Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
A friend of mine who happens to be non-binary wrote to me this morning about a speech he made yesterday at a monthly event were locals in his community speak on that month's theme. For May it was "epiphany" and... he won! I've had my own epiphany in the last couple of weeks that I'd like to share.
Over the years I've often read about the need to live authentically. I assumed that meant I needed to find a different job, career, or otherwise "find myself." I had about three major career changes (broadcast engineering, outside high-tech sales, high-tech marketing and business development), worked for a dozen companies, and even tried my hand at starting my own ventures. I even once really committed to learning fiction writing on the assumption that "if Dan Brown can do it why not me?" (The Da Vinci Code had an interesting premise but in my opinion exhibited pretty marginal writing chops.) I think it's fair to say that through the first 5 decades of my life I tried really hard to "find myself" and although I experienced thrills and euphoria with each new thing (like the infatuation people feel with a new lover) I soon found them a bit tedious, got depressed, and then found myself slogging along once again.
Of late I feel I've broken through to the "other side" of my transition where I just live my life as Emma, a woman who happens to be transgender. I feel very good, better and more excited about life than I've ever been. It occurred to me recently that hey, I'm actually living authentically and I love it! It's like it all snuck up on me without planning or awareness. I then realized that all these years I've been trying to cope, to live inauthentically, and wasn't even cognizant of it.
What I've learned is that when one is compelled to live inauthentically that begets more inauthenticity, like lies requiring additional layers to maintain their deceit. And I've been that way since before kindergarten, trying to live according to others' rules and expectations, utterly ashamed of my core need to be female. Maintaining all that is stressful and exhausting. As a teenager I well recall being on hair-trigger, ready to be slighted. As an adult I was often upset and I didn't know exactly why, often depressed, and like someone treading water in the ocean waiting for life to just be over.
At the risk of stating the obvious here it's amazing how important it is to live authentically! Just as inauthenticity leads to more inauthenticity, authenticity feeds on itself creating more authenticity, more satisfying relationships, all that stuff.
Obviously (I hope) everyone's mileage may vary: I'm not preaching that everyone should transition or how they should go about achieving their own authenticity. I'm just so grateful to have gotten to where I am. Being an active member of the Transgender Guide among other things has helped me so much, I hope it helps you too.
What a 5 months it has been for me after finally deciding to confront my (at the time crossdressing needs) after almost 60 years of denial, guilt and shame.
Little did I know at the time that, as I write this, I would be on the path to transitioning and living full time as a woman.
My initial thoughts just after Christmas 2017 was to admit and accept that I liked to dress as a woman and that need would be satisfied on a part time basis and in private. I would come out to my family and depending on their reaction would be allowed to do this with their consent or continue in private or (the painful part) go our seperate ways.
As I finally accepted (mid Jan 2018) the need to dress became more urgent and I had become quite obsessive about it to the extent I could think of nothing else. This was confusing and created an enormous amount of conflict.
After one final round of guilt, shame and a complete purge of all of my feminine attire and an absolute determination to end this aspect of my life, I thought I was free of it, My resolve lasted less than 24 hours.
It was at this stage I decided to seek counselling. I made an appointment for mid Feb 2018 to see a specialist in transgender issues. While I waited for the appointment day to arrive I immersed my self in research into all things crossdressing and transgender, I read all I could so I could try to understand what I was. I also began to rebuild my feminine wardrobe and vowed I would never purge, feel guilty or shame again.
About 1 week before my appointment I was driving to the local shops and had a nagging thought racing around my head. As I parked at the shopping centre I found myself just sitting in my car with this thought determined to be heard and voiced. For about 10 minutes I could not bring myself to say a few simple words until they finally broke free. "I am A Woman" I almost shouted them and quickly looked around to make sure no one heard me, and then the dam broke sobbing tears for about 5 minutes before I could pull myself back together.
It was the voicing of this sentence "I am A Woman" that my life and where I was heading all made sense. My thoughts cleared, the internal conflict was erased and I found myself at peace with myself.
By the time I got to see the specialist, the following Saturday, it was not about my problems but an open and frank discussion about being a transgender woman and what my journey would look like from that point forward.
Since then I have come out to my family and friends (mid Feb 2018) and all have been supportive, including my wife ( although we have decided to seperate but will remain friends).
