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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

Our community blogs

  1.     I have been having really bad dysphoria, but to distract myself I drew some anime characters, whom are males, from my favorite anime Attack On Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin. It honestly helps me to relax, just like singing. 1448779225490417425316.thumb.jpg.d55a0401448779197043-1213330345.thumb.jpg.edd21↑↑ those are the drawings. They both took me a long time, but I think Levi took me a bit longer...

  2. I was reading another blog post that lead to another off-site post and just had this epiphany that be it wrong or right to think this way but I don't consider myself transgender for a long time now but never actually came to terms in writing before. I go through my daily life as any other female would. Heck today I spent an unGodly amount of money on makeup today, 64 dollars. When I got to the counter I must of had  a face that begged to ask me "is your day going okay?: I said up to now, jeez, never realized how much makeup cost and I only purchased it for an event tomorrow and will never use it again NO wait I will because it cost so much. Last time I wore makeup was over 15 years ago. So I went home and spent an hour with the makeup. Then I remember at my best friend's house yesterday she said her daughter spends hours on doing her face, I said, not me, never. Baaaahhhh look at me today, eyeshadow, foundation, top and powder and lipstick. Came out well but then I learned it takes a good deal of time taking it off but that didn't bother me because "I am a girl" and the process was well worth the effort experimenting as I did my eye's twice.I remember back 15 years ago I would impatient doing my makeup but now I am content taking time to get it right but 64 dollars yeek. 20 dollars was spent on one brush alone but worth it (I guess).

    Anyways as I look back to before GRS and now lots of little things have changed and now taking notice of them. Girls my guess is that some of you will travel down the same path, one day stuck in the wrong body and flash you are sitting in a chair legs in the proper place, hands cupped then someone says something that invokes an emotion and one hand goes to your chest then you mutter a gasp followed by your hand covering your mouth delicately. It might dawn on you later that oh my god I am where I should had been all my life.  

  3. As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up."  He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed).

    Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man."

    I channeled it more "productively" on twitter with the following:

    Transgender 101: "Transitioning" isn't going from woman to man or man to woman, it's going from fake to authentic. #GirlsLikeUs

    If anyone is on twitter i'm ChristieCNY :)

    It was nice taking a negative and going positive in response. I'm so much better as a woman than I ever could have been as a man :) 


  4. I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them.

    It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and they talk to me and they think they know me - and they will be surprised (shocked?) by the upcoming name change. So I can't avoid telling them; not really.

    The guy I sit next to... we're on a first name basis and I know he likes cycling and he knows I like cycling and we've had chats about the Tour de France and the Vuelta and the Giro... but that's about it. He knows nothing else about me. But I still have to tell him.

    Everyone at work will know. And I mean everyone. As soon as my email address changes... well, everything changes. People I don't actually know will see my dead name disappear from the directory and a new name appear. And therefore I have to be prepared to receive enquiries and questions from a bunch of people who thought they knew me and a bunch of complete strangers too. And I'm talking about a company that has 100,000 employees.

    Bring it on!!!

  5. I've been away for a while, my trans feelings kind of minimized, as if maybe I'd gotten over it. After all, maybe it was more about hiding, lying, and finally, now that the lying and hiding and shame are mostly over, and my wife and I started deeply loving each other again, the storm had passed. Or maybe it was like Judy my gender therapist said, the TG Train has many stations along its journey, and maybe I only needed a ticket to the first or second station?

    But lately as the weather has gotten colder it's as if the feelings are always there. This morning I saw an Anatomy of a Scene of a new movie "The Danish Girl" in the New York Times.  It's directed by Tom Hooper who also directed "The King's Speech" so I imagine it's very well done.  What a trigger for me, to see Eddie Redmayne start to viscerally transform herself into the female she knows she is at her deepest.

    My mental-health therapist often asks me to describe what I feel in my body when I have strong feelings. It's like a tightening in my chest, a deep longing, with a twinge of sadness, because I know that I wish I'd been born female and although I could take the TG Train further nothing would change the fact that I was not born a girl. And, on balance, I like my life well enough but for that longing, like a love that was never to be. 

    PS: I took the photo several years ago in Wuhan, China, through the window in my hotel room, using the floor lamp as a tripod to hold the camera steady to grab three shots at -2, 0, and +2 stops to process into this, an HDR image. Perhaps this photo with its circling cars is a metaphor for what I go through.


  6. This is a continuation of my first blog. That one was called Veronica, Two Trees & A Golden Mean. So, out of the headspace and into the real world. So that 's were I am going this morning. This morning I'll greet the dawn drinking coffee and writing about my life up and were  I se myself, and see myself going. Relaistically, a plan that can have way points to meet that are obtainable. Some of which are pretty obvious and some I guess are going to be a little more arcane.

