Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
As I have written earlier, I had my first sewing class yesterday at Cynthia's Fine Fabrics in Margate, Florida. My late wife bought her machine there a few years ago, and introductory classes are free to machine owners. It was a small gathering--only myself and three other ladies, all quilters. I sat across from a snowbird from New Jersey, who had just purchased a pretty fancy BabyLock sewing machine. She asked me what I sew, and I told her that I wanted to learn women's fashion sewing. She didn't pursue it any further and was cordial and friendly for the remainder of the class. I really needed this class as it covered a lot of machine basics as well as some beginning sewing techniques. The new machines are pretty advanced and do more and more of the work for you. It's good to know what they are capable of. Cynthia feels that I could benefit from taking the course over before moving on to the next level and I agree. We have a homework assignment to practice our machine stitches. It was fun, and I'm anxious to keep going. I have so many fun things in my head to make when I develop some proficiency, like jumpsuits and rompers, as well as dresses and tops and pants. It will be nice to make things that fit my body type. I will be better at altering the ladies' clothing that I already have too. I'll keep everyone up to date.
Bullying is a problem for everyone, sooner or later, at every age and stage of life.
Sometimes it's subtle and other times it's very direct.
In short, a behavior becomes bullying when a person "triangulates," which means bringing one or more other person(s) in to act against the victim.
Others may have behaviors we don't like, such as racism, but this is their problem, not yours. However, we have a right and obligation (bystander) to call out bullies because it creates an unsafe emotional space for all.
Let's take a closer look . . .
What Is And Is Not Bullying
Telling others not to sit by or talk to someone just because you don't like them.
Intimidating others into liking or disliking others.
Shaming others about their weight or body shape.
Intimidating others into following fads.
Intimidating others into not accepting others based on racism, nationalism, ethnicism or gender.
Spreading lies and rumors.
Choosing to not sit by or talk to someone you don't like.
Allowing others to make their own choices about whom to make friends with.
Choosing to not be friends with someone based on the fact they are friends with someone you don't like if they do not agree to not talk about you with their friend.
How To Handle Bullies
Do not answer back.
Do not look at them.
Turn away from them, but discreetly keep an eye on them for safety's sake.
Do not talk about them or the situation except with people that you are absolutely sure are trustworthy (people you know who won't repeat what you say to the bully or the bully's friends).
Realize they will turn on somebody else, when they no longer have access to you. You are not the first, nor the last they will bully!
Remember, everyone has been bullied at least once in their lives.
Listen to music through headphones/ear buds to help you tune them out.
Being the victim of bullying is not your fault!
Be polite and respectful calling out bullies for bullying behavior. Do not be surprised if they deny it or outright lie about it.
Be careful not to be a bully yourself.
Why Do They Bully?
Self-dislike, or worse, self-hate
Abuse survivor without getting counseling or some other kind of help for it
Bullied themselves while growing up
Attempting to raise their "worth" to their friends
Power struggle - they fear others will like you more than them
They bully when their victim does not expect it, so their victim will be slow to respond.
They will try to bully when you are in an enclosed environment, such as working behind the counter, riding the bus, co-working in a small office, etc.
They confuse being aggressive with being assertive.
Preventing bullying is the best way to address the problem.
Allowing it to progress makes our community more and more unsafe, both emotionally and physically, for everyone.
Anti-bullying education should start with parents, as part of a strongly recommended marriage/parenting and family life class for everyone.
Children often get their first taste of bullying in sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry has to be addressed very pro-actively in a consistent, gentle but firm manner, as well as sibling rivalry.
We won't be able to rid bullying entirely out of our lives because it's driven by insecurity, that we all experience on occasion, but it can be greatly minimized, by mindful living.
Would love to hear from others who have been bullied and how you handled it.
I noticed that when I’m in the shower washing the shampoo out of my hair with my eyes closed I only feel female. I didn’t notice it before because I was always trying to picture myself as a female. Everyday I get into the shower and tuck everything back and away then I stretch backwards as far as I can. I have been doing this to stretch out my stomach muscles and physically stretching my stuff down there. My thought is to keep as much length in my penis so that if I decide to have SRS there is as much to work with as possible. This should provide more depth after the operation (if I get it). This is just a theory but it does stretch stuff out in my abdomen as well and that is good too. I have been doing this for a long time even before I decided to transition but since that decision and reading a lot about the surgery my purpose for doing it has changed. I also like the way it makes me look and I can feel more like a girl temporarily. Now a days my testicular boys are so small that they just pop back up into the sockets while I move around during my washing. Then I release the boys in order to clean down there. Sorry for the graffic picture but hey that’s what’s going on. Now my point is that something has changed in my mind. I used to imagine myself as female but now I just think I am female or at least feel more like a female than a male. I know this is because my body is really starting to look female, boobs, hips, butt, hair getting longer, skin etc. and I love to feel that as well as I wash my body. Looking down at everything is a wonderful feeling and I can spend way too much time doing it. Until the hot water runs out. Here’s the thing though, when I tip my head back to rinse my hair and arch my back I don’t imagine that I am female. I feel that I am female and there is no more male, at all. It is a very natural thing and I have a hard time thinking of myself as a boy(I have to try) This has slowly progressed over time and it seems like my brain has switched. I’m not sure if this is from conditioning or hrt or a combination of both. Probably both. Now I am starting to feel this way during the day but not all the time. It comes and goes. I can say though that my female self is starting to take over though and it is becoming very hard not to present female in some way. Boy clothes have no appeal to me anymore, even my favorite boy jeans are unacceptable to wear. Now I can still wear them but I just don’t want to. I can understand all of this from a scientific point of view and from the fact that I am finally letting