As the days and weeks have passed doubts have pressed forward, this can't be right, how can I be a woman, I am 60 years old, get a grip, be a man, stop this nonsense etc etc. As the weeks have turned into months the doubts have been largely silenced and not only have I accepted that I am A Woman but acceptance has turned to joy and pride as I now know who I am and was meant to be, and my feminine wardrobe has expanded rapidly.
This week on May 15th I visited my Doctor and we have begun the process of me becoming a woman, blood tests have been done and an appointment made to see a Psychiatrist for a formal evaluation, ( my Dr said this is a formality in my case) before I start female hormone therapy.
There no doubt will be many hurdles to jump and tears along the way as well, and I hope, many good moments but I feel mentally stronger and more self assured that I will be able to overcome anything thrown in my way.
Thank you if you have read this far. It is sights and communities like Tgguide.com that remind me I am not alone on this journey and there are many like minded souls out there.
Finally I can live my life as my authentic and true self
Lots of big hugs and kisses Elsa
Hello everyone. It's been a while. I've been waiting to hit my next goal before writing, but with one week to go, I'm not sure I can make it. It is rather unlikely, but I haven't given up. Anyway, this place is the only place I know to tell my story and have an appreciative audience. A while back after my wife died, I let my hair down, so to speak, and began dressing in earnest as I was unable to do so previously. I was a regular member of the Cross-Dressing chat room, and I received many helpful tips from the girls--one of which was making good use of thrift stores to build a wardrobe. And so I went to our local Goodwill store and bought several dresses including a somewhat outrageous (at least to me) leopard print dress. It quickly became one of my favorites, and I actually received some nice comments from the pictures I shared. Fast forward to the present in which I recently opened an account with a Private Investigator/bail bond agency. The owner and his wife are African-American and have taken me under their wing and have become friends and are trying to help me with my business. Greg, the owner, belongs to an exclusive downtown club, The Tower Club, (maybe you've heard of it), and invited me to a mixer there so that I could make some more contacts. Well, when I arrived, I was greeted by Sandie, his wife, wearing you know, almost the identical leopard print dress that I have in my closet. I have to admit that it looks better on her that on me, but I think it is so funny. Anyway, that is my story. I will let you all know how my next week ends. Wish me luck.
Some people feel there is a new definition of friendship: persons can be friends even if they never met face-to-face or even spoke on the telephone, such as Internet "friendships."
They argue the old definition of friendship, such as knowing each other's personal information (first and last names, home addresses and telephone numbers) and regularly entertaining each other in each other's homes), no longer holds true in today's day and age.
In my opinion, I think some people are confusing a good acquaintance (knowing each other on a first name basis, meeting regularly at a mutually convenient spot or organization and enjoying some common interests) with a friend (the "old" definition of friend described above).
Think there is confusion between "friend" and "acquaintance" because part of their definitions intersect.
In my case, I break down "friends" into "close friend," "friend," and "casual friend." When it comes to an acquaintance, it is "good acquaintance," "acquaintance," and "casual acquaintance." Usually, a friendship starts as an acquaintance.
When two people do not become friends, it could be because of a neutral reason, such as having nothing in common, a person having a problem (they may be ashamed about something about themselves they don't want the other person to know) or a person having a problem with the other person, such as the other person having a much lower income, I.Q., or social status, which is important to some people.
There have been times in my life where I had many acquaintances/friends and other times, very few. Feel this had much to do with the culture of where I live rather than with me (or as some might say, my age).
A friend recently commented to me that she had fewer friends the more successful she became in her career (it is lonely at the "top").
Would love to hear from other how their acquaintances and friends ebbed and flowed through their lives. Am grateful for your feedback.
Good day all
I do miss those days when I could unassumingly just blend into an ocean of faces without even a second glans.
What has changed????
Well that rock on top of me, it's not even a chip anymore. Yes had the burden of not being any person in particular, because showing my feelings or true self would end in my world imploding.
Confidence. Well check the pics in my last few updates. The more relaxed, confident persona I exude now then back then. Well going from cute, to ooh mama your hot also helps. And the weight I've gained, positively radiant.
Talking about the weight, for my 5'8 (1,74m) tall structure. Before and early transitioning, left me with this constant urge, to stay under 110Lbs (53kgs), as I couldn't come to believe that a bit more weight on me would look good. But it also helped me blend in more, with my unassumingly process of non-existence. Now at 135Lbs (62kgs), I feel so much better about myself, bit more roundings, and yes flaunting it all in your face attitude. Oooh dont get me on body fat, that was below 7% and now so close to 20% if not sort of over that.
