Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
OK, probably not a unique experience here, but, on Sunday I was at the apartment I still pay rent for to discuss some things with my wife, when as I am about to leave, our pastor shows up...I know she is doing it out of love, but it felt like an intervention. As a result of this, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from everything with my congregation as of yesterday...it's sad, but i felt it necessary.
I feel a bit strange, weird, different (whatever you want to call it) when I come here. I'm more misanthropic than you can know. I absolutely despise the human race. But here at this forum it's different. I've grown to care a great deal for the people here. I feel for the first time in my life that I have an extended family of people who care for me as well. But I don't know how to process it. Also I'm sitting here waiting for it to all come crashing down, like everything else in my life has. While I care, I still can't trust. I refuse to trust anyone , online or IRL. The idea of someone caring for me scares the hell out of me. It's a total alien thought. Little green men from Mars seems more plausible. The biggest thing of all? Where do I go when it all does eventually crash down around me? Do I just use the rubble to reinforce the wall I already have up? Do I use it as ammunition against anyone who dares to get close to that wall? Do I become a hermit, move into a different room of the house and never leave again unless I have to?
One thing is that part about trust. It's not that I don't trust people. It's that I WON'T trust people. I refuse to do it. There's no reason to do it. Because every person will eventually stab you in the back to make themselves feel better. It's happened with every person I've known in my life, so at 37 years old there's no reason whatsoever to think otherwise. Even professional relationships crash and burn. My former therapist was the most recent one to prove that one.
My hatred for people goes far. I could be sitting in my garage, drinking a soda, listening to music, and all of a sudden see a person get slammed into by a speeding driver. I would think nothing of it. I would throw a bucket of gas on a burning person, and a bucket of water on a drowning person if they were someone that had ever wronged me. But if I was to see someone else do the same, it wouldn't phase me a bit. All people are equal in that instance. I'm not specifically going after Synagogues, or blacks, or republicans, or corporate executives. You wrong me, and your days are numbered. And I know things that should only be known by people in the CIA, FBI, ATF, and higher level police. Lethal things that should never be known by the general public. I actually make my own home made cyanide. I put a couple drops of it in hollow point bullets then seal it with a couple drops of wax from a burning candle. I've been called evil by many, and if not spot on, it's not far off.
I have my rats. I have my dogs. I have my birds. They are the only ones that I've known who love unconditionally. That's probably why I value their life above human life.
Yet still, I care about each and every one of you here. I love you all. Platonically of course. I would never harm anyone here intentionally. I would defend you all as fiercely as I possibly could. Which is why I feel so screwed up in my head. How do I process this insanity and confusion?
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"-- here I opened wide the door; --
Darkness there and nothing more
Well it’s been a pretty good week even with the challenges. My wife is not on board with the transition but I think she has unrealistic fears about what the future will look like for us. Her fears are dominating her thoughts and feelings. She sees me as more of a cross dresser in her mind and is comparing me to others she sees around town. Basically she will see a guy in a dress that doesn’t present well and thinks that they look ridiculous so she projects that on me. I have explained the difference to her but she needs to have more knowledge about exactly what being transgender and transitioning means for me. So I’ll work on that as best I can. At least she started to open up about all of this but at this point in time I don’t think we will make it together but I am hopeful. I’m also very realistic about the future and I will make plans for a divorce down the road just so I am prepared. I think if she could just meet and talk with some of my married friends and see what their lives look like she will probably be less concerned but who knows. She has also never seen what I look like as a female with makeup and everything so I may try to show her in a week or so after she settles down after our last conversation. I spent a lot of time with my parents yesterday and we had a great conversation and they learned a lot more about me and what this all means. I felt very at ease with them and then we went to a PFLAG meeting last night which went well. My mom even started to speak up and get involved! WOW! I showed them a picture of what I look like as a female and they said I looked good so I think I will change my profile pic to the picture I showed them. I just got my blood test done and they drained me dry 😂. The cost was crazy for this test because the pulled for 2 doctors and are running every test under the sun. I hope everything comes back in good order 🤞. Anyway I am calm and comfortable with life right now. I’ll post the picture here first and see what you think about it. 😘
How do you even start to present female when your face is this rough all the time?
