's funny that when I blatantly state that their opinions about my body are meaningless, uncalled for, and abusive, they accuse me of 'silencing' them. I don't really care much, I should get a cup with "Tears of Abusive People" printed on it.

    Lately however, and this is probably just my own dysphoria talking, I've had this horrible feeling that I'm presenting more and more male. I want to be more androgyne, and I hate the fact that over the last few days I've seen myself in the mirror as expressly male. As I've mentioned before, I'm not a man or a woman, but when I inch too closely to my assigned gender I feel weird, in a way almost dirty. I want to blame myself sometimes, as if I'm deliberately making myself appear more male so I can fit in, but I know I haven't been doing that.

    I have been exited to see that the honourific "Mx" instead of "Mr" or "Ms" is coming into common usage. So I'm definitely going to be using that from now on, it fits me very well.

    For the time being I'm cooking to alleviate the brain quakes.



  4. This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me"

    The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here

    So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead.

    Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage.

    What is isolation?

    Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment.

    My path

    My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to?

    A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. 


    As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment.


  5. After almost a week of playing phone tag I finally got in touch with my doctor last night.  I was trying to talk to him about getting a finasteride (sp?) prescription (which he took care of) and a referral for an endocrinologist.  When I originally left the message for him I hadn't said why I was asking for these, so on the phone with him was when I told him that I had come out (I don't like using that term for some reason) as transgender.

    I've been going to him for a number of years now (10 or so?  Maybe many more, maybe a few less - time is hard to keep track of), and I like him alot.  Beyond being a really good doctor, he's very friendly, he's ALWAYS on time (my prior doctor was almost always 45 minutes to an hour late for appointments), and he's holistic in his approach.  Consistent with all of that, as soon as I told him I'm trans* he congratulated me, and then asked about my support system.  He then gave me the name of an endocrinologist, and said that once I'm on the hormones he would be able to do the follow-up, but that an endocrinologist was better for setting the initial levels.  He also said that he works with a number of trans* patients, which made me feel even more comfortable.

    I haven't officially decided on HRT yet, but I feel like it's going to happen, and possibly quite soon.  I raised the question with my therapist last week, to see what her general "guidelines" are in terms of providing a letter.  She said she doesn't really have any, she's worked with a number of trans* clients and has done letters for them at all different times.  For now she thinks we still need to work a little more through my lingering doubts (which I suspect were really fears, not doubts, but I completely agree with her on this point).

    So I now have a pretty decent support system in place - my doctor, my new gender therapist (who I like a lot!), a bunch of close friends who are incredibly supportive, a job that is also very supportive, this website!, an electrologist who I like (and who is also a transwoman), and next Wednesday I'm going to a trans* support group in the city.

    As a "side note" this week was the first week when I started to introduce myself as Christie, and be referred to as Christie by a number of people, and it's starting to feel normal :rolleyes:

    This actually gives me the confidence to send the email to my sister that I wrote over the weekend.  I had to spend some time on it to make it non-confrontational.

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    So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. 

    People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. 

    I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo. 

  6. Hey, Ladies and Gents and Uniques. It's me again. As I sit here on memorial day, sipping a Mikes Hard Lemonaid, I decided a good random blog was overdue.


    First off, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. :) It was much appreciated to read them :D. On the note of my trip to the ocean, it....didnt exactly go as planned. At all. We got up at a decent time, stopped at the local gas station and gathered ourselves some drinks for the three hour ride. Everything started out so smoothly! You're starting to catch my hint, arent you? Well, we missed a turn on the busy four-lane interstate, but we soon shrugged it off. We knew we'd get a little lost anyway, so we didnt panic. An added adventure! Well one wrong turn turned into about an extra hour of wandering around cluelessly. Somehow we managed to find ourselves on familiar roads, and headed towards our destination. Plum Island Beach, MA. I love going to the Plum Island Nature Reserve, because they have a wonderful beach. Although it would be mostly closed for Plover season (bird nesting), I knew that the back section would still be open so we'd be all set!