Well I miss blending in, but why would I want to hide my existence from anyone now. I am a strong woman, that doesn't find strength in others, but within myself.
I look good, and even if you dont want to say it, you know it.
I'm confident to the level of making people around me comfortable allowing their trust to come out.
I'm strong. And no physically I'm just capable of controlling a guy in a fight, not stronger then a man. But mentally I'm unbreakable.
Unwavering in my beliefs.
Proud of who and what I've become. How many people can say they in the career they dreamed of as a child.
Loyal to my family and friends.
Pretty hazelnut eyes.
Perky tits, even if they only a 32A, they mine and fit me perfectly. And I don't care what anyone says. You want them bigger, pay for it and give yourself the boobjob.
Struggling with normal human thing. Yes this is a positive, because if I thought that I'm to good for humanity (finances, day to day running), well you know what I mean.
With this all, there are still days, I need to blend in with the crowd, albeit being I need to be between models to look like a normal blend of person. I do appreciate being called a flower between my male counterparts at work who are the thorns.
Good evening all
As the title says I'm confused...
The confusion comes in when people try to assimilate being transgender or intersex into a WTF area and make those people feel like they nothing and don't deserve to breath the same air as them.
Well, let me see. I'm intersex identifying as transgender, but more specifically identifying as female and always have. Trying to nullify my existence only gets the dragons fire breathe that much hotter, as I clearly look like a 10 (boasting some what cause I can in a transgender and cisgender world).
Okay, I also understand the hatred I'm getting from the cisgender females. But, "Baby I'm sorry, I'm not sorry!!!" Yes, I got looks with a package of personality too, and I'm not a fake ass person. As the song also say, "If you talk that talk baby. Better walk that walk baby." I do it, not because I talk the talk, but I talk the talk because I walk the blooming walk. And I can't help that you trying to make me feel like I'm nothing. Cause I'll never be nothing. I'm proud, strong, sexy, vivacious, older then you think cause I look younger then your wannabe all I am in all my stunning personality, and not to mention unstoppable force of nature.
The confusion is how people want to be you, but dont want to go through the struggles you faced, that made you the strong, independent woman you are. What they think that, perfection just happened by mistake, it took year to polish the attitude, well the looks were there I guess, just enhanced now. This is probably the only time I'll comment with a picture from my past. But these were taken a few hours ago.
Well, the message that I'm trying to convey is... The only time people will notice you is, when you have the confidence to take life by the balls of the proverbial bull, because taking him on by the horns well girl, you know he going to fight you so much harder as he thinks you'll just go down easier, but grabbing his ball and twisting your vices grips that but harder each time he tries to squirm or fight you to attack you that much harder. Life will learn, no matter how petite its opponent is, don't underestimate the capabilities of them, because even the smallest person can have a big heart that will cause them to win where you thought it was impossible.
Now ladies, lets take life by the bulls balls, and twist just that little bit harder each time life tries to sucker punch us to the ground, trying to make us uncertain about ourselves. We are only human and also need to be loved, respected, and adored by onlookers, just like anybody else.
I hope, you all are well and will not let life knock you down for too long, as the fight for equality has only begun.
Love, hugs and respect
As I prepare to start my transition into a girl I guess I have to start by coming out to my family and friends. As I start thinking of how I should break the news to my family I know my dad will prob be upset the most. I already came up to one person already who was my former teacher from high school. She has been in my corner from the beginning which has really helped my confidence about being my inner girl.