    So, realities. Physiologically, were and how far do I go? Right now I am thankful I don't have an issue with wieght, so the next issue I have to factor in is degenerative disc disease in the lower spine and neck. So, looks like my best option for exercise is the pool. I am told a good musculature and posture help with this kind of stuff and also the pool is a great way to strengthen the core. I have a place in mind, plsu it's on an AF base so lots of hunky and sleek folks aounf the pool I imagine! Need to plan a move to get closer to the pool. In work. Where would I like to go with my looks. Two things come to mind. Top surgery? Almost a given. I would like to have a nice perfky little rack and I'm sure I could find some folks to show it off too! :) The second things would be the still murky arena of hormones, and just how does that work? Homework.

    My Spiritual place. Got to get lucky sometimes. I have a great place to live there. No worries. Thankfully, I still see a lot of good in the Universe I live in and the potential for more. Good to go there. Also, seem to be OK in the kids department as well. They all seem to have something  outside of themselves that provides them with a bell weather for they’re days.  Also, seems like a lot of the folks I know do. So I can say that I am at peace with the Universe Iam in for the time being.

    I must add here, as a reality, that there is a sequinon to all that I do. My very good soul mate, shipmate and wife, cool hippie chick has a lot of daily health and safety challenges to navigate.  That is where most of the storms rage in our lives these days. Around her different degenerative diseases and some other bad Karma, she has some good days and some really bad ones. Every one of them a blessing for me. :) 




  7. Me to my dad: "I suffered from a relapse of anorexia nervosa this fall and summer"

    My dad: "who's fault was that?"

    Me: triggered, feeling suicidal, hating the world, getting no help

  8. Today, Friday, 20th. November, 2015, is the Annual; International; Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) .  Let's Wear Something Purple, in Support Of The Rainbow Flag.  If We Can't make it to A Comemorative Event, then We Can still show Our Support, for those Less Fortunate, than Ourselves, Who have lost Their Lives, at the Hands of Other's, or Have Taken Their Own Lives. Here in the UK, We should remember the Transgender Lady, Who had been put into an All-Male Prison, at Leeds, in West Yorkshire. Sadly, She took Her Own Life, in the Last Few Day's !  I WILL Wear Something Purple Today, as I Am a 53 Year-Old; Transitioning Male-to-Female Transsexual, Myself. Please, join Me, and Other's around the World, in showing Our Support Today, this Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Thank You Very Much. Regards, Stephanie. 


  9. As the title says, I don't understand what's going on with me. As I wrote before, I came out to my mom and it went well. But now I feel weird. The world is somehow strange now. I find myself with a lot of free time. I don't have to pretend anymore, so I have a lot of time to spend doing other things. Thrown myself into work. Sending off CV's. Rebuilding my portfolio.

    But I feel empty. Like... now what? I spent so much time pretending to be this man. Being out to my mom basically means I don't have to pretend for anyone. She's the only person that matters, so I can be out fearlessly. But now I don't have that man-thing I used to cling onto. I finally had to admit it to myself that I don't know who I am.

    I cried a lot when I said it out loud to myself.

    So now what? Yay? Rediscovery? I've started going over my old child fantasies when I was young remembering the stuff I used to daydream about. Being a princess fighting with the fairies. Being a wizard stealing the evil king's jewels. I wrote a lot about it. It reflects in my poetry a bit? I think? Here's a link: Link 1 / Link 2 (I did two links becomes sometimes my linking to my blog fails horribly.) I don't know if it helps, but remembering my old stories I used to tell myself seems to reconnect me with something true about myself before I was forced to "become a boy/man".

    Anyways, right now I'm watching this beautiful Anime movie called "The Garden of Words", I don't know if it's any good yet, but so far it's one of the most beautiful animations I've ever seen.



  10. I never thought I would be this impass of live. That moment when the fairy tales seem to take life and not in their usual good manner. The moment when a step-parent becomes the wicked witch or that menacing warlock. I never thought I'd be a part of it...


    Joey is his name. On first impression, I knew I didnt like him. His eyes told of selfishness and laziness. His posture spoke of sexism and over-tried alpha tendancies. His breath rank of an unrecognizable stench that turned my stomach, and his lack of manners towards the opposite sex was appaulling. He's a pig...but even pigs are better suited.