    I was very....very mistaken. We pulled up to the entrance, and found ourselves sitting in a line of about eight other cars. No big deal, I thought. We just hit a random rush, that's all. How wrong I was......They were turning people away because they were so full, they had no more room for anyone to even enter. We travelled three hours, only to be told to go away. My heart sunk, and I was destroyed with disappointment. Now grumpy and sulking, I drove us away and headed further up to another beach. But it were the same situation. "Beach Full". So we kept going....and going....and going....We were on the road a total of seven hours. No where to stop, no beaches with room, and after two hours in traffic to travel the distance of ONE mile. I was soooooooooo SO done. I just wanted to go home at this point. I didnt want to deal with it anymore. My depression had already been in full swing this week, and going to the ocean was supposed to be my reprieve from it all. Only for it to be thrown back in my face like....well...sand in my eyes. Only I never got to get to the sand.

    The most ocean I saw was whatever I could spot over the guardrails as we drove along the coast. Depressing and infuriating. Eventually I got so annoyed with getting lost AGAIN and not knowing where the hell I were going, that I left the driver's seat and had my boyfriend drive instead. Worst part? This whole trip was to take my little sister to the ocean, who was visiting and looking forward to it. Though she swears its no big deal and she's totally fine with it, I knew she were disappointed. That's what p***ed me off the most. I failed.

    On another note, just the day before which totally ruined my hopes-----That CEO I were supposed to talk to? Well, we talked, and he gave me names of two women to get ahold of for some help. One is apparently very popular and into politics, so for her safety, there is NO contact information for her. The other, who we will simply call "K", had a phone number.

    So of course I called her. She answered with a rather sharp tone, demanding to know who I was and what I wanted. I explained that I were told to contact her (we had already agreed to call eachother thru an email) and who my friend was who told me who she was, and what my situation was. She seemed rather bent out of shape already, but I couldnt help but detect a bit of annoyance and hostility about the phonecall. She demanded to know what I had done to help my transition, as if questioning my willingness to work for it. I explained that I couldnt do much because my state is limited on help for the transgender individuals, and that since losing my job, I also lost insurance. She demanded to know why I didnt have insurance, and I told her that it's hard to find one right now that will accept me. Then she wanted to know what I had done on my part to get closer to surgery. I informed her that I had managed to save up 2k$ of the 9k$ needed for surgery. She cut me off, demanding to know who told me it was a 9k$ surgery. I told her that it was from the surgeon, and she wanted to know WHO. Name, facility, etc. I told her I didnt remember, because I didnt feel the need to look more into those details until I had the funds to get the surgery. I explained that they told me no surgery without HRT for one full year. At that point, she cut all ties to the conversation. In lack of other ways to explain it, it felt very much like she were, in fact, SCOLDING me for contacting her if I had not had HRT yet. Even though I told her that the main reason for it was because I have no funds to pay for the hormones yet, she still acted as though I were wasting her time. Saying that no one will ever touch any of my surgeries unless I take hormones, in a rather rude and forceful way. I kept my tone even and explained that I understood, apologized for disturbing her, and wished her a good rest of the day. But once I hung up, I will admit, I were reduced to tears.

    I'm so tired of the dead ends. The walking in circles for nothing. Ending up empty handed. It seems nothing wants to go my way, or even CLOSE to my way.In hopes that maybe, MAYBE it would help, I did contact the place I used to have a therapist at. One of the things someone has mentioned was that I might get passed hormone requirements IF I have records from a professional stating that I have had transgender dysphoria for a while, and records of me discussing my distaste for starting hormones until after surgery. So I contacted the therapists office and left a message, asking for copies of all my records and notes for a gender therapist later on. Hopefully I'll get a call back tomorrow, and can pick them up later. Not only for future use, but maybe I'll get a better idea on what the hell my therapist was scribbling on her notebook all the time I was with her. Be a good read, anyway.