After a tough week I had turned the corner once again and I was feeling really good about my transition mentally & physically. So, I was very excited to go to a trans group meeting very close to where I live. I haven't been to this meeting in some time and was looking forward to meeting new people as well as a couple that a friend told me about. I have one friend that I met at the first trans group meeting and we talk/text on a regular basis. We have a nice relationship helping each other sort out our difficulties, bouncing thoughts off each other and celebrate the good things in our lives. He (FTM) has been to some of the meetings that I missed and was excited for me to meet a transgender girl that he has befriended. They have been spending time together with their families. He said that she would possibly be a good resource for me as she is a bit farther along in her transition and is still married to her cis gender wife. (same as me). So, I was really excited to meet this person. Their were 2 other people there that I haven't met yet and they are much younger then myself (18ish). One is a trans girl and she seems sweet. The other is a trans male and is also very sweet. They are married which surprised me a bit only because they are so young. The meeting started late because the gender therapist who hosts the group was in a meeting in the back. We all talked for about 30 mins about this or that while we waited and it was very nice and pleasant. When the person my friend told me about arrived I introduced myself and she said hello but was kind of stand offish. I guess I expected her to greet me differently as my friend has told her about me (he asked me first if he could). I was a little thrown off by that but no big deal, people have their own stuff going on and she looked like there was something on her mind. Oh, well...on with the meeting all is good and I felt comfortable. The therapist tries to start the meeting but keeps pacing back and forth between the window and the group. She says she is looking for someone who might show up late. I'm not sure how or who started the conversation but almost immediately the topic & tenner went to politics and became toxic. Negative energy filled the meeting, even the group members that didn't want to be in this negative conversation were drawn into it. I bit my lip and attempted to get in a zone of non-judgment but the negative energy was growing. I was starting to shift around in my seat. The topics went from Trump, insurance companies, Low Pride turn out, Haters, lbgt struggles, crapy employers, bad primary care physician's , ignorant endocrinologist's, misinformed psychiatrist, the horrible congress, Trump, Obama, Clinton, Comey back and forth on and on. All negative. Every time the negative energy seemed to fizzle and the group became quite the therapist was there to throw another log on the fire. Almost as if she enjoyed getting everyone fired up and ready to protest or something. Is this why I'm here? I feel like crap! I want to be happy! Help!!! Personally, I make a tremendous effort in my life to refrain from negative actions, thoughts and people. All while trying really hard to think of others, to be aware of my ego and my surroundings. I work on it but I am only human. Everything happens for a reason in life so I was trying to see why this was happening and if I could help or learn from it. I couldn't stay any longer though, it just became too much and I started questioning everything about transitioning again. I was falling quickly backwards mentally. Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally? Crap. I need to find a new group. There is NO way I will survive in this group or want this in my life at all. Zero. Intellectually, I understand that some people have had past experiences that can effect their view of the world. I have spent many years helping people get sober and working with them to get through a boat load of issues. It's some of the most important and gratifying accomplishments of my life so far. To see a person come from the depths of hell to the light of life is tough to put into words. The ripple effect that this transformation has on family, friends and the world is astounding to witness and feel. I am truly honored to be a part of it. I was about to excuse myself from the meeting but as my weight shifted forward to stand my friend spoke up. He asked if we could change the tone of the meeting "Can we get off this negative stuff?". Awesome timing. The therapist agreed and we went around the room letting each member talk about how they are doing. Great. But (yes there it is) the therapist would not stop adding or relating or disparaging someone or something in a negative way. The group was fine, productive, talking and learning about each other when we were controlling the flow of the conversation (great energy). There is something wrong with the therapist and I have my own ideas about that but that is none of my business. I left the meeting feeling like crap and I needed to talk to someone but it was late at that point and my friend was busy so I went home thinking I might do some reading. When I got home my wife was up and had a ton of things that she needed to talk about so I listened and tried to help if I could. We had a nice talk. I went to bed exhausted but I had a bad nights sleep. As I went through my day today I thought about last night and wondered what my future might look like, knowing things will change. Then I thought of the 2 younger people I met and what was said by everyone in the group. It was all really good, positive and inspiring in many ways so I called my friend to talk about it. We both felt the same way about the meeting and also affirmed our gender identity in very similar ways to each other. We had a great conversation. This is his therapist I am talking about and I think she has her net wrapped around him and he knows it (he needs the letters from her), but that is for him to decided $$$ . So, what did I learn. That trans gender people are stronger than I knew, that we all have this common issue that brings us together in an understanding that others truly can't understand. It's a lot like an AA group in that way really. We don't judge each other. We care about and truly want to help each other. Sure, there are always going to be different points of view on life but that's okay. Heck that is what makes life exciting. If everyone was exactly the same, life would be dull. Even Transgender therapists can try and throw shit at us. The younger generation has such a great grasp on who they are and who they want to be. They are organized. They need our help. The older trans community has wisdom. That I underestimated people. Good and bad. That I am truly unique and the same in so many ways. I will not be putting myself back in that therapists arena again. I need to reach out to other trans people no matter how old. I asked myself last night "Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally?" No, that was just a bad nonprofessional therapist (IMO) the people who are transgender are much more. I am very thankful that I didn't leave that meeting before I was able to hear from the group (when the energy was better). I'll just have to keep on learning and we will see where that takes me.
