Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
Well I’m off to bean town and this will be great. We are doing a family bonding trip before thanksgiving and have a lot of fun things planned. I will also be seeing my sister, who I haven’t seen since last year. I told her that I was transgender on coming out day. I am so excited to see her. I will also be seeing my brother, sister in-law, nephew and an aunt. I may come out to my brother but I’ll have to gauge that at the moment. I personally would just tell everyone but I have to respect my wife. I can’t wait to wear some winter clothes too. I’m going to girl it up just a bit around my kids to see how they react. I’m trying to slowly get them used to seeing a more feminine side of me. I bought some cute turtleneck sweaters and some leggings. I should go and buy some girl cross boots 🥾 but we will see. I am also going to bring an earring for my one pierced ear from years ago. I will also wear a bit of eyeliner. I know it sounds silly but I am so excited to go. I feel so alive! I can’t even remember the last time I was so excited to go somewhere without some sort of anxiety. Wow what a beautiful feeling. 😍
It has been a while since I have been here, so I need to bring this blog up-to-date. I think I was in the process of selling my house when I last wrote. We went to closing on October 2, so that is a done deal. In the meanwhile, I bought an older mobile home in a 55+ senior park and am completing my second month here. At this writing, all is going well, and I am happy with my decisions. The park is safe and quiet. Well, I am somewhat near the railroad tracks, but I have gotten used to the trains. The bed does rumble a little when the trains go by, but it's like having a vibrating bed, and I have gotten used to it. The neighbours are nice, and pretty much keep to themselves which I appreciate being somewhat of a recluse. I actually feel more comfortable wearing more feminine clothing in my early morning outings with my puppies. I do run into an occasional fellow dog walker, but it's dark and early and nobody seems to mind at that hour.
So, this brings me to my news for the day. As I may have mentioned, I have been a secret cross-dresser, transgender sissy for all my life. During this past year since my wife died, I have been able to express myself more fully at home which has been good, but I still present male to the outside world. That will probably be the case for the foreseeable future as I would have a hard time at t his point working as a female. I'm just not ready. But, I do have some female friends from my previous work at PACE Center for Girls. I had lunch with two of them last year, and today, we met again for lunch. I made up my mind, that I would let them know that I had a feminine side and was transgender. I was somewhat nervous and apprehensive about doing it, but I needed to be open and honest with them about my true self. As it turned out, they were very accepting and sympathetic, and I felt so relieved to finally open up to the outside world. We hope to meet again soon as we all had a good time. Next time, I will officially be one of the "girls." Maybe even do a little dressing. They already want to call me Michelle. What fun!
Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle.
My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an unattainable standard."
That triggered me. I was delighted that she sees me as another woman, at least mentally. But it's habitual that I wonder how does she know? Is she saying that just to be kind? And more importantly, what am I, really?
I think we all wish that we can be "fixed" of our anxieties, to be rid of them. I'm learning that this just doesn't happen. We need to learn to live with them. Maybe this quote from Brene Brown's recent "Braving the Wilderness" will help:
"Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."
Okay, throughout my entire life, I have often accumulated various articles and many times, entire wardrobes of woman's clothing, shoes, make-up, wigs, etc. In my own privacy I dressed up, sometimes if only for a short period and other times for extended periods. More often than not, I always had my "stash", which gave me much comfort in the thought that I would someday be able to transition and live my life of a woman without going back. It seems that every time I had a "life changing event", for example, new girlfriend, marriage, birth of a son or daughter, new job, I would always purge those things I loved in an attempt to live a life according to what I wrongly perceived as normal. Well about two years ago I decided what was actually normal for ME was to prepare for transitioning. As I approached retirement age, (I don't think I'll ever really retire), I began to downsize my business in order to run it without any employees. (I often had a dozen). My wife was no longer physically able to work it with me. So in the privacy of my business basement when off times permitted, I began to accumulate again, slowly, carefully, with the thought that I may never purge again. Any where from 3-5 times a week over the last two years I was able to "practice, perfect my presentation, walk, practice speech, dress, learn the art of make-up and at the same time lost close to 60 lbs. Well, another life changing event is approaching; my business should be liquidated in the coming 3 weeks, and this weekend I methodically boxed everything up and brought it home! About 30 dresses and suits, skirts, 3 dozen blouses and tops, slacks, skirts, 5 wigs, make-up, purses, mirrors, and about 12 pairs of shoes. I'll be very busy over the next few weeks with closing my business and for several afterward with the financials, but I'll have everything intact when I'm done so I can take on the life changing event I've waited my whole life for. THAT'S NORMAL😍
So, I needed help again but I was all alone. I took a step in the right direction and the universe sent me what I needed just before I gave up.
I had spent all day in full boy mode for others in my life. Later that evening decided to go to an aa meeting because I haven’t been to one for 2 weeks and I really enjoy trying to help people who are struggling. The funny thing is that ever since I admitted I was trans and started HRT my drinking issues or compulsion to drink have vanished completely. I have had to look at things differently and question why am I still going. AA is really a spiritual thing and in working the steps throughly I was finally able to let go of the one thing that was holding me back. It took me about 15 years to admit I was trans even though when I was doing my 4th step for the first time it was #1 on the list. I just couldn’t write it down because I was terrified. That one I will take to my grave. When the pain of holding on to that secret was stronger than what was in front of it, is when I chose to moved forward rather than die. I couldn’t scar my kids by taking my life. No. So aa has improved my life tremendously and I have very deep relationships across the globe. Amazing. I help people in and out of aa face their fears in life all the time and it brings great meaning and joy to my life. That’s why I still go, to just be there Incase I am needed and to see friends that I trust with my life. So after being in boy mode I wanted, no needed, to feel just a bit feminine. I guess that I didn’t expect pretending to be the masculine guy would effect me the way it did. I felt like I wanted to rip off the boy clothes at the end of the day. Normally I’m okay with boy mode but I think it was because I wasn’t doing it for me and I felt like I was being forced. The truth is that I wasn’t being forced, I was doing it to make others happy. At least that was the idea anyway and it seemed to work. So finally I strip off the boy gear and put on some tight jeans, neutral shoes and a tight top that I bought at Zion national park. The top is a bright green long sleeve shirt with really colorful logos on it and was the first piece of actual girl clothing I ever purchased with my wife standing there. “Are you sure you want this? It’s a girls top. You know that don’t you? I was hoping that if I mixed it in with all the other stuff we were purchasing she wouldn’t notice but she did. For a second I almost backed out and put the shirt back but this time I didn’t. I said I don’t care I really like the colors and logos which was true. I was able to push