    The first moment I laid eyes on him, I had driven into the driveway to visit my family. I'd missed the wedding, so this was the first in which we'd laid eyes on eachother. I was not greeted, and I was not acknowledged. He simply looked up at my vehicle, seemed to sigh with annoyance, and wandered off to whatever he was doing. A simple 'hows it goin?' and 'not too bad' was exchanged as I approached the house, and that was it. He followed me in like an executioner to his post. It were not until my mother introduced us that he actually seemed to look at me. None too pleasantly, might I add. I was introduced as her daughter, her Kristy....I corrected that I were her son, Warren, and attempted to shake his hand. I got a hug instead, and it were not willing. I were not permitted a handshake it seemed. When I voiced that hugging strangers made me uncomfortable, he said 'you'll have to get used to it. I married your mother'.

    His eyes is what told his story. The eyes are often called the windows to the soul and he does not have a glamorous or spectacular soul by any means. In fact, I would hardly even shutter if the dear Hannibal Lector happened upon him and asked to dine on his overbloated, beer infested cadaver. I would, I do believe, incline to his request and simply wave in acceptance while I watch him carry him away. He's not a bad man, perhaps. Just a bad egg...

    He brings out a side of me that I have kept submerged for years. The Dominance side of me that sometimes concerns me and terrifies my soul, but I were often informed that it were another personality of myself. A more formal, gruesome side of my personality. I often thought of him as perhaps an imaginary friend, taunting me when I were too weak to stand up for myself. His name changed now and again...First it was Ben. Then Alex. Then one instance, he even called himself Dorian. I'm not sure what he calls himself now, but I can feel him reaching the surface once more. This....Joey....brings him back from the darkness in which he once slumbered. Even now, as I'm typing, I can feel his influence. Even in the way I write things, I feel that there is a shift in personality. A sinister switch...It began long ago, as most stories do, with my childhood. The childhood in which blood and gore were of no stranger to me. Slaughtering animals and lifestock for food, a odd fascination with their pieces being seperated so that we may dine on their once-lively muscle tissue. My...'brother', I guess you could call him, evolved through the years. Becoming more aware, more violent, but more able to mask himself in my own personality. "Influence, my dear.....the whole world runs upon influence. It is the only way that the good may triumph whilest the bad secretly are the marionettes to the puppets. You, dear boy, will thrive off my influence. I'll guide and protect you. And when the time comes, you will take the bench, and I shall orchestrate." I remember the words perfectly. At the time I thought it were simply my imagination running wild. But in the years to follow, I've learned that it were actually he himself. My other soul..the drum in my ears when things got too chaotic. The force behind my fists and the growl within my screams.

    Joey....that aweful lump of a man...he has brought my brother the life that he had once had in my teenage years, while catering to my vampiric Dom side by night. In secret, fleeing to the only family who accepted me. A clan of outcasts, vampire enthusiastics. I had quickly become one of them. I became a Dom as easily as one would crack an egg. Maybe a few pieces fell when the shell broke free, but the yolk took over these pieces as if they were nothing. Moving them out of the way as it pleased. I felt free...HE felt free. But I left the coven and decided to 'grow up' when mother moved us away. He has been silent since, perhaps worn out over his profound freedom. But this horrible....stepfather of mine...has brought him back. I almost worry about his intentions.


    He dislikes me. That much is clear. Joey, that is. Alex, as I will call him until he reveals his true name, adores me. We're one, afterall. But Joey....dear pathetic Joey...he makes my stomach cramp with disgust. He annoys me with his very presence. He treats my siblings like butlers or cattle, pushing them around and bending them to do his will but with no more of a reward than the common dog. Perhaps a scrap of affection, maybe he will throw old bones to them, but in the end--to him, theyre still just dogs. His real prize is my mother, who I fear is growing more and more sour with every passing day of their newfound marriage. It sickens me...I never had a good childhood, that much is clear as day. But watching my siblings relive some of the horrors that I learned to push through makes me furious. He treats them like dust, glaring at them until the day he can wipe them away. Joey did not marry my family, he married my mother. And only my mother. He's just waiting for the day when he can push his influence into my poor, naive little autistic brother's head to gain him over to his side. To mold him into himself, as no man has ever held the bond of fatherhood over him as he now can. The rest will move out, he is sure. Or, by all means, he will push them out. And so far is succeeding. What drives me mad the most is my mother's blindness. Her own bitterness and sour disposition seems to surface with his presence as well, though she hardly notices. She's more cruel and unforgiving to my siblings as she had been before. She will boast on her facebook about her perfect family, and how wonderful everything is and how much her sweet children adore her new loving husband. But as I once heard someone say---The beautiful portrait that you display on your hides the most hideous stain in the wallpaper.