Don't hate....love....find it.....it's there waiting.
Four years ago, my company decided to implement a canned solution for the business which meant after the four-year process those (like me) developers that were not part of the migration from old systems to new systems would be placed into a very different position with the same pay, extremely easy work. Sounds great unless you’re like me, not into easy work.
So I emailed the CIO of a sister company asking if they had any positions open? Side note, she knew me as a male when she worked in my company. Also, I was loaned out to this company two years ago for two months.
Was told there were no positions open but then was asked to meet her (this by the way was in the beginning of December 2017) and the IT manager two weeks later. Talked for an hour with no openings.
On the weekend prior to New Year’s my manager calls me into her office, said that I was asked to do a six-month rotation at the other company and was informed the next day would be my first day.
Well I’ve been there ever since and they did find a position for me but will not be open until June 2018 and will start the hire process two weeks before my rotation is up.
Now the important part, since I’ve been here nobody knows of my past except for the CIO and one other manager. I simply blend in, nobody has a clue of my former identity. Now the key for those still on the path to transitioning is your overall presentation both physically as in appearance and of course voice and mentally which means you believe you are female and have worked on all aspects of being female no matter if you are below average, average or better than average matched to a cisgender female your personality will shine through as female.
This week started out pretty good. Went to the beach with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. They stayed with us for a couple of days and everything went well. I was nervous (they don’t know I’m trans) but they are good people and we had fun. The kids all had fun as well. Then after they left I went downhill mentally and started to feel like transitioning was all wrong. I tried to get myself out of it but the blues just kept coming back. Life was gray and I was just trying to make it through the day. I was exhausted early in the day and unmotivated to engage in life. I was starting to feel the need to distance myself from trans friends that I really like. Boy clothes seemed more comfortable to wear. My mind was busy trying to explain everything, after all I just had a great weekend. I was utterly convinced at one point that transition was not for me. I spent the next couple of days coming up with another plan for my life but I still kept taking hrt and dressing a tiny bit girly. I will stay on hrt until my next Endo appointment (14 days) to see how my levels are and get a longer supply of hrt. I wanted to have a supply of hrt just in case I changed my mind. I just kept going to work and taking care of the kids but I was getting really blue. I felt like a zombie. Then I read Elsa’s blog and I just love the way she talks about herself as 2 separate people sharing the same body. It makes perfect sense to me because I have been having letting them battle each other for years. Without knowing it!!! Dam. I had never thought of talking about myself in that context before. I have always thought since I was very young that a female spirit would enter my body at times and try to take over. I would even ask or demand that she leave me alone and go away. I had an older sister that past away right after birth a year or two before I was born. So, I figured it was her messing with me and then when I was older I thought maybe I was really her all along. I was a girl born for a very short time and then re born again but in a boy body this time. Someone missed the memo! She’s pissed 😠. I’m pissed 😤. We are pissed 😡. Man is this all confusing and how the hell do you talk to about this. Who could understand this? I can’t even understand it. But something has always told me “you are on too something here “. Not sure but.........uhmmmm. My mom told me that I had an imaginary friend when I was young and his name was mick s. I have no memory of that at all but apparently I would spend a lot of time with him. I would talk to him as if he was standing right in front of my parents. It freaked them out a bit. My mom said that I knew that they could not see him and it was “ok”. Then one day I stopped. I don’t remember anything about it. So, when I read Elsa’s post it all clicked and I started thinking about things that way again . As 2 people. This morning I got up before the sunrise and sat in the faint light talking to the 2 of me. I asked him to let her have today. I looked down at my legs and saw pretty girly legs, hips, waist and chest. All the gray/blue feelings slowly lifted and I said thank you. I feel back on track with life and I’m excited to talk with these 2 a bit more. It goes along the 2 spirit philosophy of Native American culture which I have been drawn to for many years. Wow life sure is interesting. Luv liv learn and we will see what happens.
Another journal entry I would like to share.
William had taken over the last few days and we went downhill. I could not break through until early this morning. Finally I rested back control. I had to reaffirm my femininity. I am a female, I embrace being female, I love all things feminine. I kept repeating this mantra for a few minutes after I woke up, before I got out of bed. My mood lifted immediately.