the real me out after repressing myself for so long but there is more to it though. I used to say to myself that if things became to much I could just de-transition whether it be for my family or for me. That is not the case anymore. I used to feel like I was pretending to be a girl and I loved the feeling that it provided me. I think a better way to say it is that I loved presenting as a female. It made me feel more comfortable and content in my skin. “This feels right but it’s wrong” kind of thing and it was very exciting but knowing it was temporary. Now it’s the opposite. “This is just normal for me” and to get into boy mode makes me feel like a fraud. Like I am tricking people into thinking I am a boy. It’s a crazy shift in my mental image of myself. Powerful. I am not sure if this is a normal progression that others have experienced but I would probably guess that it is. The boy is disappearing and she is dominating. Even though I have wanted this for so long it is causing me a bit of anxiety. Not much but it’s there. I feel like I’m losing myself in a weird way, almost like I don’t want him to disappear and I find myself trying to hold onto somethings. “He” is and was a great person and “she” will be too, but I just can’t help feeling a little sadness about wiping him out. He won’t be gone completely but let’s be honest about it, he is going away. There are lots of friends that will miss him and all the memories that go along with his life. The people closest to me that I see all the time will have time to adjust and I will still see me, just different looking and acting more like a girl but, those that I haven’t seen will not even recognize me. Example: I ran into a friend the other day that I have not seen in 7 months. We know each other pretty well but we are not super close. We played poker together once a month and I would see him around at other events or parties. I went up to him last week and said “hello how are you doing? It’s good to see you.” He looked at me dumb founded. He had no idea who I was. I was not presenting female at all. I had to explain to him who I was! Then he was like oh hey you’ve changed did you lose weight? Yes, yes I have. He didn’t really know what to say and we just chitchated about little things, it was uncomfortable. I did not like it. Anyway this felt crapy to me and caused me to question what I was doing. I felt a strong desire to plan out a strategy for telling all my friends now so that when they do see me they won’t be thrown off. I haven’t done anything yet and I will contemplate on that for some time over the next month. I think early 2019 will be the year to come out to all. I just have to get the family foundation solid for that. I am also going to try another experiment 😉. Tonight I will go to a Christmas party and I will get in total dude mode. Nothing feminine and I will act like one of the boys. Making no conscious effort to be female. I am just going to be the old me. (If I can). I’ll let you know what happens and hopefully this will shed some light on where I am in my mind. Being transgender is such an amazing adventure. Definitely not boring 😊
I used to wonder why my wife would take the time and trouble to iron pillow cases and sheets. Sure, they looked nice when folded in the closet and when first put on the bed. But in two seconds, they would be wrinkled again, and no one would know. But yesterday, I bought a new mattress and today it is being delivered, so I had to strip my old bed to get ready for the new one. Well. I might as well wash my sheets. I tried to use the wrinkle free setting on the dryer which seemed to work pretty well the last time I used it, but no so much this time. The sheets were pretty wrinkly. Not good. I decided it was time that maybe I ironed the sheets. As I did, several thoughts occurred to me. First of all, this was my wife’s “rice bowl” as it were. She had a very creased, tailored, button-down personality, and this was her way of expressing herself. It was her job to make sure that I left the house neat and sharp looking, and the household had to be the same. The second notion was that this was somewhat therapeutic, sort of like mowing the lawn. A sheet is a large expanse of fabric, but it is flat for the most part—contour sheets a little different—and pretty easy to do, unlike shirts which require more skill. I also found it to be very womanly and felt more feminine doing it for some reason. I enjoyed that. This is another step in my progression to live the last years of my life in an increasingly feminine fashion.
I never thought I would every do anything like this and tell my story to complete strangers on a blog.
I was born Brian and come from small town in England. Growing up I felt that I was trapped in the wrong body and also preferred to hang around girls.
I started my transgender hormone therapy three years ago and in the summer I had sex reassignment surgery and having my breast implants in January next year
When I told my family and friends they were shocked but wanted me to be happy.
I lost a few friends along the way and got called freak and weirdo by some people.
My girlfriend at the time has now become my best friend and has been my rock over the past three years. She even came to the hospital when I was having my operation
Work have been very support about it too and some the women said they will help me out with makeup tips and clothes shopping.
I got a nice a dress to wear on Christmas day as my first proper Christmas as Becky
So, a while back I get this store credit from Ashley Furniture for $219. I think it was for a damaged sofa cushion that was long ago taken care of, but whatever. With a lot going on, I put it aside and almost forget about it. When I do look at it to see if it’s the real deal, it says that it expires on December 8, so if I’m going to use it, I better get busy. I could use a new area rug and maybe a runner. I don’t know where I got this in my head, but I was thinking it was for Rooms-to-Go, and I locate a store close to me. It’s a Friday afternoon, and RTG is in an area of town that I have never been. I figure I’ll check it out, and do a little more prospecting while I’m at it. It took a little doing—I drove right past it the first time—but I did find the store. I wanted to double check the credit letter before going in, and lo and behold, it said Ashley Furniture Home Store, not Rooms-to-Go! For dumb.! (Glad I didn’t go in.)
It turns out that the nearest Ashley store is in Boca Raton. Well, that’s really not too far from me, and I was already out, so I decided to go for it. I get to the store and ask about runners—don’t have—and the rugs are on the floor. I think then that I could use a couple of new table lamps as mine seem to work intermittently despite my best efforts to replace the bulb sockets. After some looking, I find a modern looking lamp that I like and buy two of them. I go over my credit by $55, but what the hey. I figure I’ll pick them up in the morning as the warehouse is close to my dog groomer, and I have an appointment for the boys. When I get home, I try to find places to fit my new purchases and am not happy with what I am trying to figure out. When morning comes, I decide that it was not such a great deal after all, and I decide to cancel the whole thing. Not so easy.