myself through because the night before I went on night hikes by myself while everyone else was sleeping. I stayed up most of the night hiking under a bright full moon. It was so bright that it was illuminating the canyon completely, it was a clear night as well and just spectacular. I had been contemplating transition for the whole week hiking all over the place and Zion was last on the list. I made the decision that night to move forward with transition and became okay with what that might mean. I Ishtar lose everything I love. I was at peace in my soul. If you have never been there I would add it to the bucket list. My point here is that this silly top has a ton of meaning behind it and it forms to my body☺️ So win win. It’s cute. Anyway I put on this top intending to wear it to the meeting. This meeting is a packed meeting with about 150+ people and the rehabs bus in their clients. There are a lot of young buck and doe running around with attitudes and no intentions of getting sober. They are there for the free ride in “paradise “and to stay out of jail. I have helped many of the serious ones that are becoming aware to get a foot hold on life before they go home but the odds are against them, I still try. Once I got dressed to leave I walked past the mirror and realized that my chest was really popping out. I loved the way I looked. I said oh my god I freakin look good smiling back in the mirror. Standing sideways, checking out my thighs, butt, waist, boobs, shoulders, collarbone, hair and eyes. I was really happy and proud of how much I changed. I put in a lot of effort working out and eating right. Then I became full of fear. Crap! I can’t wear this to the meeting, I might as well bring a poster saying “trans heya! come n get ya trans heya!” like at a ballgame. Some of the rehab guys are unstable and have a lot of pent up anxiety. You just never know who will be there. Well I did not want to take that top off and so the battle was on. I was so pissed at myself for being weak. I was pissed that the rehab guys were freakin me out. I was pissed for having waited all day and now foiled by my own boobs. So, for ten minutes I paced around trying to figure out what to do. Stay, go, I kept changing my mind. I finally just stopped everything and sat outside and just listen. Campfire burning next door, ruslin of the vegetation, lizards running around as my dog chased behind. Breath Christy, Breathe. What the hell is really going on. This is not normal for me. What am I missing? This was my first girly fear. The first time I was actually concerned for my safety. I felt really vulnerable. That is what was freakin me out but I didn’t know it. I am anything but vulnerable so what the hell. HRT is changing my brain I guess, I have read a lot about it but this is the first time I got side swiped by it. I know what girls are talking about now. What would I recommend to somebody In my position right now? Back to the closet I went as I gently took the Zion top off careful not to stretch it because I’m wearing it tomorrow.😊 Now....what to wear? What to wear? (I spend a lot more time in the closet these day just trying to decide) (out of the closet to spend more time in the closet...funny). Anyway I decided on a black stretch tech top from ems that shows off my body and I can zip it down to show some cleavage. I’m tucked with tight jeans, tight revealing top and my hair thrown back. I feel like I look good but I am nervous! I just can’t shake it. I read my affirmations and out the door I went. If I freak out too much I will not go in but I just kept going. I composed myself and lifted my head high walking into the room like I always do. Crap! No seats. Oh there’s one up front. I was hoping for one in the back, dam. I went through the sitting crowd saying hi to a couple of friends on the way and sat down. Whew. Eyes were upon me. A lot of eyes I could feel it and it was intense. Of course I was right next to the rehab guys all muscled up and trying to be cool. They didn’t know what to make of me and I could feel them staring at me the whole time. I would glance over once in a while catching them in the act. Funny. I just looked them in the eye and gave the sup nod. Everything was fine and I listened to the first of 2 speakers. He had an Interesting story to tell and it brought me back to my own life many years ago. He kept emphasizing how full of fear he was in and how he had to force himself to walk through it for a better life. He described the battle and I realized that I was going through it again only a different battle. I didn’t feel comfortable at the break I just had to move so I got some water and planned on leaving. As I was kind of sneaking out the door my friends were yelling hello and I high fives, fist bumps on the way out. Did I over do this? Do I look weird? I thought I looked good but I was very unsure of myself. Also I felt like I was pushing it to far. My wife doesn’t want me to come out yet, she needs more time. Did I just blow that agreement? Crap! I have to get to the safety of my car away from prying eyes. I should have never showed up late drawing so much attention to myself. I’m out the door...almost.. a friend of mine grabs me at the last second to say hello and I shake his hand and say good to see you. He asks if I’m leaving and I say yeah, then he pulled me in close with some force and said “bro when you came in you were looking like a rock star, everyone was like who’s that’s!? man your looking good.” I said thanks dude and walked out. Holycrap. Everything changed in me within 4 steps, I felt like wow I read that wrong. All that stress was for nothing. I should know better than to allow that to happen. It was like I forgot everything I have learned. As I was walking to my car I saw a young girl sitting on the curb close to my car smoking a cigarette and she looked beat. Life has thrown her some tough times but she was beautiful. She felt ugly. She had no energy, no life force, just suffering with herself alone. So, I stopped and sat down next to her and talked for 10 mins. I gave her the energy I had just received and raised her spirits just enough to go back in. She said thanks for taking the time to talk to me and complimented me on my top. 😘 I told her how beautiful she was, everything is going to be okay and said well if you come back tomorrow I have an awesome green one that I’ll wear. Today my wife is taking me to get a pedicure 😊 for the first time ever together.
live the life. Be free. Ask for help and be the tree.
Usually I don’t dress up for Halloween because as a young adult I out grew it. But not this year because I I knew I wanted to go full girl for the first time. Thanks to some of my female friends they helped me lived out my dream. It felt so good to finally do what I always wanted. Had my nails and toes painted, makeover, wig, and heels. Also wore a long dress, it was so much fun to not just hang out with the girls but be one them too!
After a lengthy hiatus, I'm back. My move into my 55+ mobile home park went well, and after being here for almost a month, it appears that my new living arrangement will work out fine. The neighbours are very quiet and keep to themselves. for the most part--I have a mentally disturbed lady living next to me who is a challenge on occasion, but more on that at another time. I have met several other residents when I am out walking my dogs, and again, they are friendly but not overly so. This is fine with me because I am more or less a recluse by nature. I like people, but I am fine being on my own.
It has been a hectic couple of months what with selling the house and moving, and, oh yeah, work, so I haven't had much time to indulge my girly side. That is changing starting today. I have finally had some time to start going through all my dresser drawers and arranging and organizing them. I am finding all my feminine goodies along the way. it is a lot of fun--like Christmas. After a lifetime of semi-denial, I am admitting to myself that I am a sissy at heart. It is just who I am. I would have been happy with a dominant woman but through several wives and girlfriends either one of the other of us understood what it was all about. I am still learning myself. Anyway, it's helpful at this point to have a place to communicate my feelings to an empathetic audience. I will write more as the day progresses. It's pretty early in Florida right now.