These are critical emotions for me to understand.
If William takes to much control and suppresses me we go into a funk and if I let that funk continue it will quickly turn into full blown depression, that blackness comes and with it the dark thoughts, we cease to live and simply exist
It is only when I take control that we come alive again. It is only I as Elsa do we become whole, depression lifts and my thoughts are bright and well lit.
It is only as by me being female that I live and not simply exist.
I take great heart that when I take over and William fades we become a more complete person and I know that being female is the right path.
So, the last blog was cut off somehow but I’m not sure what the heck I did so I’ll try to remember my thoughts. The judgements I was saying to myself went something like this after seeing myself in the mirror. Early morning.... “you look like hell” or “you look great “or “who are you female or male”. The feeling of not recognizing myself for a second is really disconcerting and sends a dull dread through the core of my body. It’s a kind of ughhh feeling. The look that popped onto my face was very much like the look I get from people when I think I’m being clocked. It is also the same look from friends that haven’t seen me for a while. I had to ask myself “am I clocking myself!” I guess I was in a way. Didn’t see that coming. It also has helped me understand the way people react initially. The feeling of dread became overwhelming and fear started taking over. Thoughts like there is no way I can move forward, I can’t handle this, I better stop now, what the hell am I doing! I have let this steer the course of my life for years but this was on a different level. So, what to do.... wait, remember and stay quiet in the mind. I have to go backwards in my head remembering exactly what and how I felt for my entire life. Now comes the tricky part. There were times in the past where I was fine with my gender and the dysphoria was not there. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things? Maybe Hormonal balance was different or something with my body chemistry. I just don’t know and maybe never will. What I do know is that generally I am much happier these days and much healthier as well. So, after staying calm about all this l decided to keep being me and not worry about everything. I’m a good person so let’s just stick with that for the time being. Since I wrote the first part of this my mind has calmed down and I feel good. Today I’m going to the beach with some friends who are in town (this should be interesting) and I have no idea what will happen but I know exactly who I will be. Me. Oh and by the way when I looked in the mirror today I did recognize the girl looking back. What a fascinating experience. I am lucky. Stay sweet girls and think of me bouncing around on the beach 🏖. LOL.
Who are you? Who am I? What am I? What am I going to be?......As I sit here with some time on my hands this thought came to mind. How would I describe myself too myself if I didn't know me. Yes, that is kind of crazy in a round about way but it is the exact question I have been asking myself lately. At times I will look in the mirror and I for a second not even recognize myself. This seems to happen the most when I first wake up. Making my way in the dark towards the coffee pot I sometimes catch an unexpected glance from a stranger in the full length mirror. I usually stop for a second to look closer, trying to see the me I am used to seeing. This takes a moment for me, to see me, and then I start making judgements upon myself as if I where someone else. Crazy? No.?.?. The judgments are something along the lines of "good lord you look like hell" or "Do I look female or male?" or "wow you look good" (although that comment usually isn't in the morning). Anyway I slice it, the feeling of not being able to instantly recognize myself is really unsettling, causing a dreadful dulling of my spirit. It's in the pit of my soul so to speak. A kind of ughhhhhhh I don't like this at all. What am I doing???Where am I going???? Oh! No! I better stop this crazy ride Jane!!!! But time will pass, I will see the future me, maybe a glimpse in the mirror, some naturally occurring expression, mannerism or feeling and I will let out a ahhhhh everything is going to be okay. The other thing I thought of is that when I look into the mirror and don't see me right away. The expression on my face is very similar to the ones on people clocking me. I think I might be clocking myself!! What!?!?...Is that even possible?? I must say thank the good lord that I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh. Don't take yourself to seriously. I hope you laugh today.
On my Washington state driver's license, that is! I sent in the US Passport revision application last week, requesting (and paying for) expedited service. I don't trust our government (you know who and if you don't what planet are you from?) to not suddenly change the rules, preventing me from obtaining this. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please!
I have shared this on a coupe of other transgender sites and I thought it would be good to share it here as a way of starting my blog
As I began my transitioning journey a few months ago I started keeping a Journal. I realised today that the journal was from my male perspective so I have now started a new Journal where Elsa shares her thoughts and feelings. It is amazing how liberating this has been and how significant this has been in Elsa’s growth. Below is one of her first entries on how I am reconciling 60years as William with my new identity as a Elsa. If you are able to read all of it I hope you find it enjoyable and informative.