I did call and cancel, but since I combined the store credit with my credit card purchase, I had to go back to the store to get my credit card money back—not sure about this, but I went along. On the way to the store, I decided that if I am going to buy something, what I really need is a new mattress. This was way more than I had planned on spending, but it was something I did need—mine is over 25 years old, and I have been napping a lot lately. Maybe it was time. I got my same sales guy. I lay down on one mattress and thought it was okay. He said, not so fast. Take your time with a mattress purchase. Lie on each one for several minutes to let it adjust to your body. I must have spent at least 45 minutes doing just that, and I finally found a mattress that was in my price range that worked. It will be delivered tomorrow on Sunday of all things. I just got a text confirming the times. I am excited about getting a new bed. Oh, and I bought a pillow too. In for a penny, in for a pound. We’ll see if my sleep improves.
What is Important in a Relationship
What I have noticed is that many people create their own loneliness either by not being mindful of what they are looking for in a partner or what they can offer to a partner.
Many people think that love just "happens," to them ("you'll know you're in love when it happens to you," as my dear Mother used to say, may God rest her soul).
Here's an example, based on my own life, and I recommend people to make such a list so they can be more aware of their needs:
What I Can Bring To The Table
Wide variety of interests
Not looking for a "Sugar Mama"
What My Needs Are
No heavy drinking
Must understand I am on a budget
Open to Living Apart Together (LAT)
Am allergic to pets/tobacco smoke
My partner must be clean and dress neatly
My partner must have the same degree of femininity (mid-butch) as me, or more feminine
Basically, I could be with a wide range of women, rather than a "type," but they have to have an excellent CHARACTER.
This is an example of writing it all down, instead of keeping it all in your head, so that you will have a more clear idea of what you can offer others in a relationship and what is important to you in a relationship.
Wow what a great trip. To be honest I really didn’t want to go but I agreed only because my wife wanted to go. What was I thinking!?
Well I’m back now and warm and snuggly lying on my couch wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Ummmm😊. It was quite chilly up there but I loved it. I was able to wear my favorite style the whole time, tight jeans with leggings underneath for warmth a tight thin thermal top with a v neckline and a form fitting sweater or turtleneck. Cute and sexy. Just a bit. The only thing I didn’t have was a pair of great boots but hey I’ll survive till next time.
I had the best time. I got up early every morning and went for a run/walk listening to music. I explored most of the city watching it wake up as the sunrise seemed to pull everyone out of bed. It was very peaceful early in the morning and then interesting to watch the busy bees go off to work, tourists off to see the site and history of this city. Boston is probably one of my favorite cities. The city is clean and friendly with some fantastic architecture. There are also great sections of the city that have there own vibe and are all fairly close to each other making it very interesting to go on a walk about. Little cafes, shops and restaurants make for great pit stops and art everywhere. I found some yoga studios for the next time I come back. It wasn’t sunny everyday but even a little rain was not going to stop me plus the run helps keep my legs and butt looking good. 😊
We met family and friends and toured a college campus for my oldest one. It was a great to see everyone. I was so happy that they drove all the way to Boston to see us. I told my sister awhile back that l was transgender and this was the first time that she saw me in a year. I was dressed in nice tight jeans with a sweater and vest and a cute knit hat (again). No one else knew about me being transgender but everyone was great and told me that I looked really good. So that’s nice 🙂. My sister checked out my body changes a bit and was shocked at how I have changed. In a good way. We all had a nice time and ended with a meal together. Later we went back to the hotel to rest for a bit then off we went. Dinner and a show. We had a wonderful dinner with my wife’s aunt who is about my age. The meal was fantastic and the restaurant is one of my wife’s favorites. There were many customers going to the show as well and it was fun to observe all the fancy attire. I did find myself comparing my choice in clothing to other women dressed in a similar fashion. My wife’s aunt was definitely checking me out and I don’t think she knows what is going on but I could tell she was curious. Especially the boobs. Lol. We headed to the show “Hamilton” which is not really my thing but I went for my family. It was important to my wife. Well I really enjoyed it and got tears in my eyes at one point (estrogen at work). I had to hold the tears back because I didn’t want my eyeliner to smudge😬. (I need water proof I guess) Overall the play was great and the opera house was stunning. The woman that played his wife had the most beautiful voice, like an angel. A nice walk back after the show talking about what we all enjoyed the most and observing the city life around us. Then off to bed. Ahh. Up before everyone and hit the streets again for a couple of hours. Then to the gym for stretching, a bit of yoga and meditation followed by a long steam. I could get used to this routine in life 😘. Then I would wake the family and go down the hallway for breakfast. Refreshed and ready for the next adventure. That would be my routine every morning. We went to all the usual places (science museum, Quincy market, aquarium, historic trails etc.) and explored the city as a family. It was great to teach the kids about history and how to navigate around a metropolitan area. Shopping was fun as well with great little shops around every corner. One night we went down the street to a restaurant/bar and the staff turned out to be transgender friendly. 😊 They had an arcade, pool tables, shuffle board and bowling in a nightclub atmosphere. Black lights and cool colorful lights everywhere, disco balls but dark and hip. We all loved it. They had a deejay booth and played great music from all eras. The bowling lanes were like a dance floor! After 10pm you have to be 21 to get in but because we were already in they let us stay with the kids. The kids thought that was awesome. My wife had a few drinks and she started to loosen up and not worry about the trans stuff. I and the kids were having a blast together and she joined in quickly. She even said that this was the most fun we have had together in a long time. She was happy and just loved it. I could be me and she was okay with that. We stayed there all night and somewhere as the evening went on she realized that we were all going to be alright as a family. She was okay with the transgender me. Still a fun person, still a warm hearted cat, still a great dad and there was still an attraction and love for one another😊. WOW. I didn’t see that coming. The only time that her eyebrows went up was when I was changing clothes for bed and walked out into the room with just leggings and a lite sweater on with my hair back after washing my face. (I love that look) She was a bit fearful that the kids would question me on it. So I dialed it back for her. I also think she might be just a bit jealous about how good I looked. She is trying to lose a bit of weight. I need to keep that in mind in the future.