Well I’m off on a trip. This is an annual get together with a bunch of guys that I have not seen in a long time. Well most of them. No one knows I’m transitioning but my visible appearance will cause a lot of questions. If anyone try’s to be offensive to me I will handle it. It will be an interesting experiment to see who does what. I was feeling fine but I started to get anxious about it in the last couple of days. I was trying to work it all out in my head. It was starting to be a problem. So, I did some serious meditation and talked with my therapist. My friends have helped me as well. I think I’ll be just fine. This trip will be over halloween and I really wanted to dress up as Hurley Quinn from suicide squad. I think I can kind of pull it off but I am nervous about doing it. Her character is fun to play. I guess I’ll have it ready to go and then decide. This would be a first time out like that. Hopefully all goes well. 😊 if I do dress all the way I will try to get to a club and see more reactions. This thing could flop or be fun. I’ll let you know what happens. ☺️🤞
Like most, I often subjected myself to attempting to reach my goals through "instant gratification," fad diet, etc., and following the realization in my initial blog, am attempting a more measured response to reach those goals. It's always hoped that any of this might help others in reaching their goals. My current plan as of this date is:
1. Mornings: Bowl of oatmeal (with a handful of dried fruit and nuts, no milk).
2. Diet Coke Zero through the day (yes, it's very bad for you but here's an interesting factoid: diet sodas are banned from facilities that handle bulimia and anorexia patients). The patients use it to control hunger pangs. I guess I do the same.
3. I avoid sugar after having seen the dangers of sugar in the wonderful film "That Sugar Film" though once in a while, a donut attacks me at the supermarket and I have to destroy it.
3. Dinner is a battle to exercise portion control, especially when it's comfort foods. Fast foods including pizza and take-out (Panda Express) are limited to around once every two-three weeks.
4. I found brushing my teeth helps to prevent most snacking late nights. (There is that occasional bowl of leftover mac & cheese with ham that is hard to resist).
5. As noted in my first blog post, I had purchased a bunch of supplements touted as helpful to move one to a more femme state. In combination, one of these supplements caused headaches so I am currently winnowing down the culprit. I am taking 2x550mg Puerific Mirifica for the past few days. No headaches yet but I will give it another day. If no headache, I will most likely add Fenugreek to my regimen and see how that does.
6. As noted in my first blog post, I wash with Lavender soap and use a homemade lotion consisting of 4 squirts of any carrier oil and 6 drops of Lavender essential oil. I massage these on my breasts and apply in what I believe are fast-absorbing areas such as armpits and groin.
7. I am planning to start drinking at least a quart of soymilk a day. I understand that this can have some desired breast developing effect.
8. Practicing with shoes. It's been over a year since I had last dressed I had ordered a pair of pointed black 3-inch heels. Finally received them. Owwwwwwwwwwwww. My feet seem to have grown and the size that had previously worked for me now is too tight in the toe area. I've managed to stretch the toe area out using thick socks and blow dryer but still can't walk for more than a minute without having to stop (Oddly, I can stand and the pain subsides quickly but walking...). This probably means round toed shoes from now on.
9. Horrors! I have been battling nose and ear hairs. The ear hairs I manage to pluck but the nose hairs can only be dealt with currently through cutting with a pair of small scissors. I am seriously considering laser or electrolysis for this but need to research as far as applying these treatments in the nasal area go. Depending on how TG-friendly the provider would be, I might also spring for a clearing of a particular area down there.
That's all for now,
This Dr. Jekyll and Mz. Hyde blog was started just to keep a diary of my attempt at "stealth mode" transformation to be more of the girl I wish to be. I realized I had not offered any background regarding my initial blog post so I am doing so here to help establish a baseline for my travails as Mz. Hyde seeks a return from purgatory. Be warned that it will more than likely be a very boring blog; I am a writer with some small success in that field and consequently tend to be somewhat verbose in my writing.
First off, I am a closeted and mature "gurl." I use "gurl" because as Dr. Jekyll, I am married to a woman and very straight-acting. When I become Mz. Hyde, I primarily enjoy socializing with other "gurls". I also enjoy men but only when I am Mz. Hyde. What started me down this wonderful path? That will be a blog for another time.
I am a transplant from the wonderful TG-resource-rich SF Bay Area to a state that is a TG-resource desert, to say the least. The move was motivated primarily for financial reasons, partly due to my SO's rapidly dwindling number of family members.
In preparation for the move, Dr. Jekyll unfortunately gave away all of Mz. Hyde's belongings and accessories. Dr. Jekyll's reasons were a great fear that certain moving boxes might be accidentally by opened by the SO. So despite Mz. Hyde's heartbreak, off everything went (though Dr. Jekyll did make sure to get the tax donation slips). Mz. Hyde was "somewhat" sure that she would be able to replace everything in her new location with the ease with which she had collected them in the SF Bay Area. (She frequented a very wonderful TG shop in San Jose, Carla's Social Club, which offered plenty of everything needed to discreetly keep Mz. Hyde happy).
Moved up to the state that will be unnamed (though you can see it in my profile) and discovered "Ooops," there are no TG-specific business. No place to comfortably try on an buy femme attire. There is one gay club that is also listed as TG-friendly, no TG social groups on Meetup and the suchlike, and there is a small LGBQT center. Mea culpa that Mz. Hyde has not gone to investigate those yet, but I'm sure she will... once she has recreated her wardrobe and accessories to her satisfaction that she will create a good first impression.
Instead, Mz. Hyde decided to post on Craigslist (this was right before Craigslist took down the "Personals" section). The ad was pretty simple; Mz. Hyde was a recent transplant. Mz. Hyde was a mature gurl, and while not Quasimodo's sister, was definitely not a member of the TG-"woofies" club. The ad stated Dr. Jekyll had disposed of Mz. Hyde's wardrobe and accessories, and Mz. Hyde was looking for hints and pointers from fellow ladies as to where to shop DISCREETLY and socialize DISCREETLY with others gurls. Also in the ad was the admonition specifically stating NOT LOOKING FOR SEX, just some contact and shopping information from others partaking in the delights of the TG world.
Well, I'm sure most of you have experienced what followed: a glut of admirer emails all asking for pics, sex, and the use of my residence for a discreet playdate IMMEDIATELY. A few admirers offered to go shopping with me provided Mz. Hyde was "passable" and "hot." Two "gurls" offered to meet to socialize if I provided femme attire for them to wear. A few "dick" pics. The few responses taken to be actual fellow sisters, all offered the same advice: buy online or steel yourself to the odd looks while perusing the women's sections in the thrift stores.
Soooo, a little bit here, a little bit there, all ordered online. Luckily I had held off ordering any outerwear. Then came the fat bulges and realizations noted in my first post.
Sigh. Anyway, that's where things are at for Mz. Hyde.