    On ANOTHER note (Just noticed I say that a lot. Oh, one more after this!) My hair is cut, dyed, and styled. And I love it :P Although I'm still slightly annoyed with the situation that went on while at the salon (details in previous blog) I cannot deny that she knows how I want my hair and hits the nail on the head every time. The blue color didnt stay like I'd hoped, but it's no big deal. I like the blackness of it. I miss having black hair :) Plus for some reason I feel like I'm more confident with it. Suits me better, I think.

    The second note (oh lawd...) is that I am FINALLY going to kick myself in the butt and put together my youtube channel. Although I havent loaded any videos yet, I have it set up and ready to go! DubstepHeartbeat is the name of the channel, and it will be dedicated to personal videos on being transgender, trans tips for ftm AND mtf, my transition experiences, etc. After my intro video, one of the first topics I had been asked to discuss was "not trans enough". I have that pretty well figured out, but I would LOVE any ideas for topics that you guys can think of :) I'd like to post videos weekly, and get the ball rolling. Though I may be doing them in my car every week (only place I can talk openly without people overhearing and being jerks) it'll be an interesting experience nonetheless.

    Wish me luck, and talk to you all soon,



  7. I just updated my status and tried to be funny about something that I take very seriously. Which is funny in itself because how can it be serious and funny at the same time? I was saying that I just had a close call because for a second there, I thought I was going sane.  I am SO GLAD that I am not going sane. It would be the death of me. I don't know how I could exist that way. It confirms for me that my transition isn't what I expected it to be. Sanity would be the road of convincing myself that I can spend the last age of my existence doing just the opposite of what EVERYONE always says everyone else should do. 
    We are told that to be happy in life, one must do what makes them happy. I must admit, above all things, the one thing that does make me truly happy is also very simple. I like to create. I like art. I like to draw. I like color. I like painting. I like pastels. I like to write. I like to dream. Happiness for me is all around me. To quote Devo "It's a beautiful World".
    I am glad that this is the time that I am living in. Two of my all time most inspirational Human beings are Arthur C. Clarke and Hedy Lamarr. One because they taught me that "heavenly" is talking about a place that is so much more than just a place were God hangs out. The other because it's perfectly cool to look that good and still have the mind to invent space diversity reception and frequency hopping communications. 
    Someday, I hope I can look as good as Hedy did. I will probably never be as smart as her :) Someday, I hope I can publish a book that will inspire a child to lift up they're eyes and dream, like Arthur did. 
    I may be channeling Hedy right now. I don't know. What I do know is that to me, "sane" means "ordinary". I NEVER want to be that. I want to be with the insane crowd. Besides, looking at Hedy's Wiki profile picture reminds me of someone else I know. She goes by the name of Veronica. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear we both had our profile pictures taken by the same photographer.


  8. As a cisgender Lesbian, the price for immediate interaction, as provided by the Internet, rather than meeting face to face, is a loss of community.

    It is important to maintain community.  In the age of the Internet (especially social media), cell/smart phones, and other technology, it is becoming more and more difficult.

    In the Lesbian community, as I am seeing Lesbians approaching gaining their full civil rights, I am seeing less community.

    Presently, I only see Lesbian Connection and Golden Threads, among a few others, trying to maintain community among Lesbians, and they are struggling.  Sadly, I have also noticed that most Lesbian bookstores no longer exist. 

    My great concern is, when, as transpeople achieve greater acceptance, are they going to lose community, too?

    The challenge to the TLGB community, is to maintain community as the emphasis in our society shifts from face to face to online interaction.

    In my opinion, I feel we have it reversed.  People should meet face to face PRIMARILY, and maintain contact (and community!) through technology.  The Internet should be seen as a tool to support face to face interaction, but not to supplant it. 