We spent the next couple of days building on that night with other events like a movie and Celtics game. We held hands quite a bit and I didn’t have to always initiate it. Her aunt took a picture of us on the first night walking to the play, we all had our arms locked together at the elbows. It was organic and we didn’t know she took the picture. When she sent it to my wife I could see how much it meant to her and I felt the same way. I told her how much I loved her and that I was never going to leave her. We both kissed with tears welling up in our eyes. Wow what a beautiful moment. I also thanked her for being so patient and having the courage to face her fears about what life might be like in future. Life is what you make of it and I am still learning to embrace the new adventure being transgender has provided me. I intended to live it with my mind and eyes wide open. I don’t regret the past, I live in the moment and the future is an exciting mystery. 😍
Never give up on your dreams.
Live love learn....😍
Black Friday or Viernes Negro as they say here. Interesting day. Aren’t they all from here on in.
I hadn’t planned on going out today. I did my second coat of Kilz II in the bathroom and front door. Then, I got to sewing or at least altering. I managed to get the machine working again and hemmed up one t-shirt. I also got halfway through a nightshirt that I am making into a dress when my thread got hung up in the machine. I tried to fix it myself and only ended up removing a button from the side of the machine which didn’t help. So, I didn’t want to damage the expensive Pfaff and did the best thing which was to take it to Cynthia’s for cleaning and repair. Cynthia was conducting a class, so she was unable to work with me, but another lady named Susan was more than helpful. She showed me several things about the machine and wrote up my ticket for cleaning. She actually got the thread out, and the button turned out to be a thread cutter on which she cut her finger. I casually mentioned that I needed to take a class myself, and on the way out she gave me the information. I also mentioned it to Cynthia who was enthusiastic about me joining. So, now it looks like I am going to take a sewing class which I desperately need. I just don’t know what I tell Cynthia and the other ladies. Why am I learning how to sew? Well, you see I am a transgender person and I want to make ladies’ clothing that will fit my male body. Duh! Not sure how that will fly. First class is on December 8. I’ll think of something.
Although I have shared my coming out over the past week, I wanted to write a little more about it here. It has been almost a year and a half since my wife died, and I became free to express my feminine side, albeit secretly. In the process, I have been able to share my evolution with the online community of sisters and have received much-needed support and encouragement along the way. Thank you. Recently, however, I have increasingly felt that I need to open up about my secret life to some of the people close to me. It began a week ago with lunch with my lady friends from my previous employment and continued yesterday when I opened up to my sister. Both instances were very positive and encouraging. I truly feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel like a new person with a new life. I have no immediate plans to come out to any additional family members at this point. If they find out, that's okay. I'll deal with it. I don't have anything to hide, and I'm happy with who I am. The journey continues.
Well I’m off to bean town and this will be great. We are doing a family bonding trip before thanksgiving and have a lot of fun things planned. I will also be seeing my sister, who I haven’t seen since last year. I told her that I was transgender on coming out day. I am so excited to see her. I will also be seeing my brother, sister in-law, nephew and an aunt. I may come out to my brother but I’ll have to gauge that at the moment. I personally would just tell everyone but I have to respect my wife. I can’t wait to wear some winter clothes too. I’m going to girl it up just a bit around my kids to see how they react. I’m trying to slowly get them used to seeing a more feminine side of me. I bought some cute turtleneck sweaters and some leggings. I should go and buy some girl cross boots 🥾 but we will see. I am also going to bring an earring for my one pierced ear from years ago. I will also wear a bit of eyeliner. I know it sounds silly but I am so excited to go. I feel so alive! I can’t even remember the last time I was so excited to go somewhere without some sort of anxiety. Wow what a beautiful feeling. 😍
It has been a while since I have been here, so I need to bring this blog up-to-date. I think I was in the process of selling my house when I last wrote. We went to closing on October 2, so that is a done deal. In the meanwhile, I bought an older mobile home in a 55+ senior park and am completing my second month here. At this writing, all is going well, and I am happy with my decisions. The park is safe and quiet. Well, I am somewhat near the railroad tracks, but I have gotten used to the trains. The bed does rumble a little when the trains go by, but it's like having a vibrating bed, and I have gotten used to it. The neighbours are nice, and pretty much keep to themselves which I appreciate being somewhat of a recluse. I actually feel more comfortable wearing more feminine clothing in my early morning outings with my puppies. I do run into an occasional fellow dog walker, but it's dark and early and nobody seems to mind at that hour.
So, this brings me to my news for the day. As I may have mentioned, I have been a secret cross-dresser, transgender sissy for all my life. During this past year since my wife died, I have been able to express myself more fully at home which has been good, but I still present male to the outside world. That will probably be the case for the foreseeable future as I would have a hard time at t his point working as a female. I'm just not ready. But, I do have some female friends from my previous work at PACE Center for Girls. I had lunch with two of them last year, and today, we met again for lunch. I made up my mind, that I would let them know that I had a feminine side and was transgender. I was somewhat nervous and apprehensive about doing it, but I needed to be open and honest with them about my true self. As it turned out, they were very accepting and sympathetic, and I felt so relieved to finally open up to the outside world. We hope to meet again soon as we all had a good time. Next time, I will officially be one of the "girls." Maybe even do a little dressing. They already want to call me Michelle. What fun!
Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle.
My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an unattainable standard."
That triggered me. I was delighted that she sees me as another woman, at least mentally. But it's habitual that I wonder how does she know? Is she saying that just to be kind? And more importantly, what am I, really?