Hugs and Kisses, Elsa
Hi my name is Elsa, I am a transgender female. I have a condition known as gender dysphoria. This is when a persons gender identity (how we see and feel about our identity does not match our physical appearance.) In my case I have lived in a male body for nearly 60 years. I have tried many times to reveal myself but have never been able to present myself strongly enough to truly make myself heard until now.
My male companion has always dominated and held me back. I have had to resort to some extreme behaviours just to make myself known. Finely about 2 months ago (Feb 18) I was able find the strength to break through. I am now permanently out in the world (well at least to those people most important to me) In some ways this has been like a birth and I am still very young with a long way ahead of me. Fortunately for me my male companion has accepted that his time in the sun is coming to an end and is happy to give me the freedom to live as I need to.
He is more than happy to now step back but is there when I need him. William (male) has guided us to this point in our lives and has been successful in society. It is only through his hard work, intelligence, empathy and caring that we have been able to live and grow as a human being. William now accepts that I (Elsa) has played on important role in our life although he was unaware of it. I have provided the imagination and creativity when he needed it, to often think outside the box and to come up with creative solutions to difficult problems. I (Elsa) was able to overcome his social anxiety just enough to allow him to function in a social demanding world.
William will now begin to fade but his practicality, logic, pragmatism and experience will guide me as I grow (very quickly) into a fully mature and confident female for the world to see.
I am excited and ready to start running and show the world who I am, but this is where William is providing a guiding hand and reminding me I have only just learnt how to walk and that this journey will be for the rest of my life, so slow down, enjoy, and have fun, I still have a lot to learn.
When I do reveal myself to the world I do want it to be my best version of me (Elsa) At the moment I am still a little wobbly (a bit like wearing high heals for the first time) and still need to grow. As each day goes buy I grow stronger and more confident.
As I engage more and more with the transgender community I find them to be a very caring and loving group, I have already met some really genuine people online and in person who have been very supportive and encouraging.
There will be many obstacles to overcome as I move forward but I am now on this journey to full womanhood and I intend to enjoy every minute of it
How often does any human truly get to be reborn and reinvent themselves )
I haven't posted in awhile, but I recently had these pics sent to me and wanted to share them - also to observe that I do want to share them! That's been one of the more amazing parts of transitioning, before that I didn't want my picture taken, if it was I didn't want to see it, and I certainly wouldn't have shared it.
These were taken at a lunch that we had after the completion of a recent round of supervision with the volunteer organization I belong to. The person taking them is one of the group members and was just taking lots of pictures, so I had largely forgotten that he was even doing it :-) (clearly I also didn't realize that he was occasionally zooming-in, as in the first picture).
After my trip to Orlando I have been doubting my transition. I am sure being clocked left and right didn’t help much but I think this is something different. A deeper fear. I have some friends coming into town for a visit and I am a bit nervous about how that will go but we will see(they are good people). I will just be me and roll with the flow thinking of others first. I will take care of myself of course and talk with my therapist. Maybe it was or is just a combination of things that happened to make me wonder if this is what I really want. I was thinking about the long term trying to picture what life would be like and didn’t see a future that I liked. I was alone, not passing, ugly, family and friends staying away from me and bitter about it. This is all in my head, I know that I will feel differently later today probably and that the future is really a mystery that I can help shape. Maybe it’s the hrt giving me a ride on the swing set forcing me to take a look at my fears that are still there just underneath the skin of this confident growing girl. I just don’t know & I don’t need to know. I was seeking something on this last trip but I’m not sure what it was. Maybe my expectations were to high for Orlando. Not sure. I have been here before feeling this way and it will change, I will be here again and it will change, so for today I’ll give myself a break and just be me.