    I wish to be rid of him....My little brother, as he now wishes me to call him, is coming into his own. Not the autistic one, Jordan. But my---dare I say it----favorite sibling. Kai, my dear Kai...What I would give just to see his happiness...He's been so tormented in this world, and by family the most. He is like me, and perhaps that is why I adore him so much and wish for his happiness. It's a happiness I was rarely granted. At first I were jealous of the attention he recieved for being transgender. The affections he were granted that I were denied. The opportunities my mother has given him that I still am shunned for. But now I see inner brother has reminded me of it several times when I become jealous.

    "Kai is living the life that you had always dreamt of. Though it may be them achieve it. Help them become the young man that you missed out on being. You get to flourish as a man, but they get to blossom as a boy. Help him, and perhaps you'll even discover yourself."

    There's a bittersweet truth in it. And as much as I fear any advice from Alex, I think he may be onto something. Parents mold their children to live the lives they always wanted. Perhaps, in a way, if the child is willing and as wanting as yourself---is it really so bad? Perhaps not, if the situation calls for it.


    But one thing is certain.

    Joey needs to go.


    -Warren.......and Alex.

    Note: Perhaps my therapist was right. Perhaps DID isnt so impossible of a diagnosis....but he's not a disease. I'm starting to enjoy his company.

  11. I never thought of it like this...


    Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"


    So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.


    So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.


    Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.


    Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.


    I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.


    Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.


    Cheers, stay safe and love life.

    Michele H

  12. Andrea

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    Sometimes things are happening in a rush, like when the river hits the rapids. All you can do is try to hold on and keep your head above water. . . and just hope you miss the rocks. There have been at lot of those rapids during this  6 month trip. In fact the flow has been mostly rapid. what a ride. And amazingly I look up and see that familiar face, The one I've been looking at for 11 years, 10 of which she really had little clue about the girl that was stuffed deep inside me. When Annette met Andrea.we both felt this bond, hard to understand and I won't attempt to explain, but the emergence of a previously unknown woman, who brought with her many unknown things, didn't seem to really be significant, the bond was mysteriously very strong. As I first stepped onto my road to transition, she stepped with me. And I look up while swirling thru the rapids and there she is, her face showing a web of emotions, that look that shows exactly how I feel. What a totally exciting, scary, thrilling, mind bending trip. . . for 2!

    The crashing wave of this last rapid is called 'delay' forces beyond our control add 7 more days to the countdown. We have been on a schedule these 6 months, we can do this by turkey day and we can get back to work before all the money disappears, After 67 years I have a 6 month window to make Andrea Jean's dream come true. This is really my first opportunity, ever, but it is a limited time offer

    I had a moment yesterday morning, the thought that it might not happen, I might be this close, but never able to make the 'cross-over'. I thought I may be sentenced to a life of unacceptable gender bending form. I felt the weight of real depression overwhelm me.I cried, and became amazed at the strength of my feelings, I had never felt it as powerful as I did then. I was just so driven to get my body right, I was numb.

    I woke up this morning and set out to make sure this gets done, a mind set and a course of action, be sure it happens ON THAT DAY, anything else is unacceptable. My fear, that moment of absolute clarity, and absolute depression has inspired me, I am going to do what it takes, no surrender, no prisoners, no failure. With a touch of logic, I believe I can do this. . .I see the surgeon on Tuesday, the moment of truth.

  13. Latest Entry

    I went into Birmingham's Jewellery Quarter this morning with my Mom who has a small jewellery business, so we went into a trade only wholesaler's where we were looked after by 3 very nice ladies. I wanted a new bracelet or bangle to replace two that have recently broken, now my wrists are fairly large by female standards, and the normal 7.5" bracelets will fit but they're not loose, so I was after 8" bracelets, which I asked for, one of the Ladies then said "oh ladies Bracelets are usually 7.5"", so I decided to be right up front and said "yes but I'm Transgender", "oh really" replied the lady, "I'd never have guessed", yes, this made me feel really good, Shrodinger would have been proud! I did pass after all! There followed a little bit of discussion then about trans issues in general, and I was told that now they know me I could come back any time in the future, so that'll be handy just before Christmas!. The older Lady asked where I had got my coat from, so I told her Luxembourg where I have recently been on holiday, so she was quite disappointed at this, so I suggested that she look on the web for it, I took my coat off and showed her the label, it was sold by Belgian Company JBC, who's stuff I really like. Anyway I got a split solid silver bangle, two silver rings and a pair of genuine pearl stud earrings....... I can't wait to go back again soon.