  9. Image3.thumb.jpg.e94e657bcef887c31a667b9

    A couple or three months ago, I discovered a new channel in my cable channel line-up, and in doing so, spotted "Starsky and Hutch" in the primetime programming.  I hadn't seen it since it went off the air, though I did see the 2004 movie.  I've been watching the 1975-79 show since then, enjoying the action, and seeing things I never saw before.

    What?  :huh:

    I watched "S&H" religiously.  I even remembered that the show, at least for a while, came on on Wednesdays.  So why wasn't I able to sit back and watch the show and think to myself on occasion, "oh yeahhhh... I remember this episode!"  It was like I was seeing each episode for the first time night after night.   After about two weeks, I started googling stuff about the show - something you couldn't do back in 1975. 

    How can someone who was such a fan, remember only the characters?  Oh, and the opening theme song.  I also liked that big cannon of a .357 Magnum that Hutch used.  And I remember that brown and white cardigan that Starsky wore on occasion.  I even had a similar cardigan.  I loved that cardigan.   However, show after show, I failed to recognize any of the episodes.  Every so often, it seemed like a memory was about to be triggered.  And eventually, there was a scene in one episode that I thought I remembered.  Or maybe I just convinced myself that I remembered because it got to the point that I felt like I had to remember.  I should remember.  I didn't even remember the touchy-feely-makes-you-wonder-if-they're-gay-lovers-but-they're-always-after-the-girls kinda characters.

    After a couple more weeks of watching "S&H" reruns, and still not recognizing any of the episodes, I started wondering why.  Yes, I liked Hutch's gun - I had a toy gun similar to his when I was a kid.  And I liked Starsky's cardigan.  Did I mention that I really like that cardigan?  :lol:  And that sweater I had made me sorta feel like Starsky.  Then it hit me - I couldn't remember the show itself because of Starsky - I wished I was Detective David Starsky.  With that .357 Magnum (instead of Hutch).  That's why I can't really remember any of the episodes.  When I watched the show each week, I apparently "stepped into the TV," pretending to be Starksy.  I was the cop that got into shoot-outs, wild chases in that slick lookin' Torino, always lost out on the pretty girls to my partner.  Hutch was annoying like that.

    Now that I'm older, and have found different ways to be me...I can sit back and watch "S&H" for the first time.  But I guess somewhere deep down, I still sorta wish I was Starsky...

  10. I had a little bit of an odyssey this weekend filing my prescription. So even though I received the script on Wednesday, I was not able to fill it until today (wow). It's amazing, but it hardly cost me a thing. 2 months of Estradiol and 1 month of Spironolactone for $25 through Costco. So I took Estradiol for the first time today. Just a 1 MG pill, but felt a little different immediately after for about 15 to 20 mins. Not sure what that was about. I had an empty stomach. Also, the Dr. asked that I let the pill dissolve under my tongue for maximum effect. I don't know if that was what did it. For the first 30 days, I am to take 1 Mg twice per day and then it doubles after that. I will have follow up bloodwork in August just to check my levels again. Should be interesting!!

    Which is amazing. Insurance is covering the bloodwork and appointments. The biggest short term expensive is electrolysis and laser. I had to delay the laser two weeks, because I had very little growth after 7 weeks. I don't know if it will come screaming back at 8 weeks. I hope not.

    Yesterday, my wife had a meeting with our pastor, where my pastor made disparaging remarks about local trans* issues in the area. I somewhat expected being trans may be a problem at my current church. Anyways, my wife was mad and upset and told me to put off telling our pastor that I am trans*. I told her that I may look at other churches. I grew up Presbyterian and did not realize that they are trans* friendly. I am not going to say what denomination that I currently go to, but I will seriously consider going back to the Presbytery. Methodists, Episcopals, UU's and other churches are accepting and won't be a problem for me. I will plan on visiting different ones, one per month, until I can decide what I want to do.

    I was so proud of my wife. Her momma bear instincts kicked in big time. I am so thankful for that!

  11. Even people.


    Clearly this is a clothes issue.  Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.


    Not a problem buying.  No women can't tell me how a shop or card works.  Todays issue is getting in my clothes.