I think we all wish that we can be "fixed" of our anxieties, to be rid of them. I'm learning that this just doesn't happen. We need to learn to live with them. Maybe this quote from Brene Brown's recent "Braving the Wilderness" will help:
"Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.
True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."
Okay, throughout my entire life, I have often accumulated various articles and many times, entire wardrobes of woman's clothing, shoes, make-up, wigs, etc. In my own privacy I dressed up, sometimes if only for a short period and other times for extended periods. More often than not, I always had my "stash", which gave me much comfort in the thought that I would someday be able to transition and live my life of a woman without going back. It seems that every time I had a "life changing event", for example, new girlfriend, marriage, birth of a son or daughter, new job, I would always purge those things I loved in an attempt to live a life according to what I wrongly perceived as normal. Well about two years ago I decided what was actually normal for ME was to prepare for transitioning. As I approached retirement age, (I don't think I'll ever really retire), I began to downsize my business in order to run it without any employees. (I often had a dozen). My wife was no longer physically able to work it with me. So in the privacy of my business basement when off times permitted, I began to accumulate again, slowly, carefully, with the thought that I may never purge again. Any where from 3-5 times a week over the last two years I was able to "practice, perfect my presentation, walk, practice speech, dress, learn the art of make-up and at the same time lost close to 60 lbs. Well, another life changing event is approaching; my business should be liquidated in the coming 3 weeks, and this weekend I methodically boxed everything up and brought it home! About 30 dresses and suits, skirts, 3 dozen blouses and tops, slacks, skirts, 5 wigs, make-up, purses, mirrors, and about 12 pairs of shoes. I'll be very busy over the next few weeks with closing my business and for several afterward with the financials, but I'll have everything intact when I'm done so I can take on the life changing event I've waited my whole life for. THAT'S NORMAL😍
So, I needed help again but I was all alone. I took a step in the right direction and the universe sent me what I needed just before I gave up.
I had spent all day in full boy mode for others in my life. Later that evening decided to go to an aa meeting because I haven’t been to one for 2 weeks and I really enjoy trying to help people who are struggling. The funny thing is that ever since I admitted I was trans and started HRT my drinking issues or compulsion to drink have vanished completely. I have had to look at things differently and question why am I still going. AA is really a spiritual thing and in working the steps throughly I was finally able to let go of the one thing that was holding me back. It took me about 15 years to admit I was trans even though when I was doing my 4th step for the first time it was #1 on the list. I just couldn’t write it down because I was terrified. That one I will take to my grave. When the pain of holding on to that secret was stronger than what was in front of it, is when I chose to moved forward rather than die. I couldn’t scar my kids by taking my life. No. So aa has improved my life tremendously and I have very deep relationships across the globe. Amazing. I help people in and out of aa face their fears in life all the time and it brings great meaning and joy to my life. That’s why I still go, to just be there Incase I am needed and to see friends that I trust with my life. So after being in boy mode I wanted, no needed, to feel just a bit feminine. I guess that I didn’t expect pretending to be the masculine guy would effect me the way it did. I felt like I wanted to rip off the boy clothes at the end of the day. Normally I’m okay with boy mode but I think it was because I wasn’t doing it for me and I felt like I was being forced. The truth is that I wasn’t being forced, I was doing it to make others happy. At least that was the idea anyway and it seemed to work. So finally I strip off the boy gear and put on some tight jeans, neutral shoes and a tight top that I bought at Zion national park. The top is a bright green long sleeve shirt with really colorful logos on it and was the first piece of actual girl clothing I ever purchased with my wife standing there. “Are you sure you want this? It’s a girls top. You know that don’t you? I was hoping that if I mixed it in with all the other stuff we were purchasing she wouldn’t notice but she did. For a second I almost backed out and put the shirt back but this time I didn’t. I said I don’t care I really like the colors and logos which was true. I was able to push myself through because the night before I went on night hikes by myself while everyone else was sleeping. I stayed up most of the night hiking under a bright full moon. It was so bright that it was illuminating the canyon completely, it was a clear night as well and just spectacular. I had been contemplating transition for the whole week hiking all over the place and Zion was last on the list. I made the decision that night to move forward with transition and became okay with what that might mean. I Ishtar lose everything I love. I was at peace in my soul. If you have never been there I would add it to the bucket list. My point here is that this silly top has a ton of meaning behind it and it forms to my body☺️ So win win. It’s cute. Anyway I put on this top intending to wear it to the meeting. This meeting is a packed meeting with about 150+ people and the rehabs bus in their clients. There are a lot of young buck and doe running around with attitudes and no intentions of getting sober. They are there for the free ride in “paradise “and to stay out of jail. I have helped many of the serious ones that are becoming aware to get a foot hold on life before they go home but the odds are against them, I still try. Once I got dressed to leave I walked past the mirror and realized that my chest was really popping out. I loved the way I looked. I said oh my god I freakin look good smiling back in the mirror. Standing sideways, checking out my thighs, butt, waist, boobs, shoulders, collarbone, hair and eyes. I was really happy and proud of how much I changed. I put in a lot of effort working out and eating right. Then I became full of fear. Crap! I can’t wear this to the meeting, I might as well bring a poster saying “trans heya! come n get ya trans heya!” like at a ballgame. Some of the rehab guys are unstable and have a lot of pent up anxiety. You just never know who will be there. Well I did not want to take that top off and so the battle was on. I was so pissed at myself for being weak. I was pissed that the rehab guys were freakin me out. I was pissed for having waited all day and now foiled by my own boobs. So, for ten minutes I paced around trying to figure out what to do. Stay, go, I kept changing my mind. I finally just stopped everything and sat outside and just listen. Campfire burning next door, ruslin of the vegetation, lizards running around as my dog chased behind. Breath Christy, Breathe. What the hell is really going on. This is not normal for me. What am I missing? This was my first girly fear. The first time I was actually concerned for my safety. I felt really vulnerable. That is what was freakin me out but I didn’t know it. I am anything but vulnerable so what the hell. HRT is changing my brain I guess, I have read a lot about it but this is the first time I got side swiped by it. I know what girls are talking about now. What would I recommend to somebody In my position right now? Back to the closet I went as I gently took the Zion top off careful not to stretch it because I’m wearing it tomorrow.