  14. Today I was wondering what a good haircut for my face shape would be.

    I daydreamed a bit about how nice it would be to have a list of celebrities with my facial shape. Then I could just look at their best looks. OK I was being lazy....

    Anyway that led me to this site which it just so happens does not require an account or social media login. 

    I just uploaded a "casual" pic wearing light makeup and a cheap wig.

    Apparently I need to step up my game. The cruel and unforgiving masculinity meter tipped to 53%. It did however offer me 3 cis female celebs that I resemble to varying degrees of fidelity. A quick googling later and i had some hairstyle ideas! 

    Now its off to Amazon to looks at wigs. Wheeee


  15. I am still battling anxiety and depression. But the meds are clearly helping. Three weeks ago I was barely able to function. Now my head is above water again. Though last weekend and Monday and Wednesday were rough. Today was a little rough as well. But Tuesday was amazing. I finally snapped out of it. I was sitting at my desk, just thinking to myself "this is what normal people must feel like." I don't ever remember feeling that good for years. I probably should have been anxiety / anti-depression medications years ago. But when you suffer with something for a long time, it is hard to know what "better" really is.

    Anyways, I went shopping last weekend, bought three dresses to improve my mood. It helped. I went to support group. Out to dinner, lunch. Biked a lot over the weekend.

    But the biggest change over the last four weeks is that I've stopped drinking, been eating less, eating healthier, going to bed early, getting up early. I've been exercising regularly. I've been focused on wellness and it has paid off for me. I feel so much better! And I am doing better.

    I hope that everyone is doing well and have a good weekend!




  16. Latest Entry

    I have always had abandonment issues. I guess I always knew that things will eventually get to this point in my life where not only everyone I love and hold dear no longer have the inclination or strength to stand by me but I, myself have to abandon my own life which has been built on a lie.
    It this point I feel helpless against the current pulling me towards my transition. I tried to stem the tide and pretend it is not so but, I lost the battle and like before have no otherway but forward. 
    People say I am selfish but, from where I stand the selfish thing to do is suiside which again seems quite attractive as apposed to faking another 30 years of my life.
    No I will move forward and live my life by embracing myself and the people who have the courage, like me, to live life against the ods.

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    I haven't posted anything here in a long time. The last time I posted the reality had just started to set in about what life was going to be like going forward. I have been on HRT for almost 4 months now and life has gotten a lot easier. Hiring a lawyer made me feel a lot better about the upcoming divorce. I'm full time in public which is still really nerve racking but I'm forcing myself outside of my comfort zone. Doing my own makeup is now a thing too. Its a lot easier than I expected except I have trouble with eyeliner. Things have started to develop up top as well.


    Overall I'm in a much better place despite the fact that not everything , including the divorce, has been handled yet. I was emotional a lot during the first couple of months of HRT but that may have been due to all the stress in my life. 

    I just wanted to come in here and vent in a blog to other transgender people who may know how I feel or what I'm going through.

  17. So, while I am at the beginning of my journey, I'm trying to think of everything. Right now I'm focuses on appearances and finding out how I might look.

    At some point I will try and test the waters outside, maybe go to the shop at first then venture out further. Before that I need to really know what to wear, make up, all that great stuff.

    So I guess my question is this, to anyone else out there that has already transitioned or anyone going through the journey too: What did you wear? How did you wear it? How did you know you were ready to go out?

    I look forward to talking to all of you :)

    Edit: Just wondering, if there are any cross dressers, drag queens or trans folk out there who have worn bras as a male? If so what did you stuff them with, I know you can get like fake breasts but just thinking of right now... Socks? I have tried socks I'm just curious...

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    The Blossoming of a Butterfly

    Chapter 2, the teen years

    By Erika Nicole West

         As I got into my teen years, my body changed from a big chubby fat kid to a lean muscular kid. This was attributed to playing intramural basketball in 5th and 6th grades. I sucked as a player but I was one of the taller kids and big, so I got in the way a lot. I remember running lots of stairs getting into shape and it literally ran the pounds right off of me. I can remember looking at my 7th grade class picture and I was actually skinny, which I had never been before in my life. I don’t recall doing much cross dressing in 7th grade, I was just beginning to become interested in girls and I was sure they wouldn’t understand. After 7th grade, my parents sold their house and we moved to an older home in a little town. They had bought the house my mother had grown up in and it was in poor shape and in need of remodeling. We moved into a rental, 2 doors up the street. This was the point in my life where I changed from a fairly lazy kid into a lean working machine. My older brother had broken his foot and was in a cast and my younger brother was too young to be much help, so the burden of moving the household was on my dad and I. Of course the women in the family helped with the smaller items but moving the furniture and appliances and what have you, well, I got a crash course on moving heavy stuff. Anyway, once the move was complete and we were nestled into the rental house, the cross dressing began again.