Without being able to shave I am constantly being reminded of my facial hair as it catches on all my work shirts. I expected the sunburn feeling but my face looks hideous at the moment and I hate it.
After 4 days the dark hairs are still pushing their way out so my stubble is really rough, looks really obvious all the time even after I attempted to shave because I had to go and see someone, you would never know to look at me.
It is so untidy and patchy! but more than that my skin is really dry and flaky and part of my top lip scabbed even with using the after care gel 2-3 times a day - my ex who is not the most observant of people actually asked what was up with my neck when she was talking to me today - I told her it happened after trying to use a straight razor I got for Christmas as a present - either shaving wrong or having the blade under water that was too hot & scalding myself.
Do I have to worry about looking like this after every visit or will it calm down?
At the moment I am struggling to see even a small glimpse of Dee at all in the mirror. I don't look or feel female - and yet I don't feel particularly male either regardless of how I look.
What on earth am I doing?
It is official, my wife and I are now separated. I can now be Tilly all the time except at work...I think I am going to hold off on that change until the hair can match who I am...it is at least growing fast.
My folks are coming to town next weekend, they know that the wife and I are separated, but I will talk to them about why then.
With all my love,
I can’t wait for this weekend! I’m getting my first pedicure! What color should I get? Also I really want to go shopping to try on clothes and shoes just not what is the method to do it. Thinking about going to target or Walmart just not sure what sizes I should be looking for.
My wife asked me flatly if I am going to transition fully this evening. I'm not sure if she meant surgically or not, but I had to say probably. I hate making her cry, but I couldn't outright lie to her. The time that I spend as Tilly is the happiest and most relaxed time that I can remember recently. But I don't know if I can handle breaking my wife's heart. I know that if I don't do this I am lying to myself, and it will hurt me worse in the long run.
Yours in emotional pain,
I was wondering if this happens to others? Since i have grown my small Breasts, when I sneeze my nipples get erect. This may or may not be unusual. I have asked a sis female and she thought it was weird saying no it doesn't happen to her. Yet, I wonder if it is just unique to me. This didn't happen to me when my nipples were flat on my chest ha ha.
I have just been told by my ex partner that she got engaged to her new man last night and my brain is struggling to absorb the information. I was looking after the 3 dogs this weekend with the children to allow her to travel down and hand our divorce papers in and then go for a hospital appointment today that had implications for a possible op so I was trying to help alleviate stress. I knew she would probably meet up with her man but that was not really a big deal, but promising to marry him kinda feels like it is.
Apart from the surreal moment that I knew would happen at some point where she tried to reassure me that I would always be dad and he wouldn't try and take that from me she talked about him being okay with us still being friends - which is why she wanted to tell me herself (the translation of this motive though she probably could not admit it was simply that she can tell the kids now without worrying they would blab).
After processing for a few minutes while she talked I told her that I hope that they will both find happiness with one another - and I mean that. All I have ever wanted for her was that she was happy. It just worked out that what she wanted in me was a friend and not a life partner. He has his own teenage children and a tentative and usually acrimonious relationship with his ex wife, and at the moment their relationship involves a lot of travel across Scotland.
My head hurts - I want to be happy for her but a part of me is thinking WTF! To get to the point of accepting marriage since telling me she wanted to walk away last September means that there is no way in hell that their relationship only just started up again once she had left - that unconfirmed but likely betrayal hurts the most. Now more than ever I feel totally used.
I have always struggled with my self esteem and now even though I am bald and covered in hair I am thinking that I could try and make a life for myself as a woman. Who am I kidding? 👴👩💼
It's like I am trying to be alone!
Sorry - just ignore me I'm just venting, I just wish I hadn't invested so much when we got back together after the second time she left because it would hurt much less now to know that while she has already moved on I'm stuck in a literal no mans land not sure what the hell I'm doing. 😢
OK, I had a really weird thought cross my mind today. I said before that I was surprised when I realalized that I was crushing on my best friend, now that is gone to a new level. While I was snuggling into him, I had a daydream pass my brain that scared me at first, then made me smile and snuggle a little closer. I thought about taking him as a girl would. For a second I thought I was going crazy, but then i thought, 'hey, he's a nice guy, why wouldn't I.'