1. Discovered fat bulging from over and under the "wings" of a bra I had purchased online. Took stock of myself in a full-length mirror. Depression: my waist size is bigger than my hips. So, trying to lose girth and weight. Other than a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and nuts for breakfast, I do not eating during the day. Trying to focus on salads and soups for my evening meal but donuts, fast-food, and relative-supplied casseroles and dinners are often overwhelming late-night temptations. Sigh. Realizing that true weightloss comes from taking in less calories than you expend is easy; keeping that in mind and sticking to it is hard.
2. Dealing with my V-shaped body (wide shoulders, big chest, and what an acquaintance called "snake-hips.") I am contemplating focusing on doing only lower body muscle-building exercises to bulk up my thighs and rear while hoping muscle mass in the upper body might decrease somewhat (especially under my armpits).
3. Started a regimen of supplements, most notably Puerifica Mirifica, intended to move me somewhat towards a more feminine state. One or more of the supplements causes a bit of a nagging headache so I will be engaging in a bit of detective work to ferret out the culprit.
4. I make a lotion of lavender oil and body lotion which I massage into specific areas (but yes, focused on my chest), hoping to make some gain there. At this point in my life, I have developed "man-boobs," and am hoping for an increase in the size of the nipples to show that the lavender lotion is having any effect.
Mz. Hyde is impatient and has been perusing the hip and butt pad products available.
My wife started talking about our relationship and her feelings the other day. This was of course great and I pretty much just listened. Shoving peanut butter in my mouth seems to help with that. 😉. One thing she mentioned that was bothering her was: “your always on your phone or iPad, it’s like your not even here. Your just as bad as the kids”. What!....no I’m not. I started to get defensive but I caught myself quickly. Trying to come up with some elaborate logical ideas for me being on my phone I racked my brain. “Well I do watch a lot of seminars on YouTube you know, I have been learning a great deal about many topics” HA. Then I started telling her about telomeres at the end of the DNA strand which might be a key to the aging problem. Which is true by the way. I really do like to learn about all kinds of stuff rather then watch CSI or Big Bang theory or some other mindless show. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of those shows but only to decompress. Anyway, I stopped myself in mid stream and said “I didn’t realize I was doing that and I’ll be more aware of it from now on”. I have been pretty good so far but it made me think of something I read in “the gendered self”. I was re-reading it this morning and pow! Page 73,74. She wrote the following:
A little-known fact about both sexes migrating to living in the opposite gender role is that no matter what the direction of transition, transitioners seem to undergo a “second adolescence.” There is a marked retro shift in behavior from the adult they chronologically are toward temporarily acting more like a teenage boy or a teenage girl.
This second adolescence seems more marked for male-to-female individuals. Like cisgendered teenage girls, MTFs become very self-centered, are overly concerned with their appearance and often spend hours on the phone or online talking to others going through a similar experience. Spouses staying with their partners through the process complain about this frustrating aspect of the transition more than any other. Behavior befitting a teenage girl does not seem to sit well with a significant other when practiced by a 40- or 50-year-old partner.
Crap. That’s me. I’m a teenage girl! Or acting like one anyway. Busted. So, I have set up time for everything. Time management. But I just can’t help myself sometimes. Lol 😂 On the plus side I understand my kids a bit more so that is cool.
I didn’t see any of this coming....what’s next I get cranky once a month? Sometimes I can be a bit of an mule.
life is great and what an adventure!
So it’s been a big week for this kid 🧒 I had my wife go to therapy with me. Then she made her own appointment for 2 days later and that went well also. She is talking to me more about life in general, and just a bit of GID stuff. Cool 😎. Then I went to a meeting for the first time ever with my parents. That went pretty well considering they have had no contact with transgender people. (That they were aware of). So heck we are on a roll! Why not come out to my sister! So I did. I called her with the intent to just talk and cheer her up, she was down on Saturday when we were texting. I haven’t spent much time on the phone with her lately and wanted to catch up anyway. We were talking about regular life subjects and she has also been aware of my drinking and how it effected my marriage. As a side note the drinking issue disappeared completely after opening up and excepting that I was transgender. Hrt helped as well. That’s huge. The marriage also improved. My sister started asking questions about the relationship and as I was filling her in. I found myself having to be vague about things. Namely the stress load my wife is under. I didn’t like the way it was making me feel so I just told her. She went silent for a second probably because I am a bit of a jokester but then realized I was being serious. I gave her the whole rundown on my life and how it effected me. It all went very well as I figured it would because she is a strong lbgt supporter. She actually started to cry at one point because she felt so bad that I had to endure so much pain for so long. I let her know I appreciated her empathy and it was making me emotional. Then I told her to cut it out. I am finally happy with myself and everything else had to happen. I have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. Even if we don’t stay together we will be just fine in the long run. I think the thing that really hit home with her was the fact that I had to except the fact that in order to be free I might lose everything I love. She seemed to reflect on that for a bit. Honestly it went as well as I could hope for. I sent her some information to help her get a better understanding of what this all means and will follow up with her tomorrow. She said “I always wished I had a sister”. Well you kind of got your wish. We both laughed. I know she will have a fare amount of questions in the future and I am looking forward to that. So all in all, it was really great week and I feel proud of how far I come but I always know that life has it ups and downs. This has also had a little side effect that I didn’t see coming, the desire to present in a more feminine manner has increased. I like that. Also today when I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror as I always do there was something different. Maybe it’s just in my head but I looked more female than male. I really had to stop and look. My legs, my butt, hips, waist, ribs, chest, arms, neck, face and hair. Wow. I was starting to see the future me. I think? Anyway it really made my day and probably is why I wanted to dress it up a notch. Now.....who can I tell next?