     One outfit I recall of my sisters that I found particularly sexy was what was popular at the time, 1973 I believe, a black body suit couple with a knit pair of very pink slacks. You could lightly see the outline of the black body suit under the pink, just loved that contrast. I was thin in those days, so I actually looked pretty good in it, so I thought anyway. What I wouldn’t give to be that thin today!

      So 8th grade was an epic year for me, I learned work ethic, I was cross dressing again and I had learned to masturbate.  When I say masturbate, I mean masturbate. It wasn’t easy either as I shared a room in the rental house with my younger brother. We had metal cabinets that we hung our clothes in that separated our beds. I remember one time he asked me “What are you doing over there?” as I was feverishly pounding my new found toy. Of course he could hear the heavy breathing, dead give- away, but him being younger, not sure he caught on. Once I mastered the technique, I practiced it often, every day for sure, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I would wear open sores on my schlong at times and have to switch hands so as not to irritate it more until it healed. I speculate I masturbated 360 out of the 365 days a year all through high school.

        My masturbation material was thoughts in my head of images I had either actually seen or pretended to have seen. My most erotic thing growing up was again and still, my panty fetish. Nothing aroused me more than seeing the bikini outline through a girls dress or pants or the holy grail of fetishes, the rare but ultra-hot view of catching a view of a girls panty via a crotch shot. I loved catching a peek whenever I could, either by accident or selectively positioning myself where I could. I used to long seeing girls wearing pretty dresses, wishing, hoping I could catch a glimpse, much less have a chance to wear the dress!

        My high school years were spent mostly chasing girls and being a jock. I had become a decent 3 sport athlete by this time, football, basketball and baseball, with football being my priority. I actually had set the school record for rushing yards for a freshman with 1,100 some odd yards in 7 games. Not too bad for someone who wanted to be a woman, this was in 1974.

      On instance I remember my junior year on the varsity football team, we were playing away. The visiting team always used the girls locker room, so when we entered, I noticed a pair of mint green satin bikini panties laying on the floor. So me being the opportunist that I was, I positioned myself in proximity of the panties and devised a plan. When the game was over and I was showered and changed my close, I was going to scoop my stuff up and snatch the panties in with my gear and take home with me. I had plans for these! I would have many ultimate and erotic masturbation fests at the expense of these panties. I liked to rub myself with them until I ejaculated. Anyway, just as I was about to put my plan into action, some jackass grabs them up and starts prancing around the locker room with them horsing around. I was devastated! My whole plan was up in smoke! My world was shattered! I had never had a pair of panties other than my moms, or sister’s, this was a whole new world for me! I was heartbroken, but lived for another day.

      My first sexual experience with another person was when I was 15.  One of my non-jock friends who lived in the same town I did called me up and asked me if I wanted to stay over that night. His parents were out of town and he didn’t want to be there alone. I said sure so I went over there and watched some TV until bedtime. Now, for some reason that escapes me, that particular day I was off of my normal masturbation schedule, it had been a couple of days since I had unloaded me sweet concoction of my loins. So we headed to bed and he suggested we sleep in his parents room, since it was a king bed and was lots of room. I said “sure, sounds fine to me” in my still naïve’ way. So went to sleep and sometime in the middle of the night I woke up with a raging boner and my friend was rubbing it! OMG I thought, at first I was mortified, but then I succumbed to the pleasure as it’s not like I hadn’t thought of this sort of thing before. To be fair, of course, I started rubbing him as well and we both were enjoying it. I finally pulled his head down on me and exploded with the most massive orgasm I had ever had at the time. Seemed like it last for several minutes. I was too shy to return the favor, after all, I was a jock on the football team, so I went to the bathroom to clean up. After washing, I noticed his mother’s light blue satin nightie hanging on the door. It had thin white lace around the edges of the sleeves. Of course I couldn’t resist but to try it on! So on it went and I pranced about the bathroom a bit then the thought occurred to me,” should I go out into the bedroom with it on? I could be a woman for him and he could take me from behind!” Oh, the temptation was so great but I gave way to my jock senses and took it off and hung it back on the door. I went back to bed and he proceed to go down on me again and worked me up to another orgasm, granted less dramatic, but still a fine one just the same. I still couldn’t bring myself to return the favor.