    As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight.  Not the case.  Weird right.


    Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum.  My lady humps were in the way of my jeans.  I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants.  Was me this morning.


    Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back.  Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.


    Do you want to know a secret...   After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too.  I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see.  My ass are illusionist.



    So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows.  My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with.  I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.


    Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in.  Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).


    So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.



    I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too?  I don't think so...


    As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again.  They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom.  Oh freaken hell no.  My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back.  Old fashioned, but hey its me.  Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.


    Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.


    Cheers from South Africa.

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    While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.

    Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.

    Am I really a girl deep inside?

    Am I just having a gender identifying crises?

    Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?

    Or am I just going crazy?

    Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..

    And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?

    Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:

    1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.

    2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.

    3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)

    4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.

    5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".

    Reason I am a girl:

    1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.

    2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.

    3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)

    4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing

    6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.

    7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.

    8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.

    9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.


    I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..

    It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.

    It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..

    But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..

    I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.

    But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.

    And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..

    But Yet they keep coming up..

    I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?

    I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.

    I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.

    I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?


    Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.

    Have a great day :)

  12. Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down.

    So here’s what has happen since I heard those words
    On May 31st came out to my wife
    Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender.
    August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group
    August 30th came out to my health coach
    October said that I am transgender
    November 2nd came out to my colorist
    November 10th met a trans friend
    November 17th came out to my doctor
    November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day
    About November 20th stopped having migraines
    November 19th came out to my nail girl
    December 3rd came out to my massage therapist
    December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women
    About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants
    January 10th saw new therapist
    January 11th got fitted for my first bra
    January 31st told 2 women at blood bank
    About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender.
    February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy)
    February 18th told my new doctor
    January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank
    March 16th came out to my cousin
    March 28th came out to my daughters
    March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women
    April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me
    April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy)

    So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman.
    On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
    3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat.
    I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me.

    I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time.
    So today I say I am transgender,

    “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”

    Dawn Lynn
    PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
    for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.

  13. I wrote a book - The Definition of Normal by E S Carpenter - because I studied psychology and learned that there is a ton of educational / psychology proof that TG / TV / CD people and their admirers are NORMAL! And I am very tired of the social beating these groups get, from the so called 'normal people'.

    These lifestyles, along with LGBT have existed since humans have existed, and it is about time someone explain the educational information available, so the non-educators can learn. Seems almost all LGBT / TG / TV / CD education material is in Peer Review Journal Articles - not readily accessible to the general public. I have no idea why our wonderful higher educational system does not gladly offer access to this information - but that is a discussion for another day.

    I studied the information in the book. The pschological facts are accurate. Yes, they are woven inside a love story. ...Believe it or not, for the reasons the character 'Lorraine' gives in the book: Most people can't process formal operational thought (theory only). SO I wrote a concrete operational love story around the information, so more people would access.

    The book is free on Amazon to read. See how 'NORMAL'. Then let's talk if you want?

  14. I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh>

    As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply.

    Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees.

    I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other.

    I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it.

    I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks.

    She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end.

    She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want.

    About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out.

    When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too.

    So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her.


  15. Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters.

    I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain.

    See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past.

    Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!

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    Greetings, all ... <img src="" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif"/></a>

    I've been <i>into</i> the "blog scene" around the WWW for (only) the past couple of years ...
    Most recently via my <a href=""><b><u><font color = "00FF00">(Link to) TGD "Adonii" profile</font></b></u></a>

    Just "discovered" TGG this evening ... and am ready to check out this site ... <img src="" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif"/></a>
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  16. Latest Entry

    It’s an odd feeling, hoping that there is something wrong with you. Really hoping that you’re sick, and that you can use that to explain what’s happening. I’m loathe to book the blood tests though, not only because they’re a nuisance that involves me taking time off of work but because I fully expect them to reveal nothing.