😊 Now....what to wear? What to wear? (I spend a lot more time in the closet these day just trying to decide) (out of the closet to spend more time in the closet...funny). Anyway I decided on a black stretch tech top from ems that shows off my body and I can zip it down to show some cleavage. I’m tucked with tight jeans, tight revealing top and my hair thrown back. I feel like I look good but I am nervous! I just can’t shake it. I read my affirmations and out the door I went. If I freak out too much I will not go in but I just kept going. I composed myself and lifted my head high walking into the room like I always do. Crap! No seats. Oh there’s one up front. I was hoping for one in the back, dam. I went through the sitting crowd saying hi to a couple of friends on the way and sat down. Whew. Eyes were upon me. A lot of eyes I could feel it and it was intense. Of course I was right next to the rehab guys all muscled up and trying to be cool. They didn’t know what to make of me and I could feel them staring at me the whole time. I would glance over once in a while catching them in the act. Funny. I just looked them in the eye and gave the sup nod. Everything was fine and I listened to the first of 2 speakers. He had an Interesting story to tell and it brought me back to my own life many years ago. He kept emphasizing how full of fear he was in and how he had to force himself to walk through it for a better life. He described the battle and I realized that I was going through it again only a different battle. I didn’t feel comfortable at the break I just had to move so I got some water and planned on leaving. As I was kind of sneaking out the door my friends were yelling hello and I high fives, fist bumps on the way out. Did I over do this? Do I look weird? I thought I looked good but I was very unsure of myself. Also I felt like I was pushing it to far. My wife doesn’t want me to come out yet, she needs more time. Did I just blow that agreement? Crap! I have to get to the safety of my car away from prying eyes. I should have never showed up late drawing so much attention to myself. I’m out the door...almost.. a friend of mine grabs me at the last second to say hello and I shake his hand and say good to see you. He asks if I’m leaving and I say yeah, then he pulled me in close with some force and said “bro when you came in you were looking like a rock star, everyone was like who’s that’s!? man your looking good.” I said thanks dude and walked out. Holycrap. Everything changed in me within 4 steps, I felt like wow I read that wrong. All that stress was for nothing. I should know better than to allow that to happen. It was like I forgot everything I have learned. As I was walking to my car I saw a young girl sitting on the curb close to my car smoking a cigarette and she looked beat. Life has thrown her some tough times but she was beautiful. She felt ugly. She had no energy, no life force, just suffering with herself alone. So, I stopped and sat down next to her and talked for 10 mins. I gave her the energy I had just received and raised her spirits just enough to go back in. She said thanks for taking the time to talk to me and complimented me on my top. 😘 I told her how beautiful she was, everything is going to be okay and said well if you come back tomorrow I have an awesome green one that I’ll wear. Today my wife is taking me to get a pedicure 😊 for the first time ever together.
live the life. Be free. Ask for help and be the tree.
Usually I don’t dress up for Halloween because as a young adult I out grew it. But not this year because I I knew I wanted to go full girl for the first time. Thanks to some of my female friends they helped me lived out my dream. It felt so good to finally do what I always wanted. Had my nails and toes painted, makeover, wig, and heels. Also wore a long dress, it was so much fun to not just hang out with the girls but be one them too!
After a lengthy hiatus, I'm back. My move into my 55+ mobile home park went well, and after being here for almost a month, it appears that my new living arrangement will work out fine. The neighbours are very quiet and keep to themselves. for the most part--I have a mentally disturbed lady living next to me who is a challenge on occasion, but more on that at another time. I have met several other residents when I am out walking my dogs, and again, they are friendly but not overly so. This is fine with me because I am more or less a recluse by nature. I like people, but I am fine being on my own.
It has been a hectic couple of months what with selling the house and moving, and, oh yeah, work, so I haven't had much time to indulge my girly side. That is changing starting today. I have finally had some time to start going through all my dresser drawers and arranging and organizing them. I am finding all my feminine goodies along the way. it is a lot of fun--like Christmas. After a lifetime of semi-denial, I am admitting to myself that I am a sissy at heart. It is just who I am. I would have been happy with a dominant woman but through several wives and girlfriends either one of the other of us understood what it was all about. I am still learning myself. Anyway, it's helpful at this point to have a place to communicate my feelings to an empathetic audience. I will write more as the day progresses. It's pretty early in Florida right now.
Well I’m off on a trip. This is an annual get together with a bunch of guys that I have not seen in a long time. Well most of them. No one knows I’m transitioning but my visible appearance will cause a lot of questions. If anyone try’s to be offensive to me I will handle it. It will be an interesting experiment to see who does what. I was feeling fine but I started to get anxious about it in the last couple of days. I was trying to work it all out in my head. It was starting to be a problem. So, I did some serious meditation and talked with my therapist. My friends have helped me as well. I think I’ll be just fine. This trip will be over halloween and I really wanted to dress up as Hurley Quinn from suicide squad. I think I can kind of pull it off but I am nervous about doing it. Her character is fun to play. I guess I’ll have it ready to go and then decide. This would be a first time out like that. Hopefully all goes well. 😊 if I do dress all the way I will try to get to a club and see more reactions. This thing could flop or be fun. I’ll let you know what happens. ☺️🤞
Like most, I often subjected myself to attempting to reach my goals through "instant gratification," fad diet, etc., and following the realization in my initial blog, am attempting a more measured response to reach those goals. It's always hoped that any of this might help others in reaching their goals. My current plan as of this date is:
1. Mornings: Bowl of oatmeal (with a handful of dried fruit and nuts, no milk).
2. Diet Coke Zero through the day (yes, it's very bad for you but here's an interesting factoid: diet sodas are banned from facilities that handle bulimia and anorexia patients). The patients use it to control hunger pangs. I guess I do the same.
