Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized that my history and current feelings were. I so was terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing),
After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (am right no thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently).
While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work.
I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers.
As always, all my love,
When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition. Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret. At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman," however, her question started my mind stirring. I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it. I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times. Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed. In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo.
I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure. Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react.
I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather. These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime.
If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts. But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path.
I thank you for all your support,
Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better.
Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT).
I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.
This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently!
I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know.
Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend.
So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do". I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know.
I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk.
I started plotting.
I put my wig and brand new red jacket - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove.
I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods.
Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain.
So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee.
It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back.
It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try.
Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗
I’m not sure what to write right now but I felt the need to get something out of me. I don’t know what exactly so here it goes.
I think maybe I have been drained of energy from trying so hard to keep my family together and help my parents who are struggling with the aging process as well as my transition. I also think that I am a bit sad that I wasn’t able to come out to my brother and sister in-law when they were here. It would have put my wife under to much pressure and she needs less stress. It was a perfect time for me to do it though, except for my wife. I am 99.9% positive that they will be supportive but we had a great time anyway. Even my mom and sister were surprised at my decision not to tell them but said that they understood why I didn’t. I didn’t think it would have effected me this much but I guess my body and brain are just tapped out. I do feel pretty good about my transition in general though. Work is going well except for some frustrating aspects that have nothing to do with gender, friends are good, family is good except for my wife’s struggling. I just had a physical and I’m in great health. I am so happy with the hrt injections, it’s much easier for me to manage and the results are impressive compared to the pills (that’s just my experience). My GP is definitely ignorant about transgender people though but I knew that already. He was hooking me up to the ekg monitor and ask how the hrt was going. I told him everything and then he said “so, how long do you have to take hrt to get where you want to be? Are you getting close? When will you stop?” (As he puts the sticky’s on my chest 😂) I said “nooooo, it’s forever doc” and explained everything to him, he was surprised and seemed a little embarrassed. I guess that did bum me out a bit that he has taken no effort to understand his clients needs after a year+. I am now searching for a new GP. 😂 I mean all in all though things are going much better than I had ever anticipated so I find myself searching for an answer to the feeling that something is not quite right. I know I’m in the middle of this transition and that will cause doubts with a lot of loose ends but it is something else. I have looked back at the past couple of months and one of the things that seems to be consistent is I get this feeling at the end of the work week. I seem to get this feeling around Thursday or Friday for the past month ish. I thought I was just fatigued from the work week but it’s also the day I take the injections (Friday). So maybe it’s just the ups and downs of hrt? I will keep track of that and make some changes if necessary. This time of year is also when everyone from the north comes to visit and escape the cold. It’s fun to have visitors but its also tiring making sure that everyone has a positive experience. I also don’t have as much time to be me with everyone around. Having visitors also adds to my wife’s stress level as she is probably worrying about whether someone will say something. I am tired of hiding who I truly am but in all honesty, I’m not really hiding that much in my everyday life. I’m just not opening up about it and no one has really asked any direct questions. It was funny because the other day I went to the local Lowe’s to pick up some supplies for a project and I was in guy mode, just in case I ran into someone I knew. I grabbed a cart and was walking down the first isle with my baseball cap and sunglasses still on. The first employee (a woman about 55) that walked by said “hello ma’am can I help you find anything?” I was thrown off for a split second because here I was trying to dude it up and she saw me as female. I said “oh no thanks I’m fine” with a quick shift to a female voice and kept walking. (I think I pulled it off) On the inside I said “oh crap!😬 I can’t even be in guy mode anymore! That was quickly followed by a real sense of peace and joyous energy. Wow! Holy cow! I’m finally getting there! It was a wonderful feeling that lasted for the rest of the day.
I guess being in this flux area is burning up more mental energy than I have to burn. I am having to put more energy into making decisions about everything rather than just living life but that moment allowed me to just accept the change. If I can’t really pass as a guy then I might as well just say screw it and just be myself. That’s of course easier said than done though. I also know that going through another puberty does sap more energy and I probably need to get a nap in once and awhile. I have put together some great outfits that I really like and can’t wait to wear them 😁 but I haven’t been able to yet. 😔 I’ll make it a point to do wear my favorite one on Monday when I go to a tg group meeting. I guess I just feel the need to push myself a bit further right now but with my wife struggling I find it harder to do. What can I do today to let some of this out?🤔 I’ll go for a run/walk and then decide I guess.