    The phlebotomist will take the samples, I like her; she’s a friend of a friend and always asks after him and what he’s been up to. Then the samples will disappear for a couple of weeks. Finally the surgery will send me a letter.

    It’ll look something like this:

    “We’ve had the results of your blood test. We can confirm that your cholesterol levels are very high, putting you at risk of serious health conditions, including stroke and heart attack. You’ll be pleased to know, however, that we found no other abnormal readings. Please make an appointment as soon as possible so we can discuss the results and your options.”

    My symptoms are weight gain, which I don’t mind as I like being heavier, depression, high cholesterol and very high fatigue. It’s the fatigue that’s ruining my life, it feels like every other day I have to ask to work from home because I can barely keep my eyes open.

    The cholesterol is also worrying, mostly because I know I’m fat but I’m happy as I am. I’m already a vegetarian, I don’t eat dairy (apart from chocolate and cheese) so that actually cuts out most sources of dietary cholesterol.

    In essence, I don’t want a formal confirmation of something that I can already hear in my head (naturally, in my father’s patronising, sanctimonious, calculating voice):

    “You’re depressed and have cholesterol problems because you don’t go to the gym and don’t eat like a nutritionist. If you got off your fat backside you would probably feel less tired, too.”

    My symptoms have all the hallmarks of an underachieve thyroid, which my maternal grandmother also has. The fact it’s such a perfect fit seems to make it all the more likely that it won’t be the culprit.

    I’d love an easy answer, for once. Something that explains why it’s damned hard to even get out of bed. Why my eyes are stingy and dry. Why just housework tires me out. Why I have such acute bouts of depression. Why my cholesterol is high enough to actually make the doctor raise their eyebrows (which is not a fun feeling).

    So, I’m on the sofa. I’m remoted in to work. The telephone is nearby. My coffee is slowly going cold. It’s nearly noon. I can’t bring myself to book the blood test. The coffee feels like it’s in another room. I’m too bleary-eyed to start work; I almost expect to be fired for working from home too much. The telephone feels like it’s in another country.

    Just like Gwen. I wish she were here. I wish Cloud was here too, my best friend in all the world. My girlfriend is in the Netherlands, and has gone radio-silent again. Cloud is in France visiting his family. It’s okay: Cloud will be back tomorrow, and I’ve learnt that Gwen being quiet doesn’t ‘mean’ anything (much as my neuroses try to twist it into one). She’ll be back soon enough.

    Work isn’t going anywhere. Not really. They need me, and my working from home is only just an inconvenience. In my defence, I also remoted in over the weekend and did a load of extra work for them just because I felt like it.

    I’ll start small. Coffee first. Everything else in time.

  17. Silly it seems. Especially since visiting this site and reading everyone's wonderful stories, that I would ever feel lonely or alone. I have such a huge support network around me of friends, girlfriends, family and co-workers and yet lately I have begun to feel that isolation again.

    It's pretty easy to stave off these days. Between lunches and shopping and coffee with girlfriends or dancing whenever I get the chance or just being randomly oggled or hit on in the streets - gender dysphoria no longer has its claws in me.

    Still, 23 months in and I didn't have another transgender person to call a friend outside the world wide web. I was starting to beat myself up pretty bad about that. I had heard mixed things about support groups and I was even beginning to think that, if I had made it this far without one support groups were probably not for me. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong x)

    My psychologist recently started doing her own support groups with her own clients. I told her I would attend the first meeting and then... well... at the last moment I got socially anxious and I... didn't. But when the chance rolled around again this time (the first Sunday of every month) I was determined to go. Like jumping into the deep end I just held my breath from my fears and I did it. I went.

    Oh my God. I'm not alone.

    Not only did everyone share similar stories of their journeys but for the first time I felt like my input was valuable! I had no problem speaking up and adding my two cents. Something that usually doesn't happen unless I have incredibly deep knowledge in a subject (like at work). Although, I guess - this being my life - I do have a pretty deep knowledge with it. I was still terrified at first, something I tried over the course of the few hours to overcome, and I think I did so successfully. By the end of the session I had been invited for drinks and had been chatted up by many of the others. But something was different throughout the experience... unlike any other social interaction I usually have in groups or with new people this never once felt threatening. Even getting over my fears felt worthwhile instead of potentially dangerous.