3. I avoid sugar after having seen the dangers of sugar in the wonderful film "That Sugar Film" though once in a while, a donut attacks me at the supermarket and I have to destroy it.
3. Dinner is a battle to exercise portion control, especially when it's comfort foods. Fast foods including pizza and take-out (Panda Express) are limited to around once every two-three weeks.
4. I found brushing my teeth helps to prevent most snacking late nights. (There is that occasional bowl of leftover mac & cheese with ham that is hard to resist).
5. As noted in my first blog post, I had purchased a bunch of supplements touted as helpful to move one to a more femme state. In combination, one of these supplements caused headaches so I am currently winnowing down the culprit. I am taking 2x550mg Puerific Mirifica for the past few days. No headaches yet but I will give it another day. If no headache, I will most likely add Fenugreek to my regimen and see how that does.
6. As noted in my first blog post, I wash with Lavender soap and use a homemade lotion consisting of 4 squirts of any carrier oil and 6 drops of Lavender essential oil. I massage these on my breasts and apply in what I believe are fast-absorbing areas such as armpits and groin.
7. I am planning to start drinking at least a quart of soymilk a day. I understand that this can have some desired breast developing effect.
8. Practicing with shoes. It's been over a year since I had last dressed I had ordered a pair of pointed black 3-inch heels. Finally received them. Owwwwwwwwwwwww. My feet seem to have grown and the size that had previously worked for me now is too tight in the toe area. I've managed to stretch the toe area out using thick socks and blow dryer but still can't walk for more than a minute without having to stop (Oddly, I can stand and the pain subsides quickly but walking...). This probably means round toed shoes from now on.
9. Horrors! I have been battling nose and ear hairs. The ear hairs I manage to pluck but the nose hairs can only be dealt with currently through cutting with a pair of small scissors. I am seriously considering laser or electrolysis for this but need to research as far as applying these treatments in the nasal area go. Depending on how TG-friendly the provider would be, I might also spring for a clearing of a particular area down there.
That's all for now,
This Dr. Jekyll and Mz. Hyde blog was started just to keep a diary of my attempt at "stealth mode" transformation to be more of the girl I wish to be. I realized I had not offered any background regarding my initial blog post so I am doing so here to help establish a baseline for my travails as Mz. Hyde seeks a return from purgatory. Be warned that it will more than likely be a very boring blog; I am a writer with some small success in that field and consequently tend to be somewhat verbose in my writing.
First off, I am a closeted and mature "gurl." I use "gurl" because as Dr. Jekyll, I am married to a woman and very straight-acting. When I become Mz. Hyde, I primarily enjoy socializing with other "gurls". I also enjoy men but only when I am Mz. Hyde. What started me down this wonderful path? That will be a blog for another time.
I am a transplant from the wonderful TG-resource-rich SF Bay Area to a state that is a TG-resource desert, to say the least. The move was motivated primarily for financial reasons, partly due to my SO's rapidly dwindling number of family members.
In preparation for the move, Dr. Jekyll unfortunately gave away all of Mz. Hyde's belongings and accessories. Dr. Jekyll's reasons were a great fear that certain moving boxes might be accidentally by opened by the SO. So despite Mz. Hyde's heartbreak, off everything went (though Dr. Jekyll did make sure to get the tax donation slips). Mz. Hyde was "somewhat" sure that she would be able to replace everything in her new location with the ease with which she had collected them in the SF Bay Area. (She frequented a very wonderful TG shop in San Jose, Carla's Social Club, which offered plenty of everything needed to discreetly keep Mz. Hyde happy).
Moved up to the state that will be unnamed (though you can see it in my profile) and discovered "Ooops," there are no TG-specific business. No place to comfortably try on an buy femme attire. There is one gay club that is also listed as TG-friendly, no TG social groups on Meetup and the suchlike, and there is a small LGBQT center. Mea culpa that Mz. Hyde has not gone to investigate those yet, but I'm sure she will... once she has recreated her wardrobe and accessories to her satisfaction that she will create a good first impression.
Instead, Mz. Hyde decided to post on Craigslist (this was right before Craigslist took down the "Personals" section). The ad was pretty simple; Mz. Hyde was a recent transplant. Mz. Hyde was a mature gurl, and while not Quasimodo's sister, was definitely not a member of the TG-"woofies" club. The ad stated Dr. Jekyll had disposed of Mz. Hyde's wardrobe and accessories, and Mz. Hyde was looking for hints and pointers from fellow ladies as to where to shop DISCREETLY and socialize DISCREETLY with others gurls. Also in the ad was the admonition specifically stating NOT LOOKING FOR SEX, just some contact and shopping information from others partaking in the delights of the TG world.
Well, I'm sure most of you have experienced what followed: a glut of admirer emails all asking for pics, sex, and the use of my residence for a discreet playdate IMMEDIATELY. A few admirers offered to go shopping with me provided Mz. Hyde was "passable" and "hot." Two "gurls" offered to meet to socialize if I provided femme attire for them to wear. A few "dick" pics. The few responses taken to be actual fellow sisters, all offered the same advice: buy online or steel yourself to the odd looks while perusing the women's sections in the thrift stores.
Soooo, a little bit here, a little bit there, all ordered online. Luckily I had held off ordering any outerwear. Then came the fat bulges and realizations noted in my first post.