      The next few days after that, I couldn’t get it off my mind. I was so mad at myself for not being a better participant. So, to make things right, I went over to his house one day after school about a week later, went into his bedroom, blocked the door with a hair, un buckled his pants and proceeded to give him the blow job I had always dreamed about giving. It only lasted about a minute and he blew his load in my mouth and down my throat and I knew at that point that was something I wanted to do again and again and again!

     While I was in high school, I started working on Saturdays for an older, single man that lived in town. I had gotten the job via my older brother as he had worked for him for a bit and then moved on to something else. He was working on fixing his house up and I was becoming very handy at doing things from working with my dad on the fixer upper house they had bought earlier. So anyway, I would go over on Saturday mornings and do whatever it was he wanted to do, put ceiling tile in, or paint or what have you. Some days all I would do was drive him to the grocery and bring him home and he would cook us food. He always paid me $20 for the 4 hours I would spend with him. He had an attractive niece that would come around on occasion and I mentioned how I would like to do naughty things to her. He said we could fix the upstairs bedroom up and maybe I could get her up there sometime. So, we had the bedroom almost completed and were walking up the enclosed narrow staircase on day and all of a sudden he grabs ahold of my manhood. I’m in shock! It suddenly dawned on me that the nice, new bedroom wasn’t for me and his niece, it was for me and him! He told me that he had lube and that it would slide in easy and all. With me already being a little partial to that by this time, the only thing that saved me was the fact that he wanted me to do him, vs. him doing me. Well, no way that was happening as that wasn’t and isn’t my thing. In this life, I firmly believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad. I quit my job there that day and it was only a couple years later, he died of some mysterious disease that no one knew what it was at the time. The year was 1976 and he had died of what we now know is AIDS.

      That was about the extent of my memorable events in high school. After all, I was a jock, no jock wears sissy clothes or touch other guys junk, that is just queer!


  18. (Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place)

    Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

    I am done with them, and their BS.

    I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.


    My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit.

    When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics.

    My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized.

    Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over.

    All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play.

    The next "story" is one example of many similar situations.

    The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself.

    I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity,  they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas.

    My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying"

    The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up.

    My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to.

    The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans.

    Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

    I am done with them, and their BS.

    I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

  19. After a good day of relaxing and playing music, yesterday was our trans discussion group's monthly outing to a restaurant (my first time going).  I decided I would wear my favorite jeans, harley boots, a really cool long sleeve long dark green top and new dream catcher necklace I purchased at the same store as the top. I wore makeup, packed my money, phone and cards in my new wallet, a nice pink Michael Kors clutch with wrist band, and take the bus.  I had a one hour ride to downtown, a 14 minute wait and a short ride to my destination which was a decent Greek restaurant.

    This was my second time going out dressed and wearing makeup and since I'm not yet on HRT, I am not passable at all....and I don't really care.  The first ride was very uneventful and when I got downtown, I waited in a glass bus stop along with a very pretty and tall black woman.  Since this was right downtown Gatineau (across the river from Ottawa) and the area has a multitude of bars and night spots, there were a lot of people walking around and I was curious to see how many times I would be noticed and looked at twice.  Aside from a couple of people staring a bit and an elderly lady giving me the "evil eye" (I just smiled back!), it was a lot less eventful than I would have previously imagined.  The lady at the bus stop even sat beside me and complimented me on my nails which was really cool!

    I met my friends, a group of MTF's and FTM's and had a great meal and even better conversation.  After the meal, we decided to head to a new chocolate/ice cream place which recently opened and when we got there!  The place was packed with a lineup about 40 feet out the door.  We waited in line and it was really worth it...great ice cream of all kinds with a selection of about 12 different kinds of chocolate dips!  

    All 8 of us stood out on the patio and talked for at least an hour before heading was awesome!  This was really my first time heading out into the "unknown" being my true self and it felt exhilarating! A couple of times I noticed some weird looks and stares but the feeling of being out as myself with people just like me and their friends out weighed any issue others might have with me...that belongs to THEM, not me!  A friend from the group gave me a ride home and I slept soooo well!

    This morning when I got up I had this crazy craving for steak and eggs!  I had the steak but not the eggs so I put on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and headed to the convenience store I've been going to for many years.  I still had on the nail polish as I usually keep it on during weekends and when I'm not working.  When I walked in I was curious to see if the cashier, who is a friendly woman in her 20's, would notice or say anything.  I got the eggs, went to pay and after waiting for the only other customer to finish paying, she noticed my nails and immediately said: "Oh wow, nice nails!!" to which I replied "thanks...I like the color and don't care what people think..".  She replied: "That's great, let your girl have some fun!"