Well the exercise did help (man endorphins are great) and then I did some work so that was good. My body is really starting to shape up, except for a bit of belly fat but I am getting closer to my goals😊 and the corset training really helps. This inspired me to dress in some clothes that showed my figure and I liked the way I looked and felt. I did get a call from one of my close FTM/fluid friends on my way home from work and she is struggling with her wife. She is really down so I spent some energy building her up and offered to meet her later in the day but she couldn’t. I was a little glad because I just didn’t have the bandwidth for it at the time. So I decided to take a nap followed by a long meditation. I needed to recharge. I had given my wife some space all day and when she came home from running errands I was just coming out of meditation. She was like a different person! Happy, energetic and pleasant, not distant at all. She even made it a point to pick up some things for me while she was out. I didn’t ask for anything and then she made a wonderful dinner for the family. 🤔 After dinner we spent time as a family around the fire pit roasting marshmallows, making s’mores and listening to classic rock music. We had a great time bonding and seeing if the kids could identify the old school artists. (We’ve been exposing them to old school music lately) They did better than we expected 😊. Then the kids went inside and we stayed by the fire talking and singing a bit. It was really nice. She had a couple of glasses of wine as the night progressed which allowed her to relax and open up. We talked about life and all the people that are coming to visit but nothing trans related. She was comfortable and that was nice to see even with the clothes I was wearing. (I totally looked like a tomboy) We let the fire burn down and went inside to watch a movie for a bit and then she became fidgety during the movie. So rather than asking her anything about it I decided to let it go and give her a kiss good night, then I went to bed. I think she might have become fidgety because we were talking about our upcoming guests and her father is coming this weekend for 4 days. We were discussing what we should do with her father as far as entertainment and asking the children what their thoughts were. Of course everyone wants to go to the beach and she told me before that she was worried about how I would look at the beach now that I have boobs, girly butt and very little body hair. I haven’t shaved my legs or armpits for awhile just Incase this came up so I should be able to cover up things a bit. I will still look very different though. (I must say that l do really want to shave it all off and maybe that’s bugging me but it’s just hair and not the end of the world) I will ask her if this is bothering her and I will also try on some beach attire to see what she thinks. I may have to bail out on the beach and just go to work but we will see. A big part of me just wants to let it all hangout so to speak and let the chips fall where they may but that’s probably a bit selfish. Her father has not seen me for a year and a half so he’s in for a bit of a shock anyway and that might be enough to chew on. He is very judgmental. 🤔 Maybe that’s what’s bugging me? The thought of having to deal with him is not something I am looking forward to. I’m going to have to talk with my wife and therapist about this and get their opinion on it. Anyway that’s my thoughts 😘
Saratoga Pride is an LBGTQ group outside of my hometown but close enough that I thought it would be worthwhile to check out. I stumbled upon it from meeting Amy a few weeks ago. They were having their annual dinner last night at a small restaurant/ pub, "50 South", just outside Saratoga, NY. There was a rather small group there, about 30, less than I expected, not knowing what to expect, which also was good as it made for a more intimate setting. (I give the restaurant a 5 of 5 on the food and service, and acceptance!) I had never been to any kind of LBGTQ event or gathering before last night. I would not have been at all surprised if I had met someone there from my hometown, was well prepared if I had, but I didn't. I'm finding the more I step out as Jess now, which is more often than not, I am as comfortable, 💇♀️ even more so, than in a cis-male role. I never expected that so quickly, having only been stepping out for a few weeks, now. And I'm finding that most, no, just about everyone I encounter out in public seems comfortable with me, too, whether I'm just pumping my own gas, getting coffee, going to the supermarket, going through the mall, walking downtown window shopping, and yes even going to a nice restaurant by myself I've never been to. I've never been shy in engaging with anyone and I think people quickly figure out I'm non threatening and that may have something to do with it. I noticed at the banquet, however, that the different groups there, i.e. the L, the G, the T, mostly clustered together, not all, but it was very difficult for the most part to strike a conversation and keep it going with everyone. Hmmm, have to think more on that one and figure how to better break the ice next time. Still met quite a few good people, though, and I'm looking forward to following up with them in the near future. 😊 Jessica 😍
Depression or sadness? Well there's a huge difference between the two. Sadness sucks. Maybe your favorite team lost the championship. Maybe your family said your meatloaf sucked. Maybe you're just having an off day. It's ok to cry. Let it out. Don't let anyone laugh at you for crying.
Depression is beyond. Depression is an emotional disorder. The sufferers feel those things all day every day. They have no hope for tomorrow. They have no hope for today. They don't have the ability to get out of bed and carry themselves. They don't eat. They don't sleep. They want to be alone all the time. I know these things, because I suffer from depression.
One will pass. The other will not without help from someone. Be they friend, family, professional, or somewhere else.
But there is one thing you are required to forget about thinking. You don't have the right to kill yourself. Just because you have the ability doesn't mean you should exercise that ability. Ian Malcomb said it best in Jurassic Park: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."
Your death solves nothing. It doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to the next in line. Which is several people. Your parents, siblings, children, and extended family. Your friends will inherit your pain as well. Is that really what you want to do to all of them? My grandmother committed suicide before I was born. The result was that I never got to meet her. Nor did any of my cousins.
I understand the pain gets overwhelming at times. I really do. I've attempted suicide more times than I care to try to count, in more ways than I care to admit. And when your attempt isn't successful, you feel like a total failure at life. You think "If I can't even kill myself right, I am nothing but a complete failure at everything." It's hell. Your mind stays in that hell for a long time.
If you're thinking that I'm just blowing smoke up your butt right now then ask yourself this one question.
If you're truly suicidal, why are you still here? Were you going to do it yesterday but got sidetracked? Or an hour ago?
I'll tell you why you're still here. Because you want help. Because (depending on your personal beliefs) you don't want to face possible eternal damnation for taking that away from your god's decision of when. Because you want be loved, and you want to love.
Everyone, no matter how successful, or happy they seem, has room for improvement. That's because there's not a living soul on this planet that is perfect. Obviously there's people who think they are, but if you're that narcissistic then you have more room for improvement than anyone else.
Granted, every person everywhere will have the thought of suicide at least once in their life. It's natural. But over 99% of people don't do it. In the grand scheme of over 7 billion people it's actually rather rare. Don't try to make it common.
You don't have that right.
As a last note to anyone thinking about doing it, think about this...
THE ONES YOU LEAVE BEHIND WILL SUFFER MORE THAN YOU.
Some years ago, before I met my wife, I was homeless. I spent 3 years on the street with nowhere to go. I lived in an old abandoned feed mill. My egg donor and female DNA match only lived a few blocks from me, but neither would take me in. During that time I was alone. Virtually. Where I was staying there was an old pile of sawdust and grain. It was about 6 feet high and probably about 12 feet wide. There was a colony of rats living in it. I would say close to 100 there. I knew that they would tear me up if I tried to dominate them, but I also knew they would do the same if I submitted to them too much. The patriarch of the colony defended his colony fiercely at first. I never attacked, but I didn't back down either. Eventually we grew to trust each other. After that we became friends. I named him Star, because he was black with a white star on his belly. Over time I gained the confidence of the whole colony. My home at the time was a sleeping bag and a duffle bag that had clothes in it for a pillow. I would often wake up with rats sleeping either on top of me, or even in the sleeping bag with me. There was once I woke up to a female giving birth on my sleeping bag.