Again, just my odd thoughts,
I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳
I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know). Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and have a really good catch up with my sister - I talk with her regularly on the phone and message quite often via facebook but nothing beats sitting in the same room and just offloading on one another.
She has been doing a lot of reading about being transgender and was honest enough to tell me when I mentioned feeling like a failure as a man in just about every area of my life that she never saw me as effeminate or girly - and that simply being raised with girls naturally made me more emotionally aware. She asked if I had read about folk that have detransitioned after deciding they had made a mistake too.
I love that my sister can ask this and I know it does not come from anything other than curiosity and a desire to help. I pointed out that having girls around does not necessarily make a guy more emotionally aware, but also the fact that I have learnt to hide a lot of things very early on for instance she never knew when I was borrowing her clothes - a point she had to concede...😊 I was the Sherlock Holmes of clothing - it would be replaced in the same drawer open to the same amount and folded in the same way it had been when I took it - short of taping hairs to the door she would never have known I had been in her room. Nothing was ever out of place unless it had come from the laundry basket.
I also said that when I first started looking at gender videos and blogs I did watch a few videos but stopped because the ones I found all seemed to be from people who had transitioned when young and it wasn't so much that they did not feel trans that made them de-transition but that they could no longer take the negatives from being their preferred gender.
Though I have been sat wondering W.T.F. I am doing this week. Asking myself if all of this stress is going to be worth it - if becoming female is actually going to make me feel more like the real me or less - especially if I have to teach myself to talk differently and walk differently and wear a wig to disguise my shiny testosterone created dome... am I going to be more me or less me?
Being transgender is not THE journey for me - I have told a couple of people that trying to find out who I am now I am on my own again is where this journey started, unpicking why I felt so good being dressed as a woman and actually stopping to ask myself why I have felt the need to dress in womens clothing on and off for my entire life is how I have gotten to this point.
I said that the more I share online the more people seem to understand my thoughts and feelings and experiences and be able to draw parallels with their own lives, and while it is great to make connections with people who truly understand putting yourself under a microscope like this I think part of me was hoping that no one would have had the same thoughts or experiences and I could tell myself that I was not transgender and just stay a slightly kinky bloke forever.
It was in this frame of mind that I turned up for my consultant's session as the beauty Spa that I had booked myself into to talk about getting my facial and body hair removed. I had to ask directions twice as the spa is attached to a very swanky hotel in the town, but it means that reputation and service are going to be high even if the price is inflated to match their fluffy white towels...
I had a brief medical form to fill in and sat waiting for my consultant to arrive, just me - bald guy in a jacket using his male name, the twenty something year old lassie beside me and two older ladies across from me and nobody saying a word or looking at each other - the ladies soon went off to get their nails done and the lassie was then called leaving me on my own. The receptionist bless her did offer me a cup of tea but I have read online that caffeine can somehow make you more sensitive to the pain so I was doing all this without my morning coffee..
The consultant breezed in with her own steaming mug of coffee and I was shown into the room while she moaned about the lack of parking and being blocked fromher space due to a classic car collection parked outside - I made a comment about the men showing off their new toys to one another and she made the usual must be compensating for something joke and then we got down to business.
Which areas do you want done? and then why do you want your hair removed - initially I just talked about having experienced being hairless for the first time in my adult life last halloween that I just really was getting fed up of shaving, but in a few more moments she asked again why I wanted all my hair removed and so I said that I had been questioning my gender. Wow - talk about saying the right thing.
She had been pleasant before, but oh my word if this did not feel like the big reveal at a game show!
Instantly she asked a lot of questions about if I had attended the local clinic or been to my GP because she is on first name terms with the woman there and that she has lots of other girls come in and I literally got about 15 minutes of sage advice about getting all my ducks in a row before coming out - how wearing female clothing can still be done subtly without the need to wear a miniskirt and become a tart (I am paraphrasing) my response was that with the best will int the world I would not suit a miniskirt even if I wanted to!