So, the Pflag meeting (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) went well. They should add a T in there but hey who am I to mess with the system. I have been to this meeting before and there are some really great people there. I wanted to give my parents a chance to see and meet some other parents as well as some transgender people. They have been asking for guidance. It is a diverse group and I see some of the individuals at other groups. Everyone is really nice. Except when they start spitting fire at the right then it gets ugly. Anyway, my mom was noticeably uncomfortable from the moment I saw them in the parking lot. I pulled them aside and said that they didn't have to go or they could leave at anytime but she insisted on going. She asked very nervously "What should we call you?" so I explained that they could refer to me how ever they like. It doesn't matter to me at all. "you can't make any mistakes with me, he, she, her, him it just doesn't bother me in the least." "I'll let you know when and if it ever does become important, but for know just relax." Some people will care about their pronouns but they will let you know what they want. "even if you make a mistake with someone else they will understand because you are just learning all this stuff." They get it. My dad on the other hand was completely fine with everything. Totally cool and was engaged in the conversations. My mom could barely speak which is not like her at all. Remember they have had zero experience with the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx community. They are very nice people and my mom spends all her time helping other people. She really does more than anyone I have ever met. She was raised Catholic and still goes to church every week. I was raised Catholic but I don't believe in a punishing God and will only go with her once and a while because it makes her happy. I am a very spiritual person though and I hold nothing against the churches of the world at all. I let that one go a long long long time ago. The majority of the people are good. My dad was raised in the same fashion. Both of their lives were dealt a heavy duty blow very young and the trauma for both of them was and still is great. They are troopers though and looked inside themselves to find the strength to get through life and what a great job they did. Dad will not go into a church anymore except when it is super important for my mom, but the fear that he may just catch on fire is still present. LOL My father doesn't really judge anyone, unless they are doing something really stupid that will cause undo harm. My mom will. All the time. Everyday. but she is oblivious to this fact no matter how many times my siblings and I have tried to help her in this matter. Years and years. I'm the only one that has not given up on her and she is getting closer to seeing this. So this was a big moment for her...know wonder she was sooo fearful. She was going to have to take a close look at her judgements and the first one was great. We walked into the room (mom all shy) and some of my friends were already sitting around chatting. I went and said hello and then introduced them to my parents. One friend is 6'8" tall and very masculine in voice and appearance but she is super nice and she talked with me at some of my first meetings. Nice girl, and she is still married so I was asking some questions on that when we met. One of my other friends is about a year and a half into her transition and looks really good but still obviously male, great make up still working on the pitch but still married as well. Another one that is 19 and wants to tear down the walls of injustice because she has it figured out and drapes the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx Flag over herself like a military suit. She is nice as well but just young and I am worried that she is going to piss off the wrong people very soon as she gets bolder. Seriously, I am worried for her. My dad met everyone with a "hey nice to meet ya" kind of greeting and my mom just said hello. Oh yeah, they were both dressed very nicely like they were going out to a fancy restaurant while everyone else is very casual. I told them to come casual but.... My dad was a bit taken back by my big friend, kind of like holy shi.. wow but "hey nice to meet ya." My mom was like a little church mouse, prim and proper always making sure to smile and be kind. We all shared how we came out and what it was like and then the other parents gave there point of view on their experiences. Today is national coming out day so that was the topic. The meeting ended and there was a cake for the young rebel who was celebrating a year since coming out as TG but my parents were out the door quickly. I walked them out and had a long talk with them outside for awhile trying to help them understand some things. My parents did very well for their first meeting and said they will come back for the next one. I also explained that everyone is different and transition means different things for different people. "I am me, and you know who I am on the inside" so don't confuse me with others. Please. They said they would support me no matter what and will always be there for me with nothing but love. So, that's cool. It's going to take some time for both of them to wrap their heads around this but we will work on that. I'm sure my mother was preying for me last night and today. Cool by me. I will post about what happens in the future. NEXT up....well it is coming out day so I guest I'll call my sister. I am pretty nervous about this but it should go fine. I was hoping to do it in person but that doesn't seem like it will workout. I'm not going to push it I guess, I will just start with a Hello and go from there.😍
Christy or maybe.....Kerry? That's another story.
So I’ve been trying my best to get out of my own way. I took some advice from people here and from my therapist. I was having a hard time letting go of my own desire to make my marriage work. My wife had become very quiet and she was avoiding me in little ways. This started to make me anxious. Oh no she is going to call it quits!? I calmed myself down and remembered what everyone was telling me. Give her space. She needs time. She is transitioning too. Yes, I understand all of that and agree but it was tough for me to let go. So I used some tools that I’ve picked up along the way and finally let go. Truly let go. It was a relief and kind of sad as well because a piece of me felt like I was giving up on my marriage. I stuck with it, working out all the bugs in my own head. Well most of them anyway. Time went by. Then on Monday my wife asked if she could come to my therapy appointment. Wow 😮. Yes of course you can I would love for you to join me. Then we talked about the things she has been thinking about and I just listened letting her know that I was paying close attention to what she was saying. I added a couple of my thoughts but mostly just listing. This is difficult for me as I am a chatter box but I’ve been working on that as well. I have spent a lot of time working on the family relationships getting my kids to open up about their lives and my parents as well. All that work has been paying off amazingly and everyone seems to be doing really good. I hate calling it work by the way. Anyway, I think my wife is finally starting to realize that this is not going away so she took a step down an unknown road full of fear. When I met her at the therapist office she was panicking and I could see she was scared. I reassured her that everything was going to be okay and if she wanted to leave at any point she could. I would understand. She stayed and we had one of the most honest talks ever. She was open, I was open and the therapist interjected at seemingly just the right time. It was great, by the end she was feeling better and she actually made her own appointment to help her with the stress. She is there right now! She had been so worried that I was going to start talking about being transgender at any moment that she couldn’t be close to me. So she just pulled away and kept herself busy with other things. She said that even watching tv was a problem because there were transgender issues all over the place. News, tv shows etc. We both started laughing and being able to see humor in it helped a lot. She understands that she is hyper sensitive to the topic but was also amazed at how she glossed over transgender content before. Never really taking notice. I think a lot of people are like that. We also set some ground rules for ourselves, you have to ask before bringing it up. If the other person says no, then the conversation must wait until they are open to it. This set her mind at ease. So thanks to you all! You have helped me greatly and get this...I leave in a bit for a PFlag group meeting with my parents! Wow! I am a bit nervous about that but hey I’m going. I’ll let you know how that turns out. 😍 This will be the first time they see a tiny bit of Christy so I am going to girl it up just a hair. I want them to be as comfortable as possible. What a night!😊
The Headlines Are As Stunning As They Are Frequent
An article by Corrine Goodwin for "The GayJournal Magazine"
"Trump's transgender military ban 'worse than don't ask, don't tell,' advocates say."
U.S. rolls back protections for transgender prison inmates
Trump administration dismantles LGBT-friendly policies
Health care new front for transgender rights under Trump
In fact, the only thing that seems to happen more frequently than these headlines are the tweets emanating from the White House. The result is that almost every time I log-on to my computer or turn on my phone I prepare myself for the worst.
Surround yourself with people who will cheer you on!
It's More Than the Political Climate
It goes beyond the politics of Trump and LGBTQ issues. You can't turn on the TV or the radio without hearing about the latest Hollywood scandal or sports star who has run amok. If you pick up the local paper you read about corrupt business people and politicians. But the worst - without a doubt - is Facebook and the ongoing barrage of memes and articles.
I, of course, am a guilty party. I post news articles (I hope from legitimate news sites) and like the occasional snarky meme. But what I have learned not to do is to lull myself into thinking I am going to change anyone's mind about issues in that forum. Long ago, I discovered that no matter how many responses I might write to a post that I disagree with I am not going to suddenly gain a convert.