Sigh. Anyway, that's where things are at for Mz. Hyde.
1. Discovered fat bulging from over and under the "wings" of a bra I had purchased online. Took stock of myself in a full-length mirror. Depression: my waist size is bigger than my hips. So, trying to lose girth and weight. Other than a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and nuts for breakfast, I do not eating during the day. Trying to focus on salads and soups for my evening meal but donuts, fast-food, and relative-supplied casseroles and dinners are often overwhelming late-night temptations. Sigh. Realizing that true weightloss comes from taking in less calories than you expend is easy; keeping that in mind and sticking to it is hard.
2. Dealing with my V-shaped body (wide shoulders, big chest, and what an acquaintance called "snake-hips.") I am contemplating focusing on doing only lower body muscle-building exercises to bulk up my thighs and rear while hoping muscle mass in the upper body might decrease somewhat (especially under my armpits).
3. Started a regimen of supplements, most notably Puerifica Mirifica, intended to move me somewhat towards a more feminine state. One or more of the supplements causes a bit of a nagging headache so I will be engaging in a bit of detective work to ferret out the culprit.
4. I make a lotion of lavender oil and body lotion which I massage into specific areas (but yes, focused on my chest), hoping to make some gain there. At this point in my life, I have developed "man-boobs," and am hoping for an increase in the size of the nipples to show that the lavender lotion is having any effect.
Mz. Hyde is impatient and has been perusing the hip and butt pad products available.
My wife started talking about our relationship and her feelings the other day. This was of course great and I pretty much just listened. Shoving peanut butter in my mouth seems to help with that. 😉. One thing she mentioned that was bothering her was: “your always on your phone or iPad, it’s like your not even here. Your just as bad as the kids”. What!....no I’m not. I started to get defensive but I caught myself quickly. Trying to come up with some elaborate logical ideas for me being on my phone I racked my brain. “Well I do watch a lot of seminars on YouTube you know, I have been learning a great deal about many topics” HA. Then I started telling her about telomeres at the end of the DNA strand which might be a key to the aging problem. Which is true by the way. I really do like to learn about all kinds of stuff rather then watch CSI or Big Bang theory or some other mindless show. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of those shows but only to decompress. Anyway, I stopped myself in mid stream and said “I didn’t realize I was doing that and I’ll be more aware of it from now on”. I have been pretty good so far but it made me think of something I read in “the gendered self”. I was re-reading it this morning and pow! Page 73,74. She wrote the following:
A little-known fact about both sexes migrating to living in the opposite gender role is that no matter what the direction of transition, transitioners seem to undergo a “second adolescence.” There is a marked retro shift in behavior from the adult they chronologically are toward temporarily acting more like a teenage boy or a teenage girl.
This second adolescence seems more marked for male-to-female individuals. Like cisgendered teenage girls, MTFs become very self-centered, are overly concerned with their appearance and often spend hours on the phone or online talking to others going through a similar experience. Spouses staying with their partners through the process complain about this frustrating aspect of the transition more than any other. Behavior befitting a teenage girl does not seem to sit well with a significant other when practiced by a 40- or 50-year-old partner.
Crap. That’s me. I’m a teenage girl! Or acting like one anyway. Busted. So, I have set up time for everything. Time management. But I just can’t help myself sometimes. Lol 😂 On the plus side I understand my kids a bit more so that is cool.
I didn’t see any of this coming....what’s next I get cranky once a month? Sometimes I can be a bit of an mule.
life is great and what an adventure!
So it’s been a big week for this kid 🧒 I had my wife go to therapy with me. Then she made her own appointment for 2 days later and that went well also. She is talking to me more about life in general, and just a bit of GID stuff. Cool 😎. Then I went to a meeting for the first time ever with my parents. That went pretty well considering they have had no contact with transgender people. (That they were aware of). So heck we are on a roll! Why not come out to my sister! So I did. I called her with the intent to just talk and cheer her up, she was down on Saturday when we were texting. I haven’t spent much time on the phone with her lately and wanted to catch up anyway. We were talking about regular life subjects and she has also been aware of my drinking and how it effected my marriage. As a side note the drinking issue disappeared completely after opening up and excepting that I was transgender. Hrt helped as well. That’s huge. The marriage also improved. My sister started asking questions about the relationship and as I was filling her in. I found myself having to be vague about things. Namely the stress load my wife is under. I didn’t like the way it was making me feel so I just told her. She went silent for a second probably because I am a bit of a jokester but then realized I was being serious. I gave her the whole rundown on my life and how it effected me. It all went very well as I figured it would because she is a strong lbgt supporter. She actually started to cry at one point because she felt so bad that I had to endure so much pain for so long. I let her know I appreciated her empathy and it was making me emotional. Then I told her to cut it out. I am finally happy with myself and everything else had to happen. I have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. Even if we don’t stay together we will be just fine in the long run. I think the thing that really hit home with her was the fact that I had to except the fact that in order to be free I might lose everything I love. She seemed to reflect on that for a bit. Honestly it went as well as I could hope for. I sent her some information to help her get a better understanding of what this all means and will follow up with her tomorrow. She said “I always wished I had a sister”. Well you kind of got your wish. We both laughed. I know she will have a fare amount of questions in the future and I am looking forward to that. So all in all, it was really great week and I feel proud of how far I come but I always know that life has it ups and downs. This has also had a little side effect that I didn’t see coming, the desire to present in a more feminine manner has increased. I like that. Also today when I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror as I always do there was something different. Maybe it’s just in my head but I looked more female than male. I really had to stop and look. My legs, my butt, hips, waist, ribs, chest, arms, neck, face and hair. Wow. I was starting to see the future me. I think? Anyway it really made my day and probably is why I wanted to dress it up a notch. Now.....who can I tell next?