I had to remind her that I have not even had my initial meeting yet, that I was not on hormones and was not even close to claiming sessions on the NHS - but I was there because I have never grown a beard and have always hated my facial hair and the chore of shaving so even if I never went through with transition it is a good investment to never need to shave again. There were other quickfire conversations mostly prefaced with a comment about how she probably shouldn't say anything but I said that other than my two sisters she is the first living person i have told face to face and I always appreciate honesty over back handed compliments.
From that point on I became dear and sweetie and while she still f'ed and blinded (heavily swore) her way through our meeting it was like a breath of fresh air - she volunteered to put me in touch with the local support group there and confirmed that in her opinion I am right not to say anything to my ex or my children until I am much further a long and that we will talk about make up and where and how to get my eyebrows done and all sorts of things - before eventually getting back to the sessions. Apparently I will not be straight forward - but in my life that is a constant and so I was not expecting anything less - she went through the two types of laser - IPL and NDYAG and said that IPL was like a weed clearer - it would kill of the darkest hairs but be useless against the red and white hairs that my Scottish caucasian genes have blessed me with.
The YAG laser is much more powerful and will kill off a lot more, but is far more focused and covers a smaller area, which means it takes longer and is almost twice as expensive, and then finally all that should be left would be the white hairs for electrolysis. I talked about whether laser was a false economy as I did not want to throw good money after bad for a temporary solution and she assured me that the thermal reaction is permanent, it takes many multiples of sessions because of the growth cycles but she can keep me right and will let me know when the best times are to go in and for which treatment - The lasers have improved since she first started working with them, but if you use it on the wrong pigment type it will not get down far enough to excite the hair root inside the follicle to detonate and then pretty much just becomes a fancy way of waxing as the hair is not destroyed.
She said she had started this 30 odd years ago and was trained in Italy as the lasers she uses were not available in the UK at the time - the good news is that the YAG laser seems to be pretty good, the IPL one she knew was pointless on my face but felt that it wold work well on my chest and back hair where my Pili Multigemini is actually a blessing.
The test patches were like being flicked with an elastic band in the face repeatedly - unpleasant but not unbearable, and the smell of burning hair I already know from years of throwing hair brush contents onto open fires.. my skin just looks like I have a shaving rash which on a male is not even worth noticing.
I am going back for my first hour of treatment next Saturday - it is going to cost me an absolute fortune, but the knowledge and openness and understanding of this woman not only put me totally at ease but I was positively floating when I left.
I then proceeded to the hotel bar where I met my other elder sister for coffee and recounted my session, we put the world to rights and then I accompanied her to a different salon in the town where she was getting her shellaq nails removed - it was not an intentional thing but was again another usually all female space that I came into - after an amazing day I have then collected the children and driven home - normally I would blog abut this on my Monday, but I needed to get it down before I forget the feeling.
I may have looked and presented male for most of the day, but it actually turned out to be a very affirming Dee day after all!
Last weekend was a long weekend off for me, Friday, Sat, Sun and Monday off from my "retirement" part time job with a Medi- Transportation Co., picking up clients and bringing them to their medical appointments. Was looking forward to the continuity of being able to live life just as Jess, and I did just that. By Monday night, I dreaded Tuesday having to return to boy mode and go back to work. That evening, I got my text from the boss, also a business friend, for Tuesday's assignment asking if it would be okay with me. (have been working more or less on call, as needed). " Pick up a couple from Albany, NY at 6am going to Boston Med, wait several hours, and return them to Albany, an all day transport. (about 10 hours)
Tuesday, up at 3:30 am (had to leave my house by 5am.) THEN, I got the bright idea! This is gonna be a job for Jess!🙋♀️ I washed, threw on my girl Jeans, a top, my make-up and my hair and out the door I went. The couple, close to my age, were from Italy, spoke very broken English, and spoke among themselves in Italian and got several calls in Italian from their kids along the way. We didn't talk much at first, only a few pleasantries along the way. I honestly couldn't yet tell if they made me or not! About an hour outside Boston the Turnpike turned to a standstill and it appeared we were gonna be up to an hour late for the appointment. Thanks to GPS, I re-routed and went the rest of the way off the highways, through the suburbs, over the hills, and through the tunnels, back through the neighborhoods and got there in the nick of time. I dropped them off and gave the gentleman my cell number and said I have to find out where to park my car, so when you're done, just call me and I'll find you. He said what's your name? I almost screwed that one up but said Jessica, call me Jess! He did call, I got my car out of the parking garage, and promptly found them. In the interim I sat in Starbuck's for a while sipping, no gulping, coffee, 2 large cups, and walked around the district streets some.