While I was living there it was hard to find food at first. Normally I would end up stealing what I could from grocery stores. Not a good idea, I know, but when you're starving you don't have many options. Then I got to thinking. When I was 16 I worked at Pizza Hut. I remembered that at the end of the night, we always threw a ton of pizza in the trash. Stuff that people who dined in didn't finish, or pizza that just never got picked up. So I started dumpster diving there. It was a gold mine. I never had to steal food again. A lot of it was water logged due to throwing cups of ice and stuff in the trash. I always passed on that. But the dry stuff I took with me. I got burnt out on pizza REAL quick, but hey I had to eat. It also gave the rats a better meal too. Granted rats are scavengers, and will even resort to cannibalism if they have to, but we had some good meals together. Water was never hard to come by. Every building has an outdoor water spigot, and a couple 2 liter bottles kept me hydrated. Granted I wouldn't have minded a soda once in a while, but that just wasn't in the cards at the time. So I found a steady supply of food and water.
Over the years my spirits got lower and lower. I had less and less will to go on. Star was always there to keep me going, but he didn't have magical powers to make everything ok. He always followed me around like a puppy. When I would leave the mill, I would either put him on my shoulder and take him with me, or he would sit there at the door waiting for me looking so sad that I was gone. And when I got back he would go absolutely nuts. He was so sweet. But one day, I decided that I was done. I couldn't live like that anymore. I decided it was time to die. So I climbed up the stairs to the top floor which was about 5 stories up. There was an old window there that was busted out. I looked out of it and decided that a head first dive would do the trick. I started to climb up into the window when I felt this small tug on my pants leg. I turned around thinking I was caught on something. I was caught sure enough, but not how I was thinking. It was Star. He had followed me up the stairs. I tried to move him away so he didn't go with me. I started climbing up again, and again I felt that tug. He had me again. Somehow he knew what I was going to do, and he was determined to stop me. His heart was bigger than any I had ever encountered. He was the first one that loved me unconditionally. He fought me to stop me from killing myself. I couldn't believe it. A wild rat loved me that much. I sat down with him and he climbed up on my shoulder. I started crying. If he loved me that much, there was no way I could do that to him. From then on everywhere I went, he went. Not just because I wanted him with me, but because he wouldn't let me out of his sight. Even if I just stepped around the door to pee, he was right there with me.
I'm crying right now as I'm writing this.
If it wasn't for Star I wouldn't be here right now. To this day, no breathing creature holds as much of a place in my heart as a rat. I have 4 little guys here with me. I have an emotional need for them. It's all in thanks to Star. I wish rats lived longer or were immortal so I could have him here with me. But unfortunately he's gone. And I'm the only one that even knew he existed. Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll see him again. On the other side. I just hope he's patient, because while I'm eager to see him again, I'm not eager enough to go for a permanent visit.
The final day of the Event, even though I'm staying till tomorrow morning. Slept real late for me again (till 8:00) ; up and at-em; gotta make breakfast in time, and they stop serving at 11. Got down to the lobby by 10 and sad to see so many people checking out and leaving.😢 So headed right for breakfast and was cheered up immediately! Joined Andrea, who I loved and mentioned before, and her new business partner. They do electrolysis and laser. Spent an hour and a half talking, not about that, just girlfriend talk? What I always dreamed it would be like talking to a "girlfriend", and she talked to me like a girlfriend. I said before Linda coaxed me to get out and dance, well Andrea kept me dancing ...such a fun person😃.
Workshops today were mostly geared towards families and the kids going through this. Nice to see people taking the effort to understand but sad to see attendance has dropped quite a bit. Still hope a lot of families hold together and get much stronger through their difficulties; I believe strongly that family is the foundation of society.
Spent most of the afternoon packing , again I brought too much, much too much, next time I'll know. Only left unpacked what I'd need the next day. Of course, just had to get out again, so I found the Solomon Pond mall, bought foundation primer from Sephora, and a new bra. On my way back, Starbucks for coffee, and almost time for Super Bowl. Freshened up and down to the lounge just in time for kick-off. Very few people there, a dozen? Most were not connected to the convention, and you can guess what team everybody thought would get the trophy. New England did, and I got my trophy, too. The time of my life, a meaning to my life. One of those there was Cheryl, the Organizer of the First Event. And I got a chance to thank her for all she did for me. I told her she must be proud of herself and should be, and we will see each other again. ❤️
Saturday morning, slept till 7! Ugh. Got to jump up and fly getting ready in time to help at The Closet clothing boutique. Need to go to breakfast first, too, Always meet somebody new there and really look forward to it and enjoy it. Forgot to mention, yesterday, met Erin at breakfast. She seemed kind of shy , so I asked her to join me. (I hate to sit alone...most of the time). From northern Maine, not a place where she can be out easily. An hour talking over breakfast and yet another friend! We hooked up to talk several times more the rest of the Event. Made it to the Closet, and had fun, rehanging garments, helping people find their sizes and also helped a few find outfits that really looked great on them! ☺️. Went to lunch, met Greg who was holding a workshop, not transitioning, just likes to be himself? Herself? Also my age, from Connecticut; just published a book and when I find his/her card I'll let you all know. (no worries if I mis-gendered...he/she wont care!).
Afternoon wanted to do more workshops, so I scheduled 3, from 1pm-5pm. The first, "There is VALUE in Financial awareness" was a very good presentation, by a young accountant, but not too relevant to me being in business my whole life. The second, "The Power of Voice" was well worth it! The biggest thing I took away from was just speak from your heart, not your chest or your head as many suggest. The heart is the center of your soul and your best sound will emanate from there. Did some exercises speaking from the heart, that's what I do out in public now all the time. I don't really Try to reach a pitch anymore, it just seems to be getting better naturally. I feel comfortable with it in public and everyone I talk to seems to be, too. The Last, " MTF Surgical options", I found I already knew quite a bit about.