The result of all this bad news can be challenging. I see it during our Renaissance Transgender Support Group meetings (www.renaissancelv.org) during social events, in emails, phone conversations and, of course, on Facebook - feelings of despair, powerlessness and even depression. Some people cope by ignoring the issues. Some simply become numb to it all. Other individuals focus on the fight. But in all of these cases I see one thing in common - a lack of optimism.
Don't Dwell on Problems - Instead Find People Who Will Help You to Win!
While not inevitable, a better future is possible. Working together we can build it and shape it. But in order to do so we need to surround ourselves with good people - people who will cheer us on.
Cheerleaders are everywhere if you look for them. They tend to be future-focused, positive in their outlook, happy with themselves, they work to overcome challenges, and they find ways to enrich their lives. They are people that will inspire you to be a better person, provide you with motivation to achieve your goals, empower you to make the changes you need to succeed and cheer on your successes.
They may be family members, friends, coworkers, or even the server you see every week at your local coffee shop or neighborhood bar.
How Do You Find Cheerleaders?
One answer is to exude a sense of optimism yourself. If you show a sense of optimism and positivity people will be attracted to you. Another tactic is to get active. Seek out causes that get you energized. Try to make a positive difference each day - even if it is with just one person. For me, I get positive feelings from teaching others and volunteering.
By the way, cheerleaders don't have to have similar interests or goals as you. In fact - hanging with too manly people who have the same worldview can be suffocating. Instead, seek out diversity while looking for positive influences.
Pride Season - The Perfect Time to Start
Speaking of diversity and positivity, your local Pride Festival is a great place to find your cast of cheerleaders. You will be surrounded by people who understand and empathize with the struggles and challenges being a LGBTQ person and you will find that many of them have overcome adversity. That means that you can learn from their journeys and experience while taking in the sights and sounds of our wonderfully diverse community
So, during your next Pride even, look around. Cheerleaders are everywhere. Seek them out. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Then, get active and make a difference!
Our "Inner Circle". A comment about inner circle recently that caused me to ponder further the meaning of the "inner circle" that each of us have. I have heard of this term throughout my life of 64 years, and also pondered it's meaning to me. My inner circle presumably is comprised of my true self, my thoughts, actions, expectations, goals, fears, regrets, my coping mechanisms, accomplishments and failures, those good and bad things in my own psyche, judged only by my own mind. I guard mine closely from attack from outside sources, other people, society, etc., because it is not considered "normal" by others' standards or there own "inner circle", nor exactly coincide with society' norms. No one's inner circle can be totally congruent with anyone else's and certainly not society as a whole. Yet a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind. I don't believe that anyone will ever totally enter my inner circle; oh, I may allow others to approach it, but most will never get very close, a very few may. The closest to it was my wife. but she never really stepped into it because she never knew of my dysphoria. The opportunity for that, unfortunately, has passed.
As I continue on life, others will approach my inner circle but truly they will not be permitted in, unless I believe they are worthy of it and a very high level of trust is formed. That is not a bad thing, just a reality in preserving my self worth and being and general happiness. While I hope someone may come closer than my wife did, none ever may and I'd be good with that, too. I'm at peace with my inner circle and that is what matters.
Tomorrow I start Therapy again. Its been a few years since I went to a therapist. With everything I have had on my plate it's a good thing for me to go. I need to have someone to talk with that isn't in my daily life. Well Heck that would be anyone lol since I don't talk to anyone at all daily. I am very withdrawn from society and people in general. Everyone in my life has always been so mean. I seem to attract mean and selfish users. Anyways I am hoping this will help me begin to realize I am fine. I am who I am. And maybe help me get to where I need to be.
After all these weeks and months, I finally made the move. My house actually was under contract by the end of August, and, as I wrote before, I found a mobile home for the princely sum of $15,000. I put $5,000 down to take possession and started moving in during September. I made the final move on October 1. The closing was October 2, and the money was in the bank--big sigh of relief. I have spent the past week unpacking an making a home for myself. So far, I couldn't be happier. I didn't realize how much I needed to make a break from the past and be my own man/woman. The mobile home park is a 55+ and quiet. I met one neighbor a couple of days ago when she came over to offer me dinner--I begged off. Her boyfriend is back now, so maybe I'm off the hook for now. I can't exactly parade around in my finery, at least not as yet. It's pretty quiet at 5 in the morning when I walk the dogs. I will get braver. Right now, I just feel good, and that's all that matters. Hope everyone is doing well. Hugs and Kisses.
I think names are significant. I don't particularly care for labels, however. But names we like, names we choose, those that "sound" good to us often have much meaning as to where we've been, whom we've met , where we want to go, what appeals to us, and what we would like to be, and says a lot about our own perception of our personality.
One of the first realizations that we are going to transition comes to us when we choose a name. Some of us choose early in life, some later in life, but most often the names we choose appeal to us in a peaceful and self-content sort of way and carry us through a lifetime and end up being a permanent part of us when we first decide to transition and through our transition. It is a name we choose to become and love within our minds, not one that is given to us at birth.
I chose Jessica. And I chose it early on in life and has more or less stuck with me for more than 55 years. Oh, I've considered others on occasion, but always returned to Jessica as my name. Why??? I'm not really sure. Perhaps back in 4th grade it comes from a crush on a girl named Jessica who liked to be called Jess, too. It was just a crush, mind you, long before the onset of puberty for both of us. I didn't know her well, she was not in any of my classes, but we both looked forward to going to the lunch cafeteria and talking together while we had our 30 minute lunch. She was awesome to me, I liked her, she liked me and we loved talking to each other. Well we moved onto 5th grade and never had the opportunity to talk again, but I still liked the names Jessica and Jess. To me it sounds feminine, maybe it was my first realization of the differences between masculinity and femininity.
Funny thing happened last Wednesday! Went to my dentist and had a great time, which is not something you would typically expect when you have a dentist appointment. I sat in the waiting room for some 20 minutes and discreetly, and I say discreetly, because I don't want to creep anyone out, was taking a mental note of other woman's mannerisms in the waiting room, when the dentist's assistant called me in. She was new, never saw her before, and she warned me she was new at this, asking me to bear with her. She was very nervous, but had a great personality, we got along great, as I helped her with the placement of the plates for each x-ray. I told her to take her time, I have my whole life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it.. Have had a lot of experience at the dentist.
When my dentist came in to review the x-rays, she said to the dentist that I should be named the patient of the year and I told the dentist when I come back for my work I wanted her to assist. Now I always try to remember names of people I meet and when I can't I'm not shy in asking again someone's name. So I'm getting ready to leave and I ask, I'm sorry I didn't get your name? She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry! My name's Jessica, You can call me Jess!" I should have figured that one out☺️
I'm posting this in the hopes that it may help someone.