    The steak and eggs tasted great....I think I'll have a good sleep again tonight...


  20. So today was my first endo Appointment. It did not go as I'd hoped, but not for the reasons i thought. I knew that I would not start testosterone today. Let me be clear about that, right away. I was however hoping that I would find out when I get to start. I got lost on my way to the clinic because Yale New Haven Hospital is a Zoo! New Haven is a terrible smattering of crazy drivers and one way streets. Think of it like as tiny New York filled with even more assholes.

    I was late even though I set out to be 20 minutes earl I was twenty minutes late. Got charged 6 bucks for parking at the hospital. Maybe I'm just a country bumpkin, but Charge me as I'm trying to get medical treatment, WTF?

    By ten minutes in it was clear that I wouldn't be starting soon, there was discussion of who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder? Was I not being clear enough? How hard do i have to hate myself before people help with the problems I actually have. I'm sick of doctors appointments and of doctors. As she explained what my body would do on T, i got the slight inclination that she was nervous. I'm not blindly jumping into this, it's not that I'm claiming I knew everything she told me but i did know I'm not gonna be a supermodel. I have no misconceptions that I may end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame and that T may make my insulin resistance worse... I don't give a damn. Also if one more person informs me that I'm overweight I'm going to lose my shit! (Is there some secret to weight loss that will help me lose 60 lbs in a week or month?) I have been patient I waited three months just to speak to her! Just not a good day at all. I'm so disappointed.

    Also i have the final draft of my spoken word poem I will post it soon.

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    We have got our divorce and I got full custody of our kids and I still pursued her for almost there years after our divorce because I still loved her with all my heart and was there for her every time she needed me but I guess it wasn't in God's plan because he was ready for me to be something greater at first I thought that was being a better father but as time passed I knew  that I could use some inprovment as a father I knew that was not it and I hate to sound self-centered but I have always been there for my kids and I have gave them everything I did not have as a kid they do come before anything and anyone including myself every breath I take is for them. But back to the story I knew god was ready for me to be a woman and I understand that now . I have never been as happy as I am now and as doing so it has  made me a better person and father well you could say women now and my kids are so supportive  of me and my parents are to and some of my friends are too Well at first they did not know how to take it but they are starting to come around and more open about the idea of me being a woman I know mom loves it because I help her more in the kitchen  and doing other girl stuff especially my daughter we have never been as close as we are now even though she has always been a daddy's - new mommas girl and don't take  me wrong either when I say mommas girl either because I don't ever  ever ever take her mom's place but it is sad when my daughter tells me that I'm the only one that does makeup and paint nails and all the other fun girl stuff we do together and her mot won't and as for my two boys I still love to get down on some Xbox 360 and going fishing, camping, and all the other outdoor activities with them to so I guess the moral of this story is don't be afraid to be yourself. If being different means not being normal then I'm glad I'm not normal as long as I have my kids I don't care what other people think about me if I don't like what they say then I don't have to listen like I said as long as I have the air in my lungs and my kids nothing else matters because when it comes time to stand in front of God he will be judging them and the I will have the last laugh. And remember people it don't matter if your Transgender, gay lesbian, straight as long as you are happy with yourself it don't matter what other people think you choose to let it get to you and you are not alone their are people out there that do care if not I would not be writing on this  blog so love you all and look up don't  let the trash talkers get to you keep thinking positive. 

  21. Sooooooo.......

    The weekend is almost over here, it's been a strange kind of weekend. Went to see the new Mission Impossible, which I would say is worth seeing if only because the other option is Fantastic Four. If you have ever seen James Bond, Casino Royale (the latest version) or have seen anything with Tom Cruise in it before, it's probably worth just going down to your local video store or online provider and just watch one of those instead.

    There doesn't seem to be a great deal of options in terms of new material movies around. They are either reboots or recent movies or just nothing which is breaking the ground. Even the Stonewall movie is getting bad press for being historically inaccurate (wait! Hollywood re-writing history.....I am shocked).

    On the smaller screen I am just about to sit down and watch the second installment of I am Cait which has had mixed reviews. Will stick with it and see how things go, but I am not really a committed TV programme watcher. I tend to wait for it to come out on box set or just lose interest.

    Whilst we are on about Caitlyn, somebody sent a 'funny' joke on Facebook earlier.......not that funny to be honest. But probably typifies why there will always be issues with being seen as 'different'.

    Anyway, as promised, have uploaded a few pics I have taken around the city the past week or so. If you like them I'll try and add some more as i take them.

    Have a good week

    Take care