Now, rush, rush, to get ready for the banquet and the cocktail hour 6-7. Dressed in my gown for the first time, really worked hard on getting dolled up just right,💇♀️ LOL Down there at 6:45, and mingled a bit The banquet tables sat 8 and found one in the center not right up front, but real close center. Four people were already seated that I didn't know so I decided, hey, I could always use more friends, right? By the time dinner started 3 others I already met joined us. The food was excellent, and the service impeccable. The keynote speaker, CeCe Mcdonald was very good, too, and, after getting past the activist, political aspects her message, I felt it was very relevant! Don't back down, stand your ground, insist on your right to be who you are, get out there and be seen.
After the banquet, my friend Linda, tried to teach me how to pose for photos, taking a few dozen pics from my cell phone. Sorry girls, need more lessons yet before I post any here, HAHA. Never thought of it, but I should of gotten photos with everyone I met; it would have helped me to remember their names better. The rest of the night more dancing. 😎
Well had a ton going on Friday. When I came down for breakfast, the attendance had grown to 8-900, I had heard. All types of real people, flamboyant, discreet, flashy, cis-gender, bi-gender, cross dressers, transitioning in all different stages, many final, many their first time out, (like me). Young, senior, ( I was gonna say old, but none of us are old), shy, outgoing, all different in many ways but we were the same our whole lives, just hadn't met each other. We were about to, though! I was surprised at the age group, for some reason I expected much younger, but most were my age...whoops...here I go thinking I'm younger than I am again! (40's -60 for clarification.) I expected mostly 20's to 40's. A full slate of workshops were available today but there was a major glitch in my planned schedule. When I tried to make my first therapist appointment 2 weeks before the Event I specifically told the coordinator I would be out of town that week. Well the therapist called me the Friday before and said she had an opening today at 2pm. Made a split second decision and said I'd make the arrangements and meet her.....so I only attended one workshop, non-surgical feminization and beautification techniques, made a quick round through the job fair, I was dressed in a woman's business suit, then hopped in my car at 11:20 for a 2 1/2 hour trip to meet my therapist for the first time (still as Jessica) then drive back and was back to the Hotel by 5:30pm. One hour to freshen up, and change into a nice dress, for the last half hour of the cocktail hour before the Fashion show.
The Fashion show was great! Never been to one before, especially as Jessica. I was in heaven, I love fashion, a good look...always have. Scoped out some seats at the runway, they were reserved, but the group that reserved them had some people not show up, so..... I made more friends and joined them. I never sit in the back; there's so much more to see when you're out front. It was a college group with their teacher (advisor?) who booked an overnight stay for the First Event. Yes we all became friends, instantly. (Had to keep reminding myself I'm not in college anymore, haha.) The Show was great, felt like it was being put on just for me! Many event models mixed with professional from a modeling agency and all put on a great show. Their were some children, too; and they were the best! You could see it in their eyes how proud they were to be able be themselves.. made you cry wishing we were that fortunate back then at their age.💕.
Well afterwards, back to the courtyard and lounge for more DJ Greg again. Again, many, many, more people to meet and get to know. Andrea, a real neat cis-female (vendor at the event), I won't forget her. Mike, an attorney, Karen, an army reservist active and transitioned, who also speaks to groups on transgender issues, Mellissa, who loves 15th, 16th, 17th or 18th century vintage dress, (she was also in the show). Then there's Sarina, Sabrina, Porsha, on and on. So many more names I can't remember, but I know I'll meet them again. Well by now this ole lady's been pushing the envelope; it's 1:30 am and I volunteered a month ago to work "The Closet" which is the clothing boutique from 9am to noon Saturday morning. Good night 🌃
Thursday was when people were arriving in groves. I would estimate that attendance grew from 100 or more to well over 600. Some workshops were scheduled; I attended "Work it Girl! Posing to perfection." and "About Face The Alchemy of Make-up". Both were well presented, I learned a lot that I use now. I think my make-up has improved ten-fold from before. Well worth it.💇♀️ after dinner, socializing in the lounge and lobby until the Dance party with DG Gregg. Notably, met Linda and became instant friends. Had much in common except I would guess she's a little younger. She tries to visit one Conference each year; her wife is cool with that; is on her tenth or so year, but the amazing thing is she could pass 24/7 365 days a year. Tall, sleek, pretty, (and she confessed to me and I to her, bald. Beautiful wit, outgoing personality, and lots of fun to be around. The only time she is out is at conventions. Hooked up again later and at the dance party and she coaxed me to get out on the floor. Now I haven't danced in many, many, many years. Never really enjoyed it, always felt too rigid, out of place. Well let me tell you I melted right onto the dance floor, had the time of my life, fell right into my skin, liberated!! Met and had great conversations with another few dozen new friends into the night .