On the way back, we talked quite a bit, learning a little about each other and where we each lived. At the end of the ride, the gentleman stuck his head back in, and said, "Hey Jess, you did a good job, thank you!. What a great feeling! Only thing, I'm gonna have to deal with it when they call for their next appointment and they ask for Jessica😁 Oh well😍
Well, I ordered Pueraria Mirifica, if it works as it is supposed to, I will start to develop a bit upstairs, along with some other benefits. When my wife notices, I have a feeling she will just leave...or kick me out. I think I am beyond caring because I am as calm about this as I have been about anything in quite a while.
I love you all,
I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words...
I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP. Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer a 12 minute quiz - most of the questions were dead easy for me to answer because I have literally lived a lot of the situations and know how I respond to them.
The quiz does not "do" much but is designed to help you understand why you behave in a certain way when faced with certain situations, and why you possibly get on with or clash with others - the times I have taken it have all been in work place training seminars designed to improve team effectiveness. (I know the P as perception rather than prospecting - but it is the same letter)
Thank you for completing our personality test! Here is a copy of your results:
Personality type: “The Mediator” (INFP-T)
Individual traits: Introverted – 89%, Intuitive – 63%, Feeling – 99%, Prospecting – 79%, Turbulent – 51%
Strategy: Constant Improvement
Here is the wiki explanation of me
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.
P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.
All in all I am not surprised, it does not change the fact that I work in a position that forces me into an extroverted role in a lot of my dealings with others - but that is why the people parts mean so much to me - and also why I can spew forth so much in my blog because the thoughts and feelings are constantly swirling away! Even when I spend days hiding in my house without feeling a need to speak to someone and then get exhausted by the interaction when I do.
As someone who is trying to know who I am it is somewhat reassuring to know that this has not changed, and perhaps it offers some insight as to why I agonise so much over everything - even to the point of trying to write in a way that eliminates the need for gendered pronouns (in case I accidentally offend someone or they read too much in to my choice whether habit or deliberate - can I refer to myself as herself when I haven't taken any steps to actually back that up and would technically be a himself even though I do not really want to be most of the time or themselves which makes me separate out male-me and Dee which is an impossible task? You get the drift...)
Do you know what your personality type is I wonder and does it seem to match up with your own thoughts?
Well my wife actually delivered an ultimatum, if I transition, she will divorce me. Part of me wants to just get it over with, but I totally don't want to hurt my daughter. I don't know if spending time with friends every so often as my true self will be enough. She knows that I cross dress when i am with them and showed serious displeasure when I try told her.
I wish I could have gotten an initial appointment with a therapist before April 3. I really need professional help.
When I was 15 or so my friend and I discovered the self printing business card machine in the local shopping centre. We were always on the lookout for a cheap way to spend the most time when we were out so we promptly hatched a plan that seemed hilarious to us at the time. We printed out 250 business cards that said (something along the lines of)
We are the fashion police.
You are under arrest for crimes against fashion."
And for the afternoon we became the fashion police, bold as brass running up and handing them out to people in the street or slipping them in their bags or on their dinner trays at the food courts as we passed.
We got a few chuckles and were called cheeky gits but for some reason no one really took offence - probably because we were just two young lads with very little fashion sense ourselves and we had/have great smiles. It could also be because people recognised that we were not out doing drugs or mugging anyone but simply having some harmless fun.
I say this because today I would have arrested myself 😂 my male wardrobe is bland at best - but it is designed to be, baggy and boring.
However once I dropped my son off at his mums after school I came home and decided to practice putting on some makeup - I am not good enough to do strong colours yet so the smoky look I was going for just highlights the fact I had less than 3 hrs sleep last night.
Fashion-wise I tried to wear a pair of blue denim shorts over a pair of tights - the shorts were from my sisters hand me down pile she gave me to try out when I told her I was questioning my gender and they are fairly long - I have seen denim shorts over tights and while usually it is a look common among the younger generation, like printed leggings, I have seen a few women my age do something similar in spring.