I've talked a little bit about the type of upbringing I had. It was not a pleasant one. When I was 18 I went thru 2 traumatic events within a day and a half of each other. After being abused my whole life and then that, I snapped. I started getting high. At first it was small stuff. Grass mainly. Then that didn't cut it. So I started doing other things. Blow, angel dust, acid, x, and many other things. I even tried molly and black tar. Both scared the ever living *expletives deleted* out of me. I never smoked black tar again, but I was stupid enough to to go skiing a couple more times. There was a guy I paired up with. We would always pool our money together to get the "good stuff". We got our money from many criminal activities. I'm not sure if I can name them here, but I'm sure you know what they are. If we didn't have the money for the good stuff we would go to the grocery store and pick up a certain item to get high. This item would send you flying for 3 days straight with just a little bit of use. The scariest part about it was the crash. You didn't come down gradually like you do with kush. Imagine an airplane flying along. It stops at one point and just drops faster than the speed of light straight down. The crash off this item could easily kill, if not physically then mentally. I've seen many people end up in mental institutions off one use of this because of the crash.
There was an old house that we stayed in with a lot of other junkies. If someone was to pass me something I wasn't familiar with, or I was too high to recognize, I only had 2 questions. "How do I take it" and "How long until it kicks in". There was no power or running water. So it was lit by candle light. Candles were always stolen. Money was for drugs.
I'm sure you're wondering how it was that I got clean.
My friend ( I swear to the Gods I don't remember his name) and I were coming down off something, and I have no idea what it was. I was strung out on the couch. He was standing up in front of me talking. All of a sudden he got this really weird look on his face. He was dead before he hit the ground. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life, before or since. And I doubt I ever will again.
Watching him die hit me like a locomotive. I quit right then and there, cold turkey. Quitting that way was a stupid idea. I didn't go to rehab, because I was scared that I would go to prison for the things I had done to get money to get high. I lived in any kind of shelter I could find that people weren't getting high in. Most of the time I was so sick I puked up everything in my stomach, and when that was all gone, I puked up the stomach acid. If I wasn't sick I was in so much physical pain I wanted to die. Just to get away from that pain. I'm not going to lie, I relapsed a few times. Just for a release from the sickness and pain. It took me almost 2 years to get clean the way I did, and I barely survived. How I survived I don't know.
I lost 2 years of my life. I get bits and pieces here and there from that time, but almost nothing. That's 2 years I'll never get back. Plus the 2 years it took me to get clean. So make that 4 years. And there's no telling how many years have been taken off my life. With all the chemicals I put in my body It's very possible I may not make it to 40 and I'm 36 right now.
I still have flashbacks. Here and there, My mind goes completely blank, and I'm high again, even though I haven't touched anything. Not even alcohol.
For somewhere around 10 years after I got clean I was so terrified of drugs I wouldn't even take an Advil if I had a headache. I would just deal with the pain until it went away on it's own.
People I knew got married, some had kids, and some passed. Yet I didn't know and missed it all because I was too damn high. I stopped existing. Where was I? I don't know, and most likely never will. And to be honest, I don't even want to.
So if you're getting high, take my story so that it hits you like a brick to get yourself clean. If you aren't getting high, let this be a reminder of why to never try it. Getting high is lethal. It can and will kill you eventually. Or it may be someone you love that dies. But there will be a life lost. And it's due to your drug abuse.
Another sign from the Universe!
This happened not to long after the event in my previous blog post. There had been enough time for me to really think about the desire to be female and what this meant to me. I still had no idea that people could transition from male to female. I knew nothing about HRT or surgeries except that maybe some people just cut it off with some form of stitched up hole. I know that sounds crude but it was the truth. I tried to learn more from the library but I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for help so I just fumbled around without much success. In the meantime, I was pushing for all male with muscles and I was ripped. I was terrified that my roommates would figure out my secret and then tell everyone back home, making it impossible for me to return. What would my family think? Friends? Crap…no way. I was very cautious and I started to distance myself from acting as well which is a shame because I really enjoyed it. I belonged to the BH playhouse for a while to expand my range and practice. I had a shell around me that I had built up over the years and it was thick. My acting coach was pushing me to open up but I was too afraid and I fought her on it. I also didn’t really know how to. One day she was able to get me to open up just a bit during an exercise in class. I was supposed to walk in circles in front of the class and present all the emotions I could think of. Reflect on my life and show those emotions to the world. My Coach “Joselin” (I’m pretty sure that was her name) was pushing me as I walked the circle. “Show me Joy, sad, fear”, she said as I circled the stage. My circle was becoming wider and wider with every loop. Then she yelled “show me anger!” Boom. What came out of me was complete rage to the point that it scared her and the others in the class. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me as well. The crazy thing is I really enjoyed it. I felt some sort of control and release that was new to me and that scared me the most. She told me after class how well I did and how powerful my performance was. “Great job”. I never went back and I never took another act gig. I was terrified of what might come out and I needed to protect my secret at all costs. So, I focused on really dangerous stuff like riding my motorcycles around the canyons and up the PCH at ridiculous speeds. Riding Mulholland hwy. (which is really just a twisty 2 lane road on the mountain range) at speeds so fast that the hot race tires slid across hot pavement which I didn’t even think was possible. But there I was fighting my demons the only way I knew how too. I had to concentrate so hard on riding that I couldn’t think about anything else, it was extreme focus that gave me a super endorphin rush. I then started stunt work. Why not. After taking some stunt jobs and making my way into the super macho men’s world, where guys where tough as nails and could kick butt I was feeling like yeah this will work. This is my path, still in the entertainment business with all the perks but none of the crap. Great. That is when the universe laid another one at my feet. I was still working at night in a club as a Bouncer/Bartender/Waiter/Manager to make ends meet as I built up more stunt jobs and my roommate worked at the same club. I had the night off and was just planning to hang out at home and my roommate was working so cool I will just relax. After he got off work early he called me. “Dude, Dude you have to come down here now. There are 2 super-hot girls in the club from Las Vegas and they want to hang out but I need a wing man for the blonde one. She is smokin!” he screamed into the phone. I said no but he droned on about how I can’t let him down “You owe me dude” which I did. So, I agreed to go down and check it out but if she wasn’t “Smokin” I was going to be pissed. I get to the club to meet up with them. He was not lying they were really beautiful and I was feeling like this is going to be a good night. They were both very nice and I was having a nice time with them but something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something. All the other guys were hitting on them as well but no one really stepped on my toes, they were just flirting. The more we hung out the more I started to think there was something off about her but she was so beautiful. Nobody else seemed to notice anything weird so I rolled with it and was excited