    That is a feeling that I want to carry on with me from now on :)

    The most incredible part of the whole experience was probably the thing that I feared the most actually coming true. I was always afraid that I would run into someone from my past who knew me before... and I did. Yet, it was nothing as I had expected. At 23 months of HRT I was the most "experienced" (using that loosely) of the folk there. Most everyone else was just starting hormones or were just starting to experience changes. I was the only one (so far!) to be fully out and living life this way without compromise. I can't wait to watch all of them change :3

    With the person that I ran into... she was just starting... and going through what I remember to be the hardest phases of coming to grips with the whole experience.

    As she went to leave I had to pause a good conversation I was having with one of the women to go and say hello, thinking maybe she hadn't recognized me. She simply grabbed me in one of the most loving hugs I have had in my life and told me, "oh my God... This all makes so much sense, I had no idea...". We held in that embrace for what felt like forever and it felt so, so right.

    We went out for dinner following the meeting (I later brought her to my dance class. I'm so proud of her!) and she gave me her whole story. I felt so strongly connected to her that at points I cried during her story. Somehow... I think I always knew that we were connected on a deep level... even before either of us could have ever seen this day coming.

    That was last weekend. Since then I have had a few of the folks over to my place to play games and watch movies and today I met up with another wonderful person to take a spontaneous dance class in a discipline that neither of us had even heard of before x) Tomorrow we are going for a run around the seawall (although... I'll have my roller blades on) and then later I will meet up with my old friend to go and have a new experience yet again.

    It's been like a whirlwind, and all because I finally conquered my fear of others like me. I'm sure this won't be the end of all my troubles but right at this second I feel like I am floating in the clouds. I have never felt so accepted, conversation has never come so easy and no challenge seems to big. I am sure that my cisgender girlfriends accept me just as much (in fact, I know they do) but y'know... they've had a different experience out of life and this is just a whole new kind of friendship.

    Now is just the trouble to make sure I don't throw my whole life away in exchange for these new experiences xD Focus Mikah. Priorities! Balance!

    I feel so blessed to be living here in Vancouver where this is... well, a lot easier than it could be in a lot of places. I also feel incredibly strong for making it this far on my own and so relieved that now I don't have to carry the weight on my own. Finally!

    I'll conclude with just a picture of me after getting made over by some of my wonderful cisgender girlfriends while shooting a promo video for them. A snapshot - me at 23 months :)

  18. well today has been another day.... I mean what are we here for? to think the way we live is a choice---really the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I pluck my facial hair because I don't want stubble....let a man do that---lmbo----he would cry like--ironically a girl---- I live for me and refuse to live for whatever society thinks I should. I say once and forall deal with me world because I am real and I am here.

  19. Those who know me may say I am way out there. You know ,........'' There right !'' I have to share this worldly thought since it is so close to Earth Day........ We the transgender are in a driving movement to express to the world that we are real & that we belong. We make up about 1% of the population . Maybe a little more or maybe a little less. My crazy thought is that even to know we are a small group of the world , the people of earth will eventually look to us for leadership & salvation. '' Save the people of the world ! '' '' Pamala you are really crazy!'' All I will say to this right now is. Those of you who are transgender & want to express yourself other than what you were born with. I am asking to you to look deeply further within yourself. Look to the ethical humanity , the high intellect, the ability to see what others seem not to see or understand. '' We are evolutionary peaceful lovers! '' Our future may be more than making the people of the world except us. We may have the moral obligation to change the culture of the world, and be the most adaptable appropriate species ever known.......... '' A Transgender Loving Humane Being.'' capable of showing the world it is time to love for peace than to fight for peace.

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    Latest Entry

    Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped.