I tried them on tonight with a top and decided I look like a train wreck (that's the polite phrase - a completely different word came to my mind).
After painting my nails a dark but different shade I decided that while the top half was okay if a bit amateur hour - I simply do not have the figure to pull off wearing the shorts.
So after trying it out in less than five minutes I went back and changed - a red skirt I love and bought from a charity shop when I was feeling brave, but I put it on with the same top and a changed from simple lip gloss to a light pink lipstick and the combination works so much better in my opinion.
Now I know I like skirts and dresses over jeans - I find them more feminine and they make me feel more feminine too, being a UK 16-18 puts me firmly in the average size bracket of most of my female friends but having seen them on I would not be caught dead wearing those shorts outside. They may be going in the charity bin...
I am also torn because I seem to have a small natural cleavage when I put a bra on - it is a sign of the weight that I put on at Christmas and have not yet shifted - my tummy definitely needs to go but I will be quite sad to lose my mini bust.
If I want to survive a weekend out as Dee some time I am going to have to get more clothes as women do not wear the same clothes for days like men do. I am wearing my long hair tonight because it makes me feel more womanly and it also saves my nice blond hair for wearing out.
I need to do more spying to see what passes for fem casual, below is what I consider to be the new and slightly improved casual look - suitable for blogging, snacking and reading my gender book.. which are my plans for what is left of this evening.
Tomorrow I first have to go and get my car headlight fixed so I can then drive at night without being stopped. Just the thought of lifting a car bonnet makes me anxious let alone asking for the right bulb! On top of that I found out that I need to replace my 2 front tires so will have to book it into a garage too - not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.
Well this morning has been an interesting one, I've been realising that a few of my feelings have shifted... Since the end of last October I have been using female deodorant exclusively, I prefer the smell and found that the "sure" brand were neutral enough for everyday use without being overtly feminine. I ran out this week and hadn't bought more as the kids have been with me when I have gone shopping, so used my male deodorant for the first time in months this morning and realised that I do not like it at all. I don't smell right. When I came back to my house I actually put some perfume on just to cover the scent.
I also watched a Pixar short called Purl - it is obviously about sexism and chauvinism in the workplace, but when Purl observes the others and then moulds herself to fit in - it managed to capture exactly how I feel around male dominated groups. I'd recommend it, though it does have an adult joke in it so it is not aimed at young kids.
Tonight is the first time my wife stormed out of the bedroom when I came to bed...I'm laying here crying wondering if this is the sign that it's over...If it's best for her then so be it, I have already know that I am not wearing women's clothes just for the sake of it, nor do I want to hurt anyone just because of this. There is just no way that I could purge just to make her happy, but it's ripping me apart knowing that I am upsetting her. She will not even talk to me right now.
So today I took another small step forwards.
I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me.
I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year.
What a total difference to the last time I tried to call!
Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending.
Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege.
Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself.
I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support.
This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file.
I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up.
I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting.
It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case. The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make.
For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day!
My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖
So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me. She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek. As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save. Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years.
When I tried to snuggle into her, she tells me that she feels smothered, even before so of this came out. I would like to try to make this work out, partly because of our 7 year old daughter, but it is starting to feel more like a roommate arrangement then a marriage.
Still here, and less confused,
there are days i wonder if i need to rethink what it means to exist as i am,will i find another path to break down other walls and find a bright room on the other side,or is it better to stay safe here alone in this dark and warm shadow of reality? i used to know the answer to this,but at 72 i have begun to once again ask questions with no answers concerning my expectations from life
walls protect while caging us in our pain and fear,but as one book said,i have no mouth and i MUST SCREAM some days that is how i feel and i cannot even cry to make it better.
will we sing and dance like monsters at the alter of our greed, to fall to the treasures great temptation only to find it just dross,not truth at all,but only more doubt?
On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity.
It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender.
Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her.
So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List".
I was surprised about a few things.
Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her).
Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬
Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female.
It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right.
I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently).
As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about.
Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were. I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing),
After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently).
While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work.
I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers.
As always, all my love,