about what might happen. Then someone from work asked if I could lend a hand with someone at the door so I excused myself for a minute. When I was helping out, another girl from work pointed out that the blonde girl is a transsexual show girl from Las Vegas that has fully changed her sex. I don’t remember how she knew but she knew all about her. Another girl said no way! I was like holy crap and I was so excited about it. That explains it and I wanted to ask a million questions but no. That was it for me I had to leave. So, I politely excused myself told my buddy I was leaving and went home. This whole time at the club was about an hour. I could take no chances that anyone finds out that I really wanted to be her. I was too afraid. I was so pissed at myself for leaving, for being weak, for not having the courage. I went home, did a couple of shots, smoked some buds and convinced myself that I made the correct decision. Over. Done. I’ll never see them again anyway. I was just about to hop in bed when the front door flies open and there they are in my kitchen. My roommate brought them home! Shi…..! Now I am all buzzed and relaxed so I proceed to hang out with them. They were doing shots and smoking weed and we had a blast. Then the blonde girl asked me if I would take her up to the roof pool to check out the view and smoke a bowl as the other two went into the bedroom. I said sure. So, there I was sitting on a lounge chair next to this beautiful woman with our legs rubbing smoking a bowl of weed. Good smooth weed at that. Anyway, she looked me in the eye’s really close and put her hand on my thigh. They were so blue and beautiful that they sparkled. At that moment, I knew she was giving herself to me, however I wanted it to be. I couldn’t speak. Nothing would come out of my mouth. She had this sexy blue dress and a slamming nice body but I couldn’t speak. There was a heated pool and a hot tub right behind me and not another soul around. Any other night I would have already been in the hot tub. A million thoughts ran through my head, I really wanted to kiss her, have sex, feel her chest, ask questions, how did you change? Were you really a boy? When did you do this? Can you help me do this? Was it painful? Do you have a vagina? What is it like? Does it work? Did your boobs grow? Are they implants? Help me Please I want to be Like you!!!! I want to be a girl too!!!! I was so scared that I started to shake a bit. If I start down this path will I be able to stop when I want? I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t breathe. At this point she realized that I wasn’t comfortable and started talking about other things. Small talk really. I am pretty sure that she knew I knew and didn’t want to freak me out so she asked if there was a rest room. So, back to the apartment and then shortly after the other girl wanted to leave and I passed out on my bed. She was gone. I can picture her face and eye’s so clearly in my mind. I have never forgotten that beautiful girl, that opportunity I missed and I still regret it. A couple of years later she was featured on Entertainment Tonight with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. I just happened to be watching at that moment with my new live in girlfriend. My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe it and I turned to looked at my beautiful girlfriend who was standing there in her panties with a smile. I have tried to find a copy of that show but to no avail. The next one will be shorter....I think.
An old regret of a missed opportunity for me to learn who and what I was is the topic. Of which I have many. This one I have released to the universe. I have described this one a bit in the past but I will go into more details than before and hopefully you can see the profound meaning that it had. Which I sensed at the time but didn’t truly realize until I admitted to myself I was transgender.
I was 21 living Hollywood California on N Fuller Ave. in an apartment building called “The Pinnacle”. I did not choose this building personally it just worked out that way. The building was nice and new and I loved living there. I had been dressing in secret since I was 7 or 8 and by this point I knew I really wanted to be a girl but didn’t understand why. (Or that it was possible) I thought I had a fetish or was just perverse and was full of shame living on N Fuller Ave. I slowly started meeting many people and with the whole hair band craze going on I felt comfortable to try and experiment with tight jeans that were more androgynous and tops. I started letting my hair grow out and wear eyeliner. I of coarse really loved it and had some girlfriends that helped me. Some of them were models and I freakin loved the way they looked. There was no judgments about this because it was a rocker kind of thing and the girls liked it. I hooked up with a lot of super hot girls during this time but was always cautious about who I hooked up with. AIDS (HIV) which was the term used back then was a big deal and almost considered a slow death sentence. I thought I was living the dream and the life of a rock star. Which I kind of was but with out the fame. I wanted to move forward with presenting myself in a more female way but when I pushed it I received blowback from my male roommates and some friends. Statements like dude what the f.... are you wearing. There was a lot of testosterone and homophobia/transphobia during this time. I also didn’t know if I was gay. Was I?? Is that what this is?? During this time I had one sexual experience with a man but I didn’t go looking for it. It was a casting couch thing where he promised me something if I let him give me a blow job. I did and I had an orgasm very quickly but hated the experience.u I couldn’t believe I allowed this to happen and it messed me up in the head for years. I became extremely homophonic and said to myself “no freakin way” so I pushed the macho man forwgard big time making every effort to distance myself from being gay. I built my body to an even higher level. I was ripped and proud of it plus it gave me access to more girls. I never look at guys and thought they were attractive anyway. I actually thought guys were disgusting. Penises and hairy..... yuck. So what the hell does this MEAN! and the fear grew. There was one club that I would go to every now and then called “Peanuts” on Santa Monica Blvd. which had a so called “straight night” and I would only go if someone else suggested it. I did get to see and meet some transgender people there or cross dressing boys or transvestite‘s or whatever they were. I did understand the difference about any of it and was so full of fear and shame that I could barely speak at times but I could dance. I was apparently pretty good and girls liked to dance with me. One night I was dancing with 2 really cute girls and having a blast. My friends were striking out with the ladies and wanted to leave but they were my ride. I could walk home from there and really I knew I was going to hook up with the 2 girls. Yeah! 2 girls! Golden! “You guys suck I’m not going anywhere are you guys crazy?!” The environment was awesome anyway I was doing shots with David Lee Roth just minutes earlier at the bar for crying out loud! This was when he was at the height of his career and kind of like a legend. So I stayed and they left. I started getting closer to the 2 girls and then we were talking with music blasting so we were right up next to each other. Cheek to cheek. I was extremely attracted to both of them they were funny and just great. At the end of the night the music stopped and the lights came up a bit I realized they weren’t girls. They were boys with boobs. I was freakin fascinated! But terrified at the same time. Did they have a hairy penis? Yuck. Is it possible to get that changed to a vagina? I might have heard something about that on Phil Donahue or somewhere else but holy crap “what do I do!?!” Run. I ran like the wind all the way back home literally. Cursing this deception, this trick they played on me as I tried to convince myself I couldn’t be attracted to them. But I was and I started to think more and more and more about it. I regretted not being brave enough when that opportunity was placed at my feet. It might have saved me a lot of suffering and I probably would have had a much better night too. 😊 Everything happens for a reason so oh well and I let it go.
But that’s not all the universe had planned for me...
Shortly after that another opportunity was laid at my feet and I had absolutely nothing to do with it...... I don’t think there could have been a better way for the universe to speak to me.