This gal's been busy this past week😱. Met my therapist for the first session last Friday, then right back to Boston to finish out First Event. Wednesday, talked to my electrologist about scheduling something soon. I found her searching the internet long ago and was very happy to learn at First Event she was highly recommended and known. ☺️. Tried to walk in, but no one was there, so called and left a message and she called me back same evening. I told her right off the bat I was transitioning and looking for beard and neck treatments, to start. She lit up and we chatted for about 20 minutes, and recommended I start laser first. I told her I would and we set up an appointment for a week from Tuesday to meet her and for an evaluation. Thursday I went to a not so local, but well known Plastic Surgeon and scheduled 6 treatments over 6 months, the first this Monday. A little pricier than I wanted, but they also do non-invasive facial feminization procedures, breast augmentation, and all surgeries up to vaginoplasty. Learned a lot about all these procedures at the Convention workshops! Walked in, got a private consultation right away, too, with my laser technician. Can't wait for that😲. Again , first off, I told her I was transitioning and she likewise lit up, too. Then, today, my second session, with my therapist. Today was "gender assessment". She implied it was just a formality (I sensed I already won her over the first time), and she's already won me over, she's just what I was hoping for. . We already discussed transgender specialty HRT doctors, methods of delivery, etc. I came across highly knowledgeable , THANKS TO YOU ALL AT TG GUIDE!!!! , you see I pay attention to every word you write.👀 . Probably helped that she's only seen me as Jessica and I've been extremely comfortable this way, now. Well have another session for this Tuesday, and I don't think my referral will take much longer.💇♀️ 🙏
Wednesday was the official first day of the Convention, but not a whole lot was scheduled. I woke early, took about 3 1/2 hours to get ready (which was record time for me at that point), and went down to the lobby to see what was going on. Some people were just arriving, most were in their male persona, unpacking their luggage from their cars, all with an exuberant look in their faces and an excited attitude in their strides seeming so happy to finally be here. I went to the restaurant in the Hotel by 10am ( had complementary breakfast coupons) and I have to say it was excellent in every aspect. Simple, but very good on the quality scale and having been catering for 30+ years, I know. There weren't a whole lot of people having breakfast; some were obviously there for the convention, some were not. I sat myself at a table proximity of another woman, a little younger than me. My guess cis. We exchanged smiles and then she said to me that when she first saw me she thought that I was the actress from some show called " Mom and Me". Then she kept looking thinking, no way. She said the mom, not the daughter and chuckled. I said I hadn't seen it but I'm sure I should be flattered, thank you. She was just checking out and we wished each other to have a good day. (Okay, another boost for the confidence just starting out this week even though she probably just forgot to put her contacts in that morning). 💇♀️
Finished up and went back out, and more people were arriving. Met a few who were already settled in; many were part of the organizing staff, and one in particular I met was Cheryl. I would come to realize her to be one of the most awesome, genuine people I have ever met in my lifetime; the type of person that when you grow up, you want to be just like? Turned out she was the Head Organizer, and my first impression was right on; she made me feel like she knew me my whole life. By the end of the Convention, it became apparent we have all known each other our whole lives; most of us just haven't met yet.😍
Afterwards got my registration packet, and checked out the venders room, but they were just setting up still, so there wasn't much to do. Hung out on and off as more people arrived and began slowly introducing myself and meeting others. Went out for a drive to learn the area, found my Starbucks, not really a fan of the coffee but like the atmosphere., and went to the supermarket to stock my room mini refrigerator. About 30 -40 minutes in the supermarket; taking my time. One girl came up to me as I was opening a cooler door and said "I just love your nails" Haha. At the checkout, gentleman bagger about my age asked "ma'am would you like your milk in a bag? Double haha! I was sure from then on this was gonna be a good week and it was! ☺️
Later that evening, went to the lounge, sat at the bar and ordered a bottle water, and met and talked to another dozen or so fantastic people, went to bed early.
I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers. What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica; how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue wishing I had the courage to transition long ago??
I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference. I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston. I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety. My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition.
I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't. You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away. I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring. SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!! Why do I??? That changed my attitude. Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"? Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!! Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇♀️
So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car. Still Jessica. I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did, I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!!
Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE! if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!! Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for coffee.
Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could.
Well, I attended my first Transgender Conference this past week called the First Event held annually just outside Boston. It is the first and oldest conference for Transgenders in the United States. Arrived Tuesday night even though it started Wednesday and ran through Sunday.. I didn't check out until this morning, Monday. I'll start my blogs, of which there will be many more about it, from the end, because today could not have been made possible without my experience during the past week. I've been planning this for several months and without any doubt it has met my expectations and far exceeded them.
Woke up this morning about 7am well rested for the first time since arriving, .My bags were mostly packed except for what I planned to wear today, my make-up,, and some other incidentals. The male "façade" I have been putting on most of my life had seen the light of day since Friday, Jan 25. Got dressed and ready to head home, AS JESS, by 10am, checked out , and went to breakfast at the conference center, which has been a ritual since I arrived. When I was done, got in my car, and saw it was gonna be 65 degrees and sunny today. Now I came here in another snowstorm, and the temperatures dipped below zero all week. So, instead of heading west to go home, I decided to head east to the coast of New Hampshire. First I stopped at Starbucks to say so long to my new friends and I'll see them next year. Then I went to Sephora, which was about fifteen minutes from the hotel. I had missed the workshop they had at the convention because I had to run back to NY Friday afternoon for my first therapist appointment. I went to Sephora here already once before to purchase a foundation primer by " Smashbox ", I had learned of at another workshop. This time I was hoping to get a full make-over. She explained I needed an appointment for a full make-over which was free with the purchase of $50 of cosmetics. She could do just foundation, or eyes, or lips without an appointment. I explained that make-up was very new to me, didn't have much of a clue what I was doing, duh, and if she could do the foundation that would be really, really great!! So she did and it came out really good. They have this monitor gadget which matches the skin tone to the make-up shade. Also product for eliminating beard shadow, which is great. I've already gotten pretty good with my own make-up but this was well worth it. Bought about $175 worth of cosmetics but if she showed me the eyes, too, I would have bought more. Still bought a shadow palette and a mild scent perfume, too. Oh, and another woman came up to me and told me how she really loved my boots! 😍 That's been happening to me all week long.😊
After that, onto the Coast! Now, I love the New Hampshire Coast. Have vacationed there every year for over 30 years; proposed to my wife on a "very special rock" at the ocean when I was 32 years old, and funny but always day dreamed what it would be like for Jess every year we went. Perfect drive, listening to Syrius classical music in the car, Beethoven, Haydn,, Brahms on the way. Pulled up to the seawall, got out and looked out over the ocean for about half an hour. I asked a woman walking by to take a picture of me from my cell phone and she was happy to, with the ocean backdrop. She said if I didn't like how it came out, she'd be happy to take more! Afterward walked down to that rock and sat for a while more watching mothers and kids looking for treasures under the rocks. Then drove up to Portsmouth and around 5pm back down to my favorite restaurant, The Old Salt, at Lamie's for a Seafood Dinner. I was treated like royalty!! Well 6:30 pm time to head back, now about a 4 hour drive, all the way listening to Classic Zeppelin, Yes, The Who, Leonard Skynard, Jeff Beck, etc, to keep me awake (blasting).
The one and only downside to the last ten days? I don't want to go back to the "male façade" anymore, it's actually depressing me now and I don't think I've ever been "depressed" before in my life. Gonna have to do something about that; I don't like it. Much, much more...….
Since joining Td Guide and networking with many in the community and exploring much of the resource materials on transitioning, I've learned of many of the terms used, and obstacles and goals one encounters when transitioning. One that stands out is "Presentation". Presenting female for the MTF group of us and I assume the FTM group, too is a major concern and is kind of a Pre-requisite tor eventually achieving a full transition. We often think we're too tall, too heavy, too ugly, There are hundreds of videos on every category of :"presentation"; walking, talking, mannerisms, dress, make-up, electrolysis, laser, FFS, etc., and I've used the term Presenting Female myself many times. But...It always struck a chord in me. Now I know why. I now live in "Jess mode" as I'll call it from now on, 70- 80% of my time. I will no longer "present female", only "present male" when I need to for work or other similar situations....and I'll work on eliminating the need for that in the future, too.
I hope this one turns out long. There's not enough good things I can say about her.
In 2004 I lived in a tiny craphole apartment. It was in a rundown part of a dead town, in a rundown building. I was single and on disability. The landlords accepted section 8 housing so my rent was lowered from $350 to $160. I had internet which was $50 and cable TV which was another $50. All the utilities like power, water, sewer, etc were included in the rent so my total monthly bills were only $260. For a single guy living on his own, it wasn't bad. I hadn't even admitted to myself at the time that I'm a woman not a man so that's why I'm using the male pronoun. I had been single since I was 18, which was about 4 years. But during that time I was using, so I wouldn't have been any good to anyone anyway. I had only been fully clean for a few months. I logged into my email one day just looking at what I had and decided to look thru my junk mail. I had my inbox set to exclusive due to the fact that I got so much junk mail it was sickening. Why I decided to look thru my junk mail folder on this particular night I don't know. Fate perhaps. As I was looking thru it, I saw an email that seemed different. It was a womans name and the subject was simply "Hello". I was intrigued and decided to take a chance.
I was blown away when I read it. It was a real email. A girl a few years younger than me had seen my profile on yahoo. She thought I was cute and sent me an email. I sent her a message on messenger and we talked for about an hour or so. We decided to meet that night. Crazy I know. For all we knew the other one was a serial killer. But after a quick shower I drove up to meet her. That was when my life changed forever.
As soon as I saw her, the same thought kept going thru my head. "Damn she's cute". She was sweet and friendly. We talked about a bit of everything for a few hours. I had expected no more than the possibility of a good night kiss at most. More happened. She even ended up coming home with me that night. Again, I know, it was crazy. We started dating. Staying overnight with each other for extended periods regularly. After about 6 months of that, I felt that going back and forth like that was pointless, and asked her to move in with me. She got the biggest smile on her face, gave me a huge hug and kiss, and we were officially living together. That would have been somewhere near spring of 2005. We met in October of 04, so do the math and it would have been March or April. Somewhere in that area.
After a while we grew to hate the apartment. It was too small for 2 people, lugging groceries up 2 flights of stairs was killing us, the neighbors were words I can't use here. We'll just say they were unpleasant. And the town, being a dead town, offered nothing to do for recreation. We had to travel almost 40 miles if we wanted to do something other than walk streets that were a drug den. The town has been listed as the worst meth town by ratio in the United States. Several kids I went to school with are in prison right now for running a kitchen. But I'm getting off topic.
Her parents went to an estate auction and bought the property. It was a quaint little house in the country, in a really quiet area. You could really get away from everything there. Unfortunately she was taking some college courses back in town which was about a half hour drive, and I was at the house all day and night. This caused a rift between us. I had cabin fever, and she just wanted to rest after being in class all day. I didn't have my license at the time. I had waited too long to renew it. So I couldn't go anywhere. I could go to town with her when she went to school, but I'm in no way a morning person, and what could I do for entertainment? Nothing because I wasn't registered as a student, and in a dead town there's nothing to do but walk around.
Her birthday rolled around in 2006. I was flat broke. I had asked her parents blessing to marry her some months before. They gave it. So since I was broke, I took a ring that meant something to me. It was a simple hematite band, nothing more. I told her to close her eyes. I put the ring in her hand. I got on one knee. Told her to open her eyes, and asked her to marry me. With the exception of watching my friend die, I've never been that scared in my life. She didn't waste any time in saying yes. I had to tell her to let go because I couldn't breathe. She was crying, kissing me hugging me, and almost immediately called her mother to tell her. The next year and a half was our engagement. She wanted a long engagement to make sure we had everything taken care of and didn't miss anything. When we started planning I told her that there were only two things that I demanded. No church, no priest. I'm not Christian so I wouldn't have a Christian wedding. Other than that everything was her choice. She was fine with it. We got married on Saturday October 11th 2008 at the Kansas City Renaissance Festival. October 11th was the day we met in 2004. We wanted to keep that day. She was more beautiful than I had seen her that day. I wore a kilt, as did my brother who stood with me. He was the only one from my side that even showed up. We had more of a pagan wedding than anything, mostly due to me being a Celt. That was a gift from her that meant a lot to me.
Today we've been married for over 10 years and together for over 14. The road hasn't always been smooth, but we've fought through. If it wasn't for her I most likely would still be living in that craphole apartment. Or worse. I wouldn't be able to be the woman I am. I would be a hermit. I would be a forgotten presence.
Adrianne saved me. I made the following video for her.
I'm in!! On Cloud 9, (or 10 maybe) at the moment. The therapist I've chosen, great reputation for transitioning clients, and I've been working on it all week, contacted me and is setting up my appointments, and I should know tomorrow when my first session is. Still trying to get in before First Event, but most likely will be right after First Event.
Real funny thing....just a little story. This past week I've been helping my son move into an apartment closer to his work. About an hour away, close to a major city in the State I live in. Somewhat familiar with the City, as I did a lot of business there some 30 years ago, but haven't been there more than a couple of times since. So last night he wants me to go with him to a furniture store off the beaten track there as he was told they have a lot of good deals. He GPS's the location and I'm driving according to his directions( Everything has changed since I've been there!; We pull up and ….it's directly across the street from my therapist's office building!!!!!! Have never been there before. I had a good feeling then I would get a call and I did today.