    I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.

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    Latest Entry

    All my life, I have felt wrong. And I do mean all my life.

    Since before I could even put a full definition to what gender even was. I have always felt off in my own body, as though the world I expected and desired did not sync at all with what was happening around me, happening to me.

    I have hidden from my true self all my life. I did what was expected of me, what was expected of all be a man. To do all the things boys are supposed to do. Act the way boys are supposed to act.

    I have the brain of a female. In all likelihood it is biological, caused during foetal formation by little more than a slightly “off” series of hormonal developments. My mind is a girl’s, but it’s in the body of a boy, and it has been this way for the entirety of my existence, regardless of how I’ve been raised or how my worldly experiences have influenced me.

    Imagine for a second here what that would be like. Imagine you, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by societal current, tradition, and bare survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there’s nothing that you can do about it.

    This is how it is for me. This is how it’s always been for me. If you’ve always seen me as a Herculean pillar of masculinity, then I guess it just means I’m a good faker. I’m sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That’s never what I wanted to do.

    For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about what I felt, and so for years I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transsexuality, I have found, is not a habit you can break, a mindset you can force your way out of, or something you can treat with psychotherapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never, ever change, but as it turns out, there is something that can be done about it. I’ve always known it was a possibility, but until now I’ve been too terrified to make it a reality. It took time, it took lots of time, for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living as a male. To understand that any apprehensions that I had about doing anything to solve my problems were very much outweighed by the problems themselves, and the implications that they would have on my well- being for the rest of my life.

    May 10, 2014 my life came to a cross-road. I was at the point of Transition or commit suicide. So I’m doing something about it, and I’m transitioning from male to female. It’s the only cure for my condition, and I am more than happy to take it on. Above all of the rest, this is the part I want you to understand the most. This is the part where I’m going to be emphatic, where I’m going to be angry, and where I’m probably going to cry a little.

    This is the part where I want to make clear that this was NOT a choice.

    I am not deciding to become a girl. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I could take, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning from male to female, I have become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I have opened myself up to discrimination and hate. I have jeopardize my likelihood of finding a life partner who accepts me. I have jeopardize my job security. I have opened myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble, and it is not something that I would choose to do.

    This is the next step of my life, of my existence and of my development as a human being, and this was always going to happen, because it was never my choice.

    Coming to grips with this has been an absurdly hard process, and it has constantly sent me into depression and loneliness. Nearly every personal problem that I’ve had over the course of my life, I can trace back almost certainly to repressed questions of gender identity. Making myself realize it and embrace it took years, and even after that the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable.

    I never told anyone. I lied about what made me sad, or I just didn’t say. Coming out and actually telling someone “I’m transgendered” was a prospect far, far too scary to even consider. Instead I sank inside myself, jealous of people more brave than me and full of self-pity. It’s all because I was too scared to just tell anyone that there was something wrong with me. It took being completely low, down, and beaten for me to finally tell my best friend. It was a year after that before I told anyone else. After that person, a couple of weeks to tell another. Despite how scary it was all those times, and despite how scary it still is, it gets easier.

    I lost friends and family with my decision to transition. My middle daughter, age 25, has disowned me and tells people I am an embarassment. A few friends have stopped talking to me, which just tells me they never were my friends in the first place.

    August 21,2014 I started HRT and began the process of transition. I doubt my transition will ever end, as humans tend to evolve over time. We develope new interests and loose interest in other things. For me its just about living and being happy as the REAL me.

    Surgeries? After weighing all the pros and cons, I've concluded that at my age and the inevitable witing list for C.A.M.H to approve government medical coverage, not to have SRS. I will be having an Orchi done this spring. Two reasons for get off the spiro and to get rid of the two things that represent to me the symbol of masculinity.

    Ok that's all for now.

    Merry Meet and Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again

    Blessed Be


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    Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly.

    I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it!

    Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell.

    I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess.

    I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu!

    Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning!

    Goodnight xx