Things are moving in the right direction for me and I feel confident in myself. I am ready to come out to my family and friends. A couple already know. I am just waiting for a time that gives them the space they might need. I am still in boy mode but I’m open and ready. I don’t feel the need to tell the world with a proclamation “here I am!” I am trying to think of others first and give them a better chance to understand what this will really mean for them. A support network is set up for me to help get through this and I am still working on a support group for my family. That is a work in progress. Some days I am on top of the world and other days I don’t have any drive to keep moving forward. I’m not stopping anything I’m just rolling with the flow so to speak. I’m in Orlando now and people are clocking me left and right. This was getting to me a bit but I just remind myself that I’m a good person and meditate when I can. The technique the therapist taught me seems to help a lot. There have been a lot of changes to me physically and I will put that in the next post. I will say that I’m very happy in myself and really the only thing that gets me down is to see others struggling with life in general and how my transition might just pile on to the difficulties. On a positive note when I was getting take out food the other day the girl handed me my order and said here you go girly. I didn’t expect that but I just rolled with it and we both smiled. I also have some new friends that seem great and are in the lbgt community. Not feeling girly now but I’ll just wait a minute.
So, I get in another crash this week. The car in front of me decides at the last moment to make a left turn from my lane and hangs out into it. I stopped in time; the car behind me did not. He tried to avoid hitting me, but no luck. The offending car took off, and the two of us waited for the police to show up. Anyway, my car is back in the shop and I have a rental. My car has SiriusXM and I always listen to music, either rock or classical. Now I have regular radio which I can’t stand, so I listen to NPR. Lots of interesting stuff.
I heard two stories today regarding Pakistan. One about Malala returning, it seems triumphantly as it should be. The other about a transgender person becoming a prominent television news anchor. It turns out that Pakistan is a conflicted country, at once progressive and tribal in nature. And although it is somewhat striking for a transgender person to have a high-profile position, being transgender in Pakistan is taken for granted. Homosexuality is not. Go figure. It seems to me the acceptance of gender and sexual differences is all about culture and custom. It can change—even here.
BTW, no one was hurt in the crash. Fortunately, I won’t have to pay the $8000 repair bill.
Okay so the trip was great and I feel like a new person in a way. All the things that happened and time spent with family were wonderful but we have to go home sometime. right? Well, I feel like I have left a piece of the old me back at my home before I left. The male me if that makes any sense. Chantel mentioned in a comment that we have to say good bye to who we were and let go of the past. Ive been working on that and know that it will take some time but this is much different then I expected. It is like part of me disappeared and this other part was just....there ready to go. I really opened up a bit on vacation and upon returning home I just expected to cover up again. I knew I was going to be a little bit more open than before after having all these experiences but I didn't realize that the brakes were going to get ripped off the train or at least the conductor was going to take a nap. I got up on Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the lanai. The weather was great as I wrote out what I needed to do and who I had to meet. I will start with dropping some jeans off at the seamstress to get a rip in the button flies fixed. I love these jeans. While I was there in the shop, pop! the jeans I was wearing ripped in the same spot. (yes they are too tight) 2x pairs down. Crap oh well. I was going to the store later in the day to look for a pair of pants that I loved anyway so I might as well go now. Well in the past when I went shopping it was planned shopping with a purpose. The old PSP. I knew what I wanted, what the price was, where to get it and usually where in the store it was located. So in I went and within about 3 minutes had the pants that I was looking for in the size I wanted but then a strange thing happened to me. Something else caught my eye and then another, the shirt is nice, that hoody is cute, this belt is great, I like these shoes and on and on and on it went. I didn't even realize that I was doing it!!!! Until...I could sense someone looking at me so I looked up and it was a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months. Before I started transitioning and he is a mans man. So here I am with an armful of androgynous clothes and a tight shirt on and my nips popping out! I just realized what I was doing and for how long. I was nervous at first but then let it go and just giggled at myself under my breath. Talked about life and an up coming golfing trip just as any other day might be. He even brought his girlfriend over to meet me. After they left I kept on shopping. I spent well over 2 hours in the store trying things on going back for more or a different size, I was on a role and when I finally got to the counter I had NO idea how much I was about to spend (luckily they were having a big sale I knew nothing about. whew). Now I understand girls. I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES they are very girly and I have been wearing them all around town for the last couple of days. I can't wait to go shopping again. Now I get it girls. I have opened the proverbial door even farther and keep pushing myself. Anyway that is just one example that I have time for right now. My point is that my instinctual thinking has shifted if that makes any sense and the great news is I love it. Next is to learn how to do make up.
Live Love Learn.
So, apparently the transgender chat site I was using was moved to here, but I keep getting an error of EX6.. I am withering away, in the dessert of non-conversation.. I hope that I can get in soon. not sure just when they closed the other site....