A while back, I ordered a pair of ladies' palazzo pants from Amazon, and, as you may know, they ask for a review. I sent them a favorable one since I like the pants. They look, fit, and feel great. Then a few days ago, a lady Amazon customer writes to ask me if the inseam would work for her "curvy 5"10" figure." So, I dutifully measured the inseam and sent her the measurements along with the comment that I thought the pants would work fine for her. I did have to add that they work for my 6' non-curvy male body. Now she has written back to tell me that my comments were helpful. I am finding this whole episode somewhat amusing. Now,I wonder if I'll be asked to give any more advice. LOL
This one is long so You'll need some time to read it all.
I grew up in a small area. The town I originally lived in has less than 300 people. Well technically I didn't live in town I lived in the country, but screw semantics. I don't know why, but I was the one the family hated. I'm not exaggerating when I say hated. They reminded me daily how much they hated me. The first thing I remember about the abuse is my uncle. When I was 2, and still in diapers, he threw me into an above ground pool and said "Swim or die" before he walked away. I don't remember how I got out of the pool, but when I did I went to my father crying. He hit me in the head with a board for, as he put it, "being a (euphemism for a vagina)". I woke up there in the yard a day or so later. He was a violent drunk that only cared about where he was getting his next drink. He would regularly beat me just for fun. I had black eyes, the occasional broken bone. I also had times when they would lock me in my room for a few days and not give me any food or water. I didn't need it since I could drink my urine and eat my excrement. I never did either, so I almost died. But it was all standard. My brother and sister however, walked on water. Everyone everywhere loved them. Even my own in-laws love my brother. They hate me, but love him. They have asked when his birthday is so they can send him a card or something, but won't even say happy birthday to me. Mine was a week ago and they didn't even acknowledge my existence. But back to the reason for this blog.
We moved from that town to a bigger one (roughly 15k people) before I started school. My first day of kindergarten I got all my stuff in my backpack, and started to leave for the bus stop. I was already scared, but my father made it worse. Aside from his verbal assault, he literally kicked me down the front steps of the house. There were 6 stone steps. I had to go to school like that. Bloody and scratched up. Apparently my parents (and I use the term EXTREMELY loosely) had called the school and told them that I may look rough when I got there because the cat had attacked me, but I had wanted to go to school anyway. We didn't even have a cat. When I got there, the kids looked at me, and almost all of them got this look of disgust and hate on their faces. I didn't know what I had done. The teacher looked at me and said it was about time I got my lazy *** to school.
Fast forward 2 years to second grade. Mrs Rosentrater. My second grade teacher had a special hatred for me. I never understood her. She made up stories about me and not only told them to adults, but to the students as well. If I was wiggling my foot, it meant I had "problems". She made me sit in a box for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks she would try to tell me it had only been one week and very loudly call me stupid. I eventually started skipping school and vandalizing the teachers cars and school property. I retaliated like that. I was never officially caught, but they all knew it was me. I made it thru 3rd and 4th grade pretty normal. Daily beatings by sperm donor(dad) verbal assault by egg donor(mom). Nothing out of the ordinary.
5th grade comes along. We get a new principal. Dana Mogar. She hated me more than Satan. I actually heard her one day say that she "wanted any excuse to screw him over". Her exact words. If I burped I was distracting the other students and offending them. 3 day suspension. I was in lunch one day and this black student that always bullied me something fierce was on me. I ignored him as best I could. After lunch we always walked out to the playground. He kept tackling me as I walked. I got called into the office. The students had told the teacher that I was attacking HIM. Also that I had told another black kid to "get a rag and wipe the mud off his face" and that I was calling them both the N word. I went ballistic. My egg donor was called in. She eventually asked her if she could spank me. The egg donor said go for it. I grabbed a letter opener and said "If you try I'll blanking kill you". She looked at me and asked me if I was crazy. I just said "try me b****". 2 week suspension. I looked up where she lived. I slashed her tires, burned down a shed, and killed her dogs. After that I got sadistic. I also went for as many students as I could find. If I had been caught I would have been I juvee until I turned 21. Mogar also followed me through 3 schools. At home is where it was bad though. My sperm donor beat me unconscious while my egg donor cheered him on. They had divorced a few years prior, but still agreed on how to raise me. A fist was the best way. Beat me into submission and false confessions.
The verbal assault from my egg donor was fairly normal. The one that stuck with me the most was when I was 8. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I wish I had aborted you". The other things she said several times on a daily basis was that I "wasn't worth S-word", "No one would ever love me", "You'll never amount to S-word", and so much more. I can't tell you how many times I stood by her bed in the middle of the night holding a butcher knife, staring at her, and daring myself to do it. I eventually decided that the physical beatings were more desirable than the verbal ones, so I moved in with my sperm donor, which proved to be an almost fatal choice.
I was 12 when I moved in with him which also meant changing school districts. I was a lot bigger than the other kids. After the beatings at home I was also a lot meaner. The first day they were all afraid of me. On through out 8th grade I was suspended regularly for beating the ever living hell out of any student who got under my skin, male or female. I guess this is what caused the entire school to hate me. High school wasn't any better. I stayed to myself, and did what I could for my grades. Mostly D's and a few C's. I've never been a good student. It doesn't matter what it is. Something I want to teach myself, or learn somewhere else. Sophmore year rolls around. My Freshman math teacher told me I should have been in algebra. She actually liked me for some wild reason. I got an A+ in basic math. I was beyond shocked there. So I decided to take algebra sophomore year. I understood nothing. The problems we were give were things like (x-3)y solve for y. How the hell am I supposed to know what Y is!? There's a huge gap of information there! So I failed miserably. But the bad thing is that the teacher would call my house every single night and talk to my sperm donor. Even if I had my bedroom door locked, he'd break the door down, and beat me until his fist was tired. Even if I was unconscious he would still be beating me. Finally I picked up the phone one night when she called. She asked for him. I threatened her life and that of her family if she didn't stop calling. I told her the results of her calls, and that I didn't need that poop, before slamming the phone down. The next day in class as I was walking into the room, she flagged me over to her desk. I walked up to her, and she told me she didn't like what I had said to her. I told her I didn't like her causing me to get the poop beaten out of me. She asked me what I was talking about. I opened my shirt and she saw the damage. My father rarely went for the face. It was easier to hide it in the hair or under a shirt. I told her to keep her mouth shut or I would get it even worse. At semester, I dropped her class.
Fast forward to 16. I got a job as a cook at Pizza Hut. It was my first real job. The pay sucked, and the hours sucked. But hey it was putting a few bucks in my pocket every 2 weeks. I never told my sperm donor when I was paid or how much. He would have forced every penny out of me. He had a new reason for beating me now. I wasn't home after school to take care of his horses or calves. He expected me to do both. Since I wasn't able, the fists and boards came. That was when I started sleeping with a loaded rifle in my hands.
My first real girlfriend was a girl I met at Pizza Hut. She was a waitress named Beth. Which at the time was a little creepy since my sister's name is Beth. She was virtually obsessed with oral sex. Which made my father extremely angry that I was with a girl and he wasn't. She ended up taking my virginity, which actually made things even worse. If we were in my room with the door closed, he would often break it down to see what we were doing. Whether we were having sex, playing video games, taking a nap, or just sitting and talking didn't matter. He had to know. Eventually after about 6 months we broke up.
Fast forward to summer after I turned 17. I made the absolute worst mistake of my life. I enlisted in the Marines. I had wanted to be a Marine since I was 5. The movie Full Metal Jacket was what made the choice for me. I would have shipped out right then, but they said I couldn't until after I turned 18. So I was in DEP for a year. My sperm donor told both me and the recruiters there was no way I was going to make it. That they were stupid for recruiting me, that I was too much of a (euphemism for vagina) to do it, etc. When I got home, he took to beating me for "disgracing the United States military". He was a Vietnam Navy vet. Which meant he was God apparently.
He was right about me and the military. 2 weeks shy of graduation I was given an entry level separation. I failed at the only thing in my life I had ever wanted. That was when I knew that everything my egg donor had ever said to me was true. That I was truly completely and utterly worthless. I came home with my head down and a lifetime of shame to look forward to. My pride was destroyed. Any self worth I had had previously was gone, never to return. The beating I got was one of the worst. I did fight him off once though. He told me that if I ever pulled a knife on him he would kill me. I told him he wasn't ever gonna grab me again. He came at me and I cracked him in the face with a shovel. Then I DID put a knife to his throat and threatened to KILL HIM right then and there. He didn't respond.
A day and a half later I decided to look for a job. I stopped by his room, and for a reason I still can't find, told him I loved him. He looked at me and said "I don't. You're a waste of a human being." I turned around and left. What else could I have expected. So I went looking for work, turned in some applications and a couple resumes. I came home and he wasn't anywhere to be found. Not anywhere in the house, not in his shop, no where. The truck was still there. So if he had left he had gone with someone else. I got back in my truck and left. About a mile from the house something just didn't feel right. So I turned around and went home. I looked around again, and looked over the gate to the barn lot and saw a blue shirt in front of the door. I hopped the gate and went over to it. It was just the shirt he had been wearing earlier. I was about to turn around, and suddenly there he was. In the shirt. Dead. It was surreal at first. I went into the house, sat down on the couch and told my grandmother he was dead. She didn't believe me. I told her I wouldn't joke about something like that. From there I went back to the barn lot. All I could think was that it was finally over. No more beatings. No more being labeled a (euphemism for a vagina). I was free. From there I don't remember anything. I know I was blamed for it. There was a hell of a lot of "What did you do" and "Why did you do this" from everyone. There was one person, I don't remember who, that tried to get me arrested for the murder of him. The cops didn't since it obviously wasn't homicide. According to the coroner it was a massive heart attack. I didn't care. I was just happy he was finally dead.
The blog My Story will tell you what happened next.
I've been to his grave a few times. The last time I was there, I emptied my .38 at his tombstone. It's hard to put into words why, but I'm sure a lot of you will instinctively know why. If I ever go back, I'm sure I'll do the same. The only reason I would go back is to visit my grandmothers grave. Which is unfortunately very close to my sperm donor's grave.
These days I refuse to have anything to do with anyone I share the slightest bit of DNA with. None of them know how to find me. No phone number, email, home address, social media, website, nothing. And I will keep it that way forever. They didn't want me when they had the chance, they don't get me now that they have lost that chance. My only hope is that my egg donor is dead also.
Well, had the day planned again with the house to myself all day and tonight, this time from 6am on. Figured I'd be ready in Jess mode early, by 8 or 9, and take off!💇♀️☝️ Know a couple of churches that are trans welcoming within driving distance that wouldn't know me and that was going to be my first stop. Afterwards was gonna check out a couple of quaint cafe's in the same area I know and MAYBE have a light lunch, if I worked up enough guts after church. I think I would have! Have been feeling a lot more comfortable, natural, and downright NORMAL as Jess the more practice. I get!💕. Then window shop in the same downtown city again that I did last week! Visit a couple of woman's specialty shops. Happens to be the same city I'm planning to go for electrolysis; very artsy and progressive. Then head home before dark, and spend a quiet evening doing some housework, and maybe finishing Ann Vitale's book! ( been only half way through since 3 months ago!) THEN THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND THERE WAS 30 INCHES OF SNOW LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS STILL SNOWING HARD!!!!!!!! UGH😲
Well, instead I shoveled and shoveled and shoveled. BUT... Still a good day😊 Was in Jess mode by noon and spent most of the afternoon packing for my trip next week. No driving for me today, HAHA. Now some housework, (actually I've always enjoyed it) and then maybe